Old Love vs New Chemistry: Which Do You Choose?

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Wanting that old thing back can be a bitch can’t it? Well it sure can be when you’re aware of the dangers of it. We could end up paranoid sometimes about a situation like that. There’s only two ways things can go: right or wrong. We’re only human. With that, there’s been times that we’ve spent being very defensive. We get hurt, we put up walls. It’s absolutely warranted.

Over time though, things change. Time heals so many wounds. Maybe you’re back in an amicable relationship with a past love. You might still have real feelings for that person as well. At the same token, here comes a new fine thing. The both of you hit it off! And just as perfect as the universe works, your old love is throwing vibes again. Aww shit. I don’t think anyone enjoys this situation. It’s just our luck that as soon as we fall back they crawled back. Fab be on the pulpit don’t he?

You’re now in a bit of a quagmire.

I don’t know if anyone really knows how to deal with this. You could ask what Jesus would do, but we don’t know about his love life. So we’re damn near forced to go with our gut. Our instincts usually steer us the right way. What makes sense actually does end up making sense. That doesn’t mean your heart will always lead you down the wrong path. But once we’re in situations like this, we’ve got to be a bit more meticulous about what’s right for us.

To borrow a boxing term, we need a tale of the tape.

Boxing360

In other words, it’s time to compare these two individuals. What your old love brought to your live is extremely valid.What we might need to know is if there’s something that old love can still offer our life today. As it pertains to your new chemistry, what are they about? How much potential do you see that individual having long term? I see no problem having faith in someone’s potential. It may not even be a knock on your old love. Maybe it’s just time for something fresh.

Just as many other scenarios regarding love, there are grey areas.

This situation doesn’t have a clear cut answer. Nevertheless, it can be extremely delicate. If you don’t handle this type of deal with the respect it deserves, then someone leaves pissed. Not so much pissed that things don’t go their way either. But they leave upset feeling maliciously slighted. Your transparency with your interests are paramount at this point. You handle this unique situation in a mature fashion then everyone leaves respecting you.

My advice when it’s an old love versus new chemistry? Do what makes sense. Do what you think leads to long term happiness beyond a feeling of nostalgia.

Any of you found yourself in this situation before? What would you do? Let’s speak on it.

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS  – Damn He Got A Point” (My Column) on Viral Status

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  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

    Whenever I’m faced with the situation I usually take the new. She offers what my ex cannot; a clean slate. we forgive but don’t forget, and sometimes no matter how many times you and the ex build from scratch the imperfections will remain. You proven capable of breaking her heart, she’s proven capable of lying to you, its that hindsight that will overcome any feelings of nostalgia

    • Sandra

      I agree! Plus we need to remember the old is the old for a reason. And I think we need to give the ‘new’ a chance before we write up a tale of the tape because you don’t know them as well as the old. (which could be a good or bad thing)

  • Bree

    Motorcity Mami, to your last comment “not too many man let a woman they are madly in love with and can’t live without walk out of their life in the first place” Unfortunately many do “let a woman they’re madly in love with walk away” because men can be idiots. ijs.
    I agree with you about not going backwards. My philosophy has always been, (in life, love and relationships) I do not go backwards, only forward. This has served me well. Yes there are exceptions to that rule. But for me, the only reason I would ever do that is if the person had grown up completely and changed for the better. If we were together when we were young and had “puppy love” and then we reconnected 10 or more years later; when they’ve grown up and learned a lot about life, love, and themselves. People are definitely more than capable of change. However, they have to want to change, and they have to go through the maturation process that is the vehicle for that change.

    • Mr. €

      “let a woman they’re madly in love with walk away” because men can be idiots.”

      I’m still processing this statement and if I may (shared by many women) sentiment.

      In essence it means, he’s not willing to do what YOU WANT him to do, to get me you to stay. The process of change means that you’re changing for the best – the way the best fits you. However, their version of their best has you as an option, not a necessity.

      This was a hard lesson learned.

      • Gray

        Mr. €,
        I know men and women who share this sentiment. It certainly isn’t exclusive to women. Typically, the young, immature, or inexperienced (sometimes controlling) ones who are getting dumped are typically ill prepared to handle the emotional toll that a relationship brings. They find it difficult to realize their feelings aren’t shared by the one they supposedly love.

        • Mr. €

          Gray,
          True, however, I can honestly say that I don’t know anyone who was/is completely put together (read: Kwan) prior to them being or seeking a relationship.

          We are typically in the – best we can be position, prior to coupling.

  • cynicaloptmst81

    Under normal circumstances, I’d agree with Mami and Tristan. As a matter of fact, I’ve told Pops “hail naw” to do-overs…and I meant it. And, in a strange turn of events, my ex-bf is my current bf and soon-to-be spouse (YAY!). So, Pops…I’m forced to concede that you may have been right about how that reconciliation can happen and work, lol.
    Now, what’s important here is to deal with the meat of both situations as you weigh them. Chemisty can be extremely temporary…and familiar can be deceptive. With the ex, it’s important to make sure that whatever problems there were in the past are now resolved…which, in a way, makes the reconciliation pretty new…new flow, fresh experiences without the old problems. With the newbie, you gotta find out if you’re really compatible…and chemistry does not guarantee that. At that point, you don’t even really know the person, for real. Then, of course, go with your gut…but only after you’ve dealt with the reality of both choices.

    • Damn He Got A Point

      Congrats to you!! I’m glad it worked out for the best!

      See you never know.

      • cynicaloptmst81

        Thanks…naw, you don’t know. I’m still shocked, lol.
        The best thing to do is pace yourself. Just talk, date, and spend time…don’t make any hasty decisions either way. After a while, if you and newbie are incompatible, you’ll see it and if nothings really changed with the ex-boo, you’ll see that too. Pace yourself as you get the information you need from both of them.

        • Bree

          Exactly Cyn. I agree.

    • h.h.h.

      nice…congrats and stuff lol

      • cynicaloptmst81

        Wait, I thought I told you already, LOL…my bad!

        • h.h.h.

          i was made aware…lol.

    • Motorcity Mami

      I agree love! I haven’t been one to experience an old situation working out in the present day, but I have been a personal witness to others who have. Congrats to you guys and glad to know you’re one of the success stories.

      • cynicaloptmst81

        Thanks!!! I still don’t think I recommend it, per se…and I fought it for a bit. But, not only did he stress that our issues (mainly not on the same page in life) were resolved during our time apart, he also showed it during every opportunity he had…till I was like, “this dude is serious”. It took a month and a few acts of God to make me a believer and I’m not sure most people (male or female) would go through all that…

        • Bree

          Cyn you don’t call yourself a “cynical optimist” for nothing I see. :)
          I think this is one of those things that is not for everybody. At the end of the day you do what works best for you and yours. But just because it worked for someone else, you can’t assume that it will work for you.

        • cynicaloptmst81

          HA! LOL! He’s better than me cause after the first “yeah, I don’t know about all that”, I’da been like “cool” and that woulda been that, lol. I’m like the others, I don’t think folks change but so much…so those acts of God really made the difference. I def don’t wanna paint my situation as the norm…it’s not, lol. This is a praise report with a straight up “you may not wanna try this at home unless x, y, or z” disclaimer, LOL!

    • James

      Congrats to you Cyn! I’m in that same boat. Trying the old to start off anew. It really does become about resolving the old so they don’t taint the real shot at starting over.

      • cynicaloptmst81

        Yeah, you can’t just jump right on in. You have to keep up certain boundaries initially while you talk things out and observe the situation a bit to see if reconciling is worth it. You don’t wanna end up wasting your time.

  • Ty (SexySingleMommy)

    I have been guilty of “wanting that old thing back” and have 2 ex’s who I get back with every couple of years. You would think that I would know better but sometimes it’s easier to be with someone who knows you. However, when you let BS back in, you quickly realize that things haven’t changed and why you’re not together anymore.
    You have to be willing and open to go through the process of learning someone new and some people just aren’t willing to go there.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ajabritt Hustlyn Diva

    I tend not to go backwards, regardless of the chemistry we had we stopped dealing with each other for a reason and with me being in my 30′s lets be honest how many of us break old habits we’re pretty much settled in our ways therefore for me to go backwards whats the chances of a change? I move forward and Im all about that new new.

  • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net/ Anthony Brian Logan

    An ex inboxes me on FB yesterday. The second comment I got instantly displayed why we broke up and can’t get back together.

    I think going backwards to an ex can be done, but you have to look at why the situation didn’t work in the first place.

    If me and the person I mentioned broke up due to a variable outside of our core personalities then I might give it another go. But it wasn’t.

  • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net/ Anthony Brian Logan

    Just because you madly in love with a person and think you can’t live without them doesn’t mean that the feeling is mutual or that you are supposed to be with that person.

