Why Men Lie When They Could Easily Tell the Truth

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A few Saturdays ago, some coworkers and I were having a discussion. It was a few men and women of varying ages. The subject turned to “why men lie so much.” Now, I’m not the guy to get into this discussion heavily on most days. This Saturday wasn’t a usual day though. I asked two seemingly simple, but loaded questions in response:

“Why do women say ‘just tell me the truth’ from jump?”

“When a man does tell y’all the truth, why do you get upset?”

I should’ve worn my body armor before the answers started flying. Through it all though, I never really got an answer other than some form of “because men ain’t sh*t” or “men are liars.” Suffice it to say, no meaningful discourse became of the conversation, as stereotypes, cliches, and jokes took over. It bothered me because I really wanted to know. So after most of the group dissipated, I asked the lone remaining lady there the questions again. Once she got past her personal feelings about men, she gave me two generally (chick) logical answers.

To my first question, she said (paraphrased), “We (women) want to know a man’s intentions from the beginning, or at least within the first few conversations.” To the second she answered, “it depends on the circumstances.” I let her slide on her first response, at least initially, because I had to think about that one more. On her second answer, I needed clarification. She informed me that the circumstances depended on question one. And here is where she started losing me.

For us (men) to be forthright with a woman would mean divulging what we want from them at the outset of meeting, exchanging information, etc. I know I am not the only man who has fallen for the setup of “If a guy only wants sex, then he should say so, because hell, that could be all I want too.” In my Dusk (pre-Darrk days), I was honest about it. I was doing what women said they wanted, or so I thought. Well, this level of bluntness usually had the opposite effect on the women I applied it with. Not only did I not G.T.D., but I was called all manner of trifling and dog. Needless to say I was confused. As I got older, I found that that level of honesty was presented the wrong way.

How I approached it was deemed disrespectful. I couldn’t be so blunt and expect to acquire what I was after. Learning nuances was key. So I changed my approach, while still maintaining honesty, and things changed. My muse for that moment told me I had learned a valuable lesson that other men should, and it’s an old one: “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” I still had to understand her reasoning for her second answer though.

This was compounded off the first answer, and my understanding of it. There was another part of it though. She told me about the difference between a man telling relative truth versus absolute truth.

Relative truth, for most purposes, is intertwined with telling someone what they want to hear. It could probably be called “little white lies,” but that doesn’t sound nice. The classic example of this is if a woman were to ask a man how something looks on her, or how her cooking tastes. His answer is based on factors such as what he gets out the deal, and how much peace he may or may not lose. It’s relative to HIS perception of the situation. So he’ll give an answer that preserves his peace…for now.

But, we’re men. It’s probable that the question will come up again and our answers change. Or she’ll wear the outfit we don’t particularly care for, or cook a dish we don’t like again. Now that relative truth is consistently present, even if the relativity of it has changed. We’ve given our version of a peacekeeping truth, when deep down we know it’s a load of crap.

Time marches on for a few weeks, or months and a disagreement arises between ol’ boy and his girl. He starts spitting his true feelings about her food or wardrobe. All of a sudden, the issue that caused the initial disagreement is forgotten because the absolute truth has been revealed. So while he wants to focus on the issue at hand, she’s more concerned about the bullshiggity he’s been giving her. If the absolute had been shared in the beginning, there might have been some hurt feelings, but at least he’d have been forthright. Now, she’s wondering if she can trust anything he’s said.

There are two takeaways I got from this discussion: 1) Even if it may cause some hurt feelings initially, men should just be upfront when asked how they feel about something. It’ll save us stress later. 2) Women need the truth from us for self-preservation. There are some savages out here. Plus, if we can be upfront about what we want, it cuts the bs for us and them. We’ll seem confident and assured of ourselves. It’s a win-win for everybody.

Darrk Gable

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  • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

    The short answer is that men lie because women want us to lie.

