If you’re a man like me, you’ve known this woman.  You’ve bought her drinks at the bar, she’s sat across the table from you on dates, and she’s laid next to you in bed. She’s been a lover, a significant other, a friend with benefits.  She’s perfect, possessed with everything you might ever desire in a long term partner and potential wife.  If you’re a man like me, at some point in your life you’ve been with a woman who you could have married but did not. As men, sometimes we need to sit back and reflect on the women we’ve known and why these relationships with seemingly perfect people didn’t work out.

We fell apart, the bond was broken, should’ve kept our thoughts between ourselves. And though they say they cared, they didn’t help. Makes me wonder, should we blame ourselves?

One of the most unpredictable aspects of love is chemistry. We love to think that when two perfect people get together, the perfect relationship is inevitable. Unfortunately, love often has other ideas. No amount of individual perfection can overshadow bad chemistry; sometimes two souls can’t help but repel each other. On paper it made sense, to all of your friends it made sense, but when faced with the prospect of spending forever with this seemingly perfect woman, you knew it wouldn’t work. No matter how hard you tried you were never going to be able to develop an emotional attachment strong enough to pass the test of time.

What makes these situations difficult is that as men, we often attach a greater value to chemistry than do women. For us, chemistry is near the top of the list of things we expect out of long term mates. No matter how ambitious and intelligent she is, no matter how loving she is, no matter how beautiful she is, if we don’t click, we won’t consider spending forever with her. We may loiter in her life for a while, but when it comes down to it, we know we’ll never commit long term. Women, it seems, are different. For a great many women, bad chemistry doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. It’s something that can be worked around if everything else is securely in place.

Lyric: Jason, I am trying to love you, but I don’t want my heart broken. But that’s exactly what you’re gonna do if you keep trying to save a brother that don’t want to be saved! 

In order for any situation to work there must be an alignment of two people at the right time and the right place.  The right place does not necessarily mean physically, but more often than not, it means mentally.  Women are likely to drop everything they are doing and make the relationship work.  They may have dreams of greatness but they set aside their goals for their men when they are under the impression that they’ve found a lifetime companion.

For men, life’s responsibilities almost always supersede relationships.  We sometimes prioritize things differently than women, and are rarely thrown off.  As men, we have plans and we plan on seeing them through.  And isn’t that what’s attractive about the choice picks of our gender, the ability to both conceptualize and execute?  It’s never crossed my mind that perhaps I’m letting my present situation affect my future happiness. I’m always convinced that when I’m ready, I’ll be able to find the right woman. I do not know if most women think this way. From my perspective, it seems like the ladies are way more willing to set aside personal goals and personal ambition if they’ve found a man they deem worthy of such sacrifice.

“Know when to leave when the heat is coming, I learned that.  This is where DeNiro would be if he ain’t turn back.”

In Michael Mann’s classic caper flick Heat, Robert DeNiro’s character is a pursued bank robber with but two more steps to take to reach freedom. Instead of waking away, he decides to turn back to go after his love. It doesn’t end well, hence the above referenced Jay-Z lyric. As strange as it might sound, the willingness to walkaway from a bad situation, no matter the consequences, is not only applicable to career criminals, but also to two individuals in love.  I have friends who’ve had on again off again relationships with women they’ve known since college. In their minds, when they finally decide to settle down, she’ll be the one they settle down with. The problem is while we may have ideas around the how of when we’ll settle down with these women, we rarely consider their plans. We just expect our women to understand and to go along with us as if there’s some tacit agreement. We figure we’ll be ready to settle sometime between 30 and 35. Never mind the fact that she’d always dreamed of being married by 25.

This is where the willingness to walk away becomes paramount. If we’ve both communicated our plans, and neither of us are willing to compromise or budge, we both need to be willing to walk away – no matter how perfect for each other we might be and no matter how much love might exist between the two of us. You never know, sometimes one individual showing they have the will to step back from a situation that isn’t to their long term benefit can inspire the other to meet halfway and make the relationship work.

Most, if not, all of my relationships are birthed out of the thought that something substantial could come of them.  It may not have been marriage, because not every relationship must end in marriage. But no matter how perfect the relationship could have been and no matter how difficult the break up, there’s always something to be learned. As men, we reserve the right to not marry a woman, or give her the relationship she desires, if we know it’s not sustainable. That’s the hardest part about being a decent man and it’s also the hardest thing to accept for women who have everything to offer.  They did everything right and ended up with nothing. Sometimes, that’s the way love goes.

Have you ever had the perfect relationship fail because of chemistry, bad timing or your unwillingness to walk away? What happened when perfection failed?

- Dr. J

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

Tis the season!

The pages on the calendar have turned once again to reveal the month of September. Summer is winding down, school is starting again, and vacations are ending. Days are shorter, nights are colder. Soon you will feel a primal urge for companionship engulf your natural senses. You will feel compelled to seek out new yams, and new civilizations. You may wake up, with a scruffy beard, hair ruffled, nails unmanicured, and wonder why you have lost temporary control over your faculties. The reason for all this hoopla can only mean one thing, and one thing only… Cuffing Season Back!!

Now, far be it from me to leave you out in the cold, without some proper guidelines to navigate through this tumultuous time.  I have fallen victim to the cuff at one point in time, like everyone else, and I have some tips that should help. Allow me to demonstrate to you how to navigate in areas which contain scavengers.

Make first contact before everyone else

Procrastination is the characteristic of an underachiever. If you want to properly cuff, you have to reach out to potential cuffees before anyone else. The early bird gets the worm, and if you want to avoid lonely nights with bon-bons and harry potter novels, you need to contact your cuff interests right out the gate. if you haven’t sent preliminary kick-off texts or emails, you are behind in the game. Get crackin!

Eliminate potential dead end choices

The Struggle is Real

Some of you people hustle backwards. You will try to cuff those that already have a cuff buddy, or worse, you’ll try to cuff someone in a relationship. Stop thinking 90210 and Entourage are accurate representations of what YOU can accomplish! You have to look in the mirror and be real with yourself. Be real about the type of guy/gal you are, your cuffing potential and your personal cuff appeal. based on that, you should know who’s in your league, and who you should cuff from afar.

