Why Does He Ask “Do You Love Me?”

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Today, we have another edition of Single Black Mail, where we attempt to bestow a little bit of relationship advice (we’re not experts) from a group of guys who spend way too much time thinking about the subject. But, as always, the best advice comes from you, the family. This letter today is extra special. It’s from a personal friend of mine.  She asked me about this one day, and while I gave her my take, she told me I had to write it up and let people know. I guess…

About six weeks ago, while out one night with a female friend, I met a guy. He was awfully charming and older than me by eight years (I’m 28). The next day, he contacted me and we ended up texting for a while. He eventually called, and we ended up talking for hours. We went out the next evening, and I had an amazing time. We hit it off so well, and I couldn’t help but think about the next time I would see him.

About three weeks into this thing, his consistency suddenly shifted. Talking and texting everyday suddenly became talking and texting every 3-4 days. At one point, I even told him that I was no longer interested and that it might be best that he focus on his priorities for now (e.g. running his “business”; taking care of the two kids he was recently granted custody over). He proceeded to call/text several times basically pleading his case. I took the bait, and decided to stick it out.

It was week five and we had our first major disagreement. We were texting back and forth, and then suddenly he asked “you love me?” I never acknowledged the question. Later on that night, he called. During that conversation he asked yet again, “Do you love me?” I giggled and responded, “You shouldn’t ask those types of questions.” I saw him the next day, and while having sex he asked me…a third time: “Do you love me?” We were having sex and I wasn’t about to kill the moment. I moaned a sincere “Yes…” (LOL). The pressure was on, and I couldn’t imagine telling him “no”–not during sex. There must be rules against that sort of thing.

The fact that a man would ask such a question somewhat baffled me. This is actually the second time this has happened to me. I didn’t understand what provoked the question then, and I don’t understand it now. While I show interest, I don’t believe that my actions have given him any inclination that I love him. What would encourage a man to ask a woman “Do you love me?” HELP!

Well, before I get in to the meat of my response I have to mention one thing. You didn’t have to answer yes just because you were in the good good! I mean, f* the mood. He’s not going to stop giving you backshots because you didn’t give him the right answer.  Ideally, you should have dodged the question one more time, but even I can admit that the throes of passion can cloud sound judgement. Regardless, “yes” was not the right answer.

So … “do you love me?”

Taking it all in, thinking about when I’ve said something similar and meant it and when I haven’t, I can easily say one of two things is going on: He’s an older & mature man who knows what he wants! The clear age and life differences between you two is nothing to gloss over. He is coming up on 40, has some children and sounds like he is trying to get his life together. He could be at the point in his life where playing games isn’t fun and he needs a woman that is serious about a life together. I have heard countless stories of women meeting “older gentlemen” who have had their biological marriage clocks come calling. They want to settle down, with someone young and sexy of course, and will move faster than Frank Ocean dodging a Chris Brown uppercut.

As long as his actions speak the same, take him seriously and decide if you can move at that speed. If you can’t … well … you’ll always have the backshots. Or … He’s just running game Yeah, you could have skipped the first part because THIS!

Just reading this made me feel like I couldn’t take him seriously. You are talking every 3-4 days over text (weak), you have a fight, and suddenly the “L” word is being dropped. I don’t think he is trying to move things fast, I just think he is trying to secure you as the best of FwBs. Also, notice he didn’t say or hint at “I Love You.” A sprung man will do that. I once got sprung, and I told a woman that way too early. I tried to avoid it, but it was diarrhea of the mouth. If you mean it and want to say it, it just comes out without needing an argument to bring it out, and it comes out in only 3 words.

He said “Do you love me?” He get’s the gooey feeling of the “L” word being used, but none of the commitment that comes after he corrects when you ask him about it later. I know you well enough, you know better. Lastly, it sounds like you met him at a club/lounge/bar. He’s 36 with kids out talking to much younger women. I hate to stereotype, but it’s obvious he re-committed his life back to the game. Doubtful he’s  trying to give it up yet. Conclusion I think he asked you a question to derive a specific response. Don’t give it to him ….

