Some Ugly Truths About Modern Dating

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couple dating

By Christopher Hudspeth

1. The person who cares less has all the power. Nobody wants to be the one who’s more interested.

2. Because we want to show how cavalier and blasé we can be to the other person, little psychological games like ‘Intentionally Take Hours Or Days To Text Back’ will happen. They aren’t fun.

3. A person being carefree because they have zero interest in you looks exactly like a person being carefree because they think you’re amazing & are making a conscious effort to play it cool. Good luck deciphering between the two.

4. Making phone calls is a dying art. Chances are, most of your relationship’s communication will happen via text, which is the most detached, impersonal form of interaction. Get familiar with those emoticon options.

5. Set plans are dead. People have options and up-to-the-minute updates on their friends (or other potential romantic interests) whereabouts thanks to texts & social media. If you aren’t the top priority, your invitation to spend time will be given a “Maybe” or “I’ll let you know” and the deciding factor(s) will be if that person has offers more fun/interesting than you on the table.

6. Someone who hurt you isn’t automatically going to have bad karma. At least not in the immediate future. I know it only seems fair, but sometimes people cheat and betray and move on happily while the person they left is in shambles.

7. The only difference between your actions being romantic and creepy is how attractive the other person finds you. That’s it, that’s all.

8. “Let’s chill” & “Wanna hang out?” are vague phrases that likely mean “let’s hookup” — and while you probably hate receiving them, they’re the common way to invite someone to spend time these days, and appear to be here to stay.

9. Some people just want to hookup and if you’re seeking more than sex, they won’t tell you that they’re the wrong person for you. At least, not untilafter they score your prize. While human decency is ideal, honesty isn’t mandatory.

10. The text message you sent went through. If they didn’t respond, it wasn’t because of malfunctioning phone carrier services.

11. So many people are scared of commitment and being official that they’ll remain in a label-free relationship, which blurs lines and only works until it doesn’t. I’ve said it many times before, I’ll say it again – “we’re just talking” is opening the door for cheating that technically wasn’t cheating because, hey, you weren’t together together.

12. Social media creates new temptations and opportunities to cheat. The private messaging and options for subtle flirtation (e.g. liking of pictures) aren’t an excuse or validation for cheating, but they certainly increase the chances of it happening.

13. Social media can also create the illusion of having options, which leads to people looking at Facebook as an attractive people menu instead of a means of keeping contact with friends & family.

14. You aren’t likely to see much of someone’s genuine, unfiltered self until you’re in an actual relationship with him or her. Generally people are scared that sincerely putting themselves out there will result in finding out that they’re too available, too anxious, too nerdy, too nice, too safe, too boring, not funny enough, not pretty enough, not some other person enough to be embraced.

15. Any person you get romantically involved with you’ll either wind up staying with forever or breaking up with them at some point. These are equally terrifying concepts.

16. When dating, instead of expressing how they feel directly to you, a person is more likely to post a Facebook status or Instagram a Tumblr-esque photo of a sunset with a quote or song lyric of someone else’s words on it, and while it may not mention your name, it’s blatantly directed at you.

17. There are plenty of people who’ll have zero respect for your relationship and if they want the person you’re with, they’ll have no qualms with trying to overstep boundaries to get to ‘em. Girl code and guy code are wishful thinking and human code isn’t embedded in everyone.

18. If you get dumped, it’s probably going to be pretty brutal. People can cut ties over the phone and avoid seeing the tears stream down your face or end things via text and avoid hearing the pain in your cracking voice and sniffling nose. Send a lengthy text and voilà, relationship over. The easy way out is far from the most considerate.

SBM fam, what ugly truths would you add to the list? Do any of these jump out at you?

This post originally appeared on Thought Catalog

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From Our Partners

  • http://twitter.com/MademoiseleOgus @MademoiseleOgus

    ugh, lawd, number 6.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

      Yeah I'm still waiting for the comeuppance on a few women.

