We have all been there.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

When I first started being a source of advice for friends and family, I would sit and think about things for a few days and then come up with some strategy that we could possibly take over the world.  It took me a long time to realize that the core of most of the advice that I always gave came from the Serenity Prayer.  Now, many times when people come to me for advice, I spend most of the time listening to what they have to say and trying to tap into their understanding of each part of what they have to say.  I ask questions like, “Well, what do you think that means?” or “What do you think you’re going to do, if I don’t tell you anything right now?”  It lets me know everything from every angle of the situation before I offer advice.  But most times when I speak, it starts with these three lines and it is organized in that way.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,”

This is a carefully phrased statement, because it does not say, “Don’t worry about the things I cannot change,” it’s asking you accept it, and reach an inner peace about it.  The first step of reaching any goal or finding any understanding is to know that there will be things in your life that you can’t change.  You can’t worry about what’s preventing you from changing it, it’s more important to understand that you simply cannot change it.  Once you take a situation and identify all the pieces that  no matter how much you try, you will not be able to change, you’re ready to attack the real meat of the matter.

“Courage to change the things I can,”

There are two types of people in this world.  There are those who spend most of their time diagnosing the problem — also known as, complaining.  And there are those who spend most of their time resolving the problem.  My best professional and personal advice I can give anyone is, “don’t come to me with a problem, if you haven’t thought of a solution.”  There’s no country for people who can identify what the problem is, if they won’t do anything about it.  Many times once people identify a problem they sit back and say, “I can’t do anything about that.”  It’s a cowardly response some times.  There will be times when you have situations that  you can change, such as: finding a new job, making a move to a new city, ending an unhealthy relationship, or changing a mind.

You can change your job situation, but it doesn’t start with, “I need a new job” it starts with “I’m going to start looking for a new job.”  You can make a move to a new city, but it doesn’t start with, “I don’t know anybody there” it starts with “I’ll have to work hard to make new friends and contacts.”  And trust me, there’s always someone anywhere you go who you or someone you know knows.  Ending unhealthy relationships can be difficult, but sometimes we feel we’re tied to people because we’ve been friends for so long, or we’ve been together for so long, but trust me you can do it.  You can change minds too.  Inception seems like a difficult thing to do, but it’s not.  You can’t go into a person’s mind and make them do anything, but you can inspire and motivate others to do great things.  The point here is, when you identify a problem that is changeable, change it.

“And the wisdom to know the difference.”

This is the most difficult part of the prayer because it’s the part that we can get hung up on the most.  At times, we think that we are powerful beyond measure and other times we find safety in, “well there isn’t anything I can do about that.”  As we grow in life we’ve got to work towards the wisdom needed to understand the difference between the things we can’t change and the things we can.  I always like to think about it this way: you can’t change the past, you can only change the present, and you never know what’s going to happen in the future, but you can affect it. As people go through life’s daily bumps and bruises, give them time to hurt, no one is allowed to tell someone that they cannot hurt.  But encourage them to heal, because you can’t hurt forever.  Sooner or later you have to stop thinking about the past, because there’s nothing you can change about it.  Then you have to start doing something about what’s going on right now, because you are missing out on countless opportunities to change the present.

This prayer has gotten me by at times when I didn’t know what to do.  You know your life has reached a rough patch when you are pushed up against a wall with, ‘I just don’t know what I’m going to do.”  It’s times like those when we need this prayer.  When we have to make changes, or do things that we never thought we could do, it’s the best way to approach life.

What are your thoughts on the Serenity Prayer?  Has it helped you through a situation in your life?  If you are reading it for the first time today, have you found that the structure for this prayer is present in the way you approach problem solving?  Let me know.

- Dr. J

We are pleased to announce the SBM “Week in Review” Youtube Series featuring WisdomIsMisery. Click here to get the scoop and intro video. 2012 is looking better everyday.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

There's always that person who fills their champagne glass up to the brim in a crowded room. *Rolls Eyes*

I’ve got tons of friends, but contrary to the way others might approach their friends, I manage my friends with expectations.  Some people use categories such as; associates, acquaintances, homies, friends, or whatever other terms they develop to explain their relationship with a person, but I use expectations.  For this very reason, there are many times that someone will tell me how someone behaved in a situation and I’ll say, “I can’t raise another man, but I’m pretty sure many of them in our networks do not know how to act.”

There are times when you’ll be called upon to attend certain events that you should have coaching on how to behave.  Your mother probably thought she did a great job raising you, but she probably never took the time to finish off the task once you turned 21.  Here’s where you need to be in the company of greatness in order to be your best.  These are some events that many of us will have to attend but need a little coaching to be our best.

Housewarmings 

Some of us look at housewarmings as a time to furnish our house, this is the worst possible way to approach this event.  Others attend housewarmings and never understand the significance of our attendance at these events.  For those who attend housewarmings realize the importance and what’s really going on here, a person is inviting you to their house to turn a purchase into a home.  Focus on that.  It’s not a time to make an appearance and show off yourself, but to commune at a friend’s or family member’s new purchase to turn it into a home.

For those who are throwing a housewarming, it’s not a time to freeload.  Let’s skip the jargon, and move to the meat of the matter.  If you are throwing a housewarming, this is your time to show off your house.  The correct way to hold a housewarming is to provide food and beverages, and you do not have the housewarming until your house is ready to be seen.  You should have decorated and completed every room before you throw the housewarming.  When people walk into your home, they should not be completing your bar or kitchen, or collection of art.  All of those things should be completed before throwing the housewarming.  Yes, a housewarming is expensive, but it is the transition from a house to a home.  Make sure you do this right.

Weddings 

When you invite someone to, or are asked to attend someone’s wedding it means something important.  For the people who attend your wedding, they are witnesses to the vows you take before God and Family as you embark on a journey for life.  Weddings aren’t a time to throw a party, they are a time to exchange vows.  If someone invites you to their wedding, they are telling you that they want you to be a part of this journey in their life.

The wedding reception is not a time to “hit the open bar” or “make a scene on the dance floor.”  First and foremost, you need to bring a gift.  Your gift should at a minimum cover the cost of your party’s plate.  But in order to make the right gift, it takes more.  Here’s what your gift means, “This is my gift to you, to encourage you to have the best marriage possible.”  A cash donation is totally fine, but make it mean something.  The cash donation is saying to the newlyweds, “Here’s something to help you make it.”  Moreover than the gift, there is how you should behave at a reception.  The program is important because the newlyweds and their wedding party would like to do and say the things that are the foundation of their marriage.  Pay attention to the program, don’t talk during toasts and don’t miss a toast because you want to get another drink.  And never spend time complaining or comparing this reception to another.

