What happens when men attends baby showers

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Streetz.

If you’re a man like me, you’ve known this woman.  You’ve bought her drinks at the bar, she’s sat across the table from you on dates, and she’s laid next to you in bed. She’s been a lover, a significant other, a friend with benefits.  She’s perfect, possessed with everything you might ever desire in a long term partner and potential wife.  If you’re a man like me, at some point in your life you’ve been with a woman who you could have married but did not. As men, sometimes we need to sit back and reflect on the women we’ve known and why these relationships with seemingly perfect people didn’t work out.

We fell apart, the bond was broken, should’ve kept our thoughts between ourselves. And though they say they cared, they didn’t help. Makes me wonder, should we blame ourselves?

One of the most unpredictable aspects of love is chemistry. We love to think that when two perfect people get together, the perfect relationship is inevitable. Unfortunately, love often has other ideas. No amount of individual perfection can overshadow bad chemistry; sometimes two souls can’t help but repel each other. On paper it made sense, to all of your friends it made sense, but when faced with the prospect of spending forever with this seemingly perfect woman, you knew it wouldn’t work. No matter how hard you tried you were never going to be able to develop an emotional attachment strong enough to pass the test of time.

What makes these situations difficult is that as men, we often attach a greater value to chemistry than do women. For us, chemistry is near the top of the list of things we expect out of long term mates. No matter how ambitious and intelligent she is, no matter how loving she is, no matter how beautiful she is, if we don’t click, we won’t consider spending forever with her. We may loiter in her life for a while, but when it comes down to it, we know we’ll never commit long term. Women, it seems, are different. For a great many women, bad chemistry doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. It’s something that can be worked around if everything else is securely in place.

Lyric: Jason, I am trying to love you, but I don’t want my heart broken. But that’s exactly what you’re gonna do if you keep trying to save a brother that don’t want to be saved! 

In order for any situation to work there must be an alignment of two people at the right time and the right place.  The right place does not necessarily mean physically, but more often than not, it means mentally.  Women are likely to drop everything they are doing and make the relationship work.  They may have dreams of greatness but they set aside their goals for their men when they are under the impression that they’ve found a lifetime companion.

For men, life’s responsibilities almost always supersede relationships.  We sometimes prioritize things differently than women, and are rarely thrown off.  As men, we have plans and we plan on seeing them through.  And isn’t that what’s attractive about the choice picks of our gender, the ability to both conceptualize and execute?  It’s never crossed my mind that perhaps I’m letting my present situation affect my future happiness. I’m always convinced that when I’m ready, I’ll be able to find the right woman. I do not know if most women think this way. From my perspective, it seems like the ladies are way more willing to set aside personal goals and personal ambition if they’ve found a man they deem worthy of such sacrifice.

“Know when to leave when the heat is coming, I learned that.  This is where DeNiro would be if he ain’t turn back.”

In Michael Mann’s classic caper flick Heat, Robert DeNiro’s character is a pursued bank robber with but two more steps to take to reach freedom. Instead of waking away, he decides to turn back to go after his love. It doesn’t end well, hence the above referenced Jay-Z lyric. As strange as it might sound, the willingness to walkaway from a bad situation, no matter the consequences, is not only applicable to career criminals, but also to two individuals in love.  I have friends who’ve had on again off again relationships with women they’ve known since college. In their minds, when they finally decide to settle down, she’ll be the one they settle down with. The problem is while we may have ideas around the how of when we’ll settle down with these women, we rarely consider their plans. We just expect our women to understand and to go along with us as if there’s some tacit agreement. We figure we’ll be ready to settle sometime between 30 and 35. Never mind the fact that she’d always dreamed of being married by 25.

This is where the willingness to walk away becomes paramount. If we’ve both communicated our plans, and neither of us are willing to compromise or budge, we both need to be willing to walk away – no matter how perfect for each other we might be and no matter how much love might exist between the two of us. You never know, sometimes one individual showing they have the will to step back from a situation that isn’t to their long term benefit can inspire the other to meet halfway and make the relationship work.

Most, if not, all of my relationships are birthed out of the thought that something substantial could come of them.  It may not have been marriage, because not every relationship must end in marriage. But no matter how perfect the relationship could have been and no matter how difficult the break up, there’s always something to be learned. As men, we reserve the right to not marry a woman, or give her the relationship she desires, if we know it’s not sustainable. That’s the hardest part about being a decent man and it’s also the hardest thing to accept for women who have everything to offer.  They did everything right and ended up with nothing. Sometimes, that’s the way love goes.

Have you ever had the perfect relationship fail because of chemistry, bad timing or your unwillingness to walk away? What happened when perfection failed?

- Dr. J

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

There's always that person who fills their champagne glass up to the brim in a crowded room. *Rolls Eyes*

I’ve got tons of friends, but contrary to the way others might approach their friends, I manage my friends with expectations.  Some people use categories such as; associates, acquaintances, homies, friends, or whatever other terms they develop to explain their relationship with a person, but I use expectations.  For this very reason, there are many times that someone will tell me how someone behaved in a situation and I’ll say, “I can’t raise another man, but I’m pretty sure many of them in our networks do not know how to act.”

There are times when you’ll be called upon to attend certain events that you should have coaching on how to behave.  Your mother probably thought she did a great job raising you, but she probably never took the time to finish off the task once you turned 21.  Here’s where you need to be in the company of greatness in order to be your best.  These are some events that many of us will have to attend but need a little coaching to be our best.

Housewarmings 

Some of us look at housewarmings as a time to furnish our house, this is the worst possible way to approach this event.  Others attend housewarmings and never understand the significance of our attendance at these events.  For those who attend housewarmings realize the importance and what’s really going on here, a person is inviting you to their house to turn a purchase into a home.  Focus on that.  It’s not a time to make an appearance and show off yourself, but to commune at a friend’s or family member’s new purchase to turn it into a home.

