Let’s be honest, we can’t get away from it.  We’ll probably be dealing with the fad until at least the end of the month.  If you guys follow me on Twitter, @DrJayJack, you know that I despise trending topics.  I only get involved with a trending topic every once in a while, just to show that I could probably do them better than most people.  When it comes to a fad like the, “Stuff ______ Say,” I only chose to get involved because I’m starting to see a few that were funny.  Then I google’d to see if anyone else had written about this, I found a really wack video on Youtube that wasn’t really all that funny.  Full disclosure: Everything she said in that video was true, but it just wasn’t funny.  Shout out to the Editor-in-Chief, Slim Thugga Jackson who says, “I was reading this article on ProBlogger the other day” at least three times a week.

Anyway, let’s get into it.  When I was making this list, I thought about the subject lines or typical topics that come across the Google Reader.

“What’s the real Ivy, Harvard or Howard?”

Want to start a firestorm?  Talk about the differences between Predominantly White Institutions and Historically Black Colleges and Universities.  This is deeper than Bloods and Crips.  Personally, I got in an argument the other day with someone about why I thought “Sh*t White Girls say to Black Girls was a tad racist.”  I said, “You must not have been around white people all that much.”  In my mind, I said, “You probably went to Howard.”  And she said, “I went to Cornell.”  The thing is you can’t change where you go to school halfway through, but we’re all jealous of each other.  If you go to a PWI, you can’t make it out of the four years without saying, “I’m tired of these same Black chicks.”  (Strong instigator of interracial dating.)  If you go to an HBCU, you can’t make it out of the four years without saying, “I’m tired of these [negros].”  (You do your own mental edit.)

“I could never date a woman who isn’t Black” or “I decided to stop dating dating Black women.”

This is where you separate the Radicals from the Stans.  A Stan will write a blog and tell you why he doesn’t believe in Interracial Dating, after that it’s a bunch of crap that sounds like, “I can probably get some [women] off this.”  A Radical will write a blog and tell you why he doesn’t date Black women anymore, after that it’s a bunch of crap that sounds like, “I really enjoy pissing off sisters.”  Here’s what I’ll say about this topic; people should date who they want to date.  People shouldn’t come up with reasons for it either.  However, because we love talking about things that really are personal, we will keep talking about this.  Personally, I don’t know how you can have this conversation.  Do you want to hear about why the dude dates outside the family?  Or, do you want to know what he thinks is wrong with the family?  Either way he loses.

“The real reason why he won’t commit is because of these 8 things.”

Women use the Internet like grandparents.  Men use the Internet like the pedophiles they are.  When a man breaks up with a woman or strikes out for the night, he solves his feeling of rejection with Tumblr.  When a woman has a break up or a man who won’t commit, they go to Google and type in their question.  After that they spend hours reading articles that will just depress the heck out of them.  I mean, they spend hours.  There’s Waiting to Exhale on the TV, a bottle of Riesling, her Macbook and hours of blog on “[Some random number] Reasons Why He Won’t Commit.”  And I won’t lie, men sometimes in between Tumblr sites listen to a little Drake and want to know, “Why didn’t she pick me?”  And so they need an article or two as well.  A few things about this topic is there’s really only one reason why a man doesn’t commit, “He didn’t want to be with you.”  No he didn’t move and didn’t want to be in a long distance relationship, if Halle asked him today he’s be the other man in a long distance relationship.  He may have told you he is not ready to settle down, if Adriana Lima asked him right now, he’d be ready to grow gray hair, stack paper, buy a ring, and prepare himself for Home Depot Saturdays.  If you want to know why, go in the bathroom and look in the mirror, “That’s why.”

Whatever we care about for the last three days, that we make ultra-important but afterwards, we don’t give a rat’s ass.

Listen, bloggers tweeted about Troy Davis for two whole days, and then once they executed him, they went back to Wrestling and Real Housewives of Atlanta.  We are all certified Virtual Freedom Fighters.  We will fight for you for as long as you’re in the spotlight, because deep down we want to be in that spotlight.  But that has to happen from my couch because this post got to get up by midnight.  The other day, I seen someone who went to Ohio State tweet, “RIP Joe Paterno.”  I thought to myself, “Stop lying, you just want someone to RT your ish.”

“You have to understand that it’s not sexist, it’s just nature.  There are things that men can do that women can’t do.”

Let’s talk about demographics of blogging.  Men are reading this, right now.  But they don’t want another man to know that they are supporting him.  That type of stuff only happens on Techie blogs, never with relationships, there’s chicks to be had here.  So what you have to do in order to have an uber successful blog, is either be a complete simp or piss some sisters off.  Want to piss someone off?  Talk about something they can’t change; school, race, gender, or sexual history.  Every woman is a little self-conscious about her sexual history and her only defense mechanism is saying, “Men do it all the time.”  So we write a blog that tells you that you’re wrong and you’re only chance in life is accepting that you can’t do something that men do.  The best I ever heard was the big home Nova, “The next time a woman tells you she can do whatever a man does, ask her if she can pee standing up.”  My feelings on the subject, “Maybe some men shouldn’t do some of the things they do.”

This person's sex life sucks.

“Here’s what you need to do to get a man.  What?  Yeah, I’m single, I’m happy by myself.”

I thought about titling my next eBook, “Blog for Women” and doing a podcast where I say, “Blogging, b*tches, blogging, b*tches, b*tches, and blogging, blogging and b*tches until all of it switches.”  Truth be told, blogging is one of the easiest ways to end up single, or at least have some headaches in your relationship.  But wait… that don’t mean we can’t tell you how to get a man or pull a ratchet.  We are all certified relationship experts, but most of us are single.  I’d say the female bloggers struggle with it more than us.  But yeah… we don’t know what we talking about, but we just know how to sound good talking.  We give advice that we don’t take ourselves.  We tell you how to get a man to commit and what makes wifey material and might be single as the last Newport in the box.  Personally, I have never proclaimed that I was an expert.  Here’s what I can tell you though, I hear about a LOT of people’s relationships everyday all day, I’ve got some theories out of that.  And last but not least, isn’t that the beauty of SingleBlackMale.org?  We’ve got a dude on here at each stage of the relationship cycle.  Want to know about marriage?  Talk to Mr. Spradley.  My dad told me to only fear two things, God and Marriage, I’m sticking to it… for now.

