There are moments in life for which perfect preparation is impossible – moments where, no matter how much effort and energy you put into getting your world ready for its alteration, it is impossible to truly be ready for just how dramatic the change you are about to experience will be. I am standing at the precipice of that kind of change. I’m having a boy, my first child. I am approaching fatherhood.
When the Mrs. and I first found out we were having a child, I immediately went on one of those mommy sites and created a calendar based on our due date. The calendar essentially outlines day by day tidbits and important notes based on where you are in your pregnancy. I pretty much check it daily. Today’s update:
“Babies born now are considered full term.”
How exciting is that? It’s essentially saying he can come any minute now. Obviously, with such a major event staring me in the face, I’ve got a ton on my mind. Today I want to share with you all a few of the unadulterated, uncensored thoughts running through this expectant father’s brain.
5. The Sins Of The Father
“If the prophecy’s correct, then the child should have to pay, for the sins of the father so I barter my tomorrows against my yesterdays…” ~Jay-Z
My father has been gone for almost twenty years. Still, sometimes, when the sun is at my back at just the right angle and I catch a glimpse of the shadow’s gait in front of me, I see him and it scares me. At no time in my life have I ever thought more about all the wrong I’ve done than I have as I’ve awaited the arrival of my son. I don’t mean this in the Old Testament, biblical sort of way… I mean it in a practical and pragmatic sort of way. My son will watch me and in doing so, I hope the best parts of me soak in. But it is inevitable that at some point he’ll become acquainted with the parts of me I fight against. These last few months I’ve spent more time than I care to admit thinking about how my shortcomings will show themselves in my son. Just how close to the tree will the apple fall?
4. I Want To Meet My Son.
“To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.” ~Ernest Hemingway
Right now everything in our life is about preparing our world for this little man whom I’ve never met. He’s this little thing, this little omniscient presence impacting everything we do without ever having been seen. He exists, we know he’s there, he kicks and punches and gets the hiccups, and we drop what we’re doing to pay attention to him in futile attempts at ascertaining his unascertainable motivations. Still, I have yet to meet him. All of this thought and preparation for someone I’ve never met is a bit surreal. It’s impossible to explain to you how out-of-this-world it feels to have a person be this here but not really here.
Sometime soon, there’s going to come a moment when he goes from being something I’m imagining to something I can touch and hold. Sometime soon, I’ll be able to attach a face to the little guy that has so dominated my thoughts these last 9 months. I can’t wait for that. And looking out further into the future – I can’t wait to meet my son as an adult. To sit down with him, man to man – loving each other as only a father and is son can.
3. What Will His Personality Be Like?
“A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.” ~Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not at all into horoscopes. But as far as predicting what the little homey’s personality will be like, that’s really all I have. Here’s what the stars say about an Aries men:
Let’s start with a disclaimer: you might not like what you hear. Or, you might just shout “finally!” The Aries man has a very specific, grand and demanding vision for his ultimate relationship. In life, he orders everything customized to his tastes, and those tastes are very particular. He may not subconsciously realize that human beings, imbued with things like personalities and free will, can’t conform to his fantasies on demand. He’d rather just find that “needle in the haystack” relationship, the impossible dream come true. When he finds that, he gives it every ounce of his being. He turns off the selfish switch and pours on the giving. So why would he do that for just anyone?
The Aries man is great at either having lots of sex with lots of different people, or being completed devoted to one woman. Nothing in between. He’s too impatient to master the finer points of courtship. It doesn’t even occur to him. The Aries man is endearingly authentic to a fault. Even if he’s dating multiple women when you meet, he’ll just tell you outright. Although it may seem crude, his open-book policy can actually create a space of greater trust.
On a more personal level – I wonder whether he’ll be more like me, or more like his mom. The Mrs. is very chill, laid back – until you get on her bad side. She’s a generally kind hearted and good natured woman. She feels things, deeply and passionately. She likes to do… stuff. Me, I’m an extroverted introvert. I’d probably rather be home chillin, but if I’m out, I’m gonna be the life of the party. I can be a bit cold at times, but I can also be loving and tender when I want to be. How will our personalities come together in him. Will he be a mama’s boy (please Lord, no), will he love sports like I do? What about women – will he be a ladies man? What if he happens to play for the other team? How might I handle that? And what will he look like? Will he have her forehead and my nose? My eyes, her mouth. I have this stupid little dimple thing in my chin… is he gonna have one of those too? Both of us are a pretty short… where will his height max out? All these sorts of things run through my mind constantly and all will be answered in due time.
slide on over to page 2 where I discuss this idea of unconditional love and my discovery of my greatest fear. –>
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