Do Guys Care If You’ve Slept with Their Friend?

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“She Smashed The Homie”

This issue has been a long standing cornerstone of the “G-Code” long before Ray J made this a contemporary phrase. There are many ways to look at this and since this is my first time connecting with you all, I’ll take my time to do so.

Men have all sorts of unspoken rules that they govern themselves by as it pertains to women. I usually hate to speak in such a general sense, but this piece may end up being just that. A majority of men pass judgment. That’s a fact. I don’t consider myself too judgmental, but I’m in the minority. The bottom line is that many men don’t challenge themselves to go against the beliefs taught to them. This brings me to the issue of a woman being sexually involved with a guy and then afterwards having a deeper interest in someone in his crew.

There’s a reason so many women proverbially say “I don’t have many girlfriends, I hang with mostly guys.” Our loyalty plays into our relationships with women. It just so happens that many women have periods of irresponsibility where they admittedly mess with people they aren’t really feeling – by the way that makes not one bit of sense to me. But further down the line, they might end up feeling another guy that coincidentally the previous dude is cool with. She may begin to catch feelings for the new dude but that new dude may not want to take it to another level because of her history.

Is this fair? I guess it depends on who you ask. It technically isn’t right, but that doesn’t matter when dealing with the majority of how men think. I think there comes a time where women have to be more cognizant of the residual effects of dealing with most men. Maybe you only want to sleep with guys who you’re genuinely feeling. If you don’t do that then you run the risk of wanting another guy in the group, but it’ll be too late. He may know you slept with his friend and now to him you’re highest potential will never be above a casual relationship. For the record, most women won’t sleep with men who slept or dated their friends, so it’s not like this “standard” is unique to men.

I have been accused on many occasions of being too liberal with my views on women. I’ve been told that I look past a lot. The truth is that I know I am a bit liberal. I studied psychology and I just believe in looking at people holistically. I believe people can change and reinvent themselves. Although everyone might be able to understand that most people aren’t willing to go against the philosophies they grew up with.

I understand that there are always exception to the rule. For instance, I think it’s a rough situation as a guy if you find out someone you’re dealing with dated someone you were cool with after the fact. Once feelings are involved it compromises everything. You as a man now have a choice to make: You’re either going to accept someone’s past or you’re not. At the end of the day, you have to be able to stand on your own ideas and beliefs.

For the women:  You have to be responsible. Women have a tendency to give a harder time for the guys they really like and an easier time for guys who they don’t take as seriously. That is ass backwards to me, but who am I? Women should give attention to men who are worthy of it. Give attention to men of your standards and forget all that settling nonsense. Settling is how you end up feeling multiple people in a crew instead of figuring out which one you really like.

In the end, women get offended because they might have high hopes for a relationship and can’t understand why a guy may not feel the same. Well Biggie said it first and now I will; “if you don’t know now you know.”

For the men: If you’re digging someone and you know they dealt with someone in your crew, I say to do you. It’s not that simple to find someone that genuinely makes you feel happy. Contrary to popular belief, there isn’t huge abundance of women who will knock the socks off your feet. These ladies are out there but if you already have one, rock with her as long as she’s handling her business.

Guys seek a lot of male validation from their peers. Sometimes you have to not seek it. You won’t always make the popular decisions, but it’s your life to live and your lessons to learn. In the grand scheme of things, happiness is what is paramount. This was written for the fellas who might be toggling with this same issue with someone they’re feeling. I only aim to open some eyes, and hopefully some minds.

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is the newest guest writer on the staff at SBM. His bio: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS

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  • Dr. Esq

    Nah I have to wholeheartedly disagree with this post. You dating another girl who one of your friends say he smashed is unacceptable. At most she could get a casual very light relationship. Yes guys know that their girl is not a virgin, but we also don't want to be confronted with the fact. And to be friends with someone who can say he's seen your girl naked and smashed is too much for any rational man to handle. Like I said I know my next girl won't be a virgin, but I also don't want to be friends with someone (and thus around them often) that already had her in the bed.

    • amaris79

      Why?

      • http://twitter.com/215strongbul @215strongbul

        It's just the way things work–so you would 'seriously' date a guy who slept with one of your best female friends?–not just an associate–and I think that's a big distinction–if I don't really know/hang with dude like that, or even if we're just cool, I might–there' like 10 of my boys who I wouldn't cross that line–everyone else is fair game though.

