Why Men Don’t Put in Work in Dating

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“Why don’t men want to put in any work?”

I guess this is an age old question. Hell, I might get get a question like this at least once a week. It’s well documented that dating if nothing else can be tricky. So many nuances are involved. You’re always thinking so defensively. What should you be looking out for? Essentially isn’t that why  blogs like this exist? We seek to add perspective to give women a better idea. If nothing else, we’d love for you to leave here with clearer understanding of something.

When I deal with the miscellaneous things relationships bring I like to keep things simple. I thought about reasons I wouldn’t put in work for a woman. There was only one reason why I wouldn’t. If I had no interest in dating someone regularly then I wouldn’t feel inclined. Among the  litany of reasons we can come up with they all come back to that one. As a woman if you’re constantly wondering why you aren’t getting the treatment you desire, this could be why.

Truth be told with the advent of all these new tools in social media and online dating, guys are as impatient as ever. There’s so many women available to a man with a simple click or swipe. A woman can’t make a man patient (for the buns) by mandate. A woman makes a man patient by simply being a dope woman. If the chemistry you have with someone is legit a man won’t mind courting you. Guys are lazy with women who they feel isn’t worth the extra time and effort.

There’s nothing wrong with a guy’s logic here.

As women you all always reserve the right to drop a guy you’re talking to. Some of you have done so even when to the naked eye everything couldn’t be better. So always remember you’re not bound to any one person. If the vibe isn’t such that a guy isn’t courting you then you let that fish go.

Conversely, the women I have found to want to court held my interest in different areas.

Someone on instagram asked “What keeps a man after sex?” I simply told them that it’s case sensitive. But generally speaking if you’re laid back, funny and intelligent that’s a great start. On the point about being funny, well other people have to find you funny as well. Dating will be a thousand times easier for the ladies the less you tolerate bullsh*t. Bullsh*t is a general term. So what I mean by bullsh*t is tolerating anything that you feel you shouldn’t. The faster you move on the less time you’ll waste. It’ll be less time you’ll spend think about the bullsh*t.

Your guy is out there. He’s willing to put the work in. Maybe you’ve just been spending too much time on…the bullsh*t. We want better for you here at SBM. But that doesn’t mean much. You’ve got to want better for yourself. Let it start today.

What are your experiences being a guy not wanting to put in work with a woman? Ladies how have you experienced guys  who haven’t tried to court you?

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Brooklyn born dude trying to figure out this life just like you. Come on this journey with me. Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS  – Damn He Got A Point” (My Column) on Viral Status

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From Our Partners

  • Bread Back

    These Hoes Aint Loyal… FUK EM ALL!

    • Beauty In Truth

      “Today on Single Black Male we have “the REAL Chris Brown-recently released from a high security drug facility-giving us a rare and CANDID point of view. [SEE ABOVE] Thanks!”

      …Mother$@%&*3!!!!”…SBM will be taking a short break to survey the damage to our audio equipment…Please stand by…..

  • Animate

    As a guy, I determine who I want to court. Every woman gets put in some category that is unknown to her and only known to the guy. If I don’t want to seek a relationship with you, then I won’t do that. We can be the best of friends/associates/cut buddies/whatever but if I don’t want to go that way I will not.

    Also, courting. I’m probably not alone in my train of thought but everyone doesn’t get courted. Dating isn’t courting. A relationship isn’t necessarily courting. Courting has a purpose of a long term goal within the relationship.

  • http://www.lifeisablast.org Payne Well

    I find that the majority of the guys I date aren’t really trying to court, and I was stuck on “i’m a good woman, why are they not trying to put in the effort to get me”. I mean I asked male friends if they see faults, my girls too. I have found that some people aren’t worth your time and keeping it real with myself, I wasn’t really feeling those guys to want to have or put in that effort. SO at this time I’m just chilling. Unles he is willing to put in the effort i a not pressuring or making him do anything he doesnt want to do. However, i definitely am not giving my cookies up to someone who isn’t interested in cultivating more or who is being half a**ed. She can’t get wet for basic/bare minimum effort. I don’t think that’s stuck up but that’s knowing your worth and not letting any dude up in your personal area because he said a few nice words or texts.

  • Sunshine

    I think the problem that I’ve encountered is not that guys don’t want to “court” me, but rather, as time goes on and we’ve established a relationship, the complacency sets in and dates (by date, I don’t mean $200 date but rather going to the movies, getting a bite to eat, hitting the beach, etc.) seem to subside and are replaced by netflix nights and chilling at the crib. I’m a homebody so I’m not at all opposed to netflix nights but it seems all desire to leave the crib dissipates once you hit a certain mark?

    now is that due to getting comfortable, or just feeling like you don’t have to put in work anymore?

