What You Need to Know About (Male) Relationship Experts

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male relationship expert

F*ck love. I need to be a relationship expert. Where’s my corduroy jacket…

A couple weeks ago, I got an email from a PR person pushing another relationship expert. I should’ve known when I looked at the janky subject line that I was in for some comedy:

“Press Release: The [Rude Dude's] Guide To Dating (Please Post To Your Site)”

First off, you don’t tell someone you have no relationship with to just post something to their site. In general, you don’t tell someone to do something when you have no history. It’s just bad for business. But because I was humored, I opened the email to see what kinda Comic Sans nonsense awaited me. And much to my amazement, there was an ad for a relationship DVD telling women all about the many things they need to do to get a man.

Come along, and ride on up…two thousand seven.

I’m tired of these promotions. Ever since Steve Harvey put out his book, men have been clamoring for the greenbacks by capitalizing on the singledom of women who don’t know any better. And of course when I say men, I don’t mean all men. But there are enough out there attempting to take over the relationship game by spewing the random thoughts they’ve compiled in their basements, that it makes me wanna attempt field goals with kittens. I scrolled through the email and was even less impressed.

Professional photos aren’t meant to be taken with an iPhone near a bridge. They also aren’t meant to be imported into Microsoft Word and emphasized with WordArt. Credibility it does not build. Dreams it may defer. But I kept on reading despite the tweed jacket. eggplant-colored tee, and doughboy…everything. That’s what’s supposed to lure you in. That’s what’s supposed to get them your hard-earned money. And yet, I clicked on.

I ended up on a website with relationship mixtapes. Yes, mixtapes. Like,  LPs of the proposed male-mind intricacies and what you need to do to step your game up. I even saw an ad with Word squigglies under a typo…in a jpeg. Winning.

I tell you this not because I’m in the business of slamming fledgling relationship experts. I tell you this because there’s a lot to be learned from this fad. A lot to learn about what it requires to really coach someone on what it takes to find and maintain his or her love life. There are also questions. Questions commonly discussed when it comes to the Steve’s and Tyrese’s of the world. Here are some of the most popular ones:

Should (Male) Relationship Experts Be in Relationships?

No. To speak effectively on relationships, you don’t need to be in a relationship. Life happens. Things fall apart. Feelings fade away. Even the most knowledgeable in their fields have mishaps. Success is birthed by failure. Wisdom comes out too. There’s a good chance you’ve advised a friend based on mistakes you’ve made. I think it’s fair for relationship experts to do the same. But just because you have dating experience doesn’t mean you’re an expert. It means you have an opinion. You need to go a little further for that title.

Should (Male) Relationship Experts Be Certified?

Yes. Any field worth giving a damn about should have standards. And where there are established standards, there are usually certifications. As I said last week on BnB Radio, relationship “experts” are often certified life coaches. The most successful (and credible) have went through a rigorous curriculum and passed one or a series of exams to show they’re committed to their field and possess a certain level of knowledge.

Other that life coaching certification, you’ll find that real relationship experts are often academically credentialed. They will be Masters of Social Work, Psychology, and/or Sociology. If you want to know if someone’s for real or just for money, find out how much time they spent developing their expertise. Someone that just rolls out of bed and onto their couch before proclaiming their greatness is not an expert.

Should (Male) Relationship Experts Be Attractive?

Now this is a question I’ve went back and forth on. Women are a lot more likely to take relationship advice from {Insert Attractive Man} than {Insert Aesthetically Deficient Man}. Men seeking relationship advice may be more likely to take advice from an average dude that’s made it happen with women than a genetically enhanced lad who just needs to show up to win the game. Confidence plays its role, but I think looks — depending on the sex — play a bigger one, at least when it comes to syphoning your bank account for relationship advice.

So, do the experts need to be attractive? No. But the greater your attractiveness, the higher your perceived credibility…unless you’re a celebrity.

Should (Male) Relationship Experts Be Directing Their Services Toward Women?

Yes.

Here’s the thing; a relationship expert could spend his his or her time marketing to men, but why would you offer your supply where there’s limited demand? For the greater good of mankind? Male relationship coaches ain’t trying to be Jesus. Particularly online, where women are more active unless it involves sports, rap, beer, or models.

