Why You Don’t Mind Interracial Dating Until You Have To See It

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If you’ve been reading my writing on the internet for any amount of time you know that I try and stay away from topics around Interracial Dating. I have never really seen a productive conversation about the topic take place and it all depends on where you are how the conversation will play itself out. For example, I really could never expect to have a real and honest conversation about interracial dating on SBM. It’s not a knock at the readers, although some of the readers here are deserving, but it’s because we know the demographics of the readers here and very few of you are dating interracially. With that low number of readers who actually engage in interracial dating, any conversation about the topic would prove unproductive unless it was only at an observational level.

I must confess, I’ve been sitting on this article for a long time. It wasn’t until recently that I was able to finally flesh out all the thoughts that I wanted to share (albeit in a 1500 words or less format). I’ll tell you what actually sparked my interest and fueled my motivation to finish this post in a few but first I want to tell you something about people of all walks of life.

In college we learned about the difference between embracement, acceptance and tolerance. Most people only tolerate things they don’t agree with, they’ll never accept or embrace those things. A good example of tolerance is the way people treat homosexuality. If there’s no foreseen way of changing a circumstance people will sometimes accept things they don’t agree with. A good example of acceptance is gender dynamics. What we really learned was that tolerance and acceptance were always cop outs to the larger goal. The larger goal, the one targeted at really changing the world we live in was embracement. A good example of this would be my attendance at the 2012 Gay Parade in NYC.

It’s a rather interesting story how I ended up at the Gay Parade last year; it’s funny too. To make a long story short, my best friend suggested we try this new bar out to play beer pong. She told me that she should warn me that it’s in the middle of Greenwich Village. (A pretty popular homosexual neighborhood in NYC) I told her that I really didn’t care because I just wanted to get a good game of beer pong. We went and after playing beer pong for about 3 hours against a bunch of girls who looked like Justin Bieber we left and the parade had already begun. As we were trying to find a way to get around the parade, I finally just stopped and said, “This is pointless, let’s go check it out. I actually want to see what it’s all about.” That was me putting myself in a position to embrace that culture.

OK, fast forward.

I didn’t bring this up when it happened because I didn’t want to cause a stir and I know that there’s nothing that triggers the female defense mechanism more quickly than any mention of a certain young lady. According to public opinion, nobody has a problem with this woman, but on the low, we all know that “she doesn’t have any real talent” and “she’s completely fake” is really how you feel. I guess the best way to put it is, nobody will admit to hating this woman, but you’ll never hear them pay her a single compliment. I guess mama was right, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

That lady is, Temptress of the Land of Krypton, Kim Kardashian.

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Let’s be honest, not many of us care that Kanye and Kim are dating. It’s not like too many women are sitting in with their friends at happy hour pontificating over why Kanye West would be best served with a sister. It’s also not surprising to anyone that Kim is dating yet another popular Black man in sports or entertainment, that’s just what she does. At best, we tolerate Kim and Kanye. We don’t accept their relationship as being real, we certainly don’t embrace it. If you juxtapose the public opinion of Jay-Z & Beyonce vs. Kanye & Kim, it’s painfully obvious how everyone really feels about them.

“Yeah, they make a good fit; they’re both in love with themselves.”

But it’s all well and good as long as we don’t have to see it. If we see a TMZ article about KimYe we change the channel or skip over it on the site. If someone is talking about it, we try our hardest to avoid the subject. And regardless of whether we’d like to admit it or not, the only people who raise the point that Kim is not white but “Armenian” are Black guys, not Black women. Deep down, we know that it bothers some women that she’s dating Kanye and race plays a part in that. That’s not just Black women who are bothered, that’s white men and white women too. But again, it’s all well and good as long as we don’t have to see it and that’s what makes the Hommes cover and pictorial a little uncomfortable for people.

Setting Kanye and Kim aside, let’s think about how this plays out in “you know… like real life.” Black folks, man or woman are semi the same way when it comes to interracial dating. If you’re a Black woman and you tell a Black man you are dating a white man or considering it, we all react the same way, “Fine, you should. Why do I care?” That’s what we say right? However, when you see a “sister” (you know, she don’t become a sister until you might lose her, lol) walking down the street with a white man or all over Facebook with pictures with her new white man, you get uncomfortable.