    • Mr. SD

      And this is where developing a friendship comes into play. Friends do stuff together. Its that simple. That friendship should then develop into something serious. I saw this reference to love the other day and it said something like ” love is not really gazing into ya partners eyes, love should be the bother of you gazing in the same direction. ” I believe when the base of your relationship is friendship then it make dating/netflix night/sex so much easier because the foundation for communication is already in place..

  • Beauty In Truth

    I will always say and believe that it is childish and stupid to sleep w/a man you are serious about long term without a commitment then wonder why it never comes! Commitment/testing/and papers before any of that goes down! It’s all about strategy. These women need to stop worrying so much about gettin any old negro that theyre too afraid to express their non-negotiables which means ALL is negotiable, including ur Vagina. The relationship factor is in YOUR ballpark ladies. Stop lettin these men play u for months and years on in all in the name of a damn instagram pic! Please! You don’t (bleep) before the commit is verbally expressed/proven f ur serious about a relationship….Survey says

    • Kinji Zakora

      Ok. So a man “commits verbally”. Then what? You think just because he says that it means he is telling the truth? Men lie. We will do anything and say anything for that warm wet greatness. Instead of demanding something from men that we will lie about anyways if we don’t feel that way truthfully, why don’t you observe how that man treats you and respond accordingly.

      There is no need to tell a man that he needs to commit. If you have to tell someone to do it, then more times then not they aren’t really interested in more than just sex.

      If a man wants to be in a committed relationship, he will show you without a woman having to ask. The problem is that many women cannot humble themselves and admit that the guy they like isn’t interested in commitment. But instead of moving on, they would rather pressure a man to do so which goes against our nature as men. Men do what they want to do when we want to and how we want to.

      Women need to choose accordingly to who the man is and not how he acts. We always eventually will show our true intentions to women good or bad.

      • Beauty In Truth

        I agree 100% w/that. I said “expressed” comittment. TANGIBLE. There’s always ways to tell. We are all subject to being plai But yiu know when youre being bsd.

      • Beauty In Truth

        I agree 100% w/that Zinji. WELL aware of the male ferociousness. I said “expressed” comittment.

        TANGIBLE: “Let’s go get our HIV test today babe.” TANGIBLE: “Here’s $50 on your phone bill. I know you had to help out your cousin this month.” TANGIBLE: “I don’t want you walking alone at nite so I’ll (commute 1 hr after wrk) to come and get you. TANGIBLE: “I bought you this thick azz study guide to help you on ya’ MCAT.” ….Without even asking.

        We are all subject to being played, but there are ALWAYS signs. ALWAYS.

  • Turk Dickerson

    I won’t “put in work” if I don’t feel like it’s going to bear fruit.

    I was recently in a situation where a woman initially reached out to me, but then communication was sporadic. As soon as I told her I was too busy, she suddenly became more available.

    I really didn’t play that game in my 20s, so trying to run that on me when I’m in my mid-30s? Please. It would amuse me if it wasn’t so pathetic.

    In short, I will court…but I will not chase.

    • Damnpops

      Yeah, I’m not much of a chaser at all. Interest should be mutual. I’m with you bruh

      • Beauty In Truth

        Define “chasing,” Cause dudes these days under age 34 think calling a woman on the phone vs insecure text/fb messages is “Doing too much” SOooooo…

        No you won’t get “fruit” if ur too lazy to water the seeds bruh. (Eye roll!)
        O_o

        • Damnpops

          Lol nooo I meant more like trying to do those things but not having the energy reciprocated

        • Kinji Zakora

          That’s fine. We just pick a different fruit. We still gonna eat regardless.

        • Turk Dickerson

          I hate to say it…but yeah.

          I was out with a woman, when a woman I pursued in the past approached me. She asked me later why I was with this other woman and not her. My answer was simple.

          “She called back. You didn’t.”

        • Turk Dickerson

          Chasing? Okay…

          You know that game where I call once, maybe twice, only to get your voicemail. Then, when I stop calling, I get a random text saying “Hey, you’re not talking to me?”

          That’s a game I’m not playing. If you’re into me, act like it. Reciprocity is crucial.

        • akumaforu dark

          I feel you man. But its obviously more to it than just that. Women are weighing there options now she was to busy dealing wih another dude to give you the time of day then once you back off then she wanted to talk. Nobody got time for that mess if your intersted say so if not let me know so I can move on im just saying.

