The Ridiculous Expectations Black Men Place on the Sexuality of Black Women

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sexuality of black women

So you’re saying you don’t do that?

Yesterday morning when I checked my twitter timeline I expected to see one of two things. 1) Sports talk about how the Miami Heat staved off elimination with a thrilling overtime win against the San Antonio Spurs and 2) hip-hop discussions surrounding J. Cole, Kanye West and/or Jay-Z. Instead I was greeted with discussions of how some woman (I didn’t look up who she was) wouldn’t mind or wanted to participate in a threesome with two men. I have no idea why people feel the need to share such intimate details of their sex lives on social media. The conversation on my timeline quickly turned from the desires of one woman to an undeserved critique of the sexuality of black women in general.

It seems like Black women can’t win sometimes. It seems like no man wants to be with a virgin but she can’t have more than two lifetime partners but she has to be able to do [adult film] star type tricks, but she can’t really because that’s not becoming of a Black man’s queen. For a long time (too long), black women have often been seen as hypersexualized beings. The only difference between Black men and women is that not only are Black women seen this way outside of our race but Black men buy into the notion that a woman being willing to explore her sexuality is a bad thing.

Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion but once you express your opinion in a public forum others have the right to agree or dissent from that opinion. I see it everyday via social media. When it concerns Black women I think that Black men should be a championing force. Instead we [men] buy into peer pressure and heave impossible expectations onto the shoulders of women. Some men may be trolling for the sake of trolling, but I’ve had enough real life conversations to come to the conclusion that a lot of men actually believe the nonsense I see on a day-to-day basis. What do I see? Glad you asked.

“I’d never wife a woman who would let me do every nasty sexual thing I desired.”

Really? So you’d share all your personal intimate sexual desires with a woman that you have no intentions of being with outside of a getting a nut, but you’ll keep the woman that you care deeply about in the dark? Where’s the logic in that? You don’t want to look the future potential mother of children in the eyes after you [retracted] while she was [retracted] in the Macy’s dressing room. While you don’t want do all those nasty things to your queen, I guarantee your queen is having fantasies about someone who’s man enough to do all those nasty things to her. Now who really lost?

“Women who sleep with more than ___ men are hoes.”

Now I’m no expert, but in heterosexual coupling you need at least one man and one woman. Its cool for a man to sleep with as many women as he wants but a woman must remain chaste. Last week some dude found it within himself to tell all of twitter that he slept with more than 200 women as if that was something to be proud of. What that did was speak more to the contradictory standard between men and women when it comes to sexuality. I once had a conversation with a man who told me that he couldn’t take a woman seriously if he knew she had been with more than three men before him. This same man took home more than twice that number of women from the club. Lofty expectations and projections once again.

“Black women are prudes and they won’t do what I like in the bedroom.”

This one confuses me. First you want a woman who is chaste but on the other hand you want a woman to satisfy your every sexual urge. Most men I know who take this stance are really looking for an excuse to dip outside of their race. I’ve never slept with a woman outside of my race and yet I’ve never had a sexual urge go unfulfilled. If you want to date outside your race then do that. There’s no reason to make excuses for liking what you like.

In a perfect world, Black men and Black women would be held to equal standards when it comes to sexuality but I know we live in a (very) flawed world. What I see on a day-to-day basis speaks to the immaturity and naiveté of people who come up with such derogatory and misogynistic topics on social media.

What do you think of the impossible expectations that are placed on black women in media?

 Tunde

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  • DMarioIsajerk

    this comes from the ignorance of the black church and to be honest just plain ignorance all together.

    In this information age, people discover sexual interests via clips on the internet, or whatever, and they themselves are ASHAMED they like this but want someone to share this with, but if she does it likes it, then "shes done this before, but with how many niggas?"

    Its sad because the black male inadequacies are being projected onto our women and its BEYOND unfair.

    Black women can be ignorant though… Most women have no idea of a mans body count and if they find out its past a certain number, they feel a certain way.

    • Tiff

      Ppl can lie about the count though so that isn’t the best gauge. And sometimes the least experienced person has beginner’s luck LOL. I agree that it has a lot to do with inadequacies and insecurities

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      i do agree that a lot of it comes from the church but a lot of it also comes from the baby boomers. what kills me about the black church is they'll stay preaching abstinence but clearly there are many single mothers, teen mothers in their congregation. obviously that way isn't working. the black church sometimes is stuck in the 60s.

      "Its sad because the black male inadequacies are being projected onto our women and its BEYOND unfair."

      this right here. i wonder how things can change tho.
      My recent post Marriage for All…

      • Bree

        Tunde I am soooooooooooooo glad u see the major flaws in the mentality of your fellow brethren.
        I hate when guys make excuses for other guys just because they're all guys.

        THANK YOU! :)

  • payne well

    Speak on it! This article is everything I have been preaching! I have to basically have no sexual experience outside of you, but you could have had group sex last week, and I should be open to being with you? Yet if the tables were turned, you would just pass me by because I am a "hoe". Double standards are a mo fo'.
    My recent post Yeah I’m single…….

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      i've always been of the train of the thought that everyone is cool with a double standard until it works against them but with this one i'm going to have to agree with you.
      My recent post Marriage for All…

    • Lyn

      My ex basically got on me for not wanting to give head. THEN I decide okay I will do that for you and started watching Pinky who I think is really good at it.