For those who are throwing a housewarming, it’s not a time to freeload.  Let’s skip the jargon, and move to the meat of the matter.  If you are throwing a housewarming, this is your time to show off your house.  The correct way to hold a housewarming is to provide food and beverages, and you do not have the housewarming until your house is ready to be seen.  You should have decorated and completed every room before you throw the housewarming.  When people walk into your home, they should not be completing your bar or kitchen, or collection of art.  All of those things should be completed before throwing the housewarming.  Yes, a housewarming is expensive, but it is the transition from a house to a home.  Make sure you do this right.

Weddings 

When you invite someone to, or are asked to attend someone’s wedding it means something important.  For the people who attend your wedding, they are witnesses to the vows you take before God and Family as you embark on a journey for life.  Weddings aren’t a time to throw a party, they are a time to exchange vows.  If someone invites you to their wedding, they are telling you that they want you to be a part of this journey in their life.

The wedding reception is not a time to “hit the open bar” or “make a scene on the dance floor.”  First and foremost, you need to bring a gift.  Your gift should at a minimum cover the cost of your party’s plate.  But in order to make the right gift, it takes more.  Here’s what your gift means, “This is my gift to you, to encourage you to have the best marriage possible.”  A cash donation is totally fine, but make it mean something.  The cash donation is saying to the newlyweds, “Here’s something to help you make it.”  Moreover than the gift, there is how you should behave at a reception.  The program is important because the newlyweds and their wedding party would like to do and say the things that are the foundation of their marriage.  Pay attention to the program, don’t talk during toasts and don’t miss a toast because you want to get another drink.  And never spend time complaining or comparing this reception to another.

The Birth of a Child 

The birth of a child is a significant event in anyone’s life.  Many of us hope to live forever, but we only have one life to live.  The birth of a child is a blessing from God, given to us to enjoy and celebrate.  Therefore, when you are asked to witness the birth of a child, you should understand the importance and choose your actions carefully.  If this is a close friend of yours, you should be there at the hospital or at the home if a homebirth is chosen.  Be a voice of encouragement and also of joy, trust me both parents will need it.

The Christening or selection of Godparents is another event that many of us totally miss.  A Christening is much like a wedding, the people that you ask to be there are witnesses to vows.  They are there because you have deemed them fitting of being there as you go to God to ask for his blessing and guidance throughout the life of this child.

This next part, I want to be very clear about, the godparents that you select for your child are to be companions in the success of this life, but they must understand and be capable of completing the task if the parents are not.  You don’t pick a godparent for your child because they are your close friend and it would be “cool.”  You pick a godparent because you want them to be an integral part of your child’s life and they have the capability of raising them in your absence.  And if you are selected as a godparent, if you truly feel that you cannot fulfill the responsibility, respectfully decline.

Significant Life Changing Parties 

Over the years, there are birthdays, new jobs, reflection moments and retirements.  To get the most important piece of advice about parties out the way first, remember this, if you can’t afford to throw the party, don’t throw the party.  Nothing irks me more than when someone throws a party and requires that others finance the party.  I’ve thrown a successful barbecue every year, I have NEVER asked anyone to bring a thing.  I keep the company of friends who don’t show up empty handed, but even if you don’t, take that into consideration.  Many of us provide the stage, but don’t finance the show.

When someone asks that you attend an event of significance, you should make it a point to be there.  Hopefully, your friends won’t require your attendance at every checkpoint, but only at landmarks.  For me, I think that birthday celebrations should happen in the following; 18, 21, 25, 30, 40, and then 50.  They go on from there, but those are the intervals for which you make it a big deal for your friends and family to be there.  When you take a new job or you retire, your friends should be there.  You put a lot into those ventures and your contributions should be rewarded not by only your coworkers, but those who have been soundboards for your many vents and frustrations.

There you have it.  Of course, this is just a sampling, I don’t have all the time to upload all my thoughts on behaving the right way under important circumstances.  I want to add that I’ve picked much of this up from reading books that aren’t targeted towards a particular race or gender, those would only yield a certain type of result.  I also have mentors and friends in my network who have been in rooms that I may not have been in before.  It costs nothing to pick up the phone and call them to ask for a minute of advice, in fact, it can be your most prudent decision.  I’m interested to hear your thoughts, maybe a personal story, or even recommendations for other events where you have been witness to malfeasance.  Cheers.

- Dr. J 

“Maybe i’m just different.”

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

It Was All Good A Few Years Ago

Not too long after graduating college, an ex-girlfriend from back home asked me why I didn’t come around anymore and why I didn’t spend time with my best friend from high school. I didn’t have an answer, the best response I could come up with was “I think we’ve grown apart.” The truth was,  I went to college and he didn’t, not only did he not make it to college, but it also seemed that his ambition died after the twelfth grade.  I just couldn’t relate to the mindset of a man who quit life. This lead me to think about the relationships that fail over the course of one’s life and I wanted to share them and some of my thoughts about them, with you.

“I know Mom, but this is the woman in my life now.”

I remember one time Christmas came around and I was saving money to buy something for my lady friend. My mother wanted Alvin Ailey tickets, front row. Can’t argue that, my mother loves Alvin Ailey. I had to make a decision between dropping the $500 for those tickets or the $600 for a new bag for my lady. I had to tell my mother, “I’m sorry but I hope that this lady becomes a part of my family one day, I’ll get you one ticket, but I’m not sure I have the money to do two.” At some point in your life, your mother or father will be second to the person in your life. Nobