Why I Chose My Own Path to Finding Happiness

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One day I was thinking to myself about all the relationships that went wrong in my past and I decided to give up trying to do it the “right” way. You see, the right way is the reason why I had found myself struggling my whole life. I found the need to do things the way everyone else would do them and not the way that worked for me. And I thought that maybe I was the only person that felt this way but I quickly found out that whether that was the case or not, it was silly.

Most of us live our lives in the reflection of everything around us. We’re products of our environment and that leaves us in a disposition when it comes to our personal lives. We fail to realize that our personal lives do not do anything for those around us but yet we consider it to be a decisive factor. That’s why one day I decided that I had enough and I was going to do things my way.

I thought that living for everybody else had run its course. I knew that in the end I would only have myself to blame for why things didn’t work out or why they did in fact work out.

I mentioned to a friend the other day that I would have no time for a woman’s insecurity in dating when it came to me. I didn’t want to do things in my life to live for what her friends may say to her or to coddle her own insecurities. She would have to find a way to be in the relationship between the two of us and not with everyone else who may be viewing the relationship and chiming in. I’ve felt pretty much from the time I left my college days that having everyone in your relationship was the utmost determining factor for failure in your relationship.

And it comes out of me in the things I say about relationships now too. I tell people, what works for them is probably what’s best for them. While I may not have a relationship history that looks unconventional and I may be very traditional in my approach, it’s what works for me. I live by the thought that in the end if you are happy, that’s all that matters. Love isn’t a journey that’s examined for how you got there, all that matters is that in the end you’re happy. No one asks you to show your work when you reach that happy place.

Plenty of my friends and family have reached that happy place and they haven’t once stopped to wonder if it made sense to everyone else. They stopped only to think if it made sense to them. That’s the only people who matter. And as a people we have all these thoughts on whether someone should have done it the way they did it. We tell ourselves what we are willing to put up with and what we would have never gone through to be happy in the end. However, that only stops with the fact that it’s what WE would have done, not what THEY should have done.

Left with all this, I gave it up. I also decided that I couldn’t be with anyone who thought that they couldn’t give it up either. I needed freedom to be myself and live my life. I needed to be able to look back on what I did and realize that I did for myself because all those other people wouldn’t be there to congratulate me on a job well done in MY relationships. Lastly, when I did this I felt a great sense of pressure had been relieved. I was okay with the approach and I was okay with any outcomes that may come out of it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I made a personal decision to make my own happiness a personal decision. I stopped needing affirmation from external sources and I stopped asking myself, “How do you think that makes me look?” If there’s anything I can encourage you all to do is to follow the same path, if it works for you, and I’m sure you’ll find yourself in a happy place. That may be single, in a relationship, married, not looking or otherwise. However, it will be a decision you made. Those are the best to live with.

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  • http://righttoreallove.com/about/ Jay

    This is very sound insight.

    I agree that it is vital to live our lives for ourselves.

    We will never be able to please everyone. Nor should we have to try.

    I believe the key is to develop our character. Be the best people that we can be and not worry about what others have to say…or what they may think.

    We must be firmly rooted in who we are.

    However, if we don’t know who we are, that’s where our priority should be. It’s imperative to discover who we are so that we can develop the confidence to live our lives with peace, joy and happiness.

    Knowing and loving ourselves will drown out the white noise of people who are trying to distract us or veer us off the predestined course that God has set for us.

    I agree that our relationship status doesn’t matter. We must focus on fully developing ourselves more than anything else.

    I recently wrote an article about embracing singleness that dived into that point in more detail. If you’d be interested in checking it out let me know. Either way, great article Dr. J.

  • Ernest Duncan

    I enjoyed reading this post. I reflected upon my own journey to find myself and in the process of doing so, I’m finding happiness.

    • Beauty In Truth

      Please elaborate. My journey has been rejecting forced christian religion. I.am agnostic and proud of it! As a woc this comes w/its own issues, like when people assume im a bible woman (eye roll). I dont make a point to discuss my ideas unsoliscited, but I dont hide who I am. Open hearts and freedom of your truth is to me, the best expression of Humanity.

    • http://righttoreallove.com/about/ Jay

      That is truly a blessing Ernest! There is nothing like taking time to find and develop love for yourself.

      It’s such a peaceful and life changing experience.

      I’m glad to hear that the process has led to you finding happiness and I pray that continues as your journey through life and self-discovery continues.

      God bless you!

  • Gray

    I get so tired of hearing, “why are you single?” They are so blessed that I think before I speak, or I’d be as rude an intrusive as them. I am always respectful to everyone’s choices. It is not my business. In addition I don’t let too many judgmental people in my business.

    It is necessary to be completely comfortable and secure with who you are in order to live your life on your own terms. The concept isn’t new, but it doesn’t seem very common. It certainly doesn’t mean that you won’t have good or bad experiences. IMO, it means you’ll have experiences with a purpose, and it won’t take you a lifetime to understand. Many people claim to experience this but their insecurities scream out totally overshadowing their lie.

    My mantra is “I don’t owe anyone an explanation”. Truth is, if you matter (a significant) I’d have no problem explaining. If you’re an insignificant, in most cases you’ll get ignored.

    • http://righttoreallove.com/about/ Jay

      There are two things that you said Gray that were on point and I definitely agree with.

      1) “It is necessary to be completely comfortable and secure with who you are in order to live your life on your own terms.”

      YES!!!! This is TRUTH!

      2) “…you’ll have experiences with a purpose, and it won’t take you a lifetime to understand.”

      Precisely! There is purpose packed into every experience that we encounter. If we ignore that fact, we are devalue ourselves, our lives and those experiences.

      Like you stated, whether those experiences are good or bad, there is something that can be claimed, redeemed or salvaged. We can then take those things and use them in a positive way as we continue to progress and journey through life.

      Excellent points Gray!!! Excellent!!!

      • Gray

        Thanks Jay…we can certainly relate on this topic.

        • http://righttoreallove.com/about/ Jay

          No problemo!

    • JT

      Co-signing 100%. What I’ve learned is that folks are very basic in their ideas and beliefs. When you fall outside of their box of beliefs, they look at you sideways and with question. Thats okay. Let them continue….when it comes to life, love, happines, success, there is no 1-size-fits-all.

      #CantNobodyTellMeHowMyShoesFit ;-)

      • Gray

        Exactly. It surprises me how people believe their opinions are relevant or important enough to say out loud.