How To Respond To People Who Hate On Your Relationship

eniko-11

So Kevin Hart said this…

On People Who Hate on His Relationship

“Here’s the reality. You wanna know the sad reality that I say to angry women? If it wasn’t her it [still] wouldn’t be you! That’s the sad part of the reality. So, these people that get angry about another man’s happiness, ask yourself, ‘If he wasn’t with her, would he be with you?’ The answer still is NO! So either way, you’re putting time and energy into somebody else’s happiness.”

“Here’s another thing to really think about: Like, When you’re thinking about another person, are they thinking about YOU? [laughs] Ask yourself, when you see some people that look happy…..and they’re smiling…and you’re typing these angry comments…..ask yourself, ‘Are they [also] thinking about you?’ No, no I’m not.

But, I’m such a grounded guy so, I understand where it comes from and I understand why it happens. The public’s job is to judge.”

I’ve often found myself in line with the thoughts expressed by Kevin Hart about his relationship. I think that when you have strong views about what you want in your life and others have strong views about what they want in their life the two worlds collide. I’m always amazed at people’s opinions about other folks’ relationships because they never seem to add up. I’ve talked to many women and men who complain about another person’s circumstance and I’ve always asked, “Why do you care?”

A few months ago, I came to the realization that I really didn’t care too much for outside opinions on my dating life. I’m the one in the relationship or situation (a common term for Generation Y) and so it doesn’t really matter what someone else has to say. As we get older, we realize that if you’re happy with your approach or desires then the validation of public opinion doesn’t much matter.

And I’ve heard some crazy things over the years.

“You only like those pretty girls.”

As if this is something that I should not want.

“It’s clear you have a type.”

As if this is something that I should not have. Moreover, doesn’t everyone have a type? It can be healthy or unhealthy but it still remains. I joke with my friends all the time, “I’m an aesthetic whore. So yeah… I have a f*cking problem.”

And in all of this the thing that resonates with me is that even if I wasn’t dating the woman I was dating, it likely wouldn’t be the person critiquing my interest in that person. Listen, I got my own issues and I’m aware but I’m not settling for anything than what I want. I don’t understand why people buy things that they don’t want just because that’s what they can afford. My daddy told me one time that he bought an expensive car because if he had to pay for it, he wanted to make sure it was something he wanted.

And as for this family and in this house, we wholeheartedly agree with that.

So I guess when I think about it, it’s a lot like what I told my friend the other day about my dating life.

“I don’t really take the comments that are posted on my articles because I know that I would never date any of those people who dissent. Am I going to date someone who is always contrarian to anything I say? Am I going to date someone who thinks I have some type of complex or “type”? Nope. Therefore, I don’t care and I don’t respond. They don’t know me and they won’t date me.”

I dropped a post two years or so ago and this is an excerpt that applies here:

Over the weekend I had the pleasure of sitting down with a friend of mine who told me something about my post last week. She could see that it was having an effect on me and she wanted to give me some words of encouragement. I didn’t really want to talk about it because it’s just a sore spot and most people don’t seem to get it, even after I explain it to them. They keep going back to, “But you said you have a preference and that’s really not that big of a deal.” Meanwhile, I’m like, “I didn’t say that, but whatever.” Over the weekend I thought, “You know, I look at the friends I have and most of them went to the same school as me. Does that mean I have a Cuse preference? Or does that mean, that I looked at the friends I have and assessed that the majority of them went to Cuse?” I digress. She said this to me:

“Jay what you have to understand is that those girls do not have a problem with you, they have a problem with their selves. You can’t let that affect you, or weigh you down, there’s nothing that you can do to make them feel better about them.”

You know what? I look back on those words from a wise woman and I think that it will always resonate with me. My advice, date who you want because you got to lay next to them every night. If you dating somebody because of what everyone else thinks about them or you, you’ll never be happy.

Yeah… word.

And shoutout to Necole for putting the original post that this post was inspired from, check it out here.

- Dr. J

 

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  • http://www.lifeisablast.org payne well

    I think that goes back to this saying a wise man once said: what you eat don't make me sh*t.
    My recent post Baby you got my attention what you gon do with it-Why confidence trumps physical perfection

    • http://twitter.com/jtSolBroSupreme @jtSolBroSupreme

      LOL.. PAYNE…GET OUTTA MY HEAD, GIRL!

