If you’re a man like me, you’ve known this woman.  You’ve bought her drinks at the bar, she’s sat across the table from you on dates, and she’s laid next to you in bed. She’s been a lover, a significant other, a friend with benefits.  She’s perfect, possessed with everything you might ever desire in a long term partner and potential wife.  If you’re a man like me, at some point in your life you’ve been with a woman who you could have married but did not. As men, sometimes we need to sit back and reflect on the women we’ve known and why these relationships with seemingly perfect people didn’t work out.

We fell apart, the bond was broken, should’ve kept our thoughts between ourselves. And though they say they cared, they didn’t help. Makes me wonder, should we blame ourselves?

One of the most unpredictable aspects of love is chemistry. We love to think that when two perfect people get together, the perfect relationship is inevitable. Unfortunately, love often has other ideas. No amount of individual perfection can overshadow bad chemistry; sometimes two souls can’t help but repel each other. On paper it made sense, to all of your friends it made sense, but when faced with the prospect of spending forever with this seemingly perfect woman, you knew it wouldn’t work. No matter how hard you tried you were never going to be able to develop an emotional attachment strong enough to pass the test of time.

What makes these situations difficult is that as men, we often attach a greater value to chemistry than do women. For us, chemistry is near the top of the list of things we expect out of long term mates. No matter how ambitious and intelligent she is, no matter how loving she is, no matter how beautiful she is, if we don’t click, we won’t consider spending forever with her. We may loiter in her life for a while, but when it comes down to it, we know we’ll never commit long term. Women, it seems, are different. For a great many women, bad chemistry doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. It’s something that can be worked around if everything else is securely in place.

Lyric: Jason, I am trying to love you, but I don’t want my heart broken. But that’s exactly what you’re gonna do if you keep trying to save a brother that don’t want to be saved! 

In order for any situation to work there must be an alignment of two people at the right time and the right place.  The right place does not necessarily mean physically, but more often than not, it means mentally.  Women are likely to drop everything they are doing and make the relationship work.  They may have dreams of greatness but they set aside their goals for their men when they are under the impression that they’ve found a lifetime companion.

For men, life’s responsibilities almost always supersede relationships.  We sometimes prioritize things differently than women, and are rarely thrown off.  As men, we have plans and we plan on seeing them through.  And isn’t that what’s attractive about the choice picks of our gender, the ability to both conceptualize and execute?  It’s never crossed my mind that perhaps I’m letting my present situation affect my future happiness. I’m always convinced that when I’m ready, I’ll be able to find the right woman. I do not know if most women think this way. From my perspective, it seems like the ladies are way more willing to set aside personal goals and personal ambition if they’ve found a man they deem worthy of such sacrifice.

“Know when to leave when the heat is coming, I learned that.  This is where DeNiro would be if he ain’t turn back.”

In Michael Mann’s classic caper flick Heat, Robert DeNiro’s character is a pursued bank robber with but two more steps to take to reach freedom. Instead of waking away, he decides to turn back to go after his love. It doesn’t end well, hence the above referenced Jay-Z lyric. As strange as it might sound, the willingness to walkaway from a bad situation, no matter the consequences, is not only applicable to career criminals, but also to two individuals in love.  I have friends who’ve had on again off again relationships with women they’ve known since college. In their minds, when they finally decide to settle down, she’ll be the one they settle down with. The problem is while we may have ideas around the how of when we’ll settle down with these women, we rarely consider their plans. We just expect our women to understand and to go along with us as if there’s some tacit agreement. We figure we’ll be ready to settle sometime between 30 and 35. Never mind the fact that she’d always dreamed of being married by 25.

This is where the willingness to walk away becomes paramount. If we’ve both communicated our plans, and neither of us are willing to compromise or budge, we both need to be willing to walk away – no matter how perfect for each other we might be and no matter how much love might exist between the two of us. You never know, sometimes one individual showing they have the will to step back from a situation that isn’t to their long term benefit can inspire the other to meet halfway and make the relationship work.

Most, if not, all of my relationships are birthed out of the thought that something substantial could come of them.  It may not have been marriage, because not every relationship must end in marriage. But no matter how perfect the relationship could have been and no matter how difficult the break up, there’s always something to be learned. As men, we reserve the right to not marry a woman, or give her the relationship she desires, if we know it’s not sustainable. That’s the hardest part about being a decent man and it’s also the hardest thing to accept for women who have everything to offer.  They did everything right and ended up with nothing. Sometimes, that’s the way love goes.

Have you ever had the perfect relationship fail because of chemistry, bad timing or your unwillingness to walk away? What happened when perfection failed?

- Dr. J

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

I saw the homie Anslem's pics (check out www.theloversrocque.com) and it made me think.