    • Mr. SD

      ” I will court…but I will not chase “…..basically

  • h.h.h.

    i’ll court, but i wont chase, nor will i try to go after some lady whose walls are up and has built an impressive moat around said walls.

    i’ll find a better use of my life.

    • akumaforu dark

      With that being said mo every man are the same whoever hurt you in the past ladies deal with it before even trying to get in a relationship the new guy shouldn have to deal with your issues.

  • ennis

    Maybe the women are to blame for all the testing…..

    • Damnpops

      Elaborate bruh, there’s more there

  • JOhn Crawford

    Here’s the thing about “work” in 2014-
    The constant talk about Gender Wars, Street Harrassment and Rape Culture have soured and turned Guys Off- We can’t Say or even TRY to Approach a Woma because it is damn near NEVER the Right Time, Place, or even more curt- the Guy Himself is Not “the” Man SHE Wants Approaching.
    If Men and Women are “Equals”, and Most Women are all on the “Lean In/Independent Queen” Train, WHY in the Hayle are they STILL Expecting Guys-specifically Black Men, to stay Antiquated, aka Chilvarous while the Real World Facts of how behind Males are in Employment, Education, Social Situations (Stop and Frisk, Classroom to Prison Pipelines, Gun Violence, etc)? Every, Single, News-oriented Site and Blog has documented stories and Stats on this, especially the Gender Gaps NOT around Pay, but Let Women Speak, there’s a Dimentional Paradox or Behavioral Switch where Men go from Disadvantaged to the Patriarchal Tyrants depicted in/on Issues SPECIFICALLY AFFECTING THEM…..

    • JOhn Crawford

      We LOVE Ya’ll Ladies. Really. But this Double Speak is Ridiculous and while Yes, Men can be Hurt Bastards, the extremes that We Face can’t be used to Trash Us AND be used to Paint you all as Victims and Damsels in Distress- in the 21st Century in the U.S. of A

    • Beauty In Truth

      NAH DUDE. Ur comment is RUDE as fuk. Off topic. And condescending AND belittling!

      Sounds like: “What happened to the good ol days when men could just stalk women around in cars, cuss them out upon rejection, pressure and force sex from their dates, and have no REAL consequences?! You mean we have to treat women as HUMANS now?!!! MY FUDGING GOD!”

      “Need-to-GROW” PLEASE. I wouldn’t want you anywhere in my space with such E.R. attitudes! Check that nonsense! Cause us BW are always there for yall protests against the man. Aint seen a ONE of yall at any rape rallies or supporting the end of street harassing. Entitled negro!

      • JOhn Crawford

        You know damn well that’s not What I Said or what I Meant, but you just proved my point……. Stay Claiming Victim or Thinking like one all you want, doesn’t matter to me.
        You just pulled that “Good Ole Days” Garbage out your Arse when I JUST SAID there are PLENTY of Ladies that use the Same “Good Ole Days” to say Men USED to be Gentlemen and “Real”…………. Now, not only are Men NOT Gentlemen in 2014, we are so-called Monsters and have adopted Women-like Tendencies.
        Even on This Blog there have been posts/articles that said as much, but you Did Not Read Them or my Comment CORRECTLY, you Blatantly took what you WANTED to Hear and thus your Poor Excuse of a Response. It’s Sad, it’s Pathetic, but Bottom Line, you proved my Point

        • Beauty In Truth

          You MAD? Awwwwwhhhhh! ;)

      • JOhn Crawford

        Go to websites Besides this, like Very Smart Brothas, Thisisyourconsicence.com, Complex, Huffing Post Black Voices, ANY Place Black-Oriented and you will find Black Women AND Men speaking out on Street Harassing and Rape Culture!!!!
        MY Comment was MY Opinion of the Conversations that are going on Right Now that THIS Post-Men Not Putting In Work- gets Diluted or Ignores the discussion and strong Disputes OF Rape Culture and Street Harassment. How about You Grow Up, get some Reading Comprehension, Connect the Dots and have a more Thorough Conversation about how All of This can be used to Solve Issues of Men and Women- specifically Black Men and Women, instead of this Blame Game and Taking Shots all the Damn Time….

        • Beauty In Truth

          Negro aint nobody talkin about websites captin online drama. Im speakin real life action.
          U.R. DISMISSED.

        • JOhn Crawford

          If you too busy hanging around N!ggas then it makes sense that you haven’t seen or know the difference between them and Real Men.
          Now, YOU are Dismissed, Sweetie :)

        • Hed_busta

          This whole conversation right here is a damn shame. The man is simply trying to voice his opinion and clearly communicate with a sista, and gets knocked upside the head (and her comment gets 4 upvotes)

          Gone are the days where men need to be chivalrous, and this is why…we are beginning to feel like “why pay for a headache…aren’t they free”

          We (black men) will go back to old-school “chivalry” (i.e. courting, romancing, protecting, etc), when you (black women) go back to old school “strength” (i.e. nurturing, tending, supporting, RESTRAINT). Notice in that latter description that it doesn’t say anywhere that a woman’s strength is defined by her ability to win an argument or outwit her companion.