  • http://www.OpinionatedMale.com Mr SoBo

    G Code is slang for principle and boundaries. Although subjective, its not really open to interpretation as there is a general understanding and respect for the principality of them. No Big Worm. There are definitely those who don't live by the code as your post suggests and even encourages, but some lines that are crossed are recipes for ensuing trouble. Knowingly pursuing someone who was romantically involved with a friend is dangerous ground for a number of reasons. Too many to list here.

    Personally, I never understood the desire some men have to pursue relationships (long term or even one night) with someone their boy smashed. What is the intrigue? Why? That sh*t is gross son. lol. Perhaps someone can enlighten me on this. Once a friend has tapped those waters, that woman becomes completely off limits. G code in full effect. Besides, that would present some flags to me if the young woman was okay with moving one from member of the crew to the next.

    How does such a relationship work at future gatherings? Wedding day? Double dating? Is it even possible to look at one another the same again? Why a guy would be interested in being with a woman his boy already smashed eludes me. Even if it is just for the thrills. She becomes 'tarnished' with his essence at that point. Too close for home and too close for comfort. The past never dies when its always in your face.

    There are so many potential issues…

    Then again, to each is own. If all parties involved are capable of handling that knowledge and can proceed without any implications, more power to them.
    Aint the life for me though. Utterly unacceptable.

    My recent post Kobe Bryant: Good Teammate or Petulant Whiner?

    • amaris79

      The S*t is gross….and she's tarnished. Why?

      • shar

        Because most men think of women as sexual objects. Not human beings with feelings,desires,or past sexual histories. If we don't fit into whatever box they have for us in their mind, it's a problem.

        • kcal

          Fit into boxes? Wtf? From my experience women are the ones who create self imposed rules on who to date and who not to date. Everytime a woman says yes or no to dating a guy she put him in one of many potential boxes. She could have put him in the fine as hell box meaning all men outside that box are off limits. He could be in the nice guy with wealth box which causes your typical thug, or common man to be off limits… my point here is that women are the holders of limitations. Men have the chase mechanism and women have the filter mechanism… the definition of filter is to separate. Its a problem when men have their own prioties and means to separate women they don’t want from those they do want, but its not a problem when women do this on a regular basis? The hell is going on with you people.

    • CHeeKZ Money

      While I agree, I would like to point out that Joe Budden wifed Tahiry for 5 years…..after Fabolous smashed. And they go back to clue tapes.

      • NotYourFriend

        They were never married.

    • newgirl

      It is the forbidden fruit thing and the people in those relationships will be even more determined to make it work because they want to prove everyone wrong.

      i honestly don't think that a guy that would sleep with 2 friends is even work it. same for a women.

      whatever they are confused, needy, spiteful…it is just not worth, it. and you are telling me they can't find love anywhere else other than with some thats been with a friend? i am not buying this reason.

  • J.Crawford

    As someone who has dated the friend of an ex-girlfriend and also messed with somebody that previously was talking to a friend I understand this post completely. Outside of the cliche "the Heart Wants what the Heart Wants", these things are all about contexts of Friendships & How a Relationship Was and Ended. If you are Over an Ex-Girlfriend BUT cordial about it all then she won't really be pissed/upset tht you are Talking to her Friend-Know that if anything happens They will Still be Girls and you will be dismissed ASAP. Guys aren't really on that page for Good and Bad Reasons, but IF a Woman has been Vetted by the crew with the Previous Dude then everyone pretty much knows what she is about.

    Sometimes you Buck the System in a way. Staying in your Lane has its Pros and Cons, and if a Woman would't/doesn't come between Boys the Go For It.

  • Smilez_920

    Men: Honestly it depends on what the status of the relationship was between your friend and the ex. If that’s your man’s ( baby mother) or ex fiancé , then you might just want to take the L and look else where.

    Other than that it just depends on how much your really feeling the girl. But I also believe in being reasonable . There’s a difference between an actual friend and a associate ( another man you know). I think if it’s just an associate or some dude you know , then it shouldn’t be a big deal.

    Women: you have to live with the choices you’ve made with your vagina. The only person who has to accept your past is you. Everyone else has a choice. Some men won’t care about it , some will.