That’s my list, not much more to say about it.  As I stated before, we’ll probably be talking about this until the end of the month or at least until everyone gets their refund checks and tweets about it.  This is not an exhaustive list, I’m sure you can think of a few more, so make sure you add them in the comments along with your thoughts with why these topics are so viral.

- Dr. J

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

THIS IS MY YEAR THO!!!

December 31st, 2:45am. I just took my coat off, bought some drinks and celebrated life with good friends. I heard Chevy Ridin High come on, and went ape shit. That used to be my track back in the day! Suddenly, without warning or inclination, it hit me that in less than 24 hours, we would hit another year! It startled me, because I felt that for all the confidence I exude, for some reason I wasn’t ready for this New Year! Don’t ask me why, but I zoned out for a minute.

Did I have any goals for 2012? Did I make good on my 2011 goals? Was this going to be “my year?” That’s when I had to stop and think to myself “What would WIM do?” After I realized it would be THIS, I knew that I was officially buggin, and needed to calm down a bit. Proclaiming that a year will be yours is setting yourself up for failure, and better, more focused action needs to be taken to make those fantasies a reality.Does it piss you off too when people proclaim 20___ to be their year? Like word? Do you have a 7 page action plan with a timeline and milestones to accomplish this goal? if you don’t I no longer respect these declarations of premature victory.

You see, many times we put way too much energy in our dreams instead of the means by which we attain our dreams. I’m not hating on a positive outlook for the upcoming year, but I think I would be way more impressed in a course of action. I have been guilty of this in my younger years, because I wanted to speak it into existence and i truly felt like it was the case. Looking back, I didn’t even do the basics to make sure the new year would be a win for me. Hell,I didn’t ever really know WHATI wanted to accomplish really. Goals like “mad mad money and slay tons of women” are too broad and guess what: a lot of people have those same goals! What’s going to separate you form the competition? One thing that helps is goal writing and goal monitoring.

I don’t write resolutions, I write goals with key points and more clearly: DEADLINES! if I say “I want to pay off my credit card bill in 2012”, that’s too broad. You can fall into a habit of procrastination, and put things off until later. Soon you will wake up and it will be December 2012, and you will have nothign to show for your nicely written goals. So modify that to say “I will pay off my credit card bill by June 2012”. You know you have 6 months, and most of us perform better under pressure, so once you’re on the clock, it’s time to work!

The second part to goal setting is to monitor these goals throughout the year. So what if you set a deadline?! How will you know your status unless you monitor it daily/weekly/monthly. I hate status meetings at work. They get tedious and boring and annoying, but they help like you wouldn’t believe. Status documents tell you exactly where you are and what you need to complete your tasks. I would be lost as work, at writing, and at life, if i didn’t monitor these goals constantly to see if any tweaks or changes are necessary to stay on track and reach my goal. Quantitative data is a godsend, and numbers don’t lie. Perform the proper analysis of your goals in order to actually achieve them!

I’ve been patient in my life. Goals have been attained at a pace. The classic Tortoise vs. Hare debate. I look at life like a game of chess *Lauryn Hill Voice*. All the pieces are now in place, and I have to implement my strategy to checkmate. 2012 is the time for that, not because it’s “my year”, but because there’s no time like the present!

Sure, I’ve failed at goals. I had certain fitness goals that I hit but didn’t maintain. Some goals didn’t come to fruition. Most I did accomplish. My data shows me where I went wrong, and now I have a new set of lists of goals. This has helped me in all facets of life and I think this is better than a “resolution”. For the people that want 2012 to be their year, I say you can have it. While you think about winter, I’ll think about the summer, and I’ll have the data to prove my dream is real.

Prospero Año y Felicidad!

StreetZ

Special Note: Today marks the 1,000th post on SBM! Make it a good one and help us get off (pause) to a strong start in 2012!

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Streetz.

As any of you that follow my personal blog or have me on BBM know, I was a part of Tom Venuto’s BFFM inner circle summer fitness contest. It’s basically a 14 week contest where those who show the most change win prizes. You have to use principle’s he established in his books, but for the most part it’s a fitness and wellness contest. I attribute my health research, especially finding that e-book, with helping me change my body and get into better shape.

I joined the contest because 1) I wanted the free trip to Maui and 2) I wanted to challenge myself to get better. Throughout this time period, I had good weeks and bad weeks. I made significant progress and had weeks of setback. Real life set in, with work getting crazy and life overall getting hectic. I was able to overcome it at times, and succumbed to it at others. When the contest was all send and done, I got the following results:

As you can see, I gained lean muscle and lost body fat and fat lbs, while only losing 1.2 lbs overall. I got a little frustrated because my gains weren’t up to my impossible standards, but I took a lot away from this contest that will help me in my ongoing fitness journey:

Challenging yourself is the best way to stay motivated

There were many days where I had no more f*cks to give about fitness. I was tired in the morning, and just wanted to rest. I didn’t feel like going to the gym to see “The Africans” aka my home boys who lift boulders and runs cardio like a pride of lions mistook them for a gazelle. However I knew that I would need to motivate myself, so I set weekly fitness goals and tried my best to achieve them. I would normally treat myself to a snack, or buy something that isn’t within my budget (._.). When I would see that the goal was met, it only hyped me to keep going. I wanted to lift more than the previous week, run farther, and exceed expectations.