The Birth of a Child 

The birth of a child is a significant event in anyone’s life.  Many of us hope to live forever, but we only have one life to live.  The birth of a child is a blessing from God, given to us to enjoy and celebrate.  Therefore, when you are asked to witness the birth of a child, you should understand the importance and choose your actions carefully.  If this is a close friend of yours, you should be there at the hospital or at the home if a homebirth is chosen.  Be a voice of encouragement and also of joy, trust me both parents will need it.

The Christening or selection of Godparents is another event that many of us totally miss.  A Christening is much like a wedding, the people that you ask to be there are witnesses to vows.  They are there because you have deemed them fitting of being there as you go to God to ask for his blessing and guidance throughout the life of this child.

This next part, I want to be very clear about, the godparents that you select for your child are to be companions in the success of this life, but they must understand and be capable of completing the task if the parents are not.  You don’t pick a godparent for your child because they are your close friend and it would be “cool.”  You pick a godparent because you want them to be an integral part of your child’s life and they have the capability of raising them in your absence.  And if you are selected as a godparent, if you truly feel that you cannot fulfill the responsibility, respectfully decline.

Significant Life Changing Parties 

Over the years, there are birthdays, new jobs, reflection moments and retirements.  To get the most important piece of advice about parties out the way first, remember this, if you can’t afford to throw the party, don’t throw the party.  Nothing irks me more than when someone throws a party and requires that others finance the party.  I’ve thrown a successful barbecue every year, I have NEVER asked anyone to bring a thing.  I keep the company of friends who don’t show up empty handed, but even if you don’t, take that into consideration.  Many of us provide the stage, but don’t finance the show.

When someone asks that you attend an event of significance, you should make it a point to be there.  Hopefully, your friends won’t require your attendance at every checkpoint, but only at landmarks.  For me, I think that birthday celebrations should happen in the following; 18, 21, 25, 30, 40, and then 50.  They go on from there, but those are the intervals for which you make it a big deal for your friends and family to be there.  When you take a new job or you retire, your friends should be there.  You put a lot into those ventures and your contributions should be rewarded not by only your coworkers, but those who have been soundboards for your many vents and frustrations.

There you have it.  Of course, this is just a sampling, I don’t have all the time to upload all my thoughts on behaving the right way under important circumstances.  I want to add that I’ve picked much of this up from reading books that aren’t targeted towards a particular race or gender, those would only yield a certain type of result.  I also have mentors and friends in my network who have been in rooms that I may not have been in before.  It costs nothing to pick up the phone and call them to ask for a minute of advice, in fact, it can be your most prudent decision.  I’m interested to hear your thoughts, maybe a personal story, or even recommendations for other events where you have been witness to malfeasance.  Cheers.

- Dr. J 

“Maybe i’m just different.”

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

spaceships don't come equipped with rear-view mirrors

This weekend, Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter and Beyonce Knowles welcomed to the world their first child, reportedly named Blue Ivy Carter. Considering the couple’s standing in the lexicon of American celebrity, this is as about a momentous an occasion as ever occurs as far as celeb child births are concerned. I am a Jay-Z fan, have been one since 1996, and have spent a lot more time than I’d like to admit following his progression and maturation as an artist and individual. And while he’s lived a life that, on the surface, is vastly different from that of the average American male, at its core, his love life seems to have had a similar arch to that of myself and many of the men I know. The birth of his first child (or first child he’s claimed) provides an interesting place to sit and reflect on how one goes from living and loving the single life, to getting married, to settling down and having a child.

Speaking of which, while you read the post, check out Jay’s new song – Glory – Dedicated to and featuring young Blue Ivy: https://www.singleblackmale.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/glory1.mp3

And some day I slow down but for now I get around like the late Machavelli or Pirelli 20 inches or Kane & O’Dog’s stick-up tape from Menace I’m telling chicks if you must know my business…

What do we know about Jay’s love life? Well, if we go by the music, we get fleeting glimpses of his entire relationship history through musical references like the above. We see in songs like “Girls, Girls, Girls,” “Big Pimpin,” “I Just Wanna Love You,” and “Money, Cash, Hoes” that Jay’s spent a great deal of time indulging in the spoils of being single, successful and desired. At the same time, for years, songs like “Lucky Me,” “Excuse Me Miss,” and “Song Cry” hinted, with a sometimes embarrassing level of vulnerability (by Hip-Hop’s standards) at his underlying desire and lack of success at finding one women with whom he might settle down. Eventually, as the relationship with Ms. Knowles began to progress, so too did the music. We began to see more and more lyrical references to his dedication and commitment to the relationship and his desire for children and less references to his lack of love for these hoes. From her “Deja Vu,” “Upgrade You,” and “Crazy In Love,” to his “03′ Bonnie & Clyde,””Beach Chair,” and “That’s My B*tch,” we see Jay growing, maturing and becoming a man ready to start a family.

“And rumors you on the verge of a new merge, cuz the rock on your finger’s like a tumor, you can’t fit your hand in your new purse …”

As improbable as it sounds, myself and most of the men I know have gone through similar incremental growth as far as our love lives are concerned. For a good part of our lives, marriage and settling down are the furthest thing from our minds. We go through periods of being interested solely in not-so-serious relationships to being interested in serious relationships while not quite ready to share a last name. At the same time, when we look out into the future, most of the men I know have always seen ourselves in love, happily married, with kids. The question becomes: “what changes?” How does one go from “Girls, Girls, Girls,” to “Excuse Me Miss,” to “I do, I do, I do?” What is the difference between the woman a man thinks of when he writes a lyric like “I was just f*ckin them broads I was gon’ get right back” and the woman a man thinks of when he writes a lyric like “Looking back I don’t know who threw this bouquet to me, but I walk down this aisle faithfully, cut the cake for me.”

The media, pop culture, movies and some musicians lead us to believe that settling down is about finding the right person, but when you look at men who’ve actually settled down you see that more times than not, their settling down is as much about timing as it is about anything else. When it comes to a man’s heart, timing is everything. The right woman at the wrong time = the wrong woman. Jay-Z, Beyonce and Ivy Blue are a perfect example of that. It’s not until Jay-Z begins to tire of everything that comes with being a superstar entertainer, that the relationship with Beyonce begins to move to that next level. It’s then that he breaks away from the long time partnership that brought him into the rap game. It’s then that he takes a more settled, corporate job. It’s then that he begins to set his sights on establishing his own, individual legacy. Jay was on his way toward settling down well before he met Ms. Knowles. This takes nothing away from any love that might exist between the two of them, but it is to say that for them, the timing was perfect. Likewise, most men I know begin the process of settling down well before they actually meet the woman they end up settling down with. The timing of the personal maturation of the individuals in any relationship is as important to its long term success as the chemistry, depth of love, and long term goals of the two individuals in any relationship. This is especially true for men. If a man looks out into the future and sees a blank slate, it’s hard for him to imagine fitting a woman into that. But if he looks out into the future and can describe with clarity exactly what should happen in the next 3, 5 and 10 years, it’s hard not to imagine having a woman by his side.

