Relationship Rules in 2014? Yeah, right – Here’s Why You Can Ditch Relationship Rules

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A few weeks back Gee Hooks penned a good piece on why people are subscribing to relationship guidelines that don’t work for them. I commented on that post saying,

“I think it’s a certain type of person who thinks that they have to subscribe to the popular thought about relationships, marriages and good/bad significant others… it’s not even an issue of losing morals/values either. Quite frankly if you are still subscribing to that thought, you’re becoming an outdated individual. Nobody else is doing that anymore.”

I promised to expand on my thoughts in a subsequent post and then life happened but I hope to be able to return to relevance with this post today. In 2014, a year in which we are now more free as a society than we’ve ever been, you simply do not have to follow any relationship rules. (I admit that we are not 100% free and am not implying that we don’t have a long way to go.)

It may have been about ten years ago when I first had a conversation in a relationship forum about why men and women shouldn’t complain about their relationships. I had this theory that I would call the “you’re not going to break up with them, so shut up” theory. It was a pretty novel idea ten years ago and at the time I didn’t understand something about relationships. People have goals associated with their lives that involve relationships which make it a little hard to take the “break up with me or STFU” approach. That’s why later on in life I realized that in order to ever really be successful at relationships, we would have to be much more flexible with our demands. Regardless of the flexibility of our relationships, we must understand that doesn’t mean that we have to subscribe to any set of “relationship guidelines.”

In 2014, let’s look at where we stand socially as a people and let’s break it down by the way we categorize; demographically:

Race – Each year, interracial relationships and marriages increase. Careful… most people will marry intra-racially. Only about 10% of marriages are interracial but that number has been climbing higher and higher each year. This means that you don’t have to subscribe to any thought that you should date within in your race, you’re more than welcome to but that’s your choice.

Gender – Men and women are experiencing a shift in traditional roles in relationships. Your gender no longer determines your role. And if it does, there’s a large majority of people who don’t agree with relationships that have traditional gender roles. This means that if you think that being a man means that you can’t date until XYZ happens or that being a woman means that you have to do ABC, you’re probably wrong. People aren’t making gender decisions as much as they’re making preferential decisions in their relationships that transcend gender.

Income or Occupation – Along the same lines, gender roles led society to think that if we were not going to subscribe to traditional roles then we were going to completely level the playing field. Due the archaic nature of the way society always reacts to new norms, this meant total equality in relationships and marriage. You would only date someone who was in your income level because that was the way to ensure a healthy split of financial duties. This is also not the case anymore. Many couples find that income or their occupation does not have to be a determining factor in who they date. One could argue that the amount of debt you have plays a large role and I wouldn’t dispute that. That’s very different from an income level or occupation; in those circumstances you can be rich or poor, if you have a ton of debt, you still have a ton of debt. In 2014, we aren’t pushing people to the same three or four occupations that presumably would bring wealth. We are encouraging people to find happiness in their lives and choose careers that fulfill themselves. Why would you date someone who doesn’t do the same?

Family Background, Place of Birth, Education Level – However we want to classify saying, “your past” that’s what this section is about. And even in 2014, it’s no big deal anymore. Everyone is from everywhere. Divorce and non-traditional families are everywhere. I went to school with someone whose parents divorced and both are in same-sex marriages now. When it comes to education, our generation has gotten to the point where the more education you have, the more debt you have, and it isn’t really tied to any guarantee of making more money. Do what makes you happy and get the education needed to accomplish that. Twenty years ago, “He’s a doctor” would perk up your girlfriend’s ears but now they’re like, “Big f*cking deal, is he serious about settling down?”

I guess in this breakdown of the demographics of society right now all I’m really trying to get across to you all is that there are no rules. If you want to have an open relationship, do it. If you and your significant other want to go to sex parties and have threesomes AND still not consider that an open relationship, try it. If you want to be in a relationship for ten years or so before getting married; there’s nothing wrong with that if it works for you. If you want to date online, in-person, speed dating, Craigslist, or Hedonism II; you can do it because nobody can tell you not to do these things in a free world. I could go on but you get the point. These norms that people are subscribing to are just an archaic way of living life. The people who choose to still live by them need to be left in the past. We’re moving forward. I’ll see you guys in 3005.