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When you’re uncomfortable, you may not get angry or sad, you may just be uncomfortable. I’ll be honest, these are my top five reactions when I see a Black woman with a white man:

1)      She just doing that to piss me off.

2)      I could still beat if I tried.

3)      Something must be wrong with her.

4)      She probably only with that dude because he don’t know she crazy, he just think she troubled.

5)      She grew up around all white people. If she let me beat, watch what happens.

Here’s the thing, that’s only when I see it. One of my good friends is dating a white man right now and I rarely ever see her, which means I’ve never met her boyfriend, and she’s super private on Facebook. I’m really happy for her, but I bet it has a lot to do with the fact that I never have to have it shoved in my face. I’m personalizing this experience, but I don’t regulate this feeling to only myself. Black women have the same experiences. Everytime one of your white friends posts a picture with her and her Black boyfriend, or she tweets something in reference to her affinity for Black men, you cringe a little. You know your white friends that date Black men, but it’s not until it’s up close and personal that it gets under your skin.

So here we are in the 21st Century, more importantly 2013, the year of our Lord and Biracial President and we still can’t fully stomach interracial dating. Like I said before, we’ve gotten to the point where we tolerate it, we’ve gotten to the point where we accept it, but there’s still a lot of work to be done to get to a point where we embrace it. I’m almost positive it’s not until more people have the experience and realize that it’s not much different than dating someone in their own race. It’s going to be at that point that we stop having a laundry list of reasons why we don’t interracial date or think it would be different that we’ll get to that point of embracement. While I doubt it will happen for my generation, I’m hoping this isn’t a torch we pass to the next.

- Dr. J

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  • tbraunstein

    As a mixed woman (black father, white mother), dating a mixed man (latino father, white mother), I find this extremely fascinating. I was very surprised at how emotional my response was, and at how it changed as I read on. Thank you for sharing… I'm not quite ready to be more specific about my reaction, but this is definitely a thought-provoker.

    (Side note: Isn't part of the draw to that no-talent Kimtress who she dates? Would we still be interested if she dated another male version of herself… in the same skin tone?)

  • Devo

    I get it but I don’t. Why should I care who dates who white black or what ever you are.
    I care about who I’m dating it does not do anything to or for me to see different color people together.
    I understand the times we live in people have alot of issues with themselves or none of this kind of stuff would matter. If you see someone and their not doing anything to you why do you care who their with.
    Or why it make you feel anything at all .I may not ever get it.

  • jdoubleu

    Only time an interracial couple makes me "double take" is when 1 of the persons are aesthetically challenged. If I see a good looking black woman with an equally good looking white/Latino dude, I wanna give him daps. I don't assume anything else other this dude had some game, more power to him. The other observation I've noticed is that black women seem to require way more physically/aesthetically of white/Latino dudes than they do of us. In the cities I've lived in, you don't really see good looking black women dating "meh" white or Latino dudes. Or maybe it's the dudes that are more discriminant with the black women they choose? Can't call it.

    I won't say that interracial dating as a whole bothers me since I'm mixed myself. It's just uncomfortable when people call attention to or flaunt the person's ethnicity rather than simply saying "my chick/man is a dope pkg all around". Beyond people accepting interracial dating, it'd be nice to get to the point where people don't feel like they have to defend themselves for choosing to date outside their ethnicity. And on-lookers can set aside their own assumptions about the said couples. Part of the problem with interracial dating is men define beauty and attractiveness far differently than women do. I've seen this conversation so many times on Twitter where women will spend a few tweets re: a non-Black woman and be like "what do ya'll see in her?". Why do you care?

    It all comes down to men can appreciate FINE and categorize a woman as dateable regardless of her hue. So I don't always think it's a deliberate, conscious choice.

  • Guest

    " you don't really see good looking black women dating "meh" white or Latino dudes. " I've heard this saying so many times and i find it hilarious how many people want to preach this as the truth. I've seen many beautiful interracial couples on my side of the world even though it's not so common in my area to see young and old people dating outside their race.

    On the other hand, i think people always assume that it's easier for a black woman to date a white man – which in my experience hasn't been the case.

    People think that interracial relationships are easier when in actuality, especially here in SA, there are so many other factors that come into play that make things a million times harder than dating someone of the same race.

