Co-parenting: When One Of The Parents is Gay

*Before anybody gets all politically correct, and says I’m intolerant, some things need to be understood.  I believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  These beliefs are the foundation of how I view the world.  As such, I’ll be the first to say that yes, God is Love.  At the same time, God also has precepts and rules.  I choose to abide by them.*

lesbian-parents

“When kids are involved, a person’s thought processes change.”

I had somebody tell me this in reference to the curve ball that life recently threw me.  What curve ball?  Well, I’m raising a little girl whose mother is gay.  This may not be a “blow your socks off” situation for some.  For me, however, it is.  Like a batter taking a swing at  the best curve ball, the situation started at one position, the bottom fell out and  I went down looking.  That’s how fast it crept up on me.

When I first met my oldest child’s mother, she was, in fact, gay.  We lost contact for awhile, but when we ran back into each other some years later, she was all about the church.  I had been dealing with some issues before we reconnected, so as the saying goes, I was “getting right with God” myself.  It seemed like a good time to get reacquainted with an old friend.  We started spending time together, going to church together, and even going on  dates.  We weren’t “exclusive”, but we weren’t seeing other people either.

About a year went by before she informed me that she wanted some definition of what we were doing.  So, like any reasonable man, I figured I’d define what our “chilling” meant.  From that day on, she was my girl.  Up until that point, there was no sexual contact between us.  This isn’t to say that the desire wasn’t there, but we figured it was best to get to know each other…biblically.

Well, the no sex lasted about another month or so before temptation and physical urges won out.  A couple months later, we found out she was pregnant, and that was the beginning of the end of the relationship.  During the split, my daughter was born, I got married and my daughter’s mother found a new man.  They were together for a while, then split up.  At times, things between her and I were (and still are)  tense. Other times, we’re cordial; as is the typical ebb and flow of a co-parenting relationship like we find ourselves.

But, then it happened…

I am not exactly sure when, but one day I noticed she was spending time with different women.  At first, I didn’t give it much thought.  Then my daughter told me that one of the women had moved in and was “mommy’s girlfriend”; like girlfriend, girlfriend.  I was taken aback.

This is also where my social sensibilities met with the quote from above.  People tend to have clean cut ideas about most topics, but for whatever reason, the thoughts on homosexuality are always in flux.  Society will let most issues slide as long as they don’t affect individuals on a personal level.  Bring children and kids into a situation and people’s thoughts change.  This is one reason why I found myself conflicted.

I’m generally a live and let live person.  What a person does with their life is between them and God.  I have my own issues to deal with, so I can’t spend time wondering about another’s household;  EXCEPT…my daughter was in this particular household.

I wonder how seeing her mother in a non-traditional relationship will affect her.  Not just now but in the future.  She’s seeing two different family dynamics, and it weighs on my heart.  Because she’s my daughter, and because of what I believe, her spirit is my responsibility.  I’m honestly not all that concerned with the studies that say it’s no different growing up with same sex parents. Nor am I concerned with other studies that suggest there is evidence that growing up in a same sex home is, in fact, harmful. I’m only concerned about my daughter’s well being.

The fact that her mother is the custodial parent means that she’s exposed and influenced by what she sees the most.  As a man who believes in the Bible, it’s hard.  It’s hard knowing what kind of influence I, as her father can have, yet not being able to guide her and help her understand what she sees on a daily basis.  In my heart, I feel how her mother is living is harmful to my child.  It’s just how I feel.  Is this based on my own judgments or what’s best for my daughter?  I can’t necessarily separate the two.  But, I still won’t make disparaging comments or remarks about her mother.  However, when my daughter told me that she got in trouble at school for kissing and feeling on another little girl?  I had a serious problem.

When her mother and I discussed the school incident, it was shrugged off as something she (my daughter) lied about.  This didn’t sit well with me for a myriad of reasons.  Mostly because in my thinking, this is a serious issue that needed to be addressed by both her parents.  Yet since my access to her is limited by time, distance, and the whims of her mother, the lasting effectiveness of my words are debatable.

As my daughter gets older, and understands more about life, these formative years will be crucial.  I don’t want her feeling like her mother is “weird” because of how she lives her life.  Nor do I want her feeling like I’m some Bible thumping, holy roller.  At the same time, I’m going to teach her what the Bible says about raising children.  After this, the greatest thing I can do for her is be her daddy, love her, provide for her, and support her.

Prayerfully, that will be enough.

- DarrkGable

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  • fourpageletter

    wowsers.
    that's difficult.
    1st – it's sad that you have to have a disclaimer on your beliefs. they are what they are. they are yours. they are valid for that reason.

    that being said, i feel like your child's mother being gay isn't the issue, it's the irresponsible parenting. if mommy was going through a constant rotation of men, moving them in and brushing off questionable behaviour – you still have the right to have your concerns.

    im sad that your ex seems to be going though a finding herself phase, openly in front of her young daughter. hopefully it wont be at her expense.

    thanks for sharing!
    My recent post still i rise: being free to be human

    • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

      I know I’ve dropped the ball on somethings as well. The instability that already comes with being in a blended family, and having to deal with her parent’s issues, internal or external, is not what I want for her.

  • jdoubleu

    This is kind of a layered conundrum. Wow.

    First and foremost, homosexual or heterosexual, parents should be a little more protective when it comes to who they allow around their children. Children are smarter than we give them credit for, but they can/do get extremely attached; especially if they see their parent happy w/ the new person. Plus the younger they are, the less they understand the concept of "a break up". So I think the onus is on your daughter's mother to be a little more discerning with who she brings into her home and how much she exposes her to.

    2nd, I think parenting has to be a little less rigid in terms of socialization. I mean yeah you can be firm in your Christian beliefs, but the fact is your child is going to be exposed to all types of family structures out in the world. So there has to be a happy medium where you can instill what the Word says and her accepting that some people are just different.
    My recent post Some battles are blessings

    • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

      It’s a fine line between preparing them to interact with the society, and partaking of society. Personal beliefs guide it all though.

  • Yvette

    Yes, you are most certainly entitled to your beliefs. Full stop. But you can’t pick and choose which parts of the Bible you’re going to follow, then in the same breath criticize others for doing the same.

    You CHOSE to have pre-marital sex, which goes against what the Bible teaches. But instead of writing about that, which would have in all likelihood prevented this whole situation in the first place, you chose to write an article criticizing your ex’s sexu@lity . Unbelievable.

    Mr. Gable and other “Christians” should really take notice. THIS is the type of judgmental, hypocritical, holier-than-thou behavior that turns people like me away from organized religion.

    • Smilez_920

      Agreed.

      when I was reading this the first thing I said was ” but didn’t you have pre-martial sex”. Through out our walk with Christ we will make some mistakes. Now he can’t take back having the child. But he decides from this point forward he’s going to practice celibacy until marriage. maybe when they started dating he was in a different mind state.

      The mother most likely won’t go back to men which isn’t an issue. But the mother has to be more aware of what she’s doing in front of the child. Most of the times when kids do things like that at school ( even with the opposite sex) it’s something they saw at home. I think a big part of the issue is not his child’s mother being gay, but her not having a filter on what the child should and shouldn’t see within that lifestyle and proactively talking to the child about what is appropriate for mommy and what’s not appropriate for her ( I’m assuming the child is young).

      With that being said, you can still teach her the word of Christ with out throwing her mom under the bus. Eventually your daughter will make her own choice.

      • Yvette

        "I think a big part of the issue is not his child's mother being gay, but her not having a filter on what the child should and shouldn't see within that lifestyle."

        Absolutely. And he SHOULD be concerned about his child being exposed to things meant for adults (sex). That's a separate issue though from his ex being gay. I take exception to the fact that he focused mainly on his ex's sexu@lity instead of her questionable parenting skills. It comes across as hypocritical considering his behavior.

      • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

        I'm curious, from the article, what "things" did you understand the mom had done in front of the child?

    • Uncle Hugh, BP

      Yvette: "Mr. Gable and other "Christians" should really take notice. THIS is the type of judgmental, hypocritical, holier-than-thou behavior that turns people like me away from organized religion."

      And yet, the irony escapes you.

      • Yvette

        How so? I'm not a Christian and I fully accept the fact that I'm a hypocrite.

        • Uncle Hugh, BP

          "How so?"

          The irony is being judgmental and holier-than-thou while criticizing someone for being judgmental and holier-than-thou.

          "…I fully accept the fact that I'm a hypocrite."

          That's intellectually and morally honest. But the Christian also realizes and accepts that they aren't perfect, which is exactly what the Bible says about all of us.

          Not to get too far off topic, but I'm mildly curious: if you accept that you're a hypocrite, and believe "Christians" are hypocrites, why would that turn you away from organized religion? You seem to agree.

        • Yvette

          "But the Christian also realizes and accepts that they aren't perfect, which is exactly what the Bible says about all of us."

          Thank you, that's exactly my point. Mr. Gable has not accepted (at least in this article) that HE'S not perfect and has instead chosen to point a finger back toward his ex. What does the Bible say about sin and casting the first stone?

          "why would that turn you away from organized religion?"

          Because in my experience, Christians DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE that they're being hypocrites, instead pretending as if they're perfect and shaming others for their so-called sins. This bothers me a lot. (For the record, I understand that not all Christians are like this, this has just been my experience)

        • Uncle Hugh, BP

          "Because in my experience, Christians DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE that they're being hypocrites, instead pretending as if they're perfect and shaming others for their so-called sins. This bothers me a lot."

          I can't disagree with your opinion on the actions of some Christians. Many churches/Christians really need to focus on that "none are worthy/all are fallen/only saved by God's grace" part.

          Back on topic: I don't know if it amounts to hypocrisy in this case though. Hypocrisy means falsely claiming standards you don't have. That's not the same as not living up to a standard you do have. Darrk Gable said "temptation and physical urges won out," which implies he understands pre-marital sex is wrong, he just gave into temptation. I'm not even sure if one can charge him with being judgmental. After all, he did date his child's mother knowing she was gay, and didn't judge her. There wasn't really an issue until his daughter was involved.

        • Yvette

          Here's the definition that I found of the word "hypocrite"…

          "…a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings."

          You don't think that this applies to Mr. Gable? Also, the fact that he dated his ex knowing that she was gay makes him even more of a hypocrite in my eyes.

        • Uncle Hugh, BP

          "Here's the definition that I found of the word "hypocrite"… You don't think that this applies to Mr. Gable?"

          No. Not when this is part of his beliefs:

          Romans 3:10 – As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:

          Romans 3:23 – For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

          Romans 7:18 – For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.

          When your standards say it is impossible for you to be perfect, imperfections aren't in contradiction.

        • Yvette

          Ok, I see where you're coming from. The only thing that I'm really saying is that he should be a little more forgiving of his ex's "imperfections". Who knows what she's struggling with right now as far as her walk with God?

        • Uncle Hugh, BP

          I suppose he could be. I'll just leave it here, and Mr. Gable can defend himself if he wishes.

        • starita34

          Hugh, you make me so tingly…and yeah, I know how inappropriate that is when you here quoting scripture buuuuut….
          it is what it t.i. is.

        • Uncle Hugh, BP

          My e-boo makes a return appearance!

        • starita34

          All you gotta do is whistle…you do know how to whistle, don't you Hugh?
          http://bit.ly/10ggPJK

          *bats eyelashes*

        • Just Sayin'

          You sound like a h0e….LOLL!!!

        • starita34

          You sound like a lovely, accepting, open minded person.

        • fourpageletter

          that was uncalled for.
          My recent post qotw: what would your tattoo say?

        • Uncle Hugh, BP

          That was completely unnecessary.

        • Southerngyrl_

          I am also not getting how a heterosexual man can truly date a gay woman. Maybe there is some bisexuality involved? Either way, one of the most confusing parts of the article.

    • Southerngyrl_

      Sidenote to the whole thing: I don't care for the pick and choose approach to the Bible. Never did. I am saying this as someone who was raised in the church.

      • Yvette

        You know what, that actually doesn't even bother me. It would be literally impossible to follow everything that the Bible outlines. My issue is that he's holding his ex to a different standard.

        • Smilez_920

          I don’t think he’s holding her to a differnt standard. He’s not saying he never sinned. He may no longer be living that life ( pre martial sex). If that’s the case what he’s saying is he wants to guide his daughter in her walk with Christ. He wants her mother to be a little more aware of how her life choices effect their child, and that maybe she should be mindful that little eyes are watching . I don’t think he’s trying to condemn her, he just wants to find that middle road where he can teach his daughter about the bible without damaging the daughter mother relationship.

        • Southerngyrl_

          Well, if he interprets the Bible in a way that says homosexuality is wrong, there will probably be some type of recourse if he teaches this to his daughter.

        • Smilez_920

          You can teach without being hateful. Each of our walks is personal. Best you can do is say " your mothers walk is her walk with christ, God will judge her,all you have to do is love and respect her". What you choose to do on your walk with God / Christ is personal, these are the tools I have given you, but you have to make your own choices".

        • Southerngyrl_

          That is a great way of putting it. I would probably replace with "God will jusge all of us as he sees fit". But, I am coming at it from a different angle because I don't believe it is a sin.

          I do believe our walk with Christ is personal. I am getting from the article that her mom was in the church at some point, but I have no idea if she still goes or if she is no longer a believer. If she is, there could be room for two sets of teachings of the Bible. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing.

        • Southerngyrl_

          Well, it annoys the crap out of me. : )

        • Yvette

          Lol, I can understand that. Question – you say you grew up in the church – so how DO you avoid the "pick and choose approach?" It seems like an impossible standard to live up to. Do you still attend church?

        • Southerngyrl_

          LOL. I avoid it because I don't interpret the Bible in its literal form. I don't take it as events that actually happened per se', but more of lessons to be learned. I, like everyone else, knows that the Bible was written by a bunch of dudes.
          They all had their own agendas (we aren't perfect). It has been translated so many times from its original text, that it is possible that some things got lost in translation.

          Many events in the Bible can be interpreted many ways. It is often the folks that are literal with it that usually cause problems. That being said, even if you take it at its most literal extreme, I can respect that more since that person is being true to all of what is in the Bible. I cannot take the picking and choosing of supposed "sins" to be for or against.

          I rarely attend church anymore, but that is because I haven't found one I like in this area and I like sleeping in on the weekends. I like the songs we sang in church. I love old school gospel. I am not a fan of gospel rap or gospel that sounds like r&b. I love hearing a sermon that I can relate to. I grew up in an AME church, and sometimes they are prone to theatrics on the pulpit.

  • G-Man

    Wow, bro this is one pickle that I'm glad I never found myself in. I think it goes without saying that a person's walk in faith isn't always straight and surely isn't always perfect. There's nothing hypocritical by admitting your mistakes, but still trying to walk God's path. I always shrug off people's attempt to say that because I'm not Biblically perfect, that I can't still try to walk and talk in His grace. It's a journey. If we were all perfect we'd be Him. I've made mistakes in my life, that doesn't mean my journey to still follow His word is somehow invalidated or that His word is somehow void because of my failings.

    I pray for you, your daughter and daughter's mother. As a the product of a single-mother household, the one thing I thank my mom for is that she NEVER brought any of her men around me while dating. The only time I saw a man in the house was when she was getting to the point where she was going to marry him and introductions needed to be made. She protected me from the yo-yo aspects of the dating scene and protected my heart from unnecessary connections that could end at any time.

    Walk your faith and just keep strong. Do what you said you're doing and be her daddy. You can't control the situation, but you can control your reaction and the conversation you have with her. You can lead her to Truth without "Bible thumping" by showing compassion, but conviction. You can show her love and respect, but also not feel you have to accept every aspect of "the world" in your home. Be the example and you'll be surprised at what will actually stick. What will bubble to the surface as "healthy" and what will be guarded against.

    This is one of the reasons why my wife and I decided to take our three girl's education into our own hands. We can't protect them from the world forever, but while we can – we will, or at least influence their direction. Ultimately, the values we instill within them will either stick or they'll fall to failings of the loudest and persistent social "norms". They will ultimately have to walk their own path, but they'll know we are a Believer household and family when they approach our doorstep.

    God loves unconditionally, but His love doesn't equate to acceptance of desires. He can hate what you do and love you so much to want you to follow Him. Straight or gay.
    My recent post Iron Man 3 – Trailer 2

    • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

      Appreciate the prayers, and you’re right, especially about the compassion with conviction.

  • CrayolaGirl

    “In my heart, I feel how her mother is living is harmful to my child. It’s just how I feel. Is this based on my own judgments or what’s best for my daughter? I can’t necessarily separate the two. But, I still won’t make disparaging comments or remarks about her mother. However, when my daughter told me that she got in trouble at school for kissing and feeling on another little girl? I had a serious problem.”

    Would you feel her living was harmful if she was with a man and your daughter was caught kissing a little boy?

    Harmful? I trying to fully understand this word… your ex’s lesbian life is harmful? From the lesbian lifestyle i’ve seen – that’s hard to believe. I know a lesbian couple- one (after divorcing a man) brought three young kids (2 girls and a boy) into the relationship. They raised them for 15 years (and they went to church every Sunday-if this means anything). All their kids are heterosexual so your baby being around gay women will not rub off on her.

    Now if your ex is bringing random people in and out your daughter’s life and home, that’s harmful as a MF. You should be let it be known that you’re worried and do what you can to ensure her a safe environment.

    I can’t believe living with her lesbian mother is harming her….especially if her mom is providing her with a safe and loving home (even if it’s not her dad but another woman).

    • Smilez_920

      I don’t think her mother being a lesbian is harmful, but it is a lot for a child to understand and it needs to be explain in depth . It can’t just be one day mommy walks in with a gf and it is what it is . Children need to know what’s going on to a certain extent. Kids blindly copy. No differnt than they blindly copy mommy and daddy, they’ll copy mommy and gf with no really thought or understanding behind it. I’m sure she meant no harm when she kissed the and felt the girl in school. But just like I would tell my son that its innaporaite to touch someone like that at that age without permission, and that those actions are for adults like mommy and daddy .

      Mommy just has to be a little more self aware of what she does around her child and how she explains what’s going on.

      • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

        I wonder what mommy is doing and whether mommy has talked with the child. It might be premature to assume that mommy just waltzed some random chick into the house and said nothing. And again, if the mom of his child is this piss poor of a parent, WHY did he have a child with her and why isn't he in court right now fighting for full physical custody?

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    This is a tough one. Live and let live and all that, but now it's affecting home. It's one reason I broke up with a Muslim girl I was seeing. I could see us getting serious, but I thought if we did make it work long-term, how would we raise children?

    Obviously, this is her mother so this is something she is going to be exposed to. But as others stated, the best thing is to make sure her mother is providing stability by not allowing a rotation of women to be exposed to your daughter. I'm not sure how old your daughter is, and children are exposed to intimacy from different kinds of media, but it is more important to protect young children from $exuality and $exual images, versus her mother's orientation.

    It's hard to do, but she can ask questions regarding orientation as she gets older. Right now, I'd let her know it's unacceptable for her to be "kissing and feeling on" anyone: girls or boys. That's reserved for grown-ups.

    Keep instilling values, and keep being prayerful.

    • EyesopenEast

      Brother Dark Gable. I appreciate your post. This question or predicament has been discussed in our circles more frequently then I would like. Per your committed faith continue in your convictions. I am finding it trouble some that homosexuality continues to get a pass of being "natural". If we believe and quote the bible in all wrong doings ( pre-marital, lust, homsexuality) etc then you are a believer and not a bible thumper.

      Per the daughter and the man in question. It is unfortunate that this predicament has arisen not just for him but in other families. Cases like these will pit the believer versus the non believer. Clearly looking at the comment section , everyone is PC or Loud and proud. Parental actions and habits can influence a kid. Why don't people accept that. As a future parent i would not be ok with a same sex kid hitting on my child. The innocence of it is no longer there due to our society.

      For our unnatural actions there consequences….STD's , Unwanted pregnancy , etc. So dude in story will have to deal with this conflict. His punishment but also will have to insure to convey to his daughter that this is not favorable.

      And for those who will come this way… I simply ask this , if you believe as you say you do weekly why do you justify things we can read are not acceptable? What because its PC? Anyway keep living and striving for the right thing …

  • Ms. Smart

    Everyone has already addressed the 'Hey you had premarital sex' piece so…

    If you don't like it so much, go for full custody.

    Since kids do as they see, if the mom was with a man, I wonder if the child would mimic that interaction as well.

    • Smilez_920

      +plus one if you don’t like what’s going on in my house your always welcomed to take the child into yours.

  • Southerngyrl_

    The religious overtones aside, the issue should be with the people coming in and out of that house when there is a child present.

    I do think that if her mother was with a man, she would probably be doing the same things, except with little boys instead. Again, the issue is what she is allowing her child to see. There are boundaries that should be set, even with married couples.

    There are a few other questions that i want to ask about this situation, but maybe later.

  • Smilez_920

    I think DarkGable is aware of his sins and has taken responsibility for them ( pre-martial sex).

    I don’t think he’s trying to judge or condemn the mother of his child .

    I think he just want some clarity on how he can teach his child the word With out showing ill will towards her mother . The relationship your child has with God is personal. As a parent you can teach then things and wisdom to take on this journey, but you can’t guide them the whole way. The most important thing you can teach your child is the choices you and her mother made are your choice and not hers to live with or repeat .

    I think it’s the job of both the gay and straight parent to thoroughly explain the lifestyle of both parties. Talk about it with love a land tolerance and guide lines. Explain that the decisions both of you have made are for adults and not children. It’s has to be a little more in depth than just ” hey momma has a Gf now “.

    Both parents have to be mindful that a child doesn’t always process the choices you have made in the same way you do.

    • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

      I think this is really hard. One of the main issues is that only one parent sees the mom's lifestyle choices as actually wrong.

      And since the teachings of the bible are that the lifestyle is wrong, how would he really be able to teach his understandings from the bible without directly telling the child that there is something wrong that her mom is doing?

      Can you imagine as the mom, if baby comes back from weekend with dad to ask "mom is it true that you and your gf are living in sin and that the bible condemns what you are doing?" How exactly does that get done without condemning the mom since what is on the table is the fact that the bible allegedly condemns the behavior?

      Creating an environment when you are tacitly telling your child that her mother is going against God..how is that good parenting either? What will that cognitive dissonance do for the child if she does accept daddy's view of the world as correct?

  • Dean Jukebox

    1. You don’t have to be a Christian or a part of any organized religion to believe that homosexuality (or anything for that matter) is wrong.

    2. The issue can be broadened to include bringing anybody around your child or exposing your child to anything (i.e. weed smoke, polygamy, secular music, etc) but those aren’t the things that are affecting his daughters household (that we know of) and for anybody to dismiss his concern for his child being reared under what he considers traditional because it isn’t PC and has hypocritical undertones is on that bull.

    • Yvette

      If "traditional" was so important to him, maybe he should have taken the traditional route to begin with? No sex before marriage, married (to a straight woman), then have kids. THEN he can have all the say so he wants over how his daughter is raised.

      Until then (or until he has full or joint custody), unfortunately he has very little say so over how his daughter is raised. He can of course voice his concerns, but he's not going to be able to control what his ex does.

      • SMilez_920

        We don’t know if he may have joint custody. And as long as he's an active parent (financially, emotionally and physically) he has some say . They’re co-parenting meaning their doing this together. Now like I said up top, there is always an option for him to have the child in his house, but maybe he doesn’t want her to feel she's being taken away because "mommy is doing something bad”.

        Technically Him and this woman both sinned (like everyone) when the made this child so that's neither here nor there. The point is the here and now, if he's living by the word like he says he is, then I can see where his "question" is coming from.

        Everyone’s walk is personal. Maybe the child’s mother is at a fork in the road, which is fine, but she has to be mindful that someone is watching her. Same with darkgable, he's mindful that his daughter will be watching his walk and how he approaches this subject can have his child

      • Dean Jukebox

        Him taking the traditional route doesn’t necessarily mean this wouldn’t have happened. There are still two parties involved. Him taking responsibility for his hand in it doesn’t change the fact that he disagrees with how his child is being co-parented.

  • cynicaloptmst81

    As a Christian parent, all I can really say is WOW WOW WOW…I get it. I do. Having differing values/morals in a co-parenting situation has got to be difficult. Its confusing for the child. They don't know which way is right, best, or appropriate for them to model themselves after…all while you believe that your way is best but you don't want to undercut the other parent, smh. Whether its sexuality, religion, diet, cleaning habits, etc., thats the issue. Tough, tough, tough. I'm grateful that my ex-hub and I have agreed on how to raise our children post-marriage…and that we continue to honor that agreement.

    But, I def think that the bigger issue is WHEN to bring a partner into the home. Personally, unless I'm at the very least engaged, my boys and I will not be living with a man. Regardless of my personal shortcomings…as a Christian or member of society, its my job as a parent to provide the best example possible…shielding them from inconsistencies and harmful life patterns.

    According to my kids, Mommy NEVER cusses, does NOT date, does NOT own lingerie, does NOT let men stay over…Mommy just goes to work, takes care of them, and hangs with her homegirls when she can. My children were born into a marriage…and they've been taught that marriage is the way you build a family. So, until Mommy's ready to add a member to the family officially, that's ALL they need to see.

    My oldest son and I have discussed my divorce, how its not an ideal end to marriage (yes, God hates it), and I told him that I do NOT want that for him or his brother. I told him that, when he is old enough, I will tell him where his father and I went wrong and help him to make better choices.

    I want BETTER for my children. They deserve BETTER. My past or bad decisions is not okay for them just because I did it. Naw, son. They deserve the opportunity to learn from my mistakes…not get a road map of how to repeat them. I don't care what DG did in his past. He wants BETTER for his daughter.

  • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

    As the writer, I admit my faults in this life. However, my bigger concern is my daughters’ well being. My take on it is just that, mine. If folks take offense to it, that is their right. For those who can empathize with it, that’s their right as well. But constructive dialogue on the subject is my aim.

    • Melinda

      I'm having a hard time empathizing with you b/c you were not as stressed about her mom's relationship with a man after y'all split. Being exposed to the (presumed) sexual relationship should have been just as much a violation of your faith as the woman. Statistically, your daughter would be more likely to emulate heterosexual "casual" sexual behavior if she grows up with that as the norm. Why wasn't there a conversation about what the child would be exposed to early on?
      I agree with the woman above who mentioned hypocritical Christians. I am very much a Christian and yet I am very much flawed. I wouldn't dare look my nose down at anyone else's sin because I know I am not always successful in behaving in a Christlike way.
      That said, you and the baby momma could use some help in COMMUNICATING with each other. For your daughter's sake, try family counseling to address some of your concerns. The third party will be helpful since you two have a history of tense conversations. If you are not in the same location, have her go someplace local and you can call in on speaker-phone. It might not be easy, but your daughter is worth it.

      • cynicaloptmst81

        Her being in a relationship with men and moving a partner into the home with the child are two different things. Of course he expects her to date…have a relationship. What's stressful about that? Moved in? Whole different ball game. And then, on top of that, its a women which conflicts with HIS belief system. No different than if you have a child with your hubby, you divorce, and he becomes a satanist. Or you become a vegan and your ex continues to feed the child meat, etc. Its a conflict in values and it will need to be addressed at some point.

        You can have all the pre-talks in the world…clearly she changed her mind…again, lol. Which is her right…it really is. And he has a right to be concerned about how to go about expressing them and continuing to raise his child according to his belief system. BOTH PARENTS have a right to be concerned about how she will be raised and reared moving forward.

    • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

      But what is the nature of the dialogue that you would like to have? Do you want validation that you have the right worry that a gay mom might make your child gay?

      The problem with that line of reasoning is that it starts from the premise that there is something wrong with being gay. And there is not. And you can't use your bible, with any credibility to denounce homosexuality because you CLEARLY don't subscribe to some of the other prohibitions of your bible. So picking gay as the one thing that we should understand/sympathize with you over fails.

      You should have had a child with someone who shared your faith. You failed to do that.

      And if your daughter ends up gay, honestly, I kinda think that's better than ending up a person who leaves a pregnant woman when she's carrying his child. Just my opinion, and my way of saying there are far worse things humans can do in this world, that aught to be an offense to God, than being gay.

      And to the extent that you are a Christian and you believe that all that happens in God's Will and a part of his plan, then as a good Christian wouldn't your job be to make peace with the fact that nothing happens by accident and that even if your daughter ends up gay, that too would be a part of the divine plan?

      • cynicaloptmst81

        The article does not state who ended the relationship…so faulting him for the failure of the relationship during her pregnancy to support your perspective is…whatever, lol.

        I also think MANY are skipping over the fact that she stopped/paused being gay for a period…and that's when her and DG got together…not while she was actively gay. Maybe she was confused at the time, who knows. But, you can't fault him for that…sorry.

        • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

          I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't think one can "stop" being gay. If I met a man who said he used to have sex with men, I would not take that to mean that he would never do so again. I would understand his confession to mean that his sexuality is fluid and includes attraction to both men and women. It would be foolish to think that I can say for certain that he would never date or be in a relationship with a man again. That choice is not up to me to decide just because he happens to be dating me at that time.__"Actively gay" is actually an amusing comment. Are heterosexual 'actively straight" until they start dating someone of the same sex? lol..I'm actually laughing at my computer screen right now. lol__Maybe she was "actively bisexual"?

        • cynicaloptmst81

          I'm not gay…so I don't KNOW what happens…or doesn't happen. And I won't pretend I do. I can only assume…and go with what people in my life have experienced. And you shouldn't treat him as if he should KNOW…when he isn't gay either…and doesn't KNOW. And for those of us who don't pretend to KNOW, it shouldn't be laughable that someone who SAYS they are changing their lifestyle actually IS.

          I'm not even gonna get into what I think is foolish, lol. #NotToday

          But, whatever…

        • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

          Also, I can and do fault him for that. He had unprotected sex with someone he knew was attracted to and had been sexual with both genders. Ahmm..yeah. He made a known conscious choice to go without a condom. The baby resulted. They ended the relationship while she was pregnant and she went on with her life, which included the same choices she was making when she met him and before she met him. Being with both genders. A reality he knew before he created a child with her.