 “So where I used to have a few hoes, now I’m just, concentrating on making a new Hov through sex.”

But this is all pretty obvious stuff right? Timing is everything, you all knew this already … right? So why does it matter, why is it worth discussing? It’s worth discussing because so many of us are at that transitional age where the prospect of forever is dancing just before our eyes, but seems to be just out of our reach. Many men out there are thinking they might be ready to settle down … if they found the right woman. And many women out there are thinking the same thing about the men they’re meeting; neither wants to waste precious time in relationships that hindsight eventually tells them were doomed from the start. Having a clear understanding of where you are and where your potential mate is in their life can go a long way toward determining the true long-term potential of any relationship.

As the resident married guy, the most common question I get from single friends these days is “how did you know?” The truth is, as much as I knew MrsMost was the one, I’d also decided that I was ready to be married. If you’re a single man wondering if you’re ready, look around at your life. Is the city you’re currently in the city you see yourself raising kids in? Are you happy in your career or do you have some side-hustle you’re hoping eventually becomes the main hustle? Are your immediate and long term goals helped or hindered with a woman at your side? And if you’re a woman looking at potential suitors, ask them similar questions. Obviously, these don’t have to necessarily be deal-breakers and you probably don’t want to drop them on a first date, but they definitely can go a long way in helping you figure out how far the two of you might go, and can potentially save the two of you from wasting a lot of time.

Where are you guys at this point in your lives? Do you see a serious relationship, marriage, kids in your future? Have you ever had a relationship that seemed like it should’ve lasted forever but was doomed due to poor timing? Specific to the ladies, are you expecting your next mate to be ready for marriage (in the general sense) when you first meet, or are you expecting the growth of your relationship and increasing love to facilitate that ready-ness. Single men out there, I want every one of you who reads this (yes, even you lurkers) to answer the following question. If you met the perfect woman right now, and spent the next 2-3 years building with her the perfect relationship, would you, at that point, be ready to be married?

Lastly … Can we just be ignorant for a while and talk about Jay and B’s child’s name? Blue Ivy? How do we feel about that? I think Ivy Carter has a nice ring to it, but the “Blue” totally throws it off for me. Naming your baby after your favorite color is kinda basic right? I mean… what if your favorite color was Fuchsia?

It’s a new year … hope you all are well recovered from all the end of the year/beginning of the year festivities. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got big things planned for 2012. Time to get to work. So now that we’re back at it … y’all know what to do … stay low and keep firing.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

This one didn't make the list, but i'm a big fan of the tight fitted hoodie. Perfect for under your coat or for a quick run to the store.

It’s a week before the beginning of winter and the fall is ending.  And while choosing the right coat can be perplexing when it’s 30 degrees in the morning, 65 at lunch and 45 during your commute home, it’s important that we begin to bundle up.  Three months ago we spent some time looking at the must-haves for a man’s fall closet, but it’s time to refresh our list with Five Things Every Man Should Have In His Closet This Winter.

Back with a special mix for today’s post is, @CarverTheGreat, this one’s called Flight School, and it’s about making your wardrobe just that, fly. Stream below, or download here:

1. Full-length Wool Coat – Let’s get the formalities out of the way.  Your trench coat doesn’t stand a chance against this winter and it’s no longer cool to wear a North Face with slacks.  Therefore, it’s time to invest in a Full or Three-Quarter length Wool Coat.  The most important thing about this piece of fashion is warmth and length.  You want it to fit, but warmth is critical.  Make sure it’s a slightly heavy wool, and not too long that you end up tripping when trying to walk.  Depending on your shade you want to pick a color that works for you.  I prefer a black coat, but the khaki and navy blue may work better for you.  Ralph Lauren sells some awesome coats, but Syms is about to go out of business, so you can probably get one from last season there if you don’t want to spend Ralph Lauren money.

2. Cardigans and V-Neck Sweaters – Drake isn’t the only one who should know how to wear a nice sweater.  All men should keep an excellent collection of sweaters.  First, do me a favor, reach into your bottom drawer and take out those sweaters with words on the front.  We’ve all worn our share of chaps, or other logo embossed sweaters. Throw them away immediately.  Let’s go shopping for a nice cardigan or v-neck sweater.  Personally, I’m more of a v-neck, shirt and tie kind of guy.  I’ve got tons in every color possible.  Again, match your sweater with your shade.  For the darker men, a nice yellow sweater works great, for the lighter men, a nice pink sweater goes a long way with the ladies.  Listen up brothers because this is a tip that’s going to take you far, the color for 2012 is Orange.  Plan accordingly.

3. Dress Boots and Trendy Socks – You’ll need to have boot that gives you a bit more warmth than your typical dress shoes.  I prefer a Black or Gray leather boot with a slight heel.  Anything to high makes it obvious you’re compensating for something.  You can grab an affordable pair at Kenneth Cole or Aldo, but if you’re like me, Cole Haan has a Wingtip Dress Boot that’s pretty hot.  Also, you’ll be spending a lot of time in the weathers, so when you visit friends, it’s shoes off at the door!  That’s why it’s imperative that you step your sock game up.  At a minimum no holes in your sock and make sure they don’t smell. Brown shoes go with blue or brown socks (never black). Black shoes get black or dark gray socks (never brown or blue) and at this point, unless you’re heading to your local gym for a workout – you really don’t need white socks at all.  For my Caribbean folks, please wear socks.  Let your feet be great though, novelty socks are trending these days and are an excellent way to show that you appreciate warmth, but can keep it fashionable.  I have my own personal place where I shop for socks, but you can start with Happy Socks and then go from there.  Sorry guys, I can’t let you know where I’m shopping for my socks.  I love the exclusivity.

4. Accessorize with Hats, Scarves and Gloves – If you’re a slim or slender guy, I would tend to recommend the Fedora, for the stocky guys, go for a driving cap.  To be honest with you, those rules aren’t etched in stone, so do what you want, nobody’s checking.  Next is your scarf, for men, we tend to do fashion out of necessity and completely miss out on the memo… Women love a nicely dressed and groomed man.  Think for a moment, how much do women love scarves?  A lot, so that’s why it’s important that you love your winter scarf just as much.  I prefer a lengthy cashmere scarf, I’m a big fan of ribs and checkers.  Some people prefer crinkles, but those aren’t as warm.  After you get your scarf, visit this site to find some really neat knots to take it to the next level.  For your gloves, I call them OJs, but they are basically leather driving gloves.  Should be a tight fit so that you don’t lose your mobility, I hate loose fitting gloves.