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

      Women: you have to live with the choices you’ve made with your vagina. The only person who has to accept your past is you. Everyone else has a choice. Some men won’t care about it , some will.

      This is one of the best summations I’ve read on this topic, quite possibly ever, especially this part, “The only person who has to accept your past is you. Everyone else has a choice.” I wish more people understood that.

      • monstadon

        I'm stealing this WIM. Good way to put it succinctly.

        100.

    • Uncle Hugh, BP

      Smilez_920: "The only person who has to accept your past is you. Everyone else has a choice."

      The Gospel according to Smilez.

    • monstadon

      My bad Smilez_920…I credited WIM in error…no harm no foul.

      But I'm still stealing it…LOL!

      100.

  • GirlSixx

    I think most guys do as in THEY SHOULD. ewwwww. Why would you want someone’s throwback/leftovers??!!!! The same rule applies to myself as well I ain’t tryin to be with a dude one of my girls been with. o_____o.

    The dating pool is not that scarce!!!! I don’t care what articles/blogs/stats say.

    • http://inanimatethoughts.blogspot.com Animate

      Just looking at them as "leftovers" is practically degrading. For all purposes they could be a good person but are being viewed based upon a failed relationship or even a short lived dating situation.
      My recent post My 2012 gaming year in review

      • GirlSixx

        Okay.. how about "Sloppy Seconds" does that sound better??

        Either way I'm good on that.

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    Ain't no way I'm getting with one of my boy's exes. There are too many girls on the girl tree.

    To each their own though.

  • MaggK

    My ex was the bestfriend of a guy i previously dated, since it was just physical with the bestfriend i never met his circle. So when i met my ex i found out later (in a super awkward way, i must admit) that they were bestfriends. We talked about it once "are u ok with it?" he said yes… the topic NEVER, really NEVER came back again, his bestfriend never disrespected me in any kind of way… It has never been a big deal in our relationship or in theirs.
    I have myself been in a situation where i had to make the choice, like the dude been with one of my girls… I couldn't do it, as soon as i found i said bye!
    So really It all depends of the situation, of your feelings toward the person, of your principles… Do you!!!

    • Smilez_920

      Agreed, it's all about the context of the situation and environment.

    • Melyssa

      Your ex was the BESTFRIEND of ole dude??!!

      I'm sorry but he is your EX now right?? I am having a hard time believing your ex was cool with knowing you was in a casual /just physical (fwb/jumpoff) type situation with his bestfriend.

      I have brothers and nephews who are quick to dead a chic or write her off as purely A TOSS if she has been with one of his boyz NOT EVEN BESTFRIENDS but just his homies prior.

      *shrug*

      • sMilez_920

        Well it's not like she meet the guys inner circle. The one she was just having fun with kept it low and casual so why would he introduce her to the crew if he was'nt serious about her (not in a bad way maybe she was'nt feeling him like taht and cut ties also).

        It seems like her ex solo of his crew and once he was feeling her he introduced her to his friends and they found out. In that type of situation sometimes you just have to let it go and let your man's be happy. I'm sure her ex had some casual "friends" he hung out with before her.

        • MaggK

          Hey smilez_920, thank you for understanding the situation!!!
          Like i said Melyssa, he was cool, everybody was cool! I actually was the only one not cool with it at first ahahah! And yeah the reasons why he's my ex now have absolutely NOTHING to do with it!

  • cynicaloptmst81

    I violated the code as a teen. Won't be repeating that move.

    I wouldn't date the friends/relatives of an ex. Associates are FAIR GAME though.

  • http://inanimatethoughts.blogspot.com Animate

    For me this "rule" only applies to chicks my friends have had serious relationships with. If its just a chick that you were seeing a little bit and ya'll called it off then its free to me. I may clear it with you but I don't feel obligated to.

    I definitely don't hold onto nonsense from high school like some women do.
    My recent post My 2012 gaming year in review

    • Smilez_920

      lol women are'nt holding on to high school boyfriends unlessed they never moved out of their hometown, which must only have a population of 1,000 ppl if their 30 holing on to their 9th grade bf.

      Question: Would you still be interested if you found out that your friend had chex with the women your interested in even if it was just casual. Would the way their causal situation happened play a role?

