Why Being Bitter Leaves You with a Shallow Dating Pool

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Complaining seldomly leads to success. That’s a principle that is accurate in all facets of life. So naturally that makes our dating lives no different. Some people are lucky to find the right one rather quickly. For the majority of us… it’s the opposite. For most of us, dating is an experience. It lasts for years. The people we date vary. In the midst of all that, we have some shitty experiences. We experience heartbreak. Sometimes heartbreaks lead to breakups. Moving on can be a task; a tedious one at that. But in order to experience happiness, you have to figure a way.

Negative experiences from our past can influence us for the worst. Both men and women have crutches we use to “justify” our current status. It isn’t the best thing but it’s the truth. Here are some examples.

Men

Nice guys finish last- I recently  read an article called 45 Ultimate Tips For Men. One of the tips was that nice guys didn’t finish last, boring guys did. I’m inclined to agree with that. There might have been a time when I uttered such words in formative years. But the older I got the more I realized that it’s an excuse. I hate to reference this but even take “Think Like A Man” for example. The whole idea of “changing the game.” Sometimes that’s what has to happen. If you’re not getting the results you’d like then you’ve got to switch something up. You expressing that only nice guys finish last won’t help your dilemma.

Women

Hoes stay winning- I know we’ve all heard this one before. To be frank, in undergrad it was something to chuckle at. Another funny phrase that we conjure up as a culture. But I’ve realized more and more lately that many women really believe this. A number of women exclaim this phrase  to note  why they’re single. Too many men loving these hoes. Let’s say these ladies are right. Let’s say all the good men in the world are loving these “hoes.” My answer is usually the same. How does saying this better your situation? It doesn’t. The truth could  be that you’ve got to find a better way to date. Find a better way to reveal who you are to a man.

Change the game

We’ll always be in the pursuit of bettering ourselves. There’s no manuals to this stuff. Life is a big game of each one teach one. I only hope to encourage all of us to lessen the amount of excuses we make. Lessen the amount of times we find it appropriate to put down one another. Who another man/woman dates is their business. Nice guy/bad guy, hoe or not. It means nothing in your grand scheme of things. Always remember that. Let’s run our own race. We can’t be great by complaining. And no mate wants to deal with a Debbie downer.  I know I don’t

Do you all agree? Do you think I’m wrong? Let’s speak on it.

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS  – Damn He Got A Point” (My Column) on Viral Status

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  • JOhn Crawford

    Very Interesting Post; it is as you said- there is no “1 Way” to go about Relationships. Some Folks have good traits where “Be Yourself” in fact works, and Others, again, as you say- must Change Up.
    The never-ending discussion of “Traditional Values” vs “Modern-Day” dating is a paradox that Everyone SHOULD be able to admit exists and yet Nobody is willing to; Women are not the Betty Homemakers of Yester Years, they aren’t Barefooted, In the Kitchen and Stuck with Kids (unles they Choose that) and Men are not the Iron, Silent and Rugged types that worked in Manfacturing and had Great Office Jobs. Technology, this Recession, Education and other things have changed how we all view Masculinity and Femininity (I hope I spelled it right).
    Until we can acknowledge that Men and Women are more than who and what are Elders Were and Are, the Better Off We in our Prime Years and the Generation of Kids and Teens will be. If “Old School” applies to you In This Day in Age- Go For It; and if being a Independent, Highly Educated Woman and/or Mild-Mannered Child-Oriented Man is how you feel and nt to be- that’s Fine. Everything Ain’t for Everyone.

  • http://manifestyourself.com/ Kimberly Whittaker

    I would have to raise my hand and say that I use the phrase “hoes stay winning” among my girls, but probably for a different reason. We say that cause hoes tell men exactly what they want, when they want it, and overall they don’t tolerate as much BS as “non-hoes”. Sometimes women who are supposedly more classy/ less vocal are worried about making demands of a man, so they shut up, sit down, remain unhappy and complain about it. Many times hoes are more straight forward and tell it like it is. The man knows exactly what he is getting and what he “should be” doing to keep her – and a lot of times he does it and both parties are happy because they knew that they were getting into from the very beginning…

    The classy/less vocal girls are sitting around single, lonely, and wondering why they can’t have a relationship like the hoes.

