What’s on A Black Man’s Wishlist?

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I can’t be mad at Black women when they say that Black men don’t have a clue what they want. It’s hard even getting a straight answer out of a Black man on what he really wants out of a woman. It’s different for each of us. But at a very basic level, what’s on our wishlist? Well, is there even a such thing as a wishlist or do Black men find themselves in a position where we choose a type of relationship over the characteristics desired in that relationship? Let me run that back, are we more likely to want to be married or in a relationship than we are to have our wishlists satisfied? That may explain why some women are left scratching their heads when they see a man settle down into a relationship. Almost to say, “You said you wanted ‘A’ but you ended up with ‘B’? What gives?!”

On Dec 3rd, I’ll be joining an all-male panel in Washington, DC to discuss what’s on a  Black Man’s Wishlist. When it comes to relationships, no man’s wishlist will be the same as another man’s. Some men put “loyalty” at the top of their list, while other men put “good-sex” at the top of theirs. Regardless of how extravagant or simple the wishlist, there are some basics that should be on every man’s.

Last week, I talked about certain questions that couples should be able to answer. Those questions don’t need to be answered on Day 1, but at some point there’s an expiration date on when it’s appropriate not to know the answers. Nonetheless, here’s a short list of the basics of my wishlist or the components that should be present in every man’s wishlist:

  1. Lady in the street, freak in the bed – Any woman thinking that this concept is going anywhere anytime soon is foolish. Any man who is leading women to believe that this is something that we don’t want is just as foolish. Here’s the problem: The majority of the time we don’t necessarily get a freak in the streets, we get someone who acts like a lady in streets, talks like she’s a freak in the sheets, and ends up being a prude in the bed. Keep it real, that’s not going to work at all. High on the wishlist is a woman who carries herself with respect in the public, but earns respect in the dark.
  2. A woman who understands that there is a time and place for everything – One thing I can say that men wish they could echo to women without being attacked is the concept of “Not right now!” You find a lot of men tend to distance themselves from women who always want to push the pace because of personal goals or expectations. These things could be marriage or a family, but men want women who understand the importance of place and timing. The other important component of this part of the wishlist is the prioritization of desires. Does it make sense to undertake tons of debt for a wedding ring and marriage, when the two of us still have a ton of college loans? Are you going to create a headache because of your short term desires at the expense of our long term needs?
  3. A woman who is capable of standing alone, but doesn’t preach being “Miss Independent” – The Honorable Suze Orman teaches us that women shouldn’t put themselves in a position where when men leave them, they’re ass’ed out. I agree with that. I think that everyone should have a little nest egg just in case. No harm, no foul there. I know plenty of married men with “an account my wife doesn’t know about… just in case.” The problem with “Miss Independent” is that sometimes it ends up pushing a man away. Men struggle to find their place in your life and they don’t see the mutuality that is needed to build a long-term relationship. At the same time, we don’t want a woman who is totally dependent on us for everything.
  4. A woman with the stability and maturity to be a mother to my children, but doesn’t lack the spontaneity needed to be my lover – I know too many men who are with women who are not all that entertaining or exciting just because they’d make great mothers for their children. I’m not willing to make that sacrifice. I think there’s a bit of maturity that goes along with wanting to have children with someone or merging families where there may already be children present, but you never want to lose your edge. I never want to date a woman who I love the way she treats my kids, but we can’t sit around and have a couple adult beverages and laugh like we did as young lovers.

I could have spent a long time talking about looks and body types; but to be honest, I’ll hold steadfast to this point: These four components are more important than looks when I seek a long term relationship. I have dated a dime piece who stressed me out to no end; I’m no longer dating that dime piece. I have dated women who I could kick it with 24/7 and everything was easy-going; and those that I’m not dating, I consider, “the ones who got away.” Listen no man looks back over his dating history and says, “Man that girl was beautiful, she was the one who got away.” They look back at those women who had the intangibles and components on this wishlist and that’s when they say, “Acting like a fool, that’s the one that got away.” That leaves us with a feeling of hoping that another one will come along one day, or at least it gives us reason to keep searching.