      • http://inanimatethoughts.blogspot.com Animate

        I'd be fine if it happened without him knowing I was interested in her. Even if he knew, it be like a "come on man!" deal but I'ts a good chance I'd blow it off on both ends and see what she is about. How long ago it happened plays a part as well.
        My recent post My 2012 gaming year in review

  • amaris79

    I'm really glad I've had the BF's I've had. All but one wouldn't care. And 2520's don't really care, either. Personally I don't just because women are territorial and tend to believe if they've had you once they have stake on you forever, but I wouldn't care if one of my friends dated my ex. We didn't work out, so more power to you if you can figure out how.

    Now, I know my beliefs are not shared and I would never force a person to share my beliefs, as your preference is your preference, but I really have to challenge the people that are saying it's "nasty, eww, not my woman". What if you marry your 'pure angel', she had your child and your little brother comes back from overseas duty only to find out she had a torrid summer affair with him in Greece seven years ago? Is she still "nasty"? You don't wanna, fine, you don't wanna, but that scarlet letter thing is seriously disturbing. Everybody is SOMEONE'S "sloppy seconds".

    Now, I draw the line at ex-wives.The Jackson double baby-momma thing is messy as all hell.

    • SMilez_920

      I think there are situations when dating your friends ex just isn’t cool. Were not talking about high ex.’s (depending on age) college ex.’s are up for grabs. But as a friend why would you knowingly want to date people they've been seriously involved with. An ex husband, baby father, serious boyfriend (like they lived together). TO me there’s enough people in the world were you don’t have to chase after a friends serious ex. Now people I’ve casually dated or hung out with and things didn’t click are free game. Also depending on what city you live in(like if you stayed in your home town) your bound to mess with someone who messed with someone who messed with someone.

      The example you gave is different. Nobody knew. In that case the standard is different. To me a friend that would chase behind everyone I’ve already dated will probably try to get with someone I’m with.

      • amaris79

        See, I understand where you're coming from but that's just the thing. In the majority of times no one is "chasing" anyone, it was simply a case of proximity and timing. For example, Shania Twain. She gets left by her husband for her married best friend (and that is FOUL as all hell, btw), her and her bf's ex-husband help each other cope with grief…and eventually fell in love and got married. A lot of times it's simply the fact that you had something in common and a familiarity since y'all shared the same space so often, not necessarily a malicious chase. Now YES, there are instances where your friend was outright, but those can clearly be seen because of timing (as in it will be a LITTLE too soon to be coincidence). For example, Michelle Salahi & the Journey guy.

        • MaggK

          amaris79 i really do love you lol!

    • http://twitter.com/MademoiseleOgus @MademoiseleOgus

      Sharer of your belief!

  • MissLia

    I don't follow codes, I just do what feels right. I had this happen to me once only I was never technically with this guy and we never even came close to sleeping together. We only dated briefly and I knew his friend long before I knew him. Unfortunately, things were too complicated and didn't work out with the friend, and they are no longer best friends because of what went down. I hold nothing against either one of them. If it doesn't feel right for a man to date his friend's ex, that's his business. But if that's the case, he needs to leave well enough alone and not start anything in the first place.

  • Adonis

    We have places for these women, we can put them to work.

    I’m sure negroes find wives that way, but that is a very unreliable strategy.

    I do understand a woman’s dilemma tho.

  • DWilson87

    "You have to be responsible. Women have a tendency to give a harder time for the guys they really like and an easier time for guys who they don’t take as seriously. That is ass backwards to me, but who am I?"
    Smh I completely agree with you on this one. I've known some women who have "had fun" with dudes they didn't take seriously, but as soon as a guy they like comes along it turns into "what do you think about us?" and "i'm not trying to move too fast." I asked some other females about this and they acted like I was slow and didn't understand the whole concept their answer "them other dudes were just their for pleasure, but she really liked you" what in the hell I'm sorry I do not own a Cape. Also how some women will mess with the homie and then say something like "I wasn't really feeling him."…so he just happen to catch you when you were having a vulnerable moment (which for some men is their specialty). But if a man has one of those moments he is cut off from the rest of the women in that circle.

    • newgirl

      i dont see a problem with that behavior. don't men behave is a similar way with the time they take with women that they actually do like and others they just want to smash.

      i think the only reason that you would see a problem is because if a girl likes you she is not giving it up to you as quick. count yourself lucky she actually liked you.

      there are men who are hoping to be in a relationship instead of being just some womens plaything so yea count yourself lucky.

      if you are being cut off by the rest of the women in that circle then thats a good circle!