Dr. J

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  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

    At 25, my fsther was married with 3 kids. I know 25 year olds who havent had a long term relationship yet. The goals are different, every woman doesn't want to get married, every guy isn't tryna get off every shot before he settles down, some couples don't want kids, woman can separate sex and love…its a brave new world yet all these gurus are selling dreams based on the classics.
    My recent post Today’s Word is… PRIVACY

  • Ali

    RELAX AS YOU ARE

    You can grow in your approach to negative emotions.

    As you start to become more self-aware, you may notice yourself wallowing in negativity, even as you deny you have a problem. Negative emotions clearly drain your energy. They drag you down. Hate, anger, lust, depression, greed—it is better to be loving, compassionate, creative, and generous, or so it seems.

    So you grow to the next stage. You dedicate yourself to self-improvement. You can use many methods to transform your negative emotions into positive ones. You can go to a therapist and discover the root of your anger in childhood. You can learn to reframe your experience, so when anger comes up, you visualize the best moment of your life and swish a new pattern of emotion into the moment. Instead of wallowing in anger, you can learn to transform anger into positive motivation.

    Instead of hating someone, you learn to feel sympathy for him or her, knowing that as evil as they seem, they are suffering just like you, searching for an answer. Rather than festering in envy, you grow to feel abundance—how wonderful it is that beauty is overflowing everywhere and through everyone. When a negative emotion comes up, instead of denying it, getting tense, and stuffing your face with food or alcohol, you can learn various ways to transform heavy emotions into positive and energetic motivations and feelings.

    You used to feel ashamed of yourself, and now you feel good about yourself. Eventually, however, if you continue to grow, your desire to transform negative emotions into positive ones begins to feel false. Your need to feel good about yourself begins to be a burden. Your need to feel successful, lovable, and unique begins to feel unnecessary, like a scab ready to fall off. Just as you were once motivated to feel good rather than bad, now you are naturally ready to open without any self-image—positive or negative—to protect you from what is.

    As you grow spiritually, your approach to negative emotions naturally matures. First, you flounder in negativity, alternating between denial and shame. Then, you embark on a well-intentioned effort to transform negative emotions into positive ones, improving yourself so that you become a more successful and lovable person in the mirror of your self-worth.

    Finally, you can’t help but live true to what is, whatever is. You stop trying to buoy yourself with motivation and positive thinking. You open as the lack and the darkness you sometimes feel. You are willing to feel, breathe, and be everything, dark and light. Opening in every now-moment, your life is no longer lived as a hope for success and love, but as an unfolding openness.

    Suppose you feel down about yourself. You feel unworthy. So, you decide to use an affirmation in order to brighten your sense of self: “I deserve love and success. I am a unique, powerful, and worthy person.”

    Affirmations can work for a while, but eventually, if you continue growing, affirmations can begin to feel thin. Your feeling grows deeper, and under it all, in spite of your efforts, you sense you are still nothing. How can you work with your depression and continue growing?

    If you are willing to feel exactly what is and open as you are, then your life unfolds as truth. For instance, if you feel you are nothing, then open as nothing, fully.

    “I’m nothing,” you feel. Relax into the pit of nothingness. Allow yourself to sink into the blackness. Feel dark nothingness seeping through your skin, pervading your body, blackening through your heart and gut. Breathe and relax and open as dark nothingness.

    You are openness alive as black. Continue opening as you are, feeling outward in all directions without bounds.

    As darkness, breathe and feel open. Allow the moment to unfold open, as you are.

    If you feel anger, then be willing to feel anger completely. Feel your face flushing red and your heart beating hard. Feel your hands balling into fists while your feet want to stomp. Feel hot energy coursing up from your belly, bulging your eyes, wanting to shout from your mouth.

    Feel your entire body alive as anger, and open to feel around you. While alive as anger, feel into the ground, into the sky, and outward into every direction. Feel into any person you are with. If your lover made you angry, feel into your lover. Look into your lover’s eyes. Feel into your lover’s heart. Open your heart to feel every part of yourself and your lover.

