The Male Ego and Unfaithful Women

unfaithful black woman

“I’m supposed to trust it, after he touched it?” — Beanie Sigel, “Bread and Butter”

If you went outside and polled 100 men on what would happen if his woman cheated on him, it’s a safe bet roughly 99 of those men would say they’d kick her to the curb. For some men (I’m playing it safe here), cheating is an unforgivable sin and the worst thing a woman could do to a man.

There are more than a few reasons why a man might view a woman as “damaged goods” after she cheats. The three I’m going to discuss are: 1) the male ego; 2) society deems it necessary; and 3) the fact that it was a deliberate act and the man found out about it.

Let’s start with:

THE MALE EGO

Once a man decides to commit to a woman, he believes he picked the “right” woman. The woman who will pledge her undying loyalty (extreme? yeah…I know) to him and forsake all others in order to be with him.

Men believe this to be true because we understand women have the unique ability to create tunnel vision once they decide they’re interested in a man. I made a joke once that men will date and sleep with women almost all the way up until the point where he makes the woman he’s been dating his girlfriend. Women, on the other hand, will find a man that they’re really into and disregard all the other men who might come in between…read more.

Are women better equipped, emotionally and mentally, to accept when a man is unfaithful? Do men take being cheated on worse than women?

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  • Larry

    Good post…the male ego is very fragile indeed, lol.

    I'm scared to even look at the comment section over at MN, smh, lol. Hopefully they won't burn you too harshly at the stake there, brother. lol.

  • cynicaloptmst81

    Are women better equipped, emotionally and mentally, to accept when a man is unfaithful? – I think women, in general, are more willing to forgive and hope for the best rather than start over with someone who may very well do the same. Personally, that's a dealbreaker.

    Do men take being cheated on worse than women? – I think both are equally hurt/damaged. I just believe men are less willing to forgive…for all the reasons you listed, lol.

  • larnelw

    Not only do I agree that the male ego is more fragile but I believe that men love far harder than women. So to break that trust and violate that love we have runs so deep its virtually irreparable.

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

      I was ranting about this on Twitter just yesterday lol I’ll dedicate a full post next week. Working title, “women do not have a monopoly on heartbreak.”

      • Uncle Hugh, BP

        I was ranting about this on Twitter just yesterday lol I'll dedicate a full post next week. Working title, "women do not have a monopoly on heartbreak."

        Looking forward to next Monday already. I'll make sure to have popcorn on hand.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      "…but I believe that men love far harder than women"

      My father and I discussed this on Sunday. As much as I hate to admit it, I actually agree.

    • bellatrice1

      I think men love a lot harder as well. I think they are far more protective of their hearts and "ego," so when they do let a woman in, it's the real deal. It's a little easier for women to fall.
      My recent post Married with Friends

  • Southerngyrl_

    I agree to an extent. I don't know if I agree with the assumption that men are less willing to forgive. I think it is about even between the sexes, but women are more willing to admit to it.

    There are many guys out there who took an ex (gf or wife) back after infidelity. A good show to watch is Unfaithful: Stories of Betrayal. It is a reality TV guilty pleasure forme, but definitely delves into the hows and whys of why people cheat. I think for the majority of the cases where a woman cheated (on the show), their husbands took them back.

    The craziest ones were the ones were the woman or man created a child during the affair. Worst one in my eyes was when the lady had a baby (not her husband's) after years of infertility and her husband made her give the baby up for adoption.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      In my world, the only way a guy takes a woman back after she's cheated is:

      1. He, after moving beyond the hurt from the betrayal, feels at fault because he neglected her
      2. He cheated in the past himself
      3. He's currently cheating

      • Southerngyrl_

        If that is what you were exposed to, I can see why you think that. In my experience I have seen many men and women stay with spouses who have cheated. I am talking about people who were married 30+ years too. This is what people don't understand when they talk about these "great" couples who have been together a long time. A good bit of them had their own issues to work out and a lot of those same couples dealt with infidelity. That doesn't mean they aren't still great, but they definitely had rocky times.

        We are always so shocked when we find a man stayed with an unfaithful woman, but I think we just don't even talk about it as much. I have seen a lot of good guys get cheated on and take their wives back. These are nice, attentive guys who are good fathers and good providers. The thing is, men aren't going to talk about it. Usually we found out because she was caught out there.

        • Smilez_920

          I don't think people are shocked, I think deep down they know men who have taken their wives back, it just that men don't come out in public as often and talk about it. Your last paragraph reminded me of "why did I get married 2" how Tyler Perry’s wife was cheating or having an affair and he was a good dad husband even forgave her about getting her tubes tied behind his back.

          While a lot of great married couples have faced infidelity, at some point you have to have a boundary in regards to how much you will put up with from somebody. I mean if cheating and having a baby outside of our marriage isn’t the line, then what is? I mean the line is different for everyone

        • Southerngyrl_

          True. I think we take it as women as if it is supposed to be our lot in life, but when it happens to a man it is supposed to so much more devastating. I didn't grow up like that so I can't take the whole a man will be a man thing seriously.

          Per your last paragraph, the show had one woman whose husband was an NBA player I think (you see where I am going with this?) He lost a job because of his infidelities. He gave her an STI. I mean over and over and over. After a while I just started shaking my head. She says she stayed because his Mom and her pastor told her to work it out. My thing is, where the hell was her line? crazy

        • SMilez_920

          o0o i don't like the "A man will be a man " thing either. I'm not married so I guess my prespective is coming from a gf/bf relationship. I think when it comes to marriage men and women are quite even when it comes to forgiveness and taking the spouse back. In gf/bf situations, I think that's when men really draw that line.

