Breaking News: The Woman You Love Has a Past!

We all have skeletons in our closet. Some closets are more decorative than others but we all have them. Such is life.  When your past collides with your present, the question becomes how much is too much. How much is your partner expected to bear? Are you obligated to reveal all the skeletons in your closet when you and your partner make a serious commitment? If you decide to keep a few buried, and they are suddenly unearthed, should your partner forgive and forget? Should they love you for the person you are and not judge you for the person you were? These were a few of the many questions buzzing around on and off the Internet due to a Yahoo ‘Dear Abby’ question from a devastated husband. It read as follows:

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for five years. I recently discovered that she made between 10 and 20 porn videos when she was 19. We got married when she was 27. We have four kids from two previous marriages.

I am devastated. When I confronted her about it, she cried harder than I had ever seen. She said she was lost, and it’s the biggest regret of her entire life.

I understand how hard it can be to tell someone you have done something like this. I haven’t led a perfect life either, and I have my own skeletons and things that I would never mention. But still, I can’t get over this. I have never felt pain like this in my entire life and don’t know what to do. I love my wife and don’t want a divorce, but it haunts my every thought. We have had a great life and I trust her completely. What should I do to get over this?

– DEVASTATED IN THE U.S.A.

OUCH! You can read Abby’s response by clicking here.

SAY IT AINT SO!

This man just found out his wife of five years was a former adult film star. I guess it’s all fun and games, until one of those “video” downloads features your wife (Notice the husband doesn’t explain how he “recently discovered” the videos, but I’m sleep).  What do you do, what do you do? Given the severity of this particular revelation, I think we have to ask ourselves a few questions. At least these are the questions I would ask myself.

1. Can I get past the fact that you lied? Is it lying if you withhold information you thought I’d never found out? This one is up in the air, but I’d say, “yes.” With the continued advancement of the Internet, it’s rare that anything stays buried forever, so you might as well tell me upfront. I’d rather hear it from you than, receive a phone call from my friend at 3:45am claiming he spotted you on some sketchy adult website.

Besides, Kim Kardashian dropped a sex tape and she stays having boyfriends. Amber Rose in all her bare bottom glory is only one Google search away, yet someone put a ring on it – and some still view her as having reasonable wife material qualities. Making mistakes in your past is not unforgivable. Lying about them until they’re revealed? Possibly unforgivable. It’s important to point out that, compounded with the act, it is often the lie itself that is unforgivable.

2. How many movies are there and are they well known? “Between 10 and 20” videos is a strange answer. Either you did 10 or you did 20. Since women have a weird non-arithmetic based system when it comes to calculating the number of men they slept with, they will gladly tell you with a straight face that you can in fact sleep with a range of people. Over here in real life, this is impossible.

It’s different if you don’t know, but you can’t sleep with “between 10 and 20” men. You either slept with 10 OR 20 men. Specific to the situation outlined above, I’d need to know how well-known the videos are. In other words, are you the Roxy Reynolds, Karrine ‘Superhead’ Steffans, or Destiny of your respective genre? For the record, if you don’t know who Destiny is you’re proving my point. I need to know if this is something our children and I will have to deal with for the rest of our lives or will only a small subcircle of perverts know? There’s a big difference between having to deal with an issue once versus having it thrown in my face each and every day as long as we both shall live. Word to Kim Kardashian.

3. What were you doing in these movies? I might be able to make peace with the fact that you were a former adult film star if the movies you made weren’t too over the top. Hypothetically speaking, let’s say I’ve seen a movie or two in my day, hypothetically speaking of course. There is a wide variety of genres. If you were the soft, safe for home movie type as one might see on Cinemax at 2:00am, then I might be able to cope. Now if you were in Gangbang Queens Volume 10 – 20, ain’t no coming back from that. I’m sorry, but I’m out! A man can only be expected to handle so much!

As a continuation of this point, if we do stay together, I hope you know that everything you did in the video(s) that we haven’t been doing in our own personal love life is now on the table. If you’ve been giving me the “I’m not that type of girl” swindle throughout our relationship and I find out you are definitely that type of girl, I’m going to expect you to rise up and show me what you’re working with. Why should I only get a part of you when there’s clearly another side of you left to explore? It only seems fair.

These are a few of MANY questions I would have to ask my wife/girlfriend and myself if a situation like this presented itself. What are your thoughts SBM?

In the Dear Abby situation, would you be able to stay with your partner? Has the Internet made it impossible to keep the past buried? Is your partner obligated to reveal all past indiscretions that might arise during the course of your relationship? Is there something you could never forgive your partner for, even if it happened in their past?

Just remember, it could always be worse.

From Our Partners

  • Well Enuff

    I agree with your assessment, "it depends." If it's some softcore basic stuff, then whatever, I'll get over it. But if it involves a mannequin hand and an electric shaver taped to a golf club is more advanced, then we need to have a serious talk. How can she feel special to me when I consciously think about every degrading thing that has been done to her on camera. And if it does work out, "everything you did in the video(s) that we haven’t been doing in our own personal love life is now on the table."

    But on the flip, he should have asked her about any crazy skeletons before the started dating, or at least before the had kids. Who wants to hear what their mother did to make ends meet when she was younger from their friends?!