      So we are in the act, I hop off, then start giving him head, and he goes, wait, I thought you weren't comfortable with that? I was like WHAT??? You are going to stop from doing the very thing that we have had conversations about because you have never seen me be that freaky before basically.

      Women just can't win lol, I was soo irked.

  • caramelcovereddream

    I really appreciate this post/article. Because I'm a woman very comfortable with her sexuality, I have been referred to as less than a child of God…..of course by black men than have slang their wang in every hoo ha that ever existed……:) thank you Tunde :)

  • Tiff

    OMG! The ridic of it all. As someone who was once in a relationship with someone who called me a prude-to my face-on our way to a restaurant-I just got mad. Anyhoo, his reasonings were we always had relations at night and always in the bed. 1. We did not live together 2. He was a lawyer, I am a teacher so our hours were batty. 3. I never got the ‘hey let me feel you up in this elevator vibe’ from him since he was all about appearances. Nuts! I am married now and my husband and I talk openly about things. Umm and he does not think I am a prude ;) I think society and the media has done a great job (sarcastically) with body image issues, black women not wanting to be ho*s, and the thrill of the white woman as pleasure. I am done now lol

  • http://singleblackmale.org MR 2 cents ($0.02)

    LOL chalk this one up to pure craziness! I agree that most of the expectations us brothers place on sisters is crazy LOL.

    #of men a woman sleeps with…a lot of dudes don't wanna wife this kind of chick because she appears to be easy,especially if she's age 30 & under. Man's biggest fear is wifing a chick that so many guys can claim to have slept with,especially if its a guy or relative he may know….just being honest!

    Blackwomen being prudes n the bedroom:…us men will quickly get bored and tired of hearing about what she won't do for wuteva reason(s). This woman will be cheated on quickly or just dropped all together. It ultimately depends on what a dude feels like he can put up with sexually.

    Wifing a freaky chick:…((bonus)) LOL. I don't know to many men who would complain about their wifey allowing them to get their inner p*rnstar on with her. Just because she's a freak doesn't mean she's a h*e. Real men know this…and appreciate this woman….really appreciate her lol

    But in fairness to the ladies,there are lots of double standards involved in a brothers sexual expectations from a blackwoman. Is it fair?..no! But it is honestly the way we look at this. There are other situations in life to where men face double standard when being viewed by women…that's just life I suppose lol. It is…what it is! #just my thoughts

    My recent post The Ridiculous Expectations Black Men Place on the Sexuality of Black Women

    • Asia

      But it doesnt have to be "it is what it is"

      Change your thoughts and stop judging people.

      • Adonis

        @Asia

        SitYoAzzDown

        • http://singleblackmale.org MR 2 cents ($0.02)

          Lmao thank u @adonis! I tried to give a little insight from the male point if view on this topic & @Asia tries to school me smh. Some women just can't help themselves when a man speaks his mind. They just have to say sumthin!! LOL but its nuthing.
          My recent post The Ridiculous Expectations Black Men Place on the Sexuality of Black Women

        • Adonis

          @Mr 2 Cents

          When women have their double standards, who pays for dates, living with your parents, dating broke. Gender-bending.

          I don’t hear the same outrage.

          And my biggest effing point of the night.

          MEN HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE JUDGEMENTAL OF WOMEN. BECAUSE WHEN & IF WE DECIDE TO INVEST IN A WOMAN, WE ASSUME OR FORCED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE OUTCOME OF THE RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE.

          We don’t get the sympathy party when we choose the wrong partner.

          She can cheat, have a child with another man, and you will be on the hook for it.

          You can do everything “right” as a man and STILL come out on the losing end.

          So, in my book, h*es gotta fall back. Men have to step back and size life up, and do what’s best for them.

          Goodnight

        • http://singleblackmale.org MR 2 cents ($0.02)

          @adonis, preach my man..preach!! I agree 100% with every point u made
          My recent post Why Women Fail To Get Asked Out On Dates

  • Southerngyrl_

    Great article. I shared this article on FB and my sister responded with an article written by a woman on Racialicious. I am not sure what the rules are here, but the article was called "Why Can't Black Women Claim Sluttiness, Again?" The author is Laura K. Warrell. It definitely intersects into some of what you mentioned here.

    I've had this conversation so many times. The worst is when women are the ones with the impossible expectations.

  • http://whatyouallow.com/ Wildflower

    Every woman is different. You have prudes, you have sluts, and there are women who are willing to try a little something extra. It's universal… not just with black women. But I do think we are more unwilling to talk about stuff we like although we may be pros at doing it.

    • Bree

      "It's universal… not just with black women" So very true Wildflower.
      If more men became experts at knowing how to bring the "inner freak" out of women they would be much happier.
      It takes time, patience, and skill. Skill in being able to make a person feel comfortable enough with you to want to do any and everything, even things they've never thought of doing before.
      Sometimes it takes smooth talkin skills. I know men who are so smooth they could probably talk a nun out of their habits and panties…..lol. It's all about your verbal and physical skills fellas.