I’ll be discussing this Wishlist and other topics as well at the upcoming panel. If you’re in DC on December 3rd, join me for the “Black Man’s Wishlist” event. For tickets and more info go to: www.KrystalGlassEmpire.com

See y’all there!

- Dr. J

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  • NipseysKlub

    This list was grabbed from my brain b/c you captured my wishlist to a T. #1 and #3 are of particular importance on my list of must haves.

    "Here’s the problem: The majority of the time we don’t necessarily get a freak in the streets, we get someone who acts like a lady in streets, talks like she’s a freak in the sheets, and ends up being a prude in the bed."

    And let the church say Amen.

  • James

    I’ll go with choice 2. I feel women are at times way off with personal expectations and the reality of things. 

    If we meet and I’m a vet of whatever industry I’m working in, most women see you as “ready for the next level”. But to men the next level may not -it isn’t for me mean relationship and kids and forever. The next level may be career orientated and why not. 

    Things these days don’t happen linearly. Yet we date linearly. The two aren’t compatible. If I toiled to get my education and career off the ground I’m just not ready to settle down. I’ve preached over and over no one looks at the socio-economic changes. My dad in the 60′s at 19 was a carpenter, passed the NYC cop test and the post office exam. Well back then you could walk off the street and take a civil exam-for free. Not now and the wait was quicker because back in the day Nam was in effect selective service took men away and left jobs open for men like my dad who was medically  not cleared to serve.

    So if a woman wants to mistakingly assume just cause I’m post 30 with a degree and doing well she needs to see I’m not being immature I’m living my life. This is part of that “what should be discussed before getting serious”. I gave up too much to just fold over into a routine relationship. I bought into going to college and doing what I can with the knowledge (I paid for) I gained. If a conventional relationship/marriage has to be the victim, then so be it.

    • http://twitter.com/SecretSweetLady @SecretSweetLady

      Hey… do you! I keep telling my friends I am vocal about these things to. Before liking a guy way too much and putting him in the "Mr. Perfect" category, you need to know if he wants the same. A woman that wants you should actually want what you want when it comes to the things she cannot comprise on like:

      * Wanting to be married within a certain time
      * Wanting kids within a certain time

      I figure these things out before breaking open and allowing romantic thoughts in.. It has taken me years to learn that though…

      Bottom line… I agree with the fact that you are an individual and if you are not thinking of marriage or kids then that's your prerogative!

  • KitKatCuty84

    I'm good. :)

  • Bree

    As for a woman being a freak in bed and a lady in the streets and being a great “soccar” mom and Vanessa Delrio in the bedroom.
    Sorry fella’s but actually expecting this from most women is a huge stretch. Reason being is this: If a woman is fairly conservative and respectable and she was raised that way and thats the core of who she is as a person, it’s far fetched to think that she will realistically even attempt to mimick your fav pr0n star. Plus after many women have babies and their body changes and they feel out of shape, they just don’t feel sexy and their confidence level is way down. It’s up to you as a man to help bring it back up and make a woman feel sexy and confident so that it transcends into the bedroom. This goes along with when a woman becomes a mom and has to be mommy and do mommy things and her breasts are now being used to nurse babies. It changes who she is a bit because now she has taken on a new role in life that changes her physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s possible, but not very easy for many women to transition from mommy and all the mommy stuff they do to being lovers and toe curlers in the bedroom.