Relationship and life coaches want to help people, but they also wanna make money. (Show me a broke coach and I’ll show you who you don’t trust.)

You could say the same of all these other men in varying quality blazers pushing product with limited credentials. But there’s a difference:

A real relationship expert gets paid to make lives better. A false prophet gets paid to make money.

Ladies and gents, what say you on this topic of (male) relationship experts? Anything else you expect or not expect from the love oracles? Do you believe someone can even be an expert in relationships? Share your thoughts in the comments. 

slim jackson

Twitter: @slimjackson

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  • Kc

    Relationship(experts)artist.
    Are just people like myself with a second opinion
    on other people’s situations or scenario. Nothing more or less.
    People who pay for an experts opinion should not be in a relationship.
    Base on the fact, they can not trust their own judgment. And seek help on how to
    attract someone they want is not realistic. Natural chemistry is real if you have no mental issues.
    Opinions should be free! Expert just means experience. If you get some, you wouldn’t have to pay!

  • AfterMath

    Maybe its just me, but I really don't like the term "expert". I feel like it creates a sense of a false positive as if claiming to be so means that you'll have some kind of a great understanding of everything related to said subject. I mean, a person can have all the credentials you name, but in the end all they're giving me is their opinion. And its not like this is a science where we've got to live by certain laws. Yeah, relationships go by "laws", but just like the post yesterday hinted at, if we go into it assuming that the "laws" from our past relationship are still in effect then its not likely to be a long relationship.

    And what are the goals of a relationship expert? Are they seeking a better understanding of how relationships work? Are they testing theories on relationships? Are they trying to start a movement against concepts they've hated all their life? I don't know, but when I read these articles I think of it in the same realm as the advice I get at the barber shop or church. There are a few wise words, but a lot of mumbo jumbo and assumptions that don't really apply to me and my life.
    My recent post Nonogram Puzzles

  • Adonis

    I am glad we brought this topic up. Let us keep it 1 Million.

    My two favorite relationship experts I would trust with my LIFE, is David DeAngelo of DoubleYourDating (for MEN), and Tariq Nasheed of MackLessonsRadio (For MEN & WOMEN).

    You follow them to the letter you will get results. And if Slim Jackson was to come out with a book/DVD/podcast that would improve my life in any facet, I would pay top dollar for it.

    For the record, I have not been keeping up with the Good Doctor J lately, but I trust 98% of what he says is GOLD. Free azz Laundry was life changing.

    There is no such thing as a FEMALE relationship expert. I don't care what her credentials are, what rigorous training she has been through. I do not expect women to lead men or women into situation where they can get what they want from either gender. chex, money or marriage.

    A woman's nature at her core is not really out to help people.

    I know I am gonna get hate for that statement, but I have been a "troll" for years now, you know how I roll.

    ——————————————————————————————-

    Now that we got that out of the way. Any MALE relationship expert that can make it onto the MainStream media airwaves (with the exception of Tariq Nasheed, because I didn't know he was on TV like that until recently.) cannot be trusted.

    I LOVE Steve Harvey as an entertainer, and what he says in his book & in his daytime TV show is legit, but because TV today mostly caters to women (to entertain, not to help her get what she wants from her love partner), you are gonna get alot of fluff & BS.

    So, Paul Brunson (your boy SJ), Tyrese, Rev Run, John Gray, Dr. Phil are OUT!!! I am sure I can get value from these guys hanging out with them in person (you included SJ) but on TV, no way.

    All that being said, when we are dealing with men who aspire to be relationship experts or coaches, we need to thoroughly investigate them to see what kind of results they have gotten for their consumers.

    SSTTE. Mamba Out.

    • amaris79

      "A woman's nature at her core is not really out to help people."

      Explain maternal instinct, and the assumption that mothers are better equipped to care for children.
      Also, foster mothers.
      The female-dominated healthcare industry at below management level.
      Also, teachers.

      • Adonis

        @amaris79

        You insinuate women do all these things from a selfless POV.

        When women are satisfying their maternal instinct, they are not doing it for the good of society, it is a itch she needs to scratch to keep humanity going.

        Same applies to all your examples.

        But in the context of dating & relationships, women are not going to create competition for themselves. Also women lack discipline collectively. But that goes without saying.

