Why Women Fail To Get Asked Out On Dates

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Recently, I coined the term “Date Zero Chicks” after a happy hour revealed to me that there’s a subset of women who have no possible chance at ever getting asked on a first date. Let me define, “first date” – a first date is not the first time a guy asks you out for coffee or drinks, or the first time you guys to agree to hang out and watch a movie or meet out at a lounge. A date is when someone asks you directly to do “something” with them, just them and it’s a time that is set aside and made special. The reason I clarify is that many women will say they can get dates, but then their dates really go nowhere afterwards. That’s because those weren’t dates in the first place. They were exploratory sessions or simply just a man thinking “how little effort can I put in to convince her that I’m putting in a whole lot of effort and get…. dat ass?”

What’s keeping these women from first dates? How does a guy know the difference between a woman they’ll date and the ones that he’ll only attempt to sleep with? Or, how does a guy decide on the women that he wants to approach and the ones he’ll pass on?

To me, it’s really simple but it’s hard to explain in Venusivian (the official language of the female gender) – no matter how men break “it” down, you’ll never understand what men mean by she has to have “it.” What I can tell you is that there are several reasons why women never make it on the first date. While many women will disagree or claim that they aren’t fair, I have to remind all of us that our goals determine our actions. We can’t expect our goals to adjust and adapt to our actions. It’s simple you must always meet the requirements for your goals, not the other way around. If your goal is to go on a date then you have to play the game, the way the game should be played.

With that, here’s a list of reasons why you’ll never make it on the first date:

You don’t know when to keep quiet.

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A piece of advice to all, “sometimes making your point is the most irrelevant thing to do.” There’s a lot of confusion with learning when to hold the tongue and feeling like women’s thoughts shouldn’t be suppressed; there’s a big difference.

There are times when women all but talk themselves out of a guy approaching them just by not knowing when to stop.

Your relationship goals seem to require a man, not the man.

I get the feeling sometimes talking with women that they want to be in relationships, they want to be married, they want a husband and family, but it doesn’t really ever matter who that person is as long as they have the same goal. It reminds me of people who get degrees from no-name schools just to say they have the degree, instead of those people who identify the Top 25 or so schools and make it a point to go there because the school matters to them.

If a man is just a necessary evil to the bigger plan that you have for your life, he’s most likely going to pass.

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You think that your flaws are character traits that a man should appreciate.

Let me put this out there, this “I want someone who is going to appreciate me for me” movement has gone too far. It’s okay to want someone who is going to accept that you’re not perfect.

However, if there is something inherently wrong in your life or something that needs fixing, fix it.

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You want a clean slate but won’t offer the same to a man.

Women do a good job of having a list of reasons why they won’t date a guy. They don’t want to date you if you dated one of their girlfriends, or if you’ve got a few skeletons in your closet from the past. However, let them tell it, everywomanone deserves a second, third, fourth, fifth chance.

When men get the shake down in the early proceedings of approaching but are asked to get over similar things because “it’s different” it makes them walk away quickly.

You lack even the semblance of consistency.

As it pertains to consistency, there are tons of women who never realize that they are so inconsistent it cripples any man’s ability to take them seriously. They say they want a serious relationship but it’s widely known that they’ve got a nightrider waiting in the depths of late night texts. They say they want to settle down and get serious about getting married and starting a family but their Facebook is full of pictures of them standing on couches in Vegas. And it’s not just your social life that needs consistency but all facets. It could be your dedication to the gym and dieting – yes, men notice when you have a cheat day, week, or month. Maybe it’s your dedication to your career – men notice when it seems that one moment you’re gung hoe about your career and the next you’re like, “At least I get a paycheck.” Men (and women) need consistency in the people they date.

If you’re wildly inconsistent, chances are nobody is going to take you seriously and you won’t ever make a first date.

I stopped here. I’ll post five others next week. I wanted to finish it all today but that would have been a very long post and to be honest, I wanted y’all to read it. I know how attention wanes in long posts, even when it’s probably the most pertinent thing you’ll read this year. (“You” being defined as those women who are wondering why they don’t get asked out on dates as often as they’d like. Those of y’all who are married, in a relationship and happily single people – this ain’t your part of the show.)

