The Dating Middle Class: Are We Ignoring the 47 Percent?

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I KNOW THEY DID NOT JUST THUMBS DOWN MY COMMENT!

Remember when that one guy running for president made that offhand comment about ignoring the 47 percent and 99 percent of people took exception? What if we’re guilty of making the same supposedly unforgivable mistake in our own dating lives? Is there really a “good man” shortage, ladies? Are women really asking for too much, fellas? Or is the real issue the fact that we are actively passing up quality people widely available in the population in our pursuit of the top 1 percent? What makes us so quick to pass over the vast percentage of people willing to be with us and so confident that we’re worthy of the exclusive top 1 percent?

Going forward, the SBM team and I would like to begin highlighting exchanges in the comments that encourage additional thought, discussion and feedback behind the scenes. This isn’t meant to intimidate you from commenting and lurking more often than you already do (you know who you are!). We honestly appreciate all the constructive comments and discourse we receive here at SBM and we thought this would provide an opportunity to shed light on comments we are unable to fully address during the week. To get the ball rolling – and not to catch any one off guard – we thought it only fair to start off with an exchange Dr. J and I had in the comment section of Is It Easier for Men to Find a Wife. It went a little something like this…

Dr. J comment: November 14, 2012: I actually think it is easier for men to find a wife. Chris Rock said it best, “I feel sorry for you guys who have to pick a wife out this bunch.” I agree with that statement but I also agree that at a very basic level men don’t get married until they’re ready to get married. You don’t really have to convince a woman to get married to a man she’s been involved with for some time. That’s really on the man. That’s why men wake up one day and they say to themselves they’re ready for marriage, they meet the girl and they build the relationship into marriage. Women make that same decision and then they have to wait for the right man to come along and then also hope that he’s ready for marriage. There is no social networking platform for “good men, who aren’t too unattractive and are ready to get married.” However, the majority of the women I know want to get married and are positioning themselves earlier to be wives.

WisdomIsMisery comment: November 14, 2012: Somewhat agree. For starters, I think the bar for what defines a “good man” is subjectively higher than the bar that defines what is a “good woman.” In most of my observations, men expect less from a woman to commit to her than a woman expects of a man to commit to him – and that’s fine, since both parties have different vested interest to satisfy within the relationship.

Moreover, I think what you’re doing here – and what many people are guilty of, self included – is prescribing a solution for people who don’t have a “problem.” We often pretend that the dating pool is a linear relationship of wife/husband material and we know that’s not true. It’s more or less a bell curve, with those in the top 25 percent or so, men and women, having no problem meeting men and women. However, that leaves about 50 percent in the middle who have moderate to difficult problems meeting a mate and a bottom 25 percent who REALLY struggle. I’d say most of our content and proposed “solutions” should be directed at and reflective of that 75% in the middle and below. The top desired men and women, the 25 percent, will likely be perfectly fine as long as they settle down during the period when they have the most to offer to the opposite sex.

WisdomIsMisery: I don’t have anything to add to this discussion, but I think it helps highlight two very distinct, popular viewpoints. Some people (generally women) think there aren’t enough husband-material types to choose from in the population. On the other hand, women believe men have this almost infinite population of wife-material types to choose from. Conversely, some people (generally men) think there are plenty of husband-material types to choose from but women are too busy focusing their energy on the top 1 percent of men while completely ignoring the “dating middle class.” If women aren’t choosing the middle class of men, then are they really any better off than the women who claim they can’t get chosen either?

Dr. J: I don’t want to ruffle any feathers so let me just use this analogous story. I always tell y’all about my shoe shopping in 9th grade and how I bought a size 9. It was about a half-size too big. I was growing at the time so I expected that in the next 6 months I would grow into it. 6 months later I looked down at my shoe and that little air bubble and fold was still there. It was time for shoes for school again and when my mother took me to get shoes, I told her I wanted to get a 8.5 because I still hadn’t grown into the 9. It was then that I decided there probably wasn’t no real future for ending up being real tall and that’s around the same age that I stopped playing competitive basketball (which explains why I suck at it) and focused solely on baseball (which explains why i’m good at it).

And that’s your solution for the 75%. (WIM… you Mitt Romney, you. You can’t be calling people the 75%.)

Nobody likes to think that there’s such thing as someone who’s out of their league. Except men are made to accept this concept at a young age, women refuse to accept it and continue to struggle. The league can be based on looks, race, wealth, family situations, or a murky past, but there are leagues. All i’m trying to say is if i’m a 6, I can do very well as a 6, but when i’m trying to do 10, I’ll fail miserably. I’ll give you another story (from the male point of view, so the women don’t get upset… yet).

My boy C-Money and me are at the club one night and we’re at the bar and gazing upon the VIP section. Now C-Money plays the club the same way each time. He chills at the bar, scopes out a few females, gets all the liquid courage he can get and then he leaves a few minutes early to play the let out. So I tell C, “Fam, you should talk to some of the girls who do the exact same thing you do at the club. Stop talking to those girls in the VIP because you are nothing like the men in VIP.”

