War On Men: Should Women Avoid Dating an Older Man?

  • Share on Tumblr

SBM Logo

SBM always welcomes reader questions, comments, and feedback. Check out our SBM Mail series here for past submissions and you can submit your own questions using the Contact Us page. Today’s reader ask:

Good evening,

I’ve been an avid reader of your site for a while now.  I have a question that has been discussed among my circle of friends lately and was interested in getting an opinion from the writers of the site.  So, I’ve always been into older men, 6+ years my senior to be precise.  I’ve just turned 27 and have been dating men well into their late 30s and the common consensus from people in my environment is if a man is 35-42 years of age, hasn’t been married nor has kids, and is single, it must equate to something being wrong with him or he’s seriously damaged emotionally.  The question that I’d like to ask is if you all find this assumption to be true as well?

~ MatureInquisition

older black man younger woman

In my opinion, a single man 35 – 42 years of age who hasn’t been married nor has kids is no more likely to have something wrong with him or be seriously damaged than any other person of any other age. I’ve heard this theory before, from both men and women. The popular theory goes that if a man or woman reaches a certain age, let’s call this “age X,” and he or she hasn’t achieved some string of arbitrary goals established by society and/or their social circle, then something is automatically wrong with this person.

I’ll admit that age does have a way of increasing “the baggage” one collects; however, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. For example, the innocence (or ignorance) you may gain or benefit from by dating a younger man (or woman) might not make up for the maturity (or experience) you might gain or benefit from dating an older man (or woman). It’s not an inverse relationship, but there are sacrifices you’ll make either way when dating someone younger or older than yourself. Further, his history is more important than his age. For instance, is he a serial dater, commitment phobe, or has he simply not met “the one”? Is he even looking for someone? Has he prioritized career or other pursuits over relationships or children? Regardless of age, problems will arise within your relationship. What will really dictate the success or failure of a relationship is not how ignorant or damaged a person is when you meet them, it’s how willing you are (or are not) to grow and work through problems together.

There are a few additional flaws with strictly age-based assumptions I’d like to cover:

1. Everyone is marrying later and increasingly, not marrying at all. Recently, another SBM reader shared an opinion piece with me about The War on Men. While I know it does well, I try to avoid blaming one sex for the pitfalls of the opposite sex. In my observations, the ailments of men and women are usually a plight of both having shortcomings rather than one’s blatant fault, but when it comes to relationship issues involving a battle of the sexes admitting, “we both share blame” doesn’t do as well as “it’s all your fault.” Still, I bring up this piece because the author does share an interesting study:

According to Pew Research Center, the share of women ages eighteen to thirty-four that say having a successful marriage is one of the most important things in their lives rose nine percentage points since 1997 – from 28 percent to 37 percent. For men, the opposite occurred. The share voicing this opinion dropped, from 35 percent to 29 percent.

Believe it or not, modern women want to get married. Trouble is, men don’t.

I’ve written a similar piece on this subject, 7 Reasons Why Black Men Marry Later (not to assume or imply that you exclusively date black men). Nevertheless, an increasing number of men of all races are marrying later in life or choosing not to marry at all. This leads me to my next two points.

2. Not everyone progresses on the same timeline. Assuming having children and getting married is even on the man’s radar; most men (and women) are accomplishing  these goals later in life. A chart showing when men and women of all races are marrying is located here.

What confuses me about the assumption of your friends – and the many people who share the same theory – is the fact that it punishes people for prioritizing the right accomplishments in their life. Let me get this straight, a person progresses through life without having children out of wedlock and who chooses to either prioritize finding love over getting married by a certain age or whom realizes that they do not want to marry at all, and people think there is something wrong with this person, because they reached a certain age that other people – who are not them mind you – feel they should be married with kids?

Ok.

3. Not everyone has the same life goals. As we have often suggested here at SBM, the main take-a-way from many of these men versus women debates is not men versus women at all. Instead, people should date people whose life goals align. I see nothing wrong with a man or woman not achieving some list of arbitrary goals they never set for themselves by a certain age, because other people they don’t know and likely don’t care about believe they should. Assigning blame or finger pointing at people whose own life goals simply don’t align with your own seems fairly pointless. Regardless of the number of years they’ve lived on Earth, if getting married and having children are goals you prioritize, among others, then you should both clearly convey and make sure that the person you are dating has those same goals in mind.

WIM SigDo you use age to determine if a man/woman you’re considering dating might have too much baggage? What age or age gap do you use? Are you more cautious about dating older men/women than yourself? Why do you think an increasing number of men are waiting later to marry or not marrying at all?

  • Share on Tumblr

From Our Partners

  • Paul B.

    Age? No, i use what i pick up on from a woman in conversation. I’ve met some great younger women ans I’ve met some great older women, just like I’ve met some jacked up younger and older women too. It is foolish to base their suitability or lack thereof solely or primarily off of age just as it is foolish to base their maturity off of it as well. Maturity is not based on age, but perspective. I understand that not everybody starts off at the same point in life, and everybody has a past, but it’s another matter to be willingly stuck there and to expect me to be held hostage by it. I have my own monsters to slay; I can’t deal with mine and deal with theirs while they simply spectate. And when you’ve been around long enough, you can tell who wants to be/do better and who doesn’t. The latter gets left.

  • http://www.facebook.com/anthonybrianlogan Anthony Brian Logan

    I think older men is what alot of women out here need. Lack of father growing up, they look for guidance, leadership and most importantly a father figure. Plus they want somebody with established money. They dont understand how to build with a man their age into that, they want to already have a good life set up. Or what appears to be that. Alot of time that's their only serious option.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      That’s essentially the easy way out. #Olddigging

    • SMilez_920

      I'm sorry but I would not date an older man who thinks I need or am in search of a father figure. This is one of the reasons people tell women between 18-23 to be carefully about the older men (5 plus yrs) they deal with. If a man wants’ to be someone’s 'father figure" be a mentor or have a kid, but that mentality sounds like one of an old man trying to control a younger "naive" women.

      • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

        Well, the fact is that I run into a lot of women, both younger than myself and older than myself, that look to me as a father figure. Those women were simply needing structure and discipline in their life … things they would get from a true father in their life growing up. Women that are intimidated of men in general will usually come out with the controlling line before they even get to know a person.

        • oh ok…

          "Those women were simply needing structure and discipline in their life … "
          Im sorry sir, BUT did you say DISCIPLINE?
          Ummmmmmm….no.
          Take that outta here…#wannabepimpnamedslickback

        • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

          Is there something wrong with discipline? I don't quite understand your comment.

        • oh ok…

          For you to say that about a grown woman…yes there is!
          Look I know there are some wayward people out there, but a woman is not looking for a older man for discipline…at least in my opinion.
          A relationship instead should be a partnership, and not a father/daughter type thing (gross).

        • BlueSteele

          You instill discipline into a child, your child to be exact. It seems like you've been dealing with women who couldn't stand on their own two feet sir! I grew up without a father and seek out plenty of things in a man, discipline sure isn't one of them!

  • http://www.lcsflyers.com Anthony Brian Logan

    As a 28 year old man, I won't deal with a woman older than myself. Because her biological clock at this point is a countdown and its about to run out. I want to have a family so it needs to be with somebody younger than myself. Plus older women are more stuck in their ways so there is really no use for me outside of money and sex, which I can give to any random chicken head in the street not my wife

    • FlyyLibrarian

      "I want to have a family so it needs to be with someone younger than myself." So you're going to be that "father figure" that "a lot of women out here need"?

      Thank you for stepping up to the plate. Bless you.

      • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

        Not necessarily. I just want a woman that is maybe about 3-5 years younger than myself. So from the time we start dating to the time we get married, she will still be young enough to have more than one child and have the child under safe circumstances.

        • Larry

          Lol! Trying to figure out why this particular comment is getting the thumbs down, lolol.

        • JasMaTazz

          You ever heard of the show Millionaire's Club? He sounds like an ageist and controlling….

