5 Ridiculous Things Men Expect of Women
1. Be a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets.
This is actually a perfectly sound requirement, except for the fact that most men panic and run for the hills when they actually acquire it. We all have the that one guy friend that is unfaithful to his woman for some variation of the following reason, “I can’t let her do [insert random sexual act here] to me. That’s what the side chick is for!” You’re our friend, so we nod and say “I know, right?” but in reality we think you’re an idiot, because you are an idiot. Meanwhile your lady is either unsatisfied or stepping out of the relationship to do all the things you think you can’t do to her with some other guy who is treating your main woman like a side woman. Don’t be that guy, bro.
2. Telling random women to smile.
If a woman is looking you in the face and you have to tell her to “Smile!” you already lost. Leave these busy women alone! No one wants to smile at you, bro! Asking a woman to smile is like asking a woman for a kiss and you will be equally un-successful in your pursuits. Don’t be that guy, bro.
3. Expecting a woman to cook.
All jokes aside, this is a personal pet peeve of mine for a number of reasons. For one, what do men who expect women to cook do all the other days of the year they don’t have a woman? Do you starve? Do you survive on ramen noodles and diced hot dogs? I’m really confused. Please explain. Secondly, women work just as much as men now. Exactly when do they have time to sit down and cook you a meal that you 1) couldn’t cook yourself or 2) couldn’t cook for both of you? 3) I mean, are you at least washing the dishes, brother? If you weigh less than 150 pounds, I might have to fight you in her honor. Lastly, exactly which type of woman do you expect to cook for you? If you say anything short of a woman you are in a committed and faithful relationship with please proceed to the final sentence of this paragraph.
Addendum for men who aren’t in committed relationships that still expect women who aren’t their mothers to cook for them: Please locate the tallest building within a 10-mile radius, go to that building, find the highest unsecured accessible window within that building, go to that window, say the Lord’s prayer, grab the cuff of your shirt, proceed to fling yourself out that window by the cuff of your shirt.
4. Expect her to stay the exact same (e.g. never gain weight).
A power stronger than myself forced me to add this one against my will as punishment for authoring this post, WHICH I STILL STAND BY!
5. Have non-crazy reactions to events that warrant crazy reactions.
As Dr. J explained, you can’t tell a woman to “calm down.” Furthermore, you expecting a woman to remain calm when you have done something that warrants a non-calm reaction is unreasonable. There are times when a woman’s emotions are, let’s call it, “misplaced.” Other times, a woman’s emotions are so well-placed it is outright irresponsible of you to expect her emotions to be placed anywhere other than where they rightly belong – squarely upon you, the very source of her emotional reaction. During these times, please don’t act like the guy who doesn’t understand why she’s acting crazy when it is completely your fault and you know it. Grant her the serenity of temporary emotional insanity and do nothing more than guard your nether regions from a swift kick/punch and reassure her that her reaction is perfectly reasonable from behind whatever piece of refortified furniture you deem strong enough to protect you from being murdered.
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