What are your thoughts on the ideas presented above SBM Fam? Do you think many of the “issues” we face in dating are in fact self-imposed or based in reality? The SBM will review comments with high likes or thread-replies for feature posts in the near future. We also welcome post ideas, feedback, and direct commentary through our contact us page, which you can find here. As always, thanks for reading SBM!

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From Our Partners

  • Mr_SD

    At the end of the day I say be yourself and hope someone is attracted to who you naturally are. That way you can't lose. I don't care of you're a 10 or a 6 or a got damn 2..be the best 2 you can be. Its amazing how you can attract exactly whats/who's meant for you by just being yourself.

    • Slim Jackson

      "It's amazing how you can attract exactly whats/who's meant for you by just being yourself."

      Indeed.
      My recent post Interviewing the Hiring Manager: Four Questions You Should Ask

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

      Exactly. Also attract what you want, by looking where they are. Its amazing how many dudes keep wondering why they can't find a good, quality woman when they're meeting all their girls at the club and women cant find a loyal dude when she keeps talking to men from social media.

      • GirlSixx

        Amen!!!!

        • Bree

          and hallelujah.

    • Bree

      Mr_SD cosign on that all day long! Truth.org.
      What people checking for "10's" sometimes fail to realize is what it will take to maintain a relationship with a 10. Not to mention the fact that 10's don't remain 10's for the rest of their lives. Just like credit scores, league numbers can go up and down and change like the weather. I know a few men who got with and married their "perfect 10's" and ended up cursing the day they met her singing Carl Thomas "Wish I Never Met her." I watched the story of Judge Mabelline Ephraim on VH1 Unsung. She talked about how she met her "dream man" in college and he swept her off her feet. Same man went on to hit her more than once and tell her she was ugly and no man would ever want her or love her but him. Moral of those types of stories is this – "All that glitters is not gold."

    • shareefjackson

      Agreed. People are scared to be themselves because they don't think will attract the person they are looking for. But why would you want to attract someone that's not comfortable with you in your own skin?
      My recent post #1ReasonWhy We All Must Stand for Diversity

    • cynicaloptmst81

      *drops a $20 in the collection plate*

      *percolates back to my seat*

    • Dr. J

      I said this downstream but i'll say it again, I think people are thinking about looks too much.

      It really ain't even got to be about that. It can just be a brother with a very great career, no kids, no record, strong faith-minded, focused on family and marriage, funny, entertaining, mature, disciplined and ambitious spirit.

      That guy may not be Adonis in the club, but I'm almost positive that dude is a 10 in most women's book barring he doesn't look like Shrek. The same applies to women too. I always say, the way a man looks at his woman can take her from being a 6 to a 10 with just one look.

      • Bree

        "the way a man looks at his woman can take her from being a 6 to a 10 with just one look. " Love It!
        Cosign.

        • BlueSteele

          times 2

    • ShuShuMama

      Co-sign! We make the simple things complicated…just be you. Everything else will fall into place.

  • brownbelle

    I completely agree with this. Nobody likes to admit that they may not be a 10 in everybody else's eyes or *gasp!* they may not be a 10, period. Everyone has a lane. It's like on Friends (forgive me, but no cable meant I grew up watching reruns of terrible shows) when Joey talks about how you can only date successfully within 2pts of your number–so a 7 can date up do a 9, or down to 5 without the relationship feeling awkward or incurring scrutiny. It's just another way of saying you can't ask for what you aren't offering.

    It's definitely not the be-all, end-all cure to the dating conundrum (there never will be one unless arranged marriages become the norm) but barring extenuating circumstances people with realistic expectations tend to fare better in the dating game. I figured out in HS that politically conscious bookworms were not the preferred choice of handsome jocks. So I found myself a handsome computer nerd & couldn't be happier!
    My recent post Beneath the surface

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

      computer nerds get all the honeys
      My recent post Today’s Word is… LOVE

      • Graciela

        Those are my EXACT type!

    • Larry

      "when Joey talks about how you can only date successfully within 2pts of your number–so a 7 can date up do a 9, or down to 5 without the relationship feeling awkward or incurring scrutiny"

      They went into detail about this here philosophy in that movie, "She's Out of Your League" (which is actually pretty funny and kinda good, lol). Dude in the movie broke it down to a science…comedy! lol.

  • Graciela

    It's not that "we are ignoring the 47%". It's the fact that the 47% are ignoring themselves.