  • Graciela

    Seriously? This man has mentioned that he has skeletons in his closet that he would NEVER mention (probably because his wife would judge him and never get over it) and now he's struggling in not judging his wife? I applaud this woman's bravery in owning her mistakes and coming to peace with that lost PHASE in her life. Hopefully the husband would follow her lead and own his past too.

    Men have Drake to ask us women "to have the confidence to overlook my past ways" , yet men can't do the same. The past is the past, it had nothing to do with the husband, so the husband should just get over it and get over himself.

    • NoHeauxZone

      BRAVE?????????
      This reforned heaux ain't brave! Her ass got caught gobblin d*cks on film!
      I would be out of that peace.

      • Graciela

        How did she get caught if she was the one who told her husband? Her bravery has nothing to do with what she did, but the fact that she owned that time in her life, and moved past it and was able to tell her husband about instead of keeping it in the closet.

        Better than some self righteous chicks who talk about how they aren't garden tools when they just got banged out by 3 dudes the week before.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          The husband discovered the truth and confronted her with it…he knew it was her when he saw it. Nothing brave about that. She was caught. Reread his email…

  • Graciela

    I couldn't forgive actions that result in a felony conviction: Rape, murder, child abuse, etc..

    • Well Enuff

      Murder is questionable to me. Like in the case of battered woman syndrome, I'd be able to forgive that, but I'd keep my guns away from her. Or even if you kill the person who sexually abused you or your kids, that gets a pass in my book.

  • Smilez_920

    I mean , I couldn’t blame him if he left his wife for that. I can’t blame him for being mad or struggling to forgive her. She did 10- 20 movies, and didnt feel that maybe she should mention it to her husband that she was an ex p 0 rn star. It wasn’t like she did one video, then I would tell him to just get over it. 10 to 20 there was clearly something going on with her that he needs to explore to make sure it doesn’t come up again.

    Your past is YOUR past , not anyone else’s . You have to give your partner the option to deal with something that big. They don’t have to accept your past if they don’t want to , by not telling your partner man or women about some shady activity that could affect their future , you take away their right to choose to deal with you .

    For example , if I found out that when my husband was 20 he did p 0 rn ( 10 to 20 movies ) or even better gay p 0 rn ( supposedly there are straight male p 0 rn stars that go gay for pay) and he didnt feel the need to mention that to me before we got married and I dedicated my life to him, I would be pissed . Now maybe he did it at 20 and at 21 realize that life wasn’t for him, and completely change his life ( maybe there were other circumstances that made him choose to make that money ) but he needs to let me know before we walk down the isle .

    I couldn’t forgive my partner if he hid a child from a past relationship, former rapist or child molester, hid a past marriage from me , former porn star or pimp etc ….

  • AfterMath

    "How can I ease the stress and learn to live with these regrets"

    We've all got things in our past, and hell our lives that we're not the most proud of. Some things you may think are just going to end the relationship and your partner may just dismiss them. Others may be the opposite. But I don't think there's any universal answer like "always tell the truth". I've got things memories I've locked in a vault for good reason. Maybe one day I'll open that vault but to make it a requirement is a bit much. Its also a bit much for me to require that you accept me locking things in a vault or (once they become revealed) that you stay with me. That's all a part of the relationship process.
    My recent post Learn About “the Other” Algebra

    • Smilez_920

      True. But ppl know when their hiding something that could be detrimental to a relationship . If you’ve done 10 to 20 adult films and though that you shouldn’t mention that to me before I decide to give my life to you, that’s messed up.

      The only person who has to accept your past is you. Ever one else is optional , and when you don’t fess up, your taking away their option. It’s not like she held back a little misc secreat , being an x- adult film star is a lot to handle .

      Yes no one is perfect, but there are limits . Maybe I’m just mean, but there only so much of a past I won’t to actually deal with. When you marry someone their past can sometimes become a part of your future .

      • AfterMath

        Suppose it wasn't adult films though? Suppose it was that she and her partner recorded "activities" back in college? What if those videos leaked out, would that change things? What if s/he sent some naked pics over a cell phone cam? What if I was in a long distance relationship and my girl recorded pictures of my junk during a webchat? Do any of these scenarios change things?

        When I'm dating a person, I'm dating them as the person I am now. If we get into conversations about my past there are certain things I'm willing to discuss openly and certain things that I'm not. And if my girl is uncomfortable with me being unwilling to discuss things that are in my closet, then I guess she won't be my girl longer. And if she stays my girl until that day that she finds out about some of the mistakes I made as a child and gets mad at me for not letting her know up front, but (like this dude) chooses to stay with me, then all is good and hopefully we'll be closer now.
        My recent post Learn About “the Other” Algebra

        • Smilez_920

          Yes that changes thing. Each scenario is different. Some of those scenarios are easier to deal with then others. We all have a different threshold. While you’re past is your past. When you get in a relationship your past can become a part of my presence.

          Example: When you were 22 you got in trouble with the law. You did some time in jail. Now you’re out, trying to change your life and in a happy relationship. Now you and your partner are engage and have a baby on the way. The job you had laid you off. You keep applying to other jobs, but your criminal record is making it hard. Your wife is taking care of all the bills, stressful. Jail may have been your past, but it’s having an affect on our future.