    • http://singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery WisdomIsMisery

      Two things, Bree: 1) FYI, I had to moderate this comment because "pr0n star" was flagged – for future reference. 2) It's up to you as a man to help bring it back up and make a woman feel sexy and confident so that it transcends into the bedroom. Can you (or anyone who feels like jumping in) expand on this statement? I hear it quite often and am debating if it warrants a full post. Specifically, what are the responsibilities of a man versus a woman in inspiring confidence/self-esteem/etc? I understand that a man should help his woman have confidence – and not break it down – but I struggle with how a man (or anyone) should be expected to inspire confidence in another, especially if it is lacking. I would think you would have to meet #him half way . I guess I struggle a bit with the idea that confidence must be found in another, which, to me, appears to lean more towards reliance. Instead, it seems confidence should be grown within one's self and nurtured by another. It's like your partner should be your confidence-builder, not your confidence-creator.

      I welcome feedback on this.

      • Niecy H.

        "Instead, it seems confidence should be grown within one's self and nurtured by another. It's like your partner should be your confidence-builder, not your confidence-creator."

        I think this is one aspect/avenue how confidence can be 'inspired'. I think that when a woman who is faced with a man who has a desire for her to be a "bedroom freak" that she doesn't have within her, a willingness to meet him half way is gained when she doesn't feel like her inability to be that freak right away is scored/scrutinized/ridiculed or met with disdain. To have a man who is willing to try to understand the place she's coming from may result in a woman who is sincerely trying, WANTS to reward his understand and patience, and is better able to tap into her 'inner-ratchet' than she would have been without the support.

      • Bree

        No probs on the moderation Wis…my bad & Duly noted.
        Inspiring confidence goes hand in hand with supporting. Just like men want and need women to be cheerleaders, women want men to do the same. We all know the purpose of cheerleaders, (besides just distracting the opposing team). Apply this same principle. For instance, telling her she looks beautiful, paying her a compliment, telling her she is still sexy, (I think it was Usher who wrote a song about this) make her feel like a woman. Make her feel good about herself and let her know your proud and honored that she is your lady. Flirt with her like you did when u first started dating her. Give her sexy looks like you u did when u first made love to her. Cater to her femininity. Make it like the first time and recapture those special moments. If this is your s/o then yes you should "inspire" confidence in her during the times she is down in her life. Just like you would want the same thing if you were down in the dumps about something, you would expect her to pick you up and make you laugh and smile when you felt like crying. Thats part of what your there for.

        • http://lifebetweenthesheets.blogspot.ca/ Morgan

          sorry Bree if I'm misrepresenting your point… but i got inspired

      • http://lifebetweenthesheets.blogspot.ca/ Morgan

        I think what Bree is saying, especially in the case of women who are in long term relationships (and especially after babies!) is that our confidence at this point is long shot. The little sexpot you dated, is a changed woman now; mind, body & soul. Shit got real, & she grew up. We know this, we know you know this, & we worry that its changed how you feel about us. Because to be honest, it’s changed how we feel about us.

        And remember that we are not talking about general confidence here. Chances are, at this point in her relationship with you (yrs, home, kids etc) she’s very aware of who she is & why she’s at this point with you. Rather, we’re specifically talking about being “sexy” & being a confident lover. Totally different conversation. “Sexiness” isn’t a “natural” thing; women are not born with it, so to speak. “Sexy” is something we’re told/taught to be as young girls, by MEN. It’s a role that we learn to play/perfect over the years; gauging what is too much or too little from the reactions of the men we cross paths with. So it’s only natural that we look to you for validation in it. We always have, & we always will.

        So yeah, its up to YOU to let your woman know she’s still fine, she’s still hot, she still makes you think dirty thoughts, often. Because when you stop, she’s starts wondering why….

        • Bree

          Thanks for backin me up Morgan. For me it was the women in my family who taught me how to be sexy. My great aunt introduced me to lingerie and taught me about wearing it for my man as a teen when I discovered it in her closet. I learned about being sexy moreso from other women than men. I appreciated being sexy and the power in it because of men. I agree with you though. I don't have any kids and never been pregnant, but every single pregnant woman I know has told me that it changes your body and it changes you emotionally and mentally. I've seen the difference in pregnant women who has a horrible pregnancy and feels unsexy and unattractive after she gives birth, compared to women who have supportive, loving, and caring husbands who think they are sexy as ever even when they're about to drop and look like their about to burst. As Morgan said it's up to the husband to uplift and say and do all the right things so his woman continiues to feel sexy and feminine thruout her pregnancy.