5. Andis T-Outliner – Us men like to let our beards and goatees grow out during the winter.  Women love facial hair, but they hate messy facial hair.  So you need to be groomed accordingly.  Here’s where I recommend you do like most Black men and get an Andis T-Outliner.  Simply put, most Black men have no business letting a straight edge razor go anywhere near your face.  And when it comes to shaping there’s nothing better.  Invest in a pair now and they’ll last you a long time.

So here’s what you’re most likely to find in my closet, but I’m always interested to hear from the fellas what they’ve been eyeing this winter and what they hope to see under their Christmas tree from the lady in your life, even if that’s your mother.  Also, ladies, what say you about winter fashion?  Have you noticed something that you would recommend the fellas grab the next time they’re at Macy’s?  And also, what are some of your must-haves for yourself?  It’s a winter going on out there, no man is safe from, or as my main man Freeway said, “It’s cold winter, y’all [negros] better bundle up!.”

- Dr. J

Flight School Tracklist: 1. Good Morning by Kanye West 2. So Fresh So Clean by Outkast 3. Gold Watch by Lupe Fiasco 4. La Di Da Di by Slick Rick & Doug E. Fresh 5. Throwin My Money by TiRon 6. Flight School by Kanye & T-Pain 7. I’m So Fly by Lloyd Banks 8. So Fly by Slim & Yung Joc 9. Fly Together by Red Cafe & Rick Ross 10. Otis by Jay & Kanye 11. Champion by Kanye 12. One More Chance by Biggie — — Check out Carver The Great at his personal website, where you can also find booking information and more music!

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

Not included on this list: "I would never date a white girl."

In my former life, you could have expected a post called, “5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Listen to Women.”  They way I’m feeling these days, eh… you may see that post one day, but it doesn’t really interest me, probably would have only written it for your entertainment.  (This is an example of seeing the change in Dr. J, congratulate it, or he’ll think it’s pointless.)

Check out today’s mix from @CarverTheGreat, it’s called William Leonard Roberts, and it’s a nicely put together mix of Rick Ross tracks.  A tracklist can be found below, but download it here, or stream below:

Honestly, I don’t get upset when women make statements that I don’t agree with, or that I think are false.  I get upset when I’m listening to a woman explain something to me about her man and I’m caught between laughter and blurting out, “That fool is lying!”  Even in my own conversations with men, I find myself looking across the table with my best Bill Duke expression thinking, “This fool is full of ish.”

Me: I find myself troubled when I look at pictures of Rosa Acosta.
Him: She seem bad, but if you had money you would probably think different.
Me: I don’t have money though.
Him: She doesn’t do it for me, she comes across as ghetto.
Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about, you would wife down Rosa if she gave you two seconds before she went to the ladies’ room.
Him: Nah, I would never wife a girl down like that.  That’s not wifey material right there.
Me: [Thinks to himself, "Negro I’ve seen who you date and I know that your standards are way lower than you’re proclaiming right now. Rosa Acosta would easily be the most attractive women you’ve ever dated in your life and you can go head with all that bullsh*t."]

I’m well aware that the mention of the name, “Rosa Acosta” leaves a sour taste in a lot of women’s mouths.  If the way men gush over Rosa bothers you, make this list “Six things…” and make that the sixth thing you can take with a grain of salt from a man.  If not, let’s move on to my list.

1. They don’t like implants. – I can’t count the amount of conversations that I’ve had with men and women where men claim that they don’t find implants or plastic surgery attractive.  I think it was the big homie who said, “Natural breasts or Fake breasts? Trick question, the answer is breasts.”  That’s actually the gospel brought to your front door by Wisdom Is Misery and it’s true.  Men might claim to think that but when it comes down to it, they don’t mean that.  If non-matching panties don’t ruin the mood, then ass shots don’t either.  Seriously, stop and think for a moment of what a dude would do forced with the decision to take something down and his thought process was inundated with, “I’m not sure how I feel about ass shots.”
2. They mind if you got a sex tape. – Recently, video vixen and model Suelyn Medeiros released a sex tape.  I’ll just speak for myself, it had no effect on how I view her.  In fact, it only made my slight obsession a little worse.  It could be Suelyn or Kim Kardashian, it doesn’t matter, that tape doesn’t have anything to do with a man’s decision.  Of course, he’ll tell you that he wouldn’t date a girl like that, but that’s because he doesn’t want you thinking that he’s attracted to high-end women with no class.  But in the words of the late great Patrice O’Neal, “Be a dirty filthy whore.”  Do you really think it matters that she has a sex tape?  I got a friend who was using his girl’s laptop and came across a folder with the title, “[Her ex's name] Pictures.”  He clicked on it and it was a video in there of some dude and his girl doing a Mr. Marcus & Karrine Steffens impersonation.  He watched the whole thing and never told his girl he found it.  Anytime she didn’t want to put out, he knew he could just watch that video.
3. Their credit is above 800. – Men like to boast about their credit score because women want to know their credit score.  In reality, “I got a couple past due bills I won’t get specific.”  I’ll keep it 100 and funky, it’s almost impossible to get it above 800 unless you’ve never made a mistake in your life.  Raise your hand if you had roommates in college or in early adulthood that may have left you ass’ed out on a couple utility bills?  Raise your hand if you ever had a “I just ain’t got it” moment in your life?  Raise your hand if you carry a 30-day past due balance on your cell phone bill because you know that on the 31^st day is when they turn it off?  Yeah, 1x is the death of persona.  Raise your hand if you won’t pay your rent until the 10th this month?  Christmas and New Year’s threatening the entire month of January’s bills?  800 credit score, my arse.
4. They want a supermodel. – “I mean I’m not being picky, She don’t even have to a big ol’ ass you know, Just something well proportioned to her body, You know a nice little tail you know.” – Andre 3000.  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  There are only a few men out there who really want to date a supermodel, I can’t find them.  Next time you are at a nightclub or strip club, let me know if you see any men in awe over the super tall and skinny women in there.  Nope, not going to happen.  Men want something they can reach out and grab, it’s like Toys R Us, we like grabbing the toy and touching to see how it works.  En Vogue had it right.  Put down the fruit bowl, and pick up a bowl of ice cream.
   

   In the middle of authoring this post, I had an epiphany.  Thought i’d share it with you today.  I always thought that sex for a man was completely unfair because you have to focus on NOT doing something.  That’s just horribly frustrating.  Well, I imagine that for women trying to have TNA without ever getting to the point of fat, has got to be the female equivalent.