  • Smilez_920

    The thing is even if someone has a preference , type or whatever if it doesn’t directly effect ” you” then what’s the issue. You can’t control who and what people like. I dont know what this beef is with Kevin Hart and his new girl vs his ex – wife . Who cares as long as their children are taken care of and no body out here fighting or beating anyone what’s the big deal.

    • http://twitter.com/jtSolBroSupreme @jtSolBroSupreme

      I chalk it up to folks insecurities whenever they start going in on what they perceive as what type somebody likes. I'm bald, 5'10", if a chick likes dudes with a nice haircut and over 6'1", guess what, that doesn't affect me cause that ain't for me obviously. Why take offense to that. I always say people like what they like…whatever they like.

  • http://twitter.com/DamnPOPS @DamnPOPS

    I don't really have much to say, I just really dig this. It mirrors how I've felt for a while. Tell people like juelz used to say, "don't watch me watch TV"

  • Tash

    I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS!

  • Emma Taylor

    This article is full of all kinds of hidden messages and I'm raising the bullshit flag. Black men need to take some personal responsibility, starting with those who write for this site.
    First you create a website called The Single Black Male, and thus hoards of black women flock to it and become loyal readers because they want to understand the black male psyche. What they get instead is yet another helping of "I love me some light skinned and Hispanic women".
    Black women comment and tweet their disappointments because this is what we get thrown in our faces everyday in our regular lives. You may say you have a type or preference and that's cool, but when we see her and she consistently doesn't look like us, what we feel is "we're good enough to be your readers, help you boost your writing career, but never in a million years would we be good enough to get with you."
    After reading the articles on this site and dealing with black men in my own daily life it has become apparent that black men have a preference for any woman that doesn't look like them and now they've taken to the net to share that with the masses. For black women who want to see our black communities thrive and grow, this is a painful realization.
    I remember reading an article posted by Dr. J some time ago where you said you would no longer write about relationships because you clearly had gotten your feelings hurt one too many times by a gang of black women who weren't jumping on your "I love Hispanic women bandwagon". But you got over it and don't worry we'll surely get over losing a brother to the lighter side since that's clearly where you want to be. But all we ask in return is that you stop rubbing that bullshit in our faces, stop writing about relationships like you said you would, and direct your articles away from those of us that you clearly have an issue with. Then in turn you'll lose those hateful readers and no one will be out there to give a dam about your interracial relations. That is the advice your friend should have given you.
    I should note I have all but given up on black men, I come to this site because it provides me with content I use in articles I write encouraging black women to maven on from black men. So don't worry I'm not hating, you do you. Be with who you want. I think you'll find that there's an increasing number of black women who could really care less.

    • kevin

      Someone has ABS (angry blackwoman syndrome)

    • Blgray317

      wow. I'll start by saying there is truth to what you've written. There are black men that don't want to date women that look like them. Some men love the "lighter skinned" women. Sure.

      I feel like we gotta take some of you old heads back to middle school on this one. You have to like someone to want to date them first. Period. If you're vibing with a person I guarantee you that the checklist for preferences go out the window. It's a PREFERENCE. It's not law.

      You sound super bitter about men not wanting to date women that "look like them". Actually, it sounds like you have terrible judgement skills if all the men in your life say the same thing. Don't ask for the male perspective and then get mad when it doesn't fit your idea.

    • Ari

      I agree with a lot of what you wrote; I just didn’t feel like typing all of that. And I KNOW that other women have read the post, your response, and moved on just like I had initially. I do not think that you have ABS. Really, in this “Black men who prefer to date LS/Latina/Mixed/White women” vs. “Browner Black Women” no one wants to take the time out to try to understand the other side’s viewpoints. For men, I do not think it is such a deep rooted issue, preferences are simply preferences. For women, we don’t understand why or which features of a browner woman are so unappealing that it would compel so many men to rule out a slew of women. Especially when in the African-American community this was not the norm 10, 15, 30, 50 years ago.
      Honestly, when it pertains to Black men who declare “I’ll date any woman but brown skinned women”, it stings for a second. When I hear this I am more perplexed than insulted. I feel like, and ladies correct me if I’m off base, but it stings less when a Black man dates ALL women, and not all women BUT browner Black women.

      Nonetheless, men like Dr. J don’t owe us any explanation.

      Black women. . . Let it go.

