Men: Want to Lose Your Woman to Columbus Elba? Do These Things.

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things men should not do in a relationship

Keep not fulfilling her needs, homie. Keep not fulfilling her needs…

I came across this gem by Renita Bryant on things men should not do in a relationship over at Paul Carrick Brunson’s website. I find that a lot of the “Fellas, Listen Up” articles fall flat. But this one hits the mark:

It is unfair to break a woman’s heart by mismanaging her expectations.

In the wise and prophetic words of Isaiah Washington’s character in Love Jones, “Falling in love ain’t sh**! Can someone tell me how to stay in love?” In a single lifetime, the average person will experience more failed relationships than successful ones. I’ve watched and endured the roller coaster of dating long enough to see where both men and women tend to get it wrong. Usually, it’s somewhere between the hellos and goodbyes but maybe I’m stating the obvious.

Buried comfortably within the walls of every ‘relationship’ are unwritten rules. Rules born from expectations (blog to come) that while never discussed, are assumed and fully embraced. The disappointment created when those rules are broken results in detached, defeated, and doubtful women. Women that slowly slip away without her guy ever truly understanding what happened. If you can’t figure out why your woman considers leaving, has already left, or just placed one foot on the other side of the proverbial door, this blog is for you.

Guys, here are a few simple ways to find yourself on the wrong side of a love song:

Do the exact opposite of what she asks

As women, we tend to be very specific unless it benefits us to be vague. If we give you a roadmap to our wants/needs and you decide to take a detour or dismiss what we’ve requested altogether, you’ve demonstrated a total disregard for our feelings and our role in your life. If you can’t figure out how to show her more affection (holding hands, rubs on the back, pecks on the cheek, etc) or take her out for dinner at least once a week after she’s asked several times, you may as well pack your bags. Don’t be surprised when someone uses the map you discarded to lead them straight to her heart.

Leave her empty

While the whole love tank thing may be a bit overexposed at this point, it’s still a subtle analogy supporting a powerful point. A woman wants to be nurtured, cared for, and cared about by her man. Honestly, we prefer receiving daily displays of adoration but settle for less for a fear of disappointment. If you wonder why your woman has a faraway look in her eyes, or possibly another man’s number on speed dial, it’s most likely because you never thought to give her a refill.

Discourage her dreams

No one wants to battle the world by day and their significant other at night. There are enough naysayers in her inner and outer circle discouraging dreams and challenging hopes without the addition of her most trusted confidante. A woman needs a man that hears her hopes and wants to support her while she pursues her passion. Women can sense when a man feels challenged by her success. However, more women are deciding to lose the man instead of letting go of their dreams. Don’t find yourself watching her success from a distance.

Make her a “choice” vs. a “priority”

The quote, “Never make someone a priority that makes you a choice” is pure gold. As women we commonly fall into the trap of doting over men that rarely give us a second thought or a sideways glance. We fight with our families, sacrifice friendships, and lose sleep over men that consistently ignore our needs, hurt our hearts and handicap our dreams. If you want to keep your woman, you have to give her the loving care she gives you or she’ll one day choose to exit your life for good.

Make the truth optional

‘Lies don’t ruin relationships, the truth does.’ Being honest and forthright should be a given however, I’ve heard guys admit to lying in an effort to spare the woman’s feelings or to avoid an apparent argument. Hopefully guys will one day understand that once a lie is exposed, a woman becomes disappointed in you for the truth you tried to hide and the lie you used to cover it up. Regardless of how bad you think it might be, honesty is the best policy. Respect her enough to trust her with your truth or suffer as you watch her walk away.

Read the rest over at PaulCBrunson.com

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  • http://twelvepointbuck.tumblr.com/ 12 Point Buck

    So, to sum up:

    -Do what she says
    -Shower her with attention
    -Gas her up
    -Put her on a pedestal
    -Snitch on yourself

    These are clearly instructions on how to be a pushover. Follow this advice at your own risk– when she loses respect and attraction for you, she'll be even MORE likely to sleep with Dwayne Kodjoe.

    Fellas, don't take fishing lessons from a fish….

    "How to Catch Fish"
    by: Flounder F. Mackerel

    1) Get a bunch of worms
    2) Throw some worms into the water
    3) Wait for the fish to choke on them (if fish don't choke, throw more worms)
    4) Collect dead fish

    • Adonis

      @12 pt buck

      Agreed.