  • Chris

    This is taking it a little bit too far. I don't think its unreasonable at all to NOT want a woman that has had a train ran on her. Nothing wrong with being freaky in the bedroom, but I don't want a woman who is getting tossed with 5 dudes in the same room. If that makes me part of the problem then oh well, it is what it is lol

    • hollyw

      It does. Just the fact that you say this article is "taking it too far" by giving such exaggerated examples of sexuality, i.e. trains and orgies, that weren't even mentioned in the article…this is exactly what the author is talking about!

      • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

        exactly. i don't think its unreasonable to want to be with a woman who didn't have a train ran on her but i didn't mention that in my post. you just took your worst fear and projected it which lines up with the point of my post.
        My recent post Marriage for All…

        • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

          +1

        • Chris

          I understand you didn't but it was mentioned in the article that was written… I didn't take my "worst fear," just used as an example the same example that was used in the article.

      • Chris

        It wasn't exaggerated, because that is what sparked the whole conversation on twitter, which sparked this article… some girl said something about being judged for wanting a threesome with two men and everything just went from there, then turned into black men placing restrictions on black women…

        • whylie2010

          A threesome/chinese handcuffs is not the same as a train.

    • Smilez_920

      Nope not a problem at all Chris . But question all the nasty things that you wouldn’t want your woman to have done or do , have you done it ? If so why shouldn’t she , and why should a woman who hasn’t done those things deal with you ?

      • Chris

        I mean I'm grown, so if my woman does something sexually to me that I enjoy, the first thing that pops in my mind is going to be how much I enjoy it and how I want her to keep doing it, I'm not gonna be worried about where she learned it from because I'm grown, she's grown and it would be unrealistic to assume that she would be a virgin at age 25. And to answer your question, no, I've never participated in a train on a woman, so I would prefer any woman I'm seriously dealing with to not have ever had a train ran on her as well lol

  • Chris

    And if yall were wondering why I brought up trains, that is what started the discussion on twitter lol I watched it all unfold…. guys said they didn't want women with trains being ran on them and it turned into black men place sexual restrictions on black women… no, we just don't want women who are getting gangbanged. No man of any race would pursue any woman of any race who is out here getting G'd lol

    • Asia

      Should we deal with you and your threesomes and all the other shit you have done?

      • Chris

        Well I've never had a threesome before so you can look past that if you want lol

    • Poetic Justice

      I understand your thought. Perhaps you can communicate it in a way that expresses you're taking personal ownership of the opinion that you have this expectation on your partner rather than extrapolating to "we just don't want women.." or "no man of any race." When you express it in that way, I feel you are going from an opinion and personal preference to a judgement on all women… No person is disqualified from being someone else's potential partner…

      • Chris

        Only reason I said "no man of any race" is so black men in particular wouldn't be attacked by preferring their women to not have trains ran on them. This isn't just a black thing. I'm so no man wants to hear his queen had 3 dudes in her at the same time. No person is disqualified from being someone elses partner, but unless you are a freaky ass dude, I can tell you that no man prefers his woman to get gangbanged. All I'm saying lol

    • Young Heaux

      How many women do you know who have actually been "gangbanged"? Seriously. I hear of this crap, but I ain't never seen solid evidence.

  • Streetz

    Seriously, a lot of those dudes from Twin Bed Twitter are just either young, frontin, or both. That's what i take from it.

    Sometimes, men believe their own hype as if their self-merit equals their expectations. Most do not meet or exceed their own goals. Therefore, they lob unrealistic goals on women and slander them when they dont meet them.

    End of the day it's their loss. I can't judge women like that anymore. I can judge your discretionary practices (the entire hood shouldnt know your business), but the judging is so high school its not even funny.

    good post

    • Ms. Smart

      " I can judge your discretionary practices (the entire hood shouldnt know your business), but the judging is so high school its not even funny."

      Excellent point. The only thing different today than in generations before is that people had discretion. There were times and places for all sorts of ridiculous thing–usually not in mixed company. It may have been a result of less moving around and the lack of social media. But men have always said ridiculous things…in barbershops where it belongs.

      • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

        you have a point here too. i can guarantee that the mother of these dudes that have all these expectations were probably dropping into a split on the —-. she just probably never told anyone.
        My recent post Marriage for All…

    • keisha brown

      twin. bed. twitter.
      *crying*

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      "I can't judge women like that anymore. I can judge your discretionary practices (the entire hood shouldnt know your business),"

      SON!

      exactly. i just shake my head when i see people voluntarily dispense information about their sex lives (in written, picture or video format) and act surprised when people use it against them.
      My recent post Marriage for All…

    • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

      What Streetz said.

    • GirlSixx

      Flatlined_____ @ Twin Bed Twitter

  • Ms. Smart

    These ideas seem to come from younger men (under 38). But I think they stem from the idea that their esteem is often tied to feeling powerful. These men don't want a woman who comes out the gate ready to swing from ceilings. They want a virgin-ish woman who they can inspire to do freakish things. This gives these men a sense of accomplishment. "She is so into me, she'll do anything."

    The other reason this comes from younger men is because they talk too much. My the mid to late 30's men know better than to talk themselves out of opportunities for chex (and even relationships), by saying ridiculous things that marginalize a large segment of their chexual/relationship targets.