    I've been asked "what's wrong with black men that you went to date a white man" – truth is, race has never been an issue for me, i've been in mixed area's, school's, work atmosphere's my entire life., but if who i'm dating affects you as a stranger, i won't pay you any mind. There will always be people who will be uncomfortable about who you date, at the end of the day, it's not about them being comfortable, it's about you and your partner and what makes you happy.

    I don't think people tolerate it because they have to, people tolerate it because it truly is none of their business. I didn't lose any friends because of my choice to date outside my race, i had alot of criticism from relatives, but one thing i've learnt is that sometimes it's a case of you as a couple showing people why you're great together – regardless of race.

    It's not "shoving it in their faces" it's you trying to show them why you chose THAT specific person, and why their race isn't important to you.

    • amaris79

      " you don't really see good looking black women dating "meh" white or Latino dudes. "

      I SHOLE do. Just go to the green market at Grand Army Plaza or Smorgasburg (Brooklyn) on a Saturday afternoon in the summer. You will see some of the most re-gu-LAR looking white guys with some GAWJUS Black women. I mind not one bit. Why? Well, all those GAWJUS Black women look like India. Arie. Those average-ish usually granola-y types LOVE them some brown-skinned natural haired beauties, and I say go where you're loved. I ain't mad at all.

  • larnelw

    Its a very funny and interesting thing. Interracial dating doesn't bother me but it does. Like I believe you should be with and love whomever you want for who they are. And if they happen to be of a different race, creed or culture then so be it. And I truly believe that. Wholeheardtedly embrace it. However I can't lie in that I have seen some black women that I have found to be very attractive walking with some white boys and felt some kind of way about it. Even if only to a small degree. For example, video vixen Bria Myles. I'm a fan of the physical. That is one of the sexiest pieces of curvacious milky smooth dark chocolate I've ever lusted for. And I feel no shame in admitting that. She dates a white boy. When I first saw that I felt some kind of way like she was saying, "Black men weren't good enough".

    • larnelw

      But truth is if i ever met her and she wasn't dating him would that mean that she would date me? 99.9% chance the answer is No. So why should I be upset over her relationship as if he is the sole obstacle keeping her from me. And perhaps thats what the problem really is. A feeling of "If it wasn't for that white/asian/latino/black man/woman then I could have been with that person". Feeling like they stole what should've or could've been yours. Its really silly when you stop, step back and think about it. We all want equality. We all want to be seen for our character. Be judged by our intelligence and conduct. But when it comes to relationships we want to start color coordinating??

  • larnelw

    Interestingly enough it seems that views on interracial dating vary so much based on region/state. When I travel up into the New England area to go riding (snowboarding) interracial relationships are far more common and accepting. At least from my perspective. And I am not talking Massachusetts. I'm talking Vermont, NH and Maine. Interestingly enough those have also be some of the nicest and friendliest white people I have ever met anywhere in my life. They will talk your ears clean off.

  • Southerngyrl_

    Great post. When I first read it I didn't realize that was a picture of Tamera and her husband.

    I agree with the whole post, with emphasis on your last paragraph. I think once people stop thinking of it as a betrayal or some type of intergalactic experience, it will be less of an issue. You are just dating someone of a different race, not a different species. I find the best thing to do is to just date whomever. Don't give anyone, family or otherwise, any excuses or explanations. Don't be goaded into arguments because of people's beliefs (i have hard time with this). They are just waiting for you to say "I date A because B doesn't do/have _____". That is where a lot of ugliness comes in.

  • Guest

    I knew when I looked at the title I knew it had to be Dr. J. Forever writing "an ode to a latina" or "why i don't date 'those girls'" or of course this piece on interracial dating.

    • Southerngyrl_

      I know I am feeding the troll, but girl, go somewhere.

      • Guest

        ::Goes to CVS to get cream for dark circles::

  • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

    In college we learned about the difference between embracement, acceptance and tolerance.

    Although I’m not sure everyone learned this in college – and some will never learn – I do like the juxtaposition of “embrace, accept, and tolerate.” I think far more people tolerate than embrace or accept but that’s not inherently a bad thing. Tolerance is better than ignorance or un-acceptance. I’m a live and let live guy, that’s how I was raised so that’s how I live my life. If what the next person (or myself) is doing isnt illegal and doesn’t directly affect me or the people I care about, which for the record is very few people, then I generally don’t care what you’re doing, how you’re doing it, or who you’re doing it with. Not sure if that makes me tolerant or accepting/embracing. That said, I think of all the many reasons not to like/love a person race and/or what other people think of you is one of the highly stupider reasons, but again, to each their own.

