Men Fall In Love Faster Than Women

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drake emotional

I recently read an article on (the sarcastically titled) BlackGirlsAreEasy.com called How to Talk to Women – a post offering advice to men on how to approach and talk to women – that contained a one-liner that caught my attention.

Any dude who says he doesn’t know what he wants from a girl he’s known for more than 30 days is a liar.

Last week, Dr. J wrote a post sharing his thoughts on why men like younger women. His post contained the following paragraph:

It’s because no matter how hard they try and deny it, they want companionship. Not only do they want it, but they want it now. When you get to over the age of 25, you’re not going to find women who want to frivolously date, or “see where things are going.” They want to know now where things are going and where you think things are going to be in a short amount of time. When I was 23, I never imagined that I would be in a conversation about marriage within the first three months of a relationship. Those same civil liberties are not afforded to you when you’re in your late twenties.

I don’t blame them. At this point, we should be able to know if a woman is someone that we can spend the rest of our lives with. We’ve been playing the birds and bees for a long time now, we know when we mess up and we know what we should be doing in a relationship.

To the casual observer, it might seem like these two thoughts contradict one another, but they actually support one another. I’ve said for years – to the huffs, sighs, teeth sucking, and generally dismissive eye rolls of many women – that men fall in love faster than women. The race isn’t even close. (Supporting my own personal observations on the subject, a recent study also found that single men are 33% more likely than women to believe in “Love at First Sight.”)

This mainly occurs because although women think they have a monopoly on love, men and women fall in love differently. It has been said, “Men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears.” If true, then men have a head start over women on falling in love. Additionally, in most cases, men need fewer requirements met before they deem a woman “good enough” to fall in love with. So not only are men subject to falling in love quicker than women, men need less justification to allow themselves to fall in love in the first place. Rather than explain this in detail, I’ll cite a Google+ Commercial that demonstrates the difference between the typical progression of love for men and women.

In my observations, it doesn’t take men very long to figure out where a woman falls in his life. I have married friends, and I have friends that will probably never get married, but when I look back on all our years of combined experiences, it was always pretty clear which women these men were seriously and emotionally involved in and which women they were not. Further, this was evident early on or as BGAE stated above, about 30 days or less.

In contrast, many women will say this doesn’t mirror their experiences because they’ve invested time in men for months, years, or even decades who “still don’t know what they want” from a relationship. I guess anything is possible but that is not very probable. What makes more sense? A man who is perfectly capable of making hundreds of decisions each day is somehow incapable of making one decision about one woman at least one time?

I doubt it.

Black LoveIn fact, the absence of a decision is itself a decision. In other words, a man who doesn’t know what role a woman plays in his life is simultaneously deciding that the woman is not important enough to even determine a role for her. Honestly, this isn’t wrong as long as it’s clearly conveyed. Unlike women, most men decide they’re ready to be in a serious commitment then look for a woman they’re willing to commit to; whereas, women tend to already know they want a serious commitment before they even meet the man they’ll eventually commit to.

This is why it’s equally important for both women and men to know their own value so they can set the role they will (or will not) play in another’s life instead of having it dictated to them by the other person. Stated another way, if you want a serious commitment, there is no reason that you should be dating someone who does not. None, like at all. Whether they state it through words, actions, or inactions, there is no reason for a full-grown adult – loosely defined as someone over the age of 25 – to claim to be “trapped” in a relationship role or status in which they are not satisfied. This includes a lack of commitment for women and the friend zone for men.

Over the years, I have consistently observed women attempt to make a man they are dating and want a serious commitment from “see” their value. As I’ve gotten older, this has made less and less sense to me. For one, as I covered above, men generally know a woman’s place in his life very early on, and if he doesn’t know that probably means he doesn’t see a permanent place in his life for her. Further, his inability to articulate or demonstrate this through actions or words should be answer enough. If you want more from a man (or woman) than he is offering, his not offering it to you is usually not a reflection of his inability to do so more often than it is a reflection of his lack of desire to do so, which leaves you with two relatively straightforward choices: 1) Stay; or 2) Leave.

This is where I somewhat detract from Dr. J’s opinion. If a woman (or man) – of whatever age – decides she needs to know as much information about the progress of (or lack thereof) a relationship she should feel free to ask whatever she wants to know, whenever she wants to know it. Honestly, the type of men who shy away from conversations about commitment are usually: 1) men who are not looking for commitment, period; or 2) not looking for commitment from her, specifically. Therefore, it seems that a woman would have everything to gain and nothing to lose – aside from a bruised ego – from finding this information out as early as possible before she vests any more of her time (emotions and sex notwithstanding).

I’ve said this before, but the only women I’ve never committed to are women I didn’t want to commit to. If I’m being honest, there were times where I BS’d around the inevitable, because I knew the additional burdens and requirements an updated relationship status on Facebook entails, but I still knew long before the conversation came up what I wanted from most women who have entered my life. If I didn’t know it from first sight, I surely figured it out within 30 days. Looking back on the few times when I wasn’t sure, I mistakenly thought I wasn’t sure because I needed to waste more of her and my time figuring it out. In reality, I knew almost from day one that nothing serious was ever going to materialize between us. I just didn’t have either the maturity, life-experience, or the courage to call it for what it was or was not.

WIM SigAgain, it’s possible that a man who isn’t looking for something serious will meet a woman that will change his mind, like all those Disney movies and romantic comedies women love; however, it is far more probable that a man will decide he’s ready for a serious relationship and then he will “see” all women differently. Eventually, he will meet and commit to one of those women. After a certain age, I think all men are looking for a serious relationship, but although the two are not mutually exclusive, there is a big difference between a man who is looking for a date and a man who is looking for a wife. Women should feel free to determine which of these types of men they are engaging, because a man who is honest with himself should know which type of man he is long before she asks him this question. By this same token, a woman should know what type of woman she is willing to be in a man’s life, the type he dates or the type he marries, long before she asks. If my theory that men fall in love faster than women is true, then he should already know the answer anyway. If we’re keeping it real gentlemen, all women are really doing is asking us to share what we already know.

Do men or women fall in love faster? What allows men/women to fall faster? Do you agree with BGAE’s quote, “Any dude who says he doesn’t know what he wants from a girl he’s known for more than 30 days is a liar.”?

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  • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net Anthony Brian Logan

    i think its equal for both men and women but we fall in love for different reasons.
    My recent post BLACK KIDS – YOU CAN DO IT TOO!

  • Coffee

    What a great article! i agree, we, men and women, know what we want almost immediately!

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    Men fall for realities, women the idea. Technically, women fall in “love” faster because they take what they know and project it, but true sincere love, men usually win. For one, the men are the courters, we go after what we find desireable (eventually) we dont hunt what we dont plan on eating. Women are the pursued, they are to choose from who courts them.

    When she’s in love, it is with the projection of him before he can even reveal whether he truly is that person or not. Men take the woman at face value, she is or isn’t. Men and women both know what they want and it doesn’t take long for them to see who has it and who doesn’t, however when it’s not there, women will keep searching him, men will search elsewhere.

    Also I will say 30 days is too soon, I’ve fall in love over time, women I wasn’t initially interested to that extent but again as I got to know her inside and out, I fell.

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

      Men and women both know what they want and it doesn’t take long for them to see who has it and who doesn’t, however when it’s not there, women will keep searching him, men will search elsewhere.

      Interesting point.

      Regarding “the 30 day rule,” he wasnt specifically saying you should know you’re “in love” or not, but after 30 days – especially if you’re over the age of 25 – you should know what you want from a woman. Meaning is she going to be someone you can see a future with or not. For myself, I generally know if a woman has potential to be something serious or not after the first few conversations. Frankly, the rule is most women I’ve met, I knew fairly early on I didn’t want anything serious from them. The exception is the opposite. I’ve come across a handful of women I saw a future with “beyond 24-hours” as my boys and I call it. Most of those women I either seriously pursued or successfully dated exclusively. That’s why when women tell me they don’t understand what a man wants, I’m confused. His not giving you what you want should be plenty answe enough, but I recognize it takes a lot of confidence to walk away from a “good” man/woman who just so happens not to be the right man/woman for you.

      - sent from iPhone

      • cynicaloptmst81

        *nodding head*

      • GirlSixx

        Yup. That’s it!!!!

      • Coffee
      • http://www.trutheye.wordpress.com bee serendipity

        Truth

      • Practical_Diva

        Truth…

    • Animate

      Hot damn. Goog comment.
      My recent post The most powerful scene I've ever seen in a video game

    • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net Anthony Brian Logan

      Men fall in love with the idea too. Not as much as women obviously, but we do it. Alot more than we should. Every day another guy will try to turn a hoe into a housewife. The cardinal man law that we have all broken.
      My recent post BLACK KIDS – YOU CAN DO IT TOO!

      • Bree

        No men try to turn hoe's and strippers into housewives because they fall in love with the booty and the beauty and the good good extra good lovin. Let's keep it all the way real!

    • http://twitter.com/jtSolBroSupreme @jtSolBroSupreme

      I agree….30 days is nothing. Not to mention, folks don't always want what they get when they get it because they rushed into it head/heart/dickhead first. I don't believe in timeframes such as 30 days this and 90 days that and by 2 years we should be here there or wherever. Those expectations and deadlines cause people to miss out on a good thing…SOMEtimes. But, to each his own.

  • Smilez_920

    Between this article and Dr. J I’m guessing the moral of the story is a man knows early on what role you will play in his life. While you might not go from first date to fiancé in 3 months, a man who wants to build something with you will show you with action and words , and as a women you usually will know and won’t have to second guess or force or push anything ( in most cases ).

  • kia

    somehow I think that you pulled this from my head and wrote about it. appreciated this piece.

  • Smilez_920

    I also think this article falls in line with the whole ” men grow on women , women don’t grow on men”. Which could be why men fall in love faster than women. I also agree with BAE quote . Most dudes know , but if he’s in no real rush for anything serious and your wiling to accept what he’s offering even of that’s what you don’t want , that’s on you.

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

      +1

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    WIM: "Stated another way, if you want a serious commitment, there is no reason that you should be dating someone who does not. None, like at all. Whether they state it through words, actions, or inactions, there is no reason for a full-grown adult – loosely defined as someone over the age of 25 – to claim to be “trapped” in a relationship role or status in which they are not satisfied. This includes a lack of commitment for women and the friend zone for men."

    Repeated, just in case anyone missed it.

    Great post.

    • Peter Parker

      Definitely a big co-sign.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    ” i recognize it takes a lot of confidence to walk away from a “good” man/woman who just so happens not to be the right man/woman for you.”

    This.

    • ooh ok…

      confidence AND strength AND a bit of courage… :-)

  • Yonnie

    "Unlike women, most men decide they’re ready to be in a serious commitment then look for a woman they’re willing to commit to; whereas, women tend to already know they want a serious commitment before they even meet the man they’ll eventually commit to."

    Isn't this the same thing? How are these two things different.

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

      If you meet a man who isn’t looking, no matter how great of a woman you may be, it’s 99.9% likely he will not change his mind for you. Or as has been said by a number of writers and male-commenters here, “the right woman at the wrong time is the wrong woman.”

    • SMilez_920

      Yea when I first read it I though it was the same thing. But I guess the difference is “willing” vs “eventually”. Women kind of want commitment even if there are no prospects in sight they know eventually they want someone to be committed with (kind of goes back to Tristan’s comment with women projecting). Men tend to decided they want commitment but don’t really hold tight on to the idea until they meet someone their willing to commit to. (That’s the best I could come up with)

      • Uncle Ray

        Thank you for breaking that down. Over the head

  • Streetz

    I definitely cosign the sentiment of this article. Thats one reason why men might be so guarded. Even if they see that super potential in you, they have to weigh logical outcomes and other factors so that if they do go in feet first, that it will be a good move.

  • cynicaloptmst81

    I wanna take this post, tape it to the end of a pole, and run through the streets of America with it while ringing a bell, LMBO! WAAAAAAKE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!! LMBO!

    If this isn't EVERYTHING I was saying in the comment section of Dr. J's post!!!!!

    This is why you're my play cousin, Wiz, LOL! We stay >>>HERE<<<!!!!!!

    • cynicaloptmst81

      Do men or women fall in love faster? – Yes, but, as with anything, there are exceptions.

      What allows men/women to fall faster? Do you agree with BGAE’s quote, “Any dude who says he doesn’t know what he wants from a girl he’s known for more than 30 days is a liar.”? – I think men are much clearer about what they want (for reasons WIM mentioned)…and they spot IT much faster than women. Once they have what they want, they go ahead and work on planting the flag. I believe the 30 day deadline is fairly accurate. But, I usually don't look for signs about a man's decision till 90 days in.

      • Smielz_920

        I think men are much clearer about what they want (for reasons WIM mentioned)…and they spot IT much faster than women. <— true

        I think men spot it easier because they kind of take time to figure out what they really need in a partner, so when they see it they know right away to pursue. I think women just know they want commitment but don’t really focus (at first) what they need in a partner (not just want, which is usually part of the projection thing). Basically men go after what the need/want (80/20) and then focus on committing to it, while women focus on commitment, then what they want and then what they need. (Not all and of course women grow out of this with experience.)

        • cynicaloptmst81

          Agreed!!!!!

      • MarcJ2k9

        I believe that women love harder than men but men hurt more than women. For the simple fact that women are more emotional beings while men have a certain level of pride and territory to protect when they are involved with someone.

    • Bree

      "I wanna take this post, tape it to the end of a pole, and run through the streets of America with it while ringing a bell, LMBO! WAAAAAAKE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!! LMBO!"
      So do I Cyn, so do I. But for right now all we can do is pray for em.

  • Bree

    "If you want more from a man (or woman) than he is offering, his not offering it to you is usually not a reflection of his inability to do so more often than it is a reflection of his lack of desire to do so, which leaves you with two relatively straightforward choices: 1) Stay; or 2) Leave."
    This right here my brotha….this is some good sh** right here. No truer relationship statements have ever been echoed. Wis you need to change your name to Truth Teller! lol

  • Leader Lady

    I did enjoy the article. Not sure I would totally agree as I am a social observer and researcher. The points seem feasible though. I really appreciate the comment on lacking "maturity", "life experience", or "courage" when communicating her place in your life. (paraphrased) However, just this acknowledgement should urge the non-participation in actions that are reserved for the experienced, mature, and the courageous. It is to the severest determent of our communities that are actions have lead to much dysfunction and division. Thank you again for this article I hope it sparks more conversational engagement leading to better choices all round for the sake of community.

  • payne well

    I never looked at it from this view. I figured men fought love, like people fight the flu. LOL! But seriously I do believe that men fall harder for women, then we do for men. When you guys fall for a women it is a sight to see, which is why it does not occur with just any and every woman.
    My recent post If I can’t have you, I’m gon be single for the rest of my life

  • BabyLeeGurl86

    This ENTIRE post was on point… Good job!

  • Peter Parker

    Good Post WIM. Definitely on point! If you have been conversing or chilling/hanging out with this potential young lady you definitely know whether you can wife her up or not (esp. from a physical and just a true vibe from her) in a month or so. I think what extends the initial phase is getting to understand if the game plans of both parties are the same. I think it was stated somewhere below, I have look at those other factors(paying your debt off, can you get along with my peers, family values, and etc.) to engage whether or not I should take this thing to the next level.

  • Dr. J

    Do men or women fall in love faster? It depends, it really does. Like a lot of this depends on who identified who first. I've had women fall in love first before I even knew she was interested. Conversely, I am in love with Rosa Acosta right now and she doesn't even know it.

    What allows men/women to fall faster?

    Dat ass…
    (Sorry I can't miss an opportunity to say that.)

    Do you agree with BGAE’s quote, “Any dude who says he doesn’t know what he wants from a girl he’s known for more than 30 days is a liar.”?

    That's actually a factual statement. Just be prepared for what he wants. I could easily say, "I recognize that I want to be in a relationship with you. However at this point in time, I don't think I can meet the expectations that you would have of a boyfriend due to A, B and C."

    • Dr. J

      I do believe in the SWITCH tho. Like I swear by it… There comes a point when the relationship has an emotional switch. Like men, start off in hot pursuit and really put the woman on a pedestal. At some point the woman latches on and she starts being more into the guy than he is into her. I've actually only seen a few instances when this didn't happen. I actually have a close friend who has never had the switch.

      • cynicaloptmst81

        The switch is real!!!!

        …and can dead a relationship quick!

  • http://www.trutheye.wordpress.com bee serendipity

    My take home from this: Men may not necessarily fall in love faster than women, but they sure know exactly what they want in a relationship (with a woman) faster than women.
    So, then if a woman reads mixed signals from a man as if he were unsure whether or not she’s the one, she should pack it and move. He just doesn’t want a relationship with her.

  • msjennyb123

    "the absence of a decision is itself a decision."

    I could've saved my self a lot of time and tears if I would've learned this sooner. But I'm glad I know it now. Everything you said here is the absolute truth.

  • Lola

    Great post.

  • BlueSteele

    “Any dude who says he doesn’t know what he wants from a girl he’s known for more than 30 days is a liar.”?

    I believe in this as if it came directly from the KJV! The fact that one can't make a decision is indeed a decision in itself…learned that one the hard way.

  • ooh ok…

    I think men can fall in love first…(like my bf & me being cute helps)
    BUT the difference is men can control their emotions better :-/

    Also!!! "Stated another way, if you want a serious commitment, there is no reason that you should be dating someone who does not. "
    Im telling my friends THIS!
    Women don't get the obvious….

  • http://twitter.com/jtSolBroSupreme @jtSolBroSupreme

    Interesting comments….enjoyed the article

  • langwichartz

    While I'm inclined to agree with most of whats been said both in the article and in most comments, I have to declare that psychological factors must be accounted for. Generally speaking, a lot of black men today (women are included but the focus of the article is men) are spiritually and mentally stunted growth wise when it comes to relationships. More than ever black men are coming from backgrounds, where there aren't any tangible examples of what love is and how it should be. I am not attempting to make excuses, but sometimes, i really feel like women don't realize how handicapped we men actually are when it comes to love. When all we digest is the baller, misogynist, groupie lifestyle, how can you honestly believe that most black men today have a clear, rational, logical perspective on love and relationships when they aren't exposed to positive relationships.

  • http://www.opinionatedmale.com cortonio

    yes he's a liar, because after 30 days he wants two things and TWO things only. He either wants cutty or he wants something serious. Men, do tend to lack patience and you will know what the deal is. Some guys, I will say start off just wanting some but after a while they become so caught up emotionally and actually LIKE the female so it's not a big deal to him, and by showing genuine interest he may get some faster than he thought. The only way a woman will know what a guy truly wants is to withhold it and see where he truly stands. And I don't mean play that Steve Harvey 90 day rule nonsense. I do feel in the end as long as both parties are up front with each other, no games, no cat and mouse, everything should be cool. After all we're adults here, so act like it.
    My recent post If You Like It Then You Should Put A Ring On It – Not So Fast, Is She Worth It?

    • her story

      i agree… i d rather withhold and let him get it somewhere else than to go in and let him hit blindly not knowing what he actually wants from me.

      ive been confused a couple times and so grateful i didnt give it up…even though i wanted to lol.

      i actually lose interest after a while and put guys in friend zone if there is too much confusion which i think is understandable.

      i think that confusion is a sure sign that women should hold out til she figures out whats going on or til she sees that she will never figure it out.