    • Slim Jackson

      I'm mad you said younger men are any men under 38.lol. I'll take that until I'm 39 though.
      My recent post Speaking It Into Existence Isn’t As Important As This

      • Ms. Smart

        Full disclosure, that was a typo.

      • Bree

        unfortunately this is because they act so young……that maturity level is so low it's not even funny…smdh.

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      "My the mid to late 30's men know better than to talk themselves out of opportunities for chex (and even relationships), by saying ridiculous things that marginalize a large segment of their chexual/relationship targets."

      put them up on game. they don't know any better.
      My recent post Marriage for All…

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      "My the mid to late 30's men know better than to talk themselves out of opportunities for chex (and even relationships), by saying ridiculous things that marginalize a large segment of their chexual/relationship targets."

      put them up on game. they don't know any better.
      My recent post Marriage for All…

    • Bree

      Ms. Smart great points & cosign. Many a female elder has told me that men typically favor ideas that they feel are their own. So they are more likely to do things that they thought of doing, not that someone else told them to do.
      I think with many men its more of an Ego thing. They want to be The First. They also want to feel like they showed and taught their woman everything she knows. I know men who didn't want to show their woman certain things because they didn't want her using the skill with another man if they were no longer together.
      I think Bey says it pretty well in her song EGO
      "It's too big, it's too wide
      It's too strong, it won't fit
      It's too much, it's too tough
      He talk like this 'cause he can back it up
      He got a big ego, such a huge ego"
      Lyrics from http://www.elyrics.net

    • Peter Parker

      Yup, pretty much Ms. Smart. These "yunggins" better recognized. lol

  • Percy Jackson

    I still haven’t bent on my beliefs of judging a woman on the amount of partners she’s had sex with. If you let Tom, Dick, Harry, Jermone, Brandon, Gerald, etc (15 other names) hit after a short periof of time for whatever reason, why should I sign up for a long term contract because you finally seen your promiscuous ways have left you (insert age) an without a man? Who doesn’t want something they feel is exclusive to them on only a select few? Maybe I’m one of those “young dudes” being 26, but women women have the option to have sex with anybody they want at the drop of a dime,(let’s be honest, it’s not often a woman has to go “looking” for sex) so Im wrong for wanting a woman who used a little more discretion with who she let enter her body? You can look at the anatomy of the human body (amount of eggs vs. sperm) do you honestly think women and men were meant to by judged on the same standards when it comes to sex?

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      1. you really think you'll ever find out a woman's real number? its an exercise in futility. 2. you don't think women feel the same way about men who've been with 70 women? it works both ways trust me bro. at the end of the day i'm claiming what i don't know won't hurt me. as long as she's discreet and i don't have dudes running up telling me how they had her i'm good.
      My recent post Marriage for All…

      • Noluv4heauxs

        Right. Thy'll be laughing it up behind your back instead.

    • Ms. Smart

      "If you let Tom, Dick, Harry, Jermone, Brandon, Gerald, etc (15 other names) hit after a short periof of time for whatever reason, why should I sign up for a long term contract because you finally seen your promiscuous ways have left you (insert age) an without a man?"

      So-called 'loose' women stay getting married. All they have to do is react to the man's expectations and allow him to think his words and penis are so special, his having sex with her makes him a member of an elite club. Add an occasional meal and church attendance to it, and he is sold. Then four years into the marriage, when he is out with her at her college reunion (or anywhere that she knows people and he doesn't) and dudes are side-talking about her being a tramp, his feelings are hurt. The problem is, he didn't exercise his due diligence and she outsmarted him on his own so-called standards.

      • FindingWifey

        You Are smart…lol.

    • Asia

      Can you offer the same?

      The problem is, most morons asking for all of that cannot!

      Which was the whole point.

      Asking for qualities you cannot even offer.

      You want a virgin, but its ok for you to be promiscuous.

    • FindingWifey

      Excellent point on the anatomy, # of eggs/spem. I'll have to remember that one.
      +1

  • keisha brown

    this is an awesome post. for many reasons.

    but the funny thing is – many men will ignore it, see it as 'pandering' to black women.
    it's the same thing many women try to say, but it's discounted as 'women logic' and 'feminist squawking'.

    it's very interesting to me that women will always have more burdens (and therefore the slander).
    it's unfortunate, and is here to stay sadly.

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      they can see it however they want. it had to be said tho.
      My recent post Marriage for All…

  • Streetz

    Certain details ok.. but cats shouldnt know your entire roster off rip!

  • Smilez_920

    1) My biggest issue with this is men holding women to a standard , they don’t hold themselves to. I saw that question on twitter yesterday too. The same men who wouldn’t date a woman who wanted to have a 3some with him and another man, have probably been in multiply situations where they’ve ran a train on some woman. To me if you’ve done it you shouldn’t have an issue with the lady in your life doing.

    2) Women don’t make the double standard any better because they are just as quick to call another woman a hoe ( even if she’s done the same ish and has just been more discreet about it ).

    3) somebody brought up the fact that black men, tend to put non black pu$$y on a pedestal . ” white girls gone wild , we don’t judge thou they not on trail “.

