Home Advice Why Loving Yourself Is More Than Just A Cliche

Why Loving Yourself Is More Than Just A Cliche


There is no shortage of Instagram posts about relationships.

They range from joking about exes to $200 dates etc. I want to talk about breakups today. I want to talk about breakups and why loving yourself is the biggest component in getting over things. I know someone who recently broke up with a woman after having been together several years. This woman is in her late 40’s, Caucasian, and has some deep rooted issues by way of lack of self esteem.

To make a sort of long story short, this woman won’t allow the person I know to have his space after the breakup. She’s distraught which is to be expected. But she continues to taunt him by saying she wants to kill herself because he’s no longer in her life. She admitted to him while they were together that she had these tendencies anyway. What I try to tell him is that her suicidal tendencies are deeper than their relationship. If she states that all she wants is him again, then why would she have had those thoughts with him prior? It doesn’t make sense to me.

 I told him that she is refusing to even try to move on.

He encourages her to seek help but she thinks it would be to no avail. Ultimately I told him what we’ve all heard so many times before. She doesn’t love herself. All of her interests, everything she was into was linked to him and only him.

My usual advice when it comes to breakups is to maintain space between yourself and the person you’re no longer seeing. Also, it’s important to fill your time with things that will uplift your spirits. Be around people that make you feel good, remind yourself of how amazing you are. Read and find new ways to better yourself. These are all  things that have helped me in the past. These are also none of the things that this woman is seeking to do.

We must continue to be our most full selves.

I don’t know if I subscribe to the idea of someone completing you. It’s too important to be complete in your own right. The person we want to be serious with we should also want for them to be complete people as well. What do I consider being complete? I will say that it may be relative. But to me, being complete entails having interests that are exclusive to you. Having things that you put your time into. Having passions that you actively pursue no matter what it may be can attribute to a person being complete.

In the aforementioned woman’s case, she had no interests outside of the man she was seeing. So essentially, once he left, so did everything that brought her some joy. This clearly illustrates why it’s important to have love of self prior to dating someone. There’s no reason you should want to end your life over a breakup. I’m still pretty convinced that this woman’s issues are deeply rooted somewhere else. But I am also convinced that this woman would be dealing with this breakup much easier if she spent time cultivating true interests and passions of her own.

Breakups happen.

We’ve all been there. They can be ugly. They can be upsetting. They can be illogical even. But they are in fact a reality. Without having other hobbies or passions, we would end up stuck. That’s not good for anyone involved. Filling your time with positive vibes and affirmations would be the best recipe for moving on. I encourage all of you to have interests and hold them dear to you. so many other people can come and go, but those passions will always be there. They’ll be your refuge. They’ll be a catalyst to recovery. If you don’t cultivate such things, you’re liable to be a much grumpier person, one that no one would want to date.

How do you all get over breakups? What’s important to you that you do for yourself in between relationships? Let’s get into it.

These are my words and I make no apologies.

DamnPops is a writer and podcaster on the staff at SBM: “I’m not a biter, I’m a writer for myself and others. ” Follow me on Twitter @DamnPOPS and @NegroPPodcast . Also, subscribe on iTunes to the Negro Please Podcast and visit our website here!

  • Esther Sully

    This article is so true. I try to preach it to as many men/women that I can but it doesn’t seem to sink in. I have know people much like the woman described here. But what I mostly find are the people who can’t be alone. They jump from relationship to relationship with no gap or time for self reflection and love. This is a sad trend that eventually leads to a life of continued lack of fulfillment…because we are not taking the time to fulfill ourselves. We are always jumping to the next person to, as you say, complete us.