  • oh ok…

    I had a friend that told me his response when "cougars" try to talk to him, "I date w/in my generation."
    I pretty much used his words whenever I was approached by older men.
    Followed by "Thats ok sweetie…don't need a 401K check!"
    I don't get the whole dating older people thing…I guess to each his/her own *shrugs*

    • FlyyLibrarian

      Lmao @ "I date w/in my generation." Rude and funny at the same time! I like!

      • oh ok…

        Ha! Never thought of that as rude, but yea I guess ur right!
        Im always thinking "Why are you talking to me sir?" LBVS!

      • Bree

        damn sure is Librarian…lol
        Give him points for honesty, even though it's blunt.

  • http://twitter.com/Attracioncom @Attracioncom

    No – try http://www.thirdagedating.com – the best dating site on the planet for mature men and women.

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    "According to Pew Research Center, the share of women ages eighteen to thirty-four that say having a successful marriage is one of the most important things in their lives rose nine percentage points since 1997 – from 28 percent to 37 percent. For men, the opposite occurred. The share voicing this opinion dropped, from 35 percent to 29 percent.

    Believe it or not, modern women want to get married. Trouble is, men don’t."

    So the percentage of young women that say a successful marriage is one of the most important things in their lives increased from a little over a fourth to a little over a third? Based on those stats, they can't conclude modern women want to get married. They don't even demonstrate that MOST modern women want to get married.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    for the most part older men/women are trying to recapture What’s lost. Older women, the Fun they missed because they married young/chased career. Older men, that sexy, loyal woman they were probably too immature to keep, didn’t have the status to commend the respect he desired. As a 24 year old man, I hope to find someone around my own age to build a life with. The average 18-19 year old girl really wouldn’t know what to do with me, the late 30s-early 40s woman knows she doesn’t have much to offer but stress free sex and an ego boost. In essence, I’m providing all the benefits without much in return.

    • Bree

      so Tristan do u want someone the same age as you or only 1 or 2 years older or younger?

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

        I think max is 30…or she’d have to be really something special, youngest 22

        • Bree

          oh ok. U do know there are 40 yr olds having babies, (not that I would do it) lol. But I personally know women who are 40 or close to 40 and had babies. Nowadays it's pretty common.

    • Krisi

      Wowww…Where are the young men like this in my town? Maybe I'm living in a wasteland…lol It's like if a young woman wants something serious, the man she's dating has to be damn near 30 because these young bucks around town 22-26 years old are either playing games or rapping! lol

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    "Do you use age to determine if a man/woman you’re considering dating might have too much baggage?"

    At my age it's the opposite. Generally speaking, even thinking about dating someone 24 years old or younger makes my head hurt. I need someone with a little more life experience. Call it baggage if you like.

    "Are you more cautious about dating older men/women than yourself?"

    Not really. I had a relationship with someone a decade older than I was when I was 24. It was her personality and maturity much more than the age. I've met mature 22-year olds, and ratchet 35-year olds.

    "Why do you think an increasing number of men are waiting later to marry or not marrying at all?"

    A general shift in society's perspective on marriage, $ex, gender roles, the workplace, etc. The answer would require its own post.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      "Generally speaking, even thinking about dating someone 24 years old or younger makes my head hurt."

      LMBO!

      I just get sleepy…

      • Uncle Hugh, BP

        cynicaloptmst81: "I just get sleepy…"

        That's just what us old people do!

        • cynicaloptmst81

          Which reminds me…

          The real reason I don't want to date a 39/40+ year old is because it reminds me of how dangerously close to 40 I'm getting! I know thats the dumbest reason ever but…whatevs, lol. Its real and I'm just not ready yet, lol. I still remember when I thought 40 was OLD!!!!!!! Now, its just 8 yrs away… *looks out into the distance…blinks out a single tear*

        • BlueSteele

          "Generally speaking, even thinking about dating someone 24 years old or younger makes my head hurt."

          Hell I am 24 and the thought of it is exhausting! I just can't hang with people in my peer group, won't even lie.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    As for why men aren’t marrying for starters they have live in girlfriends bearing heirs. Then there’s the ones who actually want to live right but want to establish themselves first. Career, house, actually be able to plan a family, of course things don’t always happen that way but as a young man isn’t it in your better interest to shoot for it.