      Love Paul. But this is America, big city, horny azz women. Women who are short-term daters & future spinsters.

      Side pieces & dusty baby mothers in the making.

      Gotta lay the pimp hand down. No getting around it.

      • http://Singleblackmale.com MR 2 CENTS ($0.02)

        Lol I agree with @12 point buck & @adonis 100% percent . I know the truth when I read/hear it!!

      • Obvious

        Paul Brunson always struck me as the type of dude who has to check in with his woman before making a decision. BETA, half Way simpish type of guy.

  • BKCarib

    In my short years I've noticed that women say they want these qualities but then dismiss these same men. THEN after a bit of back and forth they amend their list by saying she wants this in addition to the bad boy stuff AND/OR they want this kind of man for when their ready for a long term relationship/marriage. Then men say women want every thing or don't know what they want then women say men aren't trying hard enough yadda yadda yadda man calls woman bitter, woman calls man gay and/or self hating black man yadda yadda…rinse and repeat.

    -sigh-

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

    This sounds good in theory…but none of those reasons are the reasons women leave, keeping it 100 women tend to take Ls on everything listed. Women shelve their dreams for "love" everyday, they accept apologies for lies and believe empty promises…honestly women stay in unhappy relationships until he cheats or SHE finds better
    My recent post Today’s Word is… REPRESENT

    • SMilez_920

      Give the women some credit. I think we all want these things, but life happens and we end up in the situations above because.

      1)We don’t feel worthy
      2)Were not ready for what were asking for
      3)We don’t like (attracted) to the package it came in (which is human )

      I think once a woman gets her mind right, you will have to do the things in the post in order to keep her around. I also think a man can do all of the things above without being a pushover. I also think a man can do this for a woman and she may still leave because he just isn’t the one for her. I’m sure a few men on her have been with a woman that had all the great qualities he was looking for, but there was just something missing.

    • Bree

      This is the cold hard truth for many Trist. Cosign.

    • Bree

      1 thing I will add to that is, from what people tell me, in the beginning everyting is perfect and lovely and amazing. Then once the person "has you" they do a complete 360 and change up. Which I don't think happens most of the time at all and I think people changing to the total opposite of what the represent is bs. I think some men and women run game and do what they have to do to get that person. Once they have them and don't feel like they're going anywhere, then they reveal their true selves.
      If a man is any or all of those things imo that says he is selfish as hell and cares nothing about that woman except for what she can do for him. He's probably with her for selfish reasons. So I wonder how a woman cannot see the signs of this selfishness, and why she would choose to be with this type of man in the first place. Unless, she is with him for materialistic and shallow reasons herself.

      • http://blog.californiapsychics.com Aquarious

        Thank you thank you thank you. This is a great list. One thing though, what about freedom? Men say that they don’t like women who keep tabs on them, and they don’t want to be nagged about the things that their partners think they ought to be doing.

        Here is another good list of things men want in a relationship: http://blog.californiapsychics.com/blog/2013/12/5
        My recent post Your Guide to a Fresh Start in 2014

    • GirlSixx

      #Facts…

    • amaris79

      Nowhere did it say it was to keep her from "leaving", it was to keep her from getting swept away by #Charles. So, technically..you are correct.

      "Don’t be surprised when someone uses the map you discarded to lead them straight to her heart."

      My recent post Marriage Isn't For You

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

        #charles only wins in movies, in reality he just chilling in that friendzone

  • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net Anthony Brian Logan

    Women say they want these type of things then go for the exact opposite when it comes to reality.
    My recent post VIDEO – THE TRUE HISTORY OF SLAVERY

    • Smielz-920

      In reality the men that have all of those qualities aren’t always visible, available or interested so people take the next best thing. So they pick someone with the best 2/3 out 5.

      • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net Anthony Brian Logan

        if what you say is true then that woman shouldnt threaten to leave him because he is not like the man that she actually want. love who you with.
        My recent post VIDEO – THE TRUE HISTORY OF SLAVERY

        • SMielz_920

          In a perfect world that would work. But people are'nt perfect and sometimes you mess with people who lack certain qualities because you don’t feel good about yourself.

          It’s like, let’s say there’s a job you want but you don’t feel qualified or you know your qualified but you don't think you will be selected, you may apply to something else that isn’t quite what you want to play it safe, even if you can do better.

        • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net Anthony Brian Logan

          this explanation is different than your original. first it was basically "we select lesser men because the ones we want are not visible, available or interested" now you say "sometimes you mess with people who lack certain qualities because you don't feel good about yourself" … which is it? and why u cant just accept that nobody is perfect and that whoever u select will be inherently flawed?

    • Bree

      Anthony Brian Logan, Both Men & Women "say they want these type of things then go for the exact opposite when it comes to reality."

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    "As women, we tend to be very specific unless it benefits us to be vague."

    I almost spit my coffee on my screen and keyboard after I read that. It must be a benefit to be vague 80-90% of the time then.

  • G C

    I stopped reading after "As women we tend to be very specific…"
    Yeah, right. Discredited the rest of the post in my eyes.

  • amaris79

    I see the Bitter Brians have been busy. Jeesh.

    You DO realize that post is on people already IN a relationship, and that the majority of you upthread are complaining about women that won't DATE you…right? If she has "dismissed" you because you are "all these things and more" (suuuuuuure.) than this post ISN'T for you or about you. Moving along.

    If I recall any relationship of mine that ended, it was because of a combination of two or more things on this list. Cheating isn't a complete deal-breaker for me, but draining me dry emotionally absolutely is. I can't be the only person IN my relationship, and I'm not going to "weekend at bernie's" it just for the sake of having a body in my bed.

    • Hairbear_FLL

      LMAO @ Bitter Brians! Yeah, people read what they want to

    • Southerngyrl_

      Girl, I didn't even bother to post because of the bitterness, but cosign your comment.

  • sunnydelyte21

    Reading thru these comments are amazing. Yes we all have standard/qualities. Every women wants this or that but go for this. Men are just as guilty. Men what a girl that is about this and that, but let a big booty girl walk by and she has his attention.

    I've dated a guy who wanted a women who took care of herself, home and etc. Which I did, but then he told me we are going to get married but I'm not ready for what you have to offer.

    Needless to say I'm single.

    I beleive honesty even when it hurts is the best policy, and like this article said when we find out your lying it because of a problem.

    I don't want a weak man, but I want a man who isn't afraid to be who he is while showing the right amount of attention. I also would like to be a priority just as I would make sure you (my man) are one of mines.
    My recent post Ask Amy Juicebox

    • Ali

      Women settle after 30 n that’s y they like the beta male poster. Women from 18-27 will sleep around with badboys, jerks. From 18-27 women will look at Brunson as a nice beta male they wouldn’t touch with a stick. After 30 when women realize they can’t compete with younger women they settle for guys like Brunson. Women will never take responsibility even if they r wrong

      • http://twelvepointbuck.tumblr.com/ 12 Point Buck

        Pretty much. But this is a good thing because its so predictable. Recognize the pattern, then take advantage of it.

        Yes, I'm very happy with the way things are.

      • Lucy

        Why some of you hating on Paul? It's kind of funny and sad to hear a guy go in on another guy. Like…why? Just so you know, that gives Paul way more shine and points. He must have something you lack that you are aware of.

        True Alpha males and females are not concerned with determining that others within their sex are "Beta".

        Some of your comments are alarming. When/If you do marry, your daughters will have to hear that will have to hear, or just feel if no words are spoken that you feel this way about the way that she is or will be.

        You are playing yourself if you believe any of the generalizations you posted in your comment.

        • Obvious

          True Alpha males and females are not concerned with determining that others within their sex are “Beta”.

          Of course not, but like recognize like. And being that I am as dominant , anti feminist and pro man as one can get, Paul is unfamiliar.

          Some of your comments are alarming. When/If you do marry, your daughters will have to hear that will have to hear, or just feel if no words are spoken that you feel this way about the way that she is or will be.

          My daughter will know the truth about women as I take her through a tour of how women end up being single mothers and 30 plus still waitin on Jesus to send them a husband. I will diligently point her the common characteristics of such women: the men they chose, pattern behaviors and actually believing that a mediocre comedian is a love guru, just stiff like that.

        • Southerngyrl_

          I am giving you some serious advice. You can't control that mess. You think every teen Mom came from the same situation? I am sure a lot of them heard the same spiel you claim you will give your daughter.

          Also, often time kids will go out an do the exact opposite of what their parents teach, so be careful with all of that. The thing you try to drive her away from could end up right in your house. SMH. The delusions.