          I think it's irresponsible to end relationships while someone is pregnant. If you could stand them long enough to lay up and get pregnant you should at least have the decency to see each other through the birth of and first few months of a child's life. I think it smacks of a lack of morality to "dump" someone while you are pregnant or to "bounce" while someone else is pregnant. Suck it up and make due until the baby arrives safety. He was friends with her without sex for a year before sex. But there wasn't a basis, even in friendship, to muscle through for 9 months? Sorry..that's amoral to me. My opinion.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          The very essence of being a Christian is ROOTED in the belief that God CAN change ANY aspect of your life that you deem contrary to God's will for your life…whatever IT is. He entered into a relationship with a woman who, at the time, was living as a heterosexual. He noted his own error in engaging in pre-marital sex…which resulted in the birth of a child…and doesn't need you to.

          Again, you have no idea whether or not SHE ended the relationship…or if the split was mutual. You are REACHING to prove your point. Stop. Just stop, lol.

          NOTHING in your whole last paragraph is noted in his article. The article only states that the relationship ended during the pregnancy…not who ended it.

        • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

          Need is relative. I am responding and offering my thoughts on his posts. Whether he "needs" me to mention his unprotected sexual relationship sorta misses the boat a bit.

          I've already offered my view of the breaking up while some is pregnant. My views for me still stand. If you are friends with someone, absent some type of extreme circumstances(drugs/abuse), I do not have a high opinion of people who end relationships during that time. I'm talking to him since he posted and she's not available for comments. He could trust her with your sexual health and life (no condom) but you couldn't make the sacrifice required to be there while she was carrying your child? The relationship turned THAT sour within months of conception? Really? Sorry, would need to hear more (maybe she's totally mentally unsound and he had no choice) but until more is offered, my opinion is my opinion and it still stands.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          My point is that you aren't pointing out ANYTHING he didn't offer/expose/tell in the article. So you don't have to point out his error there…he sees it for himself.

          You are standing on your views in a comment section concering a situation that is NOT present in this article. Awesome. Keep standing…by all means, lol…smh.

          I'll leave you to it. :-)

  • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

    I find it interesting that those making comments about picking and choosing from the Bible, are, in fact kinda doing that when making their point(s), but…

    • fourpageletter

      buuuut…. im sleep doe.
      My recent post qotw: what would your tattoo say?

    • Melinda

      Does it really matter? The root of the problem is still the same & it’s not unique. You’re parenting with someone you’d rather not be. The adults -if they choose the mature route – have to establish boundaries and agreements about how their child will be raised. A counselor or therapist can help. That’s bound to create more progress than complaining about something you have no control over. And if it comes to it, will look a lot better to a judge deciding custody. It’s better not to try to take the position of the moral high ground b/c you see how quick people were to point out your missteps. Approaching things from the standpoint of what’s best for your daughter will go over much better.

  • Kinectic

    I wish Darrk Gable would get full custody of his child. She shouldn't and doesn't have to be exposed to this mess. He should do whatever he can to protect his daughter because that is HIS seed. Don't let her mother scare you into thinking you cannot intervene in what goes on in your daughter's life.

    • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

      Maybe you should ask him if he wants or has actually pursued full custody of his child.

  • bellatrice1

    I love how people like to act as though a Christian who believes that being gay is not the way God intended things to be should have NO PROBLEM dealing with a situation like this.

    @Gark Gable I'm not certain how I would handle this type of situation, but I also don't know how you dated her knowing that she liked women, and then now that there's a child involved, you are having difficulty with a gay woman raising your daughter. That's like dating a Jewish woman and getting her pregnant and expecting her to raise her child to be a Christian.

    When two ppl have sex, a child is ALWAYS a possibility, so we should all not lay with anyone we wouldn't want to reproduce with. But, with that being said, I would express my concerns to your child's mother. It sounds as though you don't have a problem with her mom being gay, you just wouldn't want your daughter to be gay, and you think by seeing her mom kissing a woman, this could impact the way your daughter feels about the opposite sex. Honestly, there is little you can do at this point, but teach your daughter what the Bible says. She will have to find her own way.

    Ironically, I just wrote an article which discusses gay parenting and what is considered "best" for the child hoping to open a discussion about this same issue.
    My recent post Single Mom, Gay Dad

  • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

    My comments are likely going to echo those of the others I scanned through. If your spiritual and religious path was as important to you as the article suggests, I don't understand how you ended up in this situation. Between unprotected sex with a woman you knew dated women, the pregnancy being the time that you ended things with the mom (which puts your character in doubt in my opinion) and the hint that you live very far from and are not active in the day to day raising of your child. Wouldn't your strong faith have counseled against one or two of these?

    Is it possible that your daughter may not find as much value in your view of God's words when it comes to homosexuality because of your seeming failure to live according to those words in so many other ways?

    I don't remember where I read it, but some author talked about why children reject the things that parents "tell them" to do and often mimic/mime what parents actually do. Children have a keen ability to recognize parental hypocrisy. And the strongest way (according to the talking heads) to ensure that your children live up to the values that you would have them do, is to actually live those values for your children to see. Dad seeing her infrequently, getting mom pregnant and then breaking up with mom, MAY have as much of an impact in how she views things. And not just dad telling her what he understands the bible to say about homosexuality.

    • Melinda

      You put it all out there. Like whoa.

    • Smilez_920

      @Blu I don’t know if you notice he mentioned that his ability to see his child is based on time , distance and at the whim of her mother , who he had a fence relationship with even when she was with a man. Again he mentioned that how the dynamic of seeing his family setting and her mothers family setting can have an affect in the child. But te mother jumped from having a man living with her and her daughter to having a gf, that’s a big jump for a child especially when she goes to daddies house and she’s the opposite . Now I agree if it bothers him he should ask to be the custodial parent. My friends father did that when he didnt like her mothering ruining different men in and out of the house in front of his daughter.

      I also agree that he should look at is ther anything he could be doing that could be having an impact on the child’s views. Maybe if she’s around daddy more they’ll be a change ( no more school incidents ).

      • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

        I did notice the time and whim mention. I also noticed that he indicated that he and the mom were not getting along and seemed to suggest that was an ongoing issue. So the idea that his seeing his child was solely based on the "whims" of the mom isn't something I readily accept without more info especially in light of the fact that the relationship sounds contentious. Rarely is it merely one person's fault when that happens.

        If your child's custodial parent decides to up and move far away, there are ways to stop that from happening. The courts are sometimes a quagmire of unhelpful foolishness but they do work to at least establish a parents right to not have a child uprooted absent compelling reasons (more often than not). If the mom is living in a way that is exposing the child to harmful influences, like a rotation of boyfriends and girlfriends, he certainly should do something about custody or increased visitation.

        Of course we are all assuming with this, that daddy is a monk, and no women have rotated through his life or bedroom that would be equally problematic for the child.

        • SMilez_920

          As long as they were'nt rotating in front of the child it is'nt a problem. Hey I'm all up for him having custody if he feels his home with him and his wife would be better until his ex finds someone man or woman who she wants to have around steady for a long time.

          Both you and me are making assumptions, neither knows the whole story nor do I wont or expect DG to tell us all of his buisness , the fact that he even open up about this is a lot. I don't think the mother is a bad person or mother, it seems like your throughing his role as dad under the bus.

        • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

          I completely agree that we do not know the entire story.

          I have an issue with the "rotating" part. I don't know how long the relationships with mom's ex boyfriend lasted. Is it still bad if they were together for years? And same with this new woman? Is it just the act of having a boyfriend or girlfriend that children should be shielded from or does it matter the depth and duration of those unions? If we are going to critique mom for indiscriminately rotating strangers through her bedroom, in plain view of her child/children, I would think we would need more info on the nature of that as well, before we line up behind dad as being justifiably concerned.

          Am I throwing his role under the bus? Let me think for a second and I'll respond to that.

        • Smilez_920

          We don't know if she's rotating or not, most said if that is the case then be more aware. I'm assuming his child is young so going from seeing a man to seeing your mom with a woman is different. I'm sure she meant no harm with the incident that happened at school (just like it happens with straight parents) but you have to acknowledge it with both parents (not hide it from one) because children will always tell (like in this case).