    • Motorcity Mami

      @Bree I definitely don’t disagree with you on men letting a lot of good women walk away…..which is why a lot of people break up, try to revisit a situation and it end up being the same as before. I’ve only know a few people who have broken up then gotten back together years later and it worked, which as you stated are usually due to maturity, life experience, and/or financial reasons. @greaterunderstanding:disqus I agree with you as well which is why I stated people should be focused on moving forward (unless in rare circumstances as I stated in response to Bree.) The only thing is if people realized the feeling wasn’t mutual or they weren’t supposed to be together they wouldn’t be coming back around, causing the old vs. new situation as presented in the post.

      • http://www.greaterunderstanding.net/ Anthony Brian Logan

        If you agree with my statement then that kind of contradicts the “not too many man let a woman they are madly in love with…” statement.

        • Motorcity Mami

          No it doesn’t….the fact that I said “not too many” means there are always exceptions to that concept, you can’t speak of anything regarding human nature as an all or nothing concept. My point was I don’t know too may ppl who realize they are madly in love with someone and then break up, thus bringing forth the “old” person in the scenario above. Yes, there will be people who break up, work things out and get back together, but that is the minority.If someone realized there weren’t mutual feelings in the relationship or knew they weren’t destined for one another, why would they come back around? We are talking about old vs. new not breakups in general.

    • Bree

      Amen to that Anthony Logan

  • Sunshine

    Unless we broke up due to something “out of our control” – distance or some other reason that I can’t readily think of – then no, I wouldn’t get back together with an ex. Getting to know a new person is tough, but falling back to the ex just because they’re familiar, comfortable, don’t need to put in as much effort, etc., is a golden road to contentment and settling.

  • JT

    I guess there always exceptions to everything. More or less, I am of the mindset that an Ex is an Ex for a reason……THING IS, IF I broke up with them, then I’m LESS inclined to wonder about the WHAT IFs and all that comes with it because for me to break up, I’m pretty much done. I’ve never believed in trying to make that which does not fit…FIT. period.
    I think a lot of times if you were the one not wanting the relationship to end, which is beyond your control when somebody is done and ready to move on, it stands to reason you may entertain the WHAT IFs.
    But same way I deal with folks on an individual basis, I also look at the relationships on an individual basis as well.

    • Bree

      “I think a lot of times if you were the one not wanting the relationship to end, which is beyond your control when somebody is done and ready to move on, it stands to reason you may entertain the WHAT IFs.”
      Very true JT. Definitely the person that didn’t want the break up is typically more open to a reconciliation. Whereas the person that initiated the break-up is not open to it.
      I will say that I think counseling can help. If the issues are resolved following counseling, and the work done is counseling is done outside of counseling as well, then I think a reconciliation is very possible and can work. I also think in a marriage it should be considered following a separation. This is one of the reasons why legal separations must be for an entire year in most states before a divorce can be filed. Every possible avenue of resolution should be considered and tried before permanently calling it quits on a marriage.

  • Gray

    Relationships can be a bit habit forming… Comfort/habit = familiarity, but that’s not necessarily best. I do believe in weighing good and bad which results in determining compatibility. I do not believe in moving backwards, which is probably because I give my all from the start.

    It’s ok to move forward if the relationship does not work for you. No one should be forced, out of guilt, to stay in a relationship! I have a few male friends who hold a similar sentiment about women walking away from “good men”. I have personally asked them individually “who told you, you were a good man?” Only because it makes them stop and think. Perception is everything.

    If the person to whom you are madly in love with is not ready for the relationship you’ve envisioned why would you think that’s the right relationship for you? Don’t you think you deserve better?

    There leaving may hurt, but suck it up and move on. Every relationship is not meant to last. They are all experiences to broaden our horizons, but some of us refuse to learn our lessons. Smh

  • Sharee Truex

    I look at it as if he was willing to let me go, what makes me think he will stay the next time things turn sour. Yes, sometimes people grow and mature but that takes time. I’m talking about situations when you broke up recently and now that I have a new love interest you want to show up to the plate?! No thanks, I’ll take my chances with my new love interest or the one after him or the one after him…you get my point.

    • Kema

      There’s a reason they are the ex

      • Ree713

        Exactly!!!

  • Es Sully

    I have never been in that situation, however, I have seen it work for others. I believe that people and circumstances change with time. I wouldn’t recommend that people force it but I do recommend that if there is something that you feel can be explored, try it. Hold out on the sex and lovey dovey stuff. Start slow and be more intuitive about what’s going on. The second try may just be an opportunity to build a new friendship.

  • http://freewebcams.vipcams4u.com/ Alex Liddell

    I think most people have a good relationship but struggle with communication and trust and honesty, and the rest we can all work on the latter.
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