Are You Cool With Your Boyfriend Frequenting the Strip Club?

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It’s no secret around these parts that i’m a fan of the strip club. I’ve definitely given out a healthy serving of a round of applause on many of nights here in DC and across the country. People always ask me to write about the strip club and relationships — like all the time. I always hesitate because I understand that just because it’s not a big deal to me, doesn’t mean there aren’t some women out there who find it offensive and disrespectful to their relationship. In my latest on MadameNoire, I decided to share some thoughts:

Straight From His Mouth: Is The Strip Club Really A Big Deal?

Some time ago I found myself in a conversation with a group of women about men and their obsession with strip clubs. Up until a few years ago, strip clubs were a dirty, stinky, and smoky place where men congregated to stare at women in the nude while tipping single dollar bills each song. Then something strange happened, it went from being about a secret hideaway for men to exercise their right to lurk, to being about “tip drilling” and “making it rain.” That’s right, the strip club became a place to not only have fun, but to have out in the open fun almost as if you were in a nightclub. It wasn’t short after this that women decided it was time for them to get involved in the fun too. If you go to any popular strip club in a major city these days, you’re likely to see not only men partaking but women too.

But what about the women who still aren’t comfortable going to the strip club, or aren’t warmed up to the idea of their boyfriend frequenting the place either? I’m not sure. I’m not sure if it’s a big deal or it’s a sign of a woman being a little overbearing. Inevitably it comes down to a few things: how much you trust your man and what lets you sleep at night.

In defense of women everywhere, let me start off by saying a few things to the guys. If you are the type of man who goes to the strip club to cop a feel and get your rocks off to the dancers, your girlfriend has every right to not want you to go. She may not exercise that right, but she has a right to. So here’s my thought for you ladies, you shouldn’t be dating a guy who tries to get his rocks off to someone other than you. That’s just nonsensical.

However, there are a bunch of men who go to the strip club just for the show. They don’t really take anything away from it, but just that — a show. They’re not gawking over the women, they’re not lusting after them like pieces of meat, and they aren’t spending any of the rent money on toe touching. Personally, I’m a bit of a strip club connoisseur – I tend to often go to strip clubs in my area. I have been in and out of relationships during my time at strip clubs, but I always make it clear to the women I’m dating what happens when I go to strip clubs.

Read the rest here.

What are your thoughts on the topic? Do you think it’s okay for a guy to frequent the strip club? If so, what are the rules that you have for him? For the fellas, what rules do you have for yourself? Also, without incriminating yourselves, what are some things you’ve seen men do in the strip club that is a complete foul on the play?

Dr. J

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  • Smilez_920

    It depends. In larger cities for example NYC the larger popular strip clubs like Sin City are basically like clubs on Saturday night. It’s not so much a trust thing because I’m not going to date someone I’m worried about cheating on me in the strip club, I guess I just don’t want him there 2 or more times a week. If you’re in the strip club 3 times a week there’s a good chance you’re throwing money (at least a lap dance), meaning your wasting money on another woman, instead of the woman your with. I live in NYC so there’s a lot of good happy hour, sports bar type spots you can go to, where you don’t always have to be in the strip club. But if you are in the strip club, No grabbing the strippers, no private dances, not sure how to feel about lap dances.)

    • Peter Parker

      Big ups to NYC. Went to Sues Rendezvous a few time (actually the ex took me for my birthday one year) and was highly impressed. I hear Sin City is the best spot now though, but as a brother from the south living in the DC Metro area, it was a pleasant surprise. I almost felt I was back down south were things are a little more open and free.

  • larnelw

    I use to hit up the stripclubs back in the day. Had my hole in the wall grimy spot in NY. Matter fact, if I traveled anywhere I had to see what the street club scene was like; Orlando, Atlanta, Raleigh, Vegas, New Orleans (and I dont just mean on Bourbon St). My mentality was "If I can't touch then why am I here". I don't even consider it a good night at a regular club if I wasn't dancing on some cute chick. So why go to the strip club and spend money to look? I was copping a feel. I was getting lap dances. I had a few private dances. Even had some encounters that could have gotten us both arrested lol. If I was gonna be there then I was gonna go all the way in and have some fun.
    I'm past all that now. Don't feel it would be at all appropriate for me to be there now as a married man. But don't miss them either. Just look back on it as my young reckless fun days.

