5 Things We Can Look Forward To With KimYe’s Love Child

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I received several text messages and tweets about a week ago when it was announced that Kanye West got Kim Kardashian pregnant. Everybody thought I was distraught, in tears, or somewhere reenacting the way I felt when the Niners lost last year’s NFC Championship game. I was actually celebrating. I was happy for them and excited to say the least. I immediately thought of the best name for the baby: Pineapple Express. You see, there’s a quote from the movie, Pineapple Express, that I always remember. It comes from the scene where Saul is trying to explain what Pineapple Express is to Dale:

“This is like if that Blue Oyster sh*t met that Afghan Kush I had – and they had a baby. And then, meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two babies met and f***ed – this would be the sh*t that they birthed.”

How else could the child of two of my favorite people be described? I’ve always been a big Kanye West fan — second only to Lil’ Wayne, who I think is the best rapper in the game right now. It’s also no secret around these parts that I absolutely adore Kim Kardashian. Even though I think she’s the antichrist or at least an alien. I mean, there’s just no other way to explain it. Most people talk about how she’s famous because of a home movie. I can tell you at least ten other celebrities who have a sextape, but don’t have $60 million. Everything that woman touches turns to gold. It’s like she couldn’t make a bad decision if she tried.

Whether you care or do not care for Kimmy and Kanye,  there are a few things to note about this wonderful love child:

1. Kanye is a [negro].

People flipped out because he called Kimmy Cakes his “Baby Mama.” I read an article about how that was somehow contributing to the demise of Black Love in America. All I could think was, “Baa daaa daa daa aa, that’s how the f*** you sound…” Listen, Kanye is like an E! True Hollyhood Story. He had a hustle that would get him some chicks, he got with a bunch of chicks, found the baddest one on the block and he got her pregnant. Tell me that isn’t what hood stories are made of? I know I’d watch that DVD in the barbershop. By the way, because Kris Humphries wanted to be a [negro], Kanye gets to be an ultra-[negro] because unless Kris signs divorce papers, that baby ain’t Ye’s.

2. The baby is probably going to be the flyest dressed baby on the planet.

Blue Ivy still ain’t got a pair of shoes and she’s almost a year old now, damn shame they do that baby like that. KimYe’s Pineapple Express is going to revolutionize the term, Custom Sneakers. You might have thought Burberry Air Force Ones was the bomb but you aint ready for this. I’m expecting no less than Louis Vuitton booties and a Birkin diaper bag.

3. Kourtney and Khloe might be excited to be aunties, but they won’t be excited to babysit.

Do we know two people who do more crying, whining and throwing temper tantrums than Kanye and Kim? Nope, not anyone. What’s it called when a baby won’t stop crying? Colic? Something like that. I don’t have kids, that I’m aware of, so I wouldn’t know.

That baby is going to cry like it’s got all the Wolfgang Puck custom-made Gerbers stuck in its tummy. Just you wait until that baby gets in a room with Blue Ivy. It’s going to reach down into the depths of its soul to make sure that the spotlight is ALWAYS on him or her. “I’m real happy for you Blue and I’m going to let you finish, but I’m the cutest baby of all time.” #shrug

4. Are the Kardashians not the poster children for interracial dating?

I’ve always said that the reason that more Black women don’t like the Kardashians or watch the show is because all they do is steal Black men away. Khloe got Lamar, Kim has Kanye, Kourtney has Scotty… (oh don’t front, you know that Scotty is nothing short of a negro 24-7) and Kris has Bruce. If Michael was Black and then white, then Bruce was white and then Black. That dude needs to leave the tanning salon alone.

5. For the fifth point, I’d like to present a blend of potential outcomes that would make us fall out like the Fat Boys.

  1. Kim and Kanye break up before the birth of the baby, and Kim tries to find another Black man to date her while she’s pregnant. That seems like something that could never happen, but there’s a bunch of Black men out here right now taking care of a baby that ain’t theirs. At least this would be an honest route.
  2. The baby grows up to have no artistic talent whatsoever. Knowing that this typically only happens to one type of Black man… a football player… he tries football and is a standout athlete. He then has to make a decision on whether to go to USC or UCLA.
  3. A tabloid magazine secures photos from the paparazzi in France, which shows Beyonce passing on the business card of the surrogate she used to create Blue Ivy. Let’s be real, they’re trying hard as hell to give Kimmy a baby bump and her belly ain’t budging. I also speak for all when I say we are watching her body’s situation and progress closely. If she doesn’t use a surrogate, this may be the last time we see this version of Kimmy Cakes before it gets layered.