    4) Everyday more and more men how how insecure they are. You want a P0rnstar with the resume of a virgin? You want us to be comfortable enough to explore new things with you in the bedroom, but don’t realize that shaming us will only make us close up out of fear you won’t ” wife us” or if we’re in a relationship that you’ll look at us different .

    5) in all honesty most of try men going hard on my timeline about that question yesterday probably dont get a lot of chex and of they do its not quality / trash.

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      "5) in all honesty most of try men going hard on my timeline about that question yesterday probably dont get a lot of chex and of they do its not quality / trash."

      in the end i think that's what it boils down to.
      My recent post Marriage for All…

    • GirlSixx

      "3) somebody brought up the fact that black men, tend to put non black pu$$y on a pedestal . " white girls gone wild , we don't judge thou they not on trail ".

      Sooo I guess nobody (MEN) is going to address this or respond??? *LooksAround*

      OKAY!!

      Carryon

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    "It seems like no man wants to be with a virgin but she can’t have more than two lifetime partners but she has to be able to do [adult film] star type tricks, but she can’t really because that’s not becoming of a Black man’s queen."

    I guess I never understood this. I really never wanted to "train" a woman that just lies there like a mannequin. If a woman these days is around 30 years old, has never been married or taken a vow or chastity, and had three or less partners, I honestly would start to think something is wrong with her.

    Men have $ex with women. Unless it's all the same small circle of women, why wouldn't one think the average woman in this culture has only been with four guys? If the bodycount is like 80, I understand, but that's not common.

  • Smilez_920

    That’s the thing unfortunately these men / boys get on twitter, spew ignorance and women still sleep with them. So they not facing any consequences for talking stupid.

  • http://www.singleblackmale.org/author/wisdomismisery/ WisdomIsMisery

    Great post. I don’t have anything to disagree with so I don’t have much to say. Any man that would pass up happiness with one woman, sexually or other, to pursue short-term satisfaction with multiple women is either young, immature, an idiot, or all of the above. I personally don’t ask for body counts. Show me a clean STI test and ignorance is bliss on your “rap sheet” as far as I’m concerned.

  • Dr. J

    The problem with this post is that it's going to give chicks a blank check. It's really not a matter of the ridiculous expectations we have on women, it's the lack of expectations we have on men. Anytime someone says, "Men can do it, but women can't — that's not fair." I always counter with, why is the solution that everyone should be able to do it instead of telling men to stop doing it?

    Listen man, i'm telling you right now, people ask women to do all types of freaky things in the bed and then judge them for how they react. But a brother makes a girl squirt on the first time and she asks not a question at all.

    • Uncle Hugh, BP

      Dr. J: "It's really not a matter of the ridiculous expectations we have on women, it's the lack of expectations we have on men."

      Quote of the day.

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      awesome point there.
      My recent post Marriage for All…

    • Dracul

      I was just going to post the same thing. I cannot for the life of me understand that reasoning and some of the points above I believe depend on the circles you run with. Most of the dudes I hung around in college were not about sleeping with as many women as possible and we would tell some of our male friends to stop hoe'n around and concentrate one what's important before they caught somethin (these dudes also happened to be doing badly in their classes). Why would you want to do the same thing as an immature dude who can't even prioritize some part of his life?

      • Dr. J

        Most of my friends were older than me all of my life. They always passed down that trying to sleep with mad women isn't the way to go… if you are into sleeping with the best women out there. The goal is to focus on one of the top three women and try to date one of them. When you peep most manwhores they take down a lot of 4s to 6s, not a lot of 9s and 10s. It's only a small number of guys who can be manwhores with 9s and 10s.

        I always wanted to look back on the women i've been with and be proud to share that photo album with my son. I didn't want notches on my belt, I wanted pictures of my past.

        Also, as I tell my young dudes now. The best way to increase demand is to limit the supply. You can't flood the streets with yourself and then hope for people to want you. You have to keep it exclusive.

        • Peter Parker

          " The best way to increase demand is to limit the supply. You can't flood the streets with yourself and then hope for people to want you. You have to keep it exclusive. " Economics 101 bro. Totally agree….Quality over quantity anyday.

  • http://twitter.com/jtSolBroSupreme @jtSolBroSupreme

    Aren't we ALL just somebody else's sloppy seconds? LOL. in the grand scheme of things, you can allow a double-standard to keep you from something that may be really spectacular to you. What if I can't tell you how many sexual partners I have had in my past….then what? And do we really want details of how they hit it? When they hit it? some shit folks should just keep to themselves. I'm a little more liberal in my thinking than most so I don't really analyze a woman's sexual past with such scrutiny. That isn't to say that I don't take it in to consideration either but ultimately, what really mattters is what really matters…and its just different for each individual.

  • Poetic Justice

    For me personally, sexuality does not define an individual. I have come across men with the exact same sexual history but with extremely different characters and personalities. This has led me to prefer a partner that also does not let sexuality or any other one thing define me and my potential to be a good mate.

    Idk, I try not to bother myself with "society's expectations" and just concern myself with living up to my own expectations and discussing my partner's. Most likely our expectations will be the same… otherwise, it's a waste of both of our time.

