How One Man Became Jaded: The Final Chapter

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jaded men

I won.

Click here to check out the rest of the series. 

When I started this series, I was worried that by writing it I would come off as an innocent bystander who had no fault in how things progressed and ultimately ended. I definitely shouldered my fair share of deceitfulness, stubbornness and spitefulness. I didn’t include those things because that’s not what made a jaded man. In fact, I would go as far to say that most of the things that I left out that played into the demise of my relationship were reactionary. I now know that that’s no way to maintain a relationship of any kind. Two wrongs never add up to a right. As much angst that I endured, I’m glad for one thing.

I learned what bullshit not to put up with from a woman. If I were a woman, I would be given the cliché advice that I would have to kiss a few frogs to find my prince. No one thinks about the effect of a really bad experience can have on a man. Before that relationship, I was still naïve and wet behind the ears when it came to dealing with women. I learned that all women aren’t innocent and they are capable of manipulating and cheating. Not because they aren’t getting enough attention or because they don’t feel connected to the person they are with. Just like men can stray just because they want to and have the opportunity.

At the end of the last post, I said that was the end of things with Stacey, but I wasn’t entirely truthful. As with most matters of the heart, clean breaks rarely occur. That summer after going back and forth a couple of times with what accounted to nothing more than throwback sex and arguing, she out of the blue asked me “Why is it that some people in your fraternity won’t date a woman if she previously dated someone in the same fraternity?” Knowing our history I should have known how loaded that question was but given our status I told myself I didn’t care.

Eventually we drifted further and further apart until we eventually stopped talking all together. I would eventually see her around campus since her laboratory was in a different building. I was pretty sure she was dating other people as I definitely was taking advantage of my newfound singleness. Nashville isn’t that big of a city and it’s even smaller when you only take into account young black professionals. Eventually I found out that she was dating one of my frat brothers who had moved to the Nashville area whom I had known before I moved there. When I found out, I was so indifferent to the news that I might as well have been reading it in a newspaper about a complete stranger. That’s when I knew I was truly over her. One of our classmates keeps me updated with (unsolicited) updates on her life. She told me that Stacey was engaged (and I’m assuming she’s now married) to my frat brother. I guess most would say she won.

As I said earlier in this post, I learned what not to accept from a woman in regards to my own happiness and pride, but I also learned what I actually wanted in a woman. While I still did what a lot of jaded men do (read: be a man whore and in turn hurt other women), I knew what it was I wanted in a woman. My story is far from over, but I’ve found happier times. Today I truly believe I have found what I’ve been looking for. Everything that I know I don’t want in a woman she doesn’t exude. Everything that I discovered I’ve desired in a woman including honesty, loyalty, and sensitivity, I’ve found in her. I’m finally genuinely happy and I can see myself being happy with her for a long time. In the end, I won. I’ve realized that I wasn’t really naïve or wet behind the ears. I loved a woman and when you truly love a person you open yourself up to be hurt. It’s the risk you take when you trust someone with your heart. If you can make one heap of all your [feelings], And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings… I’m older and wiser, but I’m right back where I was before. The difference is I understand that it’s all about the chances you take.

Thanks for reading how I became a jaded man who is no longer jaded. Fin.

Tunde

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  • KuiN

    *Slow clap* Was worth the wait.

    "If you can make one heap of all your [feelings], And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings…"
    That sentence embodies what your story has been to me – getting back in there – a resilience of sorts because in the end you knew what you wanted, but more importantly, what you didn't want. And that's important.

    This story works with ladies too. I saw bits of me in you. And that defining moment when you decide what you will and won't take in a significant other should be frozen in time. Didn't take a physical slap for me (thankfully) but it was a 'slap into reality' nonetheless.

    Glad you found her Tunde. And thanks for sharing your story.

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      you're welcome. yes i think that was the most important lesson learned. what i will and won't put up with.
      My recent post The War on Christianity

  • Nonametoday

    What a story. Reminds me of myself. I'll fall in love again someday. Right now, I'm focused on my career and becoming a better person.
    Got to a point where I started to believe decent human beings have become extinct.

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      "Right now, I'm focused on my career and becoming a better person."

      and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. actually i recommend everyone go through this.
      My recent post The War on Christianity

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    I’m in the same boat you were….crushed by the reality that love doesn’t conquer all Cory and Topanga made it look it easy yo, that ladies is pimps too go n brush ya shoulders off. What followed was a play or get played mantra, apologies to dating market for the scorn women I unleashed on the world. I’m still learning more about what I want (by experiencing what I dont), I wouldn’t say I’m jaded but I’m far less naive

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      "What followed was a play or get played mantra, apologies to dating market for the scorn women I unleashed on the world."

      i think a lot of men fall into this mindset and don't confront why they behave the way they do. it usually gets played off as i'm a man, so i'm going to do what men do. no, you're hurt. deal with that.
      My recent post The War on Christianity

    • Nina Lovehall

      lol @ Cory and Topanga

  • TmD

    Good stuff! As a man…I can actually relate to a lot of your story.

  • Constance

    Great series :)

  • cynicaloptmst81

    Yeah, the process to get to 'the one' sucks. You just have to stay optimistic and hope that in the end, when you actually do find 'the one', it'll be worth the journey.

    Congrats on your happiness…and clear perspective of the past. :-)

    Enjoyed the series a lot…

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      thank you. :)
      My recent post The War on Christianity

    • Larry

      Sorry I couldn't answer you a few posts ago on this series about how I knew the outcome or what have you, but didn't want to give it away, lol! . Tunde actually has all of these already posted on his own personal blog site and I had read them around Thanksgiving. I figured if I would have spilled the beans then many readers here would have just went to his site and read all six w/o waiting for them to be released here. What's the fun in that!? lol.