That’s all I got. At the end of the day, if this situation doesn’t work out, they could always just say the kid was Shawty Lo’s and walk away from the situation. In all seriousness, I don’t wish any ill will on KimYe. I am really excited about this and even more excited about the fact that we’re already three months in. Take that down, you know how celebrities have a tendency to carry a child for 10-12 months. Lastly, I’m really excited to see Kimmy and her preggo pictures. I just spent the better part of the last six months in love with Amber and her baby bump. If there’s anyone who can outdo that in my book, it’s Kim.

Take it easy, y’all. I’m going back to the search for Amber Rose. I’ll holler.

- Dr. J

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  • sensesocommon

    "KimYe"<~ love it!
    A "KimYe" strand of DNA <~ so gangsta… love it!

    I think they will be alright. They are so far out of your typical "norm" that Hollywood is always expecting… or maybe they do- I mean we are talking about Kanye and Kim, geez, lol!

    Considering the type of figure that Kim has, I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't start showing until her last trimester. Everyone wants a woman to look like a big ass rolly polly walking down the street once they become preggo. Believe me, I've been there twice, even if you carry your weight beautifully (just as Amber does) there is nothing all that great about someone stealing your food when there is nowhere for you to hide LOL!!

    Congrats to Kanye and Kim!

  • *Yoles*

    i am happy for them… a baby is a blessing.. a wanted baby is a bigger blessing… they are not doing anything that we haven't seen before… pls i know ppl who's mama stole someone's husband or who had a baby by another man while still married… i don't even care about that… i just hope this child will be loved, well taken care of and have a family… kim needs something to do, kanye needs a family (RIP Dr. West)… let them have this.. live, laugh, love… blessed be!!!!!

    • Bree

      I'm not surprised cause Kim has said she wanted a baby for a long time. I hope she'll be a better mom than Snooki….ijs.

      • WAChick

        A better mom than Snooki? There is no evidence that Snooki is a bad mom, so I'm not sure what you're trying to insinuate here. o_O

        • Bree

          WAChick Snooki is cool and entertaining. But to be raising a baby and trying to get married and be real real grown forreal. She's mad young and wild and immature and a crybaby and acts like a child many times herself. I've seen some previews of her show and how she acts since being pregnant and having her baby. I can't see where she's changed much of her ways. __I remember the preview of her in her usual video chick/club attire screaming out of the window of the car/limo "I'm a mom." too funny.

      • MaggK

        Lmao @ Snooki! Bree too far ahahahahaha

  • WAChick

    You lost me after proclaiming Lil Wayne as the best rapper alive. But, that's an argument for a different day and of course, it's your opinion.

    But, congrats to the couple. I actually think they look good/happy together. I wouldn't be surprised if they got married… after she's divorced, of course.

  • MaggK

    Yeah that Lil Wayne comment lost me too but whatever…

    This–> "Blue Ivy still ain’t got a pair of shoes and she’s almost a year old now, damn shame they do that baby like that"

    LMAO… I can't with you Doc .. *real tears*

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

    I'ma leave the Wayne comment alone but i also am happy for Ye. Let him get his mini power couple on, given his status he was pretty much had to go after Rihanna (who would've ate him alive) or Kim.
    My recent post Today’s Word is… CATFISH

  • Tacha

    This is the fifth time I've heard someone say, "Kanye *got* her pregnant." What the hell is up with that? Are women innocent bystanders in the whole process? I'm thinking, at 30 something, Kim was probably just as complicit in the act…

    • Dr. J

      Simple semantics, but there was no point in this article that sought to argue complicity.

  • larnelw

    "He had a hustle that would get him some chicks, he got with a bunch of chicks, found the baddest one on the block and he got her pregnant."

    Kim K the baddest on the block??? I think you are too much of a fan. She isn't the baddest on any list of celebrities; A-listers, B-listers or reality chick no-listers. Disagree with that "everything turns to gold" thing too.

    But as far as their child is concerned, I wish them and that child the best. Hope everything works out for them.

