Know When To Say When: Relationship Inconsistencies

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Woman looking sideways

Hey SBM. I need help with a situation here. I have been dating this dude the whole of last year. towards the end of the year, he had financial constraints that could not be explained ( he does not pay my bills and he is housed by his brother) so i could not understand why he could not cope with a small financial hitch if he was working all year and when i probed things got cold between us.

So last Sunday he tells me that he had a child ( a three year old daughter) with his ex and that is where his money had been disappearing to; he had never mentioned that he has a child to me. considering that i have a 7yr old son that he knows, i feel cheated that he never told me from the word go he has a child. the reason he did not tell me about his daughter is that he was “scared that i would not take him” : as he says. kindly advice how one should handle such. i feel cheated and greatly lied to: i do not trust him no more

Secrets in relationships, and relationship inconsistencies, can be damaging depending on the level of the secret. Reading this message and analyzing your situation, a few questions come to mind.

Why did he hide his daughter from you?

I know he said that he was “scared you wouldn’t accept him”, but that doesn’t make much sense. You have a 7 year old daughter, and usually, people with kids are accepting of potential lovers who have kids too (depending on how many). Because you have a kid, I would’ve expected you to be more guarded about him. I know you’ve had many conversations about children before, so how could he not gauge that you were accepting? That’s strange.

Are you 100% sure he’s living in his “brothers” house?

I’m the type to question everything once a major lie like HIDING A CHILD is revealed. Have you been to said brother’s house before? Do you have concrete proof that “brother” isn’t his code for “baby mother”? Having financial constraints but living with others makes me think he’s a liar and a user. I’ve seen the story of a man with a girlfriend, wife, and mistress a hundred times. A lot of women get caught up because they don’t ask the right questions, or enough questions, and end up getting played. Are we even sure that this child isn’t 3 months old and not 3 years? Everything is under question now!

How did he hide all of this for close to a year?

Did you disregard signs? Did you take his coldness to your questions as reactions to his situation and not an attempt at a cover-up? I’m sure you felt a certain way about his actions, and you want to confirm your feelings. I don’t know enough from the message to know if he dropped hints or warning signs, but men usually aren’t that covert.

In the end, you have the right to be upset and feel betrayed. You have to decide whether or not you can overlook this MAJOR omission about his life. You have to judge his character and actions over the course of the time you’ve been dating and make a final decision. Personally, I feel if someone can hide a kid from you for a year, then they can hide anything. That’s not always a positive.

I hope you can make a sound decision, and I hope our readers can chime in with their experiences and opinions, too.

One Love,

Streetz

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  • Mr. SD

    Dude sounds young and not too bright…He lied by omission and he's wack for that. Break up and keep it moving.

  • http://www.OpinionatedMale.com Mr SoBo

    Thats a pretty tough situation. A serious sit down is definitely needed, as a ton of questions need to be asked, answered, and explained. If the child is indeed 3 years old, perhaps he withheld that knowledge initially because he was unsure how you would respond to him being a father. Seeing as though he was dishonest initially, it might have made it difficult for him to come clean with you as the relationship developed, so he continued with the deceit as it that was much easier. Basically making things worse and worse for himself feeling the need to continue the ruse.

    On another note, since the child is 3 years old, unless something significant changed with his financial arrangement with the child's mother, it does raise some questions as to why the 'pinch' began at the tail end of 2012. It could simply be a matter of coincidence, or maybe he very recently had this child. Like 3 months ago as Streetz pointed out.

    Either way sistah, an open and honest conversation needs to be held between you two. Emphasis on TWO. Hopefully things work out favorably for the both of you no matter the outcome.
    My recent post Lost On Love: The Art of Loving Selfishly

    • FlyyLibrarian

      I dont know if questions should even bother being asked. A year is too damn long to hide a child! I don't have any children, but Im around them all day long, (8-230, and 330-6). My friends that don't even know these kids know some of their names and the crazy sh!t they say and do. Anybody that plays an important part of your life, that you're around constantly, that you care about, you're going to mention them and share them with other people. The fact that he didn't do that for a whole year when he has a "3 year old", leads me to believe that he might also be a deadbeat father and doesn't play a role in the childs life. He gotta go!

      • http://www.OpinionatedMale.com Mr SoBo

        To be clear, my comment is not advocating that she stay or leave. However, it is obvious this young woman has questions that need to be answered for her own piece of mind. From the outside looking in, its easy to say, "he gotta go! Leave him girrrl!"

        But sideline cheerleading aside, lets be realistic here: She obviously knows what her 2 options are(walk or stay). Yet she took the time to compose this letter which makes it evident that she is attempting to make sense of her dilemma. Why? She is seeking clarity, not obvious rhetoric and memorable one liners. There is one years worth of emotion invested here to be considered, which makes walking away willy nilly a bit more complicated. So simply kicking homeboy completely to the curb is unlikely at this time. With the mental clarity comes emotional clarity, and with emotional clarity comes sound, confident decisions.