    From your heart, open as anger, breathe as anger, feel anger course through your body, feel into your lover, and open. Feel your lover’s heart, your lover’s breathing, your lover’s energy, and also open wider than your lover. Feel the energy of the wind, of the sun, of everyone everywhere. Feel anger and open, feel your lover and open, feel all and open, from heart through all and beyond.

    Unfold open as anger without bounds, feeling all from the open depth of your heart.

    If you feel lust, feel it completely. Open your heart to feel the fire in your loins. From your deep heart, feel your want, your need, your urgency to merge, to consume, to be consumed. Lust fully and without stopping short.

    Alive as lust, urgent and hungry to be satisfied, feel from your heart into the yummy one you desire. Breathe deliciousness in and out. Feel and breathe the fullness of her lips, the roundness of her butt. Feel and breathe the intensity in his eyes, the strength in his spine. Feel and breathe the chocolate of the cake, the coolness of the beer. Feel and breathe, in and out, the luscious object of your lust, fully.

    From your heart, feel through your lustful body to its object, and now open to feel as far as you can. As lust alive, feel from your heart to your left and your right, behind and in front of you, downward and upward, feeling outward in every direction as far as you can. Alive as lust, feel outward without limits. Open without end, from your heart, as lust, feeling all you desire fully, breathing all you desire in and out, feeling outward further to open beyond the horizon of the moment.

    Open as whatever so-called negative emotion you feel. Open as you are, whatever you are feeling. Whatever you are feeling, open. Live as love, feeling outward without horizon. Feeling all, breathing all, open exactly as you are.

    Every moment, no matter how bad or good, is unfolding open. The hope for personal success and positive emotion is most fascinating when you have forgotten, or have yet to discover, the endless opening you are.

    From Blue Truth by David Deida, Chapter 10

    • J. Crawford

      What does this have to do with the current post???????????????

  • Ali

    To understand the male experience, Dr. Warren had the women ask men out on a traditional dinner date. Women had to call the man, plan the evening, and initiate every step of the date. The men were told to be entirely passive, putting the burden of the evening on the woman. It was up to the women to risk rejection for any physical or sexual contact she wanted, with the men passively accepting or rejecting the women’s advances.

    Many of the women said they were unable to listen to what the man was saying because they were so worried about getting rejected. Instead of connecting with men, the women found themselves constantly thinking “How do I get this guy not to say no?”
    If women expect men to understand their struggles with weight and body image, they should also seek to understand men’s issues with rejection and game.

    Most women who criticize men’s pick-up tactics have never tried to approach a stranger, win their trust, and ask them out. Women are less likely to shame men’s attempts to improve their success with women, after experiencing the male role.

    Role-reversal can fun. In his book Why Men Are The Way They Are, Warren Farrell talks about going on “role-reversal dates” with women he knows where they exaggerate traditional roles – complete with her bringing flowers and him fighting “very hard against anything overtly sexual on our ‘first date.’” He says the experience is usually “hilarious” and “an amazing turn-on.”

    The intention isn’t to give up roles, but simply to understand the others experience better. I love the role I have, I love women who enjoy playing the feminine role, and I wouldn’t want to change either. While a woman might sympathize with a man’s challenges with rejection, she is still going to chose the most confident and appealing partner, the same way a man who understands women’s body issues still prefers the most attractive women.

    The way men feel towards ugly women is the way women feel towards men who give them “creepy” approaches. When women understand and care about men, they naturally improve their appearance, the same way men who understand and care about women naturally become more confident and less creepy.

    Rather than lowering our standards, and promoting something as absurd as fat or creep acceptance, understanding means become the most attractive version of ourselves.

    While Warren Farrell suggests men and women might be able to look past such things and solely at their partners capacity for love, unless biology changes, most men are going to continue to prefer attractive women, and most women are going to continue to prefer bold men.

    Thankfully, both our weight and game are things we can change. I’ve personally transformed myself in both areas, and much of the writing on this site is about how men can improve both their game and their body.

    Understanding is a two-way street. Ladies, if you’d like help dropping weight, I’d be glad to share what’s worked for me. After you’ve worked on your body, you can work on your understanding and compassion by planning an amazing date for us. Pick me up at eight. Bring flowers.

  • http://[email protected] Ali

    Let them tell it and men are the most likely to tell a lie, cheat or steal. That’s how she’d like you to think about yourself as a man. They say, “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t exist.” The truth is men lie, women lie, we both lie and that’s just the way it is. If you find me a woman who has never told a lie before in her life whether harmless or not, I’d like to meet the unicorn so I can kill it. Since you can’t find one, I won’t be killing any women or unicorns. Women lie differently than men. They omit the truth, they misguide the truth, and they are always convinced that they are taking into consideration everyone else but herself when they lie. The truth is, nobody lies for someone else… except men. That’s what I want to talk about today. Over the past few weeks, I’ve noticed that there are things that men just can’t say to women. It may be the truth, but he’d be best to keep it to himself. For some strange reason, women haven’t reached the same conviction. They feel it’s perfectly okay to spew lies or stretches of the truth. With that said, I thought I’d help out the fellas by giving you a short list of things women say that they don’t mean. In other words, don’t believe that shit.

    1. What do you think about [insert anything here]?
    She might ask you this question and truly believe on the inside that she’s genuinely interested in your answer. This is a trick, this is only a trick. What she means to say is, “Confirm that you feel the same way I feel about this.” I ain’t got a clue why women continue to ask men questions like this. They probably want to give the man a chance to speak his opinion before they tell him their own. In reality, this is only a trick that’s best avoided by saying either “I’ve never really thought about it” or making a real good assumption at what you think her answer will be and making that yours.

    2. Where is this going? Or, what are we?
    I don’t know why women even ask this question because I’m not sure that I’ve ever known too many men who answer the question honestly. It’s one of those questions that falls into the category of “if you needed to know, you wouldn’t have to ask” but women ask anyway. But do they really want an honest answer? Hell no. The reason why men pause for so long before answering this question is not because they need to think about the answer, it’s because they know the answer but they know she don’t want to hear it.

    3. How do you think I look?
    Translation: How do you think I think I look? If you think back to how many times you’ve heard this question and how many times you’ve ever told the truth it makes you wonder if the woman actually wants to know the answer. No woman wants to hear, “Yeah that style looks good on Beyonce, but not on you” or “I think you could stand to lose a few pounds, maybe ten.” They tell you they WANT to hear the answer, they’re lying through their teeth harder than the way your mother used to scold you in church on Sunday.

    4. I’ll only do that for my husband.
    Don’t buy it… don’t you buy it. A lot of women claim to have this list of stuff that they’ll only do for their husband. Take for example article, that’s a good example of how the nature of women is the more they respect a man, the more they tone it down. There is simply no evidence that something that is not happening right now will happen once they’re on the other side of a marriage license. That old saying, “It’s better to have one in hand, than two in the bush” is true. For those who don’t know what that means or haven’t internalized it, simply put, you have what you have now, what you might get later is not promised.

    That’s just a short list of statements or questions that women make that are better off referred to as lies. They may say it but they don’t mean it. They either don’t want the answer to the question or they don’t even believe themselves when they say it. I’m sure there’s tons of other things that women say that you can categorize as a straight lie but there’s these things called word counts.

  • Ali

    There’s this old-fashioned misconceptions when it comes to who should approach whom. Hoes stay winning because of their ability to not only approach a man, but strike up the conversation that keeps his attention as well. “Let the hoes keep winning, my prince charming will approach me in due time”. This is all due to ‘If’s’ if you’re approachable… if the guy you’re feeling is confident, and if you’re prepared to deal with the thirsty men who are going to holler while you wait for your guy to notice you. That’s a lot of ifs.

    In my young days I was so scared of rejection especially from a female, but rejections are always the key to success….well at least for some. One thing men never learn is how to accept being rejected or the notion of it so we keep trying with almost every girl we come across, or seem to find attractive. women on the other hand have predominantly never been rejected by a man so they don’t want to feel like his first victim so they wont even bother to approach this guy.