    • oh ok…

      "Then there's the ones who actually want to live right but want to establish themselves first."
      @Tristan
      Its funny you say that! I think alot of BM have stuff confused…its not the majority, but whatever…They think to get $$$ and stuff b4 marriage (I think thats just an excuse but thats me!). On the other hand, WM usually get wife and kids earlier while establishing themselves. This is not ALL BM, but the idea to just work, and wait for marriage is either a "send off" OR just them covering up something else…IMO

      • Peter Parker

        Yeah I have to agree with Tristan. As a man, I was raised to lead my household and family. With that being said, it is much harder out here these days to accomplish this without an education or a set of skills in which a HS Diploma is not suffice. No one wants to wait for marriage, but you have so many superficial women out here that want everything on their time and now, they don't want to wait. Can we really date if I am in school full time, working part time, and doing a full time internship? No, because the amount of time required to give a woman is not sufficient, so why entertain the idea? It's like after 30 days of dating, you want to jump in relationship. What's up with that?

        • Smilez_920

          I actually noticed (at least being in a corporate setting) that a lot my WH counterparts get married in their late to earlier 30's. By then most have finished school, moved on from their entry level position and have established a little bit of something for themselves. Honestly most people in their mid 20’s are trying to get to the stage above.

          Being married takes a lot of spiritual and mental holiness. You have to have a certain sense of self before you run down the isle. Yes people grow and change, and in marriage you’ll have to work on that. But 21-28 for most that is the time in life when you really start to discover who you are and create your own life and identity, for a lot of men being a husband is something that they want to be just not so early in the process. Honestly in this day and age I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a man or woman waiting until their late 20’s or earlier 30’s to get married.

        • oh ok…

          Ok I agree w/ that!

        • AfterMath

          " But 21-28 for most that is the time in life when you really start to discover who you are and create your own life and identity"

          Funny, I've heard that about just about every time period in life – especially the stages in life I've already lived through.
          My recent post Fraction Arithmetic

      • Bree

        oh ok, money has always been easy to come by for white people. White people have always been and still are the wealthiest race as far as money, assets, and power go.
        I think part of it is the mentality of black people of never ever really having much of anything. Always being at the bottom of the barrel. Always having to settle for scraps and white mans hand-me-downs. Never having half the wealth and power that white people have. Even today, in much of Corporate America, the black person who is a VP making the most money of all the other minorities usually still isn't making as much as the white people who are VP's, CEO's and CFO's.

        • Bree

          The first Property Management firm I worked for when I moved to MD had 1 black female PM. I saw people's paychecks and pay history. This woman made less than all the other white PM's. Only an Indian woman who just started made a little less than her. When I asked her about it, she said they told her it was because she had no degree and had only worked there 6 years. The VP's of Prop Management were always white men. There were 2 women who were Leasing Agents, one white and one black. They did the same thing, and had an equal number of properties they handled that were split between them. The white woman made more than the black woman. The black woman had a BA, the white woman was older and had no degree. However, the white woman made more than the black woman, supposedly because the white woman worked with the company longer and had more experience.

        • Bree

          Point is it seems like black men are trying to make it in corporate america and make a name for themselves. They're trying to attain the wealth that white men have always had, and never had to work half as hard as black men for. This wealth was given to white men for being white. Our brotha's have had to work their fingers to the bone with blood, sweat and tears, and go through hell and high water just to get a small slice of the "american pie." So it makes sense that black men are more focused and passionate about attaining all the things they were never able to attain and doing better financially and in their careers than their grandfathers and fathers since they now have more opportunities than the men generations before them. Many brotha's are focused on making money, making a name for themselves and getting educated and doing whatever they gotta do to make the money they've always felt they deserved.

        • Bree

          Thats what i get from the brotha's I talk to. Also men know that to be good providers they will need to make a lotta money. This seems to be why they are so focused on making as much money as possible. Ladies, we can be costly. ijs.
          So in that respect I understand why many brotha's priority is making money Before, marriage and children. Plus most folks don't want to struggle when they first get married and think about having kids. Thats hard and not a cakewalk.

