Why Women Seem To Date With An Agenda

Black-woman-thinking
It all starts yes with AGE. Its not something that I as female can deny. With all the available anti-aging products in the market, there is no denying youth is in, getting old is out. You age, you wrinkle (it’s like having your outer packaging becoming damaged, and who doesn’t want shiny goods), and you become barren, and the last point matters a lot whether you want a kid or not.

I’m part of the group who isn’t fond of the idea of having kids, but supposing we actually date just for fun, while having sex and taking all the precautions, you get me pregnant. Where does that leave me? As a woman its not just fun and games because in the end its the woman alone who has to deal with the aftermath. If I decide to get an abortion I have to do it quietly – societal norms and all that, deal with issues of legality, and to some extent a healthy helping of guilt and justifying to oneself that it is for the best.

In the off chance I decide to keep it, my life is suddenly over. No more shopping, spa sessions, luxury buffets and random trips to the mall. I have to start saving because suddenly I have to buy baby shit stuff and for someone so small, these items are very expensive. I’ve become a god mother to the baby of my neighbor and the last thing I bought that kid was a pillow comforter set that passes my standards was already P2,000! Just as expensive as the comforter set for myself.

Because of all this women empowerment shizzle relating to female independence and what not, I would have to deal all of this on my own primarily. The guy’s support is only secondary, if you can count on any. While all this is happening, the guy in such a casual dating encounter walks scot free, claim the girl is too much gaming/clingy/issue-carrying and move on and have sex with another.

Hey if I can’t get pregnant too I would do the exact same thing, maybe even better! I have a car, money on hand, good education, and enough macho shit to make a pass at a girl and get laid, then move on.

Sadly, I have a uterus and that changes everything.

Is there a certain sense of desperation when dating? Perhaps.

Its not a because of the lack of guys. Believe me, I’ve had free dinner dates from seven different guys in the span of April to July. I start partying and every party I’ve gone to so far I’ve always had at least one guy make a pass at me. As a girl, who had an 8-10 pm curfew before this year, who was always called ugly by her own mother, and knows her strength is not with her looks but with her brains – if I can get this much attention, I’m sure the prettier or petite ones out there can do so much better.
But the thing is, sometimes you think that the pool is so limited. Out of the seven guys I genuinely liked only two of them. One a placed in a pedestal that I don’t even enjoy the fact that he was actually there having dinner and coffee with me, the other one, I totally can’t read. The rest went on to the reject pile.

Why did they end up in that pile? (and this is where guys say that women have an agenda)?

1. They are “unstable”. Supposing they just want to play around, I would like to have a guy with means, with education to get a good job, at the very least because I still would have to deal with them when the things go ape shit – like preggo; I’m not talking about marriage here, just co-parenting.

2. No Looks. Men objectify women all the time, so all is fair in love and war. I think even when men talk they are nicer they just compare boobs, legs, bed technique, crazy or not crazy and that’s it. With gal pals omg the criticisms start, I actually don’t know where to start – “He looks good but he dresses badly”, “He has tattoos! was he your former legal aid client?”, “He looks like a terrorist”, “OMG he looks totally sleazy”, “Ugh and when he sweats and his shirt plasters all over his fat, eww!”

3. There’s a checklist that they have to actually match, which they don’t -do we like the same things, can we have a conversation without boring me to tears, or without fighting because if you stress me out you’re getting blocked faster than you can say I’m sorry, etc – very specific. For men it’s a girl who can live with him, feed him, and have sex, which is pretty generic.

4. They creep you out. Men complain of women having clingy behaviors all the time, but where is the stereotype where men do the exact same thing but scarier because you know that they can use physical force to hurt you, even if they haven’t done so yet.
So in the end women’s checklist are very much more complicated. I’m pretty sure it makes the guy’s head hurt. If we finally meet someone who actually matches the checklist and you actually like,its like a “Eureka!” moment, and think this guy is either, a) not so bad, b) not bad at all, c) he really is a damn catch.

Oh and there’s the age thing, so most women wouldn’t like to play around for so long because they’ve also reached the time they want to settle down. In the same messed up way, if a guy doesn’t want to and she does, the guy gets dumped too or vice versa.

[Originally published on ThoughtCatalog]

From Our Partners

  • http://whatyouallow.com/ Wildflower

    I think everyone dates with an agenda subconsciously.
    My recent post Sleeping With The Enemy

    • http://twitter.com/jtSolBroSupreme @jtSolBroSupreme

      I agree, Wildflower…WE ALL have an agenda, whatever that agenda may be. LOL.

    • Smilez_920

      Totally agree @Sunflower everyone dates with an agenda. The issues come in when you meet someone who doesn’t have the same agenda as you.

