Should a Man Love a Woman More Than She Loves Him?

  • Share on Tumblr

I was able to catch “The Best Man: Holiday” on opening night with my homegirl. Upon leaving the theater she said something that struck me. Without giving anything away, she was amazed at how a man could love a woman so strongly. She was so amazed that she told me that she thinks a man should love a woman more than a woman should love a man.

To be frank, I think we’ve all heard this before. I know that I have, and I also realized that I never paid it much attention. It was at this moment where I simply thought “no.” This couldn’t possibly be right. Let me tell you why.

I told my friend that I think her philosophy is only shaped by her past experiences.

None of us are strangers to relationships in which we may have given more than the other person. To ever say that one person should love one more than the other only speaks to a paranoia we have. We have a paranoia of not wanting to experience that hurt again. In that mindset, we formulate defensive schemes like this. Either we think of it ourselves, or our elders lend their two cents on the issue. Regardless of the source, this idea comes from a place where maybe too much thinking is going on. Sometimes it does pay to experience new relationships in the moment. Give new experiences a fair chance. It’s the only way to remain fair to your partner.

I told my homegirl that if she asked a happily married couple who loved who more, they wouldn’t have an answer. I know what it is to be in love. At no time while being in love did I have a chance to think if I loved my lady more than she loved me. It was irrelevant. I simply knew I loved and that I loved as hard as I knew how to. For a woman to say that a man should love her more says to me that she’s pulling back.

If you’re pulling back and are still waiting for someone to show more love than you do, it isn’t fair.

Your whole relationship is no longer balanced. I’m no expert, but I don’t think that this philosophy will solve your issue either. You could argue that you’re being just as unfair as the person who may have hurt you in the past.

A slew of wrongs don’t make a right.

To experience full happiness with someone, you have to be vulnerable. Liken it to doing math in school and a professor saying they have to see your work. Showing your work is your vulnerability. And yes we make mistakes. We don’t allow ourselves to grow without recognizing our mistakes and fixing them. It’s important to show your work with your partner. You’ll be better for it as you both will gain a deeper understanding of one another.

I think we all should love freely. All these other constructs fuck up what is meant to be organic. What do you think? Should a man love a woman more than she does him? How about vice versa? Talk to me.

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS 

“Damn He Got A Point” (My Column) on Viral Status

 

  • Share on Tumblr

From Our Partners

  • Carmen

    I don’t want to sound egotistical when I say this and let me remind you this is an opnion and its shared by few. But men will never understand this theory (if you disagree with it). Women naturally love hard , she will repeatedly get hurt and still find strength to be vulnerable to the next. Where men not so much but thats what I love about the nature of men it really does balence out if women find their esteem and not focus on finding a man. I’ve seen both sides of relationships and i’ve been in the ones where I’ve given so much of myself and he’s given so so. It’s whatever but from what I’ve seen my brother , my peers this saying is not far fetch. A man must love a women undoubtfully no matter how much you give to a person generally you cant make them love you or stay but its something about the nature in which a man says ok look I’m done playing I love her…my next relationship will consist of just that!

  • Adonsi

    I don't trust a relationship I am in where, I love the woman more than she loves me.

    And in a country (America) where women have the most freedom relative to other women in other countries (ex. ShitHolelistan), I have to make sure shawty is ride or die.

    In a country where unrequited love from MEN to WOMEN could land you in jail if you act irrationally, you better know the score between you & her.

    Stalking, harassment, rape, the list goes on.

    And in general, in my studies, a functional relationship, no matter how long it lasts, marriage or just F**KING, is where the WOMAN is into the MAN more than vice versa.

    It also helps if the man is more accomplished than the woman. Financially, emotionally, s-xually.

    It is just the way of the world, and won't change in our lifetimes.

    ————-

    And as an extension to this topic, this also give credence that men should be

    Jerk/badboy/azzhole > Being nice & the doting, faithful, fatherly spouse

    Entertain multiple women > Doting over 1 woman.

    Exception to the rule, if you are in the 5-10% of people who have both.

    Good Day

    —–

    Also, Peter Gunz from Love & Hip Hop Season 4, is a great spectacular real life example of this topic. And i am definitely taking notes.

    Even those i know this show is hella scripted to the point of TROLLING. There are real life scenarios that reflect in this show.

  • Mr. SD

    Sometimes inequality makes for a great balance..

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan

    if its even a competition, youve already lost. Love is fearless, love is limitless, you feel the way you feel about someone it shouldnt be reactionary. women love the idea of a man “loving more” because they think he wont hurt them, they are paranoid to give their all to someone unless they know the other person is on the same page, they think that eventually they can learn to love him the same. but If its that conditional, its not love.

  • http://inanimatethoughts.blogspot.com/ Animate

    No. Just no. Like Tristan said, it shouldn’t be a competition.

    Besides, how do you measure things? What is the scale? What gets more love points?