          Most are just lining up with the fact that he's concerned and as a parent have the right to be concerend or think about what affects our children. Maybe it's not that serious hopefulyl before he talks to his daughter hima nd the mother both come to an agreement on how the religion/gay/principles talk will go down.

        • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

          I agree and would hope that before he has a talk with his daughter about her mom's sexuality being against the bible, that he has some type of sit down with the mom first.

          He does seem concerned that whatever his opinion/views, they won't carry any weight. That is a problem that really rightfully needs to be ironed out between him and the mom as well. There are a lot of noncostodial dads who have an active and valuable voice in how their children are raised. That, more so than mom's sexuality seems to me, ought to be a bigger area of focus.

          Unless mom is doing something to harm the child, her sexual orientation alone really shouldn't have been the concern. And that view, really does color how I understand and view what he wrote.

        • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

          Maybe I am throwing his role as a dad under the bus a bit.

          He said the incident with his daughter was dismissed by the mom as merely the child lying. I don't know what really went on but he doesn't sound like his role in his child's life allows for much imput.

          In fact the entire post reads to me like a dad struggling with the fact that he does not have an active voice is how his child is being raised. In part due to his relationship with the mom and distance. If that really is the case, I don't know if starting with mom's homosexuality is the best route to bridge that divide. Someone recommended counseling for the family. I would probably have to strongly agree with that or some other form of mediation where his voice and vote about his daughter's life will carry more weight. Why it does not now, he is unclear about. But that seems like a good place to start rather than with the gender of mom's lover. Just my opinion.

        • Smilez_920

          I’m sure this is part of a bigger issue. I’m just focusing on this piece. He states that this is his issue. As a parent and someone of a particular religious group he is having a hard time deciding how he will influence his child and how his influence can or will shape how she looks at the world. I’m assuming his child is still pretty young and like he said he doesn’t want to come off as the bible thumping parent but he would like some of things in the bible to be a part of his child’s moral compass. (Not necessarily the homosexuality sinner thing but that is in the bible and she may come across it one day).

          I do not doubt that this is part of an overall issue that some people who co-parent have how to have a voice in the situation when you love your child but you’re not the primary care giver. I’m sure he doesn’t think his sins are any better or worst than the mothers, were all human.

        • SMilez_920

          I don’t think (to me) he was trying to throw stones and hide his own hands either, heck maybe he’s reevaluating what going on in his house (figuratively speaking what happens between the daughter mother and him is his house) and just trying to find some type of spiritual clarity about the situation.

          It seems like the incident that happen with his child in school influence were his thoughts are now. She was in school touching and kissing on another little girl. Not saying the mother is forcing anything on the child but children see things and sometimes even straight) parents don’t realize it until they copy what they’ve seen. Maybe he just wants to give her some balance, seeing both the mom and her gf but also seeing daddy and his wife and how they live.

          I think he’s focus on how to be a better father through using what he has learn in his spiritual/ religious journey, but like everything else there are issue and things that will have be worked out so that the child can get what she needs.

    • Amicus

      Umm…He doesn't have to be perfect to be able to teach his daughter right from wrong. My parent's weren't perfect, but they taught me a lot that I appreciate.
      My recent post Why Women Want

      • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

        Where the entire argument fails is that he has decided that being gay is 'wrong" but being an absent father who didn't marry the woman he had unprotected sex with isn't. Maybe the line he's trying to draw won't be appreciated by his child in exactly the way he envisions.

        And let me repeat..there is nothing WRONG with being gay. Trying to teach that uphill concept to his child, based on a book he doesn't ACTUALLY adhere to may be the thing that's really wrong.

        Perfection isn't an issue. You don't have to be perfect to avoid being a hypocrite.

        And I seriously doubt that any of what your parents taught you included the lesson that mom was going to hell for her sexual choices.

        • Amicus

          You say—->"he has decided that being gay is 'wrong" but being an absent father who didn't marry the woman he had unprotected sex with isn't"

          However, he has repeatedly said that his actions in the past weren't right. So why do you keep insisting that he isn't faulting himself? Also, he isn't an absentee father. He seems to be abiding by their custody agreement, as he should. So why do you keep calling him that?

          You say—>"Trying to teach that uphill concept to his child, based on a book he doesn't ACTUALLY adhere to may be the thing that's really wrong."

          But you haven't pointed out any actual inconsistencies in his belief system. Instead, you keep ignoring what he's saying and accusing him of saying things he hasn't and calling him a hypocrite.

          I guess I don't understand what he has to do to avoid being a hypocrite in your opinion.
          My recent post 7 Time Tested Techniques for Getting Over Him NOW

        • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

          Because his post does not suggest that he is struggling with his past wrong as much as he's struggling with the mom's sexuality.

          I didn't read anything about a custody agreement, so I'm not sure what he is abiding by or if there is one in place. That would be really useful info to have actually.

          In order to not be a hypocrite he would have to accept that all sins in the bible carry equal weight. So his prior sins are no more or less troubling than what he perceives to be the mother's sin. If they all carry the same weight, than deciding that he needs to teach his daughter about the errors of one, homosexuality, while negating to mention the others, HIS, makes him a hypocrite.

          Teaching his child to be a decent human being has nothing to do with her mom's sexuality. Conflating the issues, while not being equally troubled about his own conduct is where I see an issue.

        • Amicus

          Oh OK, I get what you're saying then.

          I can't answer whether he sees his & her *sins* as equal. In the article he does seem to be struggling with hers 'issues' more than his own. However, IMO that doesn't indicate that he's a hypocrite. Instead, I chalked the imbalance up to the fact that the article was about his problem with her sexuality. I mean, practically speaking it would be impossible (& confusing) for him to talk equally about everything he's ever done wrong in one article. However, I guess it would have been nice for him to point out (maybe in his disclaimer) that he sees their issues as equal.

          Also he said —->"The fact that her mother is the *custodial parent* means that she’s exposed and influenced by what she sees the most."

          which indicates a custody agreement of some sort.

          My recent post Are You OK With Your BF Frequenting Strip Clubs?

  • cynicaloptmst81

    Telling somebody "well you should've thought about that" does what for today? Really, people…

    I'm sure he's aware of what he should've done differently. Hindsight is 20/20 for EVERYONE!!! He's trying to figure out how best to navigate through what the situation is NOW! Smh…

    DG, you are brave for even posting your feelings about this. I wouldn't have done it, honestly, lol. I'm agitated and defensive…and its not even my issue, smh…lol.

    • WisdomIsMisery

      I'm glad DG posted this content here and I welcome the dialogue – those who agree and disagree (respectfully) are, as always, welcome.

      As a side note, I equally admire DG for respectfully addressing the commenters. I probably would have told some of yall about yourselves, but it's easy to judge others behind the veil of anonymity.

      Everyone's perfect… on the Internet.

      • cynicaloptmst81

        "I probably would have told some of yall about yourselves…"

        Yo, I'da gone all the way OFF by now, LOL…smh.

        • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

          In all honesty, some of the comments have been, how shall I say, less than constructive, but dah well.

      • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

        *salutes*

      • Uncle Hugh, BP

        WIM: "As a side note, I equally admire DG for respectfully addressing the commenters. I probably would have told some of yall about yourselves, but it's easy to judge others behind the veil of anonymity."

        This. Given the judgmental tone and ignorance of the bare basics of Christianity by many with a judgmental tone, let's just say if I wrote this, I would have addressed the commenters, but with considerably less respect. After all, they certainly didn't show DG much respect.

