What? This is easy!

I was chatting with a friend of mine — we’ll call her Tameka — about her dating adventures in New York City. She’s a good person that takes care of her appearance and knows how to converse. But she regularly runs into an issue that my other female friends in NYC run into: Men that fall off the map when they find out they’ll need to put in effort.

I was trying to explain to her why men in the Big Apple approach dating so lax, then started thinking about my experience as a single black male that’s lived in two northeastern hubs. It was when I drew that comparison that I realized I used to be just like the men she comes across today. I tried to soften the message, but there was no way of getting around a truth that many men take advantage of.

Women make it easy for single black men in big cities like New York. I can tell you this because I spent five years living in Boston, a much smaller city,where I had to claw and wit my way to a phone number and a first date. It required actual work. The pickings were slimmer (no pun). And the women that were available flaunted advanced degrees, confidence, and an exceptionally high self-worth. Boston forced me to question a lot about my approach to chicks and, at times, even my looks. The women there were interested in whatever they perceived to be the best of the best. It took more than a fresh shave and an edge up to show you wanted something that lasted longer than a night.

I had to step my game up if I wanted to have a second, third, or forth conversation with a woman that peaked my interest. The margin for error was low. The cost of poor follow-through was high.

Then I moved to New York and things changed. As soon as I arrived with a single status, six feet of height, and a complexion that didn’t scare white people in elevators, things got easier — MUCH easier. One night out in the city resulted in more interest and phone numbers than I’d gotten in my last three years living in Beantown.

It’s ironic. People think big city equals more people, which equals more opportunity, which can equal more competition. But as a man moving to New York, it meant less competition and the opening of doors — amongst others things — that I didn’t even know existed. I got phone numbers without asking. I met women that intentionally asked every question under the sun except the ones that mattered. And even if I lost the interest of one, there was always an easy second option even if it meant I had to go out the same night.

And with that, my attitude, approach, and “win” percentage changed inversely with the size of my apartment.  Losses became wins. Aesthetic 10s became deficient 6s. My doubts turned into entitlement. The question of “what do I need to do to get a good woman” turned into “is this all I have to do to get a good woman?” Working for it became simping. Calling became texting. Conversation with one became missed opportunity with the easier options — well, sometimes.

It got to a point that I decided if I wanted something serious, I’d look out of state. That’s where I’d find mystery, intrigue, and something I had to work for. In the mean time, why would I buy the proverbial cow when I could get the whole farm for free? I’m not saying the attitude was right, but that’s how I thought.

New York wasn’t only the greatest city in the world, it was also the most toxic to my character. I got drunk on favorable ratios, aggressive women, and, at times, desperation. There were moments where it felt like the opposite sex had swapped their worth for the possibility of something that would never be. And though it may have bothered me in the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but to enjoy living a vacation in front of me.

It’s funny. Even today I hear women in NYC today talking about how there aren’t any “good” men out here. The thing is we’re here. We just don’t have to show up. Why would we? There’s too much free sex in the city. Maybe one day women will stop letting us write the script.

Do you think there’s a difference in the way men and women approach dating in big cities like New York? Are men lazier? Are women more aggressive? Is it the same in smaller cities? How about where you are today? Why do you think there are such significant differences? All other thoughts are welcome!

Challenge Us. Please,

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Slim Jackson.

Self perception is often flawed in our favor.

I’ll be honest, if I begin to genuinely like a woman and want more from her than to be some guy she is dating, I am going to ask myself: “Is this the best I can do?” It’s not a simple yes or no question. Like most people, when it comes to choosing one person I want to spend the rest of my life with, I don’t want to feel like I settled – whatever that means. This is where things get tricky.

It becomes an internal assessment of needs versus wants. What do I need in a woman versus what do I want in a woman? The need part is simple. All I need in a woman is someone to whom I am physically and emotionally attracted. Yes, that’s it. I could come up with a long impressive list but for me, being physically and emotionally attracted to a woman is the foundation for the start of a relationship.

I need to be attracted to you physically and I need to be attracted to your personality. I need both.  If you’re FINE but your personality is ugly we won’t work and if you’re ugly but your personality is FINE, we still won’t work.

When we start incorporating wants, along with needs, is when things get complicated. Wants, by definition, are unneeded. If a relationship were a home, wants would be the furniture within the house. Needs would be the walls and the roof. A home can exist without furniture; it will crumble without walls and a roof. Once I’ve established a strong foundation of physical and emotional attraction I need to determine how many wants I need to have versus how many wants I would like to have. While I have simplified everything here today, this is basically the cause for why my relationships have failed or succeeded.

For example, let’s say I’ve found a woman who is physically and emotionally attractive. Great! That’s a good start but that’s all it is, a start. Now I have to figure out the wants, which are often scaled e.g. from 1 to 10. Then I must ask myself how important her strengths are relative to her weaknesses. Is she: educated, out-going, have kids, health conscious, a self-starter, mature, unselfish, communicative, willing to compromise, and did she answer the seven silent questions correctly? What are her: hopes, dreams, ambitions? Does what she want align with what I want? Finally, just because I desire all these qualities in her, does it mean I am worthy? What have I done to be with such a woman and in turn, would obtaining her mean that she has settled to be with me? In this instance, being the first to propose may not be the same as being her first choice.

I am not alone in my confusion on what constitutes settling. In 2010, Lori Gottlieb wrote an entire book about it. In 2011, Drake wrote a whole song about it. We all have friends, family, or perhaps even ourselves who are currently in (or were once in) relationships that made us say to ourselves, “I’m just sayin, you can do better. Tell me have you heard that lately?” On this very premise, the 42-yr old un-happily single mother turned author, Lori Gottlieb, wrote a post for the Atlantic Journal, which she then turned into a full book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. It was met with a firestorm of upheaval from a mostly female audience. An Oprah book club reviewer described it in the following manner:

Gottlieb’s piece polarized readers. Some said her argument was common sense, that women must confront the biological realities that suggest they’re most marriageable when they’re young and fertile. Other readers said she was telling women to sell out their dreams and shut down their hearts.

Maybe the protest was a result of the fact that women are primarily the ones instructed to settle to be in a relationship. Conversely, men are not only not encouraged to settle but are in fact expected to pursue the best. Ironically, this sentiment is often championed by both sexes. With men wondering why the guy with everything going for himself settled for the “regular girl” and women wondering the same even if it would benefit both to encourage it. In other words, men and especially women wonder why men pursue the typical trophy Stepford Wife, yet men and women chastise highly successful men who chose to buck this trend by settling for the average woman.