  • Smilez_920

    Umm yes and no. It’s easy for mento say it should be equal , the hold the keys to what direction the actually relationship will go in. I never seen a situation where a woman was crazy about a man who was so/so about her and she won him over. I’ve definitely seen way more situations where a guy was head over heels for a woman , and while she may have been timid or not quite head over heels at the moment, the guy eventually showed her what he could offer and grew on her and the love eventually equaled out( usually once he s*x occurred) .

    I think a lot of women try to get men who will never love them , to be with them. I think the quote ( while it shouldn’t be taken literally ) is just their to remind women that in order for a relationship to progress you have to be with a man that’s really into you, so into you that sometimes it feels like he’s he may like / love you a little more at the moment.

    This quote is more for the beginning stages like courting / dating stages not past that.

    • Animate

      Male perspective responding…I will be speaking in general so I won't be clarifying by using "SOME". We're adults…it's understood.

      Sounds like a fair amount of women don't know what they want. Hear me out. Generally speaking, men know what they want and if you aren't it they won't wait to see what happens. This is how women get set up for the okey doke. Waiting to see if someone grows on them. If a guy is not interested in a woman romantically she gets put in that slot for him. If he continues to see/speak/spend time with her it isn't to see if she grows on him, its for some other multitude of reasons.

      Even in the beginning stages of dating, trying to compare the amount of effort is more detrimental than useful. For every point one side brings up the other can bring an equally valid counter point.
      My recent post The most powerful scene I've ever seen in a video game

    • Furious Styles

      "I think a lot of women try to get men who will never love them , to be with them. I think the quote ( while it shouldn't be taken literally ) is just their to remind women that in order for a relationship to progress you have to be with a man that's really into you, so into you that sometimes it feels like he's he may like / love you a little more at the moment. "

      Not confusing sex with love wouldn't hurt either.

  • frankiedafox

    Usually when we (women) say that a man should love us more means:
    1. He will be less selfish and more selfless
    2. He is happy with the woman we are
    3. He will want stability and harmony in his home
    4. The woman won't have to work so hard to be appreciated

    Let me explain, usually men are very very very selfish (yes some women are very very very selfish as well – but please stop being so damn defensive and just take this in). When a partner is only worried about himself and his wants/needs someone is bound to be hurt. If the woman is not taken into account when decisions are made it seems as though she doesn't matter. Love or not. Take for example: Stevie J and Peter Guns. Their narcissistic approach to relationships never once took into account of how the women in the relationships would feel. Especially PG, where he swears he loves his BM; however, he marries another woman.

    There is no worse form of rejection than being rejected by your father or your "husband." After thirteen years I would consider him a "husband."

    A man who wholeheartedly loves his partner will appreciate her. Appreciation is a big damn deal, and will get a woman wetter than the Caribbean Ocean on most days! If he is happy with the woman we are means he will be satisfied with what he has and not always out for the bigger better deal (80/20 rule). Stability is a very high priority in a woman's life and her mate also wanting that same level of stability is all lat and a bag of chips (ya meen?). All those memes that say something about getting a dope chick and build a dope life with her is pretty much my dream life.

    Pretty much to sum my thoughts up before class; in my thirty-one years of life, I would appreciate being truly loved by a man. Knowing that he loves me with his every fiber and will keep me at the forefront of his decisions. Knowing that he will not leave me if I get fat, if we have a long period of arguments, go broke, or if I get sick he will still be there with and for me is what I'm looking for. I've never experienced that from a partner and I truly hope that one day I will, but I'm going to build my dope life even if I don't.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      Just reading this…and I pretty much said the same thing you said in your last paragraph. The real desire is "being truly loved by a man".

    • Adonis

      @frankiedafox

      Of course, you would feel the way you do. You are 31. The clock is ticking & men are not taking you as seriously as when you were 23. So of course, you are being more practical in your dating habits.

      I just wonder where was this sage approach when it mattered (like 10 years ago).

      Good Day

      • cynicaloptmst81

        Very few people are making wise choices when it comes to dating as a young adult, male or female. As you mature and learn, you adjust your actions, behavior, and perspectives.

        So, it's not even fair to bring this up.

        • Adonis

          @cyn81

          It is fair from the perspective of

          "this is typical from the POV of a 30+ who has seen a lot of paynus, and no marriage licenses."

          She isn't the first woman who has conveniently seen the light, right around 30 (because of dwindling dating options), and won't be the last.

          Now if the 22 year old women come to that realization & make the best of their youth, that is impressive.

          She is desperate, and behind the 8-ball.

        • Sincereluv4life

          @Adonis:

          Why with the insults & negativity?? She said she's building her dope life whether she finds a man or not, maybe I'm missing something but that doesn't sound at all desperate to me. In fact, it sounds quite the opposite. Desperate would be her holding on to a man who doesn't treat her right just so she can say she got a man.

          also since when did 31 become elderly? Meagan Goode is one of the baddest black actresses out there and she just got married last yr at 31 (to a man who was fine & mature enough to respect her values to wait until they got married to shmang). And there are a lot more stories like hers out there, I know some of them personally – they're just not always publicized. Men & women in our generation (20's-30's) are statistically getting married later so lack of a marriage license has nothing to do with a woman in her 30's having less options these days and has a lot more to do with a woman choosing to make sure her education & profession are in order before taking that plunge so that she brings something to the table as well. Lets face it, not too many men are signing up to fully financially support a woman, they want a woman to have her stuff on point as well & sometimes that takes time.