        • Bree

          As for white men and just white families in general, whites typically have more familial financial support than we do. White people can afford to buy their kids new cars when they turn 16, pay for their college education, pay their rent when they graduate, get them an apartment or buy them a house when they first get married and pay for their wedding and honeymoon. Many black folks just don't have the finances and resources to do that. I read an article many years ago that said one of the reasons why more black people than white people in long-term relationships delayed marriage for so long is because black people couldn't afford to have the weddings that they want. White people can afford to have nice big weddings, or even destination weddings, so they were more likely to get married more quickly than black people. I personally know a black couples who were engaged for years because they couldn't afford the wedding. My cousin had a nice big wedding that she paid for with inheritance money. By the time she paid for the wedding, she could only spend a weekend in the Pocono's for her honeymoon.

        • Peter Parker

          "Plus most folks don't want to struggle when they first get married and think about having kids. Thats hard and not a cakewalk. "

          Amen, Co-sign to this!!!! A female that understands.

      • AfterMath

        I don't think its one thing or the other. Many people (BM and WM in particular) would love to get married at 25 and have their careers and all that still going and have the house and kids by 30. Unfortunately, **** happens. We can't always predict life's surprises. We also can't predict who's gonna like us and how many times we'll fall into and out of love. So establishing that career route is an attempt at gaining control over one part of life that's primarily our control, whereas the relationship thingie is all about finding a partner.
        My recent post Fraction Arithmetic

        • Peter Parker

          Very good point.

    • http://twitter.com/Ishtar_79 @Ishtar_79

      I think this line of thinking is why even when blacks get married their wealth is far less than that of their white counterparts. The only real evidence I have of this is at my job. None of my black co-workers with MBAs. JDs, etc. are married, but damn near all of my white, Latino, and Asian co-workers are. Seems like my non-black co-workers take the approach of pooling resources and building a foundation together. It's especially interesting when I think about the backgrounds of the people I work with and how they're pretty much starting from the same points regardless of ethnicity (Ivy League/Top tier graduates, six figure debt from graduate school…). My non-black co-workers stay sending out invites announcing new borns, house warming parties, business ventures, and anything that points to be established. Seems like that blacks around here stay trying to establish something.

      • Peter Parker

        Interesting viewpoints. I wonder how much of the pooling of resources is related to generational wealth or assitance that the non-blacks may have compared to blacks. I think that idea of pooling resources together is definitely grand.

  • cynicaloptmst81

    First, you fellas in your 20's do know that when a women hits 30…or even 40…that her uterus doesn't automatically explode or start shooting out three-eyed alien babies, right?! I mean…the way some of you talk and all…I felt the need to clear that up, smh. And, most women start having the baby itch when the ladies in their circle (close friends/fam) start having babies…as do many men.

    Do you use age to determine if a man/woman you’re considering dating might have too much baggage? – For me, it has nothing to do with baggage as much as I'd like to delay the appearance of old balls, LMBO! Smh…

    What age or age gap do you use? – I'll be 32 this year…and my cap is 38…which is a stretch, lol.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      Are you more cautious about dating older men/women than yourself? – I'm not any more cautious about dating men that are too old for me than I am men that are too young for me. At the end of the day, I just want to be with someone that I can relate to, talk to, and vibe with easily.

      Why do you think an increasing number of men are waiting later to marry or not marrying at all? – I blame women. And I'm sure that sounds harsh. But, women overall just offer and do way too much without being married. So, men really have no reason to get married. They get everything they need in life without it!

      • SMilez_920

        Cyn… You always come in the clutch to set teh record staright..lol granted most women dont want to start having kids in their late 30's or 40's,it's not like we turn 30 and all of a sudden all hope is lost.

        Your last point. There’s some truth there. I’ve even see it in dating. A lot of women tend to just give and give, trying to prove that their “wifey smh material” and never really take the time too make sure their receiving what their putting out, and if what their receiving is worth it, until they’ve invested way too much. I also think some women act like wives towards men they want to be their husbands, before they even have a real honest and open conversation to see if their even in the running to be their wife.