  • http://inanimatethoughts.blogspot.com Animate

    I pretty much treat the strip club as a bar these days. I do enjoy the occasional partaking but its rare now. Especially since where I live they don't sell liquor in the strip clubs. I have to get the urge to go anyway and usually only go for some kind of occasion these days. My wife will go every now and then with me so she's okay with it. Especially since I took her to her first ones.
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  • InsomniaPoet

    I love the strip club – maybe that's because I grew up in Atlanta – who knows? I could care less about my man going to the strip club. If he tells me he's going my response is have fun! But that's pretty much how I feel about my man going anywhere because I TRUST him. As for rules, the only thing I don't want is him doing something with a shoe model that is reserved for me. No kissing, 0ral, or smashing BUT he can't do that with ANY other chick. So I don't even see the need to put those rules out there. I've gone with my dude to see the shoe models and honestly I think it's a healthy outing for any strong couple. We can pick out a pretty one together, each get a dance and go home fired up and have a great night. Just my two cents…

    • Peter Parker

      Yeah, see a woman like you is a must for me. I don't go to the strip clubs like that, but if the urge to go out and do something different, I would hope my girl would be cool and either roll or tell me "enjoy yourself." I can respect a woman that doesn't want her man to go, but at the same time as you mentioned above, if you TRUST one another, it's really not a big deal.

  • SingLikeSassy

    Before I got married, my then-boyfriend let me know that he sometimes went to the club. I wasn't sure how I felt about it as I had never had to address the issue before. I asked him to take me and let me see what was going on for myself. He did. I saw. I decided there was nothing to see here, move along. He kept going. Fast forward a few years to after we're married. He still goes to the club. Except now, unbeknownst to me, he has struck up "friendships" with some "dancers." I'm sure you can see where all this is going. We are divorced now.

    Moving forward, I can't say how I would handle this in the future as a part of me wonders if I had laid down the law would I still be married now. But, I don't want to be my husband's jailer/mother and I can't drag the baggage from that failed relationship into a new one. So, I'll have to see.

    • Yvette

      @SingLikeSassy – I'm sorry for what happened with your ex, but I think it's fair to say that banning someone from a strip club isn't going to prevent cheating (I'm assuming that's what he did?).

      He made the decision to cheat, and it would have happened whether he went to the strip club or not.

      • SingLikeSassy

        Yes, I know but you know how we do the "what ifs" and "maybe I shoulda" etc.

  • Yvette

    A few things…

    -To pretend that you're going to a strip club for any other reason than to gawk at naked women is insulting to women’s intelligence, so just stop it lol. It's ok to want to look at naked women, just own up to it and stop acting like you're going for "the show" (what does this even mean?)

    -I don't like the idea of men trying to make women feel like prudes or that they're not the cool girlfriend for not wanting to go to a strip club. I'll respect your reasons, you respect mine.

    -As long as a couple is on the same page about strip clubs, I don't see the big deal.

    • Dr. J

      I feel like it's even more insulting that you would claim to tell a person the reason why they do something. I can only speak for myself, but I've gone to a strip club to really just hang out with my friends. The strip clubs I go to in DC… like Stadium, it's really just as many women who aren't working than there are who are, people really go there to party. You have to take time and think about it like this, if 50-60% of the club is females who aren't working, are they going to the strip club to gawk at naked women? No. Therefore, how can you try and tell a man of his intentions? You really can't that's crap. That's like me telling you, stop pretending that you're not insecure about a man in a strip club because of your own personal issues with beauty and your body. You'd be looking at me like, who are you to tell me what I believe and what's going on in my mind?

      I'd also add that the spot I used to go to the most was a spot we went to on Monday's because they had a wings special and the game on big screen TVs. The girls didn't even start dancing until halftime or the game was over. During halftime, most people were trying to get food. People really just went out to that spot to hang out with their friends and have cheap beer. Most people left at the end of the game. But again, that's just me. I just wanted to say it's just ridiculous when someone tells you, "stop pretending." I always want to respond with, why would I be pretending to you? I have no vested interest in lying to anybody on this topic.

      As I said in the article, i've rarely dated someone who had a problem with me going to the strip club and the only time someone did they were under the impression that the place was a lot different than it was. They came with me once and after that they were like, it's really no big deal. All that to say, I really don't have to pretend about anything. I have my reasons and I've done just fine with the women. The only women's intelligence i'm not trying to insult are the ones who i'm with.