If you’ve just skimmed over this article, please go back to the top and read it again. Some of you will be upset, I don’t much care, the type of person who gets upset with this post today is not someone I’m really going to lose sleep over. Some of you will disagree, that’s perfectly fine. I want to conclude with this – many of these things go both ways. Men have over the years learned to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing a lot better than women. (Either that or they just shut the hell up so that you’ll never figure out what’s really going on.)

I’ll end with the list again and show you how we as men are raised to avoid these flaws:

  1. You don’t know when to keep quiet – “Women like to talk, the key is to just get them started and let them.”
  2. Your relationship goals seem to require a man, not the woman – “If you want to get a girl, make her feel special.”
  3. You think that your flaws are character traits that a woman should appreciate – “Get your affairs in order before you go out there on the streets.”
  4. You want a clean slate but won’t offer the same to a woman – lol, I got nothing on this.
  5. You lack even the semblance of consistency – “Persistence is key.”

4 out of 5 of those is answered when men are growing up. I can’t say the same for the other gender.

 

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  • http://twitter.com/mpj2k4 @mpj2k4

    Well for me its different. If I meet a woman and we text and chat for a little bit and I'm interested I will ask her out. I will find out if she fits that above criteria during the first date. So with me a lot of women make it to the first date because I do want to get to know her. Now defining what a "date" really is depends on the person in my opinion. Those reasons above would be reason why I wouldn't call her afterwards but not a reason why she wouldn't make it to a first date but that's just me lol.

  • amicus82

    A fine list. I really like the distinction between going out and going on a first date. Also, I can't agree enough with #1. When I'm in mixed company, I smile to show I'm friendly – but I don't talk or argue nearly as much as I'm capable of. I think talking too much makes a woman look attention hungry & crass.

    My recent post The Split: Surviving The Love Hate Relationship

  • John

    Well, I was trying to follow this guy until I read "It reminds me of people who get degrees from no-name schools just to say they have the degree, instead of those people who identify the Top 25 or so schools and make it a point to go there because the school matters to them." Obviously this guy knows little about the value of education. I know no one who went and got a degree "just" to say they got a degree. No-name or not, degrees cost a lot of money and time. Most go in hopes (granted, sometimes false hopes) of landing a career.

    I'd say that I know more people who think that the school matters more than the degree. Not sure if that is supposed to be a better scenario.

    • DBoySlim

      I know people who go for the paper. Seeing that the job market requires degrees for positions that don’t need them, it becomes a matter of survival.

    • Herbert

      You COMPLETLY missed his point. He used education as a means to say something about those who get degrees just to have them (think the University of Phoenix Online). That was his point. It was not to demean education, but those who get it just to say they have it. I had to reread it to get clarity and I found it after doing so. Might I suggest doing likewise.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    Doc dropping Funk Flex bombs all over this post….

    First, i agree theres difference between going out and a date, i will ask you to go to a movie or grrab something to eat thats simply because i wanna see movie a or i’m hungry. As for the points themselves

    1. I dont mind a woman who talks, its more of whether there is healthy dialogue or not, like this isnt an interview, you should be able to hold conversation and not just play 21 questions.

    2. this is often the fatal flaw, while part of it is on me to i guess make myself stand out and let her get to know and like me but for the most part women tend to have a mental checklist of qualities that they looking for that i must pass first and then she’ll get to know me.

    3. Many are oblivious to how others see them on the dating market, they swear they are cant miss prospects and that its the men, not them thats the issue.

    4. Like my previous point, women go in with the mindset men are just looking to get all up in them guts, we’ll do what we allow, dont let your guard down for a second….this already 3 hurdles to jump over and i havent even introduced myself yet.

    5. No country for full of sh t women. It sets a bad precedent

    • SMilez_920

      1. I dont mind a woman who talks, its more of whether there is healthy dialogue or not, like this isnt an interview, you should be able to hold conversation and not just play 21 questions.