    • Uncle Hugh, BP

      AfterMath: "How can I ease the stress and learn to live with these regrets"

      Bonus points for working in a Reasonable Doubt quote.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

    She should've told him when before they got married and got their Brady bunch on. Dating is one thing, but marriage i want to know everything. However in this case, what's done is done, he just got to take that L on this one. I feel worse for the kids who might stumble upon it that's going to be the killer. Only thing I don't think i could forgive is murder, molestation, extreme stuff like that.
    My recent post Today’s Word is… POTENTIAL

    • AfterMath

      imagine the lil son going round doing a search for "videos" and sees his mom while his hand is in his pants. Talk about the need for therapy.
      My recent post Learn About “the Other” Algebra

    • http://inanimatethoughts.blogspot.com Animate

      PIcture this:

      Older son is talking to dad.
      Son: Dad I was on the web and came across some old “footage” with the fine one named
      Dad: Yeah…I’ve seen her.
      Son: Man the way she did that thing with her tongue.
      Dad: Yeah it feels amazing
      Son: I just…wait what?
      Dad: huh? Nothing
      Son: You know her? You got that back in the day?
      Dad: Yes and now…that’s your mom.
      My recent post Murci, Murci Me

      • BlueSteele

        *Palm to forehead*

  • BlueSteele

    I understand his pain, but did anyone else peep the irony in "I haven’t led a perfect life either, and I have my own skeletons and things that I would never mention. But still, I can’t get over this."?

    I'm a member of camp "it depends" because honestly, I've never been married so I don't how I'd feel in this situation. With the ex love, we laid everything on the table: number of partners (he had a lot), whorish activities (he was a Que, I spent some time YOLO-ing…straight shenanigans), everything, and I was able to let the past be the past and love him. This is obviously the optimal situation, but clearly it doesn't always pan out that way.

    I think I'd have to follow Abby's advice and think about all the good we had in our relationship and figure out if his past (and his lie) was worth throwing that away.

    • MaggK

      LOL!!! Seriously i stopped feeling his pain when he said that he had his "own skeletons and things that he would never mention"… *rolling my eyes*

      • BlueSteele

        As long I wasn't the only one like 0_o

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

        im curious now…he must did some off the wall stuff, no MJ
        My recent post Today’s Word is… POTENTIAL

        • MaggK

          And he's so dramatic "DEVASTATED IN THE USA" Dude please!!!

  • tSN

    Meh. It's just a video. She didn't kill anyone. We all have secrets. Are they all deleted, is the question. I mean, don't keep it from me if you have the AIDS, but just a video? It's kinda hard to bring up…but at some point, you should. So. Yeah…

  • MaggK

    I think she should have told him. And i think that now she's being exposed he needs to tell his own skeletons… And then they go frome there.
    I don't see why you would marry someone if u can't even tell him everything (?!) Truth always finds its way to the light… So better be honest whith the person you're marrying!!! Also because rebuilding the trust is hard work!!!
    Maybe i'm too romantic but doesn't love forgive everything? Sounds cheesy but if i know from the start i'll be ok… unless you're a serial killer,or you know the kind of crazy you need to be in the asylum… But don't let me go 20years (even 5years) not knowing… I'll be really mad!!! Mad black woman are crazy it's well known…

    • BlueSteele

      "I don't see why you would marry someone if u can't even tell him everything (?!)"

      +1

  • FlyyLibrarian

    Her mistake is that it's on record (video). There are probably many women that have had more than 10-20 partners and will take that to their grave and marriage without anyone knowing the truth. If you have your own secrets/skeletons you'd take to your grave, why wouldnt you think for a second that anyone else doesn't have some as well?

    I laughed the whole time reading this blog entry.

    Trust in God. Audit everyone else.

    • BlueSteele

      "Trust in God. Audit everyone else."

      Finding a way to use this in the very near future!

      • cynicaloptmst81

        Oh yeah, that's rich, LOL!

    • SMilez_920

      +1. So yea I’m going keep that quote.

      Honestly, if she wasn’t an x- adult movie star and she had just “dated 10-20 men” I don’t think this man would have any issue. It’s about the principal I guess. I mean now there is hard copy evidence that you let somebody do God knows what to you on camera. I mean idk how many of you have seen (PHUB) lately, (Purely for scientific research) but it could turn some stomachs.

      We all have things we’re going to take to our grave. Something’s are taken to the grave because they really hold no importance and have probably been tucked away and have no affect on our future. (EX: a one night stand with a bar tender in college). But anything caught on video tape, dvd, youtube, anything you had to do jail time for, anything that could possible get me killed you need to fess up too. All of us have skeletons but some of people have graveyards. If you have a graveyard you need to let your partner (Woman or man) know, that way they can choose if they want to play crypt keeper or not.

      (She didn’t have to tell him right away but she should have told him earlier)

      • BlueSteele

        I had to google phub on my phone.

  • AverageBlkGuy

    There is so much p 0 rn in the world that unless she’s like super famous and pumping out films every year then after a few years she’ll be forgotten to all but a small niche of perverts. Through my work I’ve met and have become friends with former prostitutes, strippers, low budget stars, drug addicts and all manner of people. The thing to realize is that they are just like you and me.. regular people and people can change, which she obviously did. As I see it, the only issue and main issue is the deception. It was a lie of omission and the fact that she needed to keep it secret was kind of shameful. How can he move on… realize that the woman he married is not the woman she is now and be supportive. It going to be hard, but its not impossible.

