He Said He Wasn’t “Looking for Commitment” But Then He Got Married

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Quality over Quantity

Not every man will get this.

A woman recently asked me, “Why does it seem like men always choose the next woman to be serious with, usually after he says he doesn’t want to commit to the girl he’s dating, but then ends up being in a committed relationship/marrying the next woman he dates?”

Even though I believe men are fairly simple, every man’s specific reasons for leaving a woman varies. For the record, regardless of what they say, I think men are always casually looking for a serious commitment. Maybe he’s just not that into you; maybe he was too into you; maybe he was once into you, but then he stopped being into you. I can’t speak on the exact reason a man leaves a woman, but I can speak on why it seems like men habitually settle down with the next woman they date after claiming they didn’t want a commitment. There are usually two primary reasons…

REASON #1 – SHE WASN’T REALLY THE “NEXT WOMAN”

In this instance, perception is not reality. Unless you know the details of your ex’s dating history after your relationship – and given the dominance of social media coupled with your willingness to stalk your ex, this is very possible – you can’t say without a doubt that your ex got with the “next woman” he dated. Maybe he dated several women before meeting the “next woman.” However, I guess that’s not very comforting to hear. For the sake of this post, let’s assume your ex made a seemingly random, serious commitment to the next woman he dated after you. How could this happen, after he told you several times, in so many words and actions, that a serious commitment wasn’t what he was looking for?

Well…

REASON #2 – YOU HELPED HIM BECOME A BETTER MAN…FOR ANOTHER WOMAN

In my opinion, males are born, but men are made. Every relationship, good or bad, is a learning experience for men. I’m sure this applies to women, too. However, when it comes to relationships, most males (or boys) learn how to become men through trial and error. As a man, it’s easy to learn how to operate independently, but a man has to be in a relationship (or several) to learn what’s expected of him as a man in a relationship. Stated differently, being a good man on paper doesn’t automatically make a man a good partner in a relationship. Even if related, good men still need to learn how to be good partners since a successful relationship extends beyond the satisfaction of one person.

Until your last relationship, every failed relationship is a learning opportunity. Whether we like it or not…read more.

WIM SigWhy does it seem like men always choose the next woman? Why do men say they’re not looking for anything serious, then randomly commit?

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  • SMilez_920

    Maybe the next woman (like WIM said) really wasn’t the next woman, just a woman in the same spot as you. How many stories do we hear of women complaining about dealing with a man who isn’t ready for a serious committed relationship, but she still dealing with him (and acting committed)? Usually she’s dealing with him under the circumstances of “when were together were together, when were not were not”. Basically it’s not that he cheated on you with her, he just explored his options since he hadn’t made a formal commitment to anyone.

    If you ask a man if “he’s looking for anything serious” and he say’s he NO. That no applies to you and only you, don’t project his answer to you, on every other women, he could possible meet or deal with. It doesn’t matter if he say’s with “you” or just say’s he’s not looking. If your dealing with a man and he doesn’t put the option on the table that he is open to looking for a commitment, just put him in the “fun time or lose number” category and move on.

    • Bree

      Church & Tabernacle Smilez!

  • jamal

    or maybe ya ass just sucked as a female

    • Dr. J

      LMAO… word.

  • GirlSixx

    This should be good!!

    *GrabsPopcorn-n-HotSauce*

    .

  • Peter Parker

    WIM basically summed it up in this one sentence, "It might seem like he randomly settled down with the “next woman,” but in actuality he was likely better prepared, older, and more mature when the opportunity for a committed relationship presented itself" The above statement is usually the case, atleast for me. Every relationship, hook up, and dating situation I have been, all have taught me various lessons on how to be a better man with the opposite sex.

    • Smilez_920

      True. Sometimes men get better with age. I think it plays on some women's ego/feelings when you see a man you were really into, move on and do the one thing you wanted him to do with you with someone else. We take it personal/ internalize, like “he picked her because she's better than me or has something I don't, and because I don’t have that there's an issue". When really it's just that “she has what he needed, what you have isn’t bad it’s just not what’s right for that particular guy and vice versa”.