      ——> I agree, but it's a two way street. A lot of men aren’t great at holding conversation either. I've actually noticed a lot of guys who come out and say “I need a woman that can hold a conversation" have the hardest time actually holding / contributing to a conversation.

      • Lyn

        Men do that, then when you stop talking the ask why you aren't talking. And you realize they can't hold a damn conversation themselves lol.

        Us women have to do an awful lot to get a man nowadays, there are so many rules, articles, do this, don't do that. You're too big, too small, too muscular.

        I just think it send the wrong message of women are inadequate and have to change and men can be as inadequate as they want because women will constantly change to fit in their box.

        If the guy you like doesn't ask you out, look elsewhere, because that is probably not the guy for you.

    • Smilez_920

      Question: Do you pay for the woman when you go out, or do you only do that on dates and if so shouldn’t she just consider you a friend and not a romantic option?

      I go out with my homies (male or female) so are you sating that woman confuse romantic interest with someone who might just need company or bored?

      • Lyn

        I have actually done this before lol, it's embarrassing but at least I learned my lesson for next time.

        Had it happen twice.

        One guy I was treating like a friend because he told me he liked brunettes (which equals white women to me) and he was also treating me like a friend with the exception of paying for lunches and dinners. The he tells me that he likes me…I was like when do you like me "like that" because I am not getting that from you. He said he liked me even though it "didn't seem like it. He was 36. I was 24. Nuff said. I basically never talked to him after that.

        The other guy that I liked would be very coy and mysterious but didn't actually like me "like that" so I started talking to other guys in front of him. He seemed to feel some sort of way about it, but what do you expect? What I learned from both situations is the wishy washy shit aint for me at all.

        I figured out years and years ago that friends with benefits ain't for me and never will be, which is where I think both guys were going with their I like you but we are just friends thing.

        Now I assume the guy just wants to be friends, if not he is going to have to say explicitly that he wants more, the guessing games are for the birds.

  • 12 Point Buck

    Dating options abound for chicks. A girl would have to be a woolly mammoth to not have any dating options, even if those dudes really just want to beat.

    The issue isn't why men don't ask women out… it's why the men that the women WANT don't ask them out. If you're not the type to show up on her radar, you might as well be invisible. It follows, therefore, that chicks could increase their dating options by expanding their radar range or calibrating for different targets.

    • Bree

      "The issue isn't why men don't ask women out… it's why the men that the women WANT don't ask them out."
      This statement right here pretty much sums up the point. As u stated we all can attract the opposite sex, (even the same sex sometimes). Sometimes we attract the opposite sex more at different points in our lives depending on our lifestyle and environment. But if your not attracting the people that you want then the ones you do attract are in vain. I've stated this before, the root of the plight of single people typically is that the people that you like don't like you and vice versa.

      • Bree

        Also there is the issue of having "staying power." I believe someone commented on a previous blog that a woman can start off being a 10 in a mans mind and as time goes on do and say things that bring her down to a 4 or 5 and he drops her like a bad habit. This can happen in a few short months time.
        Not to mention we all choose the people we do for a wide variety of reasons. So while I agree that those are some of the reasons, they are just a few of many. Some people have no rhyme or reason to why they choose the or don't choose the people they are with. It just happens a certain way.

    • http://twitter.com/jtSolBroSupreme @jtSolBroSupreme

      Basically, a lot of women want to be approached WHEN they want to be approached. That in itself doesn't mean that you well….and in other settings when they DON'T want to be approached, they get approached. Its one of those Catch 22-Things.__As for the talking, yeah, it isn't JUST talking…cause I swear my godsister comes to mind. That girl is a motoromouth Mabelle…mouth of the south, tongue everlasting. She will tell you she is OVERLY opinionated and she isn't lying. We ALL have opinions but she goes hard SOOOO hard it turns a lot of guys OFF. I've tried to explain that to her but to no avail.__But if you think what you're doing is working for you, more power to you.