Theoretically, on a timeline of forever, can’t you always do better? Won’t there always be someone more attractive? Younger? Smarter? Funnier? Richer? Maybe even more compatible than the one you’ve chosen to be with? Therefore, at what point (or age) do your standards or preferences equate to unreasonable expectations? What if you wait too late or equally heart-wrenching, realize that you settled too early when you finally meet “The One” only after you settled for some-one instead…

Is telling someone to settle, like Lori, or suggesting someone has settled, like Drake, truly an insult? Is choosing to be with some-one that meets all of your needs but not all of your wants worse than being without The One? Can you be content without being happy? How long do you continue to pass up the men/women in your life now for the man/woman in your dreams? Does settling for the former mean you’ve given up or simply accepted reality and which, if either, is a worse fate?

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from wisdomismisery.

We’d met three years prior on a day trip organized by a mutual friend. On that day we left behind whatever was going on in our real lives and let ourselves be baptismically immersed in the innocent flirtations our attraction forced us to face. An hour or so into the ride home, I put my arm around her as she nestled into the sweet spot between my shoulder and chest and we drifted off to sleep. It’s amazing how intimate the simple act of falling asleep with someone can be; you wake up feeling closer and more connected to them, as if you’d spent the last few hours dancing together through decades in Inception-like dreams. But we woke up and the waking reality of where we were at that point in our lives paled in comparison to the magic we’d captured in that other world. We talked for a month or two after the trip but it just wasn’t the same.

Have you ever had one of these experiences where you spend a few hours or days of perfection with a person someplace outside of your real, daily life? Did you try to maintain the relationship after? How did it work out? In my experience, these sorts of relationships rarely succeed. Relationships work better when they are founded against the backdrop of your typical, everyday circumstances. What do you think?

Three years later after reconnecting through the same mutual friend, we’re laying in bed, my arm is around her, and she’s back in her sweet spot. We’d spent the prior month or so doing the things two people who think they’re falling for each other do. Going out on dates, talking on the phone till the wee hours of the morning, playing the “hang up on the count of 3” game only to laugh hysterically when we get to 3 and neither of us hangs up. You know, all of that corny stuff that feels special and worthwhile at the time. And then we made love and it was good … really good. Now we’re seeing each other. There were no “so what are we” conversations but both of our intentions seemed clear. Everything was moving along quite nicely when three years after initially meeting one another, two months after reconnecting, and one month after having begun sleeping together, I was caught a little off guard when while laying in bed she looked up at me and said “I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to be real … I have a boyfriend.” She proceeded to tell me how she’d been with dude for about a year and a half but also how the relationship had been dying a slow death for the last six months. She told me about how poorly he’d treated her and how she’d wanted to leave but couldn’t muster the courage. I sat there silently digesting all she said realizing that as each of her words passed we grew closer to the inevitable end of our affair. Her selfishness didn’t anger me and I wasn’t the least bit bothered that she’d made me an unwitting accomplice to her infidelity. My disappointment lay in the fact that her actions put a definitive expiration date on something I’d hoped would be indefinite.

When she finished pouring out her heart, she looked up at me and asked “so, what do you think I should do?” I knew what she wanted me to say. In her mind, I was supposed to tell her that she should leave him and be with me, that I cared for her, and that I wanted her for myself. I said no such thing. “I think you should go back to him,” I told her. I told her that she needs to go back to him and figure out what she wanted or what she didn’t want out of their relationship – irrespective of me. I told her that our relationship, at this point, had very little chance of success because all of her feeling for me were comparative and not intrinsic. She liked me because I was not him – and while that’s fun for now, it’s not a strong enough foundation to build a lasting relationship upon. I told her that her leaving him for me would put too much pressure on our relationship, making it impossible for it to grow naturally … organically; she’d always be comparing what she has to what she left. She tried her best to convince me that her feelings for me were “real” and not based on how I compared to him but I was unmoved.

Have you ever left one person for someone else? How did that the two relationships compare? Would you describe the second one as successful? Also, how do we feel about the idea of “taking” someone’s girl/guy. Does the mistreatment of your love interest by their significant other justify you snatching them away? Is that the act of a hero or a nave?

We cut off all communication with each other for awhile to give her time to sort through all of her emotions. As you might have guessed, two weeks later they were broken up and she was once again searching for her sweet spot with me. When she came back, she listed for me all the reasons why they broke up. She did her best to make it clear to me that she was totally over him and over the relationship and she even told me that them breaking up didn’t necessarily mean her and I would get together. She said all of the right things and we slowly settled back into seeing each other. I liked her a lot and I loved spending time with her, but despite all this, something just didn’t seem right. The emotional freedom that existed at the beginning of our affair was gone, replaced by a barely noticeable but inescapable sense of impending doom. Prior to her revelation, we’d never argued and now we’d find ourselves in awkward little tiffs. We’d never grow tired of each other’s company and now we were beginning to annoy each other.

The boiling point came one evening after a particularly uninspired round of togetherness. Laying there, I told her that I didn’t think we were going to work. That it was probably best if we ended it here before the annoyance and discontent permeating our relationship grew into hatred and loathing. She didn’t take this so well (it was here that I learned that breaking up right after sex is not such a good idea). We argued. Really, she argued. She fought for us. First telling me that she would not let me give up on “us” so easily; that she would not let me run from my feelings. It took almost an hour to show her that she didn’t really believe that was the case. Then her hurt turned to anger as she accused me of using her, of taking what I wanted from her without ever giving her anything in return, but she didn’t believe that either. Finally, her brain too tired to hide what she really felt, from the overflow of heart came the truth: “I just feel like … I left him for you, and now you’re leaving me.” She realized what her words meant as soon as she said them. The tears dried and she began to calm. It was then that she came to know what I already knew: it would never have worked. Relationships are fragile and romance is delicate. Everything counts – from when you meet to how you meet to why you meet – it’s all important. All the pieces matter. We learned this together … at the end of our affair.

What do you guys think? Did I do the right thing in ending things? Should I have given the relationship more of an opportunity to flourish? Have you ever been in a similar situation? Ever been intimate with someone only to find out they had a boyfriend or girlfriend? What lessons have you learned as the result of failed relationships?