    But like you said, we all need to focus on our own issues and work on what we can if we really want to have a healthy and prosperous relationship. Maybe classy/less vocal girls should take a little advice from these winning hoes? Clearly they are doing something right. #justsayin

  • http://righttoreallove.com/about/ Jay

    I believe a lot of it boils down to people receiving what they put out.

    Like the Kingdom Principle states, “…whatever one sows, that will he also reap.”

  • http://www.OpinionatedMale.com/ Mr SoBo

    Good post.

    Hoes certainly do ‘win’ in the short run. If you consider receiving primarily sexual attention from men and very little of anything else of substance ‘winning’ and something to envy, then you have a much deeper issue that needs to be addressed.

    Its like the tale of the tortoise and the hare. Being fast works for short distances (i.e short lived relationships/encounters). They end almost as quickly as they began. But if longevity(long term relationship) is what you seek, then the ways of the swift/hoe are the ways to generally avoid and PACE is everything. Meaningful relationships (like life) are not for the swift.

    “Nice guys didn’t finish last, boring guys did”. Spot on. Too often many men who complain about this don’t realize that they stay losing not due to their niceness, but to their general lack of sexual appeal. In addition to being nice, one has to also simultaneously harness their sexual desirability. Our carnal attraction to one another is paramount in relationships and attraction. Without it, you’re just friends.
    Friends are nice. Boyfriends wet panties.

    In the end, I agree that we should remain in constant pursuit to bettering ourselves by learning from our mistakes and life lessons. Making excuses for bad behavior is never the business.

    My Post: Horrible Mistakes Women Make In Relationships

    Another Good Post: Deadly Mistakes Men Make In Relationships

    Mr. SoBo
    OpinionatedMale.com

    • JOhn Crawford

      {“Nice guys didn’t finish last, boring guys did”. Spot on. Too often many men who complain about this don’t realize that they stay losing not due to their niceness, but to their general lack of sexual appeal}—— I respct yor sentiment and I raise you a ponderance: For Me; whenever I hear the “Nice Guys” complaint, I wonder How Many are Virgins Looking for Sex and How Many are Virgins and Non-Virgins Looking for a Relationship? When I hear “Hoes Be Winning”, I think Virgins, the Willful Celibate and Non-Virgins complain against Women who seem to be similar to the Non- “Nice Guys”.
      Agree/Disagree?

      • Damnpops

        I think that’s certainly a portion of the people who say those things might be who you described.

    • Taz

      “hoes” whatever ppl want that term to mean…in this case, woman who know what they want and don’t have a 90day rule get their foot in the door. Those woman don’t have a problem with approaching a man and living according to her standards….not societys. She allows men to get to know her and they BOTH choose if they want a relationship.
      woman who yell hoes stay winning don’t know how to date or how to date for themselves.

  • langwichartz

    Till we do away with these “crutches” (defense mechanisms) and stop trying to view modern dating through traditional “old school” lenses, its gonna be hard to turn this big ship around in the right direction.

  • Brad G

    I had so many dorm room conversations with women and men about the demise of dating and the gender roles diminishing. Many of those conversations laid on deaf ears. And most of those deaf ears are still single.

    My guys always speak of how great they are… how they’re good guys and responsible and all that. Constantly searching for the woman with “the list”. Love to scream that nice guys finish last stuff. But as the article so eloquently stated, nice guys don’t finish last, boring ones do. All these dudes contribute to group convos is 2k banter and Jordan release dates.

    Side rant: I REALLY hate when guys self-proclaim themselves as “good guys” “a good catch” etc. That’s like giving yourself a nickname (a la Swaggy P. But hey, that’s Swaggy P). Nicknames are earned. That title is given to you from the perception of your peers. “I’m a good guy”-guy, You ain’t sh*t

  • Sag4lifeandbeautiful

    I definitely agree. I have heard someone utter those words and here lately the men have been on the rise saying it. Great read.

  • Es Sully

    First of all, that pic is hilarious. ..shorty looks pathetic. But I totally agree with you. I don’t believe in complaining, especially when it comes to dating. You are super annoying and the amount of time you spend complaining could be used actually coming up with a solution. …