    • Bree

      Cosign Larne. I think Kanyeezy was trying to do some Jay-Z type ish (marrying and having a baby with Beyonce) as he always seems to be doin.
      Jay got the baddest on the block. Kim K is pretty, but ummmmm what else can she do? ijs.
      I give much props to all the beautiful ladies and gents always. But I give much respect to the talented ones that are more than just eye-candy. You looking good requires nothing on your part. Folks should be giving props to your peoples that made you.

    • Dr. J

      If you peep all the chicks that Kanye dated over time most of them looked like Kim. In his book, that's the baddest one. If that's not how you think, you can't fault him for that. That point was also in a point about a man finding the figurative "baddest chick on the block" and getting her pregnant. We not here today to decipher on who is the best on the block in terms of celebrities.

      • Bree

        True that….if she's "thee best" to him then it's all good.

  • Bree

    you cool as a fan Doc J. But if Kim K and Kanyeezy are 2 of your fav celebs that says a lot about you….smh.

    • Dr. J

      Doesn't really say much about me. But i'd be interested in hearing what you think that says about you to make you shake your head.

      Actually, I don't. See you tomorrow Bree.

      • Bree

        It says your the type of person who likes people like Kanyeezy and Kim K.
        Like it would say a lot about a person who likes Hitler. But then it's not like you idolize them so maybe it doesn't say a lot, but it does say something.

        • Larry

          O_o Holy extremisms Batman!

        • Bree

          lol…

  • CMP

    IDK…. I say if Kim can do nothing and still be a millionaire. Props are due.

    • Dr. J

      She does a lot though… I don't know why people think she does nothing.

      • Larry

        Yeah, very common misconception. For some odd reason people think she just lays around her house and does nothing.

  • Bree

    Doc J please enlighten us on what Kim K does besides model, photo shoots, appearances, all in all "go places get made up and look pretty." Ok she's done some movies but she's not a good actress.
    DASH was started by and is her 2 younger sisters baby – Kloe & Kourtney, not Kim.
    Beyonce is more than "just another pretty face." She can sing, she can act, she's smarter than a 5th grader, and she can write & produce because she has written and produced some of the music on The Writings On The Wall as well as her own albums.

    • WAChick

      But, you kinda just described what she does though–for one, she models, like you said. She makes appearances–that's another job. She actually gets paid for these things. I'm not a big fan, but I mean, she does do something. I think you're blinded by HOW she got famous.

      • Bree

        WAChick, she does things but they aren't really things of significance.
        Even the Real Housewives of Atlanta Chick that Kenya Moore is hatin on does more than Kim K.
        She's carrying on her grandfathers legacy by continuing the charity events started by him and hosting charity events to raise funds for his charity. Kim K is a print ad model, not a runway travel the world model. She gets paid for her looks basically. All she does is show up and get made up and they take pics. Like I said she's cool. But I see more actual talent in her sisters than I do her.
        To me it takes nothing to look good if you have natural beauty and she does. I give more props to people who do more than just look good. Your good looks can only carry you but so far for so long.
        At least she's smart enough to latch onto men who can carry her and support her financially.

        • Graciela

          I have personally worked with the Kardashian family in the fashion business on their lines. Let me tell you this: they RAKE IN THAT MONEY. So, Kim really doesn't need to latch on any man for financial support. She might not have Grammy winning talents, but she does have a business sense that I admire. And her mother is even SHARPER in the business department than Kim.

          Many people including her former best friend Paris put out a chex tape and have NOT reached the levels of financial success like Kim and her family. That's something to be said for. I do not knock anybody's hustle when it is clearly evident that the hustle is making them money hand over fist. And so what if she promotes goods, parties, etc and is not a scientist, or a Grammy award winning singer? She's not killing anyone, selling drugs, or doing anything illegal.

          The fact that she can put out a chex tape, and not have much in the talent department and still rake in that kind of money while watching everyone else try the same tactic and FAIL? No wonder Kanye got her pregnant.

          And Kim, not only has her money, she got her little "street cred" too. Blessings to both of them. They both seem to really love each other or at the very least are happy with one another. Mozel tov.

  • MaggK

    Lmao i love convo about Kim… Let's just hope the child wont end up like the "the devastasted Man in the USA" after watching his/her mom sextape…. :D

    • Bree

      I know right MaggK. As crazy as Kanye is, I think he'll be an alright dad.
      Kim could accidentally drop the baby trying to check her makeup in the mirror….lol

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