      • Yvette

        Oh, so now you're going to strip clubs to hang with your friends? Hmm, your reasons seem to be changing and/or multiplying. Interesting.

        Just because the crowd is 50% women doesn't mean that they're there to "party". You couldn't possibly know why each of these women goes to the strip club. A few possible reasons off the top of my head – to look like the cool girlfriend, to keep an eye on their man, and believe it or not some women ARE there to look at the strippers.

        Yes, I will absolutely cop to the fact that I'm insecure at times about my beauty and my body. I can be honest about one of the reasons why I'm uncomfortable with strip clubs. See? It's not that hard.

        • Dr. J

          I didn't really change or multiply my reasons. I'm not sure if you read the post clearly, or even read the rest of the article on MN. There's a myriad of reasons why I go to the strip club but just so that we are clear on what i'm addressing, i'll copy/paste what you said… exactly:

          "To pretend that you're going to a strip club for any other reason than to gawk at naked women is insulting to women’s intelligence, so just stop it lol."

          That simply is not true.

        • Smilez_920

          Lately it seems like men want women to be comfortable with any and everything even if it’s kind of crossing the line. Most women don’t have an issue with you going to a strip club once in a blue or for a bachelor party. But to be there 3 or 4 times a week is a little much. I’m not from DC, I have a lot of friends and family from DC, I’ve heard them talk about stadium. It seems like it’s kind of crossed over into the happy hour/club spot that just happens to be a strip club (It’s in a different league kind of). But I know there are more great fun places to drink in DC than the strip club (like most big cities).

        • SMilez_920

          Even if you’re not trying to take any of the strippers home, I’m sure having a bunch of naked women along with a plate of wings and a beer is a plus. While you personally DR.Jay might not be going to the strip club for anything other than the drink special, most dudes are going to see the women, and if your in there every week, then clearly there’s something those women are giving you that you aren’t getting from me. It might not be physical attraction could be something else. I also don’t like that every time a woman isn’t complete open arms about something her “man” is doing that she’s automatically insecure. Just like the Insta-gram post “It’s all about respect and doing things within reason”.

        • Dr. J

          Just to follow up on my comment. When I say frequent, I mean you go to the strip club when it's not a bachelor party or birthday party. Whether that's once a week or once a month, it's when you're going there regularly for some odd reason.

        • Dr. J

          I think it's unfair for men to expect women to be careful with any and everything. I said in the article, if she just can't sleep through the night then it's something that bothers her, that qualifies as a valid concern because it's a dealbreaker for her. Personally, I think the quickest solution for that is that if you're a guy and you don't think it's a big deal; it's probably a good idea to date someone who shares similar opinions. If not, you have to ask yourself if it's worth risking the relationship.

          Right now, I go to Stadium about once a month. At most, i've been four times in a month. It was always Wednesdays for the open bar and free chicken wings. I would agree that someone in the strip club 3-4 times a week is a bit much.

        • Smilez_920

          WAIT… they have free wings ….. And open bar…. I'd be mad you didn’t take me lol o0o0 once a month or even twice for that deal isn’t bad at all. I would be there too… (I have to add stadium to my list when I go down there)

        • InsomniaPoet

          why would woman go to the strip club trying to "look like the cool girlfriend" or watching her man – every woman isn't intimidated, disgusted, or demeaned by the strip club. It's just another place to go. As someone mentioned they have food (Magic City easily has the best shrimp & grits ever & pink pony used to have a steak lunch special) music & drinks. I think it's a little unfair to think that there isn't a show, if you don't frequent or enjoy the strip club of course you wouldn't understand what the show is about. BUT it is a show. Some of the things those women do are amazing to see. Also, if a woman has to front and try and be something she isn't for her man, or if she has to watch her man then the issue isn't the strip club…sounds like it's that relationship. But then again…just my two cents.

        • http://inanimatethoughts.blogspot.com Animate

          I've heard of the greatness of the steaks at Pink Pony. I've also seen an amazing stripper that looked like Sarah Palin at the Pink Pony.
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        • SMilez-920

          @Insomnia I can agree on those points. But I think it’s just about doing things in reason, and respecting your partner. I have no issue with my partner going to the strip club. Now would I want him there every week? NO. Even if he’s just going for the show, the show isn’t free those dollars could go towards me lol

          I also think were talking about bigger well know strip clubs were this kind of “non-stripping’ events happen and everyone is privy to the information. (DC, ATL,NYC). There’s a difference between your man going to Magic city every Monday during football season and there’s no dancing during the game almost like a more X-rated hooters, and your man city in “The player’s club” type spot 2 -3 times a week.