I’ll be honest with you. I haven’t given too much thought to the overall wedding process. It’s always been one of those things that I knew I’d experience when the time was right, but I haven’t fantasized about what it’ll be like to take a knee and ask her to trust me with the rest of her life, or how I’ll be as a husband when it’s all said and done. I’m kinda scared. Not in a sh*t my pants sort of way. But more so, the “will I be a better man than I am today,” and “will I meet all the expectations she’s had in her head but never confessed” sorta way. The easy and reassuring answer for you to offer me is “You’ll mature. You’ll be ready.” I know what I’m supposed to do, but I also know who I am. Sometimes those things don’t jive.

My sense of humor will always be raunchy. My love for all things scientifically fictional like Fringe will remain. My desire to eat fried when I should be eating fiber will triumph. My ability to shut down and go emotionless will always be my mutant ability. I don’t know what obstacles will pop up along the way and prove to be the true test of the man that’s evolved to the point of lifelong commitment. I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold back my Pisces nature. For real though, I’m less concerned about my ability to raise my kids than my ability to keep it G on the altar. Some sh*t is just too beautiful for dry eyes.

One thing I’ve thought about more, but continues to give me heartburn, is the thought of my wedding day. Yeah, I think about it. I don’t think about her throwing flowers over her head or me tossing something in the air that dictates the next chosen one. But I do think about what that day will be like. I think about who’ll be there, and if I’ll secretly vomit or have a seat on the porcelain before walking out head held high and eyes real dry. And though I haven’t thought too much about marriage in the past (lying), there are a few things I’m still mulling over in my head today.

How Willl the Japanese Handle It if I End Up Marrying Bridezilla?

In the midst of a cookie-baking, confidential, “I’m listening to every word you say” session at work, a coworker shared with me all the frustrations of preparing for her upcoming wedding. She wasn’t Bridezilla, but her mother was. And even though the conversation wasn’t about me, I couldn’t help but have a moment of selfishness.

I don’t mean this the wrong way, but some chicks are like gremlins. Never give them a ring after dark, otherwise you’ll see them turn into something unfathomable.

As supportive as I can be, I can’t help but think about being engaged and having to weather the storm that’s my soon to be wife…who’s currently living in reptilian flesh. How will I handle her fits, demands, complaints, stories about dresses without showing me any of the dresses, and tense phone calls while I’m watching the Knicks strive to get to the NBA finals? I’ve seen every inch of her from head to toe, front, back, and side to side…while she was 5’4 to 5’9. But what happens when she’s 280’2?  How supportive and tolerant will/can I be? Ahhhh, the agony!

Who Will Be the Best Man and Who Will Be the Groomsmen?

I don’t have any childhood friends. Of course this is making the assumption that I’m considering people that I did hoodrat things with when I was under twelve. I have a couple cousins that I keep in contact with to this day. But other than that, all I have from my childhood is Facebook. And when I’m scrolling through pictures, timelines, and status updates from people that have found me despite my best attempts to hide (eff you, privacy settings), I can say that none of them will be in my wedding.

The greatest friendships and hetero relationships I’ve established have been in college + 1. I’ve got one friend from high school that had me in his wedding and continues to reach out to me to this day. I sucked at keeping in touch, but I can see having him there. Everyone else, for the most part, is up in the air. Wait. How many groomsmen can I have? There’s no limit? Oh okay. Then I guess I’ll have 11 dudes up there because I don’t wanna offend anybody. Trying to collect all those suit measurements from tardy negroes though…eh. I guess I’ll have to be Manzilla.

Will My Mother Be There to See It?

My mom never pressures me about marriage or having grandkids. My youngest nephew has kept her occupied and kept me jealous. But her not pressuring or reminding me to make good use of my DNA doesn’t mean I don’t think about having her at my wedding. I’d love for my dad to be there too, but there’s nothing I can do about that. All I can do is look up to the sky and thank him for living the lessons that he didn’t know he taught.

But momma…it’s a different story. I see her giving me and my wife a hug. I see her recalling stories of embarrasing years past. I see her being happy having had the opportunity to see all of her children get married.

She didn’t work hard for me to flounder on the beach of deferred dreams. She worked hard to turn me into a man that’s confident in his ability to take care of one woman for the rest of her life. She needs to see that her hard work paid off. I’m doing my best to not have it any other way sans rash decisions. In the mean time, I’ll keep thinking, dreaming, and anticipating. I’m sure it’ll end up better than I ever could’ve imagined.

I could talk about my questions on being a good father, but that’s a different post in itself. What are your thoughts? Do you know who you’ll have there if/when the day arrives? Do you think about how you’ll handle it? If you been through it already, what were your thoughts? All other comments are welcome!