5. They don’t cheat. – Asking a man if he’s ever cheated is like asking a woman how many men she’s slept with.  You have to ask the question several times and multiple ways to get a straight answer out of her.  “Have you ever slept with another woman while you had another woman who was referring to you as her boyfriend?  Wait, do you think that having sex outside of your relationship whether meaningful or not is considered cheating?  Man, just give me your definition of cheating so I can understand your answers.”  Some of the greatest men to ever walk this planet happened to have some faults and cheated once or twice.  It happens, the men will keep this to ourselves and you young ladies keep your real body counts to yourselves too.

Every man who says one of these statements is not lying, but if someone held a gun to your head and asked you to bet your life on it, “Always pick, “He’s lying!””  This list isn’t all inclusive, so if you have a few others that you would like to add feel free to list them below in the comments.  I took a handful of the most popular ones that drive me crazy, I’m sure you’ve got a few that bother you just as much.

- Dr. J

Today’s Tracklist: Tracklist: 1. Here I Am, 2. All I Really Want, 3. No. 1, 4. Hello Good Morning, 5. Break My Heart, 6. Fly Together, 7. Magnificient, 8. Aston Martin Music, 9. Super High, 10. I Love My Bitches — Check out Carver The Great at his personal website, where you can also find booking information and more music!

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

Last week I started a firestorm on Twitter when I Tweeted the following in rapid succession:

@WisdomIsMisery: I’m thinking there is no reason to date a man over the age of 25 longer than 12 months if you want a ring from him. There, I said it.

@WisdomIsMisery: If you’re still “seeing where things go” on the 13th month. BREAK UP. You’re wasting your time

Plenty of men took exception with these statements but I already knew that was going to happen, since men don’t like timelines when it comes to relationships because men don’t like being held accountable. What surprised me was the number of women that took exception. I’m sure the majority of whom were with men longer than 12 months with no sense of commitment and will be with said man in their ambiguously defined “relationship” for the foreseeable future with no sense of commitment. Why is that? Lucky for you, I have some theories.

I’m not sure why people were shocked and appalled I suggested you shouldn’t waste time in pointless relationships after the age of 25 when the US Census Bureau states the average US man will marry by age 28; and woman by 27.

By 25, you should know the type of woman/man you do not want to date. You may need more time to determine the type of woman/man you want to be with but if you can’t figure out the type of people you do not want to be with you are behind the learning curve. You need to enroll in Remedial Dating 101 before all your friends graduate and you’re still trying to figure out freshmen level dating.

Ladies, if a man is dating you for 12 months and he does not know what he wants from you (assuming you know what you want from him), another 12 – 36 months will not help. At some point, you need to leave him. No matter how good he is on paper, because if he is the man you need, he will come after you; otherwise, he is a good man but he is a good man that is wrong for you.

I’m going to be honest with the ladies – fellas forgive me – the average man knows where he wants a relationship to go in 48 hours (or less). Men play dumber than we are for the sake of avoiding accountability but when a man walks up to you he already has an idea of what he wants from you. As you begin conversing, he begins mentally assigning you to the various categories you may fall into in his life. If you meet on a Friday, by Monday he knows where he wants the relationship to go and it’s likely it will not change – and if it does, it will usually be for the worst. In other words, if he meets you and thinks, “This girl is possible wife material,” you can only go downhill from there. Furthermore, it is much harder for a girl to go from “this girl is a [garden tool]” to this girl is “wife material.”

A man knows long before a woman whether he is going to commit to her or not. He knows, you can only assume. Often times, however, he will put off the inevitability of his decision for as long as possible, especially if you are not forcing him to choose. If a relationship was a boat, men are the captain. They know the destination but that doesn’t mean they have to tell you – and if you’re in an ocean (an undefined relationship), regardless of the final destination the scenery on the way there looks the same.

A woman asked: If a man hasn’t asked you to marry him after 12 months he never will? No, but the longer you date a man in an undefined relationship the odds of you ever getting a commitment from him decrease, not increase. Nine times out of 10, if a grown man is keeping you around, while refusing to commit, it’s because he is looking for something better.

Why else would he do it? Who is this guy, Barack Obama? What is he doing that is so important in his life that he cannot commit to you but he can do everything BUT commit? If he sincerely thought you were irreplaceable, why on God’s green Earth would he risk losing you? I’ll answer: He doesn’t think you’re going anywhere and he is likely looking for an upgrade; give him enough time and he will find one.

Think about it, you’ve deemed this man good enough for you but he is still on the fence about your worth in his life? Why wait around for a man that has made it abundantly clear he doesn’t value you as high as you value yourself?

In closing, if you want a commitment, date men that want to commit and hold them accountable. It’s really that simple. For the sake of their sanity, I know women are going to argue, “I know X and they dated for XX years and they still got married.” My response is twofold: 1) As your parents use to say, “I’m not X parents…” so I’m going to say to you, you’re not X and unless you’re married too, who cares? 2) The point is not they finally got married. The point is how long did he string her along without a commitment before they got married? …is it worth it?

#PleaseRespond

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from wisdomismisery.

Somehow, We Always Come Out Of the Woodwork

We’ve all been there. We’ve all had relationships that felt great, that met our needs at the time, that made us feel fulfilled and happy, but also ended so horribly that the idea of post-breakup communication was out of the question. Then, months, or years later, something happens. It’s almost inevitable.  Because we men are creatures of habit and because we can’t let you women just move on, there’s a good chance that at some point we pop up and try to reinsert ourselves into your lives.  We do damage, leave …  and then we reappear.

Any good detective will tell you that criminals who are guilty can’t help but return to the scene of the crime; neither can we. When we know we’ve done wrong it’s in our nature to reappear for a number of reasons.

Sometimes we want to show you that we’ve changed, and are better people.

In this case, because we’re not trying to get back together with the woman, this is a ridiculously selfish reason to come back into her life. The guilt of what we’ve done is so affecting that we want you to know that we aren’t really that person any longer or that we never really were that person. We want you to see us for who we are and to know that we’re not the douche-bag we pretended to be when we were with you. In reality, we’re really great people – really – we are – our current girlfriends can attest – we really have changed. I’m sure that makes you guys feel great – knowing that you were the only person capable of bringing out the worst in us. Knowing that we’re not really interested in what you had to go through to heal or in knowing how you’ve moved on, all we want is to be able to sleep peacefully at night knowing that you know it wasn’t us now, it was us at that time in our lives or, it wasn’t us at all, it was you (don’t worry we forgive you). Or it wasn’t us, nor was it you, it was just the ‘we’, that brought that out. Either way, if this is why we’re reappearing, it’s probably best if we just stay gone.

Sometimes we want to see whether or not you’ve changed.

