Today, we have another edition of Single Black Mail, where we attempt to bestow a little bit of relationship advice (we’re not experts) from a group of guys who spend way too much time thinking about the subject. But, as always, the best advice comes from you, the family. This letter today is extra special. It’s from a personal friend of mine. She asked me about this one day, and while I gave her my take, she told me I had to write it up and let people know. I guess…
About six weeks ago, while out one night with a female friend, I met a guy. He was awfully charming and older than me by eight years (I’m 28). The next day, he contacted me and we ended up texting for a while. He eventually called, and we ended up talking for hours. We went out the next evening, and I had an amazing time. We hit it off so well, and I couldn’t help but think about the next time I would see him.
About three weeks into this thing, his consistency suddenly shifted. Talking and texting everyday suddenly became talking and texting every 3-4 days. At one point, I even told him that I was no longer interested and that it might be best that he focus on his priorities for now (e.g. running his “business”; taking care of the two kids he was recently granted custody over). He proceeded to call/text several times basically pleading his case. I took the bait, and decided to stick it out.
It was week five and we had our first major disagreement. We were texting back and forth, and then suddenly he asked “you love me?” I never acknowledged the question. Later on that night, he called. During that conversation he asked yet again, “Do you love me?” I giggled and responded, “You shouldn’t ask those types of questions.” I saw him the next day, and while having sex he asked me…a third time: “Do you love me?” We were having sex and I wasn’t about to kill the moment. I moaned a sincere “Yes…” (LOL). The pressure was on, and I couldn’t imagine telling him “no”–not during sex. There must be rules against that sort of thing.
The fact that a man would ask such a question somewhat baffled me. This is actually the second time this has happened to me. I didn’t understand what provoked the question then, and I don’t understand it now. While I show interest, I don’t believe that my actions have given him any inclination that I love him. What would encourage a man to ask a woman “Do you love me?” HELP!
Well, before I get in to the meat of my response I have to mention one thing. You didn’t have to answer yes just because you were in the good good! I mean, f* the mood. He’s not going to stop giving you backshots because you didn’t give him the right answer. Ideally, you should have dodged the question one more time, but even I can admit that the throes of passion can cloud sound judgement. Regardless, “yes” was not the right answer.
So … “do you love me?”
Taking it all in, thinking about when I’ve said something similar and meant it and when I haven’t, I can easily say one of two things is going on: He’s an older & mature man who knows what he wants! The clear age and life differences between you two is nothing to gloss over. He is coming up on 40, has some children and sounds like he is trying to get his life together. He could be at the point in his life where playing games isn’t fun and he needs a woman that is serious about a life together. I have heard countless stories of women meeting “older gentlemen” who have had their biological marriage clocks come calling. They want to settle down, with someone young and sexy of course, and will move faster than Frank Ocean dodging a Chris Brown uppercut.
As long as his actions speak the same, take him seriously and decide if you can move at that speed. If you can’t … well … you’ll always have the backshots. Or … He’s just running game Yeah, you could have skipped the first part because THIS!
Just reading this made me feel like I couldn’t take him seriously. You are talking every 3-4 days over text (weak), you have a fight, and suddenly the “L” word is being dropped. I don’t think he is trying to move things fast, I just think he is trying to secure you as the best of FwBs. Also, notice he didn’t say or hint at “I Love You.” A sprung man will do that. I once got sprung, and I told a woman that way too early. I tried to avoid it, but it was diarrhea of the mouth. If you mean it and want to say it, it just comes out without needing an argument to bring it out, and it comes out in only 3 words.
He said “Do you love me?” He get’s the gooey feeling of the “L” word being used, but none of the commitment that comes after he corrects when you ask him about it later. I know you well enough, you know better. Lastly, it sounds like you met him at a club/lounge/bar. He’s 36 with kids out talking to much younger women. I hate to stereotype, but it’s obvious he re-committed his life back to the game. Doubtful he’s trying to give it up yet. Conclusion I think he asked you a question to derive a specific response. Don’t give it to him ….
SBM aka MBM aka Your only real male friend
SBM Fam, what would you advise in this situation?