Utilize the ancient art of the mass text

Cuffing is a game of numbers. You need to maximize your return on investment. The  mass text message was the best thing to happen to cuffing  since the Blackplanet college chat room.  Think about it: You have the ability to contact multiple sources of your affection with one word – “Hey”. The word hey is a noun, adjective, and adverb! When used in mass text messaging, that one word speaks novels to a kindred cuffing soul. Anyone prime for the cuff will read that one word sentence, and in their minds it will read “Thinking of you, wanted to know what you were doing…miss u!”…and you’re in there SON!

Diversify your methods of cuff solicitation

No one wants to be a one trick pony. Texting solely can work in the short run, but if you’re trying to make an entire cuffing SEASON, you want to be different. You want to be dynamic. text messaging is cool, but pick up the phone and call. Let her hear the subtle desperation in your voice and you solicit her to be the plate on which her yams can rest comfortably. Ladies, hit him with the subtle direct message with something cute but seductive. Unlock the growing potential of Skype! Let them see you in your Sunday best or your #twitterafterdark attire, and put them on a glass! get focused or get left out in the cold!

Show natural but rapid progression in cuff interaction

You don’t want to seem too pressed, but you don’t want to slack on your pimping either. You need to show interest, without looking like a camel in the Sahara fiending for an Oasis. You might meet up for some coffee, dinner, hit the movies, or make it a quiet night at home. Throughout all of this, know that you can’t go too hard, unless she like that (#doubleentendre). Slow and steady will win you a cuff buddy, but you can’t move in slow motion. Know when to press and when to take it easy.

If at first you don’t succeed…

Just like baby girl said above, you gotta keep ti moving. We got at least 4 solid cuff months on the horizon, and if the other party aint feeling you, it’s time to move to the next potential suitor. ALWAYS HAVE A BACKUP PLAN! Remember those mass text messages? Always keep those relationships at arms length. Never let them stray. Do just enough to create a sense of presence, while staying in striking distance.

Cuff for the championship, not the playoff game

You don’t want to lose your clientele. You want to have your cuffstomers return as satisfied patrons. How do you accomplish this? Simple. Cuff like $$ is on the line! Don’t cuff to win the battle, cuff to win the war! Some of you ladies and gents tread the line between simp and smitten, so why let whatever percentage of your dignity that you reserved for cuffing go to waste? You need to recite every word of this video before you attempt to cuff, and you will see nothing but results!

That’s that. These high level guidelines will help you survive lonely nights without your two hands and vibrators to keep you company. You will be able to stare in the eyes of this cruel world, flip it the bird, and yell “I am somebody!!” Sharing is caring though, so drop some knowledge on how to best achieve your cuffing objection.

The Player President

StreetZ aka Cuff master Flex aka Cuff Bagwell aka Sean Cuffy Combs

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Streetz.

Can You Be Thursday?

Loved by a woman you have but moderate feelings for is one of the more frustratingly difficult places a man can find himself. It is even more frustrating when you’ve specifically told this person not to fall and when you’ve given them ample opportunity to avoid falling. I was reminded of what it feels like to be in this place a couple weeks back when I came across TheWeeknd’s song “The Birds pt. 1” on his latest mixtape “Thursday.” The song is an anthem for the man who is available – as far as his technical relationship status is concerned – but unavailable emotionally and not trying to hide that from the women he engages. Zone out to this joint while you read today’s post:

Hope you see, It won’t mean a thing to me, I’ve been doing this too long. Baby girl, I’ve felt it all. So watch out, if you try to play your luck. Aint nobody gonna care enough to catch you fall.

The concept of being emotionally unavailable is pretty natural for most men. Every guy I know has, at some point decided to check out and withdraw from the spiritual, emotional, and physical commitment that comes with “falling in love.” We do this for various reasons: sometimes it’s because we want to focus on our careers, sometimes we’ve been hurt and are not interested in feeling that again, sometimes we have obligations and responsibilities that for a time will supersede our own feelings and sometimes we just know that for the moment … we ain’t about sh*t. Whatever the reason, being emotionally unavailable is a pretty natural phase that comes and goes for most men. Now the fact that we are emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean that we’re no longer desirous of a woman’s attention and affection. It also doesn’t mean we’ve lost the ability to perceive attractiveness and beauty and it most definitely doesn’t mean we’re no longer interested in sex. We will want all of those things, and we’re still going to work toward getting all of those things. Understanding this is essential to understanding the emotionally unavailable man.

So don’t you fall in love. Don’t make me make you fall in love. Don’t make me make you fall in love with a n*gga like me, nobody needs to fall in love. I swear I’m just a bird. Girl, I’m just another bird. Don’t make me make you fall in love with a n*gga like me. Like me.

One of the biggest sources of confusion around emotionally unavailable men is this myth that emotionally unavailable men are, by nature of their existence, flawed. Women often seem to assume that because a man is single, educated, employed, handsome, possessed with great taste, a great wardrobe and is a generally good guy, he is automatically on the market. This is an absolute fallacy. Good guys check out too – as often, if not more often than not so good guys. As I said in the previous paragraph, just because a guy is emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in certain things only found in femininity.

So what are we to do? What’s a good guy to do when he finds himself interested in a woman despite knowing he’s also not ready for something serious? Communicate! The good guy’s answer to everything is effective communication. If we communicate to you, in no uncertain terms, that we’re very interested in you, but not interested in anything serious with anyone, and you choose to proceed, we see that as the green light to be the naturally great guys we’ve always been. This means we’re going to be thoughtful, we’re going to be charming and we’re going to make your friends laugh when you introduce us to them. We’re going to check on you when you’re sick, send you good morning emails and good night text messages. When we go out together, we’re going to do everything we’re supposed to do to make sure you have a good time and if you let us, we’re going to do everything in our power to please you sexually. Why? Because a good guy takes pride in making sure a woman in his company has enjoyed her time with him. Despite our emotional unavailability, that’s still just who we are. And therein lies the rub …

You tried, you tried to warn me. But baby I’m warning you, I’ll show you this is no game. You’ll be falling to the point of no return, no return.

