How To Get Off The Dating Rollercoaster 101

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You’ve reached a point where you’re tired of exerting energy into the wrong guys so you take time to re-evaluate yourself and your approach to dating. Then, finally, one day you wake up and say “Okay, I’m ready to get back out there and try again” only to find yourself in the same cycle, repeating the same behavioral patterns as before. You ask yourself how you wound up here…AGAIN? Well, I know that’s what I’ve asked myself on numerous occasions especially when I thought that I had taken time to access and re-access…you know the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s of the short lived dating cycle. Usually, when one finds themselves in this cyle contributing factors such as:

  1. Believing that you are not good enough to wait for what you deserve
  2. Trust issues
  3. Oblivious to your past relationship faux pas
  4. Insecurities/self-esteem issues
  5. Allowing your impatience to impede the natural progression of the relationship by adding pressure of having a title versus focusing on building a strong foundation of friendship –and-
  6. Being afraid to set standards, boundaries, and expectations and hold the other party accountable of adhering to them.

May attribute to your inability to allow your relationship to flow naturally. Often times, as women, the volume on our biological clock is on 10 which drowns out our logical reasoning skills and sends us into fight or flight mode. Therefore, we tend to dash past friendship to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage without truly knowing who we are getting involved with until we are in too deep and things have taken a turn for the worse. We often times forget that we have more control on the direction of the relationship than we think that we do. Do not be afraid to express your desire for a committed relationship. Some women think that if you clearly state that you want a committed relationship then you will scare the guy away because he may feel pressured. FALSE…men respect women that confidently state what they want and stick to it. For instance, if you express your desire for a relationship and he states that he is not ready or he is not looking for a girlfriend/wife; then you know that you guys are not on the same page so it’s okay to walk away and find someone that is.

Please know that it is not a curse to be single. If you are single know that it is okay to not date for a while. Take time to work on yourself and assess your dating habits. Sometimes you have to step away from a situation to gain clarity on your next course of action. However, during this time take a look in the mirror and get to know the person that’s staring you in the face (for those of you who say that I already know myself…well get reacquainted with yourself). Remember, we are whom we attract. The men/women that you date are a reflection of yourself and what you are putting out into the universe. Take time to decide what type of relationship will make you happy, what type of man you would like to date, what characteristics are most important to you, and what are your deal breakers? Hopefully, your biggest take away from this article is to make sure that you are happy first. When you are happy and emotionally healthy then you will attract someone like you.

Please feel free to comment below. I would love to hear your feedback.

Saretha

Saretha is a Certified Life Coach, specializing in lifestyle management and relationship coaching, with a background in psychology and addiction counseling. She received her bachelor’s degree from Clark Atlanta University located in Atlanta, Georgia. Saretha decided to follow her passion of helping individuals build and maintain healthy relationships because she knows first hand how imperative healthy relationships are in contributing to the overall progression of personal development. However, most importantly the love and growth of self is the fueling force behind the creation of Introspectively Speaking.

 

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  • http://www.OpinionatedMale.com/ Mr SoBo

    Saretha, I commend you on this piece. Honestly, I was expecting the typical scapegoating so common in write ups directed at a female audience, but the advice and suggestions you make here are absolutely spot on.

    Its surprising how many people out there do not value being truly single. Alone time is invaluable more than we know. Many folks tend to swing from relationship to relationship with as little as a breath in between each one. Ultimately (as you so eloquently pointed out) making the same mistakes repeatedly from one relationship to the next, never truly understanding why. Then the frustration that comes with this is often misdirected – to the opposite sex, i.e (there are no good such and such out there, all so and so want is sex, etc).

    I will be the first to admit that men do appreciate, and more importantly respect, women with standards and clear boundaries of what they want and doesn’t want. The wishy washy types and the talkers often find themselves unfulfilled and entertaining a literal parade of men and going nowhere fast situationships. As you so rightfully alluded to, women do set the tone of EVERY type of relationship they find themselves in and the men adjust accordingly. I’ll stop here.