Contrary to popular belief, we men are human. We do catch the vapors every once in awhile. The only thing better than meeting an awesome new woman is meeting an old girlfriend who now seems way more awesome than she was when you were with her. I’m sure social networking sites like facebook go a long way in exacerbating this. An old flame uploads new pictures and, voila, her phone turns into the “hey, it’s me, it’s been a minute…” hotline. When we’re interested in getting to know the new you our interest is not genuine. It’s more of a novelty. We want to prove to ourselves, and to you, that we didn’t make a mistake the first time around. That you’re not really that different, that the thing about you that always annoyed us is still there just below the glossy airbrushed surface of your new professionally taken profile pic. We want to find out whether you’ve been doing hella squats and that’s all you back there or whether that’s just an awesome camera angle. We want to know if that nonchalant confidence you exuded when you jetted off after briefly chatting with us when we bumped into you on the street was actually real confidence or the product of many-a-night spent practicing everything you’d say and do should you happen to randomly run into us somewhere. Again, if this is why we’re coming back, it’s selfish and we might as well stay gone.

Sometimes we’re just being manipulative.

Here’s a secret about some of us men I probably shouldn’t be telling. Sometimes, we just want control. Many of us went through a period in our lives where our most valuable talent was our ability to exert an unhealthy amount of control over the women we were dealing with. The thing about having that sort of control is that it makes it impossible to build any sort of lasting relationship. If we can control you, we can’t respect you. We can pretend to, but, in reality we don’t. The two things women reading this should take from this point are:

1) Never let a man have full control over you unless that man has married you.

2) If a man who once had that sort of control over you reappears, we probably just want to see if we still have it.

Be honest with yourself. If you’re unsure of whether or not you really are free, then when we come back, you need to run. Just run. Don’t be embarrassed, don’t try to prove to us that you’re free, just run the other way because you’re about to go through that same thing you went through all that time ago. I wish we weren’t this way, but sometimes, some of us are.

Sometimes, we realize what we’ve lost and are ready to be whatever we need to be to get it back.

Of all of the reasons a man might reappear, this is the most rare. Sometimes, without us really realizing, a woman can carve out a perfectly round little space in our hearts and lives. We leave her, thinking she’ll be the only one who experiences any loss, but, really, we lose too. Try as we may to fill that spot she left with the square pegs of another woman or of other women, there’s always a certain amount of emptiness that remains. And maybe one day we wake up and decide we’re going to give it another go. All we can do is reappear and hope our spot is still reserved.

Some say “all’s fair in love and war” and I agree to a certain extent, however, the fact that all is fair, doesn’t always mean all is right. As men, I think we sometimes have to take responsibility for the damage we’ve done and respect the fact that our women are entitled to rebuild themselves in whatever way they see fit.  We also have to be responsible about how we decide to return to their lives. We have to think about whether we are returning because we think we can ‘help’ them, whether we’re returning because of our own selfish motives, or whether we’re returning because we think there might be a real chance at a lasting “we” this time.

Fellas, have you ever popped back into the life of a woman you’d been with previously? How did things turn out the first time and how did things turn out the second time around? Ladies, have you experienced any of the above scenarios, or maybe one I’ve missed?  How do you approach rekindling old flames?  As always, feel free to over-share in the comments.

Lastly, I want to thank everyone for downloading my novella Secrets Discovered In Memoriam. The feedback has been amazing and I truly appreciate you all. If you’ve emailed me sharing your thoughts, and I haven’t got back to you, don’t worry, soon come. If you haven’t downloaded it yet, you can check it out here: Secrets Discovered In Memoriam (right click -> open new window).

The summer’s bout to get hot, when it does, you know what to do… stay low and keep firing…

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

One of the more interesting things I’ve noticed over the past few years has been the particular set of struggles and tribulations experienced by women whose moral code is the most influencing factor in their love life. These are women who desire romantic connections as deeply as anyone else but who also have a strict set of values they are trying desperately not to compromise in fulfilling those desires. It’s what I like to call “The Good Girl Dilemma.”

Good Girls can generally be split into four different categories – each with their own particular set of issues. In today’s post I want to take a look at the four and offer some advice for being or dealing with each.

1) The Angel

Typically, the Angel is someone who grew up in a religious household and therefore put their relationship with God before their relationship with anything else. Angels are beautiful. They are attractive for a number of reasons. First, it says something about their character that they are able to remain true to their core beliefs in the face of all the temptation that exists in the world. Also, the fact that Angels have very little relationship experience usually means they’re not completely jaded and disillusioned when it comes to men. They still believe in things like trust, fidelity, love’s ability to overcome and all that other awesomeness women lose sight of after male mistreatment. Angels also have their own issues that can make things difficult. Sometimes Angels can have trouble understanding the shortcomings of those less sanctified. Many people find faith, or a moral code later on in their life. The lives they’ve lived prior to that discovery may be filled with all manner of sin and debauchery. Some Angels just can’t accept this and that lack of acceptance can hinder relationships. Also, Angel’s inexperience in relationships may mean a lack of emotional and sexual maturity when in a relationship. If you’ve been in a few healthy relationships you learn how men and women communicate with each other what works, what doesn’t and how to make a relationship work. Saints can sometimes be clueless on this front. They can also be clueless in the bedroom which can lead to a whole other bag of issues.

2) The Teeterer

The Teeterer is the woman who’s spent much of her life as an Angel, but is at a point where the loneliness and perceived hopelessness of her romantic situation are causing her to question the things she’s always known. I have a deep empathy for women reaching this point. You spend your whole life believing that if you do the right things and be the right person, eventually your soulmate will find his way to you. The truth is, in today’s society, that doesn’t always happen. When you see yourself rounding the corner of your late twenties and staring your 30′s in the eyes, but you still have the same amount of relationship experience that you had when you were 17, you might begin to have a bit of a crisis of faith. When every guy you’ve ever had any feelings for tells you “you’re too good for him” or “he doesn’t want to hurt you” or “he’s just not ready for someone like you” it can be a little disheartening. Especially if you’re watching all of your friends who are less morally inclined fall in love, or at the very least, have fun being single. At some point the Teeterer is always tested, maybe it’s a guy at work they like, or maybe it’s a guy from their past who reappears, or maybe it’s just a guy the meet in a club during a moment of weakness, at some point a test will come and how she responds will dictate a big part of the rest of her life.  If you’re a woman at this point remember that you are best at being you. You’re not going to be good at being someone else, so no matter how green the grass looks on the other side of the fence, be yourself. If you’re dealing with a woman at this point – know what you are and aren’t willing to give her from jump. Be man enough to let her know, early on, if you’re not what she’s looking for.