          Back in the day it was economically wise for women to marry early to assure she was provided for and to assure she could birth enough children to help out on the farm lol. That is not the case in 2013. Not every woman places her value & worth on a marriage certificate especially since we no longer need to.

        • h.h.h.

          "Why with the insults & negativity??"

          Adonis periodically suffers from -&gt ;http://naruto.wikia.com/wiki/Curse_of_Hatred

        • payne well

          Don't most people see the light as they age? Which is way being wise is associated with being older? One would argue that until you saw your "light" you didn't "know" any better. It takes experience to mold people and trust if she had that knowledge then it wouldn't guarantee a better outcome because most males that age aren't looking to be committed to one woman.
          My recent post Wait for me: Why waiting for someone to be ready for a relationship is not the business

      • Frankie

        Thanks for your reply. The irony in your reply is that I was in love with a man named ADONIS when I was 23. We met when I was 17 and I joined the Army shortly after we started our whole relationship journey. Neither of us were ready for marriage at the time, but we were still very in love. Since then we have had sex/relationships off and on since 2000 (yeap that's 13 years). One because I was has hoping he would go out and sew his "royal oats" and come back ready – in the back of my mind hoping that we'd get married and live a fairy tale life, two because I feel like I know him and I don't have to learn anyone new, and lastly because I like having sex with him.

        The clock isn't ticking for me, I am actually in medical school and will not be ready for a serious relationship for at least another five years (I have to finish med school, and then finish residency). When I finish school I'll still be young enough to meet, marry, and procreate with whomever I chose. I hope by then you have stopped being so bitter and have met a wonderful woman who is exactly what you prayed for when you were a young boy.

        Thanks ladies for taking up for me. I appreciate it!

        Good day to you too sir.

  • thislagosgirl

    Pulling back isn't always unfair trust me. Sometimes you're just tired of being the fool and you slow down till you find enough strength or conviction to give it your all

  • Uncle Hugh, BP

    Honestly, your homegirl is right, to a degree.

    As the pursuers, we go after what we want. Women get chose, they aren't the choosers, so ultimately the man's love is what drives the relationship. That makes sense: since we are supposed to be the head and women to submit to us (when the relationship gets to that point), our love is the critical factor.

    Even in the Bible*, it states for husbands to love their wives, but doesn't say for the wives to love their husbands. Wives respond to their husband's love. If there is no love by the man, there is nothing for a woman to respond to.

    At the same time, I'm not exactly sure what "loves more" means. It's not like you can say the guy has to love with L=1.532e^x joules more than the woman. The point is that a man's love does more to hold a relationship together than a woman's. Usually, if a woman has accepted your advances and is being treated right, she isn't going anywhere.

    *Yes, I know everyone isn't a Christian, and yes, I know we're not talking about marriage.

    • High_Five_Ghost

      …joules & religion all in one post… SWEET!!!

      Biologically, I’d have to disagree. Women are the choosers. Less gametes, bigger eggs, more energy expended to have and take care of children,..have to do a WHOLE lot less to attract a mate…etc. From this perspective, male love is a human concept that has absolutely no biological implications and if so, can only be seen in the sex that cares for children…idk maybe wolves, they seem to be family oriented.

      Biblically, well….that just gets all kinds of sticky. None of them seemed to have a grasp of biology and therefore philosophized on all sorts of social ish. But they believed in polygamy, soooooo I’m not sure what to take from them.

      “The point is that a man's love does more to hold a relationship together than a woman's.”
      Agreed

      “Usually, if a woman has accepted your advances and is being treated right, she isn't going anywhere.”
      …well, post 35y/o women anyway

      • Uncle Hugh, BP

        High_Five_Ghost: “Usually, if a woman has accepted your advances and is being treated right, she isn't going anywhere.”

        …well, post 35y/o women anyway

        True, but it usually takes all of us some time before we get it together.

        "male love is a human concept that has absolutely no biological implications"

        Can't argue that, but there should come a point where we should be able to supersede our primal urges though.

        "…joules & religion all in one post… SWEET!!!"

        And the constant e! I should have worked i and π in that formula though. I guess when it comes to mathematics, I'm no Leonhard Euler.

  • http://twitter.com/manifesturself @manifesturself

    When it's true love… it doesn't matter how much one person loves the other. You both are in love and would do anything for each other. Period. That's all that matters. If someone can sense that one party is more in love than the other… it can even cause issues/resentment.
    My recent post Holiday Finance 101: Ground Rules

  • cynicaloptmst81

    I've always gotten the premise that a man should love the woman more…and I get Hugh's biblical application of the thought.

    However, although I get it, I do not fully agree. From the biblical perspective, a wise woman won't submit to a man that she does not already love and respect. But, I fully agree that this comes in response to her husband's love.