        • drewzee23

          Nice one, Morgan. I didn't think it was possible to alter my thoughts on this subject. I definitely like the honesty (re: … it's changed how we feel about us). This is where we have to exist as men and women –unadulterated transparency. I think I like you. Good talk…

  • Bree

    "I never want to date a woman who I love the way she treats my kids, but we can’t sit around and have a couple adult beverages and laugh like we did as young lovers." Doc J you realize this statement is backwards right….Hopefully if you have kids with a woman she is your Wife. ijs.
    At any rate, this is a great list and very reasonable. But it's a "wishlist" because these are things many men wish their women did, but don't. The key to having these things is Balance. Many people have all of these qualities and more, but we all struggle with the ability to Balance the various facets of our personality within our lives and lifestyles. Achieving "Perfect balance" is absolutely possible, but it's damn hard and you probably won't maintain it at all times. But if you can achieve it as much as possible, your good as pure gold.

  • Bree

    Not to mention caring for babies and children is exhausting if your not getting adequate assistance. If you listen to psychologist and relationship therapist they tell men all the time to help out around the house more and help with the children to improve their sex lives with their wives. The reason is because it takes some stress and responsibility off of the woman so she has time to relax, shave her legs, take a nice hot bubblebath, leisurely lotion and perfume her body, and become the sex kittens that you want.
    Going back to Doc J's impnt questions to ask, fellas if sex is that impnt to you then you need to ask a whole lot of detailed questions about it while your in a relationship and having sex. Even if your not doing it, Talk about it. If you can't talk about it then you really don't need to be doing it anyway. ijs.

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  • http://twitter.com/Neuronerd17 @Neuronerd17

    #1 Yes.

    #2 If going to the court house is fine for now until we can go all out like you want then fantastic. Actually an older couple at our church did this. When they were younger they had no money and went to the courthouse to get married. The husband had always promised his wife that one day he would give her the big marriage she wanted. They had a few kids and adopted some more, life, and etc. Anyway few years ago at 65? I don't know around there he gives her the biggest fanciest wedding, well at least the biggest and fanciest I had ever been to. She had tears and it was sweet. If I ever decided to just give up on my scientific dreams and get hitched but was poor. I hope she would be that understanding. I just hopefully would be able to do it before we got too old ha ha.

    #3 This has actually never bothered me. Ever. I mean unless someone is just total attitude telling me "I don't need you for anything" all day every day then yea but why would I be married to them in the first place? Why would I even be dating them? and why am I asking myself questions in my own post?

    #4 Yea whatever you guys did for fun before should be kept up later, whether that's drinking and laughing, or playin' Vidja games together. It'll keep you sane whether you want/have kids or not.

  • http://twitter.com/SecretSweetLady @SecretSweetLady

    Not to be nasty or look bad but:
    #1: Got that down
    #2: I admit that I have had trouble with this one. I often wanted to talk about something when I wanted it, how I wanted it, how long I wanted it. I realize now I should have more respect for the man’s right to refuse AND go for effective communication instead of rambling/venting/simply complaining till death
    #3: This one is tough. How do you know what to dependent or too independent is? I admit I have told men in the past that I was “independent” and “didn’t need a man to pay my bills” which now seems like signs of my own immaturity. However , I seem to get negative reactions if I admit that I truly appreciate and desire chivalrous men. I think a real man knows what he wants from his woman and isn’t afraid to say it?
    #4: Again tough. I have noticed that men I’ve dated often told me that they only saw my nurturing side (and mothering skills) when I actually engaged with babies and kids I KNEW. Meaning I, as an individual, did not seem the nurturing type without the necessary props, babies or kids, to prove it. While it is not hard for them, to see that I am enthusiastic enough to enjoy life with my lover.