Nah Chill. The Kiss Won’t Begin with Kay,

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Slim Jackson.

There's always that person who fills their champagne glass up to the brim in a crowded room. *Rolls Eyes*

I’ve got tons of friends, but contrary to the way others might approach their friends, I manage my friends with expectations.  Some people use categories such as; associates, acquaintances, homies, friends, or whatever other terms they develop to explain their relationship with a person, but I use expectations.  For this very reason, there are many times that someone will tell me how someone behaved in a situation and I’ll say, “I can’t raise another man, but I’m pretty sure many of them in our networks do not know how to act.”

There are times when you’ll be called upon to attend certain events that you should have coaching on how to behave.  Your mother probably thought she did a great job raising you, but she probably never took the time to finish off the task once you turned 21.  Here’s where you need to be in the company of greatness in order to be your best.  These are some events that many of us will have to attend but need a little coaching to be our best.

Housewarmings 

Some of us look at housewarmings as a time to furnish our house, this is the worst possible way to approach this event.  Others attend housewarmings and never understand the significance of our attendance at these events.  For those who attend housewarmings realize the importance and what’s really going on here, a person is inviting you to their house to turn a purchase into a home.  Focus on that.  It’s not a time to make an appearance and show off yourself, but to commune at a friend’s or family member’s new purchase to turn it into a home.

For those who are throwing a housewarming, it’s not a time to freeload.  Let’s skip the jargon, and move to the meat of the matter.  If you are throwing a housewarming, this is your time to show off your house.  The correct way to hold a housewarming is to provide food and beverages, and you do not have the housewarming until your house is ready to be seen.  You should have decorated and completed every room before you throw the housewarming.  When people walk into your home, they should not be completing your bar or kitchen, or collection of art.  All of those things should be completed before throwing the housewarming.  Yes, a housewarming is expensive, but it is the transition from a house to a home.  Make sure you do this right.

Weddings 

When you invite someone to, or are asked to attend someone’s wedding it means something important.  For the people who attend your wedding, they are witnesses to the vows you take before God and Family as you embark on a journey for life.  Weddings aren’t a time to throw a party, they are a time to exchange vows.  If someone invites you to their wedding, they are telling you that they want you to be a part of this journey in their life.

The wedding reception is not a time to “hit the open bar” or “make a scene on the dance floor.”  First and foremost, you need to bring a gift.  Your gift should at a minimum cover the cost of your party’s plate.  But in order to make the right gift, it takes more.  Here’s what your gift means, “This is my gift to you, to encourage you to have the best marriage possible.”  A cash donation is totally fine, but make it mean something.  The cash donation is saying to the newlyweds, “Here’s something to help you make it.”  Moreover than the gift, there is how you should behave at a reception.  The program is important because the newlyweds and their wedding party would like to do and say the things that are the foundation of their marriage.  Pay attention to the program, don’t talk during toasts and don’t miss a toast because you want to get another drink.  And never spend time complaining or comparing this reception to another.

The Birth of a Child 

The birth of a child is a significant event in anyone’s life.  Many of us hope to live forever, but we only have one life to live.  The birth of a child is a blessing from God, given to us to enjoy and celebrate.  Therefore, when you are asked to witness the birth of a child, you should understand the importance and choose your actions carefully.  If this is a close friend of yours, you should be there at the hospital or at the home if a homebirth is chosen.  Be a voice of encouragement and also of joy, trust me both parents will need it.

The Christening or selection of Godparents is another event that many of us totally miss.  A Christening is much like a wedding, the people that you ask to be there are witnesses to vows.  They are there because you have deemed them fitting of being there as you go to God to ask for his blessing and guidance throughout the life of this child.

This next part, I want to be very clear about, the godparents that you select for your child are to be companions in the success of this life, but they must understand and be capable of completing the task if the parents are not.  You don’t pick a godparent for your child because they are your close friend and it would be “cool.”  You pick a godparent because you want them to be an integral part of your child’s life and they have the capability of raising them in your absence.  And if you are selected as a godparent, if you truly feel that you cannot fulfill the responsibility, respectfully decline.

Significant Life Changing Parties 

Over the years, there are birthdays, new jobs, reflection moments and retirements.  To get the most important piece of advice about parties out the way first, remember this, if you can’t afford to throw the party, don’t throw the party.  Nothing irks me more than when someone throws a party and requires that others finance the party.  I’ve thrown a successful barbecue every year, I have NEVER asked anyone to bring a thing.  I keep the company of friends who don’t show up empty handed, but even if you don’t, take that into consideration.  Many of us provide the stage, but don’t finance the show.