    Therefore, my thought is that a man should love his woman…period. I think there are different kinds of love but not portions, like "I love you a little bit/a whole lot". You either love the person with a certain type of love (Storge, Philia, Eros, or Agape) or you don't. The man doesn't need to love the woman more, he just needs to truly love her completely, with all 4 types of love. Then, you're cooking with grease!

  • larnelw

    I actually believe that men DO love harder than women. Its one of the reasons why a hurt man becomes some cold hearted to all other women (an article that was discussed here before). While women are more capable of getting hurt and trying over a man puts so much into his love that when its destroyed its almost destroyed for good.

    • cynicaloptmst81

      Does loving harder equate to loving more though? I always looked at loving harder as loving differently…differently from the perspective that men and women have different needs and roles in the relationship. *shrugs*

      • DamnPops

        This was a debate I had with myself this morning actually. I think men and women love very hard. I just think men love less and women love more in regards to how many time we fall in love respectively.

        • payjne well

          I believe Women tend to love quicker and more often than men. However, when a man finally falls, they fall deeper than a woman.
          My recent post Wait for me: Why waiting for someone to be ready for a relationship is not the business

        • cynicaloptmst81

          I actually do believe men love harder than women. But, I don't think it's because he loves the woman more than she loves him. It'd be cool to see a post on that…what does "love hard/harder" actually mean…what it is referring to?

  • The Guy

    As a man you CANNOT, i repeat CANNOT be feeling a woman way more than she is feeling you and expect it to work. You'll end up overextending yourself and eventually lose her. Or if you already have her you'll end up losing your ground as a leader and end up following and be stuck approval seeking. That doesn't work and it also causes women to be bored and frustrated with you. They'll eventually just stop messing with you.

    You have to be a man, and a part of being a man that makes you strong is your indifference to your feelings. Sure you love her and you show it, but don't fall so deep into it that it's borderline female (who are more emotional than men are, and it gives great balance). You have to be able to be a pillar and not a hammock. You can't spend your whole time in a honeymoon mindset, someone has to hold it down. And women fall out of love with a guy who's always bending and swaying.

    This is crazy lol, every guy on here can think about a time when he lost a girl from being too head over heels and not being more laid back and less emo.

    • Sincereluv4life

      lol, it depends on when you pull out the emo. Singing love songs outside a girls window after the first date is a lil' extra. But if a guy has taken the time to get to know a woman and he knows she loves him & wants a relationship with him then he should feel pretty safe to let his emotions out.

      • oh ok…

        ^^^Totally Agree!^^^

    • The Dark Knight

      @ The Guy: You hit the nail square on the head homie and I concur. To add to that, the laid-back & indifferent demeanor that a confident/secure man has in a relationship is EXACTLY what keeps most women interested/in love with him in the long-term and why they fell in love with him in the first place. A man that puts too much effort into a girl can (sadly) have this work against him. Women <30, in general, don't seem to respect a man that really cares about them. This is why the chilled, confident men with swag are cleaning up in the kitty kat department because women instinctively are turned-on by that and can't be happy with less. Those qualities I described are all alpha male traits and we know that via casual observation ALL females (human or animal) want the alpha male. As I've said to my friends before: Love too much and a woman can (and most likely will) lose respect for you. Love a little less (not treat her with disrespect or anything but just lay back and let her feel you) and those heart/drawstrings are yours

  • cynicaloptmst81

    Some of these comments are proof that there are some very hurt people walking around letting fear run their interactions with their man or woman. I've been there. So much so that I'm now fully convinced that going about relationships that way (operating in fear and hurt) is all wrong.

    • The Guy

      It's not about fear, it's about coming from a position of 100% strength and not one of dependence. It's hard to make a relationship work if a man is making this mistake. It has to be about you, if two people are both at 100% happiness with themselves you don't need to talk about all this "i love you more" nonsense. You're being great people and doing things for each other because you want to.

      You can't have this addiction and dependency to someone, because then you'll be looking at them to fulfill you which is something nobody on earth can do. You have to fulfill yourself and be doing nice things for people because YOU are happy. Not because you want them to be happy so they can make you feel whole. When a man loves a woman more than she loves him, that's just a way of saying he is over extending himself hoping to get something in return. And that's a terrible way to live your life, you can't go around expecting women to reciprocate love in order to make you feel good.

      It

      • cynicaloptmst81

        - First, I disagree with the premise that a man or woman should love more.
        - Second, there is not a person on the planet that isn't dependent on something or someone to a degree…or weak and vulnerable sometimes.
        - Third, making a relationship about you, imo, stops once you love someone. Love "does not seek it's own".
        - Fourth, I agree that you should not look to a person to fulfill you. You should be a whole, healthy being before you partner with someone. Once you are, and are fully aware of who you are and what you need, then you can wisely choose a partner who is compatible with who are are…and can provide the support you need to journey through life with that person.

        • The Guy

          I think me and you are on the same page for a lot of this, and I appreciate your viewpoint.

          Nothing is absolute, i have moments where i'm a lower version of myself but i return back to normal. If i get punched in the face i might not be Dr. King but after 30 mins I'll probably be in a good headspace.

