Home Featured I’m Having A Boy: Fear, Excitement and Anxiousness as Fatherhood Approaches

I’m Having A Boy: Fear, Excitement and Anxiousness as Fatherhood Approaches

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father_and_son

There are moments in life for which perfect preparation is impossible – moments where, no matter how much effort and energy you put into getting your world ready for its alteration, it is impossible to truly be ready for just how dramatic the change you are about to experience will be. I am standing at the precipice of that kind of change. I’m having a boy, my first child. I am approaching fatherhood.

When the Mrs. and I first found out we were having a child, I immediately went on one of those mommy sites and created a calendar based on our due date. The calendar essentially outlines day by day tidbits and important notes based on where you are in your pregnancy. I pretty much check it daily. Today’s update:

“Babies born now are considered full term.”

How exciting is that? It’s essentially saying he can come any minute now. Obviously, with such a major event staring me in the face, I’ve got a ton on my mind. Today I want to share with you all a few of the unadulterated, uncensored thoughts running through this expectant father’s brain.

5. The Sins Of The Father

“If the prophecy’s correct, then the child should have to pay, for the sins of the father so I barter my tomorrows against my yesterdays…” ~Jay-Z



My father has been gone for almost twenty years. Still, sometimes, when the sun is at my back at just the right angle and I catch a glimpse of the shadow’s gait in front of me, I see him and it scares me. At no time in my life have I ever thought more about all the wrong I’ve done than I have as I’ve awaited the arrival of my son. I don’t mean this in the Old Testament, biblical sort of way… I mean it in a practical and pragmatic sort of way. My son will watch me and in doing so, I hope the best parts of me soak in. But it is inevitable that at some point he’ll become acquainted with the parts of me I fight against. These last few months I’ve spent more time than I care to admit thinking about how my shortcomings will show themselves in my son. Just how close to the tree will the apple fall?

4. I Want To Meet My Son.

“To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.” ~Ernest Hemingway

Right now everything in our life is about preparing our world for this little man whom I’ve never met. He’s this little thing, this little omniscient presence impacting everything we do without ever having been seen. He exists, we know he’s there, he kicks and punches and gets the hiccups, and we drop what we’re doing to pay attention to him in futile attempts at ascertaining his unascertainable motivations. Still, I have yet to meet him. All of this thought and preparation for someone I’ve never met is a bit surreal. It’s impossible to explain to you how out-of-this-world it feels to have a person be this here but not really here.

Sometime soon, there’s going to come a moment when he goes from being something I’m imagining to something I can touch and hold. Sometime soon, I’ll be able to attach a face to the little guy that has so dominated my thoughts these last 9 months. I can’t wait for that. And looking out further into the future – I can’t wait to meet my son as an adult. To sit down with him, man to man – loving each other as only a father and is son can.

3. What Will His Personality Be Like?

“A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.” ~Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not at all into horoscopes. But as far as predicting what the little homey’s personality will be like, that’s really all I have. Here’s what the stars say about an Aries men:

Let’s start with a disclaimer: you might not like what you hear. Or, you might just shout “finally!” The Aries man has a very specific, grand and demanding vision for his ultimate relationship. In life, he orders everything customized to his tastes, and those tastes are very particular. He may not subconsciously realize that human beings, imbued with things like personalities and free will, can’t conform to his fantasies on demand. He’d rather just find that “needle in the haystack” relationship, the impossible dream come true. When he finds that, he gives it every ounce of his being. He turns off the selfish switch and pours on the giving. So why would he do that for just anyone?

The Aries man is great at either having lots of sex with lots of different people, or being completed devoted to one woman. Nothing in between. He’s too impatient to master the finer points of courtship. It doesn’t even occur to him. The Aries man is endearingly authentic to a fault. Even if he’s dating multiple women when you meet, he’ll just tell you outright. Although it may seem crude, his open-book policy can actually create a space of greater trust.