Record your progress

I can’t stress this enough. We don’t see results on a daily basis and this will cause us to get frustrated. The best way to track your progress is to record EVERYTHING! Keep a food journal, writing down everything you eat and drink, and its nutritional property. it will help you focus on eating right, and see where you need to cut or increase calories and nutrients.

Record your workouts. Write down the exercises you perform. For weights/calisthenics, write down your reps and weights used. This way, you know your threshold, and can accurately determine how much weight to use on the same exercise the following week. If you run, record the number of miles. Use Nike+ or one of those other apps to document the duration and length of your cardio workout. Write down your goals, and read them throughout the day. Mental focus is as important as physical effort. Take pictures and measurements weekly. I was shocked when I saw pics of me in 2010 and now. It’s like night and day! I made a lot of progress, but didn’t “see” it initially. Keeping tabs on all your progress invigorates you and motivates you to be your best!

Setbacks happen. Overcome them.

I emotionally eat when I’m under severe stress and don’t work out. I missed workouts. I had wack workouts. I was discouraged, but I didn’t quit. There’s no need to quit. No one wins all the time. No one reaches their goal on the first try all the time. Your fitness failures will serve as a blueprint on the pitfalls you may encounter, and how to overcome them in the future. If I know I had a bad workout, I make the next one better. If I eat like a pig for days on end, I scale back and refocus. No need to kill yourself for eating bad. Enjoy life! Just keep it all in perspective and keep the focus on your goals.

Enjoy the progress you do make

People don’t get the roses while they can still smell em – Kanye West. My homie Roxi broke this down and it made so much sense! I’ve made killer progress over the past year, but my mind is always focused on the next goal. I never sit back and say “hey this is excellent progress!”. I’m never satisfied, but this can be a negative too. If you always look for the next challenge, without enjoying the victories along the way, you will only get disappointed in the end. I read this in 48 Laws of Power (and I think Art of War too), where constant conquest can end in ruin. Think of the dictator who wants to constantly expand the empire. Eventually it becomes too much and it implodes. Think the same way about your fitness goals. Stop, smell the roses, say “I did good” and then go to the next challenge. Appreciate the small accomplishments to be better prepared for the challenges of the future.

So what lessons have you learned from fitness? any other great tips to share? Let us know, we’re always learning.

StreetZ alias P90 S

P.S. – if you want some more fitness information, or want to read about my random fitness efforts, check Streetztalk.net, my personal blog.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Streetz.

We’d met three years prior on a day trip organized by a mutual friend. On that day we left behind whatever was going on in our real lives and let ourselves be baptismically immersed in the innocent flirtations our attraction forced us to face. An hour or so into the ride home, I put my arm around her as she nestled into the sweet spot between my shoulder and chest and we drifted off to sleep. It’s amazing how intimate the simple act of falling asleep with someone can be; you wake up feeling closer and more connected to them, as if you’d spent the last few hours dancing together through decades in Inception-like dreams. But we woke up and the waking reality of where we were at that point in our lives paled in comparison to the magic we’d captured in that other world. We talked for a month or two after the trip but it just wasn’t the same.

Have you ever had one of these experiences where you spend a few hours or days of perfection with a person someplace outside of your real, daily life? Did you try to maintain the relationship after? How did it work out? In my experience, these sorts of relationships rarely succeed. Relationships work better when they are founded against the backdrop of your typical, everyday circumstances. What do you think?

Three years later after reconnecting through the same mutual friend, we’re laying in bed, my arm is around her, and she’s back in her sweet spot. We’d spent the prior month or so doing the things two people who think they’re falling for each other do. Going out on dates, talking on the phone till the wee hours of the morning, playing the “hang up on the count of 3” game only to laugh hysterically when we get to 3 and neither of us hangs up. You know, all of that corny stuff that feels special and worthwhile at the time. And then we made love and it was good … really good. Now we’re seeing each other. There were no “so what are we” conversations but both of our intentions seemed clear. Everything was moving along quite nicely when three years after initially meeting one another, two months after reconnecting, and one month after having begun sleeping together, I was caught a little off guard when while laying in bed she looked up at me and said “I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to be real … I have a boyfriend.” She proceeded to tell me how she’d been with dude for about a year and a half but also how the relationship had been dying a slow death for the last six months. She told me about how poorly he’d treated her and how she’d wanted to leave but couldn’t muster the courage. I sat there silently digesting all she said realizing that as each of her words passed we grew closer to the inevitable end of our affair. Her selfishness didn’t anger me and I wasn’t the least bit bothered that she’d made me an unwitting accomplice to her infidelity. My disappointment lay in the fact that her actions put a definitive expiration date on something I’d hoped would be indefinite.

When she finished pouring out her heart, she looked up at me and asked “so, what do you think I should do?” I knew what she wanted me to say. In her mind, I was supposed to tell her that she should leave him and be with me, that I cared for her, and that I wanted her for myself. I said no such thing. “I think you should go back to him,” I told her. I told her that she needs to go back to him and figure out what she wanted or what she didn’t want out of their relationship – irrespective of me. I told her that our relationship, at this point, had very little chance of success because all of her feeling for me were comparative and not intrinsic. She liked me because I was not him – and while that’s fun for now, it’s not a strong enough foundation to build a lasting relationship upon. I told her that her leaving him for me would put too much pressure on our relationship, making it impossible for it to grow naturally … organically; she’d always be comparing what she has to what she left. She tried her best to convince me that her feelings for me were “real” and not based on how I compared to him but I was unmoved.

Have you ever left one person for someone else? How did that the two relationships compare? Would you describe the second one as successful? Also, how do we feel about the idea of “taking” someone’s girl/guy. Does the mistreatment of your love interest by their significant other justify you snatching them away? Is that the act of a hero or a nave?