    Agreeing with most on here, I think the immaturity is displayed when people expect their partner to follow their expectation and not their example or when women or men catch an attitude for wanting to be with someone who prefers not to be with them for xy or z reasons… just move on to someone else. I don't have to take a social stance everytime a potential partner's expectations are different from mine.

  • http://www.petersburgh.wordpress.com petersburgh

    I like this post. I have had girlfriends who were inexperienced and some that were and I loved both sides. Yes I have things I love but I will never talk down to a woman that has or wants to perform said things if it is what I want. That's just ridiculous and any man who does such is a hypocrite. If you feel that way, I'm sure you can find a call girl that wouldn't mind but if you are seriously dating and want those kind of things done, be willing to accept that some woman out there probably beat you to it already. Get over it

  • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net Anthony Brian Logan

    If I allow her to do whatever she want, then that is a two way street. She want to be a freak then I have the right to utilize her just for sex (safely) and not pursue anything beyond that. Or I have the right to not deal with her at all because of her sexually deviant nature.
    My recent post MARRIAGE RIGHTS = CIVIL RIGHTS?

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      to each their own but i feel sorry for any woman who enters a serious relationship with you.
      My recent post Marriage for All…

      • Peter Parker

        Yeah I have to agree with you Tunde. I need a freak as a wife. That is a must have. I mean i would be a hypocrite to judge another person, my future wife, for what she has done in the past. I am concerned about the "now" and building a future for the two of us because bets believe my past is not clean either.

        • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net Anthony Brian Logan

          your freak wife will be in bed with another guy soon as you turn your back and it might be a guy like me.
          My recent post THE CONUNDRUM OF BLACK BUSINESS: OPEN YOUR EYES!

        • Southerngyrl_

          ?

        • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net Anthony Brian Logan

          Do you have a specific question?
          My recent post AN OPEN LETTER TO THE SUPERSTAR ATL MALL COP

        • Southerngyrl_

          That question was more for me, than you. Kind of like, did I really read what I just read?

        • Uncle Hugh, BP

          Anthony Brian Logan: "your freak wife will be in bed with another guy soon as you turn your back…"

          Freak =/= Unfaithful

        • Southerngyrl_

          Okay, good. At first I thought I was just reading it wrong. Glad I am not the only one that gleaned that tidbit from the comment.

        • MaggK

          Ahahahahah thank you Uncle… English is hard lol!!!

  • cynicaloptmst81

    People are still asking for a carfax report in 2013???? I mean, I can understand asking when the last time you've been checked for STDs was, asking to see those papers, or suggesting you get tested together. But, beyond that, you better have a good gosh darn reason for asking me whom I'm had relations with aside from the obvious (my ex-hub). I'm not asking you…don't ask me.

    I did that one good time. And got an honest answer. And regretted it cause I swear it was the beginning of the end, LOL.

    I'm with Streetz and mainly Dr. J on this. But, also, stop asking, I mean, really. Stop. LOL! The only way questioning it is kinda appropriate is if there are rumors/stories about said woman/man floating around.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      End all, be all:

      Find a mate who's down to do what you like when you like. Talk about it up front. I def have lines in the sand…my "you better's" and my "you better not's", lol.

      There's a big double standard…but, like Dr. J said, I think it should be more about ratchet behavior regardless of gender instead of "we should be able to do it too without judgment".

  • 12 Point Buck

    Hypocrisy and double standards are irrelevant if you're making a personal choice for yourself. It's all about what you're attracted to. So if you're a ho yet you don't want to be in a relationship with another ho, then thats just how you feel. It's OK. You don't even need to logically justify it. If your favorite color is red, do you really have to explain why? Naw, thats just the one you like- period point blank.

    I often hear the craziest counter from chicks that "oh you can have dozens of past partners, but your girl cant?" As if my preferences should be bound by my personal standards for myself.

    Thats like saying "oh, you have a peen but you dont want a chick who has one?" or "Oh you have 6 fingers on your right hand, but you want a chick with just 5?"

    We all have our own preferences, even if we don't meet them ourselves, and we owe it to ourselves to go after what we want, not what someone else thinks we should want. Besides, if she doesnt like me being a male ho, she doesnt have to be with me– I won't criticize her if I dont meet her standards.

  • Lovely

    Ok so you have all these expectations of a women… to have only been with less than 3 men, she can't be a freak, or just a little freaky, not a prude, no trains passing threw..etc, etc…But how would you know? Not every woman put ALL her business out in the open… and the ones that do, are not looking to settle down anyway.

    Some are closet hoe's…get what they want, when they want it, and can still get a man like you to marry her or, be in a monogamous relationship!

    You know why?

    Because she will only let you know, what she wants you to know. She will become exactly the type of women you want to see.

    Why? Well you already know the answer…..because that is the only way you will take her.

    I lot of you men really think you know everything about your lady, wife, or whatever you call this close to perfection women…when really, you only know what she want's you to know. A lady never reveals her secrets, and she also knows how to get what she wants without looking like a hoe.

    • Young Heaux

      PREACH!!!

      These dudes will NEVER know who/what she's really done, so why obsess about it?

  • Lovely

    Think about…A hoe don't care what a man thinks of her, that's why she's not trying to hide it!

    But a lady will be discreet. You will NEVER know how many men she has slept with, or any of the freaky things she has done. What happens behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors.