    The long answer is that men have to lie in some sort of way in order to deal with women .. whether it be a large lie, or small lie, or white lie. You put on a dress and you look like a busted can of biscuits and you ask me how you look in it. You have the dress on and looking me square in the eyes. I know if I say you look like the Michelin Man in bondage, you liable to bust out crying and kick me out the bed for a minute. Now if i offer up a lie and say you look great, you will feel better about yourself because you were probably just fishing for a compliment to feel better about yourself in the too small dress. But if you found out that I was lying later you might do some complaining. Now if I found some type of middle ground in between that and offered another dress that I like you in better, in a way thats smooth as silk … you will eat it up and never be upset about it ever. The latter is what pimps… and eventually preachers do.

    Those type of guys prey on women's emotion in a way that makes the women feel like he isn't.

    Then you have the situations where I tell you a lie to simply protect your feelings. If I got robbed at gunpoint, they took everything I had on me… I might offer up a lie as to why my coat is gone, just so you won't get worried for no reason.

    I say all that to say this. At a certain point every man has to lie to women. Whether it be big or small. The problem come when men lie for the benefit of self or to protect/save their own self rather than the woman/family.

    • Bree

      Anthony nobody has to lie. You like to get what you want with little to no effort and after effects of stress.
      You want what you want, regardless of what you have to do to get it. You like because you can't handle whatever the consequences of the truth may be. That is childish and cowardly.
      If you didn't do stuff to even warrant a lie in the first place, you would have nothing to worry about. ijs.

      • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

        You describing the actions of a materialistic selfish and foolish man who would have the same characteristics of the woman he with who he keep lying to for those reasons. There are a lot of men out there like that and there are alot of women out there who are natural companions to these men.

        I never had to lie to get what I want. I'm not cut from a coward cloth. I'm not into all that cheating manipulating game playing or anything else. I'm 28 and I've never cheated on a woman. I'm a straight up dude and a stand up guy. That don't mean I've never lied to a woman in order to preserve her mental and emotional state. Not about something that i did that I dont want her to know, something that I want to hide from her to protect myself, or anything of that nature.

        • Sweetmack

          Damn Anthony, 28 and never cheated on a woman! When I was your age I was running wild. I hit everything that walked or crawled at one time or another. I wanna say….. you lying, but instead I wanna know how you did that? That's almost impossible for the average 20 something year old dude to have one woman and not cheat.

        • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

          Well I was running wild I say from high school on up to about 23/24 but I was keeping it real with the women I was with. Never took advantage of a woman, never mooched, never drove her car or none of that stuff that might make her think we in a relationship. So yeah I might have had two or three girlfriends at a time but everybody knew what time it was. I was just being social not playing myself thinking I'm ready to be with one girl.

        • Bree

          Anthony what made you a psychological expert on what to do and/or not do to preserve her mental and emotional state? Not to mention you don't know if men before and/or after "lied to preserve that womans emotional state." So what makes you feel the need to do that?
          Did any of these women ask you to "lie to preserve her mental and emotional state."
          Not all women are as emotionally fragile as China. Unless maybe those are the "types" of women you date, and they need you to lie or "kiss their azz" a little to appease them.
          I get where your coming from about lying to a woman so as not to hurt her feelings or negatively affect her self esteem.
          But thats like doing your kids homework for them. In the long run you do more harm than good.
          I still stand by my original point. You don't have to lie to anybody. You can tell the truth, shame the devil and let the chips fall where they may. I'm a firm believer in "Tough Love."

        • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

          I never said anything about being a psychological expert on anything. I'm just giving you my point of view and my opinion based on my personal life experiences. You have the right to disagree with it if you like. I don't have to be asked to do what i know to be the right thing to do. All women I've come across have been somewhat emotionally fragile even the big burly masculine types that be on scared straight (LOL)

          All jokes aside, lying aint about appeasing them its about protecting them at least from my point of view. Like i said in another comment, at a certain point you got to tell the cold truth … but its a time and place for everything.

        • Bree

          I agree it's a time, place and manner in which you tell the truth. It's called tact.
          The point is that you tell the truth and keep it all the way real.
          My other point is how do you know it's right for them? What are you basing this rightness off of? What makes you so sure it's right for them? What if a woman gets angry and upset for you for "lying to her in order to preserve her mental and emotional state." What if she wants to know the whole truth all the time. What if she wants to know if she looks fat in her dress. What if she wants to know if she looks bad in certain outfits, what if she wants you to tell her if she's not smelling too fresh or whatever. Would you be able to do that? I'm just curious what do you think your protecting women from by lying to them? And what makes you feel so strongly that every woman needs protection from it?

        • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

          You don't always get everything that you want. That's life. I fully explained my stance already and I'll leave it at that.

        • Bree

          And you don't always know whats right and wrong for someone else.
          You may think you know, but we are all individuals .So what may be right for you, may not be right for someone else and vice versa.
          When people make the mistake of lying by ommission and/or otherwise in order to protect the person they are lying to, they actually end up doing more harm than good. I'm speaking from a psychological perspective. Your intentions may be good, but your actually hurting the person more than you are helping them.
          Just something to be mindful of.

    • JasMaTazz

      Another scenario, the woman just really wanted you to tell her she looks dumb cus she thought she looked dumb and you both laugh about it. Guess that's all about the type of girl you're attracted to tho…

      • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

        sound like a set up to me

    • Miyako

      Of course you begin your comment by making women responsible for YOUR behavior. SMH.

      • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

        Women not responsible for it because it's my choice to do what is necessary or don't. Don't be mad, it's all good.

  • MissLia

    “When a man does tell y’all the truth, why do you get upset?”

    If you asked someone to tell you the truth and it was negative, don't you think you would have a reaction? Outside of blatant disrespect, everyone is entitled to react however they see fit. If a woman asks your opinion and she doesn't like what you have to say, that's her problem. Let her react. If you spoke the truth with love, you've done your job to the best of your abilities and she'll eventually see that you meant no harm. But a "peace keeping" truth is nothing more than a selfish attempt to spare yourself, not her. I'm more likely to overreact if I find out he's lying after he had an opportunity to tell the truth. Especially if he's lying about something stupid or insignificant. If someone can lie about something small, who knows what else they'd be willing to lie about.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      Your comment saved me time this morning, lol.

      COSIGN!!!!!

    • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

      Yes everyone is entitled to their responses. However, the severity of the response can play a part in how a man handles that next time when it arises. Especially if when the man, or in fairness, a woman is trying to help their s/o and the responses are over the top, and what is being said in love is seen as attacking.

    • Bree

      Cosign MissLia.

  • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

    At a certain point though, the cold truth has to be said. If it's a new & harmful behavioral pattern that you see developing … you got to squash that asap.

    • Bree

      Anthony thats about the Truest thing you've said in this post. Cosign.
      One thing I will say is this. People in general do need to learn how to handle the truth much more mature manner. People in general also need to learn how to deliver the truth in a much more tactful manner. This would eliminate a lot of communication problems and the end would still justify the means.

      • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

        I understand what you saying about delivering the truth in a tasteful manner, but I disagree with it. That's called sugarcoating and the only way to do it is to lie. Whether the lie be big, small, mixed with truth or just deceptive … by saying some truths and omitting others. A lie is a lie. If I tell you the truth, it will be uncut.

        • Bree

          It's not sugarcoating at all. As someone said upthread it's not what you say, or don't say, but how you say it. You'd be surprised how much you can get from people if you simply ask them in the nicest way possible. As opposed to if you ask for something in a mean, nasty, and demanding way.
          It's like a Dr. delivering a very morbid diagnosis and telling someone they only have x amnt of months to live. All Dr.'s are trained in delivering bad news in the nicest and most tactful way possible. They tell the truth, but they say it nicely.

  • http://www.OpinionatedMale.com Mr SoBo

    Interesting topic. There was actually an online radio program over the weekend (The Minority Men show http://www.minoritymenshow.com ) that tackled this very topic. If memory serves me correctly, ultimately their conclusion was the same as yours: Be honest from the jump. I agree. Saves so much trouble on the back end.

    At times people fail to realize how much easier things would be if honesty was a staple in all aspects of their lives. The motivation to be dishonest is obvious when it comes to understanding why men(read people in general) are not as forthright as they could be. As you so simply stated, its for the 'preservation of peace'. A means to maintain harmony for the 'greater good' of the immediate situation at hand, or for the long-term. Sounds very noble on the surface.

    However, in the end, who does this help? The interesting thing about lying in this seemingly harmless situation, is that on the surface, it seems just that…harmless. An act of sparing another's feelings and avoiding an uncomfortable situation. In this instance, it helps neither person.