    - sent from iPhone

  • http://twitter.com/jtSolBroSupreme @jtSolBroSupreme

    I'm sorry, I just cannot get worked up over who dates who. What you eat don't make me shit. Do whatever pleases YOU – its YOUR life…I am busy living mine. Just don't bombard me with the "I don't date___because they're all___!" Or the silly "If____I would date them, but they don't" crap. NO need to justify or explain or apologize for your preferences….LIFE is for the living…get to living.

  • Larry

    A few people in my family have dated/married interracially. I have a few cousins that are mixed….my father was once married to a white woman for a period of time when I was younger. That being said I guess I never really had a problem with people dating outside of their race. Where I grew up most of the people that lived on my side of town were Puerto Rican. So whites, blacks, hispanics all dated one another an themselves seamlessly. My naive behind just figured it was a big ol' melting pot everywhere, lol….then I moved…lol. Myself, personally, I never had or have no real desire to date a white woman to be perfectfly honest. Just not that high on the preference totem pole, but I definitely do not knock and embrace those who do.

    I

  • JasMaTazz

    Sooo… I'm just gonna go out on that limb and say it… I don't think anyone personally cares about interracial dating until someone THEY wanted compared them to a non-black woman or worse, bested the other raced/left them for said non-black woman.

    • JasMaTazz

      I remember being raised in a mainly white area for middle school and some high school and having plenty of non-black crushes. Never really acted on them, but I remember being really into some white guys and if anything were to pop off, it woulda been on! Flash forward to my sophomore year of hs and I transferred to a more "diverse" hs where a lot of the couples were interracial, again, still didn't care, even had my own little white boy crush. Enter, my first love, the all american black triathlete whom all the girls swooned over and he picked ME! Things were all good til this white girl who looked absolutely and totally nothing like me started stepping up and speaking about how he was flirting with her and how they liked each other! (Keep in mind, this is HS drama so it was a major big deal to me) mind you, most of that was just gossip or exaggeration and nothing came of it, but dang it if I didn't start looking at all the other white girls sideways for the rest of my life and I rarely give white men props anymore… Of course this may just be my personal epithet

      • JasMaTazz

        But I will also say that I don't think it's so much about Kim being non-black ( I don't ever call her white, I call her mixed or Armenian) as the fact that Kim is looked upon as a sex symbol while having no tangible personality qualities most average women can relate to. She's beautiful, but she's not what every man says they want from a mate in other areas. Look at the flip scenario, Khloe and Lamar, wayyy fewer people have something negative to say about their relationship because to be honest every girl can relate to Khloe and she's less intimidating physically (although I must say I think she's just as beautiful as Kim or Kourtney) Dang I'm long-winded today… *off the soapbox

        • Dr. J

          People don't mind Khloe and Lamar because they don't see Khloe as attractive, like in a not at all type of way. If they saw her as any type of threat it would be a totally different story.

        • JasMaTazz

          But that's kind of my point, being attractive is part of why Kim is so hated, the other part is that ppl actually like Khloe's personality and for the most part her values, and is relatable. There are plenty of cute/decent black male with ugly non-black women couple that get shade. They don't get as much, not because she's not attractive, but because she's likeable.

  • J.Crawford

    I'm for Love WHO you Want to Love, I've interraciallydated myself, so I agree 1000% with this post. What I noticed about others and of myself that gives off the Cringe and Prejudice is Wondering- like Thinking that That Guy/Woman of (insert Ethnicity) was chosen to be an Exception or Stereotype of All (insert Ethnicity). A Good # of women who have commented here during some of these Dr. J post that have even a Tiny Bit of Interracial or even Shadeness of Black Women (i.e. Amber Rose) came at it as if White Women or Light-skinned Women were either Exceptions to All or a Stereotype for All (i.e. White Women are "more submissive", Light-skinned women are "more Exotic"), which is not 100% True. I find Ethiopian Women just as Exotic as Brazilian Women- they just happen to be Different Shades of Black and I'm NOT Comparing them against each other, which I think Dr. J means in his posts.