One of the most problematic issues at the core of relationships between men and women is the enigmatic and unpredictable way in which women interpret verbal and non-verbal communication from men. If a douche-bag dude treats a woman like trash, but tells her he loves her ten times a day, she’ll ignore his actions and fall in love with his words. But if a good guy treats a woman the way she deserves to be treated while telling her he can’t love her right now, she’ll ignore his words and follow his actions to oblivion. This is the greatest problem faced by emotionally unavailable men and the women who love them. At the heart of this miscommunication of sorts is the fact that women view emotional unavailability as a sickness, a disease whose cure is undoubtedly – Her. They figure if they can determine why we’re emotionally unavailable, then they can just help us address that issue and all will be right with the world. Still though, no matter how stern our warnings, no matter how many times we tell you that our emotional unavailability is serious and not a game, you still find away to allow yourselves to fall to the point of no return.

I know you’re rolling hard with it, don’t lie. I know it’s got a hold of you. I know you’re rolling with it, baby don’t you lie.

Emotional unavailability is real. Like it or not, it’s something we experience and it’s something our love interests will have to learn to deal with. Further, despite our strict adherence to logic and reason, and despite our perceived dominion over our feelings, the how and why of when we snap out of our emotional unavailability is often completely out of our control. It just happens. And when it does happen, we very rarely end up spending our lives with the woman who loved us throughout our stretch of unavailability. Nope, much to the collective chagrin of women who consistently love unavailable men, we snap out of it and run straight to a new chick. You want to know why don’t you? It’s because men use a formula to assign value to the women in their lives and a large part of that formula is derived from how much we believe that woman values herself. If you’ve been giving us all of you while requiring nothing more than our bare minimum then that negatively affects how much we believe you value yourself and we know in our heart we can never be with you. No matter how much we want to, we can’t build up the motivation to give you everything if we know you’ve been content with us giving you barely anything. We need to be challenged, we need to know that you’ll accept nothing less than everything. We need to believe that twenty, thirty, forty years from now we’ll still be compelled to be the best man we can possibly be by the simple act of you allowing us to continue to be in your presence.

So here’s what I’m wondering now: What do women expect from emotionally unavailable men? What can an emotionally unavailable man do to prevent a woman he’s interested in from falling for him? Should he just lose your number and disappear, is that what you’d prefer? Should he treat you like trash so there’s no confusion about his intentions (or lack of intentions)? And for the fellas, have you been here before? Have you gone through a phase where you were emotionally unavailable. What caused it? What did you tell the women you became interested in during that time and how did those relationships turn out? Most importantly, when and if you came out of it, did you go back to her? Overshare in the comments.

I usually end with “stay low and keep firing” but after the devastation caused by last weeks earthquake, and after Hurricane Irene ravaged the East Coast – we’ve been low and firing long enough: let’s party. With that in mind, SBM will be hosting Happy Hour at The Empire Room in NYC’s Empire State Building this Wednesday, August 31^st from 6pm-10pm. Those of you in New York, we’re expecting you to be there. Please RSVP to rsvp@singleblackmale.org for further information and details.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

Yes I do ... but be loved... that's something else.

When looking across the entire spectrum of human emotion, the feeling I’ve had the most difficult time trying to encapsulate and internalize is without a doubt, love. Love for me has always been a bit of an enigma. I can perceive it in others and I can conceptualize it, but I’ve always had this sneaking suspicion that the way I define it and the way I experience it is starkly different from everyone else. Today I want to explore that. I want to take some time to discuss some of the things I’ve discovered about the innate nature of love and some things I’ve discovered about myself and my approach along the way. Bear with me on this one folks – it’s going to seem like I’m jumping around, but I’m gonna bring it back home – I promise.

The first place I’d like to go in this exploration is science. What does science say about love? Well, like everything with science – it depends on who you ask. Most of the more reliable scientific research defines love as a series of hormones released at varying stages of a relationship. It is the release of testosterone and estrogen when a man and woman first meet that fuels initial attraction. The cause of this release can be a number of things from the obvious characteristics like aesthetics and grooming, to the not so obvious like body language and smell. After that initial attraction is established and the two of you begin exploring that attraction, the part of our brain that controls reward (the ventral tegmental) is activated. This part of the brain causes the release of dopamine – an addictive, ecstasy inducing hormone. You know that feeling you get when you hit the winning shot in a game of basketball, or that feeling you might have when you ace an exam you’ve been studying for – that’s dopamine – your brain’s way of rewarding you for your success. When we are engaged by an individual we’re attracted to, our brain releases dopamine giving us those same feelings of pleasure.

As with most drugs, that “dope” high is fleeting and the longer you’re with someone the more difficult it becomes for that person to stimulate your ventral tegmental and release that dopamine. This is where the hormone oxytocin kicks in. Oxytocin is one of the most amazing things produced naturally by our bodies. To put it plainly, oxytocin is like emotional glue. When released in our bodies it binds us to the individuals responsible for that release. The times where scientists see the greatest amounts of Oxytocin released in humans: you guessed it … during child birth and during an orgasm. This explains why the connection between a mother and her newly born child is immediate and usually unshakeable even though she really doesn’t know the child. Likewise, when two people bring each other to orgasm during sex – particularly if that orgasm is simultaneous, the amount of oxytocin present in the room at that time is off the charts and the bond that is subsequently created is incomparable to any other bond humans have between one another. Sex is natural, sex is beautiful, sex is powerful and as far as science is concerned, sex is love making.

The thing that intrigues me about this scientific approach to defining love is that because all of these feelings we have are caused by our bodies release of specific hormones, the love we feel for others is essentially uncontrollable. We can try and fake it, but truthfully those hormones are either released, or they are not. Now while we can’t control our own hormonal release we can manipulate how others perceive us in order to stimulate a certain hormonal response in them. To put it plainly, based on the science, by perfecting your ability to stimulate hormonal release in others it is completely possible to manipulate someone into loving you regardless of how you may or may not feel about that person.

How does one do this you might ask? Well, if you’re a man unscrupulous enough to want to make a woman fall for you just for the sport – the biological steps are easy. Upon introduction, mind your body language; keep your shoulders back, your chin up and stand close enough to her to indicate interest without violating her personal space. Be clean and don’t wear heavy scents. Our bodies produce natural pheromones that attract the opposite sex but excessive odor caused by uncleanliness or heavy cologne can overpower and distract those natural olfactory aphrodisiacs. Add to that a decent wardrobe, some education and a dash of swag and by now she’s probably attracted, or at least intrigued. All you have to do from here is feed her natural dopamine addiction. The easiest way to do this is to control the consistency and depth of your communication. Instead of having a three hour phone conversation that ends happily having exhausted all there is to talk about, have a one our conversation that leaves her happy, but wanting more. After that, the only thing left is sex. If you can find away to give her the best sex of her life, you’ve pretty much sealed your place in her heart.