Allow me to reintroduce myself…

Lastly, a small matter of personal branding. Those of you who’ve been reading me for awhile have come to know me as TheMostInterestingManInTheWorld. Well, as new opportunities present themselves, it’s time to start going by the government. Yes, I’m officially retiring the moniker “TheMostInterestingManInTheWorld.” Feel free to continue to call me “Most” if you like, it’s more a formal change than anything. Thanks!

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

Can You Be Thursday?

Loved by a woman you have but moderate feelings for is one of the more frustratingly difficult places a man can find himself. It is even more frustrating when you’ve specifically told this person not to fall and when you’ve given them ample opportunity to avoid falling. I was reminded of what it feels like to be in this place a couple weeks back when I came across TheWeeknd’s song “The Birds pt. 1” on his latest mixtape “Thursday.” The song is an anthem for the man who is available – as far as his technical relationship status is concerned – but unavailable emotionally and not trying to hide that from the women he engages. Zone out to this joint while you read today’s post:

Hope you see, It won’t mean a thing to me, I’ve been doing this too long. Baby girl, I’ve felt it all. So watch out, if you try to play your luck. Aint nobody gonna care enough to catch you fall.

The concept of being emotionally unavailable is pretty natural for most men. Every guy I know has, at some point decided to check out and withdraw from the spiritual, emotional, and physical commitment that comes with “falling in love.” We do this for various reasons: sometimes it’s because we want to focus on our careers, sometimes we’ve been hurt and are not interested in feeling that again, sometimes we have obligations and responsibilities that for a time will supersede our own feelings and sometimes we just know that for the moment … we ain’t about sh*t. Whatever the reason, being emotionally unavailable is a pretty natural phase that comes and goes for most men. Now the fact that we are emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean that we’re no longer desirous of a woman’s attention and affection. It also doesn’t mean we’ve lost the ability to perceive attractiveness and beauty and it most definitely doesn’t mean we’re no longer interested in sex. We will want all of those things, and we’re still going to work toward getting all of those things. Understanding this is essential to understanding the emotionally unavailable man.

So don’t you fall in love. Don’t make me make you fall in love. Don’t make me make you fall in love with a n*gga like me, nobody needs to fall in love. I swear I’m just a bird. Girl, I’m just another bird. Don’t make me make you fall in love with a n*gga like me. Like me.

One of the biggest sources of confusion around emotionally unavailable men is this myth that emotionally unavailable men are, by nature of their existence, flawed. Women often seem to assume that because a man is single, educated, employed, handsome, possessed with great taste, a great wardrobe and is a generally good guy, he is automatically on the market. This is an absolute fallacy. Good guys check out too – as often, if not more often than not so good guys. As I said in the previous paragraph, just because a guy is emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in certain things only found in femininity.

So what are we to do? What’s a good guy to do when he finds himself interested in a woman despite knowing he’s also not ready for something serious? Communicate! The good guy’s answer to everything is effective communication. If we communicate to you, in no uncertain terms, that we’re very interested in you, but not interested in anything serious with anyone, and you choose to proceed, we see that as the green light to be the naturally great guys we’ve always been. This means we’re going to be thoughtful, we’re going to be charming and we’re going to make your friends laugh when you introduce us to them. We’re going to check on you when you’re sick, send you good morning emails and good night text messages. When we go out together, we’re going to do everything we’re supposed to do to make sure you have a good time and if you let us, we’re going to do everything in our power to please you sexually. Why? Because a good guy takes pride in making sure a woman in his company has enjoyed her time with him. Despite our emotional unavailability, that’s still just who we are. And therein lies the rub …

You tried, you tried to warn me. But baby I’m warning you, I’ll show you this is no game. You’ll be falling to the point of no return, no return.

One of the most problematic issues at the core of relationships between men and women is the enigmatic and unpredictable way in which women interpret verbal and non-verbal communication from men. If a douche-bag dude treats a woman like trash, but tells her he loves her ten times a day, she’ll ignore his actions and fall in love with his words. But if a good guy treats a woman the way she deserves to be treated while telling her he can’t love her right now, she’ll ignore his words and follow his actions to oblivion. This is the greatest problem faced by emotionally unavailable men and the women who love them. At the heart of this miscommunication of sorts is the fact that women view emotional unavailability as a sickness, a disease whose cure is undoubtedly – Her. They figure if they can determine why we’re emotionally unavailable, then they can just help us address that issue and all will be right with the world. Still though, no matter how stern our warnings, no matter how many times we tell you that our emotional unavailability is serious and not a game, you still find away to allow yourselves to fall to the point of no return.

I know you’re rolling hard with it, don’t lie. I know it’s got a hold of you. I know you’re rolling with it, baby don’t you lie.

Emotional unavailability is real. Like it or not, it’s something we experience and it’s something our love interests will have to learn to deal with. Further, despite our strict adherence to logic and reason, and despite our perceived dominion over our feelings, the how and why of when we snap out of our emotional unavailability is often completely out of our control. It just happens. And when it does happen, we very rarely end up spending our lives with the woman who loved us throughout our stretch of unavailability. Nope, much to the collective chagrin of women who consistently love unavailable men, we snap out of it and run straight to a new chick. You want to know why don’t you? It’s because men use a formula to assign value to the women in their lives and a large part of that formula is derived from how much we believe that woman values herself. If you’ve been giving us all of you while requiring nothing more than our bare minimum then that negatively affects how much we believe you value yourself and we know in our heart we can never be with you. No matter how much we want to, we can’t build up the motivation to give you everything if we know you’ve been content with us giving you barely anything. We need to be challenged, we need to know that you’ll accept nothing less than everything. We need to believe that twenty, thirty, forty years from now we’ll still be compelled to be the best man we can possibly be by the simple act of you allowing us to continue to be in your presence.

So here’s what I’m wondering now: What do women expect from emotionally unavailable men? What can an emotionally unavailable man do to prevent a woman he’s interested in from falling for him? Should he just lose your number and disappear, is that what you’d prefer? Should he treat you like trash so there’s no confusion about his intentions (or lack of intentions)? And for the fellas, have you been here before? Have you gone through a phase where you were emotionally unavailable. What caused it? What did you tell the women you became interested in during that time and how did those relationships turn out? Most importantly, when and if you came out of it, did you go back to her? Overshare in the comments.