    When I take myself as an example I believe that, your mother is your best example. If certain mentioned aspects (like disrespecting the “not now”-moments and the Ms. Independent – syndrome) were part of your mother’s behavioral pattern, then you might subconsciously have learned that the wrong/ineffective way is NORMAL.
    I feel that some black men simply don’t care about the fact that many of us grew up with and were raised by strong black women that hardly showed their dependant/soft side (including women that grew up in a mended household). I find Musiq’s “Teach Me” a good song and reference point for men as well. Some of us didn’t learn how to be some of these points, but are willing to learn with love.

  • Bryce

    From a women’s point of view… I can honestly say that this is a good and reasonable list. You don’t seem to want too much, or too much differently than women (at least in my case). However (yeah, there is always a “BUT”) I do have to slightly disagree with you on #2.

    “You find a lot of men tend to distance themselves from women who always want to push the pace because of personal goals or expectations”

    Yes, this statement is true, however I would also make the argument that “dragging your feet” because of personal goals or expectations is equally as unsettling for a woman. If she has worked hard to get where she is (just like you) and she has her own personal goals and expectations (just like you) than why is she automatically designated to WAIT for you to reach some usually ethereal sense of accomplishment. Why does she have to put her life on hold for you? This is further exacerbated by the fact that the holds are usually INDEFINITE and NOT well communicated. “Baby, I want to finish grad school first so we have the time to dedicate to a marriage” will go a lot further than “now is not the time” or “I’m just not ready”. You telling her to halt her personal goals, so that you can reach yours is equally as selfish. Better communication on each of your goals would be key here. That brings me to…

    “Does it make sense to undertake tons of debt for a wedding ring and marriage, when the two of us still have a ton of college loans? Are you going to create a headache because of your short term desires at the expense of our long term needs”

    Not every woman wants a big expensive wedding. Not every woman wants a wedding right away. AND marriage is not a “short term goal”. If both people in a relationship need to grow (financially, career-wise, whatever) before they get married, then maybe a woman is just looking for her partner to truly want to invest in growing TOGETHER. Making a solid committment to a woman let’s her know that it is OK for her to invest in your success as well as her own, and vice versa. We can’t afford a wedding right now? OK, let’s both set up a saving plan or find more ways to save so that we can have what we want in the future. We’re both in school? OK, then what’s wrong with getting engaged and then having a wedding after graduation. Or what’s wrong with having a small wedding and doin’ it big when you can? I will wait for a man, have patience and follow him to the ends of the earth if I have a SOLID reason to believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Waiting for waiting’s sake, and to not disturb his delicate yet EXTENDED sense of time is not good enough. If you tell me you fully intend to spend the rest of your life with me, and act in a way that justifies that claim, but tell me you can’t give me what you think I want right now, I will stay by your side until you reach your promise land. BUT, if you just string me along an endless, vague, twisting and winding path, that may or may not end in our being together, you best believe I will be impatient and/or irate, especially if I have made my goals clear to you and you just tell me “not right now”.

    Communication, communication communication. Be blunt about your desires as well. If you’re worth it, she will stick around. BUT there is no need for her to invest the type of time you are looking for if there is no ROI, you got me?

    Sorry for the length, just had to speak my piece :o)

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  • Bree

    Trust and believe, all the women who dared to take full term full spread preggo pics butterball naked would not have their pregnant behinds in any magazines if somebody didn't tell them they looked good and sexy as hell pregnant.
    Just in general men should know from experience if a woman doesn't feel sexy and wanted and desired then she is less likely to want to have sex with you and even if she does it's not as enjoyable. Men have told me this. Think the women who wear t-shirts and want the lights off during sex. Women who aren't willing to try new things because of embarrassment about their bodies. This doesn't just stem from low self esteem in the woman and her own opinion of herself. A huge part of it comes from whatever her man is telling or not telling her about herself.
    Just like you can break somebody down with harsh unkind and hateful words, you can build them up with kind and loving words.

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