          A relationship is always about you. if i slap you hard enough you'll break up with me. If i cheat on you you'll break up with me. You wont be concerned with "how can i fix him." Maybe if i get on drugs you'll stay but you'll probably leave too because you have to look out for yourself. If I love you, that means that you are a very high priority on my list. And I will do my best to be accountable and responsible for maintaining that. But it never becomes about you because a significant other is just a part of my life, and not my life.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          I agree that in reality, we make it about us (the individual and not the partner)…love, that is. But, it really isn't and shouldn't be.

          I try not to confuse facts with truth…because they don't always line up. You've stated facts, I think. But, it's not the truth of how things should happen…which is why many love relationships end and don't work.

    • Adonsi

      @Cyn81

      Men in city parts America have to approach relationships differently. Since we have to persue you, you have very little idea collectively, what THAT experience is like for most men. Also, Women are an investment who can more often than not, can turn out to be a net-negative.

      Wage-garnishment, children being used as pawns, death in its worst forms.

      So call it whatever you want, but the feelings are MORE than justified.

      • cynicaloptmst81

        How about instead of blaming the person, or women/men…the partner, we start holding ourselves accountable for who we agreed to be in a relationship with. Owning that we ignored signs. Owning that we were too naive to know what the signs were, in some cases, etc.

        I'm so over the blame game. I take full responsibility for my choices in partners. And now that I have, it frees me to pursue and love without the fear and hurt that I had.

        'It' is called fear and hurt. And that can't always be avoided in life…cause hurt and afraid people, hurt people. The best chance you have is to be mindful of this and avoid those people at all costs…watching for signs (they always show them) and walking away when you see them, no matter how attractive/cool/successful they are.

        • Adonis

          My point was not about personal responsibility, i agree with that.

          I was arguing that the personal responsibility men & women bear after a break-up is NOT equal , and a man messing with the wrong woman can really set him back. It is not so for women most of the time (exception. MURDER).

          Even in pregnancy, a woman can give their child up, and shirk her parental reaponsibility LEGALLY.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          I understood that. But, I still feel like the consequences are more about who YOU (not you, though) chose to be with.

          Not to mention that I'm willing to argue that there are a lot more single mother's out here raising kid(s) without the baby daddy's help and no child support than there are men who are getting taken to the cleaners for alimony and child support. And that's a hell of a set back!

        • Adonis

          To keep it 1 billion,
          It is hard for me to empathesize with women in these scenarios.

          1. They didn't pick me or a guy like me (who financially plans for children)
          2. They were not married at the time of abandonment
          3. They were not raped
          4. From the moment the sperm bit the egg, to the time of childbirth, a woman can abdicate her responsibility as a mother (a man LEGALLY cannot) via abortion, adoption, abandonment (firehouse, hospital drop-off)

          So, with all this, i cannot look at a never married single mom with pity & compassion. More like "what a dumb b-tch", "that is what she gets", "should have chose better".

          Good Day

        • cynicaloptmst81

          Smh @ you, lol.

          Those men are equally responsible for recklessly releasing their seed in the woman and should still provide for and help raise these children though. So, whether or not you empathize with their plight does not mean there is no plight after the break-up for this great number of woman ("deserved" or not).

          People need to choose better…make better choices…to get the right results, period.

        • paynewell
        • Southerngyrl_

          Yup

        • The Dark Knight

          @Cyn: I wholeheartedly agree with you. I have also wondered why more people don't take personal responsibility for their own relationship decisions and have come to this conclusion: Most people are too immature or not introspective enough to analyze their own thoughts, actions, and behavior. It takes both maturity and introspection to grow as an individual and unfortunately, a lot of people don't have those things.

  • http://twitter.com/jtSolBroSupreme @jtSolBroSupreme

    Strictly from a BIBLICAL standpoint, it does state for 'men to love your wives as Christ loved us' …you can interpret that whatever way you wish, number 1. Number 2, very few FOLLOW the bible although they may QUOTE the bible. LOL.

    That being said, what tool of measurement can one use to determine who loves who more? Seriously. How about if we choose a mate and make them our spouse, we love that person as it states in the wedding vows that folks exchange……naaaaaw, well, maybe marriage no. 2 at least? LOL.

    Furthermore, someone loving you more does not guarantee a lifetime of being hurtLESS in that relationship.

    I'm inclined to believe that as much as people protest and ACT as if they want to be in a relationship, its interesting to watch that once they get in it, rarely does their actions indicate their pleasure in being in it. So whats it really all about? I don't know….I'm just rambling.

    And then…there are…THE EXCEPTIONS. And I find the exceptions very refreshing.

  • https://www.facebook.com/yungprynce219 Chris Reid

    I understand why a woman would say she wants a man like this. After all a man loving "more" sounds pretty good in theory. However, one thing I've noticed is that when a man appears to be more in love (or more emotionally invested) than the woman, the woman will eventually loose interest. I've heard many women say that they feel like they settled when they're in a relationship like this; “I don't feel for him like he feels for me, but at least he’ll stick around.”