  • oh ok…

    Yup, like Mr._SD said above, " Its amazing how you can attract exactly whats/who's meant for you by just being yourself." Its soooo true..(Ok Im a lil tired so bear w/ me here!)
    I think ALOT of people just give up on being themselves after awhile due to dating pitfalls. Its sad, but real. My reality is that I never gave up on "me". Thats why I was single (longtime)…and why I only found my first bf at 30. Im thankful for him & my restraint in choosing a mate. I wanted a guy that accepted me and not a fantasy. Meh…people need to wake up and recognize that no one is perfect and in fact the imperfections of the 47% are what makes this country great in the first place.
    IMO, perfection is a myth! We all are "good" people…and "good" people can make mistakes too.
    Life is only what you make it. Don't stay jaded…#thatisall

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  • chi9ja

    people might hate me for saying this but I'll still say it. this post should be especially for the men. i say this because you see all these fine working class, making a whole lotta money women( myself included) being told that we need to reduce our expectations and wants in men, so most women end up with a man they basically have to scrub up from scratch like he was a new born baby, teach him how to dress, social etiquette etc.
    Now the reverse would be (and its really the injustice of this part that eats at me), these men who don't take care of themselves, don't build their skills in life, simply just make do with the absolute barest minimum they can get away with, somehow by some miracle wants (and sadly these days, gets) a woman who has worked frigging hard to move up in the world and better herself.
    this actually reminds me of your post on lazy men, IMHO for women, the 47% are littered with men such as I've described, its almost like women are being punished sometimes.
    as a woman and a human being, i make the conscious effort to strive to grow everyday, and want to settle down with a man like me, can you imagine what a powerful force we would be if that could happen???????
    but instead you get these typesof lazy men 1. the guys who won't get off their asses to better themselves and 2. the few who better themselves but because of the first group of lazy men they don't feel like they actually have to work in a relationship.

    for my comment on this article I'm sticking with the lazy men #1, pls tell them to either
    1. better themselves, even if not for these women whom are out of their league, then, for themselves. we owe it to ourselves as human being to continuously grow or
    2. date and marry women in their own class

    thank you.

    • cakes_and_pies

      The way I perceive your comment is that you have no room and no use for any man, let alone a lazy man. It's songs like you've made it already.
      I don't know where you live or what your daily environment entails, but there are lots of good men out there (wherever "there" is).
      Why get your feathers ruffled about the men who are no good to you?
      If I'm looking to buy a Camry, I wouldn't go to a used Daewoo or Kia dealership and pick off reasons why those cars are no good. I'd only peruse the cars that I want and forget the rest.

      • chi9ja

        its sad that you perceived my comment that way, that wasn’t what i meant AT ALL. and i know there are good men out there and those of us women who feel like good men are in a shortage are complaining because we WANT not just men, but good men to come home to.
        the Daewoo or Kia dealership would the 47% in this post where these lazy men #1 reside, and my comment was trying to explain why they are ignored and what they could do about it.

        • cakes_and_pies

          Not necessarily sad, it was just a perception you cleared up.

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

        <insert 2 chainz ad libs> #truuuuuu #tellem

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

      Well to do women constantly chase potential and expectations and it backfires in the long run. Women tend to date who they think that person might be, men date for who you are now. The 47% are what they are, love em or leave em alone. Women tend to constantly pick the best of the worst then get upset that after all that he still is nowhere near what you wanted him to be. As i said on a post the other day, "there's boys you can mold into men, they're called sons".

      • 2cool4school

        Women tend to date who they think that person might be, men date for who you are now.

        TRUE STORY
        Typical woman: well I know he doesn't have the greatest credit/job/career etc. but he's taking night classes and in (insert amount of time) we will be living lovely. Yeah I know he only texts me and I haven't met his friends or family but one day he'll finally realize we're soulmates.

        But imagine if the typical man said: Yeah I know that she doesn't look the great and she got smutted out in college but she's born again and just got this gym membership and after she grows out her edges and saves up for facials/nails/clothes she's gonna be $hittin on the competition.

        Never gonna happen

        • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

          exactly, men will keep potential at bay but wont wife anything off potential
          My recent post Today’s Word is… UNDERRATED

        • http://twitter.com/B_rockPetty @B_rockPetty

          TRUTH. I was actually in this EXACT situation with a guy. He said, almost verbatim, what 2cool4school said in the last paragraph (to my face actually). But like Tristan said..I was strung along..and along…and along, kept at bay…until I broke it off.

        • http://twitter.com/B_rockPetty @B_rockPetty

          lol, I meant the last line of the last paragraph.

        • Smielz_920

          I agree @Tristan and 2cool4school

          But how many times do women hear “Give him a chance” or “I'm not perfect work with the kid" or “You have worked with him help build up" …etc…. It’s like woman get knocked when we dismiss potential and don’t take it into consideration.

          I think everyone takes potential into account, but you shouldn’t try to build a whole relationship off of it, and that's where some women mess up. Building a relationship off of Hope instead of a relationship built off FACTS, ACTIONS, and Consistency.

        • Bree

          I think women work with potential more because they kinda have to in a way. Remember, it's easier for a man to get a wife, than it is a woman to get a husband.

        • 2cool4school

          I agree with you and i think we have to mentally prepare ourselves for the fact that men (especially 28+) are set on who they are and their trajectory. The issue is when we are disappointed with our choice but complacent we will nag, complain, withhold sex, and all manner of passive aggressive nonsense when that man was just being himself.