    Only speaking the truth.

  • Adonis

    @Tunde

    You need to be drug tested.

    I know I am taking forever to assume my throne, but damn it, I thought you & other black males are more than capable of picking up the slack.

    1. Black men are not being “ridiculous” on the expectations on a black woman’s sexuality.

    What we probably will agree on, is that black males have not thought about their perspective & sexual expectations all the way through.

    Black men need to continue to be more introspective & seek out guidance from the best men of any group.

    A black man can demand anything he wants from a woman. And his sexual market value will determine whether or not he will get it.

    —————————————

    2. The question has to be asked, are any of the women co-signing you, gonna give you some p***y for caping for them?

    Get it how you live. I understand backroom deals better than anyone. If you are gonna raise someone’s bastard son. Remember the Joker’s kind words

    “If you are GOOD at something, never do it for free”

    Make sure you are getting the ANAL/DEEP THROAT combo with some cash on the side.

    Otherwise you are a dumb@ss.

    —————————————

    3. I really don’t want to deflect or take away from the post, because we are address men, specifically black men & the “ridiculous” expectation we place on a black woman’s sexuality.

    I want to stick to the topic, but we have to take a left for a second.

    This post “On Black Men, And Why We’re Not “Allowed” To Be Human

    – Always Relevant

    It is basically the flipside to this coin, but all thing being equal,

    Sperm is cheap, eggs are expensive.

    —————————

    4. Personally, I do background checks on any prospective woman I want to invest in period. I have guidelines that are not set in stone. When I get more information, my perspective evolves.

    But where a woman’s p*ssy & mouth has been is very important.

    Win or lose. I like my standards, and I will continue to build on them & encourage other black men to get some standards that they are comfortable with.

    ———————-

    Honorable mention:

    These same black women you are caping for would rather date a common serial killer, child molester/rapist, Stevie J, or a Chief Keef dude.

    Than a guy like YOU who has probably done more to move society in a positive direction than all of those men combined.

    But you will cape for them anyway, and you will get all the dating misery you deserve.

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/ madscientist7

      adonis. you don't know me. drug tested?

      i'm not the one you want to bring that sh*t to bruh. all that trolling you do ain't gonna fly with me.
      My recent post Marriage for All…

      • Adonis

        @Tunde

        You posted on a topic that I disagreed with. I gave criticism.

        Stop taking it so personal.

  • King

    So…pretty much, black women want it to be okay to act as what society calls "sluts", and black men are praised for behaving the same way. There are many reasons a dude wouldn't want a chick that's been around. While most are simply and purely a result of stigmas, the rest come from different insecurities. It's difficult for a man to feel like a woman is truly his when he knows she's been with so many. What man doesn't want to definitely be the best his woman has ever had? From personal experience, I'd rather not have a chick that's does things that I'm not into (for, example 2 man-1 chick threesomes and anal), because while I'm out of town, she might be getting those things that I'm not willing to give her lol. That example might seem ridiculous, but I think it gets the point across. If a man's woman's been around, and he knows it (which is key), he may become incredibly insecure. Women deal with these issues much better.

    Now, as a man, would I want to wife a "slut"? I can't bang my girl with another man and allow her to birth my child. That's honestly the only thing I can think of that I just can't deal with. And who knows? I may be into that later. If I feel a strong sense of exclusivity, I'm good.

  • Young Heaux

    I'm so impressed by the fact that you are a man that not only feels this way and recognizes the issue, but took it a step further to speak up about it. Thank you for this post.

  • Uit

    Great post but I get the feeling that its not gonna get far given the majority of the male posts. The standards and stigmas are justified in their minds. But the statement about lack of standards for men has ring of truth. I don't think it's a matter of not having standards but women's inability to stick to them. If women kept to them the way men keep to thiers ….none y'all would be laid short of a ring and a name change lol. But there are always ducks in the pond, sheep in the field and monkeys in the trees some…some things will never change.

  • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net Anthony Brian Logan

    One thing we not talking about is how real HIV is. Especially in a place like DC which I assume "Tunde" is at. You think that where a woman mouth and vagina been aint important until you hit the clinic and you got something you can't get rid of. Or when a few crazy jilted ex-lovers come through your crib looking for her and shoot you. Plus if she get around like that, that also points to her inability to maintain positive relationships with men that do not center around sex. Being a rest-haven for hoes is something that you do not want to be.
    My recent post THE CONUNDRUM OF BLACK BUSINESS: OPEN YOUR EYES!

    • Southerngyrl_

      That is what protection is for. They have condoms, dental dams, spermicide, etc. available. If you're that concerned, you could always ABSTAIN from sex. Be celibate. Many people actually make that choice. There is nothing wrong with it. My thing is, how do you really know if the chick you are dating hasn't been around a lot? I have noticed this about the few commenters, such as yourself, who somehow think they have magical powers that can tell how many partners someone has had, just by looking at her/him. How, pray tell, can you ever be sure?

      • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net Anthony Brian Logan

        Condoms are not 100% effective. You can be celibate all you want to but if your girl is a freak, she not going to be celibate. You can tell whats going on by having conversations to pick up on cues that tell you whats going on. You may not be able to tell 100% of the time but you can tell more often than not. And just because you can't tell 100% of the time doesn't mean you do nothing to protect yourself and figure out whats really going on.
        My recent post AN OPEN LETTER TO THE SUPERSTAR ATL MALL COP

        • Southerngyrl_

          I am not talking about the girl. I am talking about you. I agree that protection is not 100% effective, which is why I brought up celibacy. Why don't you choose celibacy? If your girl is a freak? What if she is, what if she isn't? You can still choose celibacy to protect yourself.

        • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net Anthony Brian Logan

          Maybe you mis understood what I wrote. Let me rephrase. I can be celibate all I want to. But if the girl i'm dating is a freak she probably won't be celibate. Aint that called cheating?
          My recent post BLACK KIDS – YOU CAN DO IT TOO!

        • Jennifer

          Not to be rude but Anthony your comment is irrelevant to this post. The writer, "tunde" is in no way suggesting that women should sleep around with multiple guys.

    • Uit

      That's a good point for EVERYONE not just women. Men get around twice as much as women even now with women "exploring" thier sexuality. So if anything more men should be declining sex more often. But being really selective about sex partners is something everyone should be doing given how proliferate STIs are these days.

  • Big Jai Jai

    Bottom line is boys worry about the number of dudes their chick has slept with. Men don't worry about stuff like that. Men just want a woman that is into what they are into. I went through the whole transition when I was a boy as well. I first said I could never be with a chick that wasn't a virgin, then no more than 3 partners, then double digits, finally as long as she hasn't been with more partners than me.

    On the other side of that coin, there are double standards. LIVE WITH THEM! If my wife and I are laying in the bed and we hear noises, guess who has to go check on it? So there are double standards. I am not saying they are right but they are there.

  • http://twitter.com/jtSolBroSupreme @jtSolBroSupreme

    *Hi^5ing Big Jai Jai*

  • MaggK

    Thank you for that article Tunde.
    Thank you for your answer Doc.

  • http://twitter.com/DoctaPOPS @DoctaPOPS

    I agree with all of this homie!!!!!!!!! you have echoed my thoughts to the tee and I for one am too old to be worried about body counts of a woman I'm into. Live your life for you!!! The people who are critical of your decision also don't make you as happy!

  • http://twitter.com/mpj2k4 @mpj2k4

    If its a double standard I think women have played apart in that. How many times have you seen the player at school, church or work sleep with dozens of women and still have dozens of women intrigued at the fact of getting with him even though he has ran through most of her peers? How many times are women quick to call another woman a slut? Women by nature are attracted to men that are attractive to other women. Its a status thing to them on the flipside the only women that have the problem with the sexual partners double standard are the women that sleep around. To me it an issue where women don't know what they want.

  • Apex Trill

    With me it goes like this if you we’re/are in a relationship you can be as freaky as you wanna be not judgment on my part,but if you are single and and freaky,ie you were a jump off then best believe I’m judging the hell outta you.So to wrap it up if you did any freaky nasty experimental stuff in prior relationship when you enter one with me I view you as having clean slate because that’s the kinda thing I would expect the woman I’m with to do.

  • langwichartz

    Question to the ladies: Do you dwell on who, or how many while you're ENJOYING whats being done to you?

    Reason I ask is because good lovers are hardly ever questioned about experience because its implied that to be a good lover you must have ample experience.

  • http://survivingdating.com/male-struggle-for-control-of-female-sexuality Deborrah Cooper

    I applaud you for having the balls to call these knucklehead dudes out on their dung, because its ridiculous. Older guys tell younger guys this stuff, and the males never stop to think of how ridiculous the contradictory attitudes are, and how hypocritical. Makes them look like fools and women with good sense will never take such a man seriously.

    Back in 2009 I wrote a piece called "The Male Struggle for Control of Female Sexuality" that delved into this duality and slammed black males for their behavior.

    Most recently I wrote one called "All Men Lie – What They Really Want to Marry is a Ho, Not a Housewife" that discussed the desires you pointed out above. They want a freak but she can only be a freak with THEM.

    The insecurity of men is amazing. The fear is not that she has had many sexual partners, BUT THAT HE DOESN'T MEASURE UP AND THAT ONE OF HER PREVIOUS LOVERS IS BIGGER AND BETTER IN BED THAN HE IS. That is why men are so afraid of a woman having more than two men in her bed. He wants to be #1 in skills and he believes that is easier the less she has to compare him to.

  • hlbb

    Actual conversation I had once.

    *post orgasm* (using a trick or two that I had learned)

    Him: "THAT WAS AMAZING! I think I saw God…"

    (two days later while driving)

    Him: so, you know that thing you did the other night…? I was wondering, like…uhm. You practice that a lot?

    Me: I would say so…yeah.

    Him: So, like…how many guys?

    Me: One. You remember that I recently ended a nearly six year relationship with an older man? We lived together?

    Him: yeah..but I figured…

    Me: You REALLY think we only did it missionary for SIX DAMN YEARS?

    Him: well. Doggy style too. But seriously, you only did that with one other guy?

    *facepalm*
    My recent post Thoughts From Your Ex…

  • Neil

    If you heavily Identify with a label like Black woman or Black man you are giving yourself over to be limited confined and defined by those meaningless labels .