Ladies, don’t feel bad, you have this same power over men. Upon meeting a man, wear clothes that afford him the opportunity to take note of the language your body is talking while leaving a lot to his imagination. Don’t be afraid to stand close to him and let him inhale a hint of all that makes you a woman. Add to that a decent shoe game, some education and a dash of swag and by now he’s probably attracted, or at least intrigued. From here, feed his addiction to dopamine by making yourself available to him at your leisure – not his. Then, all that’s left is sex. When the bedroom door closes and the lights go off, introduce him to your Sasha Fierce and your place in his heart will be sealed forever. This may not get you down the aisle – but you’ll at least have access to more of him than any other woman he’s ever known – on your own terms – for as long as you desire.

Look, I realize there are many other factors that can override the impact of hormones – particularly things like culture, social constructs and societal expectations – but biologically, it’s that simple. What separates men from women is that men use these powers indiscriminately and women only use them when a man has already piqued their interest.

So what does all of this say about love? And where do I fit in all of this. I grew up believing that love was this inexplicable, inextricable, natural emotion. I thought it was something that was impossible to avoid and impossible to control. But this belief didn’t coincide with what I was experiencing because – no matter how hard I tried, I never felt it. What I’ve come to understand about myself is that I am one of those rare people whose brain has repressed its ability to allow others to influence my production of estrogen, dopamine and oxytocin at the same rates as everyone else. But the fact that I don’t feel love as much as everyone else doesn’t mean that I don’t know it’s there. I know that I am loved and because I know this, I’m able to reciprocate that love. By developing my own ability to stimulate that release of love in others I’ve been able to give back that which those who love me have given me – even if I’ve never fully accepted their gift. But that still leaves me with one question … am I being manipulative?

And what about you guys? Do you guys notice a difference between loving and being loved? Is your love the result of conscious effort, or is it something completely beyond your control? Anyone out there cold and bitter and incapable of anything related to love? All are welcome here – feel free to share how you got where ever it is you are. I really just wanna know: How do you love?

*Admin Note*

Save the Date! Next Wednesday, August 31, 2011 – The SBM Fam will be hosting Happy Hour at The Empire Room at The Empire State Building from 6-10pm, please RSVP to rsvp@singleblackmale.org for further information and confirmation.

till then, yall know where I am – low and firing.

*Admin Note 2.0*

So that we can maintain site speed and preserve the likable like button, we’ve implemented a new comment system. You’ll find that it has a few cool features. Go forth and be merry with it.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

Fellas, today I come bearing gifts of knowledge and advice. My favorite motto remains “The one thing I truly understand about women is that I will NEVER understand women 100%”. I don’t think the good Lord meant for us to be able to decipher women so easily. Male-Female interaction is a challenge and one of the greatest pursuits in life. I forget who said it, but @DrJayJack continuously brings up the point that you master a craft after putting in 10,000 hours. In other words, the more you do something, the better you get. The more you interact with women, the more you come to understand. In my dealings with the fairer sex, I noticed that their verbal communication can be subtle, yet powerful. If you listen carefully, there are a few buzz words women used that when invoked, mean that you got some ‘splainin to do!

I’ll do it myself

Let’s say she asked you for a favor and you either a) didn’t come through or b) slacked. She will be pissed. Pissed to the point that she will do it herself, and announce it CLEARLY for you to hear. Truth is, she could’ve done it by herself all along, but women like to use the simplest things as bonding exercises. Whether it’s fixing something around the house, helping her research something online, or even accompanying her to the grocery store, she will look for ways for y to bond with one another and do something constructive. When you don’t comply she will shrug it off, but know she is BOILING on the inside and the storm clouds are slowly forming.

It’s not that serious

Lies. It’s ALWAYS that serious. This does hold a caveat that you can best gauge this phrase if you have been arguing. Also, if you two are discussing an issue you know she’s passionate about, and she ends the conversation with that and refuses to speak on her feelings further. Women want to be heard and want you to know their point of view so you never get it twisted. So when she says it isn’t serious, I would take that with a grain of salt. It would be good to tactfully revisit the situation later and concede. Pride can be the Stone Cold Stunner of relationship finishers.

Fine!

Fine is the ultimate conversation finisher. To hear her say fine, means she’s done talking and is plotting her next move. Now, this next move could be that she will sleep it off and come back the next day refreshed, or it could mean she’s gathering a list of your errors, so that she can sound off on you properly when she explains the reasons why she’s angry. When an argument is ended men will rejoice because they no longer have to endure a drawn out conversation about petty bullshit, but when she ends that conversation, with that word, that’s like her walking away from the table in a negotiation and gearing up for a lockout. Stay low and keep firing, word to @MrSpradley!!

Silence

When she is quiet, this does NOT bode well for you fam. You need to Spider-Man swing out the paint immediately. When a woman is left speechless, and it’s not because you dropped your pants and showed her your Sword of Omens, it’s nothing but bad news. You have as much chance of not getting verbally filet’d as Rick Ross has as a cover model for Men’s Health Magazine. When a woman is silent and angry, she is charging up like Goku ready to make her hair glow Gold and unleash a Spirit Bomb of ether in your direction. Only the densest dudes fail to recognize this, and end up on the cutting room floor. Even if you act like a thug, when push comes to shove and she hits you with the silent maneuver, you’re finished yo!

I’ll leave the last one for you to add. What’s some words/phrases that women use when men are about to get torched? Let’s open the lines of communication. Ladies: drop knowledge. Fellas if you know any buzzwords drop them here too. Remember, these words are guidelines and may not be 100% applicable in every situation, but it’s pretty close.

Stick and Stones may break my bones, but duck if she stays silent!

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Streetz.

Russell Stay Winnin

Sometime around 11th or 12th grade, as all of my male classmate’s growth began spurting and they became taller than our female compatriots, I came to one of my life’s more important realizations: Height Matters.