On a more personal level – I wonder whether he’ll be more like me, or more like his mom. The Mrs. is very chill, laid back – until you get on her bad side. She’s a generally kind hearted and good natured woman. She feels things, deeply and passionately. She likes to do… stuff. Me, I’m an extroverted introvert. I’d probably rather be home chillin, but if I’m out, I’m gonna be the life of the party. I can be a bit cold at times, but I can also be loving and tender when I want to be. How will our personalities come together in him. Will he be a mama’s boy (please Lord, no), will he love sports like I do? What about women – will he be a ladies man? What if he happens to play for the other team? How might I handle that?  And what will he look like? Will he have her forehead and my nose? My eyes, her mouth. I have this stupid little dimple thing in my chin… is he gonna have one of those too? Both of us are a pretty short… where will his height max out? All these sorts of things run through my mind constantly and all will be answered in due time.

slide on over to page 2 where I discuss this idea of unconditional love and my discovery of my greatest fear. –>

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“If the relationship of father to son could really be reduced to biology, the whole earth would blaze with the glory of fathers and sons” ~James Baldwin

I’ve always believed that love was a choice. Love for me, isn’t so much something you feel as much as it’s something you decide to wake up every day and do. The kind of love folks say they feel is really just a smattering of emotions that come and go, changing – sometimes with the seasons. It’s not really love. I want to know what it’s like to be incapable of not loving someone. I want to know what it’s like to love someone from the moment you set your eyes on them. I think i’m going to feel that when my son comes. I hope I do.

“In the little world in which children have their existence, whosoever brings them up, there is nothing more finely perceived or finely felt as injustice.” ~Charles Dickens

I’ve never been afraid of death. I realize that it’s pretty popular for black men to say they aren’t afraid of anything. We grow up hearing our favorite rappers say things like “I  fear no man but God,’ and naming their albums ‘Ready To Die’. Fear, in our community is loathsome – anti-masculine. But my lack of fear – as it relates to death – was not born out of some sort of unhealthy adolescent idolatry. I never feared death because I came to know it… intimately.  I’ve seen death, been as close to it without it actually being me as one possibly can and the thing that’s stuck with me most from being so close to it has always been its inevitability. We’re all going to die and there’s no way around that.  I’ve always had this feeling in the back of my mind, an inkling that my time on this Earth might not be too long. This preoccupation with death has never been severe enough to significantly alter how I approach living, but the thought has always been there, nagging. When I first got married I told my wife how I wanted my funeral and what to do with her life should I meet an unexpected but unsurprising end.

Everything is different now. I’m afraid of dying – not for me, but for my son. So much of who I am has been constructed around what I’ve lost. And while I’ve always loved the me that has been wrought from the absences I’ve endured, I don’t want the foundation of my son’s personality to be based on him getting over me. I don’t want his pride to be built on how he survived. I don’t want him to wonder what unconditional love feels like. I want him to grow and reach his full emotional potential. And long after I’m gone, when the sun is setting at his back, I want him to look down at the gait of the shadow cast before him – see me – and smile. I want to live – for him – and that desire has created a fear in me that previously never existed. And you know what … I’m ok with that.

My son is on the way y’all. I’m going to be a father. Pray for me and also pray for the world because only lord knows whether or not it’s ready for Lil’ Sprads. With less than one month left to go till his arrival – I’m telling myself the same thing I’m always telling you …



stay low and keep firing.

Mr.Spradley@singleblackmale.org | Twitter: @MrSpradley
[email protected] | Twitter: @MrSpradley

stay low and keep firing.

Mr.Spradley@singleblackmale.org | Twitter: @MrSpradley
[email protected] | Twitter: @MrSpradley

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  • Im right there with you, except I’m having a daughter. Eye opener as she is 8 weeks out

    • CrayolaGirl

      Congratulations!

    • Congratulations to you as well sir. That should be an interesting journey for you. Especially the tween years. Be the gentleman in her life from now so she knows what one looks like later on.

      Mr. SoBo
      OpinionatedMale.com
      My recent post 10 Things Every Mother Should Teach Their Daughters

    • My man. Congrats! See you on the other side…

  • AfterMath

    Congrats!
    My recent post Sudoku Program Updates

  • Lagoschick

    OMG Most! This was so touching. Congratulations and all the best.

  • CrayolaGirl

    Congratulations!!!

  • Smilez_920

    Congrats …. Babies are an adventure, being a new parent is a journey but its worth it . I don’t have any children but me and my little brother are 10 yrs apart so when he was born I kind of got to see him grow up and all those adventures parents go through with children I got too see first hand . I know if anything were to happen to my parents I would be responsible for him , so I always felt like a big sister / guardian.

    One tip: boys only get more Dare devilish as they get older lol so be prepared for the fun … It’ll give you great memories to laugh at when they get older so it evens out.

    • Thanks Smilez … for the congratulations and for the advice.

  • Great post brother. Congratulations and good luck.

  • Sayo Ogunlegan

    Congrats on fatherhood! As a man, I’m glad to see that fatherhood can be approached in such a meaningful way. Sometimes men of our race amplify only the gloom and impending doom of expectancy. Cheers, and may it be all you hope it is.