We cut off all communication with each other for awhile to give her time to sort through all of her emotions. As you might have guessed, two weeks later they were broken up and she was once again searching for her sweet spot with me. When she came back, she listed for me all the reasons why they broke up. She did her best to make it clear to me that she was totally over him and over the relationship and she even told me that them breaking up didn’t necessarily mean her and I would get together. She said all of the right things and we slowly settled back into seeing each other. I liked her a lot and I loved spending time with her, but despite all this, something just didn’t seem right. The emotional freedom that existed at the beginning of our affair was gone, replaced by a barely noticeable but inescapable sense of impending doom. Prior to her revelation, we’d never argued and now we’d find ourselves in awkward little tiffs. We’d never grow tired of each other’s company and now we were beginning to annoy each other.

The boiling point came one evening after a particularly uninspired round of togetherness. Laying there, I told her that I didn’t think we were going to work. That it was probably best if we ended it here before the annoyance and discontent permeating our relationship grew into hatred and loathing. She didn’t take this so well (it was here that I learned that breaking up right after sex is not such a good idea). We argued. Really, she argued. She fought for us. First telling me that she would not let me give up on “us” so easily; that she would not let me run from my feelings. It took almost an hour to show her that she didn’t really believe that was the case. Then her hurt turned to anger as she accused me of using her, of taking what I wanted from her without ever giving her anything in return, but she didn’t believe that either. Finally, her brain too tired to hide what she really felt, from the overflow of heart came the truth: “I just feel like … I left him for you, and now you’re leaving me.” She realized what her words meant as soon as she said them. The tears dried and she began to calm. It was then that she came to know what I already knew: it would never have worked. Relationships are fragile and romance is delicate. Everything counts – from when you meet to how you meet to why you meet – it’s all important. All the pieces matter. We learned this together … at the end of our affair.

What do you guys think? Did I do the right thing in ending things? Should I have given the relationship more of an opportunity to flourish? Have you ever been in a similar situation? Ever been intimate with someone only to find out they had a boyfriend or girlfriend? What lessons have you learned as the result of failed relationships?

Allow me to reintroduce myself…

Lastly, a small matter of personal branding. Those of you who’ve been reading me for awhile have come to know me as TheMostInterestingManInTheWorld. Well, as new opportunities present themselves, it’s time to start going by the government. Yes, I’m officially retiring the moniker “TheMostInterestingManInTheWorld.” Feel free to continue to call me “Most” if you like, it’s more a formal change than anything. Thanks!

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

We had a party, yeah we had a party. Sisters was angry, yes sisters was angry. #MartinsRoom

This is going to be the last post you see from me for a long time about sex, dating or relationships.  Dr. J is going to take this opportunity to quit while he still can.  It’s been a great run here at SBM.org, I always thought that I was giving people a breath of fresh air, and telling the straight honest truth.  For those of you who have been entertained by that writing, thank you for your support, it never went unnoticed.  For those of you who hate my writing, you keep on, keeping on, “you got it.”  I’ll explain more on the Book one day, but for now, I’m off this relationships sh*t.

I have a buddy who writes a blog about interracial dating and every so often I get frustrated by the backlash I receive from my posts here and other places on the internet and I’ll complain to him, he always responds the same way.  He always tells me that I should stop putting out good material in places where it’s going to be attacked and that I would be best served to come and start writing for his site.  I told him, I can’t do that.  I’m not the type of Black guy who doesn’t date Black women, I’m the type of Black guy who doesn’t only date Black women.  I hate when I meet someone who only dates one race, that to me, no matter how you explain will always seem a bit off to me.  I write on SBM.org because this site is supposed to be about the Black male perspective.  Ha, on some days you wonder if that’s true.  It seems like everything that comes out of the mouth of the seven Black male writers on this site is subject to the scrutiny of the female readers.  (I should mention that it’s funny that our readership is not all Black, but everyone is overqualified to give an opinion on Black men. #dique)  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “if you ask a man what his opinion or perspective is on something, take it, don’t tell him you reject it”. You can’t ask for my opinion and then tell me I’m full of sh*t when I give it, do you want my honest opinion or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?  My observations led me to writing this post, my final relationships post on SBM.  (Note: I’m not going anywhere, I’m just not writing about this “relationship” stuff anymore.)

I date who I date, I’ll marry who I marry, and I’ll never look to the internet or SBM.org as the sovereign source of advice for my love life.  I love you all dearly, but some of y’all asses is crazy.  I was thinking to myself laying in bed thinking about the way Black men and certain types of women are persecuted on this site and I thought, “Let’s say for example, I married a Latina, would I ever be able to blog about my relationship with her?” It didn’t take me long to realize that the answer to that question was as obvious as the reason why I asked myself that question.

A little background story, in high school I had an off and on relationship with a girl.  In my mind, (at the time, lol), I thought we were in love.  We dated from the time I was in the 10th grade, off and on, until winter break of my sophomore year of college.  When I was in HS, this was the plan: Go to college, both of us would go to schools in the same state, graduate and move back to DC and get married.  We had that conversation many a nights.  Thank God, i’m not married to her.  First, because that on and off again thing was an indication that sometimes you care a lot about a person, but that doesn’t make you right for each other.  And second, because I had no clue what it would really mean for Black man to “date outside the family.”

I found this funny... will make sense later.

For a minute, I thought to myself, “The question isn’t what’s wrong with Black women?  The answer to that is simple, nothing at all.  The real question is what’s wrong with the women who aren’t Black?” I’ve got enough commentary so I don’t need to be informed on how many Black women want to answer that question.  I think about all the Black male entertainers and public figures that I know and when Black women found out the women they were dating or married to were white women; they flipped the hell out.  Was that going to be me?  Was I going to be judged because I didn’t end up with a Black woman?  And would the people who judged me the most not be the other race, but my own race?