        And women collectively do not understand women the way she would relate to a man. An experienced man knows women better than themselves.

        So, a woman is not going to admit she likes to be spanked. A woman is not going to admit she likes to be checked by the man she loves when she is out of line. At least Maxine was able to admit it.

        That’s all for now.

        • kiesh

          Huh? How long have you been a woman?

  • Smilez_920

    1) the relationship advice game is over crowded from all sides. Too many hands in the pot.

    2) the advice isn’t even coming from genuine good guys, but from a-holes , losers, and men who don’t even like women ( not gay men, but men whose actions and words show their hater for women ).

    3) the ” advice ” went from being constructive criticism to just another way to year down women ( especially black women’s ) character. I’m all for keep it funky and letting people know when they made a bad choice , but some dudes really use these advice columns as a way to be passive aggressive towards women who probably don’t want them.

    4) too many men who aren’t , have never been and don’t plan on making the steps to being healthy people and creating healthy relationships, are giving out this advice.

    5) in all honesty women home the key , to getting rid of these ” male relationship experts”, not all if them are bad but the ones who use the title ” relationship exert” just to spew garbage need to be done with. Ladies don’t follow them, don’t retweet them or give them any free PR. At this point I just take these fake experts with a grain of salt .

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    “I even saw an ad with Word squigglies under a typo…in a jpeg. Winning.”

    Done.

    I just don’t buy into relationship “experts” period. Relationships are so different that no one can honestly assess it. An expert can nudge you in the right direction to finding a man, but what happens when you have him, he crying over a fantasy football game and you have no idea what to do? Anyone can give advice, it’s easy to think rationally when there’s no consequence,.go up to her and kiss her, I’m not getting slapped. Also love is one of those precious things that become cheapened by money. No matter how passionate about the craft you are, if you profit it is diminished.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    That’s kinda my point, how another chooses to embrace you is not an exact science. It’s all opinion and projections, I can tell a woman exactly what I want, there isn’t a book/DVD/seminar in existence that can guarantee I will love her forever.

    • CrayolaGirl

      Love this comment!

  • Tunde

    considering that every relationship is different i doubt there's a relationship expert/coach who can tell the next person what to do to find love. people need to work on themselves and the rest will surely follow.
    My recent post Not Everything Is Ok In Black America, But What’s Next?

    • Adonis

      @Tunde

      I beg to differ. I know human being like to think of themselves as snowflakes, but from heterosexual, to the transgender, there are a lot of core concepts that overlap when human being interact, and then you get to tailor it specifically to the couple.

  • cynicaloptmst81

    "…that it makes me wanna attempt field goals with kittens." <— HA!

    "Professional photos aren’t meant to be taken with an iPhone near a bridge. They also aren’t meant to be imported into Microsoft Word and emphasized with WordArt. Credibility it does not build. Dreams it may defer. But I kept on reading despite the tweed jacket. eggplant-colored tee, and doughboy…everything. That’s what’s supposed to lure you in. That’s what’s supposed to get them your hard-earned money." "I ended up on a website with relationship mixtapes." "I even saw an ad with Word squigglies under a typo…in a jpeg." <—– BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Makes you wonder if folks have any real friends, doesn't it? Like nobody who really loves you saw this and advised against it? Nobody said that your presentation was NOT 5-star quality? That's sad, lol. Your friends ain't really your friends. Wasn't there a post about this? LOL…smh.

  • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

    This right here… A real relationship expert gets paid to make lives better. A false prophet gets paid to make money.

    Interesting perspective. I look at “relationship experts” the same way I look at rappers – for entertainment purposes only. At the same time, I can’t judge a rapper / relationship expert for hustling ignorance if the people keep buying it. The real experts aka “conscious rappers” don’t make any money, as you noted. Therefore, should they deliver good content that won’t be read, processed, or purchased y the masses or do they go the route of what sells? That’s a personal choice but I think the blame falls as much on the false prophet as the ignorant follower.