    Women are attracted to men who appear more dominant in a relationship. The person who is less invested in the relationship is usually the one with the "upper hand", therefore appearing more dominant. When the man is more invested, his behavior will be interpreted as clinginess which will annoy his partner to no end.

    When the man is less invested, the woman's need for validation kicks in which motivates her to "chase" him. This is the reason why many women stay in dead end relationships with men who don't give a rats @ss about them. They know they love him more, but they believe if they work really hard, they'll earn a little bit of that love back.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

      men who "love hard" are dismissed as simps, soft, or coming on too strong
      My recent post Today’s Word is… INTEREST

      • Smilez-920

        Of course they are considered that , usually by women who 1) don't know what love is/ what a healthy love looks like or 2) isn’t / wasn’t ever really into that specific guy in the first place.

        No relationship will ever work out if one person is more into it than the other (man or woman). I really think this quote speaks to whole men are approach women, men set the direction of a relationship etc… Think about the movie “Stomp the yard”. Columbus Short’s character wanted Megan Good. Megan good was interested but not quite on the same level as him. He put in work; she opened up, long story short happy ending.

    • oh ok…

      Not always true. I think I'm more dominant in the relationship. He's the yin to my yang.
      I've dated alpha dudes only to realize that they were just too much to deal with.
      I'm actually thankful my guy & I found each other becuz I would probably still be dodging those kinds of guys today…

  • http://www.venushouseproject.blogspot.com @VenusHouseMama

    I agree with what you're saying. I've said that before, "a man should love a woman more than she loves him".

    It feels safer since we (women) are the ones who'll get emotionally invested faster – sometimes. That speaks to my own relationship past where I thought going all in was disastrous.

    It's more about who you're going all in for.
    My recent post Even If He'll Love You, Anyway…

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

      i think thats a myth, men are hurt and humbled by failed relationships just as much if not more than women, just because they cope differently doesn't change that
      My recent post Today’s Word is… INTEREST

      • http://www.venushouseproject.blogspot.com @VenusHouseMama

        That's a good reply.

        I think because men cope differently than us, we assume they're less hurt. It takes us looking a little deeper to really know a man was hurt by the relationship.

        It's all apart of learning and gaining more perspective.
        My recent post What I Don't Get About Black Folks &amp; Interracial Dating

  • Furious Styles

    Y'all are asking the wrong question.

    1) This is just yet another genius-sounding theory to create the illusion that one will never be hurt, used or played if they do everything on the "should" list. All attempts to get in a relationship you want fail until one doesn't; all attempts to maintain a relationship fail unitl one doesn't.

    2) All this "love one more than the other" (like you can easily quantify that)…F@&$ all that, do the both of you even LIKE or RESPECT each other? Love matters, but that's just one ingredient. There are so many moving parts.

    Beware of anything that tries to explain everything.

  • Smilez_920

    I think people misinterpret this quote as a woman should be with a man she has absolutely no interest/feelings for because he loves her. I don’t take this quote literally. I take this quote as a woman should be with a man whose love is so strong and grand for her that it almost seems like he loves her so much more than she could ever fathom or think to love him. Not literally a woman should be with a man whose love is on 10 for her and her love is on level 3 for him.

    I personally think people tell women “be with the man who loves you more” to stop them from chasing men who do not want them. “I love me enough for the both of us” – Jhene Aiko. Yes a lot of women spend time doing this in real life and end up feeling empty. I take this quote as simply saying a woman needs to be with a man who is into her.

    • Uncle Hugh, BP

      Smilez: "I think people misinterpret this quote as a woman should be with a man she has absolutely no interest/feelings for because he loves her…Not literally a woman should be with a man whose love is on 10 for her and her love is on level 3 for him. I personally think people tell women “be with the man who loves you more” to stop them from chasing men who do not want them. “

      Because it's difficult to quantify loving more, I think a lot of people are responding with one person not really liking the other. That wasn't how I approached the question, I was assuming there are definite genuine feelings between the two.

    • shante708

      well said

    • Furious Styles

      "I personally think people tell women “be with the man who loves you more” to stop them from chasing men who do not want them. "

      Then why don't people just say that instead? Even then, it's no insurance/protection against the dude who will pay for airline tickets, introduce her to his mother, and all the "courting" behaviors and then ends it without rhyme or reason as mentioned in a previous post here.

  • Ariana

    I agree with what was said earlier that it is the man's love that will keep the relationship afloat much more than the woman's love. I think that if a woman has a healthy sense of self-love already and is not seeking love out of insecurity, her love for any man will mostly depend on how well she feels she's loved by him. I don't think the "more" matters so long as a high degree of love is actually there. A person is either all in or they are not. If he isn't all in, that's not enough and there will be problems. For whatever reason, though, it seems like a woman can be less than "all in" and the relationship still hold together. But if two people are giving 100%, how do you decide who loves more?

  • http://www.thelifeofafabmommy.wordpress.com Tiff

    My mom and grandmother ALWAYS said this. I agree with other posters that it is no way to determine who loves who more. I do think with experience it is easy for a woman to then be able to gauge the variance levels of love depending on the relationship. No man has ever loved me the way my husband does and I hope he can say the same. When you reach that level of commitment you know. Love isn’t 50/50 and some days one puts in more than another. As long as you balance each other that is what matters most.