        • BlueSteele

          Withhold sex? There are other ways to show your frustration. LMAO #AintNobodyGotTimeForThat

        • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

          i think im in love with you lol

        • 2cool4school

          Hold on now I didn't say THAT part was a personal anecdote. Im not for depriving myself but afterwards he's gonna have to fix his own sandwich.

        • BlueSteele

          There's a lot of talk about women who consider potential when dating. My only issue with the opinion that women should date the man "as-is", is that it's overwhelmingly contradictory to what I've heard in other discussions on the topic.

          It seems that any time the issue of black women being "too picky" or having "unrealistic standards" comes up, the number one argument from men is that we should look past his current situation and see his potential, be more supportive, etc.
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3kd_jwaDG0&fe
          (fast forward to 2:35)

          Which is it fellas? Am I looking at this the wrong way?

        • Bree

          Good point BlueSteele…in fact I recall one of the male commenters saying that he wanted a woman that "made him better" in the Fab/Neo voice. If thats the case then accepting a man as is faults and all is indeed very contradictory.

        • BlueSteele

          **Points at Mr_SD**

        • Dr. J

          Nah that's not true. Men wife off potential all the time.

          They'll take a 21 year old who is like a 7 and mold that girl into a 10-woman before they'll take a 30 year old woman who is a solid 8/9. I've been there many times when a dude was like, "If she stop messing with her hair and wore these types of clothes she'd be tough." They wife her and she goes on to be like a sleeper pick.

        • Bree

          Thanks for the clarification on that Doc J.

      • chi9ja

        women constantly chase potential and expectations
        that's true i wont lie. i had to learn to chose to date only what i was seeing in the present and not the future becos some people won't agree with your interpretation/expectation of their lives and that's okay, some people will also not rise to your expectations of them, that's also okay becos in the long run its their life and so long as they are okay with it, who am i to tell them any different?

    • Larry

      "end up with a man they basically have to scrub up from scratch like he was a new born baby, teach him how to dress, social etiquette etc…"

      "these men who don't take care of themselves, don't build their skills in life, simply just make do with the absolute barest minimum they can get away with…"

      I feel like you're describing a "lower class" of men here as opposed to the "middle class" of men that the authors in the post are essentially talking about. But, everyone see's things differently and those defnitions are subjective. Your idea of "middle class" men may be many others idea of "lower class" or vice versa.

      • chi9ja

        nope, not necessarily, that a guy doesn't know how to carry himself, dress etc doesn't mean he's in the lower class (i'm interpreting lower class here to mean not earning much)

        • Larry

          Right, like I said, our idea of middle clas may be different than others, hence the subjectivity. Although, I dont believe the class structure the authors laid out was meant to be based on monetary ideals. But I could be wrong.

    • Smilez_920

      @chi9ja.. It think you and Wim both are right about the 47%. I think you're describing the lower half of the 47%.

      You have the bottom of the bucket 3% : ( Bums, Abusers , 8 kids by 8 different women, No job etc…what ever bad thing you could think if. The worst of the worst)

      You have the lower 47%: The men you described. ( Their one step away from being in the 3% but they miss it by an inch)

      You have the upper 47%: The ppl / men described in WIMS post

      The upper 3 %: Jesus Chirst himself ……

      • chi9ja

        i wouldn't necessarily call them the lower half….they are most of the 47% with some unfortunate good men who have gotten themselves in the group.
        and they guys i'm referring to are not even so much the bums of the lot, just those guys that use the statement "love me or leave me" as an excuse not to do anything.

    • http://inanimatethoughts.blogspot.com Animate

      Yeah, there is clearly absolutely nothing wrong on your end…nothing at all.
      My recent post Murci, Murci Me

      • BlueSteele

        lol I love the #sarcasm

    • Peter Parker

      "can you imagine what a powerful force we would be if that could happen???????" The main reason why I refuse to settle. Looking to create a power team and dynasty with my potential wife. The sky is the limit when you have two people on the same page…..

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

    #teamregularpeople. Word to Theo Huxtable. I say im in the 50% WIM described, dates are easy, mates are not. All it takes to date is her attraction to you and her availability. I'm a 6.5 and I can date a 10. A long term relationship with her might be another story.
    My recent post Today’s Word is… LOVE

    • Bree

      Have people forgotten that a man can be "the devil" ie 6, 6, & 6 and be more of an azzhole than the devil and treat a woman worse than the devil. Just like a woman can be a 10 plus plus and be a bit** and treat a man worse than her dog. When will people learn to stop putting so much stock into the wrong attributes in dates & future mates….? And those people wonder why they are still miserable in a relationship with their "perfect 10's." smdh.

  • Penelope

    When I first discovered this site I thought I had stumbled across the Holy Grail of the Mind of the Single Black Man. I literally read every single post within the weekend. What can I say…it has been a real downer.