SBM aka MBM aka Your only real male friend

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SBM Fam, what would you advise in this situation?

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From Our Partners

  • Texasmade

    I guess he on that grown man game. Some dudes just love the L word. They feel connected then throw it out there. The word is important to some and thrown around alot by others. How many different partners have you said it to?

  • Smilez_920

    Old school suga daddy. I agree with part two of the advice. Don’t take him serious, take the L and move on or at least don’t seriously entertain him. At least it’s early in the situation , not to much has been lost.

    • Smilez_920

      Notice he said “do you love me”not “I love you”. He’s trying to string along emtions lol Huggy bear behind.

      ” Do you love me ” <—- more like " do you love this d–k" is more apporiate talk during.

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

        lie to me, lie to me, lie to me so sweet…. *Miguel voice*

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    Love is power, love is control. When a situation that was convenient and beneficial for him was on the brink, he did whatever to get that power back, ie tugging at your emotions. If he loved you he would just say so, he’s inquiring, trying to reassure himself you’re not going anywhere, convincing her that she doesn’t want to. Typical manipulation.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

      Yeah I ain’t know whether to address the thread or her #grammarfail

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    I too love the L word, well loved, I just wrote about it on my blog. I think as women fall in love with being in love, men fall in love with being loved. Commitment or not, He has your heart he has you. (ie baby daddy’s still smashing, Scandal)

    • Smilez_920

      I guess if you ask someone ” do you love me” enough times , especially if their already open ( no offense) they’ll start to believe they love you lol smh women love love men love to be loved.

      + 2 points for the miguel reference up top.

  • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

    Can I just begin by saying this line They want to settle down, with someone young and sexy of course, and will move faster than Frank Ocean dodging a Chris Brown uppercut. made me weep for Jesus!

    Anywho, sound advice. I’m going with camp #2 as well but for a somewhat different reason. I’m not going to fault a man, 36 or other, for meeting women in the club. If I was (im assuming) married with two kids and suddenly thrust back into the dating world, I’d probably take my old ass to the club/lounge too just because its comfortable and familiar and after being out “the game” for however many years I might need some practice. That said, why is his 36-year old ass tossing the L word around after only 4 – 5 weeks. (I see the 90 day rule was not in affect here, NO JUDGEMENT!) Im just saying, if he really was a grown ass man he would do grown ass man things, which don’t consist of trying to force you into saying the L-word at a pace he, apparently, d*ck-tates.

    But honestly, if this were a man, I’d say enjoy the pum pum stars until it isn’t enjoyble anymore BUT I think, as a woman, if you keep sexing this man she’ll just develop more and more feelings instead of ejecting early enough in the process while she still seems to have some logical assessment of the process – hence her asking you for advice. I say get out while the getting is good. Right now she’s showing all the symptoms of full blow d*cktimization taking hold soon. That won’t be a good look and any hope for logic over emotional decisions will go out the window – and if she’s not careful, kid #3 will fly back in thru that same window. So while your head is semi-clear I’d simply ask myself: is this really what I want?

    - sent from iPhone

    • cynicaloptmst81

      WIM, for the most part, we stay >>>>here<<<<, LOL! Cause I got mad issues with tossing the L word around after an INCONSISTENT 4-5 weeks!!! Can love come quickly? Yes. But, after inconsistencies and a question instead of a declaration???? Probably not.

      Def seems like a playa move to keep her on the hook.

      • Mr. SD

        Why does it have to be a playa move?? Why cant that brotha just wanna know if love is in de air?? Maybe love is his motivation to be more consistent??

        • cynicaloptmst81

          Inconsistencies. Timing of the question.

          It's fine to want to know if love is in the air. But WHO loves that deeply after 4-5 weeks???? Nobody. I mean, of course I love you with the love of Jesus but we know that's not what we're talking about here. Once a solid friendship is established, yes, the love of Jesus grows to something else but its still not that "you're all I need to get by" kind of love. There are stages to love that must be experienced before it gets really real…and his super grown tail knows that. There are a few exceptions to the rule but since she noted inconsistencies, I assume their situation is not one of them.

