Relationship Advice for Women: Please Consider the Source

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relationship advice for women

Chilling on Twitter, as I so often do, and came across this lovely gem…

@TheCosby: The women need to do this if they want to get a man advice industry is booming …I need to get my gentlemanly hands in some ladies’ purses

The tweet was funny for a number of reasons. A couple days prior to this tweet, I was made aware of an event offering relationship advice for women going on in the northeast. I don’t remember the exact topic of the panel at the event, but it had something to do with what men from women…and they were charging $15 a ticket.

Yes.

$15. A. Ticket.

Between the earlier tweet and this event..I went on a rant (something I also often do on Twitter).

He’s right. Everybody is capitalizing on lonely, low self-esteem women and I’m standing here, broke. All I have to do is make up something fancy and call myself a relationship expert…and I can get PAID. Pimps. Hustlers. Preachers. Relationship experts. All the same thing.

We talk about everybody else exploiting black people for their own financial gain…and talk ill of drug dealers and con artists. We say nada when ya’ll giving up all this money to regular Twitter fools calling themselves relationship experts.

They’re breaking down black women, calling it “uplifting” and charging ya’ll for their services. Women let these men tell them how to find a man. How to keep a man. How to attract a man. How to be a woman. Someone has to explain to me how you let a man tell you how to be a woman. I just learned about tampons two weeks ago. But I bet I can get ya’ll to pay me to tell ya’ll how to find a man if I was moved to do so.

This doesn’t sound dumb to ya’ll? I just be so confused man. Just sitting here in Barnes and Noble wondering where ya’ll all went wrong. Black women under attack and a lot of ya’ll are clearly losing that battle.

A mouthful for sure, so let’s break it down.

“All I have to do is make up something fancy and call myself a relationship expert…and I can get PAID.”

Steve Harvey almost singlehandedly ushered in an era where people without any sort of “legit” foundation/certifications can call themselves “relationship experts.” I happen to believe after his mass success in this arena, people were saying “You know what? If Steve can do it, I can do it too.”

relationship advice for women

Notice the green…

Where I’m from you’re not allowed to call yourself an “expert” unless you had something to prop up that claim. These people are giving advice and can’t show you any training to back up what their talking about…why are we allowing them to call themselves experts?

First, one must question if the advice given with respect to relationships is actually being used to help. I don’t have a problem with blogs whose purpose it is to encourage dialog between men and women. I also don’t have a problem with blogs that are trying to shed some light on the inner workings (not bodily functions) of the sexes.

But some of these blogs and “experts” are preying on the young, black, and lonely. As a side effect, they’re also affecting women who are raised to think men “know better” simply by virtue of them being men. The unyielding repetitiveness with which women hear the narrative of “you are not enough” has caused even some smart and secure women to get caught up in the hype.

The fact of the matter is, a large group of women are being targeted and made to feel unworthy. It’s making said women susceptible to think doing whatever a man says will make them good enough to be “chosen” by a mate.

I’m here to tell you it doesn’t work like that. Self-improvement is fine, but be careful about who you’re receiving this information from. Everybody doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

“I just learned about tampons two weeks ago, but I bet I can get ya’ll to pay me to tell ya’ll how to find a man.”

I said that to say, I don’t know the first thing about being a woman.

I didn’t even know something as simple as appropriate tampon usage…but I’m pretty sure I could convince some women that I have the answers as to why, as women, they haven’t been able to find a man. I need some of you ladies to use your head. Stop taking advice from people who don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.

I just be so confused man. Just sitting here in Barnes and Noble wondering where ya’ll went wrong. Black women under attack and a lot of ya’ll are clearly losing that battle.

I’ve directed an awful lot of attention to the menfolk, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t target the women behind this as well. From my understanding, a lot of the male relationship writers are simply vessels for the people they write for. In other words, they’re writing for people who give them ideas and cut the check. And the people cutting the checks are usually women.

There are a lot of women who are out there peddling this advice when their own credentials turn out to be counterfeit under the light. Broken and bitter women offering “sista-girl” advice to help other women “avoid the same mistakes” they made.

These women are smiling in your face with their hands in your pocket, preying on your insecurities.

Ladies, I ask that you just be mindful and as Jay-Z would say, “Please consider the source.”

The woman, who’s every word you’re hanging onto, may be unqualified to give you their opinion. The road to hell was paved with good intentions, so while some of these men and women “mean well,” you may want to be careful about propping them up to be more knowledgeable than you.

In conclusion, I said all that to say, I love black women and I just want the best for ya’ll. Be wary of false prophets and those claiming to be something they’re not.

You’ll be better for it in the long run.

Peace.

RealGoesRight is a freelance writer, law graduate and lover of all things Jay-Z and Radiohead. He’s just here to write things which he believes will make a difference in the lives of the people who will read it.