The obvious thought was, well what if you wrote about why you love her and didn’t write about why you weren’t romantically involved with a Black woman?  I thought about that and when you think about it, it’s never mattered that the articles written by myself or others on the internet were not at all about Black women.  An article about white, Asian or Latina women is not going to make the Black woman wince, it’s the fact that she’s got the attention of a Black man that makes her wince.  I’m almost led to believe that in The Ten Black Women Commandments there is a verse that states, “Thou shalt have no other women before me.”

I came up with a list of posts specific to my situation that I could write that ideally wouldn’t solicit a hateful response from readers:

1. Ten Reasons Why I Love My Wife
2. Lessons I’ll Have to Teach My Biracial Kids
3. Things My Wife Doesn’t Get About Me and I Don’t Get About Her
4. Lawry’s vs. Adobo: A Definitive Analysis of Family-Style Cooking
5. Who Gon’ Watch the Kids: My mother don’t speak Portuguese and hers don’t speak English

#1 – Seemed like a good one, but then I thought, someone will definitely want to ask me why I thought I couldn’t get all of those things with a Black woman.

#2 – Jesus Christ, I do not want to have to deal with a comment section on good and bad hair, and the privileges associated with biracial kids.

#3 – This would just serve as evidence for Black women to tell me why you have to marry a Black woman if you want someone who is going to understand you.

#4 – I couldn’t come to a conclusion on which one was better myself.  Plus, Mrs. Dash’s, Season-All and Nature’s Seasoning be winning too.

#5 – I just saw this post headed in a direction where we couldn’t come to a firm conclusion on whether or not it’s right to raise children in America in a different language other than English.  That’s an argument that I don’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.  Or the more popular conversation among Blacks, Africans and Caribbeans; Why African-Americans don’t know how to raise children.

I didn’t see anything good coming out of those posts.

I think she's being typecasted.

I found myself thinking that I had lost faith in the readers. I lost that attraction to the relationship that we’ve built since 2009.  Somewhere in all of this, I’m sure it could be explained to me how this is all my fault.  Yeah, I don’t care about all that, the people who know me, know me, the people who don’t, don’t.  I looked at all the coaches that walk away from championship teams in their prime when it doesn’t seem like they’re getting the same results they once did, they always cite, “I just thought they needed to hear a new voice.”  I guess that’s what happened to my faith with black sex & relationship blogging, you guys just need to hear a new voice.  Whether I think that voice is one that makes it easier to take the advice because they tell you the truth without being honest, or if I feel like it’s a flat out lie, is neither here nor there.  I lost faith in our relationship as writer and reader that I could ever write a post about the woman I was dating, or the woman I was marrying.  Once I lost that faith, this whole thing didn’t seem worth it anymore.

Did you really expect not to go out without a little bit of controversy?

- Dr. J

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

Over the past few months, I’ve seen our blog, and many others, get a lot of mainstream attention in different publications. It’s a testament to the work that we do on a daily basis here. Of course on the Internet everyone has an opinion, and we definitely get slandered from time to time. I mean, I’m used to it, as I’m a veteran of Nahright and if you can survive THAT comment section, you can make it anywhere. I was reading around and came across a few women’s comment on our sites, and male driven sites in general. They suggested that they don’t need “us” to give them the black male perspective, because our perspective is misogynistic laced, women bashing rhetoric. They went on to claim that men’s opinions don’t matter, so why read? These are the same people who will go on sites like ours, and leave a comment that says “this post sucks” and keep it moving. People are entitled to opinions, whether pro or anti SBM. I just don’t get comments like the one above. It logically makes no sense.

Why would you read a blog with all male writers, if you discredit men’s opinions? That’s like a vegan reading blog posts from the Popeye’s lady on her favorite summer Cajun recipes. It’s asinine. I don’t know what some of you expect to read when you get here, but I can 100% guarantee that the blogs will be written in some way from a male point of view. If that isn’t your cup of tea, then you need to look in the upright corner of you screen, eyeball the red x, move your mouse with alacrity over the x, and left click expediently. This is not the place for you.

Some people say there’s no reason to read our blogs to get a man’s opinion on anything, when they have men in their lives who can supply them with the proper perspective. Kudos to you! I would hope that you have a real life support system of men and women who will keep it real with you at all costs and provide you with insight into life that you don’t have. Here’s a trade secret about SBM: None of us are relationship or life experts! We are livingoffexperience, and using our keyboards and web browser to illustrate our perspective. At its core, this is entertainment. This isn’t a personal blog, but the bloggers here get personal at times. This isn’t CNN, the New York Times, BBC, or the Associated Press. This isn’t even the Huffington Posts. You won’t see case studies, 7 page articles, or the weather here (SIDEBAR: I always thought Meteorology was a sweet profession. you don’t have to be accurate EVER! You track weather patterns and give the most probable outcome. If you’re wrong, you can shrug and say “yo this weather crazy” and no one will get mad! Definitely went into the wrong science! /sidebar).

Not that we don’t have the capacity to report the news, but this is a BLOG not a news website. This isn’t a magazine. We write freely, with no regard for MLA like guidelines. Yes we may have typos and grammar errors now and again, but real talk EVERY SITE AND PUBLICATION HAS THOSE! Thank you for holding us to a higher standard, but realize that other comparable sites and sites parallel to us but in different genre’s share the same struggle.