    In the end, lying (great or small) is simply an act of pure high grade selfishness. It only serves to benefit one person, and its not the person on the receiving end. Whether it be to avoid temporarily upsetting a girlfriend by telling her she looks fat in a dress, or to conceal a more serious offense with more devastating consequences. The motivation for lying never changes…only the lie itself.

    White lie, black lie, yellow lie, green lie….The reality is that we all lie. The sad thing is that we will all continue to lie. Why? For the 'greater good' of course.
    My recent post All Gold Everything: What Type of Man Are You (Dating)?

  • larnelw

    I've used relative truth much in my past. I wouldn't call it any sort of "white lying" because I meant everything I said but I would word it so that it wouldn't come out offensive. I also learned that when it came to that "what are you looking for questions" it was better to shoot that out first and then prepare you response after receiving hers. If a woman I was dealing with wasn't looking for anything serious out the gate (or at all) then I can say "Cool! I'm not trying to settle down right now. I just want to have fun". Now she couldn't call me a dog because she basically just said the same thing. If she wanted a relationship but I didn't then it was something like, "Alright. I am honestly not looking to jump into a relationship like that. Perhaps we can just date, hang out and see what happens". If we had sex but I got tired of dealing with her I had already made it known that I didn't want a relationship. Admittedly though I have missed out on some "scores" from wome that made it clear No relationship…No sex. But I could respect that.

    • Bree

      You seem like an honest man Larnelw. Thats the way it's suppose to be.

  • Smilez_920

    1)Men lie because they don’t want to risk taking an L by telling the truth even if it will help the other person out. Men don’t lie to spare feelings , they lie to save themselves.
    2)Women get mad when you tell the truth because nine times out of ten you told 5 lies previously before coming out with the truth, so yes I’m going to be a tad bit upset that you played me for a fool.
    3)“It’s not what you say but how you say it”. You can be bluntly honest with out being rude. I think a lot of men take the rude approach so then they can tell themselves, “See women don’t like the truth, so I’m going to lie”

    Continue ……

    • SMilez_920

      4)What is with men thinking that when a woman hears something that is not pleasing she’s supposed to have no reaction? Men be angry for days on end when there favorite sports team loss, but expect women to have no type of reaction after you lie to her (get in her pants) then try to tell the truth to make yourself feel less guilty.
      5)I won’t lie and act like some women hear the truth and ignore it, or twist. Some women will hear the truth and not accept it, but at that point the responsibility is on them, you’ve done your part mostly.

    • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

      There is no way to sugar coat the truth without lying. Some men lie to protect themselves and some men lie to protect the woman. Most women don't know or understand the difference. This is why our goal as men is to pick the proper time to lie. To yall it could be about something small because you just look at it on the surface and dont understand the deeper ramifications of it that we do.

      • SMilez_920

        Idk about that Brian, most men lie to save tail. You can tell the truth and not be rude… constructive criticism for example. Or instead of saying “hey I just want to put it in and grab some food once in a blue” ( no one not even men want to be talked to in a rude or nasty manner) instead try “ I’m not looking for a relationship , I think you would be a cool chick to hang out/date with and enjoy your company when werehave time".

        Lying doesn’t protect women; it keeps men from having to deal with consequences that will be presented to him if the truth comes out in some cases. Men don’t lie because they care about the women their lying to; they lie because they care about themselves.

        • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

          Some men lie to protect themselves and some don't. If you know alot of men that lie to protect themselves, that tells a story about the company you may keep. The situation you stated … if I was to say that, it would be a lie. Because maybe I am looking for a relationship, just not from the particular young lady I'm speaking to at the time. Stuff like that is what pimps and preachers do to gain confidence. Half lie, slight truths, deception … all the same. If I was to tell a lie, it would be to protect a woman. Like I said in an earlier post about being robbed. I come home without my coat and she ask me what happened? I can tell her I had two guns in my face and they stole my coat or I can say I mis placed it at a party. The reason for me lying about it would be so she dont get worried and worked up for no reason. I'll deal with my own problems without putting un-necessary burden and grief on her shoulders. Any real man would.