      • Bree

        Right On Cyn. And if he truly truly loves the woman with his heart and soul and doesn't want to let her go.

  • SMilez_920

    I think women have been taught that most men stray and that his heart and p3nis are separate. Most men have been taught that a woman’s heart works in unison with her v@gina. I mean how often do we hear men and women say “Men cheat just to cheat or selfish vs. women cheat because of emotion”.

    I don’t think women are better equipped to handle cheating, we just accept it more, and we tend to put our pride aside in some cases just not to be lonely.

    • Bree

      Exactly Smilez. Its more accepted amongst women and has been accepted since the beginning of time.
      Simply a double-standard that has been around forever and will always be around (probably).

  • Peter Parker

    "There’s also the psychological aspect. A man must sit down and realize that the woman he’s given his heart to, his love to, and sacrificed for, has laid with another. " This right here sums it up for me. Thinking that I will always be compared to this dude in the bed if I decided to take her back would be too much…

    • http://glippost.wordpress.com Darrk Gable

      The psychological plays into the physiological as well. Extending your thoughts further, some men wouldn't be able to "perform" if this was always a thought with their woman. Feelings of inadequacy become selffulfilling, resulting in more problems between the two. Now, he takes his issues out on her and blames them on her (arguably they are her fault), which results in her needing to get free of the accusations. Thus, a cycle is formed.
      My recent post Painful Transparency

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    Smilez_920: "I mean I'm sure it hard to live with a child your partner produced outside of the marriage/relationship."

    Especially if that child looks like the other man. That child is probably going to catch all kinds of abuse and scorn.

  • Southerngyrl_

    You'd be surprised by how many people have dealt with the situation of having a child created outside of their relationship/marriage. I tried to count just now and came up with 5 without even really trying. Sad.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      Ever seen Neyo's Behind the Music episode?

      Heartbreaking. Smh.

      • Smilez_920

        Yea but Neyo was different he actually thought the kid was his, so he was already attached. But his mother was like "Nope, not yours"…… Mama always knows…

        • cynicaloptmst81

          It's actually worse! Then, he had to pay her off cause he signed the birth certificate…THEN she disappeared!

          Man…

          Chicks like that boil my BLOOD!!!!

        • Smilez_920

          She was low..real low… Buhis mother called it before she even had the baby… I felt so bad for him he actually loved that boy blood or not

      • Southerngyrl_

        No, not a fan of Neyo as an artist, but I did hear about that situation. Shady ass heffa. He should have been able to sue her. I am a firm believer in DNA tests all the way. If you have any doubt, screw it, even if you don't have doubts, get a test.

        That goes into another situation that gets on my nerves, dudes not demanding DNA tests.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          http://madamenoire.com/266805/ne-yos-gets-stung-w

          …clearly, she has NO shame and ran out of her $500K, smh

        • Southerngyrl_

          That ish right there is a cautionary tale. He lucked out (even though he was hurt) when he found out that the child wasn't his. He dodged a bullet. If she acts like this when there is NO child, just think about what she could do to his life if they did have a child?

          I don't think he should have settled with her in the first place.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          The law in Cali was working against him. There, even if the child ends up NOT being yours, if you signed the birth certificate, the kid IS financially yours. Messed up, right?!

          "I wasn't sure and he made it seem like I deceived him on purpose…"

          DUMMY! If you didn't tell him you weren't sure, you DID deceive him ON PURPOSE! You let him sign the birth certificate WHILE you were unsure!!!!!

          …grinds my gears!!!!!!

  • kiesh

    Meh. Women just accept cheating more b/c their relationship status and sense of self worth tend to be tied together more. For MANY women "having a man" is better than not, even if he's a lying, cheating, bastard. I just witnessed a woman clown her divorced cousin for being "single again" meanwhile HER husband has outside babies living down the damn street. But at least she got a man doe. SMH.

    • Bree

      That too Kiesh. Women tend to need men for care-taking and stability and protection more than they need us.
      Men need us to fulfil their sexual desires and for companionship. Everything else they can do themselves. They don't need us in the same capacity as we need them.

  • Adonis

    Men & women are doing what is best for them.

    • Michael Everette

      doing what is worse for their reputation as infidels. Except a womans vagina has no "Delete History" feature and she is more likely to be cast by society as a whore or slut. If a man cheats its a totally different outcome.

  • MaggK

    Are women better equipped, emotionally and mentally, to accept when a man is unfaithful? No. i guess the only reason they accept it, is because it's hard out there like Kiesh said lol… Am i saying they are settling? kind of yes! Then again plenty of couples with infidelity issues are super fine now… I don't think your ability to accept an unfaithful partner depends on your sex. It's more about what are your limits as a person.

    Do men take being cheated on worse than women? I know some women who will just unleash their crazy as soon as they find out about an other woman… I won't say men take it worse, it's just that men and women have different ways to deal with the pain. Not to sure about the men love harder theory…

  • Michael Everette

    Whores will be whores……and most unfaithful women come from an unguided single mother family where the father is absentee and takes after a mother who dates several men during her childhood and teenage years. Fact is; She's a runner and uses men and a staircase to get to the top only to be pushed down to the ground floor because temptation always leaves her stranded. She gives many red flags before hand; but most faithful men, including myself, are blind to that fact out of love and obligation. I thank my ex-wife for cheating on me….Would have never found my soul-mate.