  • Sheisavirgo

    OMG!! This is so on point! Why should our strategic moves be considered negative or less than a guys strategic moves? For him it’s the female anatomy ….tits and a$$, and oral skills…..maybe domestic if they make it that far. But realistically , (if you’re lucky) who makes it that far to show off their domestic skills with the way relationships dip out these days?

  • SMilez_920

    lol sorry @Wildflower that's what I meant to put

    • http://whatyouallow.com/ Wildflower

      Haha. I was about to get on you for that.

  • Smilez_920

    Men date with agendas they just date use the same agenda with every woman they “date”. I think once some women put their mind on a certain agenda (for example a serious relationship) every man she date from that point forward she’s dating based on that agenda. Everybody dates with agendas, “just f**k, I don’t want anything serious, I would like a partner, and I’m ready to settle are all agendas”

    I completely agree with number 1. I don’t care how “casual” our situation is I still want to deal with someone who is mature and stable enough to deal with any “consequences” that may occur.

  • FlyyLibrarian

    Did she say, "He has tattoos!"?? Lord, I thought I was particular. I've dated white collar dudes with sleeves, chest and back tattoos. As long as they don't look like they've been done with a bic pen and a lighter in jail, or located on their hands or tattoos, you could be missing out on a quality dude. Just no vacations in Marthas Vineyard for him….oh well.

  • FlyyLibrarian

    *Or neck

  • Peter Parker

    Single professional black male here and I can gladly say I have been dating within the past few months with an agenda. When you get to a certain age and a level of maturity, no one really has time to waste. I know what I am looking for and if you aren't on the same page, I will holla at you later. I ask women though, be upfront with these dudes out here. If you not interested in something serious say that. No hard feelings and fellas you should do the same.

  • Amicus

    Eh, I found this post to be a little incoherent. And in the end I'm not entirely sure I understand the author's point. Do people date with agendas? Yes, of course. If they didn't have a purpose in dating, they probably wouldn't do it.

    Also —-> am I the only one who found the author's line of thinking devastating? I was like T.T when I read:

    "Hey if I can’t get pregnant too I would do the exact same thing, maybe even better! I have a car, money on hand, good education, and enough macho shit to make a pass at a girl and get laid, then move on.
    Sadly, I have a uterus and that changes everything."

    She starts off saying it's all about age, and I have to say that I totally agree with her. She is obviously young, and IMO she is a shining example of why youth isn't all it's cracked up to be, especially when it comes to dating. #inwiththeold
    My recent post Proverbs 31: A Life Worth Living?

  • http://twelvepointbuck.tumblr.com/ 12 Point Buck

    "but supposing we actually date just for fun, while having sex and taking all the precautions"

    Thats the problem right there. Who told chicks to go out and have sex for fun? Scandal? Nicki Minaj? Their mom (it certainly wasnt their dad!)?

    Its like the concept of reproduction is an inconvenient by product of the act itself. Not to mention chicks catch STI/STDs at twice the rate of men due to their receptive anatomy. And for men, there's no physical ramifications of impregnation. But for women, there is.

    By that logic, shouldn't women be way more hesitant to have sex?

    Now, I'm not mad at all these chicks running around having sex for funsies. For guys that means WE get to have even more sex for fun. More than we were able to in the past, and for much less effort. Yes, today is the age of the Ho, masquerading as a form of physical liberation.

    Whenever I hear the sentiment (implied or otherwise) that "Women are equal to men, so they should go have sex like the men do…"

    …I laugh so hard I bust a nut.

    • http://Singleblackmale.com MR 2 CENTS ($0.02)

      Lmao @12 point buck

  • High_Five_Ghost

    I date recklessly. That is to say, I take almost no agenda going into and while in the dating process. I admit that I have the luxury of not having a bio-clock. That being said, I just let things go as they’ll go. The agenda doesn’t start until I realize that I actually like the person. Some advantages to this approach are…

    1.I (sans agenda) can be waaaay more relaxed during the dating process
    2.I remain open to what this particular relationship could be, even if it isn’t romantic or sexual
    3.She gets multiple chances on things that I would consider, “red flags”

  • langwichartz

    People are free to have agendas, however I will say that explicit/stated agendas can be costly. We have gotten so caught up and plans/agendas, that we have forgotten how to let life simply happen sometimes. It's okay to want to be married in 5 yrs, but if you really find a good person, yet they don't meet your 5 year plan, is that really grounds to quit? We have to relearn how to alter out plans and agendas because one thing we have to realize: Our plan and GOD's plan never are the same! ONE!!!!

  • kpmgman47

    I think she simplified men way to much we have standards. that’s we don’t commit to just any woman we meet or is nice to us. I have been out 6 times this summer and 3 times it was a desert just sand and no beach.

  • http://www.invillas.com Lovely Villas Italy

    It is because Women always free that's why they always seems to date with an agenda.

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