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From Our Partners

  • Stanley

    Business is booming!
    This is a market that grows with women's financial growth.

  • Lioness Rising

    It is especially sad when you see women taking advantage of other women. Men say they can tell you everything you need to do to attract a man. Women say they can make you that "It Girl" if you follow their simple steps and pay 5 installments of $29.99.
    smh

  • http://twitter.com/thegoodva @thegoodva

    Yes, yes and yes to this perfect post! It was funny in the beginning, but now these "spam accounts" are all over Twitter, FB, and now making e-books.. and we're falling for it! *sigh* "This can't be life.."

  • Aisha

    *claps* I know about that event & I almost went just to see the BS in person & see how many people really bite the bait. But I mean…that's not worth $15. The biggest culprit of this uses God to get these women to pay $50 a class to learn how to be a wife. It's crazy…I feel like it's another form of emotional control just way more subtle.

  • Smilez_920

    Great post. I had to tell my friend that you can’t take all of these relationship articles / advice to heart or you’ll go crazy. Once I saw twitter entering the ” relationship advice” field, I knew its going to get out of control. Originally women started listening to men about relationships because they wanted to understand men’s actions and thought process, but now the focus has become ( like the author said) men trying to tell women how to be women.

  • http://Twitter.com/1uppitynegress 1uppitynegress

    There are so many sisters who are so desperate to have someone to love them they will do everything I the world to get it.

    My friend who grew up in the house w/her daddy told me “Steve Harvey’s book taught me so much, I can’t believe it.” Again. She grew up in the house with a real live daddy who was actively involved in not just her life, but the lives of all of us who spent time there regularly. I literally stopped talking to her during the entire craze because I couldn’t understand why a woman who had an entire husband for a year prior to the release of that nonsense needed to think like a man.

    I wish (black) women loved themselves enough to know that the person who is there for them will be there for them when the time comes & they’re ready for it. It doesn’t take any gimmicks or hustles to do it.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

      its hilarious how people pay for "real" advice, when they can make real male friends for free
      My recent post Today’s Word is… APPEARANCES

      • Bree

        AMEN Trist.

    • http://Nomoreadvice.com Beautifulsagsister

      Wow. That’s crazy. Smh. I read maybe 13 pages of that book. Someone put it on my desk at work and told me they enjoyed it. I couldn’t get into it. You are pretty much molded by a certain age based on the way you were raised. What could that book possibly teach her. Enlighten ok but teach *sideeye*

    • Smilez_920

      +1 on your last statement . There’s nothing wrong with eating a little advice, but basing your whole love life in what these books , bloggers and people are saying, is a little too much. And yea I think t all boils down to “if someone wants to be there they will be there.”

      But that quote is to simple for some people and most ” relationship experts” know that, so they make money off of ppl who keep asking ” why , huh , what, but” after they’ve gotten a solid answer. Unfortunately one to many women fall into that category .

  • http://Nomoreadvice.com Beautifulsagsister

    I am simply amazed. You have summed up all my thoughts in a nutshell. I often read posts on SBM often. Decided to google singleblackfemale. My findings were books to help find a man. Websites as well as articles as to why black women are the least married. Smh. It’s very disheartening. I came across a few websites that are a sisters guide. Why does it always end up having gossip and ratchet info mixed in with so called uplifting stuff. Smh. I have debunked the myth that its a shortage in men as I have never had any issues with men. I don’t think it’s nothing wrong with people giving insight but to flat out tell a woman how to think and act Im with you , what makes them an expert. Overall some stuff is fun to read but you have to want to better yourself for you not to attain a man.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

    Its funny because they all boil down to the same thing, you're single because your expectations are too high or too low.
    My recent post Today’s Word is… APPEARANCES

  • http://twitter.com/jtSolBroSupreme @jtSolBroSupreme

    Folks have been capitalizing on 'relationship media' looooong before Steve Harvey ever wrote a book. LOL. What do you think mags like Essence, Cosmopolitan have been thriving on…plus makeup, fashion, etc. Ricki Lake talk shows galore. Its nothing new. And I think Steve repeatedly says 'I am not a relationship expert, I just know men, all my friends IS men' but the idea is subconsciously planted with his book and many others 'BUY AND READ THIS BOOK AND YOU WILL BE TRANSFORMED" Heavens to mergatroid…and folks fall for it. Thats why these people are making big money. I'm not mad at them. In marketing its called, 'CREATING A NEED'. Just like someone posted about a woman who grew up with a dad in the house saying AFTER she read Steve's book NOW she understands????? REALLY? So, guess what, IT CONTINUES.

  • Heyheynow

    Yep this is great yep I’m still single as hell and will probably have to settle for the guy who I’m not that attracted to and who still has no job and lives with his mom..but I’m not going to read any articles though -____-

  • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

    A summary of this article: the last few lines of the movie Hitch.