        • http://twelvepointbuck.tumblr.com/ 12 Point Buck

          This is true. Thats why I'm not that concerned about the success or failure of my kids. If they become awesome, so be it. If not, too bad. The propagation of my genes by myself is the important thing. If my daughter is a ho, it wont hurt my feelings. And if my son is a monk, I wont be ashamed. lol

          I need to be like Genghis. Have like a thousand babies. All my DNA spread all over the world. Thats the mark of a true boss.

          Only the kids that impress me the most will get my money tho.

        • Southerngyrl_

          Genghis Khan? Find better heroes. As for your last point, I suggest you get a trustworthy executor.

        • http://twelvepointbuck.tumblr.com/ 12 Point Buck

          Nah, I'm fine with Khan as my hero. He gave NO fukcs other than the ones he gave to the wives and daughters of the men his armies slayed. The Mongol empire was virtually unbeatable.

          I'd rather be like G. Khan than MLK.

          I wont need an executor. My money will be in bitcoins. You gotta stop living in the past.

        • Southerngyrl_

          I should stop living in the past? Didn't you just talk about your love of Genghis Khan?

          You are talking about a dude who was basically a warlord and lived centuries ago. Lofty. LOL. Keep dreaming though.

        • http://twelvepointbuck.tumblr.com/ 12 Point Buck

          Yes! We need MORE warlords.

          Genghis Khan is still very much alive. pretty much the entire continent of Asia and large swathes of Europe carry his genes. He was winning even back then and still winning today.

          Even the great poet and modern philosopher Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr. said "I wish i could fukk every girl in the world."

          Khan was ahead of his time!

  • http://www.opinionatedmale.com cortonio

    Bottom line just be yourself period. If your woman falls for another dude that's a choice she made and there's nothing you can do about it. I don't care if you have a 10" penis made of steel, a six figure salary, and being a nice guy at some point thoughts of another guy will creep in her head, now whether she chooses to act on it that's another story. If you did things to cause her to stray that's your fault, but if you did everything 'right', there's little you can do. There's always someone for you just not her. period.
    My recent post Did I Do That? 10 Things Men Say After Bad Sex

  • bellatrice1

    Women DO want all the things in the post from her MAN, but the list is not exhaustive. Sadly though, men (for fear of being a pushover (men above)) won't give it and end up losing. I have never met or heard of so many men who AFRAID to put all their cards on the table. To be transparent, to be vulnerable, even if things don't turn out the way they wanted in the end. Where are THOSE men?

    "Weak-whiny-macho- I don't pay for dates-I don't call the next day-selfish-emotionally crippled-lame" men disgust me and deserve to be single. The man who does the above is not a pushover, he is a MAN.

    • Obvious

      The man who does the above is not a pushover, he is a MAN.

      Yet these are the ones usually single

      • bellatrice1

        "Weak-whiny-macho- I don't pay for dates-I don't call the next day-selfish-emotionally crippled-lame" men disgust me and deserve to be single"

        This ^^^^ is probably you.

        • Obvious

          Actually I’m VERY married.
          And I always pay, I believe in tradition. Nice try though

        • Southerngyrl_

          You're married?

          LOL

    • Southerngyrl_

      Girl, your words are wasted on these…

      • bellatrice1

        I know…I don't even know why I bother smh

      • Obvious

        I am giving you some serious advice. You can’t control that mess. You think every teen Mom came from the same situation? I am sure a lot of them heard the same spiel you claim you will give your daughter.

        We both know this is an untruth. Most single moms did not have a father who gave a damn. And I doubt my daughter will do the opposite of my advice, she even noted how I am ALWAYS right. After seeing a limitless number of single mothers sitting in church depressed and distraught clinging to any piece of hope, I’m certain she got the message.

        With very few exceptions, the story of a single black mother is she found a dude with swag, who was cool lookin and talkin, she was one of his many jumpoffs hoping that one day he would choose her. She gets pregnant and he is in and out. Single mom continues same routine and around 28 to 30 she becomes celibate and claims its for religious reasons but we all know it’s her pathetic attempt to make a man Marry or commit to her sooner.

        Now of course you will deny it, but in your heart of hearts , you know my words are the template of the majority of single mothers.

        Birth control, morning after pill and condoms ensure that people do not get pregnant by accident.