      I also think in situations where the ex girl she’s the new girl getting treated better than she did (especially if she was putting up with b.s.) it make’s the ex girl feel stupid/played. But part of learning the lesson is taking responsibly for your actions (accepting subpar treatment)

      • GUEST

        this was very helpful!

      • bree

        like in the movie wit Dondre Whitfield and Tamela Jones where pushed and pushed him about having a baby and he straight told her "I don't wanna have a baby with you because I don't know how long I'm gonna stay married to you." And she sees him in the store with the Latina chick and she's knocked up. At the end she learns her lesson and adopts. But that was her fault. She had nobody to blame but herself for that situation.

        • me me

          I saw that movie….they were MARRIED and the plot doesn't give the impression that they were newly weds either…like she told him "I'm not some jump off—I'm your wife!"

          That has to count for something.

          Fuck up a temporary okay, coo—, but you married someone and decided it would be better not to put your dick in the woman married and multiply yourself with her.. I must say, I am FUCKING confused, and if that was a good example by a man's standard, I am afraid for the future.

  • kiesh

    He wasn't that into you. He enjoyed your company, yams, cooking, or whatever well enough to keep you around but if he just told you that of course you wouldn't have stuck around as long as you did. Instead, ask yourself why you wanted to be with someone who wasn't excited about being with you if a relationship is what you want?

    • newgirl

      really good question…I think it is because as a woman, anyone we like, we want them to like us back in the same way. but it doesn't always work out like that, and it is hard to accept sometimes.

  • Nicole B

    Simple Men have a checklist. They are very calculating. They make a list e.g. Dr. J's post about 5 things that make amber Rose wife material. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/20/kanye-we…. <——-perfect example of what a man really wanted versus who he dated. Every man's checklist is different. It's as simple as his checklist didn't add up to you. For example I am a good cook many sound trivial but that's one of the things on my husbands list., that was important. If you are not the one the signs are there. You just don't want to see them.

  • amaris79

    So, basically…it's all really a crapshoot.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      Yup.

    • Southerngyrl_

      Pretty much

    • Larry

      Many things in life are. Just know when to take your money down before you crap out, lol.

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

      Possibly but IMHO that’s a “glass half empty” mentality, no shots. I’m a glass half full type of person. My natural disposition is to look at how something can be accomplished; not why it can’t be accomplished. People fall in love, get married, and stay in love every day of the week. Pessimist (and realist, which I think I am, are not the same as pessimist) look at all the negatives, ignoring the positives, and declare whatever they view – in this case love/relationships/happiness – as impossibles. This is ironic, especially when you consider women are far more likely to state that “anything worth having is worth working for” when referring to themselves and views on love than men.

      Moreover, and ill need to expand on this one day in a full post, when I was much younger my father broke down his views on Probability vs Possibility. In his and my opinion, too many people live their lives according to the possible and not the probable. Namely because the possible is generally more favorable in our dreams of grandeur than the probable. For example, it’s POSSIBLE you’ll hit the lottery, but it’s PROBABLE you will not – and yet, every time the lottery gets high folks run out and waste their money on the possible over the probable. In reference to today’s post, it’s possible you can attach yourself to a man on the hope things will just “work themselves out” over time and a man will recognize your greatness as a woman over time – despite the fact that he isn’t even recognizing your greatness in the present thru a commitment to you and you alone. Therefore, it’s probable the odds are not in your favor. In the end, that’s what life boils down to – playing the probable versus the possible. It’s safer to play the odds of the probable, but I can respect why people continue to chase the possible. After all, the “lottery” is only a bad investment until you win…

      - Sent from iPhone

      • UmmYeahOK

        BRAVO!