          CHARACTER should keep you up-front and consistent (or at least communicating about the change that's occured)…not love.

        • Mr. SD

          Ok so I'm wit you that he possibly threw it out there a lil early but he just might have a different concept of what love is. (dead in the middle of chex) That brotha just wanna know if he's loved..lol

        • cynicaloptmst81

          Check out Sarah and Star's comments below concerning his flawed concept of love. I think they may be spot on. Its similar to what you said but takes into account that he's willing to pull the love that he isn't ready to give.

        • Mr. SD

          You dead on about CHARACTER tho…ya momma aint raise no fool!

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    As Smilez said, he asked you if you love him, he didn't say he loves you. And he asks you after an argument? And in less than two months? And trying to coerce an answer out of you during $ex?

    To answer the question of why did he ask do you love him: he's trying to get you to show your cards. Which I suppose he did, since you said you do love him. Now he's playing with the upper hand. I don't know if he was married and is entering the dating scene again, but if he was, and asked that quickly, I'd seriously question his sincerity. You'd figure he'd be hesitant to say anything like that.

    Tread carefully.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      Agreed!

  • Sarah

    I’m with the player camp as well but from a slightly different angle. I’ve had this happen twice, both from men who were either divorced or out of a really long term relationship. Being f****d up by my job it didn’t take too long before I saw the symptoms of anxiety in these men. Both were the old school romantics that (some of us) women dream of meeting who wants a wife to love and cherish, to build a home and fam with. When they lose their better half its as if they lose their sense of worthiness and a part of their identity. These gentlemen seem to want the reassurance of you loving them despite they themselves being nowhere close to that level of commitment yet. Watch out, because it’s a slippery slope and if you give them a hand they’ll take you’re entire arm and then some.

    • Starita34

      THIS!
      "men who were either divorced or out of a really long term relationship"

      In my experience, he had grown accustomed to being loved and it hurt him to be without it. So the FIRST EFFING TIME we were together, he asked me if I loved him during the act. I actually did, but that was even too soon for me, so I answered that "I loved this {richard}" and he accepted that. He just liked knowing he had that control over me and was used to hearing that midcoitus during his time in the serious relationship that it was almost habit. Unfortunately, it wasnt the only time he used love as a weapon of control.

      I say run away as fast as you can.
      But I never would've listened to that advice, soooo…

  • Streetz

    That Cat Daddy trying to keep his women in check. Straight 70s blaxploitation style smh.

  • bellatrice1

    This actually happened to me. The first time the guy asked me, I asked why he would ask me that. The second time he asked if I loved him, I said I did, even though I wasn't so ready to let that cat out of the bag because I felt the power shift IMMEDIATELY. I was baffled as to why he would keep asking me that instead of saying I love you to me, which I assumed was what he was feeling and maybe wanted to hear me say it first. But, his I love you never came until AFTER we stopped dating. It was a strange situation.

    In hindsight, I'm still not quite sure why he asked me only a month into dating, but I would venture to say that he felt that way, but wanted to maintain control over the relationship or even his feelings. He was year younger than me and we are both in our early 30s.
    My recent post Single Mom, Gay Dad

  • Dr. J

    Just be happy he isn't asking "who's the big d*** daddy?!" 5-6 weeks into the relationship.

  • amicus82

    I don't think him asking that question has much to do with you at all. Instead, I think he probably wants to hear that you love him b/c he wants to feel more strong & more in control as a man. Overall, he sounds selfish, like instead of trying to give to you as a friend/boyfriend – he's trying to use you to grow his ego. Some guys like to twist up your emotions just because they like to know they have the power to do so, and the end result isn't pretty.

    My recent post Married Life, Gutter Fights: Can you change a man?