      • DBoySlim

        Men don’t do that.

  • http://twitter.com/inomallday Shamira

    So wait…no guys ever cross that line?? LOL. With the amount of dude's "friends" that all of a sudden remember your phone number soon after you end a situation, I find that hard to believe. And If you live in DC or NY I REALLY find that hard to believe, lol. But let me chill…

    • SMilez_920

      lol Guys talk about girls calling every women their friend, but they do the samething … "That's my Bro"

  • http://twitter.com/ChrisUnltd @ChrisUnltd

    I'd personally never date a friend's ex or, or a friend of my ex. It just seems disrespectful to me and would bring more drama than its worth. My most recent ex doesn't share that same sentiment though and has tried to get the attention of one of my boys. Interestingly she seems to be telling every woman she's ever encountered that I'm "off limits", even associates.

    • newgirl

      wow what kind of chick were you messing with? she is probably trying to get back at you though.

      not sure what you did but i think women are far better at revenge than men ufortunately and revenge is very sweet.

      also men seem to want to claim that everybody is their "friend" to try to guilt you out of dating them in my experience. not saying i dont think he was your friend, but she may have though he was just an acquaintance and therefore, saw it as okay.

      I recently stopped talking to a guy that apparently wanted me to come to a party that he threw…i was like nah, it was like oh all the guys at this party are off limits type of thing.. i was cool on that as well as cool on the drama that brings. cant tell me that 30 guys at a party are all your "friends"

      women do this too. everyone is their close girlfirend when they break up with their guy.

  • Dr. J

    We've talked about this before, i've talked about this before. A lot of this has to do with the way y'all view the people you used to date. I'm not dating anyone that "my boy used to smash."

    Question, why you talk about the people you've had sex with like that? And then put that out there on the Internet for people to see that's how you talk about the people you have sex with?

    Have I done it before? Yes. I've dated a woman that my boy used to date provided the situation was handled with respect. Like first and foremost, people put sex over relationships sometimes. Maybe the relationship didn't work out because they wasn't a good fit, but it might be a good fit for you. If that was my boy's bust it baby or like he played her out hard body, no way. But i've done it and my friends have done it, it's all about the situation. My boy hits me up about a woman I used to date and I can be like, "She's a great girl, good look, man it didn't work for us, but good luck. That's good money." If not, then people start wondering about the women I date and sleep with.

    Just my thoughts.

    • Smilez_920

      idk.. I don't think it says anything about your taste if your boys aren’t trying to "talk to your ex's". Sometimes people just want something of their own. I think it also depends on were you draw the limits with your friends. I wouldn’t care if my friend starting dating someone I talked to for a brief period of time, then we just didn’t click. But someone that I invested lots of time into (ex-husband, ex-fiancé, boyfriend I lived with) and we broke up, then a few months down the line I see my bff introducing him as her boyfriend. I would assume some foul play was in the mix. I also think people have to make a clear distinction in what they consider a friend vs associate. I have a small tight nit group of girlfriends, I have many associates. Associates are free game, have fun, I expect a close friend to handle the situation a little different.

      • Dr. J

        You're twisting it into something I wasn't saying. I'm just speaking about making sure you aren't dating women that aren't respectable. And also, not talking about the women you date with "I beat" and "I smashed." That's all I meant.

        • Smilez-920

          maybe it's just a timing thing with me, I would side eye my friend if I saw them with someone I just finshed dating even if I dont like the person anymore. Just feel like some back handed ish was happening.

    • amaris79

      Totally agree.

    • MaggK

      totally agree!

  • Larry

    Hmm…I've been on both ends of the spectrum here. I'll say in general guys will care….but care enough to no longer be friends with their homeboy? In more cases than not I'd say no.

  • bellatrice1

    I would never do it, but I just passed a guy I had been dating onto a friend of mine, but we're not super close either, so the likelihood of me seeing them together often is slim. If she's cool with it, so am I. To the guys, does it make a difference how close of a friend a guy is as to whether you will get with a girl who "smashed the homie?"
    My recent post Why I Didn’t Bother Watching “Life Is But A Dream”

    • newgirl

      I think that is fine but what I don't get is when women try to pass off guys that were sweating the shi t out of them onto you or another mutual freind without telling the friend the whole story.