        • InsomniaPoet

          Okay so just for the sake of the argument – would you be upset if your man went to let's say Friday's after work every night? That's money he could be spending on you…I've never been with a man who went to the strip club multiple times a week every week but I am thinking every Wednesday for lunch w/ the fellas type of thing wouldn't bug me. But then again I've gone to the strip club w/ my homegirls every week for steak lunches…so maybe I am just the weirdo LMAO

        • Smilez_920

          If it's like the deal Dr.J stated up top then, I wouldn’t be upset. Lunch isn’t too bad but I guess it depends on what your definition of frequent is. Some women may think that frequent is (ever week or 3 times a week, me) while other women could think frequent for them is once every 3 months.

  • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

    I think a lot of folks views on strip clubs is how they were brought up. In Texas, in the big cities anyway, strip clubs haven’t been a big deal since I was 18. Where I lived there was 3 within a 10 mile radius and probably 10 in the city limits and we didnt even have a million people. Anyway, we’d often go and just chill. I never got the “allure” of it being wrong or forbidden because “everybody was doing it.” I have stories and I have friends that “fell in love for the night” but honestly lame dudes, cheaters, and men who run the gamut are just as likely to be that way in a strip club as they are in a club club.

    As I’ve gotten older, they’ve become more like special occasion hang outs – someone’s birthday, wedding divorce or celebration (it depends), or vacation and its something new. As J said, if you’re the type of man or dating the type of man to fall in love with a woman dancing for money, you just need to stay out the club. Says nothing about the club and everything about you in my opinion. As has been pointed out, most of these “strip clubs” are more live than clubs these days and the woman to man ratio is even or there’s honestly more women than men on some nights.

    Lastly, if you’re in a relationship I think it’s just about communication. I’ve dated women who wanted to go with me, others didnt want me to go at all, and others were fine if I went but dont get “outta line.” For me, and most people I know, it honestly hasn’t been that big of a deal. Maybe I hang with a bunch of goons tho. *shrugs*

    • Streetz

      PLus one on all of this and I add that there def is a layer on insecurity on either man or womans part at times with having an issue with strip clubs

  • JayCee

    IMO, it all depends on what's discussed & understood in a relationship before he OR she steps into a strip club. If you are going with some of your friends, guys night out…coo'…if you are going to "get lifted" by someone else when I can do that for you at home?…wayment…

    In most cases, the majority of the men I know go for special occasions, with most having already had "the talk" with their S/O's before departure. If my bew were to approach me about going, I wouldn't have too much of an issue, as opposed to him going and me not knowing at all. I just may go with him some nights myself and then we take it back to the house for a night cap.

  • Suni

    Frequenting? No. Special occasions here or there? I guess so.

    My only caveat with this issue is it seems has an air suggesting something is wrong, strange, weird, crazy, ect…with women who don't want their significant others to go to strip clubs. Other than the occasional breakouts on my face like I'm 15 or something, I don't really have any insecurities. However, many women, whether they want to say so or not, would feel some kinda way about it if our boyfriends or husbands frequented the club. It's like, what kind of extra-ness (not a word, I know, lol) are you seeking? Is there something I'm not clued into that makes you feel the need to hit up a spot every week?

    For example, in the same vein I wouldn't accept so much as orange tic tacs–and I loooove the orange ones–from other guys regularly because I KNOW my guy would feel a bit off about it. He's not insecure, but sees himself as a provider, among other things. I'm sure he would wonder what he isn't clued in about if he saw me with something, even a little something, on a regular basis from a male acquaintance. That's not to say my inner Suni wouldn't want some new shoes no matter the source, but…yeah, lol.

  • sawitcoming

    I have to be honest. I don't really care what my husband does – only how it affects me and our relationship. Let me explain: If he wants to f*ck on the side I don't care as long as 1) I never find out – discretion is paramount 2) it's not a woman in our circle of friends or family, especially family 3) the b*tch don't call, ever 4) I don't come down with an STD. Same with the strip club. If he wants to go, fine. I don't want to hear about it, not from him or anyone else – and it better not affect our sex life. So he is free to do as he pleases as long as it doesn't mess with me or us. And if that's not good enough, he is always free to walk.