        One thing I admire about the women in my grand mothers dating era, is that they didn’t have a problem making a man prove himself before she gave up some benefits.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          I try, I try, lol.

          Now, I know some of the grams n'em was giving it up, lol. But, unlike us, they were still living at HOME! They weren't 18-25, unmarried, living alone making good money…which is very real today. So, they couldn't cook for the man like that at Mama's house…or get it in on the regular. In order to really play wife or woman of the house, they needed their own…cause you bet NOT get caught up in Mama's house like that and y'all def ain't shackin in here, LOL. So, they had to get married and move in together in order to live comfortably…shacking was NOT socially acceptable. Marriage was an expectation and a standard back then…good or bad…right or wrong.

        • Smilez_920

          True.. True.. Well I guess with great power (own money, own house/apt) comes great responsibility. I'm sure some of those women probably ran off and got married just to get out of their parents house. (Even woman who live at home now play house when they stay at their bf place lol.)

          O trust I know peoples grandmas where out here giving it up filthy, but I just feel like more women back then live by the pay to play motto. (pay isn’t always equal to monetary value, I just think they used the bartering system to their advantage a little more)

        • cynicaloptmst81

          LOL @ giving it up filthy.

          Not my Grandma's though…they've always been sweet angels! LOL!

          Agreed!

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

      lol appearance of old balls

    • amaris79

      What's even funnier is the risk for abnormalities or learning disabilities increases with the age of the father's SPERM, not the age of the womb. #ButImPacquiao

  • Bree

    "Instead, people should date people whose life goals align." <<<<THIS>>>>>>
    I've been saying this for as long as I can remember and it's worked pretty well for me so I don't understand whats so difficult about that for other folks.
    At any rate – Do you use age to determine if a man/woman you’re considering dating might have too much baggage? Hell no. Thats just senseless.
    What age or age gap do you use? I don't use one. The last thing I base compatibility on is age. I've personally known many very young people under 30 and 25 who were much more mature than folks I knew over 35 and 40. I was very mature and cooked, cleaned and was a latchkey kid at home by myself as a teenager. Started having to stay home alone at 13 yrs old. At 18 I was mature enough to take care of my grandfather who had bone cancer and go to community college full time. In the words of the late great Aaliyah "Age ain't nothin but a number." (sometimes anyway).

  • Bree

    I will say that men and women do need to be mindful of age and life experiences in one aspect. Typically older people who have been married and have children may not want to remarry, may be slow to remarry and/or have children. My dad's last wife was over 10 yrs younger than him and wanted kids, he didn't cause he already had me and my brother from 2 previous marriages. She did so she made it happen. My dad wasn't happy. I warned him about her, but he didn't listen. By the same token when older people date younger people they need to realize that they may be more anxious and hurried to have kids and get married. If anything from what I've seen regardless of the age many people who are divorced with kids are much slower to want to remarry and have more kids. They always say – "been there, done that, not in a big hurry to do it again." They do still want to date and want companionship though.

  • Bree

    Are you more cautious about dating older men/women than yourself? Not so much cautious, just always make sure we want the same things. I date like-minded men and don't waste my time with men who don't want the same things I do.
    Why do you think an increasing number of men are waiting later to marry or not marrying at all? Cause they don't want to get married. Reasons vary per individual. I will say every person is entitled to feel how they feel and make their own life choices as adults.

  • Bree

    WIM I wholeheartedly agree with all your commentary on this subject.
    Regardless of age, the key is not wasting your time with people who don't want the same things you want, and not trying to force "square pegs into round holes."
    If people would focus their energy and attention on the people who want what they want, they would have much more success and be more satisfied in their relationships. Stop trying to get what you want from people who don't want the same thing. I admit, in my youth I was notorious for this myself until I learned from experiences. The chemistry may not be as great, the people who your most compatible with may not be as exciting and look as good, but you gotta compromise on some things and realize what should be most impnt to you in a mate. Sometimes it's worth it to be practical and sensible.