I’d always known that height mattered if you wanted to be a professional basketball player or a model or something like that – but those things never really interested me. It wasn’t until my late high school years that I realized that height mattered in a more fundamental way, a way that would actually impact my life.  I could sit around a list all of the advantages being tall might afford an individual, but instead, just think of it like this: If a guy who’s 6’’5’ wants to walk 10 feet he probably has to take three or four steps.  If a guy who’s 5’’8’ wants to walk 10 feet he probably has to take four or five steps. That’s pretty much life for a guy who’s not so tall. What I realized when I came to the realization that height mattered and that I was not going to be a tall person was that if I wanted to have the fullest life I possibly could, if I wanted to have the sort of influence I desired, if I wanted to win the way I think I deserve to win, I needed to buttress my not so tallness with complete and utter awesomeness.  In today’s post I’m going to share with you all some of the things I’ve learned along the way

Look Closely at #3 - Prince Rogers Nelson the GOAT - Think he Cares about his Height?

1) Accept the fact that you’re not tall.

One of the worst things you can do if you’re not a tall person is be self-conscious about your height. If you’re not tall you need to accept that fact and keep it pushing. You also have to accept the fact that people will have no problem pointing out to you the fact that you’re not tall.  A dude who’s not tall can be 35 years old and a woman will have no problem telling him he’s “adorable.” You just gotta eat those. There’s something inherently wrong about making fun of a fat person because they’re fat. Likewise, if a person is universally ugly – by every standard of beauty of the face of the earth, it’s not cool to remind them of that. But if you’re short, it’s perfectly ok for someone to call you an oompaloompa. #LifeIsHard, deal with it. You also need to understand that some women have height preferences. When a woman tells you that she only dates men that are over six feet, you have to be confident enough in yourself to look her in her eyes and tell her that she’s totally entitled to that preference and that you make it a point to avoid dating women who prefer to date men who are over six feet.

Being a World Class Chef Makes Height Irrelevant ... Marcus Samuelsson FTW

2) Be Interesting

If you’re not tall, you can’t be lame. There’s nothing worse than being corny and short. Instead be a renaissance man. You need to always be reading a book and always have a new hobby you’re in the middle of developing. You should try to stay up on on the latest happenings in the areas of music, fashion, art and politics and you should be able to convert that knowledge into interesting conversation. Nobody cares if the 6’3’’ dude that just walked in the spot can explain in adult English why we needed to raise the debt ceiling, everyone is too mesmerized by the fact that he had to duck to walk through the doorway. But you and your 5’7’’ self, nobody even noticed when you walked in so when it’s your turn to speak, you need to be Obama. I don’t mean 2011, compromise on everything, Obama, I mean spring 2008 “so what my pastor is racist, you still love me” Obama. Your references and taste should be impeccable. You need to be able to lead a conversation seamlessly from Tolstoy to Tyler the Creator without missing a beat and without sounding pretentious. Because evolution and genetics did all the work in developing the tall man physically- personal internal development on his part is beneficial but not always necessary. The not so tall man needs to make it a point to continuously strive to make himself the best possible person he can be if he plans to win at life.

Sharp

3) Develop your sense of style and keep yourself immaculately groomed.

When you’re not tall you have to be really careful about what you decide to wear. I never got down with the whole baggy clothes phenomenon because oversized clothing makes a not tall man look like a kid playing dress up in his dad’s closet. You also have to be wary of some today’s more current trends. Right now for men, the trend seems to lean toward this semi-couture/semi-urban I care but don’t care sorta look. I blame Kanye.  Thing is, when you’re not tall, dressing like Kanye is not a good look. Wait, let’s be clear – at this point dressing like Yeezy isn’t a good look for anyone, but when you’re not tall somehow, super trendy is easily mistaken for effeminate.  Being short and trendy when you’re a guy is like when a girl is tall and only wears sweat pants and t-shirts. You kinda just assume they play for the other team. Develop your own sense of style. Familiarize yourself with the classics and borrow a few of the more current trends to accentuate the look.

4)Understand the Concept of Home Games and Away Games

It Works if You're T.I.

Home field advantage doesn’t only exist in the realm of sports- there are practical advantages to understanding the difference between a home game and an away game. As it relates to those of us who aren’t tall, you need to understand that certain environments will rarely be conducive to success for you. A perfect example is a club. I have a friend who’s about 6’’3’, 215 lbs. To whit, he’s a handsome dude who’s brown enough to not be light, but light enough to pass the brown paper bag test. When he walks into the club, women don’t just want to sleep with him, they want to procreate with him. They don’t just fantasize about having mind blowing sex with him, they fantasize about mixing gene pools with him. That’s not what women see when they see a not so tall guy in the club. That’s why the club scene, for guys who aren’t tall, will forever be an away game.

Also, women always make it a point to wear their highest heeled shoes when they go out to the club which makes it seem like every chick in the spot is amazonian. Next, if the club is crowded, you might as well be Stevie Wonder. It gets really annoying when your boy keeps trying to point out an attractive woman across the room and all you can see are the shoulders of the four guys in front of you. Besides that, it’s really awkward when that attractive woman starts throwing it back at you as you’re dancing and her a** keeps landing in your stomach area, knocking the wind out of you. It’s just really, really awkward, seriously. Most importantly, the club is a loss for the not so tall man because the loudness of the music mitigates your best asset … your words. You’ve spent all this time developing yourself, making yourself the best conversationalist on the planet but it’s all worth naught because it’s too loud to talk to anyone. The club is an away game. Home games include BBQ’s, Dinners, Lounges and certain house parties.

Look, the purpose of this post isn’t to say that guys who aren’t tall are handicapped or seriously disadvantaged. We don’t need to pass around the collection plate for the vertically challenged.  Truthfully, everyone – regardless of height -  should work on developing themselves in the aforementioned ways. But for the man who’s not very tall, working on these areas will help even the playing field between you and all the nephilim descended folks you might find yourself competing against.  So fellas, especially those of you under 5’9” – do you think your height has had a positive or negative impact on your life – particularly your love life. Has a woman ever told you that you were too short for her? For my tall dudes out there… why are y’all so corny? Just kidding … sort of … No shots though.  Ladies, if you were a ride at a theme park, what height would be the minimum? Where does height fall on your list of desired attributes in a potential mate?

Lastly, quick admin note: For the time being, the homey CEO Slim Jackson is going to be alternating on Thursdays with our comrade Wisdom Is Misery. I’m rocking out on Mondays … gotta keep yall on your toes.

As always… stay low and keep firing…

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

What Could Go Wrong?

