Remember when that one guy running for president made that offhand comment about ignoring the 47 percent and 99 percent of people took exception? What if we’re guilty of making the same supposedly unforgivable mistake in our own dating lives? Is there really a “good man” shortage, ladies? Are women really asking for too much, fellas? Or is the real issue the fact that we are actively passing up quality people widely available in the population in our pursuit of the top 1 percent? What makes us so quick to pass over the vast percentage of people willing to be with us and so confident that we’re worthy of the exclusive top 1 percent?
Going forward, the SBM team and I would like to begin highlighting exchanges in the comments that encourage additional thought, discussion and feedback behind the scenes. This isn’t meant to intimidate you from commenting and lurking more often than you already do (you know who you are!). We honestly appreciate all the
constructive comments and discourse we receive here at SBM and we thought this would provide an opportunity to shed light on comments we are unable to fully address during the week. To get the ball rolling – and not to catch any one off guard – we thought it only fair to start off with an exchange Dr. J and I had in the comment section of Is It Easier for Men to Find a Wife. It went a little something like this…
Dr. J comment: November 14, 2012: I actually think it is easier for men to find a wife. Chris Rock said it best, “I feel sorry for you guys who have to pick a wife out this bunch.” I agree with that statement but I also agree that at a very basic level men don’t get married until they’re ready to get married. You don’t really have to convince a woman to get married to a man she’s been involved with for some time. That’s really on the man. That’s why men wake up one day and they say to themselves they’re ready for marriage, they meet the girl and they build the relationship into marriage. Women make that same decision and then they have to wait for the right man to come along and then also hope that he’s ready for marriage. There is no social networking platform for “good men, who aren’t too unattractive and are ready to get married.” However, the majority of the women I know want to get married and are positioning themselves earlier to be wives.
WisdomIsMisery comment: November 14, 2012: Somewhat agree. For starters, I think the bar for what defines a “good man” is subjectively higher than the bar that defines what is a “good woman.” In most of my observations, men expect less from a woman to commit to her than a woman expects of a man to commit to him – and that’s fine, since both parties have different vested interest to satisfy within the relationship.
Moreover, I think what you’re doing here – and what many people are guilty of, self included – is prescribing a solution for people who don’t have a “problem.” We often pretend that the dating pool is a linear relationship of wife/husband material and we know that’s not true. It’s more or less a bell curve, with those in the top 25 percent or so, men and women, having no problem meeting men and women. However, that leaves about 50 percent in the middle who have moderate to difficult problems meeting a mate and a bottom 25 percent who REALLY struggle. I’d say most of our content and proposed “solutions” should be directed at and reflective of that 75% in the middle and below. The top desired men and women, the 25 percent, will likely be perfectly fine as long as they settle down during the period when they have the most to offer to the opposite sex.
WisdomIsMisery: I don’t have anything to add to this discussion, but I think it helps highlight two very distinct, popular viewpoints. Some people (generally women) think there aren’t enough husband-material types to choose from in the population. On the other hand, women believe men have this almost infinite population of wife-material types to choose from. Conversely, some people (generally men) think there are plenty of husband-material types to choose from but women are too busy focusing their energy on the top 1 percent of men while completely ignoring the “dating middle class.” If women aren’t choosing the middle class of men, then are they really any better off than the women who claim they can’t get chosen either?
Dr. J: I don’t want to ruffle any feathers so let me just use this analogous story. I always tell y’all about my shoe shopping in 9th grade and how I bought a size 9. It was about a half-size too big. I was growing at the time so I expected that in the next 6 months I would grow into it. 6 months later I looked down at my shoe and that little air bubble and fold was still there. It was time for shoes for school again and when my mother took me to get shoes, I told her I wanted to get a 8.5 because I still hadn’t grown into the 9. It was then that I decided there probably wasn’t no real future for ending up being real tall and that’s around the same age that I stopped playing competitive basketball (which explains why I suck at it) and focused solely on baseball (which explains why i’m good at it).
And that’s your solution for the 75%. (WIM… you Mitt Romney, you. You can’t be calling people the 75%.)
Nobody likes to think that there’s such thing as someone who’s out of their league.
Except men are made to accept this concept at a young age, women refuse to accept it and continue to struggle. The league can be based on looks, race, wealth, family situations, or a murky past, but there are leagues. All i’m trying to say is if i’m a 6, I can do very well as a 6, but when i’m trying to do 10, I’ll fail miserably. I’ll give you another story (from the male point of view, so the women don’t get upset… yet).
My boy C-Money and me are at the club one night and we’re at the bar and gazing upon the VIP section. Now C-Money plays the club the same way each time. He chills at the bar, scopes out a few females, gets all the liquid courage he can get and then he leaves a few minutes early to play the let out. So I tell C, “Fam, you should talk to some of the girls who do the exact same thing you do at the club. Stop talking to those girls in the VIP because you are nothing like the men in VIP.”
What are your thoughts on the ideas presented above SBM Fam? Do you think many of the “issues” we face in dating are in fact self-imposed or based in reality? The SBM will review comments with high likes or thread-replies for feature posts in the near future. We also welcome post ideas, feedback, and direct commentary through our contact us page, which you can find here. As always, thanks for reading SBM!