    When being approached by a man the least you can do is introduce yourself. The man will do most of the work. For example, The man has to ask you out. The man has to take you out. He has to work to show you a good time and try get a second date. He has to work to get you open enough for sex. He has to work at giving you great sex. He has to work at being a better boyfriend than your previous assholes. He has to work to afford a big ring. He has to work up the nerve to propose. He has to work at calming you down because you’re worried your wedding won’t be as perfect as you dreamed. If you’re picking good men, not any of these dolt guys, then he will work hard to make you his and keep you his. Saying Hello is far from “doing everything”.

    Gone are the days men had to do all the working, but since in the UK there are 7 women to a man, men can have 6 other women if they chooses to, so the chances of men doing all the working seems to have diminished over the last 5 – 10 years but women can’t still discern to notice the difference. I’m not asking for women to arrange the first date, pay for the dinner, get the man safely home etc. I am asking my generation of female’s to get off their lazy arse’s and give men of today who have a world full of hoes they could easily sleep with, a reason to work hard. If he can’t hold a conversation, don’t give him your number. As a woman you always know when a guy is into you or not. This is quite controversial and subjective but most female’s get dumber by the year without even noticing this. Show me a female who’s supposingly a “wifey material” and I will give you 5 or more guys who have done everything with her in the books of kamasutra.

    The same way you can’t discern if a female is single is the same way you wont know if a guy is single or not unless you talk to them first. Women who are single and successful dress the same as women who are broke and living with their parents. A man is not going to approach you based on how he thinks your stock portfolio is doing, he’s going to approach you based on looks and keep talking to you based on how cool you are, or intelligent he thinks you are. How can you tell a successful man from some bum ass dude? Easy, men let you know as soon as they walk into the room that they’re getting money (the outfits, trainers, car etc).

    Statistics and Scarface (the movie) show us that when you look like money, smell like money, and getting money, you no longer have to approach the girl, they approach you even though most will be hoes but who cares? as you are only going in for the ass and titties and not marriage until maybe in your late 30′s. When a man is content with hoes always on his d**k, he will even ignore the prettiest girl in the room unless she’s either truly sexy, a 10, (not 8 or 9 but the perfect 10), famous (a girl he’s heard of) or infamous (a freak he’s heard of before). Why would Mr. I have it all or Mr. successful risk being rejected unless he’s super keen on you, or even take off his cool and approach you first?.

  • Ali

    Here it is boys, the What Women say n what they actually mean

    “We need to talk” = I need to complain about you

    “Have fun at the party” = do not have fun at the party

    “You don’t need to buy me a present” = you need to buy me a very expensive gift

    “Yes” = no

    “No” = yes

    “I’m very adventurous” = I’ve slept with every guy who gives me even a hint of attention

    “are you hungry?” = take me to dinner

    “we’re going to be late” = yes it took me five hours to get ready but it’s all your fault so drive faster who cares it’s your insurance not mine

    “you seem like a player” = I find you interesting

    “you’re such a jerk” = I am attracted to you

    “so why did you break up with your ex girlfriend” = what’s wrong with you

    “it’s getting kinda late” = I’m not going to have sex with you

    “so are we together” = I want you to stop f*cking other women

    “do you like me” = I like you

    “we have different values” = I found somebody else to fvck

    “I am tired of drama and BS” = I am very attracted to a**holes

    “I like your friends, but..” = I don’t like your friends

    “I want a man to spoil me” = im already having sex with one guy, but now i need an AFC to spend money on me

    “I’ve been really busy” = I don’t like you

    “Who’s that girl you were talking to” = are you having sex with that girl

    “I want to be friends first” = guys just pump and dump me so now im gonna take my insecurities out on you and make you wait

    “Im not ready for a relationship right now” = im not ready for a relationship with you, ever

    “I just don’t want a boyfriend right now” = I don’t want you as a boyfriend, ever

    “That’s okay” = I want to think long and hard about how I’m going to make you suffer

    “I’ll be ready in 5 minutes” = I’ll be ready in 2 hours

    “You don’t know how to communicate” = you need to do what I tell you

    “We can always still be friends” = there is no way in hell I’m going to let any part of your body ever touch any part of mine, ever again

