Do Single Women Hold Any Responsibility for Not Pursuing Committed Men?

  • Share on Tumblr

modern relationships It seems like we can’t go a month without hearing about some well-known man cheating on his slightly lesser-known wife. As I wrote about before, I don’t think all men cheat. I don’t even think most men cheat, but I can’t ignore the overwhelming evidence that shows that some men cheat. Often times, we focus on trying to figure out why men cheat and how to keep men faithful – two points I won’t be addressing today just so you know. Instead, I want to figure out what type of women are these men cheating with or as someone blatantly asked me recently, are women attracted to unavailable men?

Yes, sort of.

We hear in detail about the lowly, unsuspecting wife suffering at the hands of her adulterous husband, but it’s rare anyone talks about the mistress(es). While the wife is usually ignorant of the cheating, the not so secret secret is the fact that most mistresses know all about the wife. Stated another way, the “side woman” usually knows there is a “main woman” in the man’s life (I only use these terms because all too many people are settling for a pseudo-“it’s complicated”-relationship over no relationship at all in the year of our Lord 2,013). It’s sad, but if the ever imploding relationships of celebrities – and their distant cousins, reality stars – have taught us anything, it’s the fact that most unfaithful men don’t have to lie to the woman they’re unfaithful with. It’s really no wonder why women find it difficult to even trust “good men.” After all, men aren’t doing themselves any favors.

As a man…read more.

WIM SigWhy do some women prefer unavailable men? Ladies, have you ever had a friend or foe that wasn’t interested in a man until they found out your official relationship status with him? Fellas, have you had experience with women not showing you any love until you started talking to their friend or got into a serious relationship?

  • Share on Tumblr

From Our Partners

  • Larry

    Good post and have nothing really more to add. I've garnered more attention when I was in a serious relationship before, but my then girlfriend would notice more than my oblivious behind would, lol.

    As an aside, while reading the comments over on MN I notice whenver Amber Rose is brought up in any kind of example in a post it seems to spark a certain level of…umm…interest, lol. Guaranteed 20 comments on Rose alone, lol. Smart tactic…keep the people talking! lol.

    • WisdomIsMisery

      That was a strategic move for a future post. I've actually got a post in the queue on the "Amber Roses" and "Michelle Obamas" of the world. Should be good times.

      • Larry

        I'll go ahead and get the bottled water, canned goods and flashlights ready for the bunker, lol.

  • http://www.OpinionatedMale.com Mr SoBo

    "…it might be more accurate to say women are attracted to what a committed man (usually) represents more than they are (usually) attracted to the man himself."

    Well said.
    Women who prefer unavailable men, or at least consistently find themselves being attracted to unavailable men, do so because…well…they like sh*t they can't have. Yes, that may seem like and oversimplified way of looking at it, but who says the answer needs to be complex?

    'Availability' can be a turn off if it is not balanced in the right fashion. Too much of it can seem like desperation. Too little of it can seem like fun. Why go for the fruit in arms reach, when you can climb and risk falling and breaking a leg for the very same fruit of equal size and sweetness that is hanging atop the tree? The adventure. The sense of accomplishment. The view. Some people are attracted the adventure and excitement the pursuit of the forbidden fruit brings.

    To some others, its a matter of ego: proving to oneself they can have this person break a commitment should they turn up the temptation a notch. For others, its a matter of finding out what the main woman is getting that she is not. And sometimes, the motivation can be simply out of spite. Or more reasonably, it is that said woman just doesn't a f*ck. The reasons are numerous, but not worth over-intellectualizing (especially when attempting to dissect chick logic).

    But one thing is for sure: a lack of available good men, however, is certainly not a reason. That right there, is nothing more than propaganda.
    My recent post And In Last Place, Here Comes Mr. Nice Guy,….Again

    • oh ok…

      Honestly, I think it all has something to do with the "fact" women are in constant competition w/ each other…#chicklogic101
      {SIDENOTE: And, also that women (&men) are just confused with understanding that there are two types of ppl:
      -Your subconscious type (no matter how average, friendly, unconventional)
      -Your conscious type (shallow, unattainable, distant but "sexy")}

      *I really think ppl just read too much into other folks lives and instead they should discover their own…*

  • Amicus

    IMO, what people perceive as a woman's preference for unavailable men has very little to do with the high caliber of men in relationships or the low caliber of single men in the playing field.