    • J.Crawford

      Now, how the Peers and Relatives of an Interracial Partner reacts and thinks is another story- I dated a Puerto Rican once at 16 and HER Relatives- not her Parents- had me pinned as some Thug, which didn't bode well when I visited her at times and out of "respect" for her family she Dumped Me- I "got" it but it was Still Foul. Another time I was talking to a White girl, whose Friends were OK with us talking but her Parents Weren't. I couldn't deal with the sly comments and stares so I ended up Breaking up with her, which was the opposite of my experience with the Puerto Rican girl. Some People will Never Change and Some Will, it just might Take Time- Short or Long….

  • elle

    I'm like this, I have no problem with Kim ..she not white. Being interracial myself I do have a problem with American White women with low values and morality raising interracial children. My mother was Greek from Greece. I would have to really write a book to explain this…its hard to explain.

    • Lyric

      Totally ya.damn white women with low values raising presidents & sh*t…I mean wht is up with tht

  • Marisa

    Interesting. I've never cared about who dates whom and the reaction I have when I see interracial couples (if I have a reaction at all, that is ), is "awesome" because to me, it's wonderful seeing people just love and date who they want to love and date. I didn't grow up surrounded by non black people but I just come from a very open home so when I was five, it was you like who you like and that's just fine.

  • kiesh

    It really does boil down to making things about us that have nothing whatsoever to do with us. That's what it used to be like for me. As I get older I'm like, whatever. I think that until race becomes less of a deal in this country, interracial dating will always be a "thing."

    Honestly I think much of people's disdain for KK stems from their perception of her as a "ho who's winning," more than her dating interracially. I think they'd clown Kanye equally so if he was dating one of them Basketball Wives chicks.

  • Trisha

    You seem to be applying your own feelings of 'tolerance', or lack thereof, of interracial dating to all black women and completely pontificating what black women think or feel regarding the issue. The conclusion to your article is based on your own assumptions about what people think and basically your own train of thought. Perhaps you won't get off the tolerance train anytime soon but many people are far past that. The projection of your (in)tolerance on a whole group of people is inappropriate and invalidates the argument you are trying to make in this post.

  • Brina

    Can't even lie…the only time I feel a tinge when I see an interracial couple (as in black men with a white women) is when he's attractive, because like some said previously, I feel as if I somehow lost out on something I probably never could've had anyway. On the flip side, when I see black women with white men, I think in my head "Oh, you go girl!" Double standard. Hypocritical. I know.

    However, I've dated a few white and Latino men here and there. My thoughts:
    -I don't really view dating a Latino as interracial for some reason, especially if they're tan or darker…probably because some have African blood running through their veins already. And I grew up seeing these couples all the time.
    -Black guys usually had something smart to say when I was in the presence of white men.
    -When simply walking with a white coworker or friend, I always felt strange passing black men. I felt like they would be judging me with their eyes.

    But at the end of the day, I love my black men! :)

    • Adonis

      @Brina

      “Can’t even lie…the only time I feel a tinge when I see an interracial couple (as in black men with a white women) is when he’s attractive, because like some said previously, I feel as if I somehow lost out on something I probably never could’ve had anyway. On the flip side, when I see black women with white men, I think in my head “Oh, you go girl!” Double standard. Hypocritical. I know.

      We will go far when black women speak honestly. Like @Briana

  • missinformation7

    Something weird happens physically when I see a black man with a white woman…I always think:

    Well I look better than her.
    She's fat anyway.
    She probably let's him run over her.
    She looks like Will Ferrell.

    Hard to admit but I detest seeing black men and white women.

  • Uncle Ray

    The problem is when some brothas and sistas choose to only date outside their race making excuses why dating black folks don"t work for them. They're open to other races but not their own. Some stating a black man/woman can do nothing for them. Some black folks still believe in old Jim Crow thoughts that a white woman or man gives them status in society Kanye dates Kim to be relevant, just as he dated Amber (high-profile video vixen) to be talked about. You did not see him posing nude with the beautiful sista he dated.

    As a black man it does bother me to see SOME brothas with white woman sometimes because it's not about love but a lack of ability to understand and communicate with a strong black woman. They rather take the other route.