  • KitKatCuty84

    I tend to agree with the last of the three reasons given. I used to date older men (up to 16 years older), and generally speaking, if a man was in his mid-thirties and beyond and still single, with no kids, and living in a bachelor pad, it wasn't because something was wrong with him, but often because he didn't value relationships/marriage/kids in the same way I did. There was no sense of urgency with this man, if he even wanted these things at all. Given that I DID want those things, with a fairly strong sense of urgency, I guess something was "wrong" with that man, meaning that he was the wrong man FOR ME. But he's the right guy for someone, even if that someone is just HIMSELF.

    • oh ok…

      "But he's the right guy for someone, even if that someone is just HIMSELF."
      WELP…Therein lies the TRUTH!

  • Larry

    "Let me get this straight, a person progresses through life without having children out of wedlock and who chooses to either prioritize finding love over getting married by a certain age or whom realizes that they do not want to marry at all, and people think there is something wrong with this person, because they reached a certain age that other people – who are not them mind you – feel they should be married with kids?"

    Man, I think I got asked twice in the last week what was "wrong" with me…and I'm not even mid- 30's yet! (I'm getting close, doe, lolol)

    • Peter Parker

      Larry,

      Who you telling bro. That seems to be a topic thrown at me atleast once a month. Like really tho?? lol

    • Bree

      Larry there is actually nothing "wrong" with you or anyone like you, male or female. What society sees as "wrong" is that your not following the societal norm. Your normal, just not society normal.

      • Larry

        Really? There isn't?? You promise?? Lol! Nah, j/k…I know I'm fine, but thanks for the reassurance. I just find that question being posed to me every now and again comical.

    • AfterMath

      I actually had one of my bosses come to me at a holiday party giving me a lecture about how I need to get married soon because I don't want to be 70 when my kid is 20. Ignoring the fact that that gives me about another 20 years, it just made for an awkward conversation with my boss that I really didn't want to be a part of.
      My recent post Fraction Arithmetic

  • bellatrice1

    I tend to vibe more with older men, even in my early 20s, I have dated men 14 years my senior. I also feel that I have an old soul. I don't date older men as a strategic move to get married. That's just who I attract and whom I am attracted to. Now, I am reticent to date younger men because, now my goal is marriage and most men my age aren't there yet. But, I slipped and dated a guy a couple years younger who swore he was ready, but then later determined he was not.

    As a connoisseur of older men, I have found that the majority of the ones I dated who didn't have kids and had never been married were commitment phobes and perpetual bachelors, as even to this day (years later) most of them are in their early 40s and still single. Smh
    My recent post Memo to HR: You Still Don't Know Me

  • Beef Bacon

    I am married to an older man. When I met him, I could not tell how much older he was because he was fine. I just say be open to someone you mesh well with as long as you both are legal. There are always things you have to consider when being in any relationship; with an older man, the things are just different.

    The misconception that age means maturity, security, etc. are a bit naive. It is best to just communicate and get to know the man, whatever the age. There are pros and cons to dating anyone of any age, therefore your duty is to figure out what pros and con you are willing to accept. The rest will fall into place.

    What you eventually choose may or may not come in the package you thought. Many people miss out on great mates by checking off some superficial list. Simply because people change over time and the person you meet today could be totally different in five years.

    • Bree

      Cosign Beef Bacon.

  • Mr. SD

    Cant mess wit the young chicks (26 and younger). Need me a grown azz woman. A chick that understands the significance of A Tribe Called Quest….lol She needs to know all the words to Lodi Dodi and then maybe I'll give her a shot..lol

    • Lioness Rising

      lmao at all this 26/24 and younger shade. We don't want you old men anyway!

      • Mr. SD

        lol Yes yall do because the 24-25 yr old dudes are a hott mess….we know, we were them once..lol

      • Uncle Hugh, BP

        Lioness Rising: "lmao at all this 26/24 and younger shade. We don't want you old men anyway!"