Looking back on it, she was a great person. She was attractive, funny, smart, and she treated me as well as any woman has every treated me. All of this makes it really difficult to understand why I felt the need to break up with her after only 4 months of dating. But that’s the way memories are sometimes, they show you an altered reality – what you want to see – not what actually was. When I look back on it honestly, I know exactly why we had to break up… I had projected.

Let’s backtrack a little bit. I had been traversing the varying stages of singleness for about a year and I was growing tired. I was tired of going out all the time, tired of feeling like I needed to keep myself spectacularly styled, tired of putting in all the work and effort required to make being a single man fun. I wanted a relationship and it seemed that just as I was coming to this realization, she came along. She would be Lisa. I met Lisa when I was in high school, while working at a woman’s clothing store. We didn’t have the same schedule so we didn’t work together very often, but the two or three times we did, we spent the whole time chatting, joking, enjoying each others company and not getting any work done. After high school we lost touch, but then one day we randomly ran into each other while walking through the mall. We exchanged information and it seemed like the timing was perfect. Summer had just ended, I was coming out of a series of flings and she was about 5 months removed from the relationship she had been in since she was 16 years old.

For the next two weeks we spent our days chatting online and our nights talking on the phone. It seemed like we were trying to fit all of our life’s experiences into each and every conversation. Some nights we’d find ourselves dosing off, fighting to stay awake as we shared some irrelevant tidbit about something we’d seen or known at some point in our lives. As you might imagine, it didn’t take long for us to take our relationship to the next level. We were together and everything seemed perfect.

I can’t remember exactly when it happened but at some point the relationship became arduous. Seeing her was a chore, talking on the phone was a chore, caring about the nonsensical minutia of her day was chore. A couple months prior I was struggling to try and figure out what I used to think about before I started spending all my spare thoughts on her. Now, only two months into exclusivity and I was already looking for a way out and so was she. Thankfully, we didn’t belabor the inevitable. With the writing already on the wall we eventually took an argument that was essentially about nothing, made it about something, dug ourselves into our own little corners and decided that neither of us would budge. We used that argument as the impetus for our break up and as quickly as our budding love had burned, it was now completely and utterly extinguished. We both were left wondering where it all went wrong.

Looking back on it what I realized was that we had projected. When we ran into each other in the mall, the fact that we had “known” each other in high school for a couple of days made it seem like we were long lost friends. When we started talking on the phone, the fact that we stayed on the phone until we could no longer keep our eyes open made it seem like there were endless amounts of things to talk about. When we decided to be together, failure seemed impossible because it seemed like we knew each other better than anyone else had ever known us. The truth was, we didn’t know each other at all. We knew projections of ourselves. I had projected onto her everything I ever desired in a woman and she projected onto me everything she ever desired in a man. We made ourselves believe that we were who we wanted each other to be and that made it impossible for us to ever truly know each other. It made it impossible for the reality of who we really were to ever live up to the fantasy we had envisioned. What I realized was that everyone is interesting when they have their whole lives to share with you. You want to hear about the birthday party they had when they turned five, and about their first kiss and about the first time they fell in love. But the fact that those things are interesting and worth knowing doesn’t always mean you’re compatible. Once you’ve learned all those things, once you’re saturated with knowledge of what they’ve experienced, you have to still find that person interesting and worth spending time with – intrinsically – for the relationship to grow and progress.

Maybe we could have worked. Maybe if we had taken it slow things would have been different. We didn’t and we couldn’t go back. Our relationship ended up in the “it was cool at the time” box with Sega Saturn, half-moon parts and Parasuco jeans with the stripe down the leg. Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever found yourself out of a relationship just as quickly as you’d got into it? Have you ever projected your desires onto someone you were interested in?

Lastly, this is the last time I’m going to say this – please download the novella if you haven’t already! You can get it here:

Secrets Discovered In Memoriam

Stay low and keep firing.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

So if you were black watching tv last night, you were most likely tuned into the BET awards. This award show is the most polarizing awards show ever. People continuously complain about he quality of BETs programming and how they abhor it, yet will turn in to watch faithfully. The best part about that awards show is the twitter commentary that ensues. The slander that is produced with everyone watching simultaneously is so sincere!! One of the highlights came after the awards show, where Free, Kevin Hart, and Big Tigger hosted the afterpaty show. It was pretty normal, but everyone was focused on Free and the phenom which is her booty. It was so crazy, that her ass literally became a twitter trending topic!! Men and women alike paid homage to the rotund and ravishing assets that she possesses, but you knew some people would talk sideways. None more vocal than the new n*kkas who claimed that any praise of Frees backside was null and void because “she has a stomach”. Blank. Fucking. Stare!! Are you new n*kkas for real? That’s what you harp on?! A tummy? I was incensed and went on a tirade, but I realize it takes a village to raise a child, so allow me to coach these youngins on why their position is asinine.

You see new n*kkas fail to understand the concept of the cost benefit ratio. My dude Webster defines this general term well:

cost-benefit analysis – an analysis of the cost effectiveness of different alternatives in order to see whether the benefits outweigh the costs

When we talk about physical beauty, you have to apply this CBA to women as well. In other words, you weigh the good aspects of her physical appearance vs. the bad ones along with factoring in certain demographics to determine whether those qualities that you deem physical deficiencies will outweigh the positive features to lower a woman’s “rating” (majority still use the dime scale, so I’ll stick with that). So let’s apply the CBA to Miss Free shall we?

Positive physical attributes

Pretty face (sorry I don’t hit anything unlike some of you wildebeest wifing dudes so this matters to me), great body overall(anchored by that crazy caboose) nice hair(that real friends wouldn‘t let her cut), natural beauty overall.

Physical deficiencies

A stomach (not a gut, there’s a difference)

So, any sane dude would look on paper and may/may not be convinced that shorty is bad. Or they may take the new n*kkas route and say she’s average or wack because of said pooch. Let’s take the outside factors into the equation and see how they impact her rating

Age

“Black don’t crack” sounds good, but the reality is that we all age differently regardless of race. I will say that black women do tend to age gracefully. This factor is overlooked at times but is undeniable. If you got dudes talking about laying pipework to Patti LaBelle at damn near 70?! Sheesh! Free is 43 years old and she looks amazing. Yo… Shes 43 tho!! You new dudes need perspective. These new chicks will become old chicks soon. That’s when the real comparisons hold weight. Some of these 20 something chicks look ancient bro! The women get younger and you get older. You are not Hugh Heffner fam. Unless you want to rock out until Chris Hansen comes through and crushes the buildings, keep that in mind.