When someone asks that you attend an event of significance, you should make it a point to be there.  Hopefully, your friends won’t require your attendance at every checkpoint, but only at landmarks.  For me, I think that birthday celebrations should happen in the following; 18, 21, 25, 30, 40, and then 50.  They go on from there, but those are the intervals for which you make it a big deal for your friends and family to be there.  When you take a new job or you retire, your friends should be there.  You put a lot into those ventures and your contributions should be rewarded not by only your coworkers, but those who have been soundboards for your many vents and frustrations.

There you have it.  Of course, this is just a sampling, I don’t have all the time to upload all my thoughts on behaving the right way under important circumstances.  I want to add that I’ve picked much of this up from reading books that aren’t targeted towards a particular race or gender, those would only yield a certain type of result.  I also have mentors and friends in my network who have been in rooms that I may not have been in before.  It costs nothing to pick up the phone and call them to ask for a minute of advice, in fact, it can be your most prudent decision.  I’m interested to hear your thoughts, maybe a personal story, or even recommendations for other events where you have been witness to malfeasance.  Cheers.

- Dr. J 

“Maybe i’m just different.”

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

"What do you mean her butt is nicer than mine?!?!?!"

I Worry.  If I don’t grind hard enough, I won’t be rich.  If I don’t set at least 2 alarms, I’ll miss my flight.  Sh*t happens and I try hard to make sure it doesn’t happen to me.

Now I find myself about to get married.  I am about to commit the rest of my life to another person.  But not only the person, but the concept of marriage.  With high divorce rates, stories of failed marriages, and the sad reality that Steve Harvey is the messiah of one too many single women looking for love … it seems like marriage is all kinds of jacked up.

I’ve talked to people, read opinions, and meditated (yeah … just sat there and thought about ish) and I have come up witha few surefire signs that a young and budding marriage will surely fail.  Heed my advice … have I let you down yet?

S/He’s doesn’t like “Coming to America”

WTF! Where did you even find this person?  How can any marriage composed of one person with no sense of humor (who didn’t want to personally go to Zamunda after watching the movie) survive?  You might think this isn’t a big deal and that no two people can like all of the same things, but the person you want to marry might be a serial killer or white.  Can’t sing along with Sexual Chocolate … marriage doomed.

S/He won’t give enlightenment

You saw “The Brothers”.  You can’t you even blame D.L. for getting a divorce (spoiler)?  You might think this isn’t important. You might think that the love for this other person will overcome the lack of oral satisfaction.  But the truth is you will end up at your boy’s (or girl’s) bachelor party trying to pay a stripper to give you the “attention” that you need (Lost … watch “The Brothers” again).  No slobbing (or licking) … marriage doomed.

He doesn’t know how to lie

I love my future wife, but there are just times when the truth will do more damage than it’s worth.  I’m not talking about big lies (“That isn’t my nephew, it’s my son”), but the small ones that make the world turn a little smoother.  Lies such as “that looks really good on you”, “what? Your friend has a fat a$$? I never even noticed,” and the most important “Of course you’re right honey.”  The fact is that any good husband needs to keep his wife happy through the flawless telling of small mistruths. Can’t lie about the back fat with a straight face? Marriage doomed.

She makes more money … significantly more

I am just as forward thinking as the next person.  I believe in sexual equality, I believe she can do anything I can do, and I don’t want her to think that I am going to hold her back in anyway.  But … I’m not trying to ask my wife for money or look at her paycheck and guffaw how much bigger it is than mine.  F* all that. As much as we say it’s OK … trust … it isn’t. Double his pay … marriage doomed.

All her friends want to f* her husband

Let’s face it … women are grimy and men are weak.  If you have beautiful women constantly thrown in your face because of brunch, drinks at night, and birthday parties … there is a chance for trouble.  If these women are explicitly plotting on how to actually get you to crack … there will be trouble.  Grimy friends with fat a$$ (or tig ol’s) … marriage doomed.

What are the warning signs that you have seen?  How can you predict a dead man walking down the aisle? Let’s have fun while speaking some truths!

 - SBM aka “It’s not a lie if I tell myself it’s true” aka SBM ain’t scurred

P.S. The day is upon us! SBM Happy Hour tonight at Empire Room in NYC from 6-10pm. If you’re in the city and plan to drop, please rsvp here: SBM Happy Hour RSVP Form

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from SBM.

Trust ... he is not thinking "I'm gonna marry this girl"

I always knew I would get married.

But Jay lied to you.  I didn’t see her across a room and think “I’m going to marry that”.  I did not envision our kids before I knew her name.  Marriage was the furthest thing from my mind …

90% of men are slowly drug into marriage, usually fighting the urge until it becomes too hard to ignore. And at that point, we give into a secret desire to get out the game.