  • bellatrice1

    I agree with the homegir. An older Asian MAN once told me the same thing in a nail shop of all places. I was 21 and I'll never forget.

    Back in the day, men were the choosers. Whether a woman loved a man or not depended on his ability to provide for her and build a stable home, not the "in love" feeling we talk about these days.

    In most of my serious relationships, the man has loved harder, in that he strived to maintain the relationship and was ALL IN.

    When a man is all in, there is less concern about infidelity, and like someone said above, selfishness. They will always try to win you and stay in your good graces.

    Like in Best Man Holiday, Morris Chestnut's character wanted to be her HERO, and he ultimately was. I would use another word besides "loves more" and say the man should be more invested.

  • Diana

    Once I asked my mom about the truth of this Little Brother line: a woman's life is love, a man's love is life. She was like say it again? Ohhh yessss honeyy. She always told me a man should love the woman "more" because for women it's so easy for us to be enraptured, consumed, in love with a man. We've all seen Vh1 shows – it don't take much.

    My parents have been married 40 years and I can say my dad loves my mom more. So much so that she hopes he passes first because if she goes first he will be lost and undone. Every time my mom leaves town, my dad gets "sick" until she gets back. And when she gets back – mannnn he is a cheesing mofo! In all the old school couples that I've seen work – the men mannn the men just always have this "that's my woman, she badddd even though she 62, I still want to come home to her every night and always will." And when you see that – a man vulnerable and weak for his woman? It's a beautiful thing. Not saying that my mom doesn't love and appreciate my dad. Idk. It's just, it's just different.
    My recent post The Dare Dream

    • Adonis

      Meeting someone TODAY that you get the opportunity & privilege to spend 40 years with is rare. Good for them.

      But more often than not, this is what happens when a man feels vulnerable & weak for his woman.
      http://newsone.com/2782968/merrick-mckoy-colorado

      "If i can't have you, nobody can have you!."

      • http://www.aworknprogress.com Diana

        LOL! So what about a generation of people getting married who have already put in 15, 20 years and they still going? But okies. If that's your reality – cool.
        My recent post The Dare Dream

      • cynicaloptmst81

        No, that's what happens when you pick the wrong person as a partner and parent for your child.

        My heart goes out to both families, smh.

        Considering his actions, killing his own baby, she was right to leave his crazy behind!!!!

  • http://loveklinicblog.com Ngah Benoit

    I think love is something of the heart and it doesn't actually matters who loves the other most. So long as there is understanding in the relationship, I believe you can have the best relationship ever even if she loves you more. Thanks so much for the article. It's really educative.
    My recent post How to show your boyfriend you love him

  • Stephen

    What love are we talking about? The 13-29 year old "love" that is really infatuation? The 30-39 year old "love" that is intertwined with the ticking clock?

    In other words, without flowery language, how do people even have a conversation about this while separating it from the biological and economic realities of life? My definition of love may be drastically different from another's. IMO, there is a reason why "love"-based marriages come and go. We freely throw around the word but have no working definition that is agreed upon between two people.

    • http://twitter.com/Thisizhowwedoit @Thisizhowwedoit

      I agree..Takes more than just love, it takes Character.

  • MissLia

    I used to disagree with this statement, but I understand it better now. It's actually about bringing balance to a relationship. It's based on the notion that women are born nurturers with a more giving nature than men, and if we technically love one another equally, the woman will naturally give more to the relationship than the man. If the man loves you a little more, then he will give about the same to the relationship as the you and things will be equal.

    In theory, that makes sense. As women, we are pretty much raised up to be givers. However, I'm with some of the other readers as I don't really know how one would quantify love.

  • http://lhatcher2013.wordpress.com/ lhatcher2013

    I think that everyone should just be their authentic selves. That way you wont have to worry about who loves whom more. Love isn't a competition, it should be a delicate balance of accepting one's flaws and loving one another.
    My recent post Workout 11/19/2013

    • Sarah j.

      Nice, well said.

  • Young Heaux

    I think if you are with a strong, convicted and virtuous man you won't have to worry about if he "loves you more." The arguments for why a man should love the woman more stem from insecurity–that he's more likely to break her heart or whatever because women tend to be more faithful and loving by nature. But a man with character solves that issue.

    • Adonis

      @Young Heaux

      Character don't wet the panties.

      • cynicaloptmst81

        You mean, "Character *alone don't wet the panties", right? LOL.

        I knew it! ;-)

        • Adonis

          @Cyn81

          Most of the most morally bankrupt men have women chomping at the bit to sleep with them.

          Character be damned.

      • Sarah j.

        You're right if that woman commits to superficial values.

        • Adonis

          And alot of women do @Sarah J

      • Young Heaux

        You wouldn't know much about character.