    • Starita34

      Someone had to say it CO!
      D@mn people.

      bit.ly/XU2iQG

    • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

      It hopefully helps him see the errors of his current thought process. He is clearly a poor arbiter of morality and maybe that ought to inform what he tries to teach his child about the bible.

      Rather than focusing on mommy being a sinner and violating the bible, maybe he should focus on being a good dad, teaching his child that all are imperfect but that being a decent human being is still possible, even for those who don't want the biblical straight and narrow.

      • SMilez_920

        @Blue how do you know the mother didn’t leave him or they both didn’t come to an agreement that a romantic relationship between them didn’t work.

        He and the mother both had pre-martial chex. Yes in the past both of them didn’t adhere to the book. He’s not saying his perfect, he’s not saying he trying to teach his daughter how to hate. But he believes in the bible, there is a piece in the bible that talks about the lifestyle his child’s mother is living.

        He’s stuck on how he can teach his daughter the bible with out harming the relationship between the mom and the child. He might just want to expose his child to what has helped him grow into a better person. Maybe he wants to teach his daughter the word because he doesn’t want her having pre-martial chex, it could be a host of other things this is just one issue that hits close to home.

        • SMilez_920

          How can we have an open conversation about homosexuality when people decide to talk about their personal struggles with the issue and the first thing you do is bash them. So what he’s not all we are the world open arms about the issue? It doesn’t mean he hates gay people, or is scared of his daughter being gay. Eventually after he deals with his feelings I’m sure he’ll just let his daughter choose her own path and just teach her the Christian principles that will help to positively influence his daughter’s character. And who said he isn’t focused on being a good dad heck this is probably a question he’s asking because he’s trying to be a good dad.

        • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

          I think we are having an open conversation about his comfort level with his child's mom being gay. Saying that homosexuality is not wrong, is not bashing them. Pointing out that his house has some glass walls which should counsel against thumping the bible too heavily against his child's mom's lifestyle is not bashing either.

          He wrote –
          In my heart, I feel how her mother is living is harmful to my child. It’s just how I feel. Is this based on my own judgments or what’s best for my daughter? I can’t necessarily separate the two.

          I don't doubt that he's trying to be a good dad. But even he admits that he can't be sure whether his issue is about his child's best interest or merely his own judgment about homosexuality or both.

          I think it would be an easier conversation to have, if it was actually clear that the mom was actually harming the child. And not just that dad is troubled by his view of things.

        • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

          I do not know that mom did not leave him high and dry. I know that he said she got pregnant and it was the beginning of the end of their relationship and that they were not together when his child was born.

          A romantic relationship did not work but he didn't offer but we stayed friends and worked together to bring this child into the world. Or we realized that we didn't want to marry but that I supported her and was there for her during the end of her pregnancy. Or that she went a little nuts but I chalked it up to hormones and did my level best to support her while she carried my child. He offered none of that. So I'm still left wondering how you could be friends for a year, a christian man strong in his faith, start having sex, get someone pregnant, but a few months into the pregnancy are no longer "with' the mom. I'd like to understand that part better.

          I understand that he's not saying he wants to teach his daughter to hate, but what is the practical options if he tries to each her that her mother's sexuality is a sin and against God's teachings?

        • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

          I don't think there should be any issue or that the mom would object to his teaching his daughter the perils of premarital sex.

          He made the issue about the mom's sexuality. Not merely teaching safe, healthy sex practices to his daughter in general.

          I think few would have objections to a concerned father wanting to help his child safely navigate her budding sexuality in a safe and even faith-based way. However, I read his issues to be related to his objections to the mom's life, not merely wanting to keep his daughter healthy.

  • Peter Parker

    Sorry to hear about this also DG. I must admit, if I was a father this would be very hard to deal with esp. with the incident at your daughter's school. Have you tried getting sole custody of your daughter? I say just keep praying, love your daughter unconditionally, and put your faith in the man up above. At the end of the day, that's all we can do.

  • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

    I truly appreciate the dialogue that this is spawning.

  • cynicaloptmst81

    I'd get into the whole Christians don't live under the law thing but…kinda not the point here, lol.

    Deeming something wrong while struggling in other areas of your life that you may know are equally wrong is called LIFE! That's called being imperfectly human. I think smoking crack is wrong but I eat unhealthy things and don't exercise as often as I should…BOTH violate the commandment to take care of my body though.

    Like Uncle Hugh said, stop calling out hypocrisies when you have some of your own…which is ok cause we ALL do. ;-)

    • Smilez_920

      +1. How many times can someone say they weren’t living right in the past, but now there on a new path. Again this happened years ago both DG and his child’s mother were different people. It doesn’t look like he has a problem with we being gay, but he has a problem about how we behavior is affecting their daughter. She was in school touching and kissig on another girl, I mean come on connect the dots she probably like most children saw something that she shouldn’t have seen. And instead of the mother telling DG she going to say her daughter was just lying.

  • blackphilo

    I'm not sure I understand the problem, practically speaking.

    You got romantically and sexually involved with a woman you knew was, or had been, gay. Apparently, you chose to believe that she was no longer gay, or that she was non-actively bisexual–since she was sexually involved with you. Her involvement with another man after your involvement with her ended seems irrelevant to the overall story and to your circumstances now.

    Your ex was and is now sexually involved with women again. I have no idea why you were shocked about this development, since it was predictable, if not a given.

    Anyway, you are in a co-parenting relationship with this gay or bisexual mother of one of your children. Your beliefs about God's "rules" are functionally irrelevant. Nor is it obvious why your daughter would need to hear from you an Old Testament perspective on sexual morality. That message is already widely available in our society; and your daughter probably has already heard some version of the message. Her mother probably, through word or deed, has already inoculated your daughter against an anti-homosexuality view.

    To be clear, I am not taking any position here as to the sexual morality issue. I'm just describing the likely scenario. Your hardly neutral position as a father who is alienated from the mother–and as a religious believer in traditional sexual morality, which would put your daughter at odds with her mother and primary caregiver–will effectively compromise the force of your anti-homosexuality "teachings."

    The prudent course of action for you in co-parenting–if the aim is to play a constructive role, mostly from afar, in your daughter's life–is to stop prioritizing what you "feel" and your "heart." This isn't about you, at least given your likely influence. Your daughter will be raised mainly by a lesbian. The kind of person your daughter grows up to be will encompass a lot more than sexuality, let alone her mother's sexuality. If you make a point of criticizing homosexuality, your daughter can be expected to take this as tacit criticism of her mother. Appealing to the Bible won't help–and your relationship with your daughter (and your ex) will almost certainly suffer.

    In short, I'd focus on playing a constructive role with regard to other vital areas of your daughter's life.

    • http://twitter.com/Blu_wire11 @Blu_wire11

      I wish I could have said it half as well myself.

      I think we found the answer he was looking for.

      • blackphilo

        Thanks for the appreciation.

        And thanks to DG for sharing his story and perspective so openly. The situation raises interesting, important issues that go beyond sexual morality.

  • Amicus

    I don't really see how this is very different from MANY other family situations. I mean, even when two people are married and raising kids together there are bound to be issues that the couple disagree on – so what do those people tell their kids? Probably not that mommy/daddy is going to hell, cause that would obviously be really damaging to the kid (not to mention arrogant). Instead, they probably just tell their kids that on this issue, mommy & daddy disagree. The only reason this particular disagreement feels like a big deal is b/c homosexuality is in the news a lot as a politically divisive issue.

    It's not that I don't feel DB's pain. I do! I think that raising a child with someone who is very different from you can be difficult simple because you have so much invested in how your child turns out and yet, you have to give up SO MUCH control over the messages she receives. That's a very tough position to be in. *prayersascending*

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  • MsKimbeefly

    Well, I don't have much to say about the author's actual dilemma. I do however want to comment on what i deem to be appropriate exposure of a child to homosexual behaviors.