  • VzzyScorpio

    Dealing with this right now. It seems with our current generation it is likely to happen that either partner was a film star of some sort along with other experimental things. Forgiveness is divine they say. I see the double standard monster soon rearing its head. Fair enough I have had krypt keeper (Tales) old of course. But when ya girl got the cast of Thriller coming out man….. So politely I am going to dissolve this current relationship. Call it judging but I 'm walking away with a piece of mind.

  • FlyyLibrarian

    "don't keep it from me if you have the AIDS"

    Damn. I thought I was naive.

    You mean to tell me you'd TRUST someone to be forthcoming with a deadly disease when a fifth of the population doesn't even know their status? My suggestion, go get tested together. "Papers" from a week ago don't count either. He/she could have gotten infected 2 days prior! No ma'am!

  • shar

    She should have said something just based on the fact that there were videos. I say forgive her, til death do we part right? Or is it, til the going get's tough and my ego gets bruised?

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    We all have bones in our closets, and I'm sure that's what he was referring to by "I haven’t led a perfect life either, and I have my own skeletons and things that I would never mention." But doing several adult films may be where I have to draw a line. If my woman experimented in the past, and had a threesome or something, I can live with it. Having several threesome on tape, with her bent over, one guy at her head, another guy on the other end, with her in the middle like a piece of rotisserie chicken, for everyone to see? With a money shot? It's hard to come back from that one.

  • InsomniaPoet

    A past is one thing, video vixen is another. I've never much cared to have convos about the past. I just ask my dudes to let me know if I am in the presence of someone they ever messed with. (Don't have no chick having one up on me and I have no clue – i don't even want details – just a heads up) I definitely don't ever volunteer all my past but something this big…you GOTTA TELL. I mean it's like saying I was a prostitute that's required disclosure (and something I couldn't get over). I draw the line at things I find morally wrong & this is on that level. I mean it's one thing to have a yolo-phase it's another to have relations for $ whether recorded or not.

  • Muze

    sigh.

    you know that porn is an almost 100 BILLION dollar industry, right? and you know who are the consumers of a huge chunk of that? men.

    men will encourage, negotiate, and even beg for threesomes, sleep with MAD women (and "groups" of women) before the age of even 30, spend mad money on porn, strippers, sex, etc, have favorite porn stars and want to bring porn sex (which women in porn don't even enjoy, clearly) into a civilian bedroom, worship women like Kim K and Amber Rose…

    … and then condemn a woman for doing porn and all those things they enjoy so much. those things for which their money is the driving force.

    ugh.

    if anything, it's bad that she lied. i can get with that. but i will never understand why men will praise these acts, and then shame a woman in the same breath.

    she should've told him. but i'd be willing to bet that even with her videos, he's probably STILL slept with more women/men and done more egregious sexual acts. so… ijs.
    My recent post too much, too soon?

    • Smilez_920

      True. But, idk 10-20 adult video’s. There could be 5 – 10 guys in each video…she could have been with more ppl than him. Maybe he did something crazy, he admitted to having some dirt. But we can’t act like everyone’s dirt is equal. Maybe in his case their dirt is almost the same. But I can see how he’s having a hard time getting over it. Like that’s stone cold video tape. I don’t think the amount of ppl is even the issue, just the fact that he can run into her past all over the internet.

      Imagine if your man was a chex addict, right before you guys got married he admitted that he needs help and has a problem. He tells you everyone he’s been with, post office worker, grocery store clerk, chick in the mail room, woman at the nail place, etc.. and these are ppl you run into almost every week. Even if you forgive him and want to work on it you will still have a hard time getting over it when the past is always in your face. Or in his case at your fingertips (world wide web.)

      • Muze

        i mean, i get it.

        but um… that happens to a lot of women who are dating a man who is greek, or who has a lot of money, or who is extraordinarily handsome, or tall and super athletic, or popular, or … etc.

        i have friends who can't even attend a party or event in their city without running into a woman their man has been with.

        i'm not excusing her or taking any side. i'm just saying i find it HIGHLY hypocritical for men as a whole to encourage these acts and industries, and then shame women who do them. i just don't get the logic.
        My recent post too much, too soon?

        • FlyyLibrarian

          "then shame women who do them".

          No, women do that. Some men think they have all the great qualities of a companion.

        • BlueSteele

          Now don't start that uproar! lol

        • Graciela

          Did you miss the article? This man is questioning his feelings for his wife of 5 years! It happens on both sides.

        • Graciela

          Directing that question to Flyy Librarian

    • MaggK

      +1!

    • AfterMath

      Its the double standard of living in a male dominated society.
      My recent post Learn About “the Other” Algebra

      • Smilez_920

        It’s not just males that make it hard. It's funny because last week when Amber Rose was on the chopping block, women were like “look how she carries herself" and he married her. But now some are playing empathetic to the ex- p-star.

        If that’s what she did in her past that fine. But past demons have to be dealt with. There are men who marry p-stars. They made their choice. If the past don’t matter then the “husband” being upset even though he has some dirt, shouldn’t matter.