      • Brian504

        Me too. #6 stuck out to me too.

  • James jones

    these are the reasons the one percent want to kill off the 99%

    im ok with this, if we gotta get rid of stupid fucks that perpetuate this then good.

    • Cean Houston

      What do you mean? This isn’t a class thing, its today’s society.

  • GirlSixx

    *NodsHeadinAgreement*

    Yup! Pretty Much.

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com Tristan.

    Dating is nothing but a battle for leverage now. They out for precedents to represent them, cant text first 3 days in a row, men don't wanna pay for dates unless a golden ticket is guaranteed, women want phone calls to feel special, 90 day rules…men and women are so afraid of being hurt, they woo with the smallest emotional investment possible. They cant be vulnerable to the person they're seeing but will bare their soul online. Not really interested in knowing you because they're too busy making sure you're not their ex.

    • Bree

      "Dating is nothing but a battle for leverage now." And this is the root of the very reason why many relationships and marriages are not long-lasting.
      Too many people got more game than Parker Brothers. Everybody is scared to death of getting hurt and being rejected and trying to avoid stuff before it even happens. Not to mention everyone wants the perfect person, and the perfect dating situation, at the perfect time, thinking it will make for the "perfect relationship." And guess what…..It Does Not. ijs.

      • Tdavid

        Bree …

        Sometimes I read your responses and know right away that you are an Proud, Black, Independent Woman (don't always take your comments in the best light). But what you just posted … Ding, Ding, Ding. Ring the Bell! I would up rate your comment 2 or 3 times if once was not enough.

        IMO … You Nailed It Right There.

        Just My Opinion …

    • uNk

      "They cant be vulnerable to the person they're seeing but will bare their soul online"

      *Extrememly deep sigh*

    • SingleBlackMale

      That "precedents" line cracked me up. Also, a lot of truth about not being vulnerable in-person, but wearing their heart on their sleeves online.
      My recent post 019: Every Girl in the World

  • Emmjai

    This is all so true. So true. I think I’ll be single forever because I hate these games. People (men and women alike) are all so scared these days. I could go on but the post pretty much sums it up.

  • Taj

    Wow, the comments over at TC are hilarious. I didn’t know white people were so optimistic about love.

  • baps813

    #1-4 are killing me RIGHT NOW

  • http://www.lifeisablast.org paynewell

    Number 1 is the greatest. If you careless you can make all the demands, which sucks because you don't want to play games, but it feels as though you kinda have to. Dating is war. I tell all my married friends, don't be single. Make it work! lol
    My recent post You are worth it: Don’t chase him

    • bellatrice1

      I tell my married friends the same thing!! It's a jungle out here…

  • http://twitter.com/InAnimateAlpha Animate

    *Doing the married dance*

    I tried to read these, I really did. I absolutely hate #1 though. This type of mentality is more detrimental than good. When you start trying to compare how much someone cares with how much you cares you’re just going to end up disappointed.

  • Bree

    Congrats on your marriage Animate :)
    Peace & Blessings *smile*

  • Lynn

    Numbers 1, 3 and 7 all tie into each other. It is so cool to be aloof. You have to act like you care less. Now when someone is genuinely interested and tries to show it, they are called a "creep" or considered "thirsty." Madness…

  • HustlynDiva

    1-18 and Im pretty sure there are more is a clear reality of why dating is so damn difficult. I don’t care how well you try and stay ahead of the game you will fall into one of these examples at some point in time. #1 has men written all over it, men are great at not caring or acting as if they don’t. #16 has women written all over it sad, happy whatever emotion is mos def going to be expressed to the masses. I have notcied as you get older one ugly truth is you have a lot more to lose as an adult in the dating world. A lot of people that you meet have kids, have been married & now divorced, are married but seperated thats a lot to walk into. Men and Woman have been emtionally broken into, baggage being brought to the table goes way further then kids from a previous relationship.

