The Strain of Being Mr. Nice Guy

nice black guy

There’s always talk about Mr. Nice Guy (MNG).  He’s the guy who, depending on the severity of his niceness, is either related to or the same as the man who saves.  MNG can end up in the the dreaded Friend Zone quicker than a virgin experiencing his first orgasm (or so I heard).  But, what about the times when Mr. Nice Guy can’t be nice anymore?

Before I continue, let me say that we tend to think of Mr. Nice Guy as only being in romantic relationships.  Often, MNG is too nice in ALL facets of his life.  He’s the dude whom people walk over; on purpose or not.  He knows he should speak up for himself, but he doesn’t if he thinks it’ll make waves.  As a matter of fact, MNG goes to great lengths to avoid making waves at all.  He’s generally non-confrontational.  MNG is also a people pleaser. Basically, Mr. Nice Guy leads a stressful life.

You’re probably trying to figure out the correlation.  Well, it’s *mostly* simple.  Since keeping the peace is his goal, he’ll do whatever is necessary to make it happen.  If his needs go unmet, then so be it.  The kicker is, the needs are still present.  At the point of realizing he’s unfulfilled, MNG has two lanes of recourse.

He can either a) keep his needs to himself, or b) find a way to get them met.

Common sense would suggest that getting his needs met is the best course of action.  But remember, we’re talking about a man who is the antithesis of self-preservation.  Taking this into account, he only has one option: a) keeping his needs to himself.  Most nice guys end up in this lane.  Not only is it a problem; it’s dangerous.

The danger is mental, emotional, physical, financial, and social.

Mentally and emotionally speaking, not having an outlet for his needs and desires is poisonous, almost toxic.  Life gets drowned out because all MNG hears are his internal thoughts that will stay present until they’re allowed to surface.  If they’re allowed to surface.  Keeping his stuff bottled up can cause stress, which leads to ulcers, heart attacks, and strokes.  Financially, it damages him because nobody knows what he needs.  For instance, he could be on the verge of bankruptcy and under a mountain of debt and people would be none the wiser. Combine all this together and we end up with a man who has walled himself off from others.  He’s imprisoned himself, and nobody will know how to get through to him.

Eventually, MNG will again be left with two choices.  He can let the culmination of factors affect his overall physical well-being, or blow the h*** up!  Neither is beneficial.  Both can wreak havoc in his life and relationships.

The same factors that affected the physical before come into play again.  If he blows up though?!  That’s a whole other situation.  A blow up is therapeutic, but almost never positive.  Sure, Mr. Nice Guy gets rid of much stress, but what’s left in the wake is akin to the devastation from a tornado.

Feelings are hurt.  Jobs are lost.  Relationships are broken, sometimes irreparably.  There’s even a chance of death for others, or MNG himself.  All because “life” boiled over in this man and the top finally came off.

There’s no surefire way to prevent Mr. Nice Guy from reaching Defcon-5.  There’s also no way to be sure he’ll ever get to that point.  What is assured is that it’s not healthy…at all.  The responsibility rests with Mr. Nice Guy to seek help.  Hopefully it’ll be there when he needs it.

Are you, or do you know a Mr. Nice Guy/Ms. Good Girl?  If so, have you encountered any of these kinds of issues?  What has helped you, or the people who are that you know?

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  • langwichartz

    I admit I have NG tendencies, but I have adopted more of a survivalist/self-preservation mentality due to the harsh post-apocalyptic dating environment. I'm on some "Book of Eli" type ish right about now!

    • Darrk Gable

      Lol! Bruh, I didn't know it was that serious out here. I guess I've been out the dating game too long.
      My recent post Midnight Love: The Memories In The Music

      • langwichartz

        Yes sir! It's a desert wilderness out here. Environment is harsh and incapable of sustaining life…lol!

  • http://twelvepointbuck.tumblr.com/ 12 Point Buck

    Like my mom said about C, D, and F students in high school– "somebody's gotta flip the burgers."

    The world needs MNGs and pushovers. Its rare that they actually get to Defcon-5, and when they do, they're more self-destructive than not.