    • BlueSteele

      Lol. IMO that's on you my dear. These guys never intended the site to be the Holy Grail, they'd probably be selling memberships if that were the case.

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

        selling memberships eh….i can use a side hustle…ladies pick my brain fo a dolla
        My recent post Today’s Word is… UNDERRATED

    • http://www.WisdomIsMisery.com WisdomIsMisery

      Learning from the lessons of last week, I'm going to try the high road this time lol

      Penelope, thanks for sharing your opinion. As said in the post, we welcome post ideas, feedback, and direct commentary through our Contact Us page, which you can find here. If there's a topic you'd like addressed that we've somehow missed in the roughly 1,500 blogs we've written here, we'd be happy to review. Additionally, we accept guest posts. If you find these options insufficient, I do, sincerely, wish you the best of luck finding the Holy Grail.

      • BlueSteele

        I applaud you WIM, lol.

        • BlueSteele

          Lol, I get thumbed down any time I agree with one of you now. #theystillmad

      • http://inanimatethoughts.blogspot.com Animate

        I prefered Dr. J's "nigga read the NY Times" lol
        My recent post Murci, Murci Me

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

      1500 posts in a weekend #whatyourlifeliketho
      My recent post Today’s Word is… UNDERRATED

      • BlueSteele

        I thought about that, but I was going to leave it alone. I have a hard enough time studying a few chapters of work in a weekend.

        • MaggK

          LMAO im done with yall… I'm in tears… Poor Penelope!!!

        • BlueSteele

          IKR, she had no idea what she was stepping into. lol

        • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

          i made a general inquiry…im not a cyber bully

      • Larry

        I guess it took all the way up to the 1500 post to realize the site was a real downer….dah well, lol.

  • shareefjackson

    I agree with this post 100%. There are plenty of good people out there in the world that are worth dating. I have so many friends that will disregard a potential date for a variety of superficial reasons. People need to drop the act and give potential dates a chance. Even if it's someone you don't think you'd be attracted you, a few dates can either confirm or deny that opinion.

    If more people focused on the 47% instead of shooting for the moon, less people would be complaining.
    My recent post #1ReasonWhy We All Must Stand for Diversity

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  • Darrk Gable

    I always find these debates comical. I had this same discussion on Twitter last week. It all comes down to staying in your lane. In our early to mid twenties, we all want them 10s. As we get older, ideally folks will recognize that staying in their lane is the best way to accomplish the end goal, whatever that may be. There’s nothing wrong with shooting for the stars, but if you’re not equipped for that stratosphere, the unfulfilled ability to stay there can wreak havoc on one’s self-esteem.

    People may view it as settling, but really it’s about personal contentment. They must ask themselves, do I wish to be fulfilled in my relationship, or do I want to chase after an unrealized expectation?

  • Bree

    What are your thoughts on the ideas presented above SBM Fam? Respect the opinions but it's all relative to each individual. People do the things they do for a wide variety of reasons, some most of us will never understand. Topics like these we can discuss until the end of time and still there will be no cookie cutter, black and white solutions because we as individuals are all very unique in our thinking, mentality, and personalities.
    Do you think many of the “issues” we face in dating are in fact self-imposed or based in reality? A little of both for many many reasons.

  • Bree

    I don't agree with the concept of leagues and I don't think it's applicable to most people. Imo most times "leagues" are based on material things, status, and physical attrbutes. These are things that don't remain the same, and don't make a person fundamentally better on the inside, (where it really counts).
    I think many people do have an idealized version of the person they want to be with. Many times though, if and when they get with that person, they don't live up to the "ideal" and they end up with regrets and disappointment.

  • Bree

    Part of the root of the problem is peoples warped ideas about what they really need in a partner in a relationship and marriage. Too much focus is on "league" attributes and not the character, heart, and morals of the person.
    I believe we all want to be loved by each other the way God loves us. Thing is, most of the time, you won't get that love from other people just because they have all the "league attributes" that you desire. Those are all good for casual dating and when ur not looking for something serious. But they won't sustain you for a lifetime with that person.

  • AfterMath

    Cool stuff, but the whole "stay in your lane" idea is BS in my opinion. I know dudes who I'd rank as probably 4 (but what do I know about ranking dudes), and dude has pulled a dime and married her so he must be doing something right, right?

    I get the feeling that people who are saying "stay in your lane" would be the same ones who, if I came up with a risky idea to start a business, they'd be the ones saying that I couldn't do it or to go the safe route.

    I mean, I hate striking out as much as the next guy, but if I think I've met the perfect woman, I'm not gonna not approach because I'm a – whatever I am – and she's a 10, I'm gonna approach and see what happens. And unless its the unlikely event where she starts to stalk me and harass me for having the audacity to approach somebody out of my league, the worse she can do is just say no and I keep it moving.