    Instead, I think the phenomenon stems from a woman's desire to be chosen from among many women as the most beautiful & desirable. More often than not, the one doing the choosing in our society is (unfortunately) a man. Consequently, a woman feels a rush of satisfaction when she is able to turn a man's head – b/c to her it means that she must be beautiful. Naturally, this rush is magnified ten fold when the man is already with another woman – b/c to her it means that she is more beautiful than others. Essentially, taking another woman's man means that the taker is so INCREDIBLY beautiful that he just had to have HER – at any cost. It's a very powerful feeling. I've been meaning to blog about it.

    Also, some of the comments on the madame noire post bothered me. I wish people would leave Amber Rose alone. There's nothing more wrong with her than with our first lady. We're all woman using what we have to make a place for ourselves in this Man's world.
    My recent post Are You OK With Your BF Frequenting Strip Clubs?

    • oh ok…

      "Naturally, this rush is magnified ten fold when the man is already with another woman – b/c to her it means that she is more beautiful than others."

      Exactly (._.) #sadBUTtrue

    • Smilez_920

      Agreed . I think until a women finds a certain sense of self she will always be in competition with other women. Women are raised to want to be the prettiest, to want to be desired , to want to be loved. Some women want this feeling by any means necessary .

      The thing is. With a lot of these situation where te man turns his head, he’s usaully tuning it just for sex, so then it becomes a fight between the two women about who has his heart and mind. Smh. Some women thrive off of the feeling , the thought thatbtheybare better than another women especially if the world thinks that women looks better than her.

      Women hold a certain personal responsibilty not to mess with taken men . ( ie: if the ish hit the fan , we don’t want to see any crocodile tears , you knew the deal). But ultimately the taken man holds the power , no different than the taken woman.

    • WisdomIsMisery

      The commenters on madame noire are an……interesting group.

      • Adonis

        @WIM, yes they are!

    • larnelw

      Very well put.
      And I agree with you comment about Amber Rose. It seems like that comment hit a sore spot on some of the women commenting over there. Makes me wonder if they have lost a battle for a mans heart to an "Amber Rose" in their past. They basically reduced her to having zero intelligence, education or usable skill. Vicious lol

  • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

    most women prefer unavailable men because they grew up with no dad. at a certain point they have to realize this fact and work to fix it rather than resting on the fact that they have something to blame which is coming up in a fatherless household. also got to talk about a society that pushes independent women that have no need for a man. so the perfect man for them is one that they have no use for because they can't access them.

    • Southerngyrl_

      Okay?

      Maybe that should be " SOME women prefer unavailable men…" .

      • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

        i understand what you mean but i said "most" in my original statement as to mean "not all"

        • Southerngyrl_

          Some means "not all" as well.

          By saying "most" you are implying that the majority of women have this preference.

        • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

          do you disagree with the first statement i made outside of the percentage that you think i'm implying or do you disagree with what i said completely?

        • Southerngyrl_

          No, I disagree with you saying "Most" as in the majority of women. Of course, even saying "some" is subjective. Some women may prefer unavailable men because they grew up without a father. I have not been a witness to this, but I can't rule it out because I don't know any personally.

          Some women also like anchovies too. I don't know any personally, but I am sure they are out there. You get what I am saying?

    • http://twitter.com/inomallday Shamira

      What's the logic behind this?

      I'm not being caustic, I'm sincerely asking. How does fatherless = desiring unavailable men? I need insight into the connection there.

      Beyond that, I take issue with the "most" qualifier being used. No one can claim to know what "most" women do…including women. "some women" or "most women that I have interacted with in some way that fit X parameters"…sure. But do you. *shrugs*

      P.S.: On a more than slightly unrelated note, can we stop using the term "fatherless" as an insult? We can be better. I know we can.

      • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

        fatherless = a man that you know is not there and you cant have in your life the way you want. unavailable = a man that you know is not there and you can't have in your life the way you want. it's the same dynamic. you grow up 23 years like that, no surprise you'll continue to pursue a similar relationship with other men that you meet. i say "most" and "fatherless" because that's what it is, i call it how i see it, not intended to disrespect. i understand why you might be offended by it, but it is what it is.

        • http://twitter.com/inomallday Shamira

          I didn't say you used the word fatherless as an insult. I'm just saying I hate when it's used as such. Hence the "slightly unrelated" portion of the comment. I just had to get the notion off my chest in general.

          But if it's the same dynamic, wouldn't it be something that you run away from, knowing that it's a negative? I still don't get the logic behind assuming women would by default repeat a negative circumstance that was out of their control. So if my daddy is lightskinned, does that mean I'm only going to be going after light skinned men? I just find that to be super simplistic and unaccomodating of host of other factors. In 2013 I don't think the father, or lack thereof, in your life is the sole determinant of what we find as desirable qualities in a mate. But that's just me.

        • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

          You run towards what is familiar because you're used to it and you understand it .. at least you think you do in your mind. Human nature has proven throughout the history of man that people will fear what they dont understand. If you fear something you will run away from it. So if you understand absent relationships with men, it makes sense that you will run towards that and away from what you don't understand … which is relationships with men that are actually there. About the light skinned daddy comment, I see that alot. The mother being an influence on the daughter … i could get deeper but I'll park it right there.

        • http://twitter.com/inomallday Shamira

          I thought a huge symptom in these so-called absentee father relationships was that they DIDN'T understand it…hence the confusion and alleged litany of issues that people claim to come about. (I dont entirely agree with this either but this is commonly stated). So why wouldn't they fear parallel relationships later in life? I think that you're failing to acknowledge that such an experience growing up could, at the very least, go one of two ways. You engage in dysfunctional relationships because that's all you know…or you fight like hell to make sure you never enter such a dynamic. And that is still being extremely simplistic. I really don't believe that women , fatherless or not can be broken into such base commonalities as you're asserting.

          Your argument fails to resonate with me, but I'll just let you rock.

        • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

          if it didnt resonate you wouldnt be responding. and that goes for southerngyrl too. what i've said so far is correct and its up to yall to accept it or not.

        • Chubb

          I do not follow your logic. I feel like being state of being fatherless and situation of pursuing/dating a man who is in a relationship with another woman is like comparing apples to oranges. Other than the fact they are both fruit, there is no other comparison. So, other than the woman/women who is/are the subject of your statement… I can't get behind your reasoning.

        • Chubb

          hat should read "I feel like the state of being fatherless." Sorry.

        • Chubb

          Okay, I should just give up on typing today. LOL. That should read "I feel like the state of being fatherless."

          GAH!

        • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

          your "feelings" are not the same as "facts" … your logic based on feelings isn't logic, its emotion

        • Chubb

          I never said that my "feeling" in this context was based in or on emotion. This is more like an opinion. At any rate, my previous comment still stands as is. Not having a father and pursuing a married/otherwise committed man are in no way comparable. My logic is based on the face value of those words.

          I mean, because based on what you've stated, the fact that my father passed when I was a small child, AND the fact that I am now fatherless, it should then follow that I may, at some point chase after a married/otherwise committed man. This is NOT logic. This is an ad hominem attack at best.

    • Skye

      It's true. Hard to admit but, none the less, true. SOME independent women just want a jump off with no strings attached. What better way to ensure no strings than to take one someone who is already all tied up. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of single men out there that these women can choose too but, that's not as guaranteed to be such an easy, mess free, non-relationship. Because men, are just like the ladies. They want what they can't have. And if you start a casual relationship with a single man, he's going to want more, to prove to himself that he can have you or at least have control. It gets very tiring.

      Also, if you know you're messing with a 'dog' so to speak, you're less likely to catch feelings for him. He's only good for one thing. And that thing can be tucked away or tossed to the side at a whim so you can carry on about your life.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    I find women like me when I’m in a relationship because they actually have a person to size themselves up to. If she feels she’s cuter, understands me better, etc she’s going after me. Plus at least I shown I’m willing to commit n sh t

    • Smilez_920

      Lol no body wants you until someone else has you ( like children with toys) My father told me ” it’s easier to eat a job when your already employed “.