      • http://twitter.com/jtSolBroSupreme @jtSolBroSupreme

        FLIPSIDE to this….sometimes, guys aren't trying to hit up every woman they see, if that isn't where their mind is. For some, it is where their mind is 24-7 [you know some can multitask, lol]….for others, they are focused on other things so it is what it is.

        Hanging out vs. Real Date? Hmmm…..perception perception…and REALITY. LOL

    • http://twitter.com/SecretSweetLady @SecretSweetLady

      I just expanded my so-called "radar range" from highly educated black men to highly educated men from all backgrounds that love black women. It doesn't make serious dating easier, it just makes getting asked out more common. My mind and heart still loves it the most when a black men can stimulate my mind. Unfortunately cannot afford to limit myself like that anymore.

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    "You think that your flaws are character traits that a man should appreciate.

    Let me put this out there, this “I want someone who is going to appreciate me for me” movement has gone too far."

    Someone put this on a billboard.

    • DeKeLa

      I made that quote in Photoshop. And Put it has my desktop wallpaper..

      Fin.

    • Paul B.

      Best. Line. Ever.

    • http://twitter.com/SecretSweetLady @SecretSweetLady

      Wow Yes. I feel likw this is a great line and lesson for me.

  • http://whatyouallow.com/ Wildflower

    These comments are hilarious!
    My recent post Where Is This Relationship Going?

  • Larry

    Good post, Doc.

    Number 2 for me is an ultimate turn off!

    "If a man is just a necessary evil to the bigger plan that you have for your life, he’s most likely going to pass."

    I've felt his before….felt like the woman was more infatuated and in love of the idea of being in love/married/having kids, etc..then with whom she was going to share these experiences with. Almost kind of like a top down mentality as opposed to bottom up.

  • bellatrice1

    I didn't know men were this deep when deciding whether to ask a girl on a date lol. But, I am able to admit, I may lack consistency. As I read it, it was as though you knew me, but again, I didn't think guys looked at all this.
    My recent post I’m Forever Single…I Live in L.A.

    • Bree

      bellatrice not all men do. Some do. I know men who have married women because they had fat azzes or because the sex was good or because they just lived in the same bldng as she did and was around her all the time or they worked together and just got close from having to work together.
      This may apply to Dr. J and some other men but definitely not all. Doesn't mean its right or wrong. Everyone does whatever they feel is right for them. What works for some doesn't work for others.
      In the grand scheme of things there is no one size fits all with regard to love and relationships.
      Sadly this is the very reason why many people fail at relationships and marriages. There are no regimented rules or specific set of things that are guaranteed to work. It's basically u take a chance and it's pass/fail.

      • bellatrice1

        True. Men are always yapping about how simple they are, as far as their wants and needs. It's a bunch of malarky.

        Bree, honestly I think most men marry for the reasons you listed above – shallow reasons. That's why the divorce rates are so high. Looking for the wrong things and putting too much focus on the physical. Then they wonder why they lose interest (they call it falling out of love) or marry psychos. But, I digress…lol
        My recent post I’m Forever Single…I Live in L.A.

        • Peter Parker

          Can't agree or atleast the boys in my circle. I mentioned this in a post last week and the key theme was marry your friend. Marry the woman you dont' mind coming home to, you can talk to, who doesn't nag the hell out of you, and etc. I can't speak for others, but when you have a circle of about 15 dudes that are all married and HAPPY (1 has already celebrated their 10 year anniversary and are only 35), I think the formula must be working…

        • bellatrice1

          I agree. That is what I've been told is the key , as well, but someone is not following this great advice or else again, the divorce rates would not be as high as they are and have been over the last decade.
          My recent post I’m Forever Single…I Live in L.A.

        • Bree

          Bellatrice have u though about relocating……lol ijs.

        • bellatrice1

          Is this because of my recent blog post. I don't feel that way (as in what the title states). In the article you'll see I re-quoted someone else, but I actually have thought about relocating lol
          My recent post I’m Forever Single…I Live in L.A.

      • Jay Dee

        So basically being attracted to a woman means I'm a piece of shit who has nothing to offer.