        As human’s we think that our partners will put up with some same amount of dirt we will put up with. He just needs time to process. No different than if she wrote in about finding out her husband use to be an ex rhymes with hay but starts with a g, p-star. Maybe he was 20 got pimped into the industry. Realized he was being used, got out and change his life. Could his wife be upset even if she did a little experimenting in college?

        • AfterMath

          To me, it'd be more of an issue if she were still in that industry. Or if she had an STD from that industry. Those are the types of things that affect me today. Otherwise its kinda in a category of what's in the past is in the past. This is one of the reasons I don't even like to go into our past early in the relationship – because ultimately that question of how many you've been with and everybody's got a range that they deem tolerable and people outside of that range will just get an early exit out of the relationship.
          My recent post Learn About “the Other” Algebra

    • sincereluv4life

      this comment said it all

  • larnelw

    I would be hurt that I had to find out by accident and stumble upon it. I'd have wished she told me upfront but past that the relationship would endure. I'm not without sin so who am I to cast stones. My concern is that she is clean (STD Free) and now dedicated and monogamous to our present relationship. Its her past….we are in the present. Move forwards not back.
    Hell, maybe she and I could make some of our own personal movies if she is down for it.

    I think the writers issue is the fear that his friends might see. Thats probably whats really going on.

  • GirlSixx

    For all we know these tapes could have been made between her and her THEN HUSBAND. (homegrownfilms). It says they have 4 kids from two previous marriages… so I am assuming they each were married before.. *JustAThough*

    It doesn’t say how he came across the videos, he could have found them around the house somewhere not necessarily on the innanets. This could easily be just a case of The Fragile Ego — I don’t think its as serious as he is trying to make it out to be.

    • Graciela

      "This could easily be just a case of The Fragile Ego — I don't think its as serious as he is trying to make it out to be."

      Fragile Ego while hoping that his days of being part of those special "trains" will stay a secret.

  • cynicaloptmst81

    Yeah, I'm not gonna downplay this. This is the past thats still present on a PUBLIC SCALE! I don't think its impossible for them to learn to live with this…for the sake of the children and the marriage that was completely in tact prior to "the unfortunate download", lol. But, we can't trivialize the issue for this man. Mad men have AND ARE STILL GETTING their rocks off to HIS WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HIS WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the stuff you woman up and tell BEFORE "I do" cause it can find you out…as it did. I pray they can work through it. But, I wouldn't demonize the man if he decides he can't.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      Tell me FIRST so I can wrap my mind around the situation, decide my love for you is bigger than the situation, and pointedly decide to proceed knowing all that comes with you. That way, if I'm called to the mat on it, I've got my talking points all lined up, lol. "Yeah, I know…and what?!" Conversation over.

      • MaggK

        EXACTLY, u don't wanna look stupid when people ask you about it, i think that's the worst… But if you know and you cool with it… Well you'll be able to keep your head up!

    • AfterMath

      Men get their "rocks" off to Jet Beauty of the week. We gonna knock a woman for having that in her past too?
      My recent post Learn About “the Other” Algebra

      • cynicaloptmst81

        We?! I'm not knocking anything. I just refuse to treat it like he shouldn't be having any thoughts or feelings about what he found out.

        Please know that I don't see me marrying a former male p*rn star. Or an ex-murder. Or an ex-r@pist. Some stuff you can take…some stuff you can't. Just because it'd be cool with you (or others) doesn't mean he's obligated to carry it the same way. Now he IS married…so he is obligated to TRY and work thru it.

        Honestly, this is her bad for not telling him first. The way she handled it is royally screwing her right about now.

        • AfterMath

          "Now he IS married…so he is obligated to TRY and work thru it. "

          That's my whole point. Ultimately, this is definitely something that I'd like to hear about before we commit to marriage. But if we didn't discuss it (as is the case here), we've got to work through it. So it becomes a question of what should he do now. Yeah, he's likely pissed or annoyed by this situation, but either he mans up and accepts the position he's in, or he says eff the whole thing and calls it quits.

          And more to the point, there's always going to be SOMETHING that you find out about me that you didn't know about me. Shoot, its stuff I don't know about myself. Now if we're in a relationship and you find out about my "business adventures" I tried as a teenager and don't like it and we break up – cool. But if we're married and you find out, what does that mean?
          My recent post Learn About “the Other” Algebra

        • cynicaloptmst81

          And lets remember that some things you find out DRASTICALLY change how you feel overall about a person.

          Double-standard or not, TO ME, what she did speaks to a severe character flaw…and I'm gonna view you differently…which will also have an effect on my feelings for you.

          And although I get the double-standard part, who here ISN'T entertained by things they wouldn't necessarily want to bring into their personal space? Anyone want to really befriend a nutty reality star…although you watch their show? Any ladies here who like male strip clubs good with marrying a male stripper? No? Right. lol

        • Graciela

          But it's like the pot calling the kettle black in this case. Everyone has a threshold on what their ego (and this is all about ego, male or female) can handle. How is it a character flaw if they have outgrown that particular flaw and changed their ways? I could see your point if this woman can't move past this phase and cheats on the dude or just continues making more videos. But it seems to me that the man was perfectly content with his marriage to this woman for 5+ years. Why does a man want to sabotage that because he was not the only dude who slept with his wife?