        • SMilez_920

          Maybe if you’re lying to your child, then it's protection, but if it's your lady, again you didn’t want to deal with her getting worked up in most cases. It doesn’t have to be some crazy "he said she said situation" even in the situation you just mentioned. Maybe you felt like you were protecting her, but a piece of the reason you lied was because you didn’t want her to get worked up, because you would have to deal with her being worked up.

          The theme in the comment section from men and women seems to be “ppl lie because they don't want to deal with reactions/consequences" maybe there are other factors involved, but the main one seems to be “reaction/consequences".

        • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

          The difference in what i'm saying and what you may see others saying is that i dont have a problem dealing with consequences of the truth. If she get worked up I don't have a problem dealing with it. The point is that it's not about me at all, it's about HER. If i lie, its to prevent the woman from having to go through un necessary grief.

          Some men lie to protect themselves and don't think about the woman's feelings. Those men are all about THEMSELVES … and NOT HER.

        • JasMaTazz

          If you have to lie to spare feelings in a relationship, you're probably not in the right relationship… If you feel like you need to shoulder burdens alone and not receive input from the women in your life, you're probably better off single…

  • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

    I interesting post. I think most men navigate the path of “how much truth to tell” when dealing with women over the years. Most of the commenters above have already addressed that idea, so I won’t rehash. Ill offer these thoughts for consumption or for y’all to ignore.

    1) Do lies by omission exist? Using the example from the post, if you put on a dress that looks horrible but you don’t ask my opinion and I don’t say anything, is that a lie? Should I go out of my way to tell you the truth even when unsolicited?

    2) I’ve often said honesty and the truth or not the same thing. In fact, in my opinion you can be honest without ever telling the truth, but you cannot tell the truth without being honest. The truth is all encompassing; whereas, honesty is a portion – white lie if you will – of the truth. It’s like saying “I went to the club this weekend” is honest, but the truth is “I went to this club this weekend and bumped into my X while I was there.” These are the best examples but its morning and I haven’t had any caffeine, yet.

    Anyway, my point, most people can handle honesty but they have trouble accepting the truth. By people, I mean men and women. It’s no coincidence that the famous line from A Few Good Men is not “you can’t handle honesty,” it’s “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.”

    3) Although everyone is perfect on-line, we all lie to varying degrees. Hell, we lie to ourselves, so I find it extremely difficult to believe everyone here is 100% honest with their partner 100% of the time. I’m not condoning lying, but do I tell every woman I date the EXACT thing that is on my mind? Hell no. She/y’all don’t wanna know what’s going on up there. A few of y’all can’t even handle (our view of) the truths we post on this very site.

    I think lies, even innocent ones, have a place. Like most things, they should occur in moderation and should be the exception rather than the rule. Also, people shouldn’t ask questions they don’t want to know the answers to, but I doubt that’ll happen.

    - Sent from iPhone

    • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

      These are more personally skewed responses on my part, but:

      1. The lie of omission only exists when there is a direct question and the whole question isn’t answered.
      2. The honesty vs truth debate is akin to the relative truth vs absolute truth point.
      3.I can’t say I agree with even innocent lies having their place. I do agree that nobody wants to deal with the truth about his or herself; at least not in a productive way. We get defensive and are set to attack back because we feel threatened.

      • cynicaloptmst81

        1) Eh, lol. If you know full well what the person is fishing for with their questions…or that they'd have an issue with the information you haven't disclosed, direct or not, not disclosing the information is deceptive.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      1) Yes…and yes, lol. As your woman, I want to make you happy…proud, etc. So, if something is not up to par from your perspective, I want to discuss it.

      2) Agreed. And I also believe that everything doesn't ALWAYS need to be said. If nothing wrong or suspect transpired, some things are better left unsaid…that way your s/o has nothing to even wonder about.

      3) It depends. I may not offer certain information the moment it occurs or crosses my mind (if its crucial to something, I will) but if I'm called on it at any point, I'm gonna either say A) I'm not ready to discuss it right now or B) I'll tell the truth.

      • Paul B.

        That sounds nice, but the truth is that in those situations, it's probably going to want to be discussed in a way that makes you happy, not him. We as people often want to make people happy OUR way, not their way which is where problems arise.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          LOL…I feel you.