    My high school had a daycare that I was actively involved in. One of the little boys who was in daycare had a brother who attended the high school and was gay. The little boy, who was 3 years old, would try to mimic his brother's behavior. One of those behaviors happened to be that his brother would hold hands with other boys.

    Well, all the other boys would become angry and snatch there hands away. The sadness thing to me was the little boy was being shunned and mistreated and didn't understand why. To him, his brother's behavior was completely normal. The only problem is that the other kids didn't think that it was.

    I could never be so selfish to expose my child to behaviors that when mimicked too soon could have dire consequences for him.

    Regardless of how we want our society to be and what we want people to accept, we must recognize that we live in a largely heteronormative society both in policy and practice. It is a parents' job to ensure that there child grows up as normal as possible, children who grow up with abnormalities (such as inadequate food and shelter) in their lives report strong feelings of insecurity and worthlessness.

    This is not to say that I disagree with parenting, co parenting or not with parents that are gay because i don't.

    What i do believe is that children should be limited to the exposure to homosexual behaviors until they are of age where most children are able to accept these behaviors. It is perfectly fine for the child to grow up with two fathers or two mothers but that child should not exposed to intimacy between these parties until they are beyond the formative years.

    This is how we processed it in school:
    Elementary: Boys like girls
    Middle: Girls like girls
    High: Girls like girls, boys like girls, boys like boys

    • Southerngyrl_

      Your whole comment…wow.

      I am trying to be good on this site, but I am side eyeing your whole "theory" completely.

      • mskimbeefly

        I'm not stating my opinion with any type of authority, I'm just a person with an opinion.
        i'm just saying that you want that children should be exposed to what they can handle. I know the mom was probably waited until a certain age before she was prepared to handle the backlash of being gay. why not do the same for her child?

    • starita34

      Excellent point.
      There is tolerance and there is acceptance.
      There is building self esteem and confidence and there is setting your kid up for hurt.
      This reminded me of a great discussion we had on this very site a few moons ago.
      http://www.singleblackmale.org/2010/11/02/raising
      Excellent dialouge on this post that relates to your comment.

      • mskimbeefly

        I'm glad that you could read through all the errors. lol

        "I'm not stating my opinion with any type of authority, I'm just a person with an opinion.
        i'm just saying that children should be exposed to what they can handle. I know the mom probably waited until a certain age before she was prepared to handle the backlash of being gay. Why not do the same for her child?"

        Thanks for linking to that article!

  • Southerngyrl_

    I remember my Mom always said that religion and politics are some of the most controversial topics you are ever going run into. Anytime you bring up a subject that has either one, it is going to be sticky. That was probably not the intention, but when a topic like this pops up and you have people on either side of the coin being defensive or concerned about someone attacking their beliefs, it is sure to get a bit strained. That is also what happens when you open up your life, if only a little, for the world to see. I applaud you for doing so, as I am sure it took a lot of courage to do.

    On that note, I don't think anyone should get told off, or slammed for responding in the way they see fit. If it got really ugly, then sure, but this is a touchy subject. It is a controversial issue in the world, especially in American right now.

    I know someone mentioned anonymity earlier. It doesn't matter. This is the internet. People can say one thing here and live a lie later. Such is life. Also, we all make judgments, whether it is about a situation or a person. I am wary of anyone who says they don't. All that being said, as long as you and your child's mother do what you need to do to make sure your daughter is a happy and productive member of society, then it will all fall into place. It will take work, but it is possible. In the end, the little details may end up being less important than you think.

  • SMilez_920

    DG: God sends us test through other people sometimes. Maybe this is a test for you to go back and reread the scripture and redefine your faith. Kind of like Dr. Jays post. As a parent you are here to guide your child in love. You can expose her to the bible in pieces as she gets older. But I think this issue is really a chance for you to reevaluate. I think as long as your teaching your daughter how to be a good person and how to love she’ll eventually find her own path of worship and how to worship and what the words in the bible mean to her and her life.

    I personally don’t think you have a problem with your ex being gay. I just think you’re at a fork in the road your feelings toward the situation (not that you have some type of personal hate). Sometimes we have to put our feelings to the side and just simply pay attention to how and what the kid feels and then proceed from there.

  • cynicaloptmst81

    May and WILL are two different things…and who's to say he even thought that deeply about it at the time (the possibility of her switching teams again)? Again, the child was NOT planned. Should he have thought about the possiblity before sleeping with her? Sure. But, NOTHING can be done about that now.

    Again, if someone SAYS for themself what it is or isn't, it is highly understandable to expect a person to keep that position. Its not arrogant to expect someone to live according to their own declarations. Are we all free to change? Yes. But, expect it? I don't think so. Be surprised by it? Nope…shouldn't be. My father is a recovering addict. Do I expect him to relapse? NO! Would I be surprised if he did? No. Will I treat him like he's on the verge of a relapse because of his past tendencies? NO!

    What the article says is that she was gay (not bi) and that they were both in a getting right with God phase at the time they reconnected…which resulted in her dating him and men after him.

  • EyesopenEast

    Brother Dark Gable. I appreciate your post. This question or predicament has been discussed in our circles more frequently then I would like. Per your committed faith continue in your convictions. I am finding it trouble some that homosexuality continues to get a pass of being "natural". If we believe and quote the bible in all wrong doings ( pre-marital, lust, homsexuality) etc then you are a believer and not a bible thumper.

    Per the daughter and the man in question. It is unfortunate that this predicament has arisen not just for him but in other families. Cases like these will pit the believer versus the non believer. Clearly looking at the comment section , everyone is PC or Loud and proud. Parental actions and habits can influence a kid. Why don't people accept that. As a future parent i would not be ok with a same sex kid hitting on my child. The innocence of it is no longer there due to our society.

    For our unnatural actions there consequences….STD's , Unwanted pregnancy , etc. So dude in story will have to deal with this conflict. His punishment but also will have to insure to convey to his daughter that this is not favorable.

    And for those who will come this way… I simply ask this , if you believe as you say you do weekly why do you justify things we can read are not acceptable? What because its PC? Anyway keep living and striving for the right thing …

  • cortonio

    I just feel it's going to be a detriment to the child. I'm not telling people who to fall in love with, but how is a child supposed to explain who is the mom and who's the dad? A woman can't teach a boy how to be a man, just like a man can't teach a girl how to be a woman. I knew of a little boy some tears back who was clowned by his school mates because he had lesbian parents. I can imagine the trauma and confusion he faced. I pose a question to any fellow commentors, which would you deem worse two male parents or two female parents?
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  • http://www.opinionatedmale.com cortonio

    I pardon the repeated comments, the comp froze and i refreshed the screen

  • DistinctAura

    I am going through this with my lesbian sister. She picks my kids up from daycare because I work too far and can't make it there on time. I am torn and feel like I'm letting my kids down. As a christian woman I am allowing them to be exposed to her alternate lifestyle as if its acceptable. I don't put her down but in the same token kids have absolutely no discernment on this matter. Heck hetrosexual adults can barely understand it. I believe in letting kids be kids as long as they can life is going to beat them up enough why distort their perception/spirits so early on…intentionally. I say intentionally because my sister has two children and a soon to be ex husband. When gay people use the term I'm going to live my life the way I want to….its selfish. I cant judge her (my sister) but believe if thats how she wants to live keep it out of sight of your children they are only 5 and 7. Wait until they are grown. She says things like well my daughter can be gay but my son better not be. All the while not taking accountability for her influence on there decisions. Think about all the broken adults you know. (Not just from gay/lesbain homes/ substance abuse/poverty/mental illness/verbal/physical abuse etc…) my point is 9 times out of 10 they started out as children with broken spirits and just simply grew into bigger hurting broken adults. I don't believe in homosexuality and it's selfish to expose young children to your lifestyle.