    I don't envy the MNGs of the world. But I don't want them to disappear from the face of the earth either. Most guys go through a phase of MNG anyway, so it's really just a life learning experience. Some never get past it, but hey, that's fine too. Somebody's gotta be the Mangina– if every dude was a Boss, there'd be more competition for these hos.

    If every nice guy started going super saiyan,
    it'd mess up the curve like a class full of Asians.

    You know I'm right.

  • hhh

    in an "Justice League Unlimited" epsiode, Apocalypse is knocking Bats around, and mocks him, rightfully so. Supes lands a haymaker, and gives this speech:

    "That man won't quit as long as he can still draw a breath. None of my teammates will. Me? I've got a different problem. I feel like I live in a world made of cardboard, always taking constant care not to break something, to break someone. Never allowing myself to lose control even for a moment, or someone could die. But you can take it, can't you, big man? What we have here is a rare opportunity for me to cut loose and show you just how powerful I really am.""

    from my research, and POV into this, i believe that true MNGs suffer from this. You feel it's the right thing to help others. You don't want to be that creep, you don't want to be the jerk, not for some carnal reason. but at the same time, if you don't let loose what you're feeling, you don't let out the emotions, in a postive way…you suppress it..like Darrk said, you'll kill yourself slowly. if you do to much, if you're around a certain person, certain people too much…it eventually drains you.

    so for those who are truly MNG, understand that while you're a rare class of human being, and that what you do won't be acknowledged, you aren't alone. plug out of the world and make time for yourself outside of life and social issues. Go fish. grab a bike and ride. get in the gym. the world will be there when you come back. but most of all, remember your friends, the ones that rescue you from your loneliness, that accept you for who you are.

    just a start.

    ps. don't date thinking because you're MNG that you're entitled the fine chick. chicks date dudes they're attracted to, so work on your money and your looks.

    thank you for this post, Darrk.

    • KitKatCuty84

      I enjoyed that speech myself. For those who haven't seen it, "JLU" is on Netflix.

      I agree with this:

      "ps. don't date thinking because you're MNG that you're entitled the fine chick."

      I have met SEVERAL supposed MNG's who had chips on their shoulder about not having a hottie because they were so nice and "deserved" one. Meanwhile I'M too nice to mention that's not the right thing to say to your DATE. I wasn't too nice to stop responding to their texts, though. Don't be a member of someone's pity party, even your own.

    • payne well
    • Darrk Gable

      So, like uh, why didn't you just write the post? You said what I was getting at it less than 200 words lol! Real spit though, kudos for the JLU.
      My recent post Midnight Love: The Memories In The Music

    • Paul B.

      Correction: it’s Darkseid, not Apocalypse.

      • h.h.h.

        my bad, you're right #respect

    • cynicaloptmst81

      Really enjoyed your comment, hhh…

      But, now, I feel left out…and uncool cause I have no clue what JLU is, lol…

    • langwichartz

      +100 for the JLU Superman quote!

  • The CPT

    I'm a former Nice Guy so now I encourage other self-proclaimed nice guys to grab their knutz and act accordingly. I only pay attention to those that seek self-improvement. Those that seek out how to do and get better. The ones who want to sit around an mope about not being able to get the pretty girl to like them because they are into anime need the most help, and I really hope they get it.

    Why did I mention myself as a former Nice Guy and what changed?
    Simply put, I did inventory of self and found out that I can get what I want and don't have to be friend zoned. I had to stop worrying about if what I said would shock or scare a woman…just say that ish.
    I had to stop worrying about if I got rejected…most of the time it was for the better and I'm thankful to many ladies for helping me dodge the bullet. Biggest thing was I had to stop making safe bets. Take a few risks…do something bold…say what you want and DGAF what the response is. I never became a jerk, just a more assured man. It took a while though.

  • steve

    So I’m a mng and you’re right on all those accounts. I have ulcers and have been put on meds to regulate my chemical makeup. It has helped but not completely. Unfortunately I have reached the defcon-5 3 times now with very bad consequences. Anyone else with this affliction I sincerely hope you don’t continue down this path as I have.