Finally, some people will point to phantom blogs that we write to accentuate why they no longer read “You wrote a post on why third nipples aren’t attractive. I’ll never read again!” Or, they will say that we never write anything of substance, our writing is elementary, and it is the “same old stuff” Two things. One, #WhoHurtYou?! Two, I never claimed to be J.K. Rowling, Tom Clancy, Shakespeare, or Dr. Seuss.  I’m a guy that likes to tell stories and talk to people, and use the Internet as my soundboard. We have some excellent WRITERS on this panel. To say that we don’t write anything of substance is completely off base. Honestly, our substance laced posts get the least exposure, for a myriad of reasons. When ii comes to male-female relationship posts, yes a lot of topics are rehashed and have been discussed our entire lives. The only difference is the author of the discussion. Everyone has a different perspective on these topics. Even people who share the same opinion may present their argument in different ways. This is what makes humanity unique. Also, we cannot assume that everyone has heard topics that we discussed or that every topic in life has been discussed ad nauseum. If I showed you our stats of past blogs that get read to this day, you would see what I mean. To another point, I’m sorry, but this isn’t catertoyou.com. You won’t find a daily ode to women or masterful simping. You will find real talk by real dudes on real issues. You will find the posts that herald women, and the posts that complain. We do it in real life. All men do it in real life. Why front here? For page views? I’d rather be real and our readers respect it, than front. Although catertoyou.com could be a win though… *runs to wordpress*

This wasn’t a post to bitch or complain about negativity. If you don’t like us, fine. It costs you nothing, pay us no mind. I just wanted to address some misconceptions and claims by critics that just hold no water, and make me question why they read blogs like SBM and others. Criticism is cool. Hating is cool too. Let’s keep blogs in perspective, and remember that it is, after all, only the Internet right? It’s not like we are living in a virtual universe…

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Streetz.

Russell Stay Winnin

Sometime around 11th or 12th grade, as all of my male classmate’s growth began spurting and they became taller than our female compatriots, I came to one of my life’s more important realizations: Height Matters.

I’d always known that height mattered if you wanted to be a professional basketball player or a model or something like that – but those things never really interested me. It wasn’t until my late high school years that I realized that height mattered in a more fundamental way, a way that would actually impact my life.  I could sit around a list all of the advantages being tall might afford an individual, but instead, just think of it like this: If a guy who’s 6’’5’ wants to walk 10 feet he probably has to take three or four steps.  If a guy who’s 5’’8’ wants to walk 10 feet he probably has to take four or five steps. That’s pretty much life for a guy who’s not so tall. What I realized when I came to the realization that height mattered and that I was not going to be a tall person was that if I wanted to have the fullest life I possibly could, if I wanted to have the sort of influence I desired, if I wanted to win the way I think I deserve to win, I needed to buttress my not so tallness with complete and utter awesomeness.  In today’s post I’m going to share with you all some of the things I’ve learned along the way

Look Closely at #3 - Prince Rogers Nelson the GOAT - Think he Cares about his Height?

1) Accept the fact that you’re not tall.

One of the worst things you can do if you’re not a tall person is be self-conscious about your height. If you’re not tall you need to accept that fact and keep it pushing. You also have to accept the fact that people will have no problem pointing out to you the fact that you’re not tall.  A dude who’s not tall can be 35 years old and a woman will have no problem telling him he’s “adorable.” You just gotta eat those. There’s something inherently wrong about making fun of a fat person because they’re fat. Likewise, if a person is universally ugly – by every standard of beauty of the face of the earth, it’s not cool to remind them of that. But if you’re short, it’s perfectly ok for someone to call you an oompaloompa. #LifeIsHard, deal with it. You also need to understand that some women have height preferences. When a woman tells you that she only dates men that are over six feet, you have to be confident enough in yourself to look her in her eyes and tell her that she’s totally entitled to that preference and that you make it a point to avoid dating women who prefer to date men who are over six feet.

Being a World Class Chef Makes Height Irrelevant ... Marcus Samuelsson FTW

2) Be Interesting

If you’re not tall, you can’t be lame. There’s nothing worse than being corny and short. Instead be a renaissance man. You need to always be reading a book and always have a new hobby you’re in the middle of developing. You should try to stay up on on the latest happenings in the areas of music, fashion, art and politics and you should be able to convert that knowledge into interesting conversation. Nobody cares if the 6’3’’ dude that just walked in the spot can explain in adult English why we needed to raise the debt ceiling, everyone is too mesmerized by the fact that he had to duck to walk through the doorway. But you and your 5’7’’ self, nobody even noticed when you walked in so when it’s your turn to speak, you need to be Obama. I don’t mean 2011, compromise on everything, Obama, I mean spring 2008 “so what my pastor is racist, you still love me” Obama. Your references and taste should be impeccable. You need to be able to lead a conversation seamlessly from Tolstoy to Tyler the Creator without missing a beat and without sounding pretentious. Because evolution and genetics did all the work in developing the tall man physically- personal internal development on his part is beneficial but not always necessary. The not so tall man needs to make it a point to continuously strive to make himself the best possible person he can be if he plans to win at life.

Sharp

3) Develop your sense of style and keep yourself immaculately groomed.

When you’re not tall you have to be really careful about what you decide to wear. I never got down with the whole baggy clothes phenomenon because oversized clothing makes a not tall man look like a kid playing dress up in his dad’s closet. You also have to be wary of some today’s more current trends. Right now for men, the trend seems to lean toward this semi-couture/semi-urban I care but don’t care sorta look. I blame Kanye.  Thing is, when you’re not tall, dressing like Kanye is not a good look. Wait, let’s be clear – at this point dressing like Yeezy isn’t a good look for anyone, but when you’re not tall somehow, super trendy is easily mistaken for effeminate.  Being short and trendy when you’re a guy is like when a girl is tall and only wears sweat pants and t-shirts. You kinda just assume they play for the other team. Develop your own sense of style. Familiarize yourself with the classics and borrow a few of the more current trends to accentuate the look.

4)Understand the Concept of Home Games and Away Games

It Works if You're T.I.

Home field advantage doesn’t only exist in the realm of sports- there are practical advantages to understanding the difference between a home game and an away game. As it relates to those of us who aren’t tall, you need to understand that certain environments will rarely be conducive to success for you. A perfect example is a club. I have a friend who’s about 6’’3’, 215 lbs. To whit, he’s a handsome dude who’s brown enough to not be light, but light enough to pass the brown paper bag test. When he walks into the club, women don’t just want to sleep with him, they want to procreate with him. They don’t just fantasize about having mind blowing sex with him, they fantasize about mixing gene pools with him. That’s not what women see when they see a not so tall guy in the club. That’s why the club scene, for guys who aren’t tall, will forever be an away game.