Let me break it down …

Damn, look at all that ass

When we first meet a girl, we think about what she looks like naked, does she give head, and how good the dugout will be.  It’s not wrong, it’s nature.  I’m talking to you because there is an attraction … in my pants.

Wow … she’s not a chicken head

This moment might come from the first conversation, the first date, or after I’ve already put your legs over my shoulders and given you “the privilege”.  At some point, we start to think that you could be worth more than good beats. This is a key turning point, because the time we spend with you might not just be focused on how to get you back to the spot.

Yeah … I’m OK with having a girlfriend … maybe you, maybe that chic behind you

This could be the first thing we think or it could happen after date 15.  A man is not going to get a girlfriend unless he has personally decided “I am open to having a girlfriend”.  ***Important*** This does not mean: “I want a girlfriend” or “I am looking for a girlfriend”.  All it means is “I do not hate the thought of having a girlfriend”. Fact is, men know whether or not they are willing to put up with the BS that having a girl entails (yeah sure … there is some good stuff too). They have to be open for a woman to ever make that jump.

I want YOU!

At some point you’re spending all this time together. At some point the head game is so on point, we start thinking it’s going to be hard to find better. At some point we are willing to give up all the other women out there (or at least run the risk of getting stabbed when caught sleeping with them) in order to be with one woman.  I wish I could explain how we know, how to help us know, or what the checklist is … but I can’t. As a man, you know, and then you do something about it.

Man … I’m getting soft

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t the best boyfriend in the past.  At the end of the day, I was going to do what I wanted and either you were on board or not. This last time … it was different.  We stop going out as much.  We want that person around me more and more.  Personally, I started buying random gifts (maybe even a plane ticket n sh*).  I was literally turning into a simp for my girl (I know … sad sh*). Worst part, I was OK with it.

Life without you would suck

This final stage was when we realize we don’t want to live a life without this person.  Up until this point, if the person had to be dropped, we can get over it.  Now, you might be all kinds of f****d up.  More importantly, you can’t think of any reason to leave the person if you tried.  It really just feels like this person is supposed to be around until you get old. And then … then we know …

No any two men’s story is the same. But any man who says “I knew the first day I saw here I would marry her” was rolling on e at the time.

SBM aka “Yes, I first fell in love with your ass” aka “HA!”

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from SBM.

I feel you son ... I feel you (||)

As any man prepares to take that lifelong plunge, there is a lot that we think about and a lot of fears that we must overcome.  There are a lot of personal demons that we fight, a lot of doubt that we expel and a lot of doubt injected by our best friends that we have to ignore.

Marriage is scare as f* … here are some thing I personally all men think about after they buy the ring

She is only marrying me because she’s afraid of being single

Suppose the “love of your life” is just settling.  Suppose it’s not that you complete her and make her life worth living, but she is just concerned about never being married and never having a good man to take care of her. No one wants to be “that guy” …

She got a man on the side

No one wants to be cheated on, but you really don’t want to marry the person who is cheating on you.  Sure … you think that she is in her private room before the wedding making sure her veil is on right, but she is might be letting the “side piece” get a quick beat while she’s in her wedding dress … cause that sh* is hot.  Can’t speak for everybody, but the day I get caught up… someone is getting murdered (talking to you love!).

You aren’t ready to be a husband

Any real man wants his woman happy.  And if he can’t keep her happy … she should at least be fed and not hating life.  Real men worry about being a good provider.  Suppose I’m not supportive enough (I really don’t know how to support others … always seemed like too much work)?  Suppose I don’t compromise enough (still not sure why people don’t just assume I’m right)? Suppose I don’t … man, I don’t know … whatever a husband is supposed to do?  Sometimes I wish I could get another year or two to get ready.

One Woman … the rest of your life

Really … think about it. For the rest of your life you are committing yourself to just one woman.  No exploring … no testing things out … no more pulling the baddest chic in the club back to your spot.  You have made your decision and that’s it. Nicki Minaj (I don’t care if it’s fake or not) somehow got my number, is in town for one night, and just heard that I have that super mean pipe game.  Well … I can’t do sh&. That … that is scary (cause you know she has been trying to get at me for a minute, but prolly just couldn’t get my number cause its not listed).

A Breakup will cost you 50%

One great thing about a relationship is that if it’s not working out … you can dip.  Sure breaking up isn’t fun, but it’s always an option.  You can leave, she’ll cry, you’ll smash again.  Now … if you get tired or bored … it’s half of everything you own.  As someone who has gotten accustomed to a certain quality of life … I don’t know if I can handle that!

Marriage is an elaborate plot by the government to keep black man down

I know I’m not the only one who is concerned about this …
Marriage … it’s scary.  What about marriage scares you?