  • J.Crawford

    This post IS the Rlaityof Dating and Relationships in 2014.

  • langwichartz

    Number 14 is the gospel for sure. Authenticity and Organic interaction are an endangered species.

  • http://thesexysinglemommy.net Ty Knighten

    #8…I am SO over men asking to "hang out!" What happened to asking me out? This entire dating thing is a bunch of BS!
    My recent post Men, 4 Reasons Why We Aren’t Mad When There is No Round 2

  • DBoySlim

    No. 7 is the truth. I've experienced both sides of the Dobler/Dahmer effect.

  • Shawn

    Yep, the entire list seems legit! I straight had a woman is was 'dealing with' but not actually 'with' cut me off by blocking me on FB. I didn't even get a phone call OR a text. Talk about cold blooded.
    And I know this is going to sound bad, but I smiled when I found out a year after that the dude she cut me off for was cheating on her, AND had actually gone up side her head a few times. NO I DON'T ADVOCATE men putting there hands on women, PERIOD. But it would be a lie if I said that knowledge of her tumultuous situation DIDN'T make me smile! I guess that makes me a bad guy. *shrugs* (I can live with that) lol

  • Camille A. Pressley

    True. This is similar to an elite daily post I read a few weeks ago.

  • WeekzTC

    7..too much truth

  • amanada23

    i recently had a love spell cast on my partner last week after we both had a misunderstanding that almost lead to divorce and i was about losing my husband so a friend of my Natasha advice me to quickly order for reunite love spell that will make my husband change his mind from divorce which i did contact [email protected] after the casting of the spell i receive a call from husband apologizing to me on what happened i can’t thank you enough Dr ekaka you are indeed a god gifted spell caster….

  • Ali Sheikh

    Self-Made Man: One Woman’s Year Disguised as a Man

    Here is what she wrote about dating women as a man:

    For these women, men as a subspecies – not the particular men with whom they had been involved – were to blame for the wreck of a relationship and the psychic damage it had done them. It’s hardly surprising, then, that in this atmosphere, as a single man dating women, I often felt attacked, judged, on the defensive.

    Many of my dates – even the more passive ones – did most of the talking. I listened to them talk literally for hours about the most minute, mind-numbing details of their personal lives; men they were still in love with, men they had divorced, roommates and co-workers they hated, childhoods they were loath to remember yet somehow found the energy to recount ad nauseam. Listening to them was like undergoing a slow frontal lobotomy.

    Weren’t people supposed to be on their best behaviour on first dates? Weren’t they supposed to at least pretend an interest in the other person, out of politeness if nothing else?

    The women I met wanted a man to be confident. They wanted in many ways to defer to him. I could feel that on many dates, the unspoken desire to be held up and led, whether in conversation or even in physical space, and at times it made me feel quite small in my costume, like a young man must feel when he’s just coming of age and he’s suddenly expected to carry the world under his arm like a football. And some women did find Ned too small physically to be attractive. They wanted someone, they said, who could pin them to the bed or, as one woman put it, “someone who can drive the bus”. Ned was too willowy for that. I began to understand from the inside why Robert Crumb draws his women so big and his diminutive self begging at their heels or riding them around the room.

    Yet as much as these women wanted a take-control man, at the same time they wanted a man who was vulnerable to them, a man who would show his colours and open his doors, someone expressive, intuitive, attuned. This I was in spades, and I always got points for it. But I began to feel very sympathetic toward heterosexual men – the pressure to be a world-bestriding colossus is an immensely heavy burden to bear, and trying to be a sensitive new age guy at the same time is pretty well impossible. Expectation, expectation, expectation was the leitmotif of Ned’s dating life

  • Ali Sheikh

    For a girl to know what it’s like for a man to approach a girl, all she has to do is imagine what it would be like for her to cold approach a man she is interested in. If she had no friends. On a day when she feels ‘fat’.