  • http://twitter.com/ChrisUnltd @ChrisUnltd

    I do believe men fall in love faster, we simply don't do it as OFTEN as women. Men are typically more guarded and pragmatic about love, women are far more open and "natural" about it. Falling in love typically happens in stages for women, as the man of her choice continues to prove himself to her. A man will only fall in love once he is convinced that a woman is unique and irreplaceable. Once that happens the woman doesn't really need to "prove herself" in any way, he has already made his decision.

  • Darrk Gable

    I can agree that men do fall faster. I think women admit their feelings for a man quicker however.
    My recent post Being Raised By a Single Mother…and Creating One

  • mara

    WIM I completely agree with you. It reminded me of this article that said something similar: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2013/03/men-dont

  • http://www.OpinionatedMale.com Mr SoBo

    Men and women fall differently and for different reasons, but it is difficult to say who falls faster. Especially in this day and age where people are driven by their own selfish motives, its difficult to ascertain if their 'falling' for you is authentic or a disingenuous vehicle to suit a purpose.

    Honestly, a lot of it is game. The better question is, how do you differentiate the game players from the true fallers?

    In the most ideal situations where it is genuine on both ends, I tend to believe men generally proceed more cautiously than women in this regard and will be more reserved in demonstrating his 'falling'. Women are groomed to be more expressive in their falling. Men….not so much until he is absolutely sure about the woman of interest.

    And yes, any dude that says he doesn't know what he wants from a woman after 30 days is certainly not being honest. He knows, but perhaps is in a dilemma of sorts, or is truly conflicted about the woman if she has demonstrated questionable traits late in the game.

    Mr. SoBo
    OpinionatedMale.com
    My recent post Cleaning Out The Proverbial Closet, To Kiss Or Not To Kiss And More…

  • prettymyss

    I believe men fall in love faster than women do, but not as frequently as women do. Women try to paint the picture they want to see as opposed to looking at what's in front of them. So they make themselves believe that this imperfect guy they are involved with has potential for an actual relationship. Men tend to know ahead of time because they are more decisive. So while the women is painting her illusion, the man already knows that while she's fun to be around, that her time is short. And she won't be around too long. Personally, I know what purpose a man will serve in my life ahead of time. So there's no confusing mural blocking my sense of reality.

  • Aram

    "Additionally, in most cases, men need fewer requirements met before they deem a woman “good enough” to fall in love with. So not only are men subject to falling in love quicker than women, men need less justification to allow themselves to fall in love in the first place" ummmm on what planet???

  • FeeSimple

    COSIGN!

    I was dating a man for the better part of a year and we weren't exclusive, neither was dating anyone else and although I was 22/23 and he was 25/26 I realized he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, his mom was way too involved with his romantic life and his father and mother (his mother was never married) failed in modeling what a relationship looked like led me to end a relationship with an otherwise great guy (career, credit, honest, my momma loved him etc.)

    But I am sooo happy that I did because his present lady has been his gf for 6-7 years…she's in her thirties…
    While I didn't want to get married so young, I didn't want to end up in a long term relationship where I later felt I'd invested so much time that I couldn't walk away…
    Some men say they want to get married, but their actions scream something else.

  • http://wwww.thisisjcjohnson.com JCJ

    Depends on what stage a person is at in their life.

    http://www.thisisjcjohnson.com

  • Kay

    I wished i read this 4 years ago! Im already stuck & in luv with a man who is not serious.

  • Tresha

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  • reggie

    Honestly within two to 3 weeks of dating is where I think a man develops a realistic outlook of a relationship based on looks,personality and background. From there on the sex usually concludes the process of him in falling in love or advancing into being much more then friends.

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  • meichell

    I agree. I always wondered why a guy will say he doesn't want a relationship or date a girl for a long time without a ring. Then, the next thing you know he meets the next chick and he puts a ring on it. I think men need to be more honest and be able to be alone, instead of playing house with a girl they know will not end up being the misses. Women do tend to know what they want and then look for the guy who fits that bill.