    To be clear, though I have (incorrectly) been called a “relationship expert” simply because I sometimes give my opinion on relationships I have never claimed to be one myself. All I have ever maintained – and continue to maintain – is that I am a guy with an opinion and common sense. I’ve been trained to objectively analyze facts and draw conclusions, because that’s what I do for a living. The problem with relationships, and by default “relationship experts,” is there is no objective measurement or formula to gurantee success in dating or any one relationship. Anyone who claims differently is a liar and frankly, anyone who believes them is an idiot. However, technically speaking, almost everything – including most facts (we once thought the earth was flat, mind you) – is an opinion; there is only differing degrees of educated opinions. As a writer, no more or less, I pride myself in developing opinions based on facts; instead of like many writers who develop “facts” based on opinions. Honestly, the latter is why the writing game (in many genres, not just relationhips) is so messed up right now.

    ….in my opinion lol

    - sent from iPhone

    • Bree

      "is that I am a guy with an opinion and common sense" Wis might I also add "educated opinion" that makes a huge difference. We all have opinions. The educated ones are the ones worth bending your ear to. an "educated opinion and common sense" are the root of all you really need.

  • Bree

    The Real Expert, is God. ijs.
    The whole "life coach" and "relationship expert" is really overrated at this point.
    A friend of mine is a life coach. I respect and believe in her because she did go to school and take classes and is a certified relationship coach. She is also very "seasoned" and has many many many years of life experience. She is in her late 50s and been married twice, divorced once. She does not consider herself an expert at all, simply a coach. Her job and her goal is to coach people in life to be their very best and live their very best life; much like a football or basketball coach. I think we all could use a really good life coach from time to time. We all could use some guidance and direction and someone to give us tips and pointers on how to deal with lifes ups, downs and trials and tribulations. Someone with twice the life experience that we have. Someone who's "been there, done that, and has t-shirts." Someone who has been through stuff we may be going through and can make our journey easier. I see nothing wrong with really good life coaches. I'm not partial to so called "experts."

  • Dr. J

    I did the whole certified life coach thing and I also did relationship coaching for a few friends with great results. I think that you can be a relationship expert but most relationship experts won't be liked because it's an oxymoron. Relationship, that's an emotional connection. Expert, that's a scientific connection. When you try and bridge the two you have to insert a scientific aspect into a emotional connection and i'll give you an example from my experience. (mentioned this on twitter a few days ago)

    My friend complains that she can't meet men and is single and is unhappy about that. (It's important to note that being single doesn't mean you're unhappy, but if you are unhappy then it's a problem for you.) OK so I tell her to stop going out so much and start emulating the actions of a woman in a serious relationship. Moreover, if she didn't know what that really was or how to do that, to reach out to women who are and emulate their actions. She argues that there's no evidence to suggest people don't meet in the club. I tell her, that's true, I've met women in the club, I've also dated women who are socialites but the numbers say that women who are always out in the streets have a hard time finding men who want to commit to them because of their lifestyle.

    It's simply numbers, if the majority of the women who get "chose" aren't frequenting the streets, why would you do it and then hope to be the exception? It seems you would do things that have a high probability of achieving your outcome.

    But then again, nobody wants to hear that. They hate the relationship expert. They'd rather have someone who tells them what they want to hear that is, "Honey, just keep being you and sooner or later the right guy will come along for you."

    This then creates a dynamic where you have people giving your real advice and then preferred advice. It confuses the hell out of women. And the inverse of this situation is true too. Female experts can do it too. That's why it's really hard to ever have a relationship expert, the market is too saturated and the real experts are often overlooked because of their "delivery." (Those of you who have been around for a long time will know why I chose the word, "delivery.")

    • amaris79

      I kinda disagree with the third paragraph. People by nature do not seek advice for the purpose of being told they were always right. HOWEVER, even when seeking advice, it is the nature of the human to resist change. A woman resisting not going to the club-even if it will do her good- is no different than the man who stubbornly holds out on getting rid of the old #SingleMan couch-even if it smells & they have refurnished the rest of the crib as a couple. What "people want to hear" is that they'd be able to have success using the path of least resistance. That's a human problem, not a female one.

      • Dr. J

        Yeah it is a human problem, I didn't indicate it was solely a woman's problem.

      • Smilez_920

        I agree with Amaris about the third paragraph (it’s a people thing not a woman thing), but I agree with you on everything else basically. The same people who complain about these male relationship experts go out their way to click on their blog (free hits) to read the articles they hate, to critic and complain and basically give the guy free publicity.