    Cause the opposite, the whole "I'm only dating you cause I know I don't have a shot at your friend Tiffany" doesn't sound too appealing. And if I'm going to strike out, I'd rather strike out going for the HR than on a bunt attempt.
    My recent post Learn About “the Other” Algebra

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

      fair point, but i think there's one thing to go out on a limb (something im trying to get more comfortable doing personally) and just flat out throwing everything at the wall until something sticks. There's 4's talking about why can't i find a 10, all the while wont even give a 7 no play (okay im over the number system now). There's dreams and there's realism. You don't apply to Harvard with a GED.

      • Darrk Gable

        That’s the point I was trying to make. It’s akin to having champagne taste w/ a Dollar General budget. Realism is key in this.

        • bree

          Who are u/yall to say who can and cannot pull who based on a number system??? Really….??? U cannot compare people and how their minds work to concrete things.
          Of course u can't get into Harvard with a GED, Most all universities and 4 year colleges require a hs diploma. Just like you can't get a job without filling out a job application first. You can't just walk in and say I want a job and give your resume and interview and your hired. Even if you have a resume most places still require you to fill out an application. Why one person gets with another depends on whats important to them and what they want and need in that person.
          Some men do Not want a woman that works because they want her time spent at home.
          Some women have talked to men they had no interest in at first, but the mans persistence paid off and now they are together. He may have started out a zero, but became her perfect 10 and they are perfectly happy together.

        • Bree

          One example of mismatched numbers is Monique and her husband. Yeah I know folks say he got with her because of her money and fame. But who's to say that after goin thru years of bs with 10's he didn't one day take notice of Monique, and start to look at her differently, and decide to give her a chance and try something new and fell in love with her. They say the same thing about Denzels wife. She may not be Sanaa Lathan, but she was there with him before he got on St. Elsewhere and has been down with him and supported him through every up and down. Pauletta has put in serious work, been faithful, loyal and earned everything she has with him right now.

        • Bree

          I know people who are different races who get together and fall in love. They were having no luck following the enfamous "number system" and they fell in love with the most unlikely people. My Cambodian & Chinese girlfriend's husband is black. I have a black friend who married an avg looking brown haired white man. I currently work with a black man in a relationship with a Persian (Indian) woman. I also work with a big white chick that has a very cute slim/muscular built black boyfriend. She is not rich and doesn't have a fancy title or college degree. She works in HR as an admin assistant and is currently in school for her Associates degree.
          From what I've seen, some of the oddest couples learn a lot from each other and benefit a great deal from being together. They become better people because of who they are with.
          In my friendships with people of other cultures and ethnicities, I've learned more from them than I ever could in a classroom and from reading books.

        • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

          it's not about can or cannot, the post was on the people who struggle to find mates, simple solution go head and switch your style up, men holding out for women who don't want them, women turning down good dudes that do. it happens all the time. The persistent guy gets the girl when the girl softens her stance, if she remains stubborn that doesn't happen. If the guy remains persistant now he's missing out on other women who may like him. It's a cycle

        • AfterMath

          Its a cycle if you view it that way.

          The story of dating is that people want to fall in love with someone who's in love with them. If I know the type of woman I generally like then I'm going to do what I can to attract that type of a woman. What sense does it make going to the club to meet women if I know that – although I can probably get 5-10 numbers, I probably won't want to call any of them. Sure I can keep going, collecting numbers, trying and maybe I'll meet that woman who doesn't normally do clubs, but her friends forced her to come out. Or I could just go to a library / church / conference / etc. where I know that the type of women that I'm generally attracted to are going to be. Sure they may not have liked me in the past but that doesn't mean I need to go to the club and say "well this is the best I can do".
          My recent post Learn About “the Other” Algebra

        • Darrk Gable

          Nobody is telling anybody they can’t go for the gold. However, if one keeps getting friendzoned, shot down, or generally disregarded by the same types of people they are generally attracted to, a readjustment of their expectations might be in order.

        • AfterMath

          or maybe a readjustment on their game. There are a lot of things that can change a situation. Go on match.com. Probably 90 percent of those ladies say they want a funny dude who likes to travel. So a guy who's got a sense of humor or who can at least learn to throw out a one liner and make people laugh at least has a chance, no matter what his "number" is.
          My recent post Learn About “the Other” Algebra

        • bree

          This I can cosign on Darrk Gable.

        • Bree

          Plus the fact that if ur shot down by certain "types" that may be what you want, it doesn't necessarily mean they are what you need. God has some unique ways of looking out for us sometimes. ijs.

      • AfterMath

        "You don't apply to Harvard with a GED."

        Going back to my analogy, where's the law that says that you need a Harvard degree to do something. If my boy has a GED and wants do do something, then the question is more about his plan of action for doing it. I'm not going to say to him, well you need to first go to college and if that works out then, … because that may not be in his plans. How come we spend time cherishing "geniuses" like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs and all these college dropouts who went a different way to form their paths, but knock our people when we try to do it?

        Same goes for the dating game. This isn't math and there's no formula for how to get him/her. The key thing is that if it works then it was the right thing to do, if not then it wasn't. We've got all these general rules but those are just like having Harvard on a job application, you can follow these rules to a tee, but you can wind up just as lonely.