        • Southerngyrl_

          You don't know what your daughter will do. No inkling at all. You think because she's your daughter she will somehow be different from all the other women who became single moms. She's not different. I promise you. She noted how you were always right???? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA. Poor you. Poor poor guy. Your daughter is a regular, flesh and blood girl. I don't care how smart she is or how "moral". I have seen it happen to honor students, preacher's kids, valedictorians, etc etc. And those in that list came from 2 parent homes.

          I hope that she doesn't end up being a single Mom, but with your views on this site, you may not be able to take it. You are seriously deluded. It is pretty sad. You have all this foolishness to say about black women but neglect the role of black men in the whole ordeal. Weren't most black women left by black men? Weren't black men the ones who abandoned the black single moms and their own kids? I guess that doesn't matter because the men don't come into the equation right? You are a sad, sad person.

  • ThatDaDivA

    Bitter Brian’s, LOL!!!

    Yeah, I’m confused by the Paul Brunson bashing, the guy is married young with 2 kids, supportive bestie friend wife, gives advice that supports the brothers while giving sisters a dose of reality, been on Oprah, tons of followers…..but y’all DON’T wanna end up like him??? Mad confused here!!!

    If the worse thing you gotta do in your short black lives is “check in” with your loving supportive non-gold digger non-hoodrat non-baby mama wife thennnnnn…..!

    Y’all got some problems on here and a very f**ked up sense of reality!

    • http://twelvepointbuck.tumblr.com/ 12 Point Buck

      married with kids is something to aspire to? sounds like cultural indoctrination to me.

      Should me and my one wife attend PTA meetings, and buy an SUV to take my kids to soccer practice too? heh

      Put money in a college fund for them? lol

      maybe work for 30 or 40 years while saving for retirement? bwaahahahha

      i swear, some of y'all have drank so much of the western koolaid you've forgotten what water from the Mountains of the Moon tastes like.

  • langwichartz

    This is never going to work until someone can approach this subject from the standpoint of what both genders can do better in the same post, article, book, etc. These one-sided attempts to educate the sexes only help to heighten the war of the sexes and keep the gap of understanding open.

  • http://loveklinicblog.com Ngah Benoit

    Women need care, compassion and affection and if this is not given to them, it is more likely that they will let go of you and move on. Jackson, you made mention of so many great points every man needs to take note of.
    My recent post How To Get Over Your Ex

  • Ali

    Girl age 16: “You’re such a nice guy.”

    Translation: ” I don’t want to hurt your feelings, or come off as a bitch to my friends, but I’m really much more attracted to Bad Boys – outlaw bikers, the football team’s quarterback, basically any guy who appears dangerous and exciting. You’re Nice, nice and mundane”

    Girl age 22: “You’re such a nice guy.”

    Translation: “Thanks for listening on the phone to me cry, fall into verbal hysterics and drone on for hours about my Jerk BF (oh, and my little dog too). You’re really sweet, and deserve a girl (which isn’t me) who can appreciate how nice (i.e. mundane) you are.”

    Girl age 28: “You’re such a nice guy.”

    Translation: “I know you’ve always been (an) my emotional tampon, and thanks for sticking with it – any sane guy would’ve found a far better prospect by now. And while I’m beginning to see that guys like you are stable, dependable and tend to make a lot more money than the Jerks I’ve dated, I think I’m gonna hold out for a hotter guy than you while my looks still hold up”

    Woman age 32: “Why can’t I just find a nice guy?”

    Woman age 35+: “You’re such a nice guy.”

    Translation: “Oh, you’re a Nice Guy,..here, let me suck that for you. See? Being a Nice Guy does get you laid!,..thanks for being there for me when I needed you; my fatherless kids appreciate your generosity too. How chivalrous of you to forgive my past indiscretion and take us in, I wish there were more guys like you. I really pity the women who can’t appreciate your kind of dedication – you are so different from “other guys””.

    • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net Anthony Brian Logan

      on point

      • Just Passing Through

        Ali and Brian…….you may want to have a clock running on this kind of advocacy…
        Southerngyrl and her peers on here are adults so let them roll the dice and
        whatever happens to them….happens.

        Don't let them do a guilt trip on you if you decide not to do volunteer child visitation
        duty….aka "mentoring"….

        Personally I think it is energy better spent on planning on a nice snowboarding
        vacation.

    • Southerngyrl_

      Really? How many times are you going to post this BS.