- SBM aka I confront my fears aka “I ain’t never scared!”

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from SBM.

Today’s post is part of a new series: Engaged Black Male.  I’ll talk about being engaged, my upcoming life of commitment, and all of the thoughts and thinking that goes through the head of a Black Male about to officially get out of the game for good.

Enjoy …

"SBM will wear no ring!" - SBM before being slapped

Personally … I’m happy I’m getting married.  I think about it … it makes me happy.

But … I try and convey this feeling of joy to my friends … and it gets messy.

SBM: “Yeah man … I’m engaged now.”
Roscoe: “Why?”
SBM: “What you mean?”
RD: “Why would you do that? Why would you get married? Ain’t you still young?”
SBM: “I swear … n****s …”

“Why” is the #1 response I get when telling another black man of similar age that I am planning on getting married.  This made me think … why am I getting married?

F*ck the club

You know what the club is like when you don’t need to worry about who you are going to take home that night … fun! I go to my table (not going if no table is involved), sit down, drink as much as I want, and the only people I need to talk to are the ones I know.  I used to be nice … but now I’m an a$$. “What do you mean Dave told you to come drink from our bottle? F* Dave. Get out of here. The bar is that way.” It might be me … but not caring what any other chic thinks about me in the club has allowed me to transcend to new levels of ignorance … and I love it.

It’s hard out here by yourself

I have moved 4 times in 3 years.  And not just from one side of town to the other, but between DC, ATL, Boston, and San Francisco.  I’ve moved by myself before … sh*t sucks.  Life is so much easier with a permanent support system that is there for you.  I loved being on my own … but I love having someone else soooooo much more.

(Most) Girls are dumb … throw rocks at them

I write about dating.  I talk to people about dating.  People ask me about dating.  Man … I didn’t realize how much I hated dating.  You have to entertain these stupid stupid people who often have nothing to add to your life and just waste your time.  You take them out (or let them take you out) and it’s painful. It’s not everyone, but think about how many chickenheads or worthless men you have encountered trying to find quality … it’s sickening.

Rejections Sucks

One of my friends had a “situation” not work out.  I didn’t know what to tell her.  I don’t really remember the last time a woman rejected me … my life is just winning.

Working for “it” gets old

First, you see her.  Mentally you map out your approach, check your breathe, and move forward.  You need to be witty and intelligent, but not boring.  You want to be funny, but need to be taken seriously.  You need to find something in common, and then convince her that you know enough to pique her interest.  Now … you can ask for the number.  Then you call (or text) her to further impress her … get her to go out with you … and then get her back to the spot.  Hopefully she doesn’t have a headache, cause then your f*’d.  She doesn’t … good … now you can smash.

Damn … I got tired just thinking about how much work that used to take.

When you think about it … it just makes sense.

Feel me?

- SBM aka “Don’t you dare call me EBM” aka “I know what the f* I’m doing”

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from SBM.

She looks like she means business.

Your television set is obsessed with showing you other people’s faults so that you spend time telling yourself that you’re at least better than that person. That’s why reality TV is so popular and the shows have nothing to do with where they began. Think about this logically, the shows that we grew up watching like Real World aren’t even hot anymore. You would think that the older shows would dominate, right? Like can you imagine if people didn’t regard the Simpsons and Law & Order as two of the best shows on television? Maybe not, I can’t get enough of Modern Family and 30 Rock.

Two of my favorite shows are Bridezilla and Say Yes to the Dress. I’m man enough to admit that though, some of you aren’t. It makes sense to me though, I always want to be prepared for my wedding. Just so you don’t think I’m losing my touch and going flaccid on you; when I graduated from college I drafted my prenupt. I didn’t want to fall in love and forget all the reasons I had for wanting one in the beginning. If I reach that age and I don’t feel the need to have one, I’ll just throw it out, but I’ll be sure to review it. But back to the show, these two shows show me some things to look for in a woman to find out if she’s going to be a Bridezilla or if I’m going to coming out of pocket because she’s getting out of pocket.

I’m not here to speak on your relationship, or anything about dating that girl that would tip you to her habits. The reason why – in addition to the retirement, Bridezillas don’t only affect the people they marry. It affects their family, their friends, the groom, the groom’s friends, the wedding planner, and everybody in attendance. Check out these clues:

1. They like things a certain way – Have you ever had one of those people who just liked to have things “a certain way”? They love to dictate to you what the right way to do something is. They let you know that you shouldn’t expect people to furnish your house at your housewarming. They let you know what is and what isn’t acceptable to wear. They are the ones who rearrange people before a photo is taken. They even kick their line sisters out the picture because they don’t know how to lean and throw the dynasty sign.