        The biggest problem with the relationship expert arena is that no balance exists within the advice being given. It’s like you have male relationship experts on one side of the extreme and women relationship experts on the other (only a few from both groups fall in that middle space).

        • Bree

          Women are more likely to take relationship advice from men though.
          Men have a "Cash Cow" with this little relationship advice business they got goin for them.
          Honestly I'm not even mad at em. They are just taking advantage of a golden business opportunity. Something very saavy business-people do all the time. If the women didn't buy into everything men preached and teached like it was the gospel straight out of the bible then men wouldn't make money at it and they would stop. Women are the root of why men are so successful at this particular niche. We gotta take a good, long hard look in the mirror.

  • amaris79

    "The Millionaire Matchmaker" & "Tough Love" were shows I enjoyed watching when I had a TV. Why? Because Patti solely gave advice on who you would need to become to attract a specific "niche" dude and pulled zero punch (she advises redheads to go blonde and does not allow curly hair through the door, for example), and the Tough Love guy focused on tools to prepare you emotionally to attract a relationship (aka "become what you want to attract").
    My point?
    I don't really believe in "relationship experts" at ALL. Each relationship has it's own nuances and blanket advice in those cases can actually be harmful. For every heart saved by "he's just not that into you", I'd bet there's three relationships it broke up because some girl took a missed call the wrong way. What I DO respect are people who help you be your best self to prepare you to attract the kind of love you want, OR. people who tell you who YOU need to become to attract a specific "TYPE" (in which, blanket statements would be helpful).

    • Bree

      Exactly Amaris. Patti wasn't always batting a thousand, but she was entertaining. I really liked Steve because for the most part he was right on. Who better than a guy see the flaws through a mans eyes of all the women on the show. And the women who didn't make a "love connection" he helped them realize it's not always about "getting the man" as if he is a prize. Its about self reflection and personal growth. It's about working on your issues and the things that keep you from attracting and/or keeping your ideal mate. It's about what you learn and achieve on your journey. That can be just as or more important than reaching your destination. Those women learned a lot about themselves and through Steve they learned how to get over themselves, their hangups, and let go of the drama and be better women who were able to more easily attract and get along with the men they wanted.
      I especially loved the episode where he had the women go on dates with men who didn't speak english.
      That was definitely an eye opener for them and they seemed to learn a lot from that experience.

    • Smilez_920

      I actually enjoyed Tough love. The show focused more on fixing the personal issues the women had on the inside, rather than just trying to hook them up with a man. You attract what you feel and think you deserve. He tried to change they way they viewed and though about themselves so they could choose better men to let into their lives.

      • Bree

        Exactly Smilez. That is exactly what those women needed to have a successful long-lasting relationship with any man.

  • Bree

    The thing many folks seem to often forget is "Love has no rhyme or reason" and there are no guarantees. There is no sure fire 100% guaranteed way to meet the love of your life. You can take the best advice and still not meet anyone for over a year or you meet people and it pan out to nothing, or you can meet someone who seems to be "the one" at that time and the relationship doesn't withstand the test of time.
    I'm not being pessimistic, just Realistic.

  • Bree

    Even so called "experts" don't know everything and can not have any advice for you if your situation is too unique and different and they've never ever heard of much less experienced it before. Many people in relationships aren't happy and/or who are in relationships often can't get the longevity the desire because they have a lot of internal issues that need to be worked on before they can get along with and live with another person for a lifetime; and have another person live with and be with them for a lifetime. Getting into relationships is one thing. What people really wanna know is how to "Make It Last Forever." Thats where we have problems. They also wanna know how to maintain the fire & desire and passion that is sometimes there in the beginning.
    This new trend of men selling women advice and capitalizing off of it big time at the expense of all the "thirsty" desperate and naive women of the world is business, not personal for men.
    Women perpetuate this by buying the books and DVD's. Like they say, "don't hate the player, hate the game." "If you don't like the game, change it."

  • Poetic Justice

    IMO, you and your partner should be the only experts on your relationship; that's what makes you soulmates. I think we give too much power to "relationship experts" and to tricks and gimics to secure the relationships we want because we don't want to face the fact that we need to first be experts of ourselves before we can have that successful relationship with someone else.
    Relationship experts just aren't for me… One day when my partner is old and too blind to see if I'm wearing my hair a certain way, too deaf to hear if I communicated my feelings properly and too senile to realize I didn't nag him to accomplish an overdue task.. I want him to smile with accomplishment knowing he shared a life with a soulmate he genuinely knew and understood… nobody can help him accomplish that but me.