3) The Good Girl Gone Bad

“But once a good girl’s gone bad, she’s gone forever.”  This isn’t entirely true, but there’s some truth to it. Sometimes a Teeterer will fall and find herself in a relationship she knows she shouldn’t be in or doing things she knows she shouldn’t be doing. When this happens, sometimes she’s able to summon her inner strength and fortitude and go back to being the woman she expects herself to be, and other times the rabbit hole is just too deep. Sometimes, she falls all the way in and the person she once knew may never be seen again. There’s no more tumultuous time in a human’s life than when a good girl decides to go bad. When a woman loses sight of or rejects the moral code with which she’s previously lived her life, all hell breaks loose and the outcomes are completely unpredictable and sometimes pretty sad. There’s lots of anger, sadness and guilt and those emotions express themselves in a myriad of ways.  If you’re dealing with a good girl gone bad, you need to understand that who she is now isn’t who she always was nor is it who she always will be. Contrary to popular belief, good girls gone bad often find their way home so it’s important to realize that you may not know or like the person they eventually become. You have to understand that you’re dealing with a woman in transition and relationships built during major life transitions rarely work. If you’re a good girl gone bad my only advice is that you protect yourself in all ways, and be self aware. Don’t just act, take the time to decide what you are willing to do and what you’re not willing to do based on whatever morality you’re currently living your life by. You don’t have to be who you were, but at least maintain a standard.

4) The Bad Girl Gone Good.

“They say you can’t turn a bad girl good…” This too, is not entirely true. I’ve seen women change. And by change I mean, I’ve seen women go from living lives where what they will and won’t do is situational, to living lives where what they will and won’t do is decided by a value system strengthened way before any particular situation arises. It can happen, but it usually takes an extraordinary set of circumstances so dealing with this type woman means understanding and accepting those circumstances. If you’re dealing with a bad girl gone good, you have to understand that she’s probably seen a lot and experienced a lot as is therefore going to have a very low tolerance for male mischievousness.  You never know how much of herself she had to cauterize to make the changes she wanted to make, so her opening up to you- if she ever does- is a big deal. It’s a responsibility you need to know you’re accepting when you pursue a relationship with her. On the flip side, bad girls gone good make awesome people to be with if they’ve fully made the transition over to the good side. The know all of the bad girl tricks we men come to love but they now reserve them for you and only you.

Good girls, whether they were born good and remained, whether they fell and got back up, or whether they were born bad and became good are an interesting set of women to get to know and explore. Ladies, do you find yourself sitting in one of the categories above? What has your experience been like? Fellas, ever dealt with a good girl – what was that like? What have I missed. Feel free to over share in the comments.

Lastly, it looks like summer is coming early this year. When it gets hot the goons come out so always keep your eyes open, your head on a swivel and if it pops off …

Stay Low and Keep Firing.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

Knowing how to go on an effective date is a bit of an art form. The first thing you have to understand when going on a date is that the whole point is for the two of you to get to know each other while having fun. Many folks have no idea how to extract from the people they date the information they’ll need to gauge compatibility. Today I want to help out by giving 3 questions a guy should ask a girl and 3 questions a girl should ask a guy on their first date.

Man to Woman:

3. Who are your three closest friends?

You can learn a whole lot about a woman by asking about her friends. There’s no real right answer to the question but here are some things you want to look out for in her response:

A) “Best Friend She Keeps Changing” – Most women hold on to friends. If a woman has a new best friend every couple years, there might be cause for concerned. Once she gets into a relationship she’s just going to stop making friends all together and then she’ll want to spend every waking moment of her life with you … and you don’t want that.

B) The girl with no girlfriends – You also want to be careful if a girl says she doesn’t really get along with girls. This isn’t quite a red-flag, but maybe a yellow one. Sometimes she’s just a tomboy who hung out with guys all her life or had a bunch of brothers making her more comfortable with men. That’s not a bad thing. What you want to make sure of is that she’s not that girl in the crew who always does stuff to alienate herself from the rest of the girls. Stuff like buy the same clothes as the flyest girl in the crew or violate the g-code by always flirting with the boyfriends or always come up short on the bill at the restaurant. You don’t wanna date this chick because she clearly has character issues and those issues will always be an issue in your relationship.

2. Are you Democrat or Republican?

This question is way more important for a black man to ask of a black woman, than for a black woman to ask of a black man. I can sort of understand how some black men grow up and turn out to be republican. Usually, black men grow up, get a decent job making decent money, read a little Milton Friedman and figure out they want to be fiscally conservative. I don’t agree with it, but it happens. But it takes a whole lot more for a black woman to be a republican. If a black woman is republican she’s either an idiot who doesn’t follow politics or she’s Condoleeza Rice … you don’t want to date either.

1. Were you and your dad close growing up?

It’s important to get some information about a woman’s relationship with her father because more times than not, a woman’s relationship with her father will influence what she expects and accepts from a man. This isn’t a zero sum game – the woman who grew up in a two parent home and had a great relationship with her dad isn’t better than the woman whose dad was never around – both can make great mates.  Personally I’ve found that women who grew up in healthy two-parent homes usually have an understanding of what it takes to make a long term relationship work. On the flip side, they’re usually spoiled rotten and used to getting their way. When a woman’s grown up without her father in the house, she’s usually very independent, self-motivated, ambitious and focused on achieving her personal goals. On the flip side, they can also be pretty clingy. Once they open up and let you into their heart, it’s really hard to remove yourself and if you hurt them you might make a lifelong enemy. But that’s all just my personal experience, how people deal with their family situations groaning up depends on the individual, the point of this question is to say – you need to figure out what type of woman you’re dealing with and what role her childhood played on making her who she is. Doing so is very helpful in building a healthy relationship.

Woman To Man

3. Are you in a relationship?

Seems obvious, but these days you never know. You don’t wanna end up in a situation where, after 3 or 4 months of seeing somebody you find out he’s in a relationship. As men, we’re idiots. Our whole goal is usually to tell you as little as we possibly can about ourselves. Sometimes this includes disclosing in full our relationship status. We might say stuff like, “oh, I didn’t think it mattered since we’re just kicking it,” or “She’s not really my girl, we broke up, we’re just living together for financial reasons – she’s really my ex though.” This is all stuff some of us only share if you ask because some of us are shady bastards. So just come right out and ask – if we lie and you believe us – at least you asked.

2. How do you feel about Kobe Bryant?

The good Dr. J is going to hate me for this one, but, you can tell a lot about a man based on his reaction to Kobe Bryant. When it comes to Kobe Bryant, the only reaction you should trust from a man who’s not a fan of the Lakers is indifference. Everything else is suspect. If the dude is a die hard Laker fan since childhood, it’s almost understandable for for him to be a Kobe Bryant fan; he lead them to 2 championships and helped Shaq get them another 3 – if you were a Laker fan, you might really like him too. But, if the dude is not a Laker fan, but still loves Kobe … red flags need to go up. If he’s not blinded by his Laker fanhood and is just a Kobe Bryant fan off GP (general principle) he’s not to be trusted. To be a Kobe fan while not a Laker fan is to tacitly endorse all of the foolishness Kobe Bryant has involved himself in over the years, it’s to tacitly endorse the consistent violation of man-law, and it’s to tacitly endorse putting athletic ability ahead of general lameness. On the flip side, you also want to avoid people who “hate” Kobe. Kobe haters are an interesting breed of people. They are as passionate in their Kobe-hate as the Kobe-Stans are in their Kobe-Love. People who feel that deeply about Kobe when they’re not fans of him or his team might have secret insecurity issues and might be allergic to winning.

