3 Ridiculous NBA Topics That Come Up at the Barber Shop

 

The barbershop is an interesting place. There are the awkward moments before you have “a guy,” when you need to block 6 hours out of your schedule since everyone that walks in “has an appointment.” Then there are the great moments after you have “a guy,” when you can walk in five minutes before closing and walk out fresh.

And there are the moments in between when you talk about everything from women to women, and Obama (in ’08 and this fall). There’s also a healthy dose of sports talk that makes each visit more fun. Armchair analysts are no stranger to sports. They’re the backbone of ESPN’s best shows. A special breed frequents the barbershop though; it’s actually quite hilarious. Here are three of the most ridiculous things I have overheard in the barber shop while sitting there like Cuba Gooding Jr. above:

Dwight Howard will never win a title because he smiles too much…that dude is weak.”

Dwight Howard, and the general subject of weakness, comes up often in The Shop. In basketball, there are the usual stats (points, rebounds, and assists), and then there is weakness: a metric without a numerical value that you can rate when you see a player.

Dwight has failed on this metric in barbershops across the country. About the 175683rd time Dwight Cranked that Superman, his chances of winning a title faded to black as far as The Shop was concerned. In this hallowed ground, professional sports should be played by very serious guys displaying equal parts skill, swagger, and killer instinct. Players who dance with Ellen Degeneres don’t fit this mold, and are shunned in The Shop.

The problem with this logic (besides the obvious) is that if this were true, Derrick Rose would have three or four championships by now. He is NEVER amused.

Yo…the Knicks are definitely winning the ‘ship this year.

Spoken by every barber I ever had while living in upstate New York and interning in Northern New Jersey, this prediction is wrong…every year. (Shout out to the More Than Perfect shop in South Orange, NJ)

Sheeeeeed, yall ain’t winning a championship!

Deep down, Knick fans know this year is just like the rest. Despite the most successful start to a season since the last time they won the championship, the Knicks have some issues that will do them in (like always):

The team’s offense has played off the charts so far this season. They have the most threes made at the fourth highest percentage. Shooting like this will cool off, especially when you consider New York has the oldest roster in the league. While Carmelo Anthony is still in his prime, the team depends on Amar’e Stoudamire, who’s broken, and players who were drafted while we were still in middle or elementary school. Rasheed Wallace is getting quality minutes, in 2012, for this team. Let that sink in.

To be fair, all fans believe this year is their year, but only one team can actually win. Knicks fans are just the loudest about it relative to their recent success. Laker fans are probably the loudest overall, but they have some rings to offset their ridiculousness.

You know the NBA gave the Bobcats to Michael Jordan because of what he did for the league, right?

File this one under “Conspiracy Theories,” which are thrown around The Shop recklessly. Forgetting the massive scale and impossibility of keeping a secret this size, why would the NBA give MJ the Worst. Franchise. Ever. (TWFE) as a reward? And if he did get TWFE, why wouldn’t he get the Number 1 pick in the next draft? There are serious holes in this theory.

This is far from the only conspiracy theory spouted by crazies in The Shop. Here are the highlights:

The barber shop is, and will always be, a safe haven for wild, unsubstantiated sports theories. That’s part of the charm that makes it an institution. These are some of my favorites, what have you heard?

Hit the comments below!

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  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

    The appointment struggle is real, especially when one of the newer dudes have a seat open and you really don't want to go there until you see him cut at least. As for your barbershop debates

    No one is afraid of Dwight Howard in crunch time, thats why he'll never win (assuming Kobe or Dirk dont win one for him

    The Knicks will never prosper.

    Jordan owns the Bobcats because we keep buying the same shoes over and over again.

    Of course players want to be in big markets, Brandon Jennings would be an all star if he played anywhere else

    Vick wasn't framed but it was definitely a witchhunt once PETA realized Michael Vick was kind of a big deal

    I read somewhere that they now saying a serial killer killed Nicole smh

    Believable, because i think Jordan would quit before he actually threw a series

    My recent post Today’s Word is… AGE

    • Joe Sargent

      Man…I've learned my lesson when it comes to trying out the new guy. Used to say 'my time is valuable, can't sit here all day," but I've had enough crooked edge ups in my life. Worth it to wait.

      That serial killer/OJ story is crazy. That story just won't die.

    • heyheynow

      lol I don't get the connection between jordans and the bobcats?

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    Are they still having the Kobe is as good as Michael convos?

  • Larry

    " Can't tell an LA/Kobe fan that though"

    Shoooot…don't let Kobe get his 6th, I'm telling you now. If he gets 7??? You might as well unfollow me on Twitter, LMAOOO. #GOAT!

    • Joe Sargent

      You're a good follow, so I'll keep you on the TL…might hit the mute button tho, lol.

  • Larry

    Man, I can't tell you how dumb these dudes in the Barbershop sound. Man, I'm from Ohio and all these dudes wanna talk about is how overrated and weak LeBron James is, lol! I guess some of them are still hurt by his talents being taken elsewhere.

    But yeah, the Dwight Howard thing is some b.s. He can easily win a championship with the right pieces around ….just like EVERY superstar needed when winning their rings. Tim Duncan isn't exactly the toughest dude in the world, but somehow has 4 World Championships. Howard smiles too much?? You're kidding me? Magic Johnson was known for his smile…spoiler alert, he turned out just fine. I had one dude at a house party a couple years back tell me he'd rather have Brandon Bass over Dwight Howard. Needless to say that convo ended abruptly.

    • Larry

      As far as the Knicks go, as long as the Miami Heat are relatively healthy it's going to be rather difficult for them to come out of the east. That's just the reality of the situation. I'm not saying it's impossible…just not very probably. But if they do, kudos to them. I'm not rushing to place my bets in Vegas, though.

    • Joe Sargent

      People STILL mad in Ohio?! I moved to Cleveland 2 weeks after LBJ left, so I get the hate. Left it behind a year ago and figured it had died down. It's just sad now. Kyrie is someone to get behind, LeBron got his ring, time to let it go.

  • MaggK

    "Deep down, Knick fans know this year is just like the rest."
    LOL good one!

  • yanas

    1. How racist the nba is.
    2. Jordan v Kobe v lebron
    3. Last nights highlights.

    Those topics are too analytical for barbeshop haha

  • The Real AD

    1. "Who is an elite QB"… wait thats not the barbershop thats ESPN
    2. "You have to have a "true" PG to win a title"… somewhere Derek Fisher ,Ron Harper and Kenny Smith are laughing to the point of tears
    3. "Phil Jackson can only win with good teams"… you know because there are so many coaches who took bad teams to titles

  • heyheynow

    Man the barbershop sounds interesting….I should stop by one day

    lol….