        Just do you and if it leads to you meeting that true love then great. If not, then at least you won't feel like a sellout.
        My recent post Learn About “the Other” Algebra

    • oh ok…

      "I get the feeling that people who are saying "stay in your lane" would be the same ones who, if I came up with a risky idea to start a business, they'd be the ones saying that I couldn't do it or to go the safe route." CLASSIC!

  • S-Wills

    This is one of the best posts on this site… next to the article on how nice guys can finish first, it's probably the best one I've read.
    My take on the situation is this: Most of us have an image and a concept of ourselves that we think is right and true and honest. We see mainly the positives, minimize the negatives and we always think of ourselves as deserving of the best. (We all deserve the best, whatever it means to you). With that image, we also have a mental picture of the qualities we think would be a good match for us. Everything from looks to character is all filled in. Consequently, when we go looking for our match we can overlook those women who do not meet our standards or list of qualities which can lead to the 47%-ers feeling left out. The problem with this situation is that our mental picture of ourselves is always skewed and seldom correct as it does not give us a full view of who we are… warts an all. If we were able to see ourselves clearly then maybe we would be more open to dating those who did not meet our fictitious list.. hell, we might even thrown away the list itself. I think that's one of the issues leading to many good people being overlooked on both sides of the equation. The idea that someone is out of their league might just be a misalignment of perception.

    • Bree

      It's funny to me how so many people always "claim" they want a person who is nice, sweet, loving, kind, caring, supportive and all that other gushy internal stuff. They say those things are thee most important things to them in a mate, yet they continually subscribe to the "number system" and wonder why they're "never satisfied." smh

  • Poetic Justice

    Many readers have commented on this article and several over the last couple weeks about acknowledging what you want and focusing on that. I think this is key in relationships. IMO dating has 3 objectives: A- You want to enjoy the company of a man/woman. B- You want to be in a comfortable, "reservations aside" committed relationship or C- You want a partner and soul mate that challenges you and encourages growth. I agree with the idea that "leagues" aren't linear. Someone can be a 10 for "objective A" but a 2 for "objective C. That's the reality. The self imposed issues arise when a person really wants to achieve objective C but their focusing their efforts on a 2 in objective C because that 2 is a 10 in objective A.
    I think if we spend a little more time discovering and being honest with what we want and need, we'll no doubt expand our horizons.

  • aunaturale

    Am I the only one that would like to further discuss what this 47% looks like? What exactly are the characteristics of this 47%? I think I'm probably one among them but other than not having the ability to hop in and out of relationships with ease, what does being a 47%'er say about me?

  • InsomniaPoet

    It seems like y'all are saying to settle. When it comes to the numbers game pretty much everyone will rank you differently, (one man's 10 is another man's 1) and I think that is exactly why you can't alter your wants in a mate/relationship for anything. I think both men & women should figure out what they truly want and wait it out till they get it. If you never find it, oh well maybe it wasn't meant to be. If you know what you want, you wait and work until you can acheive it. It's like do you really want your ideal relationship or do you just want the best relationship you can get at the moment?? I'd rather wait for my ideal.

    • Dr. J

      I don't think anyone is saying settle. If you're a 10 and you end up with a 10, how is that settling? Moreover, the main point is that you'll be good at being yourself instead of trying to be something you're not. People always take these conversations and think about looks, it's not always about that. And even still nobody is saying, don't shoot for the stars…

      Like I don't know any other way to make $500 million by tomorrow except the lottery, so i'll do it. But I won't keep doing it over and over to no success, i'll stick to things I know and do well.

      Sell crack rocks to the community until the money piles up!

      • InsomniaPoet

        My point is doesn't everyone think they are a 10? Or at least have 10 potential? Maybe I am just cocky but in my mind I am a10 lmao so of course I am gonna be looking for what I consider to be a 10! Now that doesn't mean he is gonna necessarily look like Tyrese, but he is gonna need to be everything I want. For me to say, well I have flaws so I am really a 5, now lemme stay in my lane and find other flawed a$$ 5's to be happy is wack (for lack fo a better term).

      • oh ok…

        lol!@Dr.J
        Dude you cray!

    • Bree

      Insomnia I agree to a certain extent. The key is making sure your wants and needs are realistic, and reasonable. Not to mention making sure that the person you can still love and stick with your s/o when they're at they're worst.
      I watched a youtube video on marriage and relationships. The guy said that as fine as Tyra Banks was to him, he wouldn't trade a week with her for his absolute worst day with his wife. Thats Real Love, and thats the kind of love we all need in our lives.

      • Darrk Gable

        That’s all the point really is; be realistic.