1. What’s your relationship like with your parents.

We’re at a point in the history of black america where most of our men are being raised by women. Because of this, it’s pretty important that you get to know the way a kids relationship with his parents has influenced his maturation. As with women, there is no right or wrong answer, it’s all about gaining understanding. Here are some things to look out for:

A) The Mama’s Boy. There’s absolutely nothing worse than a dude with an unhealthy attachment to his mom. It’s one thing to love your mom, it’s one thing to be really close to your mom, it’s another thing entirely to expect or need every woman you’re with to be your mom. At some point the umbilical cord needs to be cut and a man needs to strike out on his own and learn to take care of himself. Unless you’re ready to be a parent, avoid mamas boys.

B) The Apple ain’t fall far enough from the tree. It’s often said that we grow up to be our parents. If a guy had great parents this can be a great thing – if he didn’t, not so much. As men, we all need to take the time time to identify the cyclical patterns we see occurring in our family’s history. We need to work hard to maintain the positive ones and work extra hard to break those cycles that prove to be destructive and not conducive toward building strong foundations. If you notice unhealthy patterns in a mans relationship with his father – ones he’s not actively making an effort toward breaking … major red flag.

Obviously, you want to make sure you have fun on a first date so if you can’t find a way to interject these questions above into your conversation in an interesting and not-so-intrusive sort of way, save them for your next date or next conversation.  The point is to get an understanding before you find yourself in love. You want to have somewhat of an answer to most of these before you invest too much time in a person you’re not going to be able to be with. That said – what are some other questions you guys have had success with early on in the courting process? What questions do you always ask of a new love interest, what questions to you wish they would ask you?

See you all sooner than later – till then …

Stay Low and Keep Firing

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

LEAVE YOUR HAIR ALONE!!!
You’ll usually hear me screaming this at any of my women friends when they talk of drastic changes to their hairstyle. As a friend, I feel it is my right and my duty to let people I care about know when they are about to take a major L in any facet of life. Hair is no different. I’m far from a super model, but I care about my grooming enough to hope that someone checks me if I’m slipping or even close to it, so I will do the same as will most men for their lady friends/significant others/sisters/cut buddies.

Women are totally different. I’m convinced that when it comes to hairstyles, women will let their friends walk into the pit of despair barefoot and dumbfounded. They will let them murder and mangle their hair, even if they are weary about the new “do”. Now, I’m not talking out of my rear-end on this topic, I’ve observed this for many years and asked men and women to share their thoughts on my theory that friends will let each other look a hot mess just because they want “something different”. Now let me say beforehand that this is not a “good hair v. bad hair” or “long hair vs short hair” or “natural vs permed” argument. This is all about decisions and perception. Not convinced yet? Well consider this:

Friends will say your new hairstyle looks cute, but will secretly bash you

We all have those friends who will support you no matter what. We also have those friends that will cosign any idea you have because they see that you like it and because they don’t want to “sound like a hater”. They will be the friends to tell you to get the hot pink and lavender highlights when you are a partner in a law firm. When they see the final product, they will shower you with affectionate praise like “gurllll you’re killin it!” and the always popular “That looks sooo CAYUTE (yes the drawn out version of cute)!”. When they go home, however, they will be quick to let their boo know “Oh, Keisha’s new hairdo? A.MESS!! Don’t ever let me come home looking like that!!” Why is it cool for them to look horrid, but not you? I thought women didn’t like rolling in busted cliques. Keep it real with your homegirl and let her know up front that you think it’s a bad look.

Women will doubt the cut, get the cut, then regret the cut
There’s always a risk with a new hairstyle. It may not come out the way you thought, or a certain color may not agree with your complexion, so I will concede that a great amount of bravery is needed for a hairdo change. Women are known for their intuition, but when it comes to hair, it shouldn’t be ignored. How many women do you know that go for this all new hairstyle and then cry because it takes a year to two years for their hair to grow back to its original length again? I’m no haircare expert, but isn’t there a way to test your style before actually getting it? Please school me because if I was a woman and i had long hair and wanted to get a short do, or had short hair and wanted a weave, I’d probably try to wear a wig that would reflect the hairstyle closely, or even try Photoshopping a current pic with new hair. Yeah, it seems extra, but as a man I have much more leeway to experiment with hair because I know that at most I’d have to wait 4 weeks to get back to my original hair length and style. I don’t like living with regret, and neither should you, especially with hair!

Sometimes, changes in your life doesn’t need to be signified by cutting hair!!
This point is one that I feel the strongest about. I’ve asked many women who extremely made-over their hair, about their motivation behind their decision. A great majority of them stated that they just got out of a relationship and wanted to cut off all their hair. I get it. You want to feel liberated. I know people who had Locks and cut them because they said all the emotions and negative energy was residing in their hair & needed to be expelled.  Zeen. However, a lot of women will murder their hair and get an unattractive, unflattering cut or style in place of their “same old do”. Listen, don’t let your ex win the war by making yourself look worse in the aftermath of a breakup. If it aint broke, don’t fix it!! You can hit the gym, read a new book, pickup a new hobby, travel, or anything else as a breath of fresh air from your last situation. Leave your hair out of it! A change of pace isn’t effective if it throws your pacing off.

In closing, if you choose to break monotony and get a new hairstyle, accept the same amount of blame for it being a mess as you would if it comes out well. The same way you know that dress is 2 sizes too tight for you to wear, or that Canal St. Gucci bag is falling apart at the seams, know that your hairstyle is a loss, accept it and move on. Friends, don’t let your homegirls do something to their hair that we will all regret, most importantly, that SHE will regret! If it won’t look good on you, or you know that she will get side eye’s and ridicule, save her the embarrassment and suggest alternatives. Women, when we as men tell you leave your hair alone, believe us!! That is off the books code for “You’re fine, and if you cut your hair or get those silly colors or styles, you will dilute your value” Also, when we tell you that cut or new style may be a good look, we think it will be a good calculated risk. We know you may want that hairstyle to appeal to the opposite sex (or whomever you desire), so the people of that sex’s viewpoint should be taken into consideration. Whatever you do, be confident, be smart, and perform the necessary due diligence so you don’t body yourself and you’re left with 8-12 months of follicle triage.

Performing hair interventions since 1998, I remain:

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