Why Men Don’t Call After a Great Conversation

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why men don't call after a great conversation

*** Admin Note ***
For those who have been around long enough, you might remember a writer that actually went by the name SBM, aka Sean Blackman, aka “The engaged guy.” Well, I’ve been behind the scenes for the last few months as I finished business school, got married, moved to California, and finally started working again. Now that’s done with … back to writing!
************

Today, we have a troubled young woman from across the pond. Let’s see what’s amiss …

Hi SBM,

I’m from the UK and came across one of your posts, love your perspective and just couldn’t stop reading post after post, which led me to think you would probably give me some great advice!

So… i often see this guy on the train en route to work in the mornings, i often catch him looking my way, but i get very shy sometimes and end up looking away, when i look at him he does the same! however if he is on the other side of the train, or missed it and remains on the platform we often gaze into each others eyes for long periods and neither one of us will look away.

So one morning i overheard a conversation between him and his friend, his friend asked him why doesnt he talk to me, he replied that its difficult to do that on a busy rush hour train, his friend said she is sitting right here, its not that difficult, he gave another excuse, so i decided to make a move instead, and the next time i saw him i gave him a note with my number on it – he didnt call!

i saw him the following week and he said he had his christmas party that evening and lost it, so we had a nice conversation on the train getting to know each other, then he got off without asking for my number. the same routine happened the next 3 or 4 times i saw him, and i wondered why he hadnt asked for my number, we were both flirty and the conversation was flowing, we looked into each others eyes as we spoke, we laughed at each others jokes were genuinely interested in what the other had to say… i was left confused, but finally on the last day of work before the christmas holiday he asked for my number and i gave it to him. i did expect him to call over the festive period but he didnt, lol (i have to laugh)!!

i saw him during the first week back to work and he came out of his way to speak to me, seemingly happy to see me, and we spoke as we had done before christmas, having a great conversation! so i’m very confused! he does seem quite shy at times but he did ask for my number, the next natural step would be to call (because he didn’t have to ask for my number as we had many a conversation without him asking for it before).

Please clear this one up for me, as i have no idea!

First, I’ll  be answering this question with the American bravo that we are so well-known for.  You may be surprised to know there is more than one logical explanation for his actions. Some are deep dives into the inner workings of the male psyche to unearth schools of thought unknown to most women, but most are simple sh*t.

So why is he acting like this? Well, maybe …

He’s got a woman

Sometimes a man is … searching. He’s not sure exactly what he wants or needs, but he is going to keep looking until the search is done. Maybe he’s dating someone, maybe he is engaged and thinking about committing forever, or maybe he’s a married man trying to see if he still has it.

Point is, if this is the case, it’s not you. There are a million reasons he started looking at you (you’re cute, you remind him of his girlfriend, he secretly wants to leave her), but it was you who made the first move. Now, he doesn’t know what to do. Flirting with you on the train, that he can justify. Calling you for a date, that will get him cut.

He’s not as interested as you think

Men like attention!

Very few men are hit on by women in any given day. Sometimes, a little extra attention just feels good. Obviously we want some sort of Halle Berry, Rosa Costa, Megan Goode lovechild to be licking her lips at us from across the room, but sometimes that kinda cute “she’s aaaaiiiigggghhhtt” girl giving you the eye will make your day.

I don’t know what you look like, but, since most women reading this site are gorgeous, I have no reason to think otherwise.  So, let’s just assume he falls into the 3% of men who just don’t like beautiful (they exist). So, while flirting with you was fun, having to actually call you and take you out is another story. You “crossed the line”.

I remember flirting with a girl I knew in school right before graduation in undergrad. As a freshman, I desperately wanted to smash this chic. It was sad, she wasn’t cute but had managed to wow me with stories of her sexual prowness. Now, 4+ years later, and with several more notches under my belt, I actually wouldn’t even take late night oral a kiss. The flirting was fun, made me feel good. As soon as she called me out and wanted her promised date, I made up an excuse about a “girlfriend” (I was the definition of single at the time).  Yeah … I pulled that one for years still feel bad. I know men are thought to be simple creatures looking for sex and … well just sex, but sometimes just seeing the desire in a woman is enough.

Point is, even with everything you two have done so far, a lot of it was initiated by you; so he may not be feeling you as much as he lets on.