      A lot of women don’t even want the man most of the time, they just don’t want to miss out on the perks. Women ( until they get to a certain place in life) tend to continualy size themselves up against other women, in all honesty ( no offense ) she might not even want you ( the man) she just cant understand why/ how this other woman got some man to treat her good when clearly ( in her mind) she is the better option ( beauty body, job , degree, house , car etc…)

      Some women live to envied . I mean there’s women who say the dress for other women, men are just the tool some women use to make other women envy, be jealous or feel lower than them. You could be taken, powerful or just a wanted man, your still just a piece in a self conscientious women’s game.

    • oh ok…

      Yup, is all a game.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    inversely I typically avoid committed women unless I truly feel something is there… otherwise I’m wrecking homes I have no intention to move into.

  • Kittenz

    I feel a mistress has no loyalty to the wife and it is the husband’s responsibility to shut it down. A lot of women like the idea of an unavailable man because there is this perception of masculinity that comes with a man that provides for his family. That’s why if a man is not married or never married by the age of 45, a lot women think something is wrong with him (and vice versa to be fair). Also, if you notice a lot of churches won’t consider a man for pastoral leadership unless he is married. There is just this perceived power and balance of a married man that turns a lot of women on. There are other factors that could possibly intice a woman to chase a taken man such as low self esteem, thrill of the challenge or simply just not caring about anyone else’s needs but hers.

    • AfterMath

      how much of that has to do with fear of homosexuality though?
      My recent post Nonogram Puzzles

      • Kittenz

        Fear of homosexuality? I'm not understanding.

        • AfterMath

          Our society has always has a bias against homosexuality. So some of the situations you mention, particularly like pastor of a church or head of a company, they tend to flock towards married men because they think of that as the "proof" that he's not gay. I look at recent politics in Florida and Charlie Crist was supposedly thought to be gay because he wasn't married at such an old age.

          …..but I don't want to digress on this topic too much, as its not really what WIM was talking about. Just something that came to mind when I read your comment.
          My recent post Nonogram Puzzles

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    Why do some women prefer unavailable men?

    For the same reason a kid isn't even thinking about one of their toys when they aren't playing with it, until one of their friends or siblings decides they want to play with it. They want a man because someone else wants him.

    Fellas, have you had experience with women not showing you any love until you started talking to their friend or got into a serious relationship?

    Yes. It's almost funny how some woman I've known for a while never said anything to me when I was single suddenly becomes all flirtatious when I'm with someone. One of my married friends said that his wedding ring must be an aphrodisiac.

  • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

    unavailable men includes: gay men, men currently in jail, men in relationships, married men, and men with alot of baby mamas.

  • Jill

    on days i wear my wedding bands, i get way more attention (business cards and alot more eye contact) than on the days i do not wear my rings. why i choose to take them off on some days is another topic, lol. Men also believes they can hit it & get buckwild sex without consequences. I believe the same with females. it isnt their lives being destroyed. they are getting whatever is being offered bills paid, vacations, clothing – whatever at no cost to them.

    but in the end we all lose

  • WisdomIsMisery

    why i choose to take them off on some days is another topic, lol.

    You're among friends here…do tell?

  • larnelw

    Women are in interesting species. Like most have already said, I too have never known women to be so friendly to me until I was in a visible serious relationship. It seems that even those who aren't actively or consciously trying to pursue an unavailable man still find themselves opening up or becoming more friendly with them. A wedding ring is truly a magnet. Whether its because of what it represents (fidelity, security, etc) or because it makes a woman feel that he is already taken so I dont have to wory about him chasing me, bottom line is it makes many (if not most) women act differently around men in relationships.
    A smart player looking for true no-strings attached "rendezvous" would buy himself a wedding ring. Guaranteed to find all the wrong women he is looking for lol

    • AfterMath

      "he is already taken so I dont have to wory about him chasing me"

      This is what I was thinking when I read it, or at least what I've seen from personal experiences. People who aren't chasing you are easier to be around because EVERYTHING's not about trying to get some. So I find it a lot easier to hang out with a woman I'm not interested in than one that I'm trying to get with. I'd think same goes for a woman and a married man or a man and a married woman. I'd think that it probably starts off small, like co-workers chatting innocently, then somebody makes a move or has too many drinks (seriously, I wonder why nobody's blamed alcohol yet) and then we're finding out that they do like each other, or they like what they're about to do.