      I would definitely want to know if your friend who you want to sent me up with has been fiending for you for the past three years. That info would surely be useful to me or whatever chick you consider a friend that you are trying to pass him off to.

      Not saying I wouldn't pass a guy off but I am completely truthful about who he is to whoever I am giving him to.

      • bellatrice1

        He is someone that I was dating for a few months, so we had been intimate, but we just were NOT getting along AT ALL. There was nothing right in our relationship. I think we dragged it out longer than we should have. I actually told him about her while we were still dating and she knows that we did not get along. She knows that he was into me, but I don't think it matters to her. I think they might be a good fit, but we'll see…
        My recent post Why I Didn’t Bother Watching “Life Is But A Dream”

  • ladygoo105

    I remember liking an ex of a friend's friend once. She actually had the nerve to tell me not to be interested. Look homegirl, that is YOUR friend, not mine. I hate that mentality. If the girl's not in my CLOSE current circle, then your ex is fair game.

    • newgirl

      I would agree.

      Some women want you to overextend yourself, and its like wait, do I even know you.

      Guess that is the benefit of not having a lot of close female friends

  • Casanova

    First let me take the time to highly commend the author behind this article. Based on the comments above, and the personal conversations that the basis of this article has managed to strike up amongst myself and others, it is fair to say that this topic is a damn good one!
    Ok… ok…… Ok…… Enough of that….. Let me point out 1 quick thing before I turn this into @DamnPops for Dummies (Which I will)

  • Casanova

    Part 2.
    1 st Lets define the "HOMIE"- A homie is NOT the dude from around the way that you just give dap to and keep in moving cuz yall spoke once and now he thinks he is your his boy/girl, nor is he/she the person that you smoke with every now and then because they always have good weed….Noooo Nooo Nooo… The "homie" in this instance is painted as one who is a true friend, someone you include in your life, someone you communicate with more than 10x a year, and someone who you’re willing to have at your crib to sit and have dinner with your family. The "Homie" isn’t an acquaintance, they are a FREIND……. N with that said, i don’t know how much you value true friendships but my friends are people I confide in, who confide in me, and people I have the utmost love and respect for. (Personally I treat my boys, like my BROTHERS)

  • Casanova

    Part 3. Here comes the transparency) Have I dated a woman that smashed a homie?….. YES!…. In high school… was it a stupid idea?… NO! Why?…. Because in high school, NO ONE is sincerely thinking about spending the rest of their life with anyone. (Women simply came and went) Getting involved with a female who smashed my boy (in high school) simply gave us something else to talk about and that’s just the reality of it.

  • Casanova

    Part 4. I’m sorry to break it to you people, but as humans beings we THINK! Our minds are always moving and our thoughts become mental short films that only flicker when the eyes stimulate the motion. Knowing that there is a possibility that the man at my dinner table can mentally recreate a vivid feeling of satisfaction regarding my wife’s punany just sounds CRAZY!
    Would you feel comfortable inviting your “hommie”and his family over to have dinner with your wife and kids knowing that he at some point had his love tool inserted in her box?

    I wouldn’t but hey who am I…

  • newgirl

    the harder time to guys i like and easier time to guys we dont really like for long term is true.

    but moving onto someone you have been with's friend is not something i would do. i have been far more compatible with guys i've dated friend and it was just like dang but oh well. i just wouldn't be able to do it.

    This seems more like a Causcasian choice for a bunch of friends male and female to trade partners every year or two: See Vanderpump Rules reality show for reference.

    And I don't buy the whole its hard to find someone you loves and gets you, it really isn't that hard.

    I think some people have this desire for forbidden love and others just don't.

    But I honestly do think it would be different if the two haven't slept together and that is why I don't think women should go past 2nd base with guys unless committed. More options I guess. Kissing is one thing and s e x is a complete other thing.

  • bigred917

    I was with my ex for 10 yrs…we had a son. My ex had an associate who was part of his circle. This associate NEVER stepped foot into our home, but visited from time to time. My relationship with my ex became an abusive NIGHTMARE for me and my children and I found the opportunity to leave and I hauled ass. During the last months of my relationship with my ex, I heard whispers of this associate being interested in me. A couple months after my relationship with my ex ended, I did engage in a conversation with the associate. We started seeing each other (physically) off and on for a few years.