2. They are usually the “president” of their crew – Every crew has its leader, my crew has three. It’s three of us, Frick, Frack and Fro and we spent most nights in college doing absolutely nothing because nobody wanted to go with the other’s plan. You ever been on an email thread with the “president” of your crew thinking, “She don’t ever want to go where anyone else wants to go”? That’s the “president.” She’s Regina George, she’s Rachel Meadows and it’ll leave you thinking, “why can’t we go to the party?”

3. They been waiting a long time for this day – All women have an idea of what they would like their wedding to be like. If you peep, most girls take longer to come out the womb. That’s because they spend nine months whiteboarding on their mother’s stomach and it takes a little extra time to commit all those notes to memory. The longer a woman waits, the more and more detailed this plan gets. It gets to a point that she knows exactly how she wants each minute of her wedding to go. She has her outfit picked out, marketing schemes figured out, and a few tracks laid, before the deal is signed.

4. They watch all those wedding shows – The problem with all those wedding shows is they give you tons and tons of ideas of what you would like to have in your wedding. The women who watch those shows, do not watch them to be entertained. They watch them to see what they want and what they would not tolerate. Don’t believe me, next time you’re at happy hour ask your friend about that episode when the bridesmaids wanted to wear different dresses that worked best for their bodies. When she replies, “Oh hell no.” Slide her in that group of friends, “Will check “no” and return invitation,” or prepare yourself to be a bridesmaid of a bridezilla.

5. The easiest way, they told you, “I’m getting married!” – This is the best and quickest way to figure out if you’re dealing with a bridezilla. When they tell you they are getting married, if they never mention their husband, it’s a good sign that she’s a bridezilla. First of all, “she” isn’t getting married, “they’re” getting married. Second of all, “I’m getting married!” is almost always followed by, “I’ve got so much work to do now.” There’s goes that “I” word again. Remember, “Never I, never me, always us, always we” … wait, I mean, “Our marriage, their wedding” … wait, well you guys know what I mean.

Those are my clues that I’m dealing with a Bridezilla. What about yours? How many of you would confess to being a Bridezilla, or a bridesmaid for one? It’s cool, nobody’s judging you. The fact of the matter is, women have a plan for the wedding and a man has to have a plan for the marriage. He’s probably too busy to know what persimmon is anyway. For the men, do you think you could marry a Bridezilla? How will you react when she shows up to your bachelor party to make sure it goes to plan?

- Dr. J

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

Recently a married friend of mine admitted she cheated on her husband with an ex-boyfriend. The affair lasted about 6-months before she called it off. She didn’t think her husband would ever find out and she didn’t have any plans of ever telling him.

However, she admitted that every time she looks at her husband now she feels guilty. Every time she picks up the kids, she feels guilty. In fact, there is rarely a second of the day where she doesn’t feel an overwhelming sense of guilt.

There wasn’t much I could say in the way of advice. We talked but even I, morally flexible individual that I am, could not condone her cheating. We all know cheating is wrong. It didn’t help that her husband is perfectly good to her. She just “got bored” and thought there might be “something better out there.” It happens, I guess. When our conversation ended, I realized her true punishment is the fact that she will bear the burden of guilt until, if ever, she decides to confess to her husband.

As I wrote about in, Someone Else’s Girl, when I was younger, I knowingly (and I’m sure unknowingly) was “the other man” to a married woman. There is no excuse for my actions, so I won’t bother offering any. As the single one, I felt the responsibility of faithfulness fell on her, the married one. I realize now this logic was flawed, but at the time, I honestly did not care. Plus, I failed to fully account for the effect my actions may have on others.

With age, I have begun to wonder how I would react if the circumstances were reversed. If my wife cheated on me, would I want to know? I’m not sure.

The obvious exception is if we are only in a committed a relationship. For example, if my girlfriend cheated on me, I would want to know. This would give me an opportunity to assess whether I want to continue in a relationship with her when she has already demonstrated that she may be unable to remain faithful. On the other hand, the more strongly defined bond of marriage would cause me to hesitate ending the relationship.

I don’t trust many people. In fact, I have Trust No One tattooed on my chest as a constant reminder to myself and others of this fact. Furthermore, I am not a very forgiving person. If my wife ever cheated on me, I’m not sure I could bring myself to forgive her. I cannot see us moving beyond that failure in our relationship; at least I would not.

Knowing this about myself, I figure it best my wife not tell me. This is not to say I give my wife permission to cheat but if she does, ignorance is bliss. Conceptually, I recognize we are human. At times, we grow weak. I can understand that between the period of “I do” and “until death do us part”, my wife will be tempted to stray. Nevertheless, saying “I do” meant she made the decision and commitment to resist such temptation, by any means necessary.