      This is one of the reasons that, while I don't really like it, I can understand women who don't like their men having women friends.
      My recent post Nonogram Puzzles

  • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

    pardon me that first part of the sentence should be "do you agree"

  • Southerngyrl_

    I know that any time I am in a relationship, dudes come out of the woodwork. I mean, fine dudes. The only thing I can think of is "Why do you mock me Oh Lord?" (love the Simpsons). It never fails! It was so crazy to me. If I told guys that I had a boyfriend or was seeing someone, I got the "You can't have friends?" line, or my favorite "I just want to talk to you. What? He won't let you talk?" Huh?

    It is like people can smell or sense the satisfaction with your life and that A) Makes you seem hotter or B) Makes them want to attach themselves to that feeling as well. I think the same goes for women. Men in a relationship may seem "sexier" to them because of the state of their relationship OR she sees he is committed to someone else and feels she can have it too.

    It is like that Chris Rock joke when he says, a man will introduce his gf to his friend and the friend will say "I want a girl like that". A woman introduces her bf to her friend and her friend says "I want THAT man".

    Another option (C) could be that some of these women could be damaged/broken women. They see someone's happy home and nothing makes them feel better than to prove that the couple's life isn't perfect. Sometimes she doesn't even like the man. She just has a point to prove. Me, I have known chicks A, B and C. Chick "C" is a crazy heffa.

  • GirlSixx

    "Why do some women prefer unavailable men?"

    Basically for some women, they want a man (for the perks/fun times) without actually having to put in the work (commitment/accountability/expectations/responsibility) of having one, so when an unavailable man comes along it's a win win situation because she knows his time is limited and he can't demand no more of her than what he is available to give of himself which also makes it easier for her to see other men if she chooses to.

    Also when a woman see an unavailable man, especially a married man she automatically assumes he must be responsible, mature, handles his business on the home front (good provider) which is something alot of women want in a man and she thinks he will be the same way with her.

    • Bree

      "Also when a woman see an unavailable man, especially a married man she automatically assumes he must be responsible, mature, handles his business on the home front (good provider) which is something alot of women want in a man and she thinks he will be the same way with her."
      This hit the nail on the proverbial head. People always want what they can't/don't have.

  • AfterMath

    Didn't Naughty By Nature do a song about this?
    My recent post Nonogram Puzzles

  • SMilez_920

    I remember when Uggs first became really popular when I was in high school. It was weird because when people saw them in the store, most passed by them, looked at them but didn’t give it too much of a second though or flat out called them ugly. Then a few weeks went by and a few girls came to school with them on with a nice outfit and other girls were like “o0o that’s how they looked dressed up”. Fast forward there were two types of girls in the group, the girls who like the Uggs but went to see if they could find them in another color/style and then the group that wanted the exact same ones the girls they saw had on their feet (color, style size dirt mark.).

    Basically it’s the same thing with the unavailable guy. Sometimes you don’t know what to do with him/ where he would fit or what he would go with, until you see him with someone else (dressed up).Then You can be like the one group of the women that admire his qualities but want to find a man of ytheir own that can replicate those actions or like the other group of women who want that exact man, no matter if he’s taken or not.

  • cynicaloptmst81

    Two things:

    1. Basic Attraction. When you're in a relationship, you look happy, relaxed, confident, etc. That, in itself, is more attractive. People who are looking for relationship want partners who are happy, relaxed, and confident…so they pursue it. Both sexes tend to get more hollas when in relas, I think.

    2. What person really, REALLY wants someone that no one else wants? LOL. It's almost an insult to your taste buds that no one's checking for your partner. Women pursue men who are wanted because they believe they are wanted for reason's that can benefit them.

    • oh ok…

      "When you're in a relationship, you look happy, relaxed, confident, etc."
      it's funny because I was basically like this B4 my relationship that Im in now…
      I think thats the real key to finding a mate/date.