        That's a pretty shallow judement.

    • oh ok…

      And now you know….and knowing is part of the battle. **cue G.I Joe cartoon theme music** :)

    • http://twitter.com/SecretSweetLady @SecretSweetLady

      I know right??? I think the key is the difference between serious men and playful guys…

  • Bree

    Another thing to consider is the mans reason/s for dating. Some men are not dating to marry, they're dating to date. Some men are just dating to get some consistent azz from one person and find that consistent fwb. Some men are dating to marry. Some men know exactly what they want in a woman and some do not have a clue, they just know what they don't want. I doubt very seriously Most men are this deep, even the ones seeking wives. Many time things we wouldn't believe play a large part in 2 people getting and staying together; all depends on the person and everybody is different.

    • Peter Parker

      Very true Bree.

  • langwichartz

    It seems to me like dating has become a game where men do as little as possible to get some, and women try to get as much as possible without giving up any. We have to change this ideology people!

    • Suisse Jam Guy

      #Americanproblems

  • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net Anthony Brian Logan

    its not really necessary to date nowadays since u can get ass the first night if your talk game is right. then you got people who have ulterior motives usually financial or sexual … so dates don't matter. on the flip side of that i think alot of people are scared to ask the young ladies on dates. and sometimes the young ladies will put up a force field around themselves with the way they dress and their facial expressions that act as man-repellent. but that's just my two cents anybody feel any different please respond.
    My recent post BLACK KIDS – YOU CAN DO IT TOO!

    • http://twitter.com/SecretSweetLady @SecretSweetLady

      I opened up the field by deciding that I won't focus on just black men anymore.

      • Domi

        Me too. Love has no color. :)

    • Domi

      What do you mean by the way they dress? Do you mean the Club clothes? lol.

  • NCW

    I actually agree with this article. I am always amazed with women who say they haven't gone on dates in years (and its not by choice). Then you get to know the type of woman they are and you are like I see why no man wants to spend his time or money on you. I had a coworker who was attractive but couldn't get a man to call her or take her out AT ALL. Men wouldn't even take her to a movie (Which is a horrible date idea by the way b/c you are sitting in the dark not talking lol). Then I got to know her and realized that she talked too damn much and had too much attitude. I ended up telling her no man wants to deal with all of that. If you can't get a man who at least wants to spend time with you in the beginning when everything is suppose fun and new, then you will NEVER get to an actual relationship. She also believed that a man would solve all her problems and her life would magically be perfect if one came into it. She is still lonely and bitter but blames her lack of men on the man and not her own issues.

    • http://twitter.com/SecretSweetLady @SecretSweetLady

      I have one question: Could you let women know why they are undateable? I think many women would appreciate the male perspective.

  • Ceecee

    what about being asked out at all. you know, the initial contact. some women, including myself, appear to be invisible. I could be with a group of friends and they all get approached and asked out, except for me. it happens so much that it becomes the norm and does not even bother me that much anymore. but I do not wqnt to be single for the rest of my life. so what are some of the things that keep women from being asked out? I should point out that I am heavier, nowhere near obese though, than all of my girlfriends.

    also we are not always in pack. I spend a lot of time doing g activities by myself and I still get ignored by guys.

    • http://twitter.com/SecretSweetLady @SecretSweetLady

      Have you asked men what vibe you give them? Asked your brother/cousin/male co-worker? Asked for ther HONEST opinion? Chances are you will find your answer there. The devil is in the details sometimes… I did it and found out I have a lot of work to do. I do asked out but never by guys that are complete strangers. Smile at a guy that seems handsome/attractive/interesting to you at least once, every time you go out… Maybe you will meet some new people.

  • Ren

    Men find me attractive and I don't get asked out either. When I've asked my male friends their honest opinions, they say I'm a good catch and they don't really know what I'm doing wrong.

    I do think that dating has just become more difficult and a woman doesn't necessarily have to be doing anything wrong to be dateless. Maybe it's a matter of timing and not meeting the men who are into you. I have had men really like me and then lose interest but I'm not sure why.