With that said, if infidelity occurs and it is a onetime fling, I don’t think I would want to know. The reasons for her cheating are her problems to resolve. Should she feel she cannot or that she will cheat again, feel free to confess. Realize though, doing so will effectively end our marriage as far as I’m concerned. It is one thing to try and prevent yourself from cheating by working through a critical relationship issue together. It is another to seek forgiveness after you have already committed adultery.

I find that many people apologize with the expectation they will be forgiven or they confess in order to relieve their own guilt. This is selfish and practically as bad as the act of cheating itself.  For starters, rather than come to me to work out the problem(s), you sought resolution outside of the marriage. Worse, when the guilt became too much, then and only then did you decide to offload some of it on me – in the form of a so called confession – in an effort to make yourself feel better. Additionally, now you want my forgiveness for your wrong doing?

It is possible I will forgive and forget…but I doubt it.

——————–

So readers, if you cheat and are NOT caught and it is likely you will NEVER be caught, should you still confess to your significant other? If your significant other cheated on you, would you want to know? Is the act of physically cheating the only form you are interested in? What if they step outside the relationship with someone else emotionally? Mentally? Lastly, if you cheat on someone, do they have the right to know?

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from wisdomismisery.

I bet she not even really sleep...I wonder if Kim is still up.

I listen to a syndicated talk radio show and it seems like their sole purpose is to come up with inflammatory questions to ask their listeners each week. Last week’s question was:

When is it OK to deny your husband xes?

Responses fell into three general categories.

Category 1: Never. Other than the monthly visit from Aunt Flo, these women said they never deny their husband’s xes when he wants it.

Lord, I hope my wife falls into this category. I recognize my wife is more than a xes symbol and I hope you’re intelligent enough to recognize I realize that. If you are not, you have issues, not me. Why would I marry a woman just for xes? Don’t be stupid.

However, to want to have xes with my wife is normal, if not expected. I see nothing wrong with having a reasonable expectation to have xes with my wife when I want to and vise versa. I am not married, so maybe I live in a world of fairy tales and unicorns to assume that my wife would be willing to have xes with me, her husband. What a crazy concept.

As an additional note, in High School a girl told me the following: You can swim in the Red Sea as long as you don’t drink the water.

“That’s all I have to say about that.” – Forest Gump

Category 2: When I’m not in the mood.

Fair enough. I imagine under the rigors of work, marriage, kids, and life in general, there will be times were my wife, I, or both will not be in the mood to have xes at the same time.

My only concern would be – and I’ve been in a relationship like this – we only have xes when she is in the mood. If her mood does not align with my mood, then too bad. That’s fine, it’s your body and you can do what you want with it.

However, in this instance, xes can easily become not an act of passion and connection between the woman I love and have chosen to spend the rest of my life with, but instead it is nothing more than an abuse of power whereby she uses xes to manipulate and control the relationship on her terms. Don’t act like this is a far-fetched concept. If you’re not in the mood, you’re not in the mood but if you’re strangely always in the mood when you want something and never when you don’t, that’s a problem.

Category 3: Whenever I feel like it, for whatever reason I feel like, and I don’t owe him any explanation, because I am more than a vagina! *finger snaps and neck jerks*

In my humble opinion, a man should not have to go through hostage negotiations to have xes with his own wife.

The majority of these women made comments like, “if he only wants an O he should [master his domain].” This is a strange concept to me for a multitude of reasons. First of all, no one ever says this to women. I have never heard a man remark, “if she only wants an O she should [master her domain]!” How silly would that sound?

Further, we’re not talking about some John off the street. We’re talking about your HUSBAND. The person you supposedly love and vowed to be with for the rest of your life. Is there no taking one for the team? Your husband, whom I assume is faithful (for now) is trying to sleep with you, his wife. Isn’t that how it is is supposed to happen? Lastly, I’ve been a man a long time and without going into too much detail I am 99.8% positive they have not created anything that comes remotely close to [insert politically correct preferred term for your lady part here]. If they have please point me in the direction of that flea market. Otherwise, telling the man who loves you to mastur-his-bate instead of have xes with you, his wife, is the dumbest comment I have ever heard anyone make in my entire life - and it reflects poorly on both the view of your xes skills and emotional connection you two have if you think you are that easily replaced.

———————

According to NBC news, there are 20 million Americans in xesless marriages (marriages where couples have xes less than 10 times a year). I’m sure many started out in one of these categories. Where do you see yourself falling when married or, if you are already married, fall currently? Which statements do you agree or disagree with? If a husband/wife turns their significant other down, do they owe them an explanation? Would you remain in a xesless marriage?

PS. Check out my latest video blog, Her Second Option.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from wisdomismisery.