    • https://www.facebook.com/john.shannon.967 John Shannon

      Did Feminista Jones put you up to writing this BS of an "opinion"???? Judging by the craziness she's currently into , like Unlawfully releasing Personal and Sensitive documents of Former Friends out of Spite and Get-Back, I think Miss Jones doesn't want any more shade coming her direction……..

      You, Miss Taylor, are just Trolling to Troll and say you "stuck it to a Delusional Black Man" which probably makes sense in whatever world that Isn't Reality you reside in. Grow Up and Get Over Yourself, because if a Woman, especially a Black Woman wrote this instead your tune would be Vastly Different…

    • Obvious

      Has anyone ever noticed that black women have no problem with preference as long as its theirs?

      I wonder if you have such strong feelings when black women proclaim they don’t date men their height or shorter? Dark skin black women will forever be at a disadvantage in relationships until the REALIZE and CHANGE the fact that their misfortune is almost always due to their behavior and not because of how they look.

    • Dr. J

      "First you create a website called The Single Black Male, and thus hoards of black women flock to it and become loyal readers because they want to understand the black male psyche. What they get instead is yet another helping of "I love me some light skinned and Hispanic women."

      You'll only see it that way if you read it that way. You'll never find any example of anyone ever saying that. I'm sure you can go find some text from an article written by myself or another writer and declare, "I know what you said, but this is what you meant."

      "I remember reading an article posted by Dr. J some time ago where you said you would no longer write about relationships because you clearly had gotten your feelings hurt one too many times by a gang of black women who weren't jumping on your "I love Hispanic women bandwagon."

      I stopped writing about relationships because I wasn't having any problems in my dating life. I meet women and date them without really struggling. I was tired of writing about something that wasn't really relevant to me. I got tired of defending myself against people who were struggling and being told I was wrong. That made no sense because again, I don't have any problems with relationships.

      "I should note I have all but given up on black men, I come to this site because it provides me with content I use in articles I write encouraging black women to maven on from black men."

      In the words of the honorable and wise Jesus Shuttlesworth, "Good riddance." Any Black woman who has decided to give up on Black men is never going to get a complaint from me. She's more than welcome to do that. Why the hell would I want to date a woman who has given up on me?

      I love when a Black women says something as nonsensical as you just said about giving up on Black men. I guess that makes you part of the "solution" not the problem now, right?

      Smh.

    • The Guy

      Some women need to take some accountability for their own self esteem or lack thereof. This comment basically says….

      - SBM posts material that keeps dark skinned women down
      - All black men have a preference for light skinned women and it sucks
      - If you don't like dark skinned women you're an ass
      - I write about why people should not date black men, and SBM helps me feel validated in a theory that I've subconsciously been hoping that one day I will be proven wrong about

      You're a lame, stop waiting around to be cosigned by some man who you don't even know. Get a gym membership a puppy and go to church…I'm sure you'll stop being so angry at the world after that.

    • Hairbear_FLL

      I'm confused…. Where in this article does it say anything about race or light-skinned women? Why do people immediately jump on this so-called "brown-skinned women sorrows" bandwagon?

      I'd say if you read this article and immediately jumped to race and or skin tone, then that is your personal issue and most likely does not reflect the intent of this author. Overall I agree. Stop worrying about others and focus on yourself. People that tend to constantly nitpick about others are likely just not entirely happy with themselves. Just my thought.

      Charge it to the head and not the heart. This blog is meant to be taken lightly and for entertainment.

  • Niesha S

    <div id="idc-comment-msg-div-707572020" class="idc-message"><a class="idc-close" title="Click to Close Message" href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(707572020)"><span>Close Message</span> Comment posted. <p class="idc-nomargin"><a class="idc-share-facebook" target="_new" href="http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http%3A%2F%2 Fwww.singleblackmale.org%2F2013%2F08%2F23%2Fhow-to-respond-to-people-who-hate-on-your-relationship%2F#IDComment707572020&t=I%20just%20commented%20on%20How%20To%20Respond%20To%20People%20Who%20Hate%20On%20Your%20Relationship%20-%20SBM" style="text-decoration: none;"><span class="idc-share-inner"><span>Share on Facebook</span></span> or <a href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(707572020)">Close MessageI try not to take anything I read on the internet too seriously. It's not that deep really. I couldn't care less who Kevin Hart dates. Nicca don't pay none of my bills! LOL

  • http://twitter.com/K_tenKS @K_tenKS

    It doesn't matter what the two people in a relationship look like, how much money they have (or don't have) if they are celebrities, regular folk, etc. There are always going to be haters.