          I'll also note that I am probably an exception to the rule. I have pretty thick skin when it comes to most things (you have to when you're clumsy, lol). But, I grew up in an extremely blunt family. One great aunt told me, when my youngest wasn't a year old, "This weight doesn't look bad on you…but make sure you don't gain anymore." I had another great aunt tell me that she didn't like my hair color…and neither did I so it just confirmed that everyone who was trying to assure me that it wasn't that bad was trying to be polite, LOL! For as long as I'm sure you love me, I look at it as you trying to look out. There's a way to say what's necessary and be tactful.

        • WellEnuff

          "This weight doesn't look bad on you…but make sure you don't gain anymore."

          So if a man told you that, you wouldn't mind?

        • cynicaloptmst81

          If he and I have been communicating effectively…and I know his body-type preference, he shouldn't have to.

          But, if for whatever reason, my body begins to look like I forgot what he prefers, naw, I wouldn't mind. It shouldn't be a surprise that he'd feel that way.

          SN: I'm petite…maybe I'd be sensitive if I actually had issues with my weight.

        • WellEnuff

          SN: I'm petite…maybe I'd be sensitive if I actually had issues with my weight.

          I think so. When I gained weight after having a serious injury even I had some body image issues.

        • Paul B.

          I hear you. With that being said, I also know that so many say the things you just said because it sounds good, but when it's time to take steps to keep themselves reasonably close to the way they were when they met, there's the whole, "It's not supposed to be about the looks" or "I'm the mother of your child; I'm entitled to let myself go somewhat" or something like that. There is an excuse for simply not trying now, and an attempt to guilt men into changing their preferences in regards to something that can be helped. Smh

    • SMilez_920

      @Wim
      1)I kind of agree with your honesty vs. truth example. I think honesty is a summary like spark notes, while the truth is in detail, like actually reading the whole book. While both give you the story, the truth gives you details that might change the way you feel about what you’ve just seen/heard.
      2)Some things don’t need to be said and some things do need to be said, when asked by your partner you shouldn’t omit the truth.
      3)I think the liar has more of in issue with the truth being “handled” than the person being lied to in some cases. When you lie, you do it because you want the odds to work in your favor, the truth leaves a big 50/50 chance that things can work out for you, and people don’t like those odds. Honestly the lair is worried about their partner not being able to handle the truth, their worried about how their partner will handle it .

      • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

        3 – I agree. However, I would add that more people, men and women, would get the truth told to them if they actually created a “safe” environment for the truth to be told and received. I’ve dated women who say “tell me the truth” and every time I did, they flew off the cuff and had a reaction, usually emotional, that frankly I didn’t feel like dealing with. If you want the truth, you also have to be able to handle that in which you seek. Don’t ask for the truth, then get offended/shocked every time you hear because that means you clearly cannot handle it. Whether women (or men) like it or not, the reason your partner shuts down a lot of times – assuming they’re not an outright liar – is because you haven’t created or fostered an environment where open and honest communication can take place. For example, if every time I go to pet a cat the MFer scratches me, eventually I’m going to stop trying to pet that damn cat. This is a natural human reaction/coping mechanism. Again, I’m not condoning lying, but as with most things, if everyone appears to consistently lie to you and you are the constant denominator, at some point EYE would ask myself why do people feel like they can’t tell me truth (and/or why do I choose to continue surrounding myself with liars). Most lies and/or liars don’t exist in a vaccuum.

        • Smilez_920

          I agree. A safe space for communication is necessary for both parties. Your partner needs a safe space to tell you the truth, but the other partner needs that same safe space to have a reaction. Not an over the top, throw dishes curse you out reaction, but if I’m upset about the truth when you first tell me or a little uneasy about it, I need to be able to express that without fear that your going to shut down. Also it’s easier to get a mild reaction (nothing crazy) when you tell the truth sooner than later (me finding out form another source, or you just getting caught up etc…).

        • Paul B.

          Exactly! People say they want the truth because it sounds like the right thing to say, not because they actually want it.

        • JasMaTazz

          Just outta curiousity, this "reaction" you speak of leads me to think about another post about women being "crazy" for doing simple stuff. Are the reactions you encounter over the top, or appropriate for the truth being received? And is your perception of said reaction average, or skewed towards a low threshold and tolerance for women's emotions?

        • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

          Are the reactions you encounter over the top, or appropriate for the truth being received? And is your perception of said reaction average, or skewed towards a low threshold and tolerance for women’s emotions?

          These question seems like a set-up…

          Anywho, emotional reactions, by their very nature, are subjective. Who am I to tell another person their emotional-reaction is appropriate or over the top? I do have a low threshold for emotion and prefer to avoid them if I can. This has nothing to do with women but that was a nice card play on your part.

        • JasMaTazz

          Not a set-up. I kind of find it interesting and enlightening that a person thinks it's ok to limit anothers ability to react out of their own uncomfortability. And it makes me wonder if that reaction is even as big a deal as it's made out to be.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

    Lie to me, lie to me, lie to me so sweet….

    Simple answer, we lie to avoid consequence, whether it's tears, being stripped of Tour de France titles or not letting the Joker win the war on morality. Lying is a necessary evil, sometimes its just not the right time, sometimes it just needn't be said. We all say we want it straight no chaser but in reality we don't want the truth, we just want the freedom to react.
    My recent post Today’s Word is… COURTING

    • SMilez_920

      Agreed with everything but "we don’t want the truth". We want the truth we just hope the truth works in our favor. Both the liar and the person in being lied to; want the truth to work in their favor. When the liar knows the truth won’t work in his/her favor, they lie when the person being lied to hears the truth and it doesn’t please them they react. I want the truth because I don't want to waste time with lies and no one likes looking stupid (women and men).

  • Larry

    “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.”

    This pretty much summarizes it for me. People lie for various reasons and the lies vary in size. Hell, you don't even have to say anything to lie (see: Truth, Omitting the).

    I personally don't have an issue with being 100, but where I run into dilemmas is when what something I tell you is the truth, however it just sounds like a standard lie, lol. (I fell asleep, my battery died, I was working late, etc, etc..)

    • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

      I used to stay getting the side-eye from using those reasons, and they were the truth! You’d think having a 14 year old car and working 70+ hours a week would go together with those reasons, but nope Lol!

  • bellatrice1

    Who are these women that ask if they look fat or if a dress looks good?? I've never done that bc if I'm fat I already know it and I bought the dress so no matter what he says, I think it looks good, so his opinion is unnecessary.

    Anyhow, I want the truth, no matter how many men think women don't want to hear the truth, we do! And this goes back to your character. If you're a liar, you're a liar. Whether you tell the truth (the whole truth) should not depend on how you think I will take it. Just tell the truth bc you're not a liar! I'm going to tell the truth regardless. What good does it do to lie about a dress looking cute? Now you got your girl walking around looking busted on YOUR arm. You both lose.
    Lying about your intentions or feelings can def cause more harm than good as well. This chicks today are cray!
    My recent post Memo to HR: You Still Don't Know Me

  • Poetic Justice

    Great read, and great questions.
    I will ask a gentlemen to tell me the truth because: 1) I don't want to make assumptions or play a guessing game… 2) I want to know that he's observed me well enough to gather that he can trust me with the truth & I won't "punish" his honesty… 3) I want him to know that I am willing to take responsibility for my feelings & expectations that develop outside of the truth he presented to me. (Falling for Mr/ Misses Fantasy when they tell you upfront their name is Flaw). Sure, he may tell me a truth I don't want to hear, and I'm entitled to a reaction, but a mature adult reaction, not a toddler temper tantrum followed by the silent treatment. If you want to be respected in a relationship and keep it drama free…. tell the truth (and how you say it makes a huge difference). If you want your partner to be honest with you and establish trust, learn how to maturely receive the truth. Give some reassurance, "I wish you didn't feel that way, but thank you for being honest with me." Just because telling the truth is what should be done, doesn't mean you can't show appreciation when it's given.

  • SMilez_920

    Agreed. I understand no one man or woman wants’ to deal with someone whose reaction is out of pocket (throwing objects, hitting, cursing, blasting the situation on social networks, etc…) But if you tell your woman something unpleasant she more than likely won’t have a pleasant disposition. I think we also have to think about when the truth is coming out, did you tell me the truth when the situation occurred, or did you lie it out until you got stuck in a tight spot. If that’s not the case then, of course we should be able to discuss the truth with our partner openly without worrying about the risk of them going off the wall.