    “I like you but..” = I don’t like you

    “There’s no one else I swear” = I’m banging two of your best friends

    “I love sex” = I love sex with other people, but not with you

    “I can’t believe I did that” = i do that all the time with other guys

    “I’ve never done that before!” = I do that all the time with other guys but will only do it with you once in a while so you think you’re special

    “We’re moving too fast” = I’m not ready to sleep with you again until I find out if the bad boy I got the hots for is out of prison yet

    “Do I look fat” = everything is going perfect so we need to fight

    “I cant believe i just sent you that picture!” = I do this all the time

    “Whatever” = f*ck off

    “Can you help me with ” = if I keep whining and making him think he will f*ck me the idiot will do what I say

    “Where are you?” = why aren’t you here doing things for me

    “I’m not sure what I want” = I don’t want you

    “You’re such a great guy!” = You’re a chump

    “I have a headache” = I won’t be having sex with you tonight

    “I’m tired, I think I’m just going to stay in tonight” = I’m going to fvck someone else tonight

    “I hate my ex” = I’m still in love with my ex but he won’t take me back

    “I’m so happy for you!” = I am jealous and not happy for you at all

    “I don’t care, let’s go wherever” = you better know where I want to be taken

    “It’s nothing” = this is a big deal

    “I think I’ll just stay in and take it easy” = you did something minor to make my gina dry up and I’m considering never talking to you again

    “yeah, I’m all for starting out dating non-monogamously” = if I even suspect you have a lunch date with someone else you are a player and a loser

    “I’m not ready to have sex yet” = You’ve still got 453 hoops to jump through cowboy

    “I was really an idiot to marry my ex” = I blame others for my own choices in life, and I was desperate and approaching the wall, besides, all my other girlfriends were getting married and I was afraid to be the last one

    “Men are all the same” = I refuse to change my ways because nothing is ever my fault

    “Your friends are awesome!” = once I get you to commit I’ll alienate every one of them from you and slowly isolate you and your wallet

    “I like to take it slow at first” = I’m still judging you and testing you

    “Let’s do something next week” = unless I get a better offer

    “I can’t stand my ex” = I think about doing him every night

    “I promise, I’m not a cat lady” = I am so totally a cat lady

    “Look at that skank” = I’m jealous of all the male attention she gets

    “I’m not in a position to do this properly and it wouldn’t be fair for you unless i could give it a proper shot” = i don’t like you anymore and i’ve already started looking for a new guy to f*ck

    “eww, i dont even like sex, d!cks are ugly” = I’m a total slut and feel like a piece of garbage for getting f*cked by so many worthless losers over the years

    “i don’t suck d*ck” = i don’t suck YOUR d*ck

    “I just think we need some space” = Im thinking of sucking and fukking this other guy or multiple guys but im not sure yet, i will let you know at your lowest point, for now ill keep you in suspense

    “call me on Thursday to confirm” = you’re my backup plan. I have almost no intention of actually going out with you

    “I really like you as a friend” = I’m not going to sleep with you or date you, but you can take me out and buy me dinner if I don’t have anything better going on

    “do you mind if I leave some of my things at your place” = I want other women to know you’re seeing someone

    “sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner, I was so busy with work/feeling sick” = take a hint, I could not possibly care any less about you

    “sorry I turned my phone off/battery died” = I was busy with some other guy

    “sorry I can’t make it this Friday after all” = I found something better to do

    “I don’t get along with girls because they’re jealous of me” = I don’t get along with girls because I’m a stuck up b*tch

    “It’s not really going to be a couples thing, so maybe we’ll meet up after?” = I don’t want my friends to think I’m dating you seriously

    “it’s just girls night out” = I’m looking for the bigger better deal (BBD)

    “I don’t care about money you know I’m not like that” = yeah sure that’s why you brought it up

  • Gray

    Values, morals, and standards are important, IMO. Without any sense of structure or order chaos ensues. The disorder that you speak of is already in place as adults do what they want to as a personal rule. The key is finding a mate or partner who shares your views.

  • Kay

    @Ali very funny

  • Callahan

    Its great style and custom writings review find more information here and get essay with low prices.