I usually end with “stay low and keep firing” but after the devastation caused by last weeks earthquake, and after Hurricane Irene ravaged the East Coast – we’ve been low and firing long enough: let’s party. With that in mind, SBM will be hosting Happy Hour at The Empire Room in NYC’s Empire State Building this Wednesday, August 31^st from 6pm-10pm. Those of you in New York, we’re expecting you to be there. Please RSVP to rsvp@singleblackmale.org for further information and details.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

If you believe this; I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn, I would love to sell you.

“Because if you gonna do something egregious, you might as well go balls to the wall. If not, just be the hot ass mess that you are.” That’s one of my favorite quotes.  There are those situations that we find ourselves in that cause us a great deal of anguish and frustration. Have you ever been so knee deep into a mess of a situation that you couldn’t even reach out to your friends because you already knew they would tell you that you had no business in the situation to begin with? What’s worse is that you actually know that you have no business being in this situation, however you should have known long before reaching the point of anguish that you would be in it.

There was this girl in college that had a rough few semesters before she figured it out. She wasn’t like many of the other freshman young ladies, she wasn’t from a big city and she had never had a boyfriend. When she got to college it wasn’t long before it seemed like The Usual Suspects had ran through her. I heard a story and I am never sure if it was true or folklore that she had slept with almost 8-10 guys within the first two weeks of school. When I met this girl she was nice though. I always found girls from big cities to be a bit more aggressive. That’s fine, an inner city can toughen you up. I thought this girl was actually a very personable young lady and she had a lot to offer to a relationship.

Before we get too far into it today, once again, yours truly, Dr. J and also Carver The Great (@carverthegreat), team up for another mix for the post today.  Download here (http://www.mediafire.com/?iob1odvgqco1ddt), or stream with the link below:

I’ve got this thing about myself, I rarely ever ask about a girl’s past. I don’t want to know. I tell all men that it’s not important how many men a woman has actually slept with or what she’s actually done in her past, it only matters what you think. So when I’m dating a girl, I never ask, (OH I’ll find out some ish if it’s worth knowing), but I never ask. I make an inference based on the way she carries herself and come up with a history in my head. Before bringing this up to anyone, I personally make a decision if I’m willing to deal with all this or not. I think that’s where most people get themselves into trouble is by involving everyone in their decision to deal with someone. They will talk to their friends and review general societal norms to develop what they personally feel about something. To me, that’s always been kind of backwards, especially because I find very few men who are publicly willing to date someone just like them or their friends.

I had a buddy who called me up one day and told me that he needed me to look out for a young lady who was moving to DC. He said her name but it never really dawned on exactly who this girl was until me and the girl were hanging out in DC one time and she told me that while she was dating my friend he cheated on her several times. The irony of this situation is that not only did she just confess to me that he cheated on her several times, but as you can see, I really had no recollection of who she was until she told me this. It was at this point that I put the pieces together and realized that the girl he always said he was “talking to” was in fact his girlfriend. From time to time we would have awkward conversations about relationships and our past and it would always be blatantly obvious that she was talking about my friend. One time she even said, “I’ve always wanted to be nothing more than a wife and mother and raise a family, but I spent a lot of time dating a man who didn’t want those things with me.” She was very attractive and we shared many of the same values about life. I always thought that had we met under a different circumstance we could have been great for one another. It was when those thoughts slipped into our minds caused us to weigh heavily the possibility that we could ever be together.

I’ve got a few rules about the women I date. First rule, nobody is allowed at the wedding who has seen my bride naked. Now I’ll agree with most people that the chances of me ever knowing that some guy at my wedding has seen my wife naked are slim to none because she’s not likely to tell me, but I should at least have some policy in place should it need be enforced.

Second rule, if you never told me that was your girlfriend, then it wasn’t your girlfriend. A man doesn’t leave room for speculation as it comes to the women he’s dating seriously. He makes it known amongst his circle of friends, “This is my woman.” If you don’t do that then you can’t expect your boy to respect that bond. Funny thing about this is that it wasn’t even a personal story that brought me to this conclusion. I had a couple of guy friends who didn’t speak all that much. Well, one got to the other’s girlfriend and in addition to the fact that one didn’t even know the other had a girlfriend, his lady didn’t even know they were close friends.

Third rule, if you’re going to date someone who has been around your network a few times, you have one choice, move to another network. You must be sure that you are willing to put your relationship with this person above the existing friendships and step out on faith that your relationship is stronger than that. You can’t have it both ways.

I met a girl one time at a coffeehouse/bookstore, she was pretty, seemed like the type of girl I’d want to date. This was the first time we met, but I had already asked around about her. Exploratory information only: “Who is she” and “What does she do” or “Who does she hang out with”. Those answers all came back with nothing more except, “To be honest, nobody really knows who she is.” I’ve always been very weary of a person with nothing on their resume. Not that I am searching for dirt, but I had to dig deeper. We had a mutual friend and so I asked, “What’s her deal” and our mutual friend, “I don’t know Jay, she is very liberal with who she sleeps with.” I knew what that meant, but it didn’t stop my interest in pursuing something with her, although it did begin to put a cap on how far I would initially go to court.

Once we offically met in this bookstore we were both sitting around discussing relationships, the conversation got heated and things might have been said that shouldn’t have. The topic of asking about the number of people a person has slept with came up and of course everyone had a lot to say. Most men typically approach this situation the same, they want no parts of the discussion so they say it doesn’t matter. I got the sense that she thought the conversation was a little nonsensical and she even said herself, “I don’t see what the point of asking the question is, what are you going to find out that you will like hearing?” That didn’t really raise a flag to anyone there except me because I had been privy to some information based on my background investigation for her.

Later after this discussion things went to a more social setting, we all settled at a bar and me and her had some one-on-one time. We talked about the conversation in the bookstore and she said I looked disinterested. My response, “Yeah I usually am, I mean I just feel differently about that whole conversation than most people, but it can be misunderstood by a lot of people.” She asked me what I meant and I explained to her this; I’ve always felt like if you refused to disclose your number then you thought you did something bad, if you weren’t afraid to disclose your number then you didn’t think you did anything wrong. I could live with that. She said, “Well, how many people have you slept with?” And I answered, alcohol probably had something to do with that. She then said, “Are you going to ask me?” I said, “Fine, how many?” She replied, “Um.. I think about 30, no maybe closer to 35, but the number is different, are you asking how many of those I was consistently sleeping with?”