      • cynicaloptmst81

        "Probability vs Possibility"

        Really good theory…

      • Bree

        Exactly WIM…..I also think when it comes to relationships other variables come into play, like all the opinions, info and examples you have from friends and family around you.
        Many times people feel like because a certain kind of relationship worked for someone they know, it will work for them. Or because some people they know met and fell in love and got married and it was great and wonderful and that person transcends that love and happiness to the person that it will happen for them too. This can sometimes be the downfall of women who have lots of happily married girlfriends and siblings. They automatically think because it happened for other people, it will happen for them, and it does not. Your man or whomever your dating is not Lisa's man or husband.

        • bree

          Therefore, just because Lisa's man dated her for 4 months and proposed and they eloped doesn't mean your male friend will do the same. In fact Kenya on Real Housewives of Atl is a prime example of this. She lost a really good dude, (or at least he seemed good) because she was surrounded by all these fairly happily married or fomerly married couples. At Peter & Cyn's wedding all the women were all teary eyed and hopeful thinking the impossible and improbable is possible. They all had stars in their eyes, (except for Nene). Especially Kenya. She got too happy and tried to get what Peter & Cynthia have, instead of realizing that she is not Cynthia or Phaedra (cause I think she envies her too) and Walter is not Peter or Apollo.

        • bree

          She messed up big time pressuring that man to get married because she wanted to be in the same "happily married club" as Phaedra and Cynthia and everyone else who is married on the show. And she has no kids either and is bout old as dirt, younger than water, so she was really pressure cookin poor Walter. I don't blame him for leaving her crazy butt. Ladies need to learn to appreciate and see the value in what they have and stop trying to always emulate other women around them.

      • Hurit

        Gasm! Of all kinds….you truly must have an interesting life. Your theory hit me with some reflections in thought. It takes a certain being (outside of my Self) to change my thought to change my perception to change my thoughts to change my beings.
        Thank you. (Great article).

  • UmmYeahOK

    Usually, if somone just up and marries the next person shortly after break up with you, it's because they were dealing with the "new" person WHILE they were with you, so it just APPEARS that the new relationship/marriage came out of nowhere.

    • Bree

      EXACTLY UmmYeah

  • jdoubleu

    To piggyback off #2, some women have a habit of getting into relationships with fixer-uppers. That is, you can look at their dating history and see a pattern in the caliber of men they've been in relationships with – guys that might have been looking for more of a mommy or a nurturer than a partner of reciprocity. And so the "why her, not me?" becomes a perpetual question that really has nothing to do with the next woman or even the guy. It's just that the woman happened to pick a guy who needed to be with her to fulfill a temporary need, as opposed to wanting to be with her because they choose to. When he doesn't need her anymore, she return to forever alone.

    But I agree with you on #1. Rarely is it someone "new" that he marries. It's just someone she didn't know about. Seen it happen tons of times.
    My recent post Fantasy Football Woes 2013: I’ll Still Draft Em Though

  • Thoth

    Simple answer is he didn't want to be with you. If he did, he would have stayed. But lets be even more honest, chances are it wasn't something positive a female did that "improved" him for another woman. Like I said, if it was positive, he would have stayed. Something negative probably happened that showed him he was really done with the single life. I think this article tries to diminish the impact of one side of the coin by blaming the other side, e.g., he was immature until you got your hands on him, but then he left because he's still not really a man (but most articles on this site does this.)

    Side note: I'm scratching my head on the above picture. What constitutes Beyonce has "quality"? Has she shown anything beyond being a pretty face who can kind of sing (but not really)?

    • Sapphron

      And has taken song writing credit for other ppls work. I agree she's not a quality person imo.

    • MaggK

      kind of sing?… Ok you are hating!

    • Southerngyrl_

      You might not want to get into the Beyonce thing. There are people that think she can SANG. I am not one of them though. Love her, but she is not a strong vocalist.