    • Sayo – thanks fam. Appreciate that. Definitely feeling great about it and thought… why not share it with the world.

  • Streetz

    Told you this many times, but you will be an excellent father, and Mrs an even greater mom. Im excite dfor the mentorship and life your son has prepared for him.

    • Uncle Streetz better baby proof the Ac so that you and the lil homey can kick.. lol.

      And thanks fam.

  • cynicaloptmst81

    "I want to know what it’s like to be incapable of not loving someone. I want to know what it’s like to love someone from the moment you set your eyes on them. I think i’m going to feel that when my son comes. I hope I do."

    That line right there ^^^^ almost brought me to tears!

    Don't hope…it'll happen. And I can't wait for you to write about it. I'm positive the Mommy in me WILL cry then, lol.

    All the best to you and yours…how exciting!!!! My oldest is an Aries…very selfish…even more loving. He makes everyone feel like they are his favorite person.

    Advice: SLEEP NOW! And when the baby comes, let him sleep in the nursery at the hospital! Cause when you go home with your baby boy, YOU WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE SLEEP AS YOU KNOW IT AGAIN!!!!!!!! And, you'll get minimal sleep during the first 2-3 months. SLEEP NOW! Limit vacations and activities…rest up.

    • Thanks CO! I know I know… gotta sleep now. I'm trying.

      I like your description of Aries. I can deal with that.

  • h.h.h.

    congrats man, and good luck.

  • samxxviii

    Congratulations! and bless you and your wife on your newest addition to your family.

    I like the post, it seems very relatable with the feelings you're going through while your first child arrives. I'm sure he'll be very handsome and I hope to see pics. 🙂

    • Thanks Sam. I'm sure I'll post at least a couple on here!

  • Peter Parker

    Good post and Congrats!

    • Spidey! Good looking out playboy. Appreciate it.

  • Bree

    Congrats Sprads. I think you will probably be a great dad.
    This is your first and everyone over-worries and over-stresses with their first. But after this one it will get easier, (or so I've heard). *smile*
    My one piece of advice: put the baby in your room while he is a newborn especially if he is nursing. Its just easier. I know many people who have gotten jacked up and tripped and fell a lot waking up all the time every 2 to 3 hours in the wee hours of the morning from 1 to 5 am trying to get to their babies room. As he gets older if u worry about him coming between u and ur wife in the bedroom take him out and put him in his own room. But in the beginning, trust me its easier to just keep him in ur room.

    Peace & Blessings 🙂

    • Thanks Bree – for the congrats and the advice!

  • Posts like this almost make me reconsider having children, then I come back to my senses.
    Congratulations!

    • Sylque! Don't fight it! Join the club…. j/k.

      Thanks for the kind words… really appreciate them.

  • GirlSixx

    Congratulations!!!!

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    It's an awesome ride. Seeing their personalities develop, watching them explore and hearing how they describe the world is a fulfililng, and often hilarious, experience.

    Congrats.

  • Congrats!!!! *hug*

  • Mr. SD

    Congrats sir!

  • Anastasia!!!

    I love when you write. It's so beautiful! I still pass around the piece you wrote about Frank Ocean!

    Congratulations and God Bless!!!

    • I appreciate that Anastasia… seriously. I write for people like you!

      Thanks.

  • Tellylonglegs

    I am so happy for you and the misses!! Congrats!!!!

  • Congratulations. This will be a journey that never gets old. Every day will bring new joys and excitement to you. Cherish the moments you share with your little one, because they grow up fast. 8 weeks old in your arms today; 8 years old in what seems like a matter of 2 years. Time flies when you have children.
    Oh, and video tape EVERYTHING. You will want to revisit the memories in about 10 years.

    Mr. SoBo
    OpinionatedMale.com
    My recent post 10 Things Every Father Should Teach Their Sons

  • oooooh ok…

    Just came in to say, "CONGRATS!!!!"
    Stay Blessed 🙂

  • [email protected]

    Congrats to you and the Mrs.! Such a wonderful post. All of your emotions are radiating through this and it is a beautiful thing. I'll pray for the little one's health and your family's journey. Be blessed and know your e-fam is here!

  • krystllyght

    Congratulations! I'm excited about TheMostInterestingJuniorInTheWorld! It was really touching to read your point of view on this. You and Mrs. Most will be great parents.

  • MaggK

    Oh wow i'm so excited for you!!!!
    Congratulations to you and your wife!!!

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