        Why would it be "shade" because a person would prefer to date, as oh ok's friend said, in our generation? It's a two-way street. You don't want to feel like you're dating your dad, and I don't want to feel like I'm dating my daughter. It's a mutual understanding (or at least I thought).

        I'm also not sure who "we" is, because I get approached by 20-25 year olds all the time. It probably doesn't help that I look like I'm in that age bracket myself, but still.

        • Lioness Rising

          I was just joking..
          Like Mr.SD said these 23-25 yos are crazy. I’ll take 27 plus plese and thank you!

        • Uncle Hugh, BP

          You know us old people like to argue!

  • amaris79

    I don't necessarily use age, but I want a man that is looking for the same things I am during the dating process (as in, are you looking for a commitment in the future? Are you testing waters? Are you 'having fun' during a life transition and just enjoying company?) AND has identified and is working toward their career path (unlike women, if he cannot see where he's going in his life, he cannot see the place you fall within it.) More often, "older" men have both, or are at least willing to communicate as to whether they do or don't. Does that mean they are my preference? Not particularly. I'm pretty open.

  • morganthewriter

    I think that older men are a good thing for a woman to have, and this is coming from a 21-year-old.

    Most older men are more financially stable than younger men are, and one thing that women look for is security. An older man would be better at providing for a woman that someone around my age would be. I don't necessarily mean buy her purses and shoes, I mean take care of her in the event of an emergency.

    Also, most older men have seen more in life, interacted with a wider assortment of people … their worlds are just much larger than younger men. I would assume that a woman would love a man who'd be able to offer her many different perspectives and stimulate her mind.

    I'm somewhat mature for my age, and I know some things about Black History, and that might be good, but I still think a man who has done more traveling, more interactions with people, and is more financially stable would be a better mate than I would.

    Which is why I'm focusing on my academics and writing. I think most younger men need to wait before they start dating, get some life experience, and learn more about themselves.

    Just my thoughts, though.
    My recent post Popped a Molly, I’m Sweatin.’ Woo!

    • Bree

      I agree Morgan that really young men fresh out of highschool to 25 need to wait a while. They need to prepare themselves mentally, spiritually, financially, and emotionally for the huge undertaking and responsibilities of long-term committed relationships, marriage, and children. It's a whole lot to handle and can be very overwhelming if your not ready.

  • MuffyCrosswire

    I prefer men that are 32+. I just can’t with the twenty somethings.

  • http://twitter.com/CandaceyD @CandaceyD

    I'm 24 and i tend to date men older. Maturity and how you handle your life is what i use to judge. Some guys 15 years older than me are less mature than guys my age. So really, it depends.

  • BlueSteele

    I generally date in a range of 6-10 years older. For me it's about common interests and goals, stage in life, maturity and financial/professional position. I think the closer I get to thirty, and once I pass thirty, I'll want someone closer to my age, just because we'll likely be on the same page and I'll still be attracted to them. (At this point there are very few fellas over 40 that'll get the come get it face.) Young guys just aren't, and never have been, my cup of tea. If, however, I meet a twenty-something who thinks a great Saturday night involves Chicago steppin, is a fan of the words marriage and baby, can't imagine clubbing on a weekly basis and is in the same tax bracket as me…I'd consider it.

    • Southerngyrl_

      Did you say you were 24? I wish I had been that mature at 24.

      • BlueSteele

        It came at a price, I grew up WAY too fast.

        • Southerngyrl*

          Understood.

  • Southerngyrl_

    I am 31, but I will not look past age 41 in terms of dating. My last serious dating situation was with a guy who was four years younger. Honestly, it was a great relationship except for the fact he was still maturing. I am sure he probably does not think so, but it is the truth. We had a conversation about deal breakers, and I was very honest. I want to get married and have kids one day. He waited until later (months after the deal breaker conversation) to tell me that he was not sure if he wanted to have kids. Seriously? This is why I am a little gun shy about the young guy thing. I need someone who knows their mind and knows what they want. All older guys do not fit the bill, but I think I may have a better chance with them.

    I won't say I will never date a younger guy again, but just like BlueSteele said above, it is definitely about finding common interests and values.