    There are some societal factors, some personal ones, and some financial ones. That being said, a womam’s experiences can be unique to her. Nothing is set in stone for them, as nothing is set in stone for men. Ladies, do what works best (honestly) for you and everything else will take care itself.

  • Bree

    As somebody with a Psych degree I attribute this hunger for advice to these things:
    1. People who can't think for themselves pay someone to think for them.
    2. People who can't effectively problem-solve on their own pay someone to solve their problems for them.
    3. People seeking "quick and easy" answers will go to whatever source advertises quick and easy answers and people pay for "quick and easy" answers.
    4. People who have nobody to go to and guide them and help them out with their life issues so they have to pay somebody to do it.
    I agree it's utterly ridiculous. Even some people who pay for pyschotherapy don't really need it as badly as they think they do.
    I've found in my lifetime most of the questions that people ask, if they use their God-given commonsense they can usually answer their own questions.
    I think people 2nd guess themselves way too much and don't have enough faith in their own knowledge of whats best for them. It's not always a "self-esteem" issue as people so quickly label it. It's simply people not trusting their self knowledge and thinking other sources have better answers and know more.

    • http://www.saving-a-relationship.com Stuart

      I absolutely agree with this …

      1) People who can't think for themselves pay someone to think for them.

      People generally want a magic pill for download. Very rarely will they put in any effort to realise the goal they seek,

      My recent post The Change Curve Model Stage Two : Anger

  • Bree

    A lot of ladies pay for and seek Steve Harvey's advice because they think who better to help them get and keep a man than a man who is in his 50's and older and wiser and knows all about the games men sometimes play and can give them insight into the "why."
    I've listened to Steve's show, never read his books though. I've heard enough about them to know what they're about.
    The times I've heard him give advice on the show it was actually good advice. I've even heard Wendy Williams give good advice on her radio show a few times.
    What gives really concerns me the most is the types of things people seek advice about and the questions they ask. The questions people ask on these shows and the advice that they seek are things they should already know the answer to? Most of it is Common Sense.

  • bree

    Nobody can tell you how your man feels about you? If he loves you, why he doesn't love you or like you, or if he's cheating on you or not, and if he is why. Your in the relationship with him you should know. If you don't you should take the necessary steps to figure it out. If you wanna know what the person your in a relationship is thinking and what they want and/or don't want the "common sense" thing to do is simply Ask Them. It always worked for me…..ijs.
    The Audrey Chapman show is the same. But at least Audrey Chapman is a Dr. and licensed psychologist. Still though, even in therapy sessions that I've sat in on and interviewed therapist about, the issues many people bring to therapist are things people can work out on their own if they put more time and energy into it.
    My advice to people is to become more Independent Thinkers and learn to solve their own problems without so much outside influence.

  • Bree

    Seeking advice and/or insight from time to time from other people is fine. But it shouldn't be all the time. In the end you have to make the final decisions regarding your life. Part of maturation is being able to make those decisions on your own and believe in them and being confident in them once you've made them.
    If you make mistakes it's ok and Not the end of the world. You learn from them and keep on keepin on. Having regrets just means your not perfect and you've made mistakes. None of us is perfect and we all make mistakes.
    So for the women who constantly seek this type of advice, I wish them much more confidence in their decision making, and using their heads more than their hearts.

  • Stephen

    Some industries should collectively be called the Insecurity Industry. The cosmetics (not pretty enough), anti-aging (not young enough), diet (not thin enough), and relationship (not desirable enough) industries all focus much more on women than men, with both women and men as the perpetrators. Unfortunately they aren’t going away anytime soon. Fear drives them and fear trumps common sense in all but the strongest minds. Too bad today’s generation isn’t as mentally strong as their predecessors were. They may know more information but they seem to have far less ability to use it wisely.

  • http://www.petersburgh.wordpress.com petersburgh

    Cosign. Insight is one thing. Only real experts should give advice

  • Pingback: The #1 MISTAKE Vulnerable Women Make is TRUSTING Their Male "FRIENDS" |

  • hlbb

    Funny. Years ago, when "He's Just Not That Into You" came out, I rolled my eyes.
    One of my girls rolled her eyes and called it" White girl issues"…
    Imagine my surprise when she asked me if I had read Harvey's book.

    Same BS, different colour.

  • http://ebonynewschannel.info ENC

    There are "interracialist" black females taking advantage of the lonely single black female propaganda as well. They are selling books on "swirling" and how to basically get "any man but a black man" while they faithfully trash and bash black males and the black "community" in general. Some of them have gone so far as to write books and charge memberships for White men to learn how to "get swag" to attract black females. It's sad that the females following them don't realize that they are also being used for profit. They are so busy focused on the supposed "profitability" they THINK will come from "bedding and marrying white" that they don't see it.

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    The only legit website which I believe give raw true info that lets you decide for itself is black girls are easy

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