    • AfterMath

      "The problem is when some brothas and sistas choose to only date outside their race making excuses why dating black folks don"t work for them. They're open to other races but not their own. "

      If we take out the race part of it and say replace it with something like class, would you repeat this statement?

      I ask only because everyone (this site included) likes to talk about the curse of the nice guy, the friendship zone, etc. And for a lot of guys who fit a certain resume type, they're always told by ladies that they're the type of guys that they'd love to marry, but not to date. I can't speak too much on the race relations question, but I know many educated people who couldn't get a serious relationship with anybody in their income bracket because the opposite sex was always looking for that ruggedness that just wasn't there. But yet when these people show up at the office party with their significant other who <insert classist steriotype here>, suddenly the comments turn to "they can do better", or "<said mate> is only after one thing".

      I can imagine that minds would turn similarly with regards to interracial dating.
      My recent post Triangle Trigonometry

      • JazMaTazz

        It's all stupid if you ask me. It's one thing to say i've had bad experiences in the past with x group. It's completely another to say that everyone in x group is defective…

    • itsme

      What about if the other route is actually a strong white woman? What do you say about that?

  • Adonis

    I am all for the intermingling of the races. People gotta date people of quality. period. Especially black men & black women.

    I use the status of white poontang, to get the attention of black poontang.

    Because we know how women are obsessed with status, and white supremacy dictates that white women are sculpted from golden McDonalds arches.

    Fin

  • more power to you

    Am i the only one that likes Kim K.? I don't have a problem with her at all, and don't really understand why so many do.

    As far as problems with interracial dating I don't have an issue with that either. The only time I find myself getting mad is when I hear blacks say they don't date other blacks because ________. Then I get defensive, I feel personally attacked. As long as I don't feel like the interracial dating is happening because they feel like whatever race isn't good enough I don't care.

    I cringe a little when I see someone I find attractive with anyone I think looks worse than or better than me lol. If they look to be my level i'm like " uh oh, go ahead now". I guess that's just my inner hater has nothing to do with race.

  • Jerry

    I haven’t read the article yet because on this topic the comments will tell it all.

    I’m proud of all these responses!! Not the usual racist BS you hear. Glad to read this!

  • Gestapo

    I have absolutely no problem with a black woman dating any group of men. It seems to me black women do it in order to try and get a reaction from black men.

    • warrenaz

      Yeah, you got a problem with black women with nonblack men.

  • Young Heaux

    There are only a few instances where I might feel weird about interracial dating and these would be my reactions:

    1. black men with white/hispanic women: if he's walkin around cheesing like shxt acting like he landed the jackpot. My reaction: Relax.
    2. any other man (indian, asian, arab, etc.) with white woman: see #1. Why are you so pumped? She's only white!!

    I'd say I'd feel about the same in reverse (situations where female minorities act empowered by just dating a white man).

    As a side note, just once I would LOVE to see a real life upper middle class Indian woman/black man couple.

  • http://www.opinionatedmale.com cortonio

    shouldn't it be whoever makes you happy? I don't care if she's indian, caucasian, asian, whatever…if im happy then im happy. My issue is people who do it for 'status', like if im a black man and marry a caucasian woman then i look better with her under my arm. Look at the following celeberities/athletes karl malone, michael strahan, charles barkley, dennis rodman, seal, sidney poitier, vince wilfork,OJ simpson, tiger woods (who's done it twice) they've all had girlfriends or married outside their race. If it's true love cool…but if you think it makes you look better than we have an issue.
    My recent post Your wife is…Your wife tastes like…Your wife looks like… AND?!

  • Vetri

    Before starting love if anybody was attracted to opposite race just for the sake of their skin color or features, he/she is a racist who is being narrow minded.
    I believe millions of Americans are of that kind. If you haven't given importance to appearance, you might have gotten some other guy/girl [from race other than your current partner's] who is the best lifelong soulmate for your entire life. .
    I am not saying that interracial love is not genuine. It must be true to some extent, but it need not be life long because first step in the love was just physical attraction due to skin color.
    For instance, 1000s of white women and black men couples being ended in divorce at a rate which is multiple times higher than same-race couples. They also loved each other but couple of them [of course, majority are genuine] were unnatural.

    What if, those divorcee were never attracted to skin color or features?
    Any racial preference in dating is also racist [including intentionally sticking to own race].

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