    • Bree

      Cosign 100++ on that Cyn

  • X's Dad

    But the initial question (and topic of this discussion) is do single women hold any responsibility for not pursuing committed men? Yes they do, IMO. So what if he looks happy and confident. That man is taken, committed or married. Leave him alone. I mean there are men out there that would go if tempted enough. But the accountability has to start somewhere. How many times is this man supposed to shoot down this fine azz woman that continually throws the goods his way?

    • curlygirl

      'How many times is this man supposed to shoot down this fine azz woman that continually throws the goods his way? '

      As many times as it takes. I don't think single women hold any responsibility because they are not the ones in a relationship. When two people decide to be in a relationship exclusively, that agreement is between the two of them. They promised, took vows, signed papers whatever. I don't have to honor a commitment someone else made. It's the responsibility of the two people in the agreement to uphold their end of the deal.

      • Uncle Hugh, BP

        curlygirl: "I don't think single women hold any responsibility because they are not the ones in a relationship."

        I completely disagree. That's like someone stealing from a store that doesn't have security cameras, alarms or tags on the merchandise. You're still a thief no matter how easy the store owner made it to take their stuff.

        The woman may not have any responsibility in that relationship, but she still crept with someone who was taken. She consciously decided to sleep with an involved/married man. That's on her.

        • curlygirl

          there's no such thing as "stealing" a man. He goes willingly. You don't blame the donut if you go off your diet. If you're around a woman that doesn't respect your relationship, and you're tempted then you need to remove yourself from her presence. If a man in "unavailable" then he needs to present himself that way and actually be "unavailable". I don't personally agree with women who seek out men who are already in relationships, but I don't hold them responsible if a man steps out and is with them. If he's not available then why is he with her?

        • Uncle Hugh, BP

          I agree 100% with "there's no such thing as "stealing" a man", but that's not the point. I'm referring to her not holding "any responsibility". The question asked is looking only at the woman here. When we are looking at HER, his infidelity isn't an issue. You only control your actions.

          Just as no woman can make a "committed" man cheat, no man can make a woman sleep with him. She said to herself, "well, he's likely going to cheat anyway, so it may as well be with me!" No, she has the option of not being involved with him at all, and she made the deliberate and conscious decision to be the other woman.

          We tacitly agree because you don't personally agree with those women. If sleeping with men in relationships don't violate a person's moral code, then in their eyes they aren't doing anything wrong.

        • curlygirl

          what is she responsible for?

        • Uncle Hugh, BP

          She is responsible for who she sleeps with.

          Again, if she doesn't think sleeping with men in relationships is wrong, to her it's not. But if someone calls her a homewrecking h0e-bag, she can't get mad because the description fits. She could have stayed out of it and let some other HHB break up that particular relationship/marriage.

  • X's Dad

    I guess…..

  • Darrk Gable

    My take is always a bit skewed in this situation. I still say mostly it's on the man because he knows what'sat stake IF he falters. His best bet is try to avoid putting himself in situations where a woman of nefarious intentions can get to him. People sometimes want to absolve men of intelligence, but we're smart enough to know when some ish could possibly go down. All this being said, the woman who pursues a committed man is equally to blame. Whatever her reasons, she is responsible for her actions and blaming her alone is shortsighted at best. As the saying goes, it takes two to Tango, so if he bears some blame, the outside woman does as well.

  • SheenaB

    Im a bit of a lurker on this site and MN. I read this piece on MN first. It’s like all the bitter birds (most of which are single from what I have gathered) of the world join forces and meet daily on that site. The high amount of misandry is deplorable among comments geared towards men. I couldn’t help but laugh at the Amber Rose/Michelle Obama debate that ensued out of no where. How do women ask of a mans opinion on popular topics, get the answer, and go off about how wrong it is? It’s the mans truth. How do you get mad at someone else’s truth? Anyway, I think this was a well versed read and summed up nicely.