  • http://www.glamourgoddesslisa.com Lisa

    Sad, so sad. but I like what I like. I usually like that guy who is not rich, is middle class and unassuming. This guy is typically brainy, well spoken and probably was a nerd in school and got picked on. He is usually quite attractive and doesnt know it, so he has a lack of confidence in himself, and therefore feels that I am out of his league. I then end up dealing with a man who has me on some damn platform because he has pegged me for high maintainance. That is annoying as hell. You dont have to pay for my clothes, shoes, hair, bills or nails, unless you want to. Otherwise I got that. We dont have to go to $$$$ restaurants. I love to go out but it doesnt have to be $$$$$. Just treat me right and spend time with me. Yes I like to be doted on, what girl does not? But It does not have to be in excess. I said all that to say this, MEN stop sizing up a girl just on her appearence and what you think she wants. Man up and step to a woman with real converstation, a sense of humor and confidence. Personality will take you a long way fellas. Take it from me. I have dated men that looked like craig mack to stay puff. If you have personality, it carries weight.

  • Graciela

    There are 2 sides to this whole thing: Reaching out of your league because you actually have what it takes and you're on your way there AND reaching out of your league because you have a deep need for validation.

    One side is rooted in CONFIDENCE and the other is rooted in INSECURITY. The problem with dating these days is lack of self reflection. Looks aside, people don't really check themselves. They don't take the time out to figure out what is it that they need to do on an emotional level to rise to the top.

    It's not about degrees, money, looks, or chex game. Successful people in general have very high EMOTIONAL IQ, which is missing in society these days. We're so distracted by the goal of obtaining the degree, the certain income level, the certain "10" that we don't realize how emotionally mature we have to be in order to not just obtain it, but to KEEP it.

    This goes back to the lazy man's post. It's EASY to find someone. Everyone is very lax about the whole dating scene because mostly, everyone is just looking for validation more than anything. But just like anything else worth obtaining, there is some serious soul searching involved before you embark on anything worthwhile.

    You decided to get a degree? Well you had to get your mind right to get a degree, otherwise you'll fail.
    You decided to get a promotion? Well you had to get your mind right to get a promotion or you will stay where you are.
    You decided to go after that 10? Well then how come you didn't realize that you had to get your mind right before you can even approach a "10"? I'm talking about a confident 10 vs an insecure 10.

    CONFIDENCE is what seduces people, and it's the same thing that keeps them. What people don't realize is that confidence is a result of INNER work not OUTER validation. And that explains why there are multitudes of couples where the individuals rank differently on the scale.

  • Peter Parker

    I would just add that just do you. If you want a 10, holla at 10's, if you want a 5 with potential, so be it. I will never knock anyone for trying to be with the best potential mate because at the end of the day, you have to please yourself. I think your success rate will be better when you make sure your stuff is together, but I have seen cats who are at the bottom snag chicks who based on looks alone are 9's and 10's. If you keep trying, trying, and trying you are bound to hit and I think that's the approach you must take.

  • James

    The issue is economics. Something I feel is a factor in modern relationship. If its true we will switch jobs -regardless if one has a degree wouldn’t it make sense that as a result salaries fluctuate. Dating is only feasible if one has disposable income. Add wages have been frozen too much of the last three decades. So it’s possible that many are being overlooked because at that time financially they were in a rut or between jobs. Did I mention school loans and personal debt hamstring peoples financies as well.

    I assume we are talkin about fairly mature mid 20 something’s and up. At this point isn’t this where we start applying lessons learned. If you are in one of these financial ruts the prudent thing to do is cut out extra activities like dating. To the outsider looking in you may seem beneath their financial status. But they may not really be the case. In sports terms you are rebuilding. No playoffs and primetime tv coverage. Just the barebones of looking over contracts and personell.

    I know of plenty of people who in their late 20′s and thirties turned everything around. Many speak about being overlooked or not able to really flex like they wanted.

    Of course this really affects men more because the dating structure is till what it was 100 years ago. Man asks woman for a date. An expense he is willing to pay. Add our modern day dating nuances I say we are still behind in how we look at people’s lives in the 21st century.

    Today we are doing more at the same age when people traditionally dated and eventually married. To think we are going to college obtain degrees and roll into a middle class lifestyle by 30 is extremely shortsighted.

    For a variety of reason some economic some career oriented the person you blow off becuase they are blue collar-may turn out to be a power broker in the future. As I said before life is now lived non linerally but people still live lineraly and people wonder why there’s an imbalance.

  • heyheynow

    Wow this has got to the best information I've ever read. This makes complete and utter sense people aren't dating in their numbers. There's just one thing though there is an imbalance when it comes to the attainment of college degrees. There are way more women…black women obtaining degrees than black men. So if a girl is a six phyiscally why we would she date another man who is a six but doens't have a degree and she does? Where is the fairness in that? I agree in terms of looks but in terms of education I totally disagree, I would probably consider myself a 7.5…lol only comes I'm tall and tall guys are harder to come by than successful ones when it comes to phyiscally appearance but when it comes to education I have almost completed my master degree I wouldn't want a 5..guy who just has a college degree..you feel me does that make since? lol idk

  • heyheynow

    and my spelling/grammar is off I know but this isn't my thesis so I'm chilling thanks