        • cynicaloptmst81

          Wait. So, we don't look at this as a form of lying? She withheld a secret because she KNEW it would change things. Thats deceptive…and manipulative. And she didn't rat herself out…she was FOUND OUT! So, the tendency to withhold damning information for 10+ years is still there and present.

          Again, I'm not saying they absolutely cannot move past it. But, its gonna take a lot of work. TRUST has been damaged!!!! Its really up to him…and about what he can and can't handle. This is about way more than ego. The way she handled it says plenty bad about her, IMO.

        • Graciela

          But so did the man! he has admitted to keeping secrets from his wife even after the fact that she revealed hers! Let's call it even they BOTH have character flaws then.

          So my question is, who's worse? her for coming out and speaking the truth or him for still keeping his skeletons a secret?

          That takes A LOT of courage to come out to your husband about a past like that, and I could see why she would keep it a secret being how everyone here is judging her already. Most likely her man would've done the same if she said that when they were dating.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          Uh…she did NOT come out and speak the truth…she was found out. Nothing she did in this situation was couragous, I'm sorry.

          And I've got a whole blurb down thread about the difference between buried skeletons and skeletons that can find you out…and because they are different, they must be treated differently. What she did in this case is not just in the past…cause its still pleasuring men all over the world!!!! This is a reality he'll have to live FOREVER! He has to choose to be ok with it…and either choice is understandable to me. I'm sorry but we're just gonna have to agree to disagree.

    • Uncle Hugh, BP

      We can always count on cynical to be the realistic one here.

      I'm reading the comments at some people downplaying the issue, and saying the guy had skeletons in his closet too. But this isn't a minor issue here! She slept with Dwight Howard and I gotta look at his goofy smile every time the Lakers play? OK, I can get over that. She had an oar gee in college during her younger days? I suppose, it was in private and a long time ago. But seriously ladies, if your man told you he was a former (p word that rhymes with corn) star, made at least ten videos that all of your friends and family can see, and you'd really say everyone has secrets and applaud his honesty? You wouldn't feel a little awkward about that? Sorry, you need Lambeau Field on game day full of more people.

      • cynicaloptmst81

        I really try to be dependable, lol.

        "Sorry, you need Lambeau Field on game day full of more people."

        MAN!!!! I mean, I love the Lord too…but come on, now! There's a difference between skeletons chilling in the grave and skeletons doing the Thriller dance on YouTube!!!!!!!! Y'all need to stop! LOL!

        • oh ok…

          Did you say!?
          "There's a difference between skeletons chilling in the grave and skeletons doing the Thriller dance on YouTube!!!!!!!!" *cryinglol***DEAD*

      • BlueSteele

        I'm not trying to trivialize it, this ish smells worse than day-old dog poo, no lie! I'm simply noting the irony and the double standard. *shrug*

        Like I said, at the end of the day I'd have to have an honest conversation with myself and figure out if it was worth chucking the 2s.

      • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

        +1, Hugh. You said it all.

        *exits*

      • Graciela

        I see what you're saying here. My question is, so you're saying because it was on VIDEO (which has the risk of friends and family coming across it) it's now a major issue? Not that she slept with several men?

        This seems to highlight my point that some men can't take the heat when it comes to people's past. Who cares what so and so gotta say about a person's past, if presently that same person is making you happy? So, now the dude is mad because he MIGHT have to answer some questions from people who's opinions don't matter? About a past that has nothing to do with him either? About a wife that he's happy with?????

        • Uncle Hugh, BP

          Graciela: “My question is, so you're saying because it was on VIDEO (which has the risk of friends and family coming across it) it's now a major issue? Not that she slept with several men?”

          It's both. Regarding being on video: we view having $ex in the privacy of one's home differently than exhibitionists at a crowded party doing it on a balcony. It could be awkward that a man's brother knows his wife is a squirter. On the other hand, it is also the group $ex and doing it multiple times (a minimum of ten, on film). One wild night after getting drunk at a college party and getting it on with three dudes when she was 20 is one thing. Doing it multiple times for money with the express intent of other people seeing it is a different matter.

          (1/2)

        • Uncle Hugh, BP

          (2/2)
          “This seems to highlight my point that some men can't take the heat when it comes to people's past.”

          So no matter what a person does in the past, it's all good to you? I gave several examples of things a young lady may have done in her past that may be embarrassing, and may even be an impediment to getting married, and said I'd be fine with it. But come on, there are limits.

          Although you may be trivializing it, even SHE realized it was a big thing. There is a reason she didn't mention it before they were married. There is a reason she "cried harder than (he) had ever seen" when he asked her about it. Now I'm not saying he should end the marriage, but to not see why he’s affected and simply dismiss it as, "oh, it's just the past?" That's not just a skeleton in the closet, that's a full-blown Tyrannosaurus Rex fossil.

          It's all personal preference, but most men aren't going to knowingly going to marry a pron star.

        • Uncle Hugh, BP

          That should be:

          It's all personal preference, but most men aren't going to knowingly going to marry a pron star.

          Edit button, how do I miss thee?

    • SmileZ_920

      +1. @Cyn. You said what i was trying to say.

    • Muze

      i get it. it’d be tough. no man or woman wants to find that out.

      but… like i said… men drive these industries. if all women quit the adult footage industry and all women quit stripping and prostitution bc they want to be wives one day, men would be complaining about that. i just don’t think that’s fair.

      i mean, she’s wrong, clearly. but still.
      My recent post too much, too soon?