Earlier I pointed out that most people make decisions on the people they will date based on the opinions of others. Let me append to that; men truly take into consideration how they look in a situation when choosing a mate. This might surprise you, but if a man meets a girl and he knows that she’s been around, but his boys don’t know, he ain’t going to say nothing, he’ll just let it rock. By the same token, the reason why I always remain quiet when it comes to cheating in relationships is because I truly believe that both sexes are just as likely to cheat, the interesting thing is, a man won’t tell everybody he’s been cheated on. Women will tell everybody they been cheated on and then wonder why their friends judge them for going back to their husband. If you had the privilege to talk to a married couple about infidelity in their relationship, I would be willing to bet that one of the first questions a man will ask is, “Who else knows about this?” That is the quintessential question to a man, (I can’t speak for women), because they know that if this indiscretion in their relationship stays between the two of them, they are willing to work through it.

I can’t share with you if I decided to actually pursue something with any of these three women. I think the point is although many people think circumstances are cut and dry, most times they aren’t. Many of us will find ourselves in situations that from a distance are “hot ass messes.” I’m not sure that matters. I’m sure that none of us are Saints, but we don’t have to be forever Sinners. My main Cole called it perfectly when he said, “She said, she not a hoe, but she far from a virgin.” I was listening to that and I thought, “Keep it real with you, that’s what men want.” I can’t tell any man anything more than this, “Stop looking for the perfect woman, she doesn’t exist. And if she does, she doesn’t want you.” A man is going to date a woman who’s been cheated on before, you’ll date a woman who’s been around, and you’ll date a woman with some baggage. That baggage that a woman carries may be a few kids, or it may be the fact that because of those kids she can’t afford a divorce, or just maybe her dingbat ex-husband won’t sign the paperwork. All I’m suggesting is that, not every woman is going to come fresh out the package, unused, no baggage, no damage, sometimes you got to reevaluate where you stand and what makes you personally happy, sometimes when you stop listening to other people you find something that may work out for you.

- Dr. J

Track Listing on Today’s mix: 1. Me & My B*tch by Biggie, 2. You’re All I Need by Method Man & Mary J. Blige, 3. Freak Though by T.I., 4. Do For Love by 2Pac, 5. Fall For Your Type, 6. Prostitute Flange by Lil Wayne, 7. Me & You Against The World by Musiq, 8. Ex-Factor by Lauryn Hill,  9. Song Cry by Jay-Z, 10. Blame Game by Kanye West

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

Russell Stay Winnin

Sometime around 11th or 12th grade, as all of my male classmate’s growth began spurting and they became taller than our female compatriots, I came to one of my life’s more important realizations: Height Matters.

I’d always known that height mattered if you wanted to be a professional basketball player or a model or something like that – but those things never really interested me. It wasn’t until my late high school years that I realized that height mattered in a more fundamental way, a way that would actually impact my life.  I could sit around a list all of the advantages being tall might afford an individual, but instead, just think of it like this: If a guy who’s 6’’5’ wants to walk 10 feet he probably has to take three or four steps.  If a guy who’s 5’’8’ wants to walk 10 feet he probably has to take four or five steps. That’s pretty much life for a guy who’s not so tall. What I realized when I came to the realization that height mattered and that I was not going to be a tall person was that if I wanted to have the fullest life I possibly could, if I wanted to have the sort of influence I desired, if I wanted to win the way I think I deserve to win, I needed to buttress my not so tallness with complete and utter awesomeness.  In today’s post I’m going to share with you all some of the things I’ve learned along the way

Look Closely at #3 - Prince Rogers Nelson the GOAT - Think he Cares about his Height?

1) Accept the fact that you’re not tall.

One of the worst things you can do if you’re not a tall person is be self-conscious about your height. If you’re not tall you need to accept that fact and keep it pushing. You also have to accept the fact that people will have no problem pointing out to you the fact that you’re not tall.  A dude who’s not tall can be 35 years old and a woman will have no problem telling him he’s “adorable.” You just gotta eat those. There’s something inherently wrong about making fun of a fat person because they’re fat. Likewise, if a person is universally ugly – by every standard of beauty of the face of the earth, it’s not cool to remind them of that. But if you’re short, it’s perfectly ok for someone to call you an oompaloompa. #LifeIsHard, deal with it. You also need to understand that some women have height preferences. When a woman tells you that she only dates men that are over six feet, you have to be confident enough in yourself to look her in her eyes and tell her that she’s totally entitled to that preference and that you make it a point to avoid dating women who prefer to date men who are over six feet.

Being a World Class Chef Makes Height Irrelevant ... Marcus Samuelsson FTW

2) Be Interesting

If you’re not tall, you can’t be lame. There’s nothing worse than being corny and short. Instead be a renaissance man. You need to always be reading a book and always have a new hobby you’re in the middle of developing. You should try to stay up on on the latest happenings in the areas of music, fashion, art and politics and you should be able to convert that knowledge into interesting conversation. Nobody cares if the 6’3’’ dude that just walked in the spot can explain in adult English why we needed to raise the debt ceiling, everyone is too mesmerized by the fact that he had to duck to walk through the doorway. But you and your 5’7’’ self, nobody even noticed when you walked in so when it’s your turn to speak, you need to be Obama. I don’t mean 2011, compromise on everything, Obama, I mean spring 2008 “so what my pastor is racist, you still love me” Obama. Your references and taste should be impeccable. You need to be able to lead a conversation seamlessly from Tolstoy to Tyler the Creator without missing a beat and without sounding pretentious. Because evolution and genetics did all the work in developing the tall man physically- personal internal development on his part is beneficial but not always necessary. The not so tall man needs to make it a point to continuously strive to make himself the best possible person he can be if he plans to win at life.

Sharp

3) Develop your sense of style and keep yourself immaculately groomed.

When you’re not tall you have to be really careful about what you decide to wear. I never got down with the whole baggy clothes phenomenon because oversized clothing makes a not tall man look like a kid playing dress up in his dad’s closet. You also have to be wary of some today’s more current trends. Right now for men, the trend seems to lean toward this semi-couture/semi-urban I care but don’t care sorta look. I blame Kanye.  Thing is, when you’re not tall, dressing like Kanye is not a good look. Wait, let’s be clear – at this point dressing like Yeezy isn’t a good look for anyone, but when you’re not tall somehow, super trendy is easily mistaken for effeminate.  Being short and trendy when you’re a guy is like when a girl is tall and only wears sweat pants and t-shirts. You kinda just assume they play for the other team. Develop your own sense of style. Familiarize yourself with the classics and borrow a few of the more current trends to accentuate the look.

4)Understand the Concept of Home Games and Away Games

It Works if You're T.I.