  • http://www.opinionatedmale.com Mr SoBo

    No harm in going to adult entertainment clubs. As with anything else in life, it all boils down to healthy moderation. Blowing paycheck after paycheck weekly or quite frequently may be signs of a problem.
    Either way, its 'harmless' fun, depending on the individual of course. As mentioned in the article, some folks go there for more than just a show, while others take it for what it is…naked entertainment.

    Anyway, its all to easy to speak from the male side of things, because anything favorable to us, we generally consider harmless. The more interesting side of this discussion is how would the men feel if their women frequented the strip clubs quite regularly. Would that pose a problem or would that be just as harmless?

    Would we as men be as cavalier and comfortable with the idea of our woman stuffing dollars in random dude's drawz? It is to my understanding that those male strip clubs are not so tame and tend to get rather 'personal' with the female patrons. Particularly stage participation.
    I assume this might be a huge problem for many men with girlfriends.

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    • sawitcoming

      No man would be going for that at all. Most men can't even stand a guy chatting up or flirting with their woman let alone that. I've had clashes with the husband over his friends crushing on me, clothes I'm wearing that "make my boobs look too big" and so forth. So I already know the answer to that one.

  • dolograteful

    Would love to go with him. Even better hire a private dancer for my bday or something.

  • dolograteful

    I get turned on by the thought of my man with someone else or seeing him in the act with someone else. Would love for us to have another woman. But he isn’t all that into the idea. We do want marriage so maybe he will ease up to the idea after that.

  • morganthewriter

    I never really understood why strip clubs are so popular now. I think someone's going to have to enlighten me on this …
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    • sawitcoming

      Because rappers are always referencing strippers in their songs?

  • NewGirl

    I've always said I wouldn't be okay with having a man that frequents the strip club until I had a conversation with one of my married friends. She said she didn't care that he went because he would always come home ready to put it down for her. She liked that she didn't have to put in too much work to get him there, the strippers did that for her! I guess I get where she's coming from, and having been to a strip club myself (KOD) its really not that bad. It's kind of like a hood Cirque du Soleil.

  • J. Crawford

    This may not be about strip clubs, BUT, the context is EXACTLY the same:
    http://www.thisisyourconscience.com/2013/02/just-

    • Suni

      I don't think that piece is what the majority opposed to frequent strip club escapades think. Well, at least not me. That's why I included the bit about accepting things from other men in my post reply above.

      There some things that will always turn the opposite sex off, even if we don't voice it. If I came home with a brand new pair of [insert shoe designer here] every Friday from a guy friend, I would get MAJOR side eye from my guy, not to mention a not-so-subtle hint to have a stadium of seats. Not too long ago I came super close to accepting a TV from a male acquaintance who saw mine was on the blink and Scandal was about to come on (!!!), but said no. Why? My guy would feel some kinda way.

      Simply put I know a visual alone won't send him packing his bags, but frequenting a strip club would leave me feeling like I need to hit the gym double time and figure out how to ask if there's something wrong with me. I likewise wouldn't be surprised if he asked me what's up if I suddenly turned up with stuff from other guys. He may *know* in his brain he has nothing to worry about, but it wouldn't be fair of me to put him through such a mental and emotional obstacle course.

      Sorry for the novel…

  • KitKatCuty84

    I've never been to a strip club. I know my dude (and other dudes I dated in the past) has gone. I'm not attracted to a man who feels the need to go regularly, no matter what the drink or food specials. That's just unappealing to me, and I'd prefer to be with someone who's not trying to be there much outside of the occasional bachelor/stag party either. Make up whatever reasons you want; it's just not my thing and I wouldn't enjoy if it was my dude's thing.

  • KnottyGirl

    If it's not okay for you to blatantly stare at other women (I'm not saying you cant be attracted to other women, because let's be real we're all human) but if we are out, you're not going to stare at women and oogle them with your eyes for hours, because it's not right. Why does paying for it, when I'm not there, and when they have no clothes on suddenly make it okay? So you can hang out with your boys? Go to a bar, restaurant, each other's house, or sporting event.

    If it is truly harmless, then you all must also be okay if your girls/wives/daughters stripped for a living, after all its just men going there to hang out with their boys and get an innocent peep.

  • The CPT

    Newsflash…here in D.C. I hear about women frequenting strip clubs, Stadium (pictured) especially, than ever before. I just discussed with some co-workers that I meet more and more women open to strip clubs now than ever before. I decline to say what I'm really thinking…

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