          Try being nice…you never know, it just might be an effective strategy.

        • Beauty In Truth

          I don’t want an anti-feminism male’s companionship. So I’ve lost nothing by standing my piece. Again too many of you men are entitled and feel women have no place to speak. Men of your ilk think it is “irritating” that in this day and age women can and are more than easy emotional simple tag along train wrecks. Wake up your mind! If logical women aren’t ur tea there are plenty of easy and non-thinking ratchets out there for you to toy with. No self respecting woman would submit to chauvinism.

          “Try being Nice” Equals: Please don’t have a strong stand about YOUR body and your ideas on men. It makes our lives sooo much easier.” It’s 2014…Try using some logic and reason in your replies. Not emotional huffing. It’s not freakin about winning. It’s about repect of women’s opinions and their ideas. I don’t have to negate that to you.

        • akumaforu dark

          What is her problem damn us men cant voice our opinion now. I agree with you man she truly dont know the difference between a n1gga or a real man. I bet when she she do find a real man she gona run him cause of her nasty attitude.

      • akumaforu dark

        I dont think thats what JOhn Crawford meant. Why you so angry first of all. Your the one who is off topic here.

  • Kinji Zakora

    Men put in work for what they want. We always have and we always will. The question should be why do some women continue to HOPE for a man to change even though he has shown who he truly is.

    If a man isn’t putting in good effort for a woman, it just means that he isn’t really interested in the first place. But we’ll still have sex with said woman though regardless of interest level. That’s just the animal in us.

    But when we see someone we are truly interested in, we put in the work and then some.

  • langwichartz

    Just curious, is there any “work” that females are expected to put in? Since we are supposed to be living in times of equality between sexes, just a question.

    • Beauty In Truth

      1. Giving you the non negots up front AND being steadfast about them.
      2. Letting go of the indept woman thing so you can take the lead (in the relationship),
      3.Taking your word when you “legit” miss a date/are late to something/Not over analyzing text/email reply time frames (tho people like to fk with others on this if your serious you shouldnt be playing “Im gonna’ wait 5hrs b4 I reply” games)
      4. Being honest in personality UP FRONT. If she doesnt curse but wants to come across “like the homies” and goes along with it just because. Or if she pretends to like sports just cause you like them salty Raiders or the no bueno Miami Heat or some other nonsense (haha).
      5. Not feeling guilty about your love gestures: fixing her tire cause she can’t afford it right now. Carrying up her grocieries. Offering to pay for things even tho she has money.
      ***6. Not expecting you to drop all lifelong female friends or big booty follows because she came into the scene. Cause I ain’t droppin’ mine!

      • langwichartz

        I appreciate the response and overall I can dig it. However it still sounds like a little gender role posturing to me. In my opinion, we make too many rules that limit us from achieving pure organic connections. We spend most of our time trying not to get “took” that we don’t honestly have much to give. I’m speaking generally of course. If real love is what you’re looking for then it involves a fair amount of risk. Otherwise we are just independent interpersonal contractors looking for the best deal.

        • Beauty In Truth

          Please elaborate on how that list is “posturing.” Im now baffled. What more shud be done? They aren’t so much rules as they are just being real upfront guidelines?

        • langwichartz

          Forgive my wording if it comes off antagonistic. I merely was just observing your set ideals in regards to dating. Personally I feel that we aren’t very adaptable to one another as individuals. I could tell you its going to be sunny, but if it rains can you adapt to the change of environment. People nowadays want Quick Instant Grits as it relates to people. I’m all for standards, but we have gotten to a place where we blur the lines between standards and unrealistic expectations.

        • Damnpops

          amazing point there

  • Es Sully

    I like to build friendships before dating….I find that when a man is first my friend, he shows a great amount of loyalty and respect. He works harder because there is a meaningful friendship involved that he wants to salvage. If it works out, I have a lover and a friend. If it doesn’t, we walk away with a mutual respect for one another.

    • Kinji Zakora

      You do realize that you are manipulating that guy into being your friend. Why should a man be your friend first before you date? Why can’t you date the man while enjoying his friendship as well?

      Also, who’s to say that you are interesting enough for him to want to be your friend? He could just be sticking around just to eventually date you since that is your requirement.

      Why not see what a man is about and date him?