Home field advantage doesn’t only exist in the realm of sports- there are practical advantages to understanding the difference between a home game and an away game. As it relates to those of us who aren’t tall, you need to understand that certain environments will rarely be conducive to success for you. A perfect example is a club. I have a friend who’s about 6’’3’, 215 lbs. To whit, he’s a handsome dude who’s brown enough to not be light, but light enough to pass the brown paper bag test. When he walks into the club, women don’t just want to sleep with him, they want to procreate with him. They don’t just fantasize about having mind blowing sex with him, they fantasize about mixing gene pools with him. That’s not what women see when they see a not so tall guy in the club. That’s why the club scene, for guys who aren’t tall, will forever be an away game.

Also, women always make it a point to wear their highest heeled shoes when they go out to the club which makes it seem like every chick in the spot is amazonian. Next, if the club is crowded, you might as well be Stevie Wonder. It gets really annoying when your boy keeps trying to point out an attractive woman across the room and all you can see are the shoulders of the four guys in front of you. Besides that, it’s really awkward when that attractive woman starts throwing it back at you as you’re dancing and her a** keeps landing in your stomach area, knocking the wind out of you. It’s just really, really awkward, seriously. Most importantly, the club is a loss for the not so tall man because the loudness of the music mitigates your best asset … your words. You’ve spent all this time developing yourself, making yourself the best conversationalist on the planet but it’s all worth naught because it’s too loud to talk to anyone. The club is an away game. Home games include BBQ’s, Dinners, Lounges and certain house parties.

Look, the purpose of this post isn’t to say that guys who aren’t tall are handicapped or seriously disadvantaged. We don’t need to pass around the collection plate for the vertically challenged.  Truthfully, everyone – regardless of height -  should work on developing themselves in the aforementioned ways. But for the man who’s not very tall, working on these areas will help even the playing field between you and all the nephilim descended folks you might find yourself competing against.  So fellas, especially those of you under 5’9” – do you think your height has had a positive or negative impact on your life – particularly your love life. Has a woman ever told you that you were too short for her? For my tall dudes out there… why are y’all so corny? Just kidding … sort of … No shots though.  Ladies, if you were a ride at a theme park, what height would be the minimum? Where does height fall on your list of desired attributes in a potential mate?

Lastly, quick admin note: For the time being, the homey CEO Slim Jackson is going to be alternating on Thursdays with our comrade Wisdom Is Misery. I’m rocking out on Mondays … gotta keep yall on your toes.

As always… stay low and keep firing…

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

I gotta make that call...

Around this time last week, Drake dropped a new track that may end up on his upcoming LP Take Care called Marvin’s Room. The song is Mixtape Drizzy at his finest, depicting a classic situation in which many dudes have found themselves – drunk dialing an ex to express repressed feelings of regret and defiance. For reference purposes (and because its hella DOPE), check out my dude Lowkey’s breakdown of what Marvin’s Room really means. For those who haven’t heard it, this is an excellent translation to the song.

Now as I listened to the song, I could hear the hurt in Drake’s voice as he spoke from the perspective of a dude who’s been drinking, and going through his phone. He look s at numbers of former lovers. Lovers he may have done wrong. Lovers with whom the relationship didn’t work. Lovers who now have move onto alleged greener pastures. He gets the urge to call, and we all know when the Henny’s in the system, aint no tellin what you can do. He calls and makes a bold proclamation to his former lover that we, in similar positions, may have thought, but never spoke aloud:

“I’m just sayin, you could do better…”

Have I felt like this before? Plenty of times. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. The difference is, I wouldn’t speak these words , or ever give a former significant other the satisfaction of hearing me argue this point. I’m an extremely prideful person, and while pride may be one of seven deadly sins, it’s a sin I on which I predicate my movements.  No matter how inebriated or sorrowful, I never scratched the itch to make that fateful call. My rationale? Why?! That’s the best way to explain it…

Why call up a woman who I’m no longer involved with, who now is booed up, to rain on their parade? To prove to them that they still love me? To give a thesis argument on why the dude she’s with now will never measure up to me? To play chess with her emotions as I calculate 7 moves ahead, devising a strategy to bend and break her will until she finally slips up, admit unresolved feelings, as I declare “checkmate”? Seriously, what is it worth at the end of the day? For all the exhilaration you may get to still see that she thinks about you, still loves you, wishes things happened differently, you lose face and self respect. We all win and lose in relationships, and in life. Losing only lingers when you don’t learn the lessons it teaches. You think LeBron will call up Dirk  months later to ask him if he still thinks about game 6?

Think about it on the flipside: what if s/he doesn’t give you the reaction you thought you’d get? You ever have an ex do you dirty, then try to “touch base” months later to “talk”? They hit you with the ultimate G. They ask why you can’t be friends anymore. They bring up the good times. They try to swindle you out of remembering that while you were together, she was getting her back chiropracted by other dudes, and puts your faults at the forefront. They look at your every reaction, verbal and non-verbal, to see if they get THAT reaction. If they get you to come back home and reconcile on their terms. You open your mouth, and as they think to themselves “Victory is mine!!” in their best Stewy Griffin voice, you speak, and you COOK them! You let them know that their actions and life are bottom! You inform them that their words mean nothing and that you are good (whether you are or not). You offer them no satisfaction and you inform them that whatever they sought from you won’t be found. Not today. Not ever. So now, as you pick up your face, sober up, and realize your soul is in shambles, you wonder to yourself “was it REALLY worth it?”.

Resist the urge to drunk or emotionally dial. Keep your phone away from you. Activiate the beer goggles option on Gmail. Something! I may have a lot of pride, and it may hurt me at times, but it protects me in many instances.  My love of self, and fear of looking stupid in any situation, prevents me from the ominous calls of “FCK that new dude you know we have something special”.  Maybe they can do better. Maybe they’re doing better now. Maybe, some questions are better left unasked.

P.S. This is the last week to vote for SBM in the Black Weblog Awards. We made it in 5 categories and need your support! Best Post Series, Best Group, Best Sex & Relationship, Best Design, and Blog of the Year. You can vote here.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Streetz.

Knowing how to go on an effective date is a bit of an art form. The first thing you have to understand when going on a date is that the whole point is for the two of you to get to know each other while having fun. Many folks have no idea how to extract from the people they date the information they’ll need to gauge compatibility. Today I want to help out by giving 3 questions a guy should ask a girl and 3 questions a girl should ask a guy on their first date.