  • https://www.facebook.com/AnthonyBrianLogan Anthony Brian Logan

    nobody can be an expert in relationships because each individual is a person unto themselves. what may work for one may not work for the other and vice versa.

  • warrenaz

    You have to have a few letters behind your name and accepted by my insurance company for me to take you seriously as far as interpersonal relationships are concerned. If you haven't bothered to invest the money and time into getting the credentials then I can assume your advice will be just as lazy.

  • http://www.OpinionatedMale.com Mr SoBo

    I find it very difficult to imagine that it is even remotely possible for someone to be an 'expert in relationships'. How is that accomplished? What does that even mean?

    I think in the realm of dating, one can become proficient at attracting the opposite sex and being successful in the short-term. To that, I can attribute the accolade of expertise. However, anything beyond that pertaining to the maintenance and unpredictable evolution or devolution of the relationship is so nuanced and based on so many variables(i.e. personalities), it is impossible to predict or even replicate long-term success.

    One can be an expert cocksman with the ability to charm and bed women with ease, but to be a true relationship expert…how is that even measured? # of marriages a person has? # of previous relationships? In both instances, they would have had to have a track record of failure. EIther that person doesn't take their own advice, or they have not a clue. However, I agree with failure comes lessons, growth and wisdom that one can certainly impart upon another. But relationship expert? Nah. No such thing. Relationship Advisor? Perhaps.

    I also disagree with the notion of being certified to impart what life teaches for free. No schoolbook and studies in a classroom can teach you anything about dating and the human condition more than actually going out there, actively socializing and experiencing human interaction first hand for yourself. Life is the professor and the best teacher. The problem is many people are poor life students yet are attempting to teach what they do not know and understand. Anyone looking for help should develop a keen sense of smell to sniff out the capitalist who don't know sh*t, from the capitalist who do have a clue. Due diligence.

    Mr. SoBo.
    OpinionatedMale.com

    My recent post Hoodrats &amp; Headwraps: The Romeo and Juliet of An Era

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  • http://www.petersburgh.wordpress.com petersburgh

    I agree with Slim here. Unless you are accredited, you're just someone with an opinion that may or may not be better than a real relationship coach. Some people do need guidance so yes I believe they are very important but everyone knocking on your door with a bible and the good news ain't a preacher

    My recent post UPDATE!!!!!!!

  • CHeeKZ Money

    Love this post, classic Slim. Always killing Kittens. I would point out that there are some awesome guy oriented relationship advice. Most of it is targeted at helping men approach women, not necessarily the actually relationship. But I think that goes to show you want men worry about vs what womenfolk have on their mind. I find the guys at Simplepickupdotcom to be hilarious and encouraging. Other guys tend to be more prank based almost like they are trying to take advantage.

  • http://www.opinionatedmale.com cortonio

    good post, but at the end of the day a relationship expert has to be someone who has not only been thre and done that but also be objective. And I giess it depends of you and your current situation because if you're single, or have a girl asking a married man isn't always the best advice and vice versa. I don't think anyone can really qualify as a relationship expert per se' because we have all done dumb shyt at soome points during a relationship or relationships. I guess in a nutsehell an expert is (see first line)

  • http://www.opinionatedmale.com cortonio

    *nutshell*

  • kecia

    THIS advice is for men and women: Stop getting in your own way. Period. We are quick to point out what is wrong with others but don't want to look at ourselves. The only advice I am listening to is mama's: 1. You are not perfect. He is not going to be perfect, but if you see something in him that has some promise and he sees the same in you then you two can work on each other. 2. Stop trying to find the finest, or the most sexual and someone with all the things you think you want. The person you have been putting off and shaking your head at saying "I don't know why I don't like him or her, I just don't is the one that you should be with. Simple and to the point. Mama has been married to daddy for 37 years with all kinds of ups and downs and drama. Steve who? Tyreese who? I think I will listen to my mama. If yours is telling you something similiar then keep your money in your purse or wallet and go home to mama.

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