  • bigred917

    Fast forward…its been 8 yrs since I left my ex and within the last 3+ yrs, my relationship with the associate has gotten serious (there's been talk of marriage). Unfortunately, this associate's relationship with my ex has changed as well; they've gotten somewhat closer as well. So, while many people in my ex's circle knows about my relationship with the associate, my ex does not know. As the associate stated, he is not hiding from my ex but he doesn't want to put my son (12yrs old) in a situation where he will be interrogated and lied upon (you have to know my ex to understand what he is capable of). I love my man DEEPLY but wish we could've gotten together under different circumstances. I know it affects him as well as he has stated that he "wishes he met me first". Its a difficult situation.
    P.S. Amaris 79 and MaggK…LUV your responses !

  • Es Sully

    I love this article and especially some of the comments left behind (a little feisty are we?). But honestly, there are so many intricacies surrounding this topic that it makes it hard for me to leave a comment. But let me say this…if you do decide to be with a woman that has slept with one of your friends (who you are still friends with), please don't ever hold that over her head later on and make sure you trust her, because seeing them near each other may give you a different feel.

  • Yvonnie

    Im not quite sure if my story will really be relevant but I am in college and I was talking to a guy for abt a yr. I was very much interested in him and his friends knew that. I also happen to notice that one of his close friends liked me. I was not interested in this friend in the beginning but later on started to notice his positive attributes. however, I was physically attracted to both guys. Nothing beyond just talking and flirting happened between the first guy and I but I saw myself in a relationship with the first guy and not the 2nd. I did not show any interest in the friend and kept my distance from him not to give him the wrong idea but he always talked to me and did stuff for me which made my situation difficult because the guy I wanted was playing games. I knew it then but I chose to ignore it. 6 months after talking to him i noticed that he is flirting with this other chick and hanging with her, I take a bow out but we still talked. 6 more months later, her has sex with the girl she becomes clingy and he peaces out, now suddenly he trying to get serious. My friend notices this and she informs me of the situation. I casually asked him abt it because I don't wanna be played and put my self in a position where I would look like a fool. The girl wasnt my friend but my school is so small that it was too close for comfort. He got pissed and told me I was listening to rumors, "bye sir"…her roommate told us cuz she had to leave the room when they had sex(dorm room). He transferred out but by that time his friend and I had become cool, we talked and joked around and whatever but nothing beyond friendly conversations. But, the guy has been gone for 2 years now, I was expecting the friend to make a move but he didnt. Surprising thing is their friendship kinda waned at the end. so they were more on associate level, so I dont understand.
    Yes, he was aware that I liked his friend but that was a long time ago. I wanna try but there has only been friendship btwn us and I am too scared to ruin that so I keep my mouth shut. I keep wondering if it was because of their friendship. I really like him now.

    to each their own. Do I think what I feel is wrong no, primarily because I have not been intimate with either guy which is a major reason also why all his close friends are cool with me and they respect me. Only the females don't seem to warm up to me and my girlfriend says it is because they want to preserve their one good man (he's egyptian). But maybe I'll get my own later..no rush im still young.

  • Elle

    I haven't read all the replies here but what about the scenario with threesomes, where the boy initiates the threesome for his girl and invites his main homeboy in as the third party? Then the "third party homeboy" catches feelings for the girl and wants to continue the rendezvous without his friend? Who's the tainted one here? The third party homeboy? The boyfriend for coming up with the threesome idea in the first place? Or the girl for agreeing to the threesome?

  • Sapphron

    Someone I dated for almost 4 yrs was the good friend of a man I dated briefly, about 3 months. It's interesting because at the time I didn't think anything of it. The man I dated first was already in a relationship (unbeknowst to me) so when I found out it kind of coincided with his friend showing interest although under the circumstances I was not quick to entertain his inerest, which he understood. The person I ended up dating did talk with his friend to let him know we were going out and from what I could see their relationship did not change. I never thought about the fact that I was intimate with both these men and I know my former bf didn't obssess over it either.

    This relationship was quite a few years ago and that was the only time that's happened. I would not think of a person in this situation as " leftovers" or any other insulting labels. It really depends on the situation.

  • linlov

    Ok what do you do when you’ve known a guy long as you’ve known your man and they best friends. You start having vivid dreams about him sexually and then you tell him.