Income

So maybe this is my inner chicken head speaking, but if shorty got $$$ she’ll have the resources to pay for what she needs to get right. Either that or she’ll have enough hush money to keep you smilin & wildin! In a more practical sense, if she’s fiscally responsible, has a good job, knows how to make her money work for her, and makes it drizzle and hurricane when necessary, that’s two arms up \(. .)/ Touchdown!

Lifestyle

Man cannot live by genetics alone, but by the diligence of a healthy lifestyle. If someone drinks heavy, smokes, does hardcore drugs, eats like shit, or doesn’t perform proper upkeep on themselves, it’ll show. This correlates to so many areas. How many times have you seen a BAD chick, and when you introduce yourself, her breath is kicking like Liu Kang? What about if she has a chronic case of yuckmouth. Biggest. Turnoff. Ever! Ladies and gentleman, looking good now is great, but longevity is the sexiest thing on this Earth. I’m trying to win the marathon not the 40 yard dash. You can’t defeat Father Time but you can work with him.

Body Type

Certain physical imperfections can be masked or it’s impact on her aesthetics can be softened depending on body type. Weight on a short woman can and will look way different than on a taller woman. If you’re tall and thick (not fat thick for real) then your body will be proportional. The physical standouts are the taller women who are in crazy shape and hit all those problem areas correctly. They aren’t  the standard however, and if we talk on average, then those women may have “a stomach” but it will look more normal relative to her current body. Free is like 5 ft 3 at most. A lot of women who are bottom heavy like her tend to let themselves go and disguise it as “thickness”. You look at Free and her body relative to her lower thickness is tight for the most part. It’s like she has the genes of a 5 ft 8 woman in condensed form. That means she’s in that “trim to tone” range and not the “Jesus take the wheel” stage of fitness. Yep! Good to go!!

Kids

This is very key! There’s a lot of women who have kids and fall off for obvious reasons, while others just have super Stacy Dash goddess DNA where they bounce back like it’s nothing. The older you get, the more you’ll run into women with kids. Some of these women may not look as hot after poppin out a few rugrats so keep that in mind. The ones that take care of themselves and look better than when they were kid-less, and kept the extra weight from the pregnancy and put it in the right places is a excellent combo! Free has no seeds to my knowledge, but imagine the women that look like her AFTER kids?!?! Man listen…

The X-Factor

Can she cook? Is she a freak? Will she cut the hand off a nikka trying to steal from you? It’s these intangibles, and more, that keep women winning.

These variables, when introduced into the equation of a women’s rating, clearly prove that the beautiful miss Free is winning and these skinny jean wearing, planking ass new n*kkas don’t have good taste.

So now you have your own personal formula to apply when considering how physically appealing on a non biased scale a woman looks. Fellas, what’s funny is women have and continue to apply a CBA to men for years now. That’s why you’ll see “whack dudes” with the baddest women. I mean, I already tried to tell you how ugly dudes stay winning right? Y’all don’t hear me though!

Tune in next week when I discuss The Womens Beauty Recognition Paradox. A Can’t Miss Event!!

In NYC? Today, June 29th, come join me at Human Intonation’s Protection is the New Black: Don’t Ask. Don’t Tell. It’ll be an interactive discussion on sex, relationships, protection usage, and other topics. Not to mention your dude Streetz is a guest panelist! Slim there, Streetz there, Mama there, P there!! Come join us, everybody’s doin it! For more information on the event, click here.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Streetz.

Knowing how to go on an effective date is a bit of an art form. The first thing you have to understand when going on a date is that the whole point is for the two of you to get to know each other while having fun. Many folks have no idea how to extract from the people they date the information they’ll need to gauge compatibility. Today I want to help out by giving 3 questions a guy should ask a girl and 3 questions a girl should ask a guy on their first date.

Man to Woman:

3. Who are your three closest friends?

You can learn a whole lot about a woman by asking about her friends. There’s no real right answer to the question but here are some things you want to look out for in her response:

A) “Best Friend She Keeps Changing” – Most women hold on to friends. If a woman has a new best friend every couple years, there might be cause for concerned. Once she gets into a relationship she’s just going to stop making friends all together and then she’ll want to spend every waking moment of her life with you … and you don’t want that.

B) The girl with no girlfriends – You also want to be careful if a girl says she doesn’t really get along with girls. This isn’t quite a red-flag, but maybe a yellow one. Sometimes she’s just a tomboy who hung out with guys all her life or had a bunch of brothers making her more comfortable with men. That’s not a bad thing. What you want to make sure of is that she’s not that girl in the crew who always does stuff to alienate herself from the rest of the girls. Stuff like buy the same clothes as the flyest girl in the crew or violate the g-code by always flirting with the boyfriends or always come up short on the bill at the restaurant. You don’t wanna date this chick because she clearly has character issues and those issues will always be an issue in your relationship.

2. Are you Democrat or Republican?

This question is way more important for a black man to ask of a black woman, than for a black woman to ask of a black man. I can sort of understand how some black men grow up and turn out to be republican. Usually, black men grow up, get a decent job making decent money, read a little Milton Friedman and figure out they want to be fiscally conservative. I don’t agree with it, but it happens. But it takes a whole lot more for a black woman to be a republican. If a black woman is republican she’s either an idiot who doesn’t follow politics or she’s Condoleeza Rice … you don’t want to date either.

1. Were you and your dad close growing up?

It’s important to get some information about a woman’s relationship with her father because more times than not, a woman’s relationship with her father will influence what she expects and accepts from a man. This isn’t a zero sum game – the woman who grew up in a two parent home and had a great relationship with her dad isn’t better than the woman whose dad was never around – both can make great mates.  Personally I’ve found that women who grew up in healthy two-parent homes usually have an understanding of what it takes to make a long term relationship work. On the flip side, they’re usually spoiled rotten and used to getting their way. When a woman’s grown up without her father in the house, she’s usually very independent, self-motivated, ambitious and focused on achieving her personal goals. On the flip side, they can also be pretty clingy. Once they open up and let you into their heart, it’s really hard to remove yourself and if you hurt them you might make a lifelong enemy. But that’s all just my personal experience, how people deal with their family situations groaning up depends on the individual, the point of this question is to say – you need to figure out what type of woman you’re dealing with and what role her childhood played on making her who she is. Doing so is very helpful in building a healthy relationship.