  • oh ok…

    My guy loved me more in the beginning of our relationship and showed it by writing poems, being a gentleman, singing (he's aight!) He showed me what "love" truly is; the kind that you want everyone to experience. He later told me that he laid it on thick to get me to reciprocate the love back. *rolls eyes*
    Meh…I loved him before all that though!
    But yeah I do think a man should love a little bit harder/stronger than the woman, because like others said before: women naturally love HARD. I get that now.

  • Soulflower55

    When I got married at 28, I was mature enough to know what I wanted, and yes he did say it was love at first sight! But I grew to love him as much because he treated me with respect and care, doing what he could to make me happy ( and I did the same). We divorced, but still love each other and have remained friends since then. He was a man's man in every sense of the word and I had the utmost respect for him then as I do now. What I remember most about our seventeen years of marriage is how well he treated me and how wonderful it was to wake up to someone every single day comfortable in the knowledge that we genuinely loved each other. I went through some of the worst experiences of my life with him (including the loss of both my parents) and he stuck by me through all of it.

    At 58 I know I will not ever find that kind of love again. And in the end I don't know who loved who more, but I do know that having experienced that kind of love has made me more open and caring, less judgemental, more introspective and considerate of others and their feelings. Whatever happens from this point forward is just icing on the cake.

    • DamnPops

      Your feedback is greatly appreciated. This man has obviously left an indellible on your life. I'm glad you were able to have such an amazing experience with him. For all of the great things you mentioned, not to pry but why did you all end up parting ultimately? If you mind sharing that's fine, just very curious Ms.

  • J.Crawford

    In my current situation this saying is Bullshit. It's all Well and Good to SAY this in Theory but in practice like Most of the Guys have said Women stayy dealing with men that don't give a damn about them, a la the "Good Guy" vs Bad Boy". You can claim Dominant Character, "Alpha behavior" or any other spin all you want but In The End, in 2013- a Man who Loves or Cares MORE than a Woman is seen as Weak and a SIMP, Period. If it isn't Mutual or Slightly a Woman caring More then it's Not Good/Cool for a Man.

    Why would the sayings "If you Love Someone/Something, Let it Go, and IF it Comes back it's Menat to Be" "Do Not Love Someone to the Point of Not Having Love for Yourself" and other ones be made??? Is this for Women ONLY and Not Men and IF so, Why????? Trust, I'm not being bitter but I AM Asking for a legit Explanation.

  • Uit

    I disagree completely that any party in a relationship should love more than the other. I'm about reciprocation so if one party is all in and one isn't somebody isn't getting the love and commitment they deserve to get back. If both parties are all in then this question doesn't even make sense. You're in love and there is no way to measure if the job she passed over to move in with him in his city means more in value of love than the fact that he swallows his pride and let her freeloading family move in when they fell on hard times. It doesn't matter. Just the both of parties should be in love.

    That said I do think that think men should love first. Or be seen first. Like it's been said a man's love drives the relationship. Men prove this all the time. They chase the woman they truly want and lay back on the women they dont want. Guys say all time if Iwant you you'll know it because he is going to make it happen. This is why women are advised the love the man that loves you because the value and commitment you want is there. No need to look or figure it out.

    I know this leaves guys out there to get hurt women are just as doggish as men these days but truth is we are gettin hurt in or out of love.

  • tylisa06

    I agree with the author of the post, that saying/belief is based on past experiences, more than likely negative. It's basically rooted in a general distrust in men. I know their are woman who just believe there are somethings that men are just not capable of, as if their neanderthals. One of those things is cheating. Some women believe that men are just dogs and cheaters and they cant help it. So make sure he loves you more so he can curb those natural inclinations. Lol. Now if we just talking about general interest, I think its smart for a woman to see if a man is really into you before you jump all in. But love more?…naw.

  • Marco

    Any response to this article that results in the belief that one partner should love the other more for the benefit of the relationship, is bound to be driven by fear. Fear in its very essence is the opposite of Love. They cannot coexist in the same place. You cannot truly love someone in the purest sense if you are afraid. The lack of fear allows one to totally love someone else the way they should be loved. Fear creates the imbalance that most of us have felt at one time or another. I think people honestly over complicate things and fail to see the bottom line. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship where the other person loves you more than you love them?… That's actually rooted in selfishness and self preservation. It's a defense mechanism to ward away pain that can only be experienced when you're vulnerable. People defend themselves when they sense danger or are afraid. Secondly, how could one find his or her self happy knowing that they're are with someone they don't love equally? In essence, they'd be occupying a space that someone else should be filling for fear of being hurt… Like I said you can't have true love in a relationship if fear is the driving force.

    • Young Heaux

      *applause*

    • T

      @ Marco, love this!!! This is the best reasoning thus far.

  • ngahbenoitngah

    I think in every relationship one partner usually loves the other more. This doesn't really matter if there is communication and the partners understand each other very well. They can make a great couple even if the man loves the woman more or vise versa.
    My recent post The Kind of man a woman needs

  • brian

    this topic is a bit juvinile because it depends more on the people in the relationship than the genders. I honestly think men generally love harder( when we are actually in love). Men have been known to kill over women(even themselves). Women usually won’t go that far for a man. To me alot of women are in love with the idead of being married or in a relationship.