Man to Woman:

3. Who are your three closest friends?

You can learn a whole lot about a woman by asking about her friends. There’s no real right answer to the question but here are some things you want to look out for in her response:

A) “Best Friend She Keeps Changing” – Most women hold on to friends. If a woman has a new best friend every couple years, there might be cause for concerned. Once she gets into a relationship she’s just going to stop making friends all together and then she’ll want to spend every waking moment of her life with you … and you don’t want that.

B) The girl with no girlfriends – You also want to be careful if a girl says she doesn’t really get along with girls. This isn’t quite a red-flag, but maybe a yellow one. Sometimes she’s just a tomboy who hung out with guys all her life or had a bunch of brothers making her more comfortable with men. That’s not a bad thing. What you want to make sure of is that she’s not that girl in the crew who always does stuff to alienate herself from the rest of the girls. Stuff like buy the same clothes as the flyest girl in the crew or violate the g-code by always flirting with the boyfriends or always come up short on the bill at the restaurant. You don’t wanna date this chick because she clearly has character issues and those issues will always be an issue in your relationship.

2. Are you Democrat or Republican?

This question is way more important for a black man to ask of a black woman, than for a black woman to ask of a black man. I can sort of understand how some black men grow up and turn out to be republican. Usually, black men grow up, get a decent job making decent money, read a little Milton Friedman and figure out they want to be fiscally conservative. I don’t agree with it, but it happens. But it takes a whole lot more for a black woman to be a republican. If a black woman is republican she’s either an idiot who doesn’t follow politics or she’s Condoleeza Rice … you don’t want to date either.

1. Were you and your dad close growing up?

It’s important to get some information about a woman’s relationship with her father because more times than not, a woman’s relationship with her father will influence what she expects and accepts from a man. This isn’t a zero sum game – the woman who grew up in a two parent home and had a great relationship with her dad isn’t better than the woman whose dad was never around – both can make great mates.  Personally I’ve found that women who grew up in healthy two-parent homes usually have an understanding of what it takes to make a long term relationship work. On the flip side, they’re usually spoiled rotten and used to getting their way. When a woman’s grown up without her father in the house, she’s usually very independent, self-motivated, ambitious and focused on achieving her personal goals. On the flip side, they can also be pretty clingy. Once they open up and let you into their heart, it’s really hard to remove yourself and if you hurt them you might make a lifelong enemy. But that’s all just my personal experience, how people deal with their family situations groaning up depends on the individual, the point of this question is to say – you need to figure out what type of woman you’re dealing with and what role her childhood played on making her who she is. Doing so is very helpful in building a healthy relationship.

Woman To Man

3. Are you in a relationship?

Seems obvious, but these days you never know. You don’t wanna end up in a situation where, after 3 or 4 months of seeing somebody you find out he’s in a relationship. As men, we’re idiots. Our whole goal is usually to tell you as little as we possibly can about ourselves. Sometimes this includes disclosing in full our relationship status. We might say stuff like, “oh, I didn’t think it mattered since we’re just kicking it,” or “She’s not really my girl, we broke up, we’re just living together for financial reasons – she’s really my ex though.” This is all stuff some of us only share if you ask because some of us are shady bastards. So just come right out and ask – if we lie and you believe us – at least you asked.

2. How do you feel about Kobe Bryant?

The good Dr. J is going to hate me for this one, but, you can tell a lot about a man based on his reaction to Kobe Bryant. When it comes to Kobe Bryant, the only reaction you should trust from a man who’s not a fan of the Lakers is indifference. Everything else is suspect. If the dude is a die hard Laker fan since childhood, it’s almost understandable for for him to be a Kobe Bryant fan; he lead them to 2 championships and helped Shaq get them another 3 – if you were a Laker fan, you might really like him too. But, if the dude is not a Laker fan, but still loves Kobe … red flags need to go up. If he’s not blinded by his Laker fanhood and is just a Kobe Bryant fan off GP (general principle) he’s not to be trusted. To be a Kobe fan while not a Laker fan is to tacitly endorse all of the foolishness Kobe Bryant has involved himself in over the years, it’s to tacitly endorse the consistent violation of man-law, and it’s to tacitly endorse putting athletic ability ahead of general lameness. On the flip side, you also want to avoid people who “hate” Kobe. Kobe haters are an interesting breed of people. They are as passionate in their Kobe-hate as the Kobe-Stans are in their Kobe-Love. People who feel that deeply about Kobe when they’re not fans of him or his team might have secret insecurity issues and might be allergic to winning.

1. What’s your relationship like with your parents.

We’re at a point in the history of black america where most of our men are being raised by women. Because of this, it’s pretty important that you get to know the way a kids relationship with his parents has influenced his maturation. As with women, there is no right or wrong answer, it’s all about gaining understanding. Here are some things to look out for:

A) The Mama’s Boy. There’s absolutely nothing worse than a dude with an unhealthy attachment to his mom. It’s one thing to love your mom, it’s one thing to be really close to your mom, it’s another thing entirely to expect or need every woman you’re with to be your mom. At some point the umbilical cord needs to be cut and a man needs to strike out on his own and learn to take care of himself. Unless you’re ready to be a parent, avoid mamas boys.

B) The Apple ain’t fall far enough from the tree. It’s often said that we grow up to be our parents. If a guy had great parents this can be a great thing – if he didn’t, not so much. As men, we all need to take the time time to identify the cyclical patterns we see occurring in our family’s history. We need to work hard to maintain the positive ones and work extra hard to break those cycles that prove to be destructive and not conducive toward building strong foundations. If you notice unhealthy patterns in a mans relationship with his father – ones he’s not actively making an effort toward breaking … major red flag.

Obviously, you want to make sure you have fun on a first date so if you can’t find a way to interject these questions above into your conversation in an interesting and not-so-intrusive sort of way, save them for your next date or next conversation.  The point is to get an understanding before you find yourself in love. You want to have somewhat of an answer to most of these before you invest too much time in a person you’re not going to be able to be with. That said – what are some other questions you guys have had success with early on in the courting process? What questions do you always ask of a new love interest, what questions to you wish they would ask you?

See you all sooner than later – till then …

Stay Low and Keep Firing

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

YOUNGER IS NOT DUMBER: I’ve had relations with a lot of younger chicks; it had nothing to do with taking an advantage of a younger mind. I was messing around with a 25 year old chick at the same time I was seeing a 19 year old and the 19 year old was far more capable of holding a conversation or arguing a point than this older chick that was raising a child. And that’s not an exception to the rule, girls in their late teens early twenties who are immersed in college life, tend to be thinkers.