      And besides, I wasn't about to let y'all off the hook and let you not go through what I did when I was waiting for the next installment when it originally posted,, lol.

      • cynicaloptmst81

        WOOOOOOOW, LMBO!

        SoooOoooOooo messed up, Larry! SMH! LOL!

      • Bree

        Dang Larry….I admire & Respect your restraint with holding on to that "secret." Much Props

      • MaggK

        lmao Larry! He actually never hide the fact that it was on his website… I wanted to read it there, but i just said to myself be patient, and i was actually asking myself, how come nobody is reading it on his site? why is he taking all that time to put the rest it's already written? lol

        • Larry

          Correct…but he never promoted or blatantly advertised it was over there either, as evidenced by the majority of the people that followed the series here, lol. Kudos to you for being patient….I woulda been had read all the parts if I was in your situation, lol.

  • Bree

    Great great series Tunde. What happened to you happens to everyone on Gods green earth that falls in love. Sometimes love hurts. It's not always rosey, not always a picnic in the park and everyday is not gonna be sunshine & clear blue skies. The reality is, sometimes the very ones you love the most can hurt you the worst. It's life and it sucks, but usually it makes us stronger and hopefully we learn valuable lessons from it, as you did.
    Well this is a good one to pass on to your children and grandchildren as they grow up into young adults.

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      yep, i've learned that as long as the good far outweighs the bad then its worth fighting for.

  • Bree

    True that Tunde. Keep this up. You've probably knowingly, and unknowingly helped out many a man and maybe lady that has went through a similar situation. Sharing is caring….*smile*

  • Wern

    Great series.

  • Wern

    That was like the damn trapped in the closet series lmao

  • Streetz

    eff these hoes Tunde you straight #SupportiveMaleFriendSayings

    LOL seriously, good job!

  • InsomniaPoet

    I knew you weren't done w/ that Stacey after she put her hands on you! lol j/k glad you've found happiness! be blessed!

  • Slim Jackson

    Glad to have this series on the site. Great work sir.
    My recent post Things You Should Know for an Interview

  • http://twitter.com/SecretSweetLady @SecretSweetLady

    well it was interesting!

  • http://twitter.com/cynthialanel @cynthialanel

    wonder if Stacey's husband knows how she was in college. also, that question she asked about why don't dudes date their friends exes….hurt MY feelings and she didn't even ask me the question. I mean to be with someone who just doesn't give a darn toot nanny like that. But I guess we all have to go through that so we learn how we want to be treated in the future.

  • Peter Parker

    Good post Tunde. The journey we all must take to find that special one. Some good and bad turns along the way, but when that day comes, it definitely makes it that much more sweeter.

  • MicCheck12

    Great post! In the end I feel sorry for Stacey. It sounds like she never took the time to deal with her past issues and probably passed it on to another good guy. Not only did she have you jaded but probably passed it on as well. I've seen women like this before…..the bitter types sometimes raised by single mothers or women who or bitter and don't know how to treat or respect a man (not all, just some). Women like this don't deserve good men.

    From her comment about dating frat brothers she probably didn't tell her fiance about you at all or at least until he was already attached. I think she probably knew in the end they wouldn't have lasted if she did.

    I respect your journey and am empowered by the story. Now, I'm waiting on the movie.

    • Tunde

      lol i need to shop the movie rights.

      but yes she didn't tell him until it was too late. or so i've heard.
      My recent post The War on Christianity

    • namak

      Lol, i was actually thinking the same to myself "This would make a great movie!" while going through the whole series.

  • MaggK

    Very happy that you found yourself someone you love and who loves you back… I love happy ending :D!

  • cbrantley15

    Bravo Tunde…
    I applaud you… Stay true to yourself… I guess maybe one day I will come out of my jadedness when GOD see fit to place a woman in from me that I can truly say makes me happy to my likings… Until then I will enjoy my life hanging out with and raising my daughter… Although I am now over the woman that truly broke my heart, I am just as happy spending a great deal of me time with myself…

    After a failed marriage and then a truly loving relationship that went south due to circumstances beyond my control, I have learned to look within and not from the outside… I am almost finish with my book on "Black men and our heartaches Pain" which is truly a rewarding piece of work that I can say really gave me some insight on all of my relationships and of those I have interviewed for my book…

    Your story gave me even more inspiration… Thanks for sharing…

    I am truly happy for you my brother… Stay up…

  • DBoySlim

    I love the reference to “IF”. Epic poem.

  • namak

    I have to say that i had to re-read the first four parts of the series again just to get the feel of it back, since i'd stopped following last year. This is good writing, i was so into the story that when i eventually finished reading i was surprised to realise that im sitting in my office at work. Glad it worked out in the end and you eventually found what you were looking for.

    I think most people have one or two girls/guys that hurt them but its necessary because you learn about yourself and what you want from the person you date or eventually end up with. I had a girlfriend i believed i truly loved and she played me also. After that i had a string of flings and i know i also hurt quite a few women along the way. But now i can safely say i've found true happiness and it was because of those other relationships that i am confident now.

  • BlueSteele

    I started a new job that I actually like so I've been ghost lately. That said I'm just reading your last installment and I must say, great job! Despite my griping, it was actually worth the wait.

    • MaggK

      (I WAS SO WONDERING WHERE U WERE :o)!