Woman To Man

3. Are you in a relationship?

Seems obvious, but these days you never know. You don’t wanna end up in a situation where, after 3 or 4 months of seeing somebody you find out he’s in a relationship. As men, we’re idiots. Our whole goal is usually to tell you as little as we possibly can about ourselves. Sometimes this includes disclosing in full our relationship status. We might say stuff like, “oh, I didn’t think it mattered since we’re just kicking it,” or “She’s not really my girl, we broke up, we’re just living together for financial reasons – she’s really my ex though.” This is all stuff some of us only share if you ask because some of us are shady bastards. So just come right out and ask – if we lie and you believe us – at least you asked.

2. How do you feel about Kobe Bryant?

The good Dr. J is going to hate me for this one, but, you can tell a lot about a man based on his reaction to Kobe Bryant. When it comes to Kobe Bryant, the only reaction you should trust from a man who’s not a fan of the Lakers is indifference. Everything else is suspect. If the dude is a die hard Laker fan since childhood, it’s almost understandable for for him to be a Kobe Bryant fan; he lead them to 2 championships and helped Shaq get them another 3 – if you were a Laker fan, you might really like him too. But, if the dude is not a Laker fan, but still loves Kobe … red flags need to go up. If he’s not blinded by his Laker fanhood and is just a Kobe Bryant fan off GP (general principle) he’s not to be trusted. To be a Kobe fan while not a Laker fan is to tacitly endorse all of the foolishness Kobe Bryant has involved himself in over the years, it’s to tacitly endorse the consistent violation of man-law, and it’s to tacitly endorse putting athletic ability ahead of general lameness. On the flip side, you also want to avoid people who “hate” Kobe. Kobe haters are an interesting breed of people. They are as passionate in their Kobe-hate as the Kobe-Stans are in their Kobe-Love. People who feel that deeply about Kobe when they’re not fans of him or his team might have secret insecurity issues and might be allergic to winning.

1. What’s your relationship like with your parents.

We’re at a point in the history of black america where most of our men are being raised by women. Because of this, it’s pretty important that you get to know the way a kids relationship with his parents has influenced his maturation. As with women, there is no right or wrong answer, it’s all about gaining understanding. Here are some things to look out for:

A) The Mama’s Boy. There’s absolutely nothing worse than a dude with an unhealthy attachment to his mom. It’s one thing to love your mom, it’s one thing to be really close to your mom, it’s another thing entirely to expect or need every woman you’re with to be your mom. At some point the umbilical cord needs to be cut and a man needs to strike out on his own and learn to take care of himself. Unless you’re ready to be a parent, avoid mamas boys.

B) The Apple ain’t fall far enough from the tree. It’s often said that we grow up to be our parents. If a guy had great parents this can be a great thing – if he didn’t, not so much. As men, we all need to take the time time to identify the cyclical patterns we see occurring in our family’s history. We need to work hard to maintain the positive ones and work extra hard to break those cycles that prove to be destructive and not conducive toward building strong foundations. If you notice unhealthy patterns in a mans relationship with his father – ones he’s not actively making an effort toward breaking … major red flag.

Obviously, you want to make sure you have fun on a first date so if you can’t find a way to interject these questions above into your conversation in an interesting and not-so-intrusive sort of way, save them for your next date or next conversation.  The point is to get an understanding before you find yourself in love. You want to have somewhat of an answer to most of these before you invest too much time in a person you’re not going to be able to be with. That said – what are some other questions you guys have had success with early on in the courting process? What questions do you always ask of a new love interest, what questions to you wish they would ask you?

See you all sooner than later – till then …

Stay Low and Keep Firing

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

YOUNGER IS NOT DUMBER: I’ve had relations with a lot of younger chicks; it had nothing to do with taking an advantage of a younger mind. I was messing around with a 25 year old chick at the same time I was seeing a 19 year old and the 19 year old was far more capable of holding a conversation or arguing a point than this older chick that was raising a child. And that’s not an exception to the rule, girls in their late teens early twenties who are immersed in college life, tend to be thinkers.

COMIC BOOK BODY: When I was growing up you knew who was grown by how she was filled out, but in the past ten years it’s been hard to tell how old a girl is because they’re developing D cups and Minaj booties before their old enough to drink. I’m sure there is a judge out there who has tossed more than a few statutory rape cases out because these girls “don’t look 19 b” *Ma$e voice. And when it comes to the face, I’d rather have a chick going through a slight acne breakout than these ratchets hiding in the shadows of the club with caked on makeup and get mad when the bartender doesn’t card them.

TROPHY: One of my ex-girlfriends saw me driving with my Blasian Baby B**tch and actually followed me to my mother’s house to spy. Please believe I got a call the next day. She really tried to play me like I was picking up girls in front of high schools, and said that all I wanted to do is smash. Of course! I’m a man; my goal is to have sex with the best looking girl I can find.  “That’s not a woman, that’s a little girl, what more can you get from her?” She didn’t want to protect this 18 year old girl from being dogged out, she was jealous. I should have said, “Well she got accepted to the university of Maryland, is built like Rogue, and has long hair, where as you dropped out of school to work at the mall, have five years tops before your breast begin to sag, and spend all of your disposable income on hair weave”…but I was afraid of her so I just hung up.

WHY SO SERIOUS:  My homie who is now open off these 90’s babies sent me a text to rub it in, “sour apple bitter b**tches I’m not F’ing with them”. Since he moved to LA he’s been dating girls who have been broken by love or broken by their failed careers and now he gets to talk on the phone with girls who aren’t worried about mortgage or marriage and he’s doing the dance of joy. Girls just want to have fun until they hit 26 and don’t have a ring on their finger, but Men just want to have fun until they put us in the grave.

A dead woman once said “Age ain’t nothing but a number”, and if a girl looks good a guy will holla regardless if she’s 32 or 22. But I endorse going younger whenever possible. I met my fiancé when she was 19 and to this day she still asks “how old did you think I really was” and I say, “It didn’t matter if you were 17 I was going to get you”.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from NC 17.