COMIC BOOK BODY: When I was growing up you knew who was grown by how she was filled out, but in the past ten years it’s been hard to tell how old a girl is because they’re developing D cups and Minaj booties before their old enough to drink. I’m sure there is a judge out there who has tossed more than a few statutory rape cases out because these girls “don’t look 19 b” *Ma$e voice. And when it comes to the face, I’d rather have a chick going through a slight acne breakout than these ratchets hiding in the shadows of the club with caked on makeup and get mad when the bartender doesn’t card them.

TROPHY: One of my ex-girlfriends saw me driving with my Blasian Baby B**tch and actually followed me to my mother’s house to spy. Please believe I got a call the next day. She really tried to play me like I was picking up girls in front of high schools, and said that all I wanted to do is smash. Of course! I’m a man; my goal is to have sex with the best looking girl I can find.  “That’s not a woman, that’s a little girl, what more can you get from her?” She didn’t want to protect this 18 year old girl from being dogged out, she was jealous. I should have said, “Well she got accepted to the university of Maryland, is built like Rogue, and has long hair, where as you dropped out of school to work at the mall, have five years tops before your breast begin to sag, and spend all of your disposable income on hair weave”…but I was afraid of her so I just hung up.

WHY SO SERIOUS:  My homie who is now open off these 90’s babies sent me a text to rub it in, “sour apple bitter b**tches I’m not F’ing with them”. Since he moved to LA he’s been dating girls who have been broken by love or broken by their failed careers and now he gets to talk on the phone with girls who aren’t worried about mortgage or marriage and he’s doing the dance of joy. Girls just want to have fun until they hit 26 and don’t have a ring on their finger, but Men just want to have fun until they put us in the grave.

A dead woman once said “Age ain’t nothing but a number”, and if a girl looks good a guy will holla regardless if she’s 32 or 22. But I endorse going younger whenever possible. I met my fiancé when she was 19 and to this day she still asks “how old did you think I really was” and I say, “It didn’t matter if you were 17 I was going to get you”.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from NC 17.

Quite the opposite.

**Phone rings**

Slim: F*ck. Who is this calling me? 516 area code? I don’t even know this number. Eh, I’ll answer it.
Jennifer: Hey Slim. It’s Jenn. Long time no talk.
Slim: Oh sh*t. Hey Jenn. What’s good? Long time no talk indeed. How are you?
Jenn: I’m doing well. **Proceeds to make small talk about her life and all the good things that have happened.
Slim: That’s what’s up. Glad to hear you’re doing well. (I had a feeling this was a closure call.)
Jenn: Thanks. I wanted to ask you something though.
Slim: No doubt. What’s that?
Jenn: Why wasn’t I good enough?

When she said these words, I didn’t know how to respond. I pseudo-coughed to buy myself some time before continuing.

Slim: Whaddaya mean? I’m confused.
Jenn: You said you didn’t want a girl and now you been dating someone for 6 months. I just wanna know what happened.
Slim: Oh wow. That’s an interesting question. You’re really cool peoples. Kinda surprised you’d call me and ask something so direct.

This turned out to be one of most difficult conversations I’ve had in my life. I had dealt with Jenn for about 7 months under the agreement we were just having a good time. I told her upfront that I wasn’t looking for a girl and that I was focused on myself and ensuring that I didn’t commit to something I wasn’t ready for. She accepted it then…or so I thought. Little did I know she just said that in hopes of coming across cool and agreeable.

Jenn: I thought we had something special. It kinda hurts me to see that you went back on your word and ended up dating someone else.
Slim: …………………………………………………..

Jenn was an amazing woman. She just wasn’t amazing enough for me. We spent a lot of quality time together, but it never went anywhere other than the bedroom. I talked to other chicks and was under the assumption that she talked to other dudes even though I never explicitly asked. For her to call me asking why things didn’t work out made me question if I had been clear enough. I replayed our first conversations and I knew that I conveyed what it was that I felt at the time. I really didn’t wanna date her. She had said some things along the way that turned me off, but I knew we could still kick it and have a good time with minimal repercussions. The words looped as I grasped for the right words to say.

Jenn: I thought we had something special. It kinda hurts me to see that you went back on your word and ended up dating someone else.

Jenn wasn’t right for me in terms of a relationship. I knew it the whole time, but didn’t see a reason to voice it since she understood what we were. She never said anything crazy per say, but I just knew that we weren’t meant to be even though I liked her. Jenn had most of the qualities I wanted in a woman except a crucial couple. She was really judgmental and I had some things going on in my life that I knew I couldn’t share with her and it bothered me enough to make me write her off as a girlfriend. She was in a category she didn’t wanna be in.

I could tell she was getting emotional. The pain was obvious in the peaks and valleys of the wave that was her voice. I hate making women feel like sh*t. As G as I wanted to be, I still considered her feelings even though we hadn’t spoken in months.

Jenn: I really thought we clicked. We never had an awkward conversation or a dull moment.

She was right, but I just wasn’t completely feeling it. And yet, here I was trying to explain why I had opted out of a potential relationship with her in order to pursue something special with someone else. It was a pretty f*cked up phone call. It’s probably part of the reason that I hate talking on the phone so much. I never know what someone’s gonna hit me with.

It’s a tough pill to swallow for a woman to be head over heels for a man then hear him explain why he isn’t ready, then watch him go off and commit to somebody else. It happens a lot more than we’d like to admit, but it’s a harsh and raw reality. I went on to say something general like everything happens for a reason. I could tell she wasn’t completely satisfied with my answer. And quite honestly, neither was I. In the end, I just told her she said some things along the way that led me to believe we’d have some problems down the road. She probed, but I didn’t go any further.

The reality is that just because you put in the work doesn’t mean the relationship will follow — especially when the other person told you they’re not trying to go there. Sometimes words do speak louder than action. Be real with yourself and maybe you’ll realize that you might be wasting your time. I did realize something. Unfortunately for her, the realization was that she wasn’t the one. This probably wasn’t the closure she was looking for.

Violins,

P.S. Check out my new personal blog at www.therealslimjackson.com. I’m doing 30 posts in 30 days for the month of May to get my content game up. It’s as real as the name of the site. You might like what you see there.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Slim Jackson.