  • JasMaTazz

    Dang, guess I'm the only person giving dudes straight up NOs midcoitus or not! You're not gonna outfox me silly rabbit!

  • 1Wanderlustress

    NO. NO. NO. It's obvious this man has gone through too much emotional hell (not just with the divorce but with fighting for custody of his kids), to have a clarity about his emotions not just towards himself, but towards women.

    However the divorce went down there is bound to be some bitterness because divorce hits men hard. He's probably looking in the mirror thinking himself as a failure because he couldn't maintain his marriage or because he's realized he picked the wrong woman to marry in the first place.

    His lack of consistency during this "getting to know you" phase does NOT warrant a "Do you love me" question while EXPECTING a serious answer. Combine that with the fact that he stooped low to ask the woman mid chex, while he's all up in her, shows where his mind is at.

  • DB

    01) f the genders were changed, the tone of these comments would be very different.
    02) I wonder what this "business" of his is that the letter writer does not seem to have much respect for.
    03) Could he be asking if the letter writer loves him so he can determine if he should put much effort into saving the relationship after the first fight?
    04) This sentence is probably the source of his confusion: "While I show interest, I don’t believe that my actions have given him any inclination that I love him." He could be asking if only to clarify things.
    05) The letter writer should leave the guy. She does not respect his "business" nor does she have any permanent relationship feelings for him.

    • Amicus

      It bothers me when people pretend that men & women generally act the same in relationships and consequently, should be treated the same. Whenever a guy tries to turn things around on me like that and act like I'm sexist and mistrusting for daring to think that he could be acting "like a guy"…I immediately question whether he's trying to game me in some way.

      I mean, in theory YES … this guy could actually have feeling for the letter writer and he COULD be asking her about her feelings in order to save the relationship from the "gray area" relationships can get caught in. BUT, in reality…the vast majority of men who are confused and trying to save a relationship just don't act like she described.
      My recent post Why Women Want

  • 2opinionated

    In my experience, this is ego. Dudes assume that women catch feelings easily & wanna confirm their prowess/… Not game, but they're proud of themselves. U already involved, how could u not love him?! Also, dudes ask for what they want, what they like, what gets them off. Some will straight up ask for head… Y not this. It's still a (ego) stroke that feels good

  • kiesh

    As soon as I read the part about him being inconsistent my eyes just glazed over. She's analyzing the wrong thing and asking the wrong question. When words and actions don't match, don't get caught up!

  • Growing&Learning

    Thanks everyone for your feedback. I am the letter writer. :)

    Needless to say, things eventually took a turn for the worst like some of you foreshadowed. While he did end up telling me that he loved me, his actions *never* reaffirmed that level of emotion. For the person who mentioned that he might be emotionally scarred, you are dead on. I realized this much as we got to know each other more. Also, he's not married; but, when we met he was three months out of a long-term relationship with his youngest daughter's mom. I know, I know…"practically married".

    This situation really shed a light on one thing in particular: no one is exempt from wanting to love and wanting to BE loved. He's 36 and has a hard time in the love department–family included. Sometimes, if we aren't being loved "right" we search for supplements of love. We try to find love in the arms of different people (all at once even). Still, we all want it. For guys like him, he's willing to ask for/expect it prematurely. Some say ego, and this is partly true. I do believe that his want for love is related to power/control.

    Manipulation? Absolutely. Naivete on my part? Hands down. Even still, I walked away from the situation, shed a tear or two, and kept it moving. The love I deserve is worth the wait. I simply have to do better in the meantime. :)

    Thanks again everyone. <3

  • Growing&Learning

    He wasn't married.*

    My mistake. . .

  • Luvleemom

    Well okay, my son’s father just asked me that question today out of nowhere. I mean i have not spoken with him in week’s. And when we last spoke we were arguing. So my guess is he has meet some younger woman, and he wants to know how i still feel about him. I did not answer the question. In fact i asked why did he ask me that and of course his response was “i just wanted to know”. So i just want to know what is him game, and should i have answered the question…???