      • Smielz_920

        Idk Muze. Think of all the men who can’t get any, or get what they want, how they want from, who they want. The industry creates a fantasy; all you have to do is pay. Remember the industry is optional, you don’t have to participate. (Minus, underage prostitution). Just because we enjoy fantasies, doesn’t mean we want them in our everyday reality. ( Ppl (men) love playing Call of Duty, I'm sure some of those guys would never want to have to pick up a weapon and harm ppl)

        As long as there are woman who won’t participate in the industry, men will always have a choice of who they will or won’t deal with. And as long as women shame other women in the industry, well, you know how that goes. Not saying it's right or wrong. Some things just are.

      • shar

        The problem is women who are in the sex industry are considered sluts and hoes and therefore deemed un-wifeable by society. He's mad because his wife who he thought was pure as snow has a sexual past that most of society deems nasty/lowdown or whatever. Class virgin/whore complex ish. Whatever. Is this worth the marriage or not?

  • Slim Jackson

    ADMIN NOTE: Anybody that types the p word that rhymes with corn will be sent to moderation. If you want your comment to show right away, you'll need to find another way to say it. Otherwise it might end up in purgatory for hours waiting for judgment.
    My recent post slimjackson: Great read -&gt;Want to Grow Fast? Then Slow Down via @Inc <a href="http://t.co/ykgNH272” target=”_blank”>http://t.co/ykgNH272

  • AfterMath

    One question I'd wonder about is how this would affect their day to day lives. I've heard stories of teachers losing their jobs because they appeared in an adult video some years ago. I wonder if this would impact their lives in that way. I'd also wonder about losing friends and what the community would say, but if its bee 5 years and he didn't find out then either he and his friends aren't in to those types of videos (I don't really believe this one) or the video isn't that popular online, which means that its probably not too easily accessible – so it shouldn't have too big of an impact.

    But then again, the fact that he wrote this letter means its probably on his mind, so he may have gone and told the bartender about it, or told one of his close friends and sworn him to secrecy, in which case its probably being talked about by all the guys at the barber shop and at the basketball court, in which case everybody's probably now trying to find this video and see what she looks like and what she can do. So he may have inadvertently caused a lot more attention to be devoted towards the skeleton in his wife's closet.
    My recent post Learn About “the Other” Algebra

  • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

    The politically correct answer is: no matter what happened before we got married, it’s just that, before we got married. Things shouldn’t be held against a person before they get married.

    Now realistically speaking: that’s a tough call. Some men could handle it, some couldn’t. Even the most God-fearing man would need time to navigate those emotions.Granted, there’s the story of Hosea, but how many men could see themselves”redeeming” a wife who did it? Then what about if kids are present? It’s a layered situation.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      EXACTLY!!!!

  • FlyyLibrarian

    Some of y'all black men sleep/have slept with other men and still claim you're straight and will keep that in you're "closet". But because homegirl is on video for all to see……

    I'm asleep…..

    • MaggK

      LMAO *real tears* comedy!

      • BlueSteele

        I just CANNOT with her today, lol

    • SMilez_920

      Lmao… welp

      but trust if this article was about A woman's husband telling her he slept with a "man" back in his experimental days " even" if it was once and he didn’t want to do that anymore and he was the "top" not the catcher,

      There would be no forgiveness. Let's be real, if the wife was mad there would be no "well that's his past".

    • sincereluv4life

      shots fired much? lol

      *waiting in anticipation to see if any men are brave enough to respond to this*

      • FlyyLibrarian

        Nah, the ones that it applies to will just get in their feelings and give the comment a thumbs down.

  • Slim Jackson

    Finding out that boobookins was all over the internet and has been invaded by a deluge of D's would be quite unsettling. I'd be just as distraught as dude who wrote in…cept I wouldn't have wrote in. I would have checked out.
    My recent post slimjackson: ! RT @Addictd2Success: The 6 Different Types Of Procrastinators – Find Your Type & We'll Show You How To Fix It – <a href="http://t.co/8AJcrPbb” target=”_blank”>http://t.co/8AJcrPbb

    • Bree

      Only 2 things can help this situation – God & Really good marital counseling from a Licensed professional marriage counselor.

  • AfterMath

    I wonder if people who are criticizing this woman for keeping secrets and saying how they could't be with somebody who did this….I wonder if yal realize that by saying this kind of stuff, you're kinda encouraging people who want to be with you to lie to you, and hence to keep these things yal disapprove of in their closet, thus making it more likely that you'll be surprised later on.
    My recent post Learn About “the Other” Algebra

    • Smilez_920

      I'm encouraging my partner to tell me the truth before I commit my life to him, because if he waits until after, it will be a challenge. It's called being an adult, I don’t expect you to tell me everything, but some stuff like this, that you know would upset me or possible put a big elephant in the room of relationship, YES you should mention it to me.

      While I have no right to judge you before God, I have a right to judge how your past actions could affect our present future, and can I handle that. She held that secret until after they were married and had kids. That’s a long time. You better tell me the truth before I hear it from someone else.

      I didn’t see too many ppl say he should leave her. I just think ppl are saying “ he has the right to be confused and upset”.