Also, women always make it a point to wear their highest heeled shoes when they go out to the club which makes it seem like every chick in the spot is amazonian. Next, if the club is crowded, you might as well be Stevie Wonder. It gets really annoying when your boy keeps trying to point out an attractive woman across the room and all you can see are the shoulders of the four guys in front of you. Besides that, it’s really awkward when that attractive woman starts throwing it back at you as you’re dancing and her a** keeps landing in your stomach area, knocking the wind out of you. It’s just really, really awkward, seriously. Most importantly, the club is a loss for the not so tall man because the loudness of the music mitigates your best asset … your words. You’ve spent all this time developing yourself, making yourself the best conversationalist on the planet but it’s all worth naught because it’s too loud to talk to anyone. The club is an away game. Home games include BBQ’s, Dinners, Lounges and certain house parties.

Look, the purpose of this post isn’t to say that guys who aren’t tall are handicapped or seriously disadvantaged. We don’t need to pass around the collection plate for the vertically challenged.  Truthfully, everyone – regardless of height -  should work on developing themselves in the aforementioned ways. But for the man who’s not very tall, working on these areas will help even the playing field between you and all the nephilim descended folks you might find yourself competing against.  So fellas, especially those of you under 5’9” – do you think your height has had a positive or negative impact on your life – particularly your love life. Has a woman ever told you that you were too short for her? For my tall dudes out there… why are y’all so corny? Just kidding … sort of … No shots though.  Ladies, if you were a ride at a theme park, what height would be the minimum? Where does height fall on your list of desired attributes in a potential mate?

Lastly, quick admin note: For the time being, the homey CEO Slim Jackson is going to be alternating on Thursdays with our comrade Wisdom Is Misery. I’m rocking out on Mondays … gotta keep yall on your toes.

As always… stay low and keep firing…

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

*Cover Art By Michael K. Wilson

Well folks, it’s finally here. As many of you already know, my e-book, my digital novella, my really long, short-story drops today. It’s called Secrets Discovered In Memoriam, and it explores the mind of a man trying to come to terms with his past and his emotional relation to it in the wake of  a life altering event. There’s a link to download it at the bottom of this post. You can download it or open on your screen and read it online. Whatever you do, just read it!

But just because this is such an epic day for me, doesn’t mean we’re not going to do what we always do here on SBM.

In the “Secrets,” one of characters, Stephanie, finds herself struggling with how to proceed in her love life. With sex having come to dominate most of her romantic relationships, she decides she’s giving it up all together, taking some time away from the boot knocking  and focusing her romantic inclinations on other things.

Here’s the perspective she shares in “Secrets”

“When I think about my sex life honestly and in totality, nothing good has ever come out of me having sex I mean, outside of the occasional orgasm. I’ve been in love once our twice, or, at least I’ve thought I was in love. And the sex then was great, and meaningful, but when it’s all over and we’ve both moved on, I’m left with nothing but memories. And memories are great, they keep you warm for a while but eventually they fade and you’re again cold and alone…

The last three guys I’ve dated, I’ve done what you’re supposed to do. I tried to stay out in front of my emotions, I waited the prerequisite three months, and I’ve made sure that the sex was something I knew I wanted before I allowed it happen. Still though, each time, I’ve ended up hurt. Not because they’ve necessarily done me wrong, they haven’t. Sex is just too powerful. It means too much to me. Every time I sleep with someone I feel like I’m giving them a little part of myself that I can never get back and it’s just like, at what point will I’ll be empty? At what point will I have nothing left to give, you know.

So, hopefully, celibacy will bring clarity. I feel like, when I’m dating a guy, before we have sex, all the both of us think about is sex. I’m wondering when it’s going to be acceptable to sleep with him, he’s wondering when it’s acceptable to try me–it just dominates the relationship. I think if I just take sex off the table from jump, I’ll immediately weed out all the guys who are just interested in that, and the ones who are left, I’ll be able to build honest relationships with where the sole focus is getting to know each other.”

Now, when one of Stephanie’s friends – CJ – finds out about her impending celibacy, he has his own opinions on it.

Here’s CJ’s perspective:

“I hate when women think celibacy is a cure-all. Sex is not the problem. Women like to take sex off the table when they can’t reconcile the real issues that are preventing them from finding a healthy relationship. It’s like putting a Bandaid on a broken leg. I mean yea, sure, for less evolved individuals sex might create some sort of emotional attachment. But mature human beings understand that sex is a purely physical, natural desire, and there’s nothing wrong with fulfilling your desires. All I’m saying is, there’s no reason to stop having sex alltogether. She could probably get the same results she’s interested in if she stops having sex with men she really likes. If she really likes the guy, make him wait. Find some bum n*gga to knock it down consistently. The world is a better place when everyone is getting theirs.”

My Perspective:

I’ve always thought that sex is an expression of love. Now, just because I’ve always thought that, doesn’t mean that’s always the way I’ve treated it. I think the same can be said for most people. Most of us find ourselves readjusting our perspectives on sex as quickly as the seasons readjust. Sometimes we’re all about it, sometimes we’re saving it, and sometimes we want no parts of it.

This is why I totally understand when people decide to be celibate. By making that decision, you are taking the prospect of having sex out of the equation so that it is no longer something that changes with your mood. You’re essentially answering the question before it is asked so that your answer is made in full clarity, without the pressure of the jones having undue impact on what should be an important decision. But that’s just me.

How about y’all? How do you feel about Stephanie’s take on it and CJ’s take on it?