        It would be rather difficult to believe that any of us have been in some sort of a long-term relationship where upon being devastated, it was easy to walk away immediately. Much like this woman, we too demanded answers and made our decisions accordingly.

        Besides, apart from the withholding of the existence of the child, everything else being said on this blog is speculation. Yes, things don't look good for the brotha, but at the very least, get to the bottom of the man's reasoning for doing so before labeling him a scumbag with all sorts of skeletons. He may very well be. But hasty flying assumptions aint the way to go either.
        My recent post Lost On Love: The Art of Loving Selfishly

        • Larry

          +1 "Seek to understand, then to be understood"

        • FlyyLibrarian

          "Walking away willy nilly"? This isn't some lighthearted weak "willy nilly" situation. There's no way in the world you can try to justify HIDING YOUR CHILD for a YEAR. What's left to talk about after you find that out? Her last words were, "I do not trust him anymore." What's the point of having any sit down with someone you don't trust? So he can reveal more lies? Clarify the first one? Meet the child he was hiding and go on to be one big happy family living under the "brothers'" roof? I understand and agree that everything else said on the blog is speculation, which is why I only adressed the child. That's a big enough lie itself and can't figure out why anyone would try to find reason with what he did. There is no bigger picture.

          She also said, "kindly advise how one should handle such." Sweetheart, if you're reading, you should leave. He was afraid you would leave him if you found out, tell him he was right! God-speed and keep your head up!

        • http://www.OpinionatedMale.com Mr SoBo

          This is why listening to 'girlfriends' is the last thing any woman with relationship problems should do. Objective advice takes a back seat to knee jerk peanut gallery'isms. Always quick to tell somebody else to leave their man. lol
          But I hear ya though FlyyLibrarian.

        • oh ok…

          I had that type of "advice" from an EX- friend, & it messed up my relationship…learn my lesson :-(
          Keep your business to urself!

        • Streetz

          Dope comment

  • Lyric

    ‘r u 100% sure he’s living in his ‘brothers’ house?’

    yep yep yep.I was taken like this once whn I was young & dumb (but I had heart);it happens so much more often than we would think & sometimes it’s just something u have to live & learn.u have to always be sure he can take u home;if not then u know wht time it is.she should definitely bounce but if not then she should stay all the way on her toes like I would be checking phones e-mails twitter whtever social networking type messages & see wht’s really good.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      lyric, social media investigator

  • Lyric

    & I’m not above stalking I mean u have to be proactive

  • SimplySaki

    I'm of the opinion that you should get out now. Nothing good tends to follow after finding out such a huge lie. This is not the time to play Nancy Drew to suss out where he's been honest and where he hasn't in everything he's ever told you. Your love life should not emulate a police investigation. Everything happens for a reason. Accept that this revelation was given to save you from yourself and stop you from getting involved further. Run and don't look back. In a year he's shown you that he's dishonest and potentially financially irresponsible (living with others as a grown man?). Can the red flags be any brighter? Leave this dude alone.

    • Lyric

      if she’s a naive type tho then she may need the extra kick in the butt cuz she might be thinking oh it’s just one lie he’s really a good person maybe he really didn’t think I could deal with the fact he had a daughter blah blah blah all the stuff we tell ourselves;so if she did a little investigating & finds out 100 wht kind of dude he really is then she’ll have closure about it.some women r really with tht blind trust thing & maybe she can’t just walk away easy like

    • Paul B.

      Truth be told, i was in such a situation with an ex that lied about her kid and the person she was staying with. Trust, you’re better off kicking him to the curb. Catching him in this lie is your way out, please take it. For your present. For your future. Go!!!!!

  • MissLia

    His explanation sounds off. Why would he assume that someone with a child of her own would not date him if he also has a child? I could be wrong, but I'm calling BS. I would even have to wonder if this child is really as old as he claims it to be, or if there's more than one. He could be hiding anything. I had a friend whose first love popped back up out of nowhere and was chasing her hard. Out the blue he started playing hot and cold. None of us couldn't figure out why. A few of us thought that he was hiding something, although we just thought it was another woman. Come to find out, around the time he first went cold he had a child. That relationship quickly died.

    A relationship that was founded on manipulation is not one you would want to be in. I could almost see if he didn't tell her for like a couple of weeks, and that's a maybe, but an entire year went by. That's not cool. Most people wait to drop bombs like that on others because they assume that by then you've grow to love them and the information won't matter at that point. He didn't think he could get what he wanted by being honest, so he took a different route. He didn't even have enough respect for her to think that she deserved a say in whether or not she should date him with all of the important information known. That's not even a red flag, that's a stop sign.

    I witnessed a similar situation so I'm not sure if it's fair to fault her for not asking the right questions. I mean, she probably didn't. But she was probably forthcoming with her own information and was naive enough to assume that he would be the same way. Unfortunately, not everyone operates like that. Some people operate along the lines of 'don't ask don't tell'.