  • http://www.aworknprogress.com Diana

    In the words of Linnethia "Nene" Leakes, "close your legs to married men." Mouth pop and finger snap! Not to get on a moral high horse, but I've never sought after a married man (or one in a relationship.) In fact as I get older, I stay checking for that ring on the left finger whenever I see a cutie. And I keep it moving when I see one. That's just me though. Maybe it's because I'm a Leo and I don't want to come in second. And I've seen friends have "affairs" and I don't care how many "date nights" or weekends at the hotel you get, you're second. Period. Point blank.

    But married men have flirted with me, propositioned me, wanted to meet me alone and even though it can be an ego boost, I dismiss them. Cause to quote the other prophetess, Erykah Badu, "I don't want him if he ain't made no arrangement with you. And you don't need him cause the boy ain't ready…. I hope you woulda done the same thing for me too."

    So can single women (or people) "steal" someone away from a relationship? Meh. Do they play a part? Me thinks so. My parents have been married almost 40 years – and I don't know the ins and outs of their marriage, but from my daddy I learned that it's about choices. As a married person, you make a choice to say no and be faithful. You make a choice to come home. You make a choice to stay. You make a choice to work it out. I think it's the same for single people in the sense that you make a choice to engage in what you know is some foolery. You can try to justify it. Or explain it. Or blame it on a myriad of issues (didn't someone write a post a few weeks ago about personal responsibility?!) But you made a choice. And there will probably be consequences.
    My recent post Monday Musings: What It Means to Me

  • Adonis

    Idk man, i am not a moralist, and I am not above smanging any man’s wife/mistress.

    I take responsibility for all that.

    I see most women as small children, so I won’t charge her to being accountable like I would do a man. You just got to give them some direction.

  • Nolan Voyd

    Why do some women prefer unavailable men?

    Don't know. A female friend told me that it (supposedly) means that he's got some money and his junk works.

  • Kopa

    I never understood why someone, a man or a woman, would want to be with someone else's man/woman. Not only is it superbly selfish (lack of empathy much?), it's also really stupid. You choose to be in a relationship with a cheater. Why? I just don't get it.

  • MaggK

    Like i always say: How a cheater could stay a cheater if there is no one to cheat with? As women we have to do better… You know you aint becoming official anyway. Do you really wanna stay the sidechick forever?!
    It's super fun and all to get the attention of an unavailable man (It really is lol) but just keep it movin'… Find your own!!!!
    And men do the exact same thing -_-'! They all want me when i'm in a relationship! i mean really? I was pathetic partying every weekend. Hello, i was just there, how come you haven't noticed me?!
    LOL!

  • Nas

    Hmm (devils advocate coming along lol) I do believe that single men/women share a responsibility in homewrecking, BUT "all is fair in love and war" right? We all would hate to be THAT man/woman to steal somebody away, but what if your intentions were to really pursue a genuine long-term relationship….is it really that wrong? I would steal Paula Patton away any day… AND KEEP DAT!! lol jk..not really…well

  • Pingback: A Man In A Relationship Is Far More Attractive Than A Man Who Is Not « From Ashy to Classy()

  • meme

    The reality is very complicated. Some fatherless woman, gravitate to unavailable men. But A> if a man has a woman, he shouldn't be looking for another woman, and she knowing he's married shouldn't be dealing with him. But, and there are a lot of buts. Said man, could lie for a very long time about his relationship status. B. I have standards and I'm single, now I don't have unrealistic expectations. But as male friend of mine put it. There are a lot of woman, black women with no standards, they take any and everything-they have babies and baby daddies and they are rarely alone. I don't have babies or baby daddies, work everyday and support myself, is it too hard to ask for a man that doesn't think I'm his mamma and want to suck my tit and lay on the couch and do nothing, and I'm supposed to except that because I want a man, Well, I guess i'm just find me a white man.

  • Young Heaux

    A better question might be: are men in committed relationships more attractive to women? And if so, why? There, you might find your answer.

  • SoVeryTrue

    so many women today do cheat much more than men do, and that is why it is so very hard for us men to meet a good woman today to commit too.

  • donovanski

    Absent father is probably one factor in choosing only partially available lovers. Other factors may include that such men qualify on several key points, such as: being worthy of a relationship; having a nice major flaw to iron out (unfaithful) and generally being somewhat of a romantic challenge rather than a (for these women) boring "lived happily ever after" type of romance.