    There's a difference between being concerned about the person your buddy is dating, (if they are a gold digger, or just wanna hit it and quit it) and just simply plain ol hatin' (looks and having a "type"). If the person isn't even your buddy and you're hating on their relationship, then that's EXTRA sad. Kevin Hart said it: "…you’re putting time and energy into somebody else’s happiness." You'll be surprised how much better you'll feel if you focus on YOURSELF.

    When I was in college I dated a guy whose friends HATED me. I had no idea why! All I wanted was for us all to be friends. When I came around them they'd totally ignore me but would talk $h!+ to my bf once I was gone. So right as we were breaking up I confronted the main one of his friends on why he was throwing shade and he had no answer for me. It's the same way with most ppl that hate on your relationship. It's with them, not you.

  • Paul B.

    You summed it up pretty well, Dr. J. My choice is my choice, that’s all I control. Somebody doesn’t like my choice? Oh well, I wasn’t looking for their approval to begin with, so their disapproval will not matter either. Since I’m responsible for the outcome of my choice, my opinion is the final say about what I choose. I’m choosing to pursue my happiness; they can choose to sit there and criticize (from their feelings, I might add), but it’s not changing a thing…for me or for them.

    I would say they will be alright, but I really don’t care one way or another. Their happiness or lack of it isn’t my responsibility, and if they base their happiness off of being able to control the choices of others, they deserve to be unhappy.

  • cynicaloptmst81

    First, be prepared to deal with all consequences of your actions, good and bad. You can't flaunt your rela with the new gf you acquired while you were still married, then get mad about the fact that it kinda makes you look bad, lol.

    Second, it took me a while to figure out how I wanted to respond to the subtopic. I'll simply say that no one cares about rejection until someone they like is rejecting them. I call bs on any male who thinks that the woman of their dreams (or simply a woman they really want or find extremely attractive) calling him ugly/unattractive/undesireable wouldn't make him feel some kind of way. Unless you're a robot, your feelings would be hurt to a degree…you'd feel it. No one should be made to feel bad for being human. Everyone wants to feel desired by someone they're attracted too. Repeatedly feeling the sting of rejection does something to you. Maybe men are built to deal with this better than women but I'm not even sure if that's entirely true. I think we just react to it differently. You can prefer what you prefer and not make people feel like crap in the process…it's possible.

    • dmcmillian72

      Yeeeaaahhh… ALL OF THIS! *le sigh*

  • Teflon Mom

    Awww, long time Dr.J – looks like you're still around and writing. And STILL pushing people's buttons, lol.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      TEF!!!!!!!!!

      • Teflon Mom

        What’s up?! I know it’s been a long time my kids turn 3 this winter.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          WOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!! 3???????????

          Time flies!!!! LOL

        • Dr. J

          What up Tef?!

        • Teflon Mom

          Working, keeping a home, chasing my damn kids, lol. They are a handful. It's been so long since I've been around I thought I'd be reading posts about your kids! The site looks great.

  • http://www.opinionatedmale.com cortonio

    The best response is no response, at the end of the day the same people who talk shyt about your relationship are wither bitter and lonely, jealous, or have an abundance of cats and dogs. LoL

  • langwichartz

    In response to the article: Let haters do their job. Now to the comment of the day: WTH?!! *drops mic*

  • http://www.OpinionatedMale.com Mr SoBo

    It should be generally understood by now that no matter what you do in life, no matter what you choose, there will be individuals who will disagree, undermine, sabotage and speak negatively about you. Relationships are no exception. I don't believe anyone should be concerned about what the haters say. Let them hate. Fcuk em. Just continue to build your relationship and be the best boyfriend/girlfriend you can be to your partner. They have no power in your life unless you give them power. Ignore them and know that the sun will shine tomorrow, and the world will still turn, and they will still be miserable sacks of pathetic shyt.
    If anything, give them something more to hate about…get married.

    Mr. SoBo
    OpinionatedMale.com

    My recent post If Women Need To Know Just Ask (Pt 2): 10 Questions Women Ask Men

  • http://whatyouallow.com/ Wildflower

    My response to that picture: bands will make her dance lol.
    My recent post Girls Just Wanna Have Fun- College Style