  • Smilez_920

    Have you every been to his ” brothers house “. I know you’ve guys have been dating for a yr almost . Honestly you probably want to get out now, there’s a great chance he probably lives with the child’s mother. And on top of that he cant keep his financial situation in order , now he has another bill ( kid) to add on top of that. You should think about what this man has to actaully offer you. Also when you started asking questions and noticed he got cold, you should have just played him to the side .

    ” If your reading this , go back a few months and look at that single Sam series , hint hint “

  • KitKatCuty84

    I had a relationship like this. Every 3-4 months he'd drop another BOMBSHELL on me. We had a bombshell relationship, and after a 1.5 yrs, there was nothing left but wreckage. Definitely don't justify red flags if something inside you is telling you something isn't right. Life is too short to spend it in a questionable situation. I look at those 1.5 yrs like, "What a shame!".

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    The fact he didn’t tell you could mean there’s more skeletons in his closet but that’s speculation. The fact he didn’t tell you about his child implies he doesn’t see a future with you, everything about the situation screams “ride until it falls off”,as a man, women I’m casually dating don’t know much but the basics, I don’t see it necessary to become an open book when I know we’re pretty much just enjoying eachothers company until one of us falls back. The fact he didn’t tell you about the most important person in his life until essentially forced to says alot about where u stand with him. Leave.

    • GirlSixx

      This is another way of looking at it.

      Cosign.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    the kid is a bait and switch, pretty much his attempt to boost credibility by revealing an “insecurity” of his. I’m going with the masses and voting the big lie is he loves his babies mother he’ll never let her go.

  • http://thebookofjackson.blogspot.com Dr. J

    Yeah this cool advice but who is that chick in the picture? Real talk.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      I’m bout to catfish search it…I MUST know.

    • Streetz

      LOLOL Ask Wis he found her on google (might be homegrown tho!)

  • GirlSixx

    Run Forrest.. Runnnnnnn!!!

    "He was scared out of fear of you not wanting him". #BullShyte

    i'm sorry but withholding something like having a child after being with someone ALL THAT DAMN TIME is grounds for dismissal.. No need for any further questions and/or explanations. Clearly this man is hiding something or someone (another life/family) – I doubt he's living with his brother, he is maintaining and holding down a household which explains why he has no cash flow.

  • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

    the person who wrote the letter knows what to do but will they? seems to me that they seeking validation and motivation to do what they know they need to do.

    • http://www.OpinionatedMale.com Mr SoBo

      Agreed. She does seem to have genuine questions she wants answered as well.
      My recent post Lost On Love: The Art of Loving Selfishly

    • Streetz

      I think we need to proceed with caution when saying "she knows what to do" Ive been answering questions like this for years. Most dont make it on to the site because they are recurring themes. Many people who write us either a) want another perspective b) dont really have confidants to entrust with information for fear of embarassment or other factors or c) have a feeling whats "right and wrong" to them, but want to see if theres any other explanation someone can propose.

      We all have had times where we might knwo the "obvious" but still cant decide. Thats the definition of indecision. Writing these letters, talking to friends and family, and asking perspective is an effective way to gain clarity on a topic for THEM.

      Took me a while to get that perspective but experience has shown me a different way to look at letters like this

      • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

        both valid points and i agree

  • cynicaloptmst81

    You don't want to be in a relationship with a man who can successfully trick you for a year…straight faced with no remorse.

    Pack up your lessons and bounce. He ain't it.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    I knew I wasn’t the only one..bout to catfish search it lol

  • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

    It’s probably best to leave ol’ boy alone. If he’s not forthcoming about his kid, daughter at that, then something is up. There’s a good chance he’s back and forth with his current and his ex, though there could be extenuating circumstances, i.e., he’s only allowed time with his child while him and the ex are on good terms.

  • PassTheDankPlease

    Umm…..does she really need to ask any questions? Lol keep it moving! Matter fact, run. Any dude that can hide a child for a year( WTF?) has serious baggage that you don’t need to be involved in. I don’t understand why some chicks mess with these basic a$$ dudes.

  • bellatrice1

    Hiding a child??! I'm surprised you're even considering staying. I would want nothing to do with a man that is willing to hide the fact that he has a child. That's inexcusable and says a lot about his character. He is not worth fighting for smh
    My recent post Are Men to Blame for High Divorce Rates?

  • confessionsofaserialdaterinla

    A man who doesn't reveal he has a child on the first date is suspect. I have a feeling he is married. I also have a feeling he's just not that into you. I hate to say it, but this man sounds like he is playing games. As a woman, when you have to question a man's integrity that is a sign you need to move on. If a man has no integrity then he's not to be trusted. Just my two cents.

  • V

    This is a no-brainer. Leave that man alone. If he leaves out critical info like that for a year, he’ll lie about everything else. You don’t want to settle for a man (just for the sake of being in a relationship) that you’ll have to snoop around to find out his latest dirt because he’s not honest enough to tell you in the beginning. Save yourself and your child and keep it movin’.