He’s … a confused young man

My Best Man in my wedding is one of my best friends, and a lot like me. Among many things we have in common, one was our ability to not call numbers we got. Back in college, we both would go out, drink, party, and get numbers from women — usually several a night. But, oddly enough, less than half of those girls got called. They weren’t ugly, we wanted to see them again, but … we just didn’t care enough.

As a grown and well-adjusted adult, I can look back and appreciate the craziness of young SBM. It was lazy & short-sighted. Now, I think back to why we did it. Maybe we feared ruining our initial success with a bad call; maybe we were self-involved with work & school; maybe we really just didn’t care about ‘em to put in more than one conversation worth of work.

Point is, sometimes guys just don’t call for no good reason …

Regardless of the reason, you probably want some advice on what to do next. A lot of people will tell you to either give up or don’t do anything because the ball is in his court. Well, that’s true. But if you really want something, sometimes you have to put in more work than you should.

I recommend one last go at it. He’s going to come to you to talk again, and you’ll engage him in conversation with your pleasant British accent as you usually do. Before it’s over, mention that you should get tea & crumpets (or a jacket potato, or figgy pudding, or whatever). He’ll respond “yeah, we should.” And you will then pause, look at him judgingly, and then say “we’ll text me … you’ve already got my number … twice.” He’ll laugh and try and play it off, but I bet he reaches out. If he doesn’t, I’ve got a classmate who went over there after school for you. He’ll call.

SBM aka EBM aka MBM aka “That N***” 

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  • http://www.OpinionatedMale.com Mr SoBo

    Assuming the social etiquette for women in the UK is the same as the US where its ok for women to be assertive in this manner, she can consider giving it one last college try if she is that determined for this fellow. Perhaps on their next encounter before they depart from one another, she can simply ask him for his telephone number and see how that goes.
    Otherwise, be satisfied with being his commuter buddy.
    My recent post Lost On Love: The Art of Loving Selfishly

    • amaris79

      Social etiquette in the UK states it is more than acceptable for a woman to approach a man. In the US we just PRETEND it is.

  • oh ok…

    Hmmm…I say *shrug* him off…
    If he comes to you be "polite", and talk. There's just no reason to give your number anymore…
    Let it go…

    @SBM
    I was wondering what happened to you. Congrats and Welcome back!

  • MissJaXon

    My mind automatically went to possibility #1. Just from my personal experiences in the past thats usually what the reason is. I have been approached, clicked very well and had the best conversations with men but the situation never gets past that. In the end i find out about their "real" life and things immediately dwindle from there.

    As women I think when men express any type of interest we take it as a sign, but I guess sometimes its just as simple as a compliment.

  • namak

    Hmmm… Even the shyest person would have called… or at least texted by now. Assuming i was that guy, if i met a girl that i liked, spoke to her regularly, the only thing that would stop me from following through with a call would be because of another woman in my life. My advice, let it go. Its clear he might have baggage and will only confuse you even more.

  • Smilez_920

    1) He probably has a woman. The conversation you kind of over heard with a ” friend” could have been a casual friend who he also knows from the train who doesn’t know he has a woman.

    2) just like women like to flirt sometimes just for the heck. He is doing the same thing . Some times the fantasy of someone is better than the reality . ( no offense ). Maybe he just enjoyed the sexy misteriuos flirting from the pretty woman on the train.

    3) I think you should fall back a little bit, just enjoy the casual conversation and keep it moving. Sometimes men pay more attention to you when you fall back then when your aggressive .

    • oh ok…

      "Sometimes men pay more attention to you when you fall back then when your aggressive ."
      Truth.org.net.com.uk!!! :)

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    You gave him his opening. With all the discussions we've had on this blog on whether women should approach men or not, you did more than your due diligence. If he's not making a simple phone call by now, shyness doesn't answer why he's not calling. Chalk it up as him not being interested enough. Smart money says is he has someone else, and is weighing his options. So weigh yours.

    And welcome back to your eponymous site, Mr. Blackman.

  • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

    Nothing to add, you thoroughly covered all the basics. I just wanted to say than you for this…

    I know men are thought to be simple creatures looking for sex and … well just sex, but sometimes just seeing the desire in a woman is enough.

  • Bree

    MBM when you said those 2 things you said enough right there….*smile*
    "since most women reading this site are gorgeous,"
    "sometimes guys just don’t call for no good reason"
    I myself have once in a while taken numbers from people men and women and never called them. I try not to make a habit of it because it actually is pretty rude and foolish. It makes no sense to take the number of someone you really have no intention of ever calling. My girlfriend did this all the time and I constantly called her out for it. She took the numbers of guys she wasn't the least bit interested in and never called. Me, I simply chose not to waste my time or theirs so I rarely took the number of a guy I wasn't interested in at all and knew I would never call him. I would tell men, "I don't plan on calling you so lets not waste each others time. What happens here at this place and time is what it is, and after it's done it's black history and in the past. Let's leave it there."

  • Bree

    What can I say though, this is the "American Way." Sort of like telling someone you'll go to lunch with them or saying "lets do lunch sometime" which I've heard people in Cali & NYC are notorious for doing.
    If the letter writer is interested enough I see nothing wrong with asking him again about hanging out with you. Personally I'm very blunt so I would ask him straight up, "why don't you call me?" "do you have a girlfriend?" "If your not interested in going out thats cool, but please let me know that so I will no longer bother you and we can just be cool hi and bye friends." Or if your not that interested, let it go. Too many fish in the sea to worry over one.

  • cynicaloptmst81

    Welcome back! :-)

    If I were her, I'd fall back. Still be cool and cordial…but def fall back. Men ask for/pursue what they want. Accept no less. You've gone above and beyond what's necessary to get a call. He's made his choice…for now. Accept it. When or if his mind changes, you'll get a phone call.

    • GirlSixx

      Thanks for sparing me the keystrokes.

      Agreed!!!!

    • Bree

      I just thought, he could be playing cat and mouse mind-games.
      Soon as she does fall waaay back and only says hi and bye, then he'll be all over her like white on rice.
      But who needs that.

  • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia G

    MBM formerly SBS, congrats on your marriage. Although we've never met, I've been a visitor to your blog since almost the beginning.
    My recent post The Perfect Marriage by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  • amaris79

    Firstly, welcome back!! Your stories were missed!

    And, man can I tell you I have been there!! I really can't add anything to what he's said but to say you're not alone. I have "great convo….then Casper" stories for EVERY STAGE of a relationship and I will never, ever be able to figure that one out (I may need to do a post on it, hmmm..). Save yourself the trouble, ma. If it is this much work in the BEGINNING? You are looking at a lifetime of hard labor. Just start traveling in the next subway car up.

  • DeKeLa

    Welcome Back SBM! Your well thought-out and articulated ratchetness is what brought me to the site to begin with!

    To Ms. Estelle, follow his advice, mention to old boy to hang out and see what happens.

  • bellatrice1

    I would be done with him. Whatever the reason, he isn't feeling her like she's feeling him and pretty soon she will appear thirsty. I say, let it go! Next time he comes over to talk, I would just keep it light and friendly, no more flirty for him!
    My recent post Are Men to Blame for High Divorce Rates?

  • Tunde

    perhaps he just enjoys her company or conversation when he sees her and that's it. maybe he's not taken, or shy or anything else like that. i've done something similar to this before.
    My recent post The War on Christianity

    • Bree

      pretty much. Sometimes it's just really that simple and thats it. We look for stuff that just isn't there.

  • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

    Point 2 used to be me. I’m all for engaging conversations and all, but many times they’re place holders to: take our minds off of things. She could very well be a wonderful young lady, but if he’s not feeling her, nothing will change that.

  • The CPT

    Simple answer: We don't owe anyone anything after a conversation.

    • Guest

      That sounded like way more than "A conversation". If a guy isn't feeling it, be decent and don't keep up the flirting, looks, chatting, etc–it starts to mean something after a while…

  • Constance

    Yea I'd let it go. I have been there. This guy that I met last summer was really cute and was always flirting with me and asking me to dance when I'd go to salsa lessons once a week. He was an educated, attractive, nice brotha with a great personality. After several nights of dancing all night I volunteered my number. He told me he would give me his and when I called it was a work number. I concluded that he either had a girlfriend or just wasn't that into me so I deleted the number and let it go.

  • Sara

    Thanks for all the feedback, love your British references – very funny!

    I think I’ll let this one go, won’t make a final move, as the first one was quite out of my character. I’ll still talk to him when I see him, I’m not going to avoid him, thats too much effort, but probably tone down the flirting! At least I’ll have a bit of eye candy to look at on my commute to work :)

    And congratulations MBM

  • manda!

    great piece.. I really enjoyed it.

    I know it doesn't have much to do with the overall, but I really liked the last line.. good job :)

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