    Anyway, great write up.

    Mr. SoBo
    OpinionatedMale.com

    Check out: Its The Little Things: 6 Ways Embracing A Lil’ Humanity Can Improve Your Life

    And..“10 Movie Titles You Wouldn’t Want Synonymous With Your Relationship”

  • JT

    Co-signing this!!! Well stated here, sister ;-)

    • Saretha Pyant

      Thanks for reading and sharing your feedback!

  • onyxsta

    “It is not a curse to be single”
    I whole heartedly agree with that
    Modern culture would have us believe we have failed if we are not in a successful relationship by a certain age. I say to what end does it serve cushioning oneself in a union for the benefit of being in a union and not much else?

    BLEURGH – http://www.bleurghnow.com

    • Damnpops

      talk about it

    • Saretha Pyant

      Thanks for reading and sharing your feedback! Honestly, the brunt of the “pressures” that this generation receives is from the “baby boomer” generation where they married and birthed kids young (prior to 30 and many prior to 25). Their focus was family and providing then career (which is not necessarily a bad thing) however, “our” generation is much more career oriented so that we can better align our lives, as much as possible, to provide for our family prior to getting married.

  • Stacey

    Number 5 and 6 are me. I give “chances” to go on dates with me because I let men convince me. Although my instinct tells me it won’t work. Then one date later dude is trying to convince me why I should still see him and I am explaining that I am not interested. So I basically make more work for myself.

    And realized pretty late that a man won’t entertain you or do things for you and go out of his way unless he really likes you. I totally get it now lol. Won’t be second guessing my self anymore.

    Also not willing to settle just to say I got a man. I have basic qualifications that I require like supportive, goal oriented, active/or the ability to be, open minded, basically be a good person.

    Some men won’t try new things. Yes this is a deal breaker for me because trying new things is basically what I do every weekend.

    I usually have a hard time accepting that the men that like me think I’m great. Still working on that, kind of faking it til I make it.

  • BlueBelle

    Let me start by saying that I appreciate the attempt here to
    highlight some obvious relationship pitfalls that many women succumb to – often
    subconsciously – cyclically repeating self-destructive and sabatoging
    behaviors. Having said that, I must
    admit that I’m somewhat disappointed in this article, probably because I had
    higher expectations based on the title.
    I thought I was going to get insight into ways to move from
    “dating” to a “relationship”. Frankly, I’m kind of tired of hearing people
    say how wonderful it is to be single, have “alone time”, or work on
    yourself. Maybe being single is not a
    curse, but when you’ve been alone for a long time and you would prefer not to
    be, it can certainly feel like it.

    I’m an attractive, well-spoken, 44-year-old, well-educated,
    professional, childless, single woman. I
    own my own home and vehicle, keep in shape, have all my teeth and no hideous
    disfigurements. I shower, brush my teeth
    and comb my hair every day (often multiple times a day). I maintain hobbies, have widepread interests,
    interact regualarly with friends and family, love to cook, and keep not one
    cat. I have a great sense of humor and a
    generally sunny disposition. Oh, and
    I’ve been single since the 90′s. That’s
    right, it’s been over 15 years since I was in a committed relationship. Now, don’t take this as a “woe is
    me” piece, because that;s not the point.
    I’m just sick of so-called relationship gurus refusing to acknowledge
    that there is a segment of the population that may be competely healthy, fully
    self-actualized, mentally mature and relationship ready, but there is just no
    one out there for them to be with. The
    Universe doesn’t always give you back what you put out, there may not be a lock
    for every key, shoe for every foot, butt for every chair or any number of other
    cliches I can think of. I am the monster
    under the bed of every woman who justifies staying in a bad relationship by
    saying they don’t want to end up like me.
    I’m that friend who people look at, scratch their heads and say “I
    don’t know why she’s single”. And
    you know what, I’m kind of annoyed that the “experts” keep pretending
    that I – and others like me – don’t exist.
    I want some advice on what someone like me should be doing. I’m hoping that’s not too much to ask.