Have you guys ever decided to take a sabbatical from sexual relations? What brought you to that decision and how did it work out for you? Have you ever found yourself interested in someone who made it clear they weren’t having sex? How did that relationship progress?

Lastly, here’s a link to download the book. I’d really love for you to read it:

Secrets Discovered In Memoriam

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

Summer in New York City is unlike any other place on Earth. The city that never sleeps gets better weather, more daylight hours, and double the events. Last weekend was no different. A plethora of events engulfed the 5 boroughs that would constitute a holiday weekend in other places. We had Hot 97 Summer Jam, First Saturdays in Brooklyn, Greek Events, Freak Events, you name it, it was here. I hit the town with my peoplez Saturday to peruse a few of these events, and enjoy a nice summer evening doing hoodrat things with my friends. Little did I know that tonight would end up becoming a lesson on communication.

One of my boys had an impromptu house party. It was impromptu, because he literally moved there 2 days prior, and “lowkey” invited a few people who were in the area to stop by while he figured out the next move. About 20 minutes later, he had about triple the amount of people he invited in the crib! This is why you can’t play pass the message with everyone. I was one of the stragglers, but never mind that. We’re all sensible people so it was a cool 10-15 minute meet n greet / pit stop to our next move.

As I was leaving the house, a young lady was bidding people farewell as they walked out the door. I saw her and bid her adieu as we were ready for our next move. As I was walking out, the following exchange ensued:

Her: I’m sorry, I just realized I’m saying bye without getting your name

Me: Wow I didn’t even realize! My name is ______. What’s your name sweetheart.

Her: …

Have you ever felt like you wish you could take something you said back the MINUTE you say it? It was like I saw the words in physical form leaving my mouth, and I couldn’t grab them in time before they hit the air and made noise. Homegirl actually made the “O_o” face! I was astonished.  Her reaction reminded me of one of my favorite video games:

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MH0FUMkJLXA for email subscribers]

I looked at her face and mind you, this moment lasted like 2 seconds, I thought she was going to black out on me, but instead she calmly replied “Well my name’s not sweetheart, my name is ______, but how are you?”

LOL

Now, as my friends looked from afar, having walked up further thinking I was right behind them, they gazed upon the stoop and witnessed the exchange. They knew that a heavy conversation was about to take place. I had to leave, but the intrigue in her small, but poignant statement, made me want to continue the conversation…

Me: What’s wrong with the word sweetheart? I call my mom and sisters sweetheart all the time and they’re not offended.

Her: *Stepping outside* Let me explain why… and I won’t front this is the feminist in me coming out, but think about it like this: When you first met your boss, you didn’t call him/her “Jack” or “Kate”, you called them “Mr or Mrs so-n-so”.  I feel the same way about you calling me pet names. We don’t really know each other like that, y’know?

Me: I feel you. I use those phrases as terms of endearment and didn’t mean no disrespect.  *daps and runs to friends before she can ask follow-up questions*

Now, I had an idea where she was going with her “My name’s not sweetheart” dialogue, but I was interested to see how she articulated her point. I’ve seen a lot of discussion on the net recently regarding women and what they want to be called. There’s been a few articles on calling women “females” and how more women than I thought had an issue with that phrase.

As I reflected on that conversation, it made me think about the power of words and how I wield said power. I think back to all the women whom I bestow pet names, whether I know them or not. Sweetheart is a phrase I use often, and usually, when I feel comfortable with a person, I’ll call them something other than their name. I mean, with my close guys friends I’ll say my dude, my G, fam, son, dun, and any other slang term known to man. They never get offended. They never say I’m calling them out their name. Whether I know them or not, doesn’t seem to be a factor, so why would women be upset at the same treatment?

Then I thought about the WAYS in which terms like sweetheart are used.  I tried to look at it from her eyes, and if I was a woman, I might be upset if a random guy called me “baby” or “sweetheart”. Those type of pet names are used for little girls as much as they are used for grown women, and that might be seen as a put down. I might feel like a man was trying to demean or control me, to “put me in my place and keep me there”, by using a potentially sexist remark, and I might want to address it. So I definitely get that side of the argument.

You also have to take into consideration the sensitivity level of the woman. There are some women who Kanye Shrug at any pet names because they don’t affect them in that manner. They see it for what it is and cosign. There are other women who will tear you to shreds if you use call them a chick, broad, toots, or any name other than their own. This is why sensitivity training is so clutch for any place of employment.

Finally, not all female sorry had to use it in this case cause women aint sound good opposition to pet names should be shrugged off as “Feminism” either. Some dudes look at feminist beliefs at extremes and don’t really grasp the entirety of the ideology. Sometimes, women just don’t want to be called anything but their names!

When I use pet names, I don’t mean it as a put down. It has and always been a term of endearment. I hate that I have to walk on eggshells at times talking to people, and being prejudged for the terms I use, especially when I mean well. However, situations like the weekend showed me that my perception of affection could be another’s perception of disrespect.

P.S – Single Black Male is a finalist in 5 categories in the Black Weblog Awards this year thanks to your nominations! We need your help one more time! Please vote for us in the finals for Best Blog Design, Best Blog Post Series, Best Sex & Relationship Blog, Best Group Blog, and Blog of the Year. Make sure you use a valid email address otherwise it won’t count. Click here to make it happen.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Streetz.

LOL

P.S - Single Black Male is a finalist in 5 categories in the Black Weblog Awards this year thanks to your nominations! We need your help one more time! Please vote for us in the finals for Best Blog Design, Best Blog Post Series, Best Sex & Relationship Blog, Best Group Blog, and Blog of the Year. Make sure you use a valid email address otherwise it won’t count. Click here to make it happen.

P.P.S. – This entry is an excerpt from my e-book dropping sometime this summer #NoDetox. The process has been interesting and I hope you all enjoy it when it is released.  Check out Dr Jays latest e-book “17th and K street” HERE

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Streetz.