      • Graciela

        But if it's NOT affecting the marriage in any way why does it matter? It's like asking for trouble when there doesn't need to be.

    • FlyyLibrarian

      What I'm gathering from the comments is, it's okay to F like a pron star as long as there is no evidence: pictures, video, communicable diseases, STI/STD, or you don't reside in the area where the chances of running into persons you've had s3x with are bountiful.

      Noted.

      • AfterMath

        nah, its not that cut and dry for me.

        I try not to have these lists of "must haves" and "cannot haves". There's a book by the VerySmartBrothas and they've got a chapter in it about how you're probably not going to get any action if you say you're a garbage man. Some will say you should say "sanitation engineer", but they encourage you to say you're a doctor or a lawyer. Why? Because by the time she finds out you'll have already gotten what you wanted. Even if you don't you're a lot more likely to get it than going forward with the garbage man statement.

        I think the same thing applies here. Sure, some people will say "I have no problem being with an ex adult film star" or "I have no problem being with a man who's experimented with other men" . . . "as long as they're honest about it". But if they experiment and see that they're getting no action (or no relationship success) by being honest, then it makes them more likely to just expose it less, and hence lie more.

        I mean it doesn't even have to deal with "skeletons". Lets talk about "hard core" guys. Most ladies don't want a "nice guy". So what happens? You've got a bunch of guys in "The Park Nightclub" who haven't been in a fight in 30 years acting like they sell drugs for a living – and the ladies love it.
        My recent post Learn About “the Other” Algebra

      • oh ok…

        Seriously, I know dude was thinking, "Ooooh, thats where she learned that from!"

    • InsomniaPoet

      Really? Encouraging lying? That's such a cop out. Maybe if she'd told him beforehand they'd still have gotten married. It might not have been a deal breaker if he'd gotten the info straight from the horse's mouth. But anytime you "find" something out about your SO through the grapevine you are gonna be pissed. You can't have the person you claim to love out here looking like boo boo the fool and think that ish is gonna fly. If I were him I wouldn't even have talked to her about her videos – she'd have come home to an empty house and a copy of 1 of her many videos on my side of the bed instead of me.

      • Smilez_920

        I think it’s less about her even being a p-star ad more about the fact that she hid it for almost 10 years. There are strippers and p-stars who are married or have significant others, so it’s not impossible to have someone over look your past career choices and still want to be with you. The point is she waited until this man kind of had no choice (when your married your suppose to try your hardest to work things out) and now he’s kind of having a hard time dealing with it. He wants to be with her, so that’s not the issue. But like any man or woman dealing with a partner’s indiscretion, he has to find a healthy and reasonable way to move past it. He’s already forgiven , now he has to move past it.

        • shar

          B.S. It's about the fact that she was in the p industry. It's a document that anyone(including his friends) can see at any time. If it came out that she had slept with 10-20 dudes more than he thought she had, I HIGHLY doubt he would be writing in to blogs and ready to leave his marriage. He's mad because his wife used to be a paid h*e.

      • AfterMath

        All I'm saying is that this is a game. We recognize this when we say stuff like "s/he got game". Then why don't we recognize that that's what this is. If I want to be in a relationship and I know I've got skeletons in my closet that will hinder that relationship, the honest thing to do would be to expose those skeletons, but that's not how you get ladies – so I'm more likely to hide those skeletons. Its all a game. And the more you draw lines in the sand, the more you're encouraging yourself to get played by the game.
        My recent post Learn About “the Other” Algebra

  • Truth Be Told

    Classic case of "Who The Bleep Did I Marry?" I don't know man. This is HUGE. HUGE. Yes, some things are best left in the past and you're really not under any obligation to reveal everything in your past to your partner. But being a p-word-that-rhymes-with-corn star, with video evidence that could surface at anytime without your control, is on a WHOLE 'NOTHER LEVEL! How would anyone in their right minds think they could get away with not telling their HUSBAND, (not a quick shag mind you) HUSBAND about something this big?

    As a woman, if my husband found out this about me and decides to leave, I will beg as hell for him to forgive me and stay. But there is no way I would vilify him if he did leave. That husband has every right to feel the way he does. I know I will flip the hell out if I hosted girls' night and while we're watching "videos," a close-up of my husband suddenly fills up the tv screen. Just marinate on that for a minute.

  • dantefiero

    All women do have have past and thats their business.
    Thats just another reason not to marry them or committ to them in my opinion.
    Do not let some woman's dark past dim our bright future
    F**k'em and Duck'em

  • Adonis

    And I avoid those baggage filled women (for serious LTRs) like the plague. There are better men than me out there to wife them up. I don’t care if 90% of the women are like that. They are h0es

    • dantefiero

      co-sign

  • RealL8

    "As a continuation of this point, if we do stay together, I hope you know that everything you did in the video(s) that we haven’t been doing in our own personal love life is now on the table. If you’ve been giving me the “I’m not that type of girl” swindle throughout our relationship and I find out you are definitely that type of girl, I’m going to expect you to rise up and show me what you’re working with. Why should I only get a part of you when there’s clearly another side of you left to explore? It only seems fair."

    So Now I can't escape my past. Hopefully you approach that one properly because nobody wants to feel like they are paying for their sins for therest of their lives