  • PasstheDankPlease

    I agree with this. When someone asks you for the truth, depending on the situation I believe we owe it to the person to be honest. I’m a very intuitive person and for the most part can tell when someone is lying. It’s funny when you call someone out and they know you caught them in a lie. Having said that, everyone lies and in some situations it is a necessary evil. My mom is maaadddd nosy and judgemental, and If I don’t do something her way she rants on and on about it. If I’ve had a long day sometimes I’ll just tell her what she wants to hear so she can STFU. Lol. But, when it comes to significant others, close friends, and family I don’t like lying because in the short term it may make it easier, but the long term consequences suck. I’ve lost friends because I’ve caught them in so many lies and they still don’t tell the truth( can’t be fckn with people I can’t even trust). I’ve also lost mad respect for some of my exes that lied when I straight up asked them for the truth. I have way more respect and loyalty for someone that can be honest with me.

  • MaggK

    If you know you're acting right you shouldn't have any problem telling the truth… The only moment we lie is when we know we messed up… And so we don't wanna deal with the consequences of our actions.
    If you don't wanna say the truth because you think the person can't handle it, you're only protecting yourself. People may don't really WANT the truth, but they NEED it! The way the person reacts is none of your business! If i wanna slap you in the face because you're telling me that you cheated on me, am i really overreacting?! Come on now women aren't that crazy the reactions are proportional to the actions…

  • Bree

    "Truth (not half truths) should be a part of our everyday lives, not some sort of reward or privilege we hand out."
    This statement right here!

  • http://www.opinionatedmale.com cortonio

    i personally thin men..and people as a whole, but for the sake of this article men lie because their woman can't handle the truth. Maybe they don't want to hurt their feelings. Women, well most, think more on emotion rather than logic so they may be a bit fragile to handle the truth. And I also feel men lie because when they told the truth they were 'burned' by it. Say if your woman cooks and asks you is it good, and you reply "no" and are telling the truth you just pissed away any chance of your woman cooking for you for a while. And also there are some women who nag and pick so much some men feel its easier to just lie for a "quiet life"….not saying it works but that's the way it is.

  • http://www.opinionatedmale.com cortonio

    And let's be honest how many men have willfully told the truth and there were no repercussions?

  • Stay in Your Lane

    In short, I'd say what men need is finesse. I'm a woman and have no interest in being lied to. Being up front gives me the respect, dignity and freedom of choice to decide if I'm interesting in giving what you're after. Being lied to, or tricked into something you're not interested in giving – or wouldn't give if you understood the full circumstances – is manipulative, underhanded, and insulting. Likewise, it's annoying and puts someone on the spot to have to lie about how a woman looks in an unflattering dress, or situation, but truth, sincerity and finesse go a long way in clearing things up. Maturity goes a long way as well. If a dress is unflattering, say something like "I don't really like the way that looks" or "I'm not a good judge of women's fashions." It's up to the woman to be mature enough to accept it and decide what she wants to do about it (if anything). Otherwise, the problem is with her, not with him.

  • JDF

    Men and women alike lie out of convenience, period. For the sake of this post and because I am a woman, I will explain the former. Whether I ask your opinion on my hairstyle of choice or ask for details regarding your whereabouts when you chose not to answer my calls on Wed. night, whatever you chose to tell me, has more to do with you wanting to control my response than actual truth. This is definitely not true for all men, or dare I say, a large majority. It's those select men who lack maturity and the ability to be real or just straight up. On the flip side, considering how I know myself to be….when asking for the truth, we have to be willing to receive it. What's done is done, and sometimes when we are told the truth, we react in a manner that makes it difficult for our partners to want to be truthful. Case in point…Before heading out for drinks and such after a long week, I ask, does this outfit make me look fat? When he responds, with an initial extended pause and a "Nah", I do one of three things; flip out, pester him until he tells me what I know to be true, or accept his response and move on….but we all know that the 3rd option almost never happens….

  • Adonis

    I have talked about this topic years ago.

    If you are a man of low value in women's eyes, a few lies are lubrication to the relationship