      • MaggK

        You know i love Bey so maybe yeah im not objective when i talk about her… But i do understand people who don't like her, because she's everywhere, because they don't like the things she wears, because she did this or that, because everything with her is just mystic… It's ok… But the singing part is just not true, homegirl can sing! I've seen her live way too many times in different cities and continent to agree with that statement. When you think about artists with a pretty face who can kind of sing (but not really) Bey can't be on the same list as Cassie, Rihanna, Ciara etc… I refuse!!!
        But hey my love for her probably makes me blind (or should i say deaf) that explains why we don't hear the same thing when she sings… -_-'!

        • Thoth

          She's average at best (and that's being generous.) What she does is make "female anthems" so women relate to her music and give her credit she really doesn't deserve. Another good way to measure if she can sing would be to take her voice and put it with someone that people didn't think was so attractive. Chances are people wouldn't listen. The look now is more important than the voice. Case in point Rihanna. Rihanna couldn't sing if her life depended on it but some people think she hot so she sells music (I don't see it, she looks like a frog to me but oh well). Another is Nicki Minaj. She can't rap at all, but once again enough people want to be her or sleep with her so she sells. Put the same music with someone who looks like Wendy Williams and not one cd would leave the shelf.

        • MaggK

          So you're saying the only reason she is successful is because she's pretty… ?!… ok… -_-'!

        • Southerngyrl_

          I will tell you what my sister says. She says Beyonce is a competent singer. I will put her in the Diana and Tina group. It is a compliment to even be named with these women. I am a fan of all of them, including Beyonce.

          Could any of them outdo Aretha in her heyday? Nah. But I like my singers to SANG.

          Rihanna…eh. She has a voice that is umm, different. Her accent helps. So her voice does flow well with certain songs. She is definitely not a strong singer. Looks help both women, but I think good marketing is probably where it is also. They are definitely entertainers.

        • Thoth

          Well let's see. Let's take Jill Scott. Jill Scott can sing circles and then some around Beyonce, yet hasn't had the same level of success. Why is that? Jill has better songs, better voice and better content in her music than Beyonce, yet Beyonce is more successful. It's the same with Jean Grey. Jean Grey can out rap Nicki Minaj all day, everyday (and twice on Sunday) yet Nicki is more successful. What's the difference? The talent is overlooked by looks. I can give you more examples if you want. Sex appeal sells more than actual talent. Let's flash back to LL Cool J's song "Doin' it". In the video the model rapping didn't write the song (duh right?) The actually woman who wrote and rapped the versus was a larger woman of average at best looks. LL put a model in the video and she lip-synced the words. He got sued by the rapper and he paid her off. It proves my point. Sex appeal matter more. Talent gets pushed aside and Beyonce, Rihanna, Nicki, and others get to rise.

        • MaggK

          Arfffff ok!

          Southerngyrl_ you must agree that it's hard to outdo Aretha, however i'll let Beyonce sings Respect anytime anyday!!! I'll never let the people i put in my list of "Singers who can kind of sing (but not really)" do it… That's all i'm saying it's EXTREME to say that Beyonce is average!

          Thoth! WOW Beyonce is a pop star, Jill Scott makes soul music, it's SO different… i have NO problem loving them 2.
          And the reason why Beyonce is more successful than Jill is because pop music, means popular music, means that more people listen to it.
          Soul music is underground (and i'm starting to believe it's part of the movement). About Nicky and Jean, i agree with everything you said, Jean is more talented. But since I don’t think Beyonce is untalented I don’t see why we are talking about it here!!! Beyonce has a CRAZY management team who don't sleep… Yeah they invest a lot in her looks, but i really think that the only reason it works that well is because at the end of day you know that if you give her a stage she will K-I-L-L it!!! Cassie, Ciara etc. prove that looks isn't enough!!!

          Use the look argument to explain Rihanna's carreer because for someone who can't sing she's definetly selling a lot!!!

        • Southerngyrl_

          I almost passed the hell out when she tried (Yes, I said tried) to sing "At Last". If she tries to sing "Respect", I will have a problem with her. You can't just ruin great songs with average talent. That is where I draw the line. Do you know how much soul came from Etta when she sang that song? Etta sang that song from her soul. I watched Beyonce sing it once and have refused to even watch the movie because of it. I just cannot…

          I don't think the view is extreme. It is just what I believe. When I think of vocalists, I think Etta, Ella, Sarah, Whitney, Mariah, Celine, Jill, Amber Riley etc, women who can BLOW. Beyonce is a Diana to me. IMO, she's entertaining, but only really average from a vocal standpoint. I know women, even right now, who can sing better than she can. I can't say the same for Amber Riley or Whitney.

          We can agree to disagree, because for sure, you will never convince me the girl is a great vocalist.

        • MaggK

          Ahahahahah it's funny because i was about to bring the At Last song ahahah! I really think she KILLED IT ahahahahahahah!
          Ok moving on, like i said my love for her makes me deaf :)!

        • Southerngyrl_

          LOL. Oh Lord.

          That is okay. I understand. : )

        • Thoth

          I was unaware that we accepted bad singing as long as its pop music. Singing is singing period no matter the genre, but if you're okay with it, I guess that's what's important. Just please turn it down in my neighborhood or I will throw rocks at your car.

        • MaggK

          U really don't get it!! Where did i say that i accept bad singing!!! I THINK BEY CAN SING!!! Re-read, then we will discuss!!!
          And… I DARE YOU TO THROW ROCKS AT MY CAR *taking off my earrings already* (just playing i can't fight LOL) BYE!!

    • Guest

      Her singing abiity has nothing to do with her being labeled quality. It waste fact that she did what many women can't seem to do…go through courtship, get married, THEN have the baby.

  • Words HavMire

    Wow… This one is OUTSTANDING
    one 10 Is always better than five 2s…
    We should all be looking for a mate that completes us and is a TEAM MATE. we don't need to be wasting years on potentials, dependents and enablers.

    Examine the person you are with. Can you turn to him/her in an emergency or do you have to call an ex or your parents or your bestie?

    Think bout it(^;
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  • http://twitter.com/ChrisUnltd @ChrisUnltd

    Just because a man isnt looking for anything serious now doesn't mean he never will be. I've told women before that I didn't want a relationship and that was honestly how I felt, at the time. Now some men may say that because they aren't interested in a relationship with YOU in particular but at the end of the day, does it really matter? Whether he's not committing to you or anyone else if a man tell's you he's not looking for anything serious just take his word for it and get on with your life. Trying to figure out why or how to change his mind is just a waste of time.

  • MaggK

    But really though when they say they don't want to commit: Keep it moving!

  • http://www.OpinionatedMale.com Mr SoBo

    What many people fail to realize or understand is that 1) they are more likely not as great as they think themselves to be; and 2) not everyone will share the same view of greatness that they see within themselves.

    In situations such as these, perhaps at the time of involvement the man genuinely was not interested in a committed relationship at all. It is also very likely, he was genuinely not interested in a committed relationship with you. His reasons are his own, and he (like you) is entitled to pass on that @ss.

    Additionally, personal growth and evolution in the wake of the terminated relationship is a natural occurrence in many cases. Not only for the individual who chooses to end the relationship, but also for the one who 'gets dumped'. Its an opportunity to look within and hopefully attempt to not only understand one's shortcomings, but also to correct them. A blessing in disguise.

    In the end, different women bring out different things in a man.
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  • me me

    whatever…I'm gay until further notice..

  • http://www.opinionatedmale.com cortonio

    i have just one question about the caption: Who said beyonce was quality, because she has money and looks good besides I hear she had bad halitosis…There's more to that than meets the eye. Furthermore I do think dudes have the misconception as being single=being lonely.
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  • Tennile

    Prime example, he’s just not into you. Nobody likes rejection men or women. Even though it may be hard to hear a man say he’s not looking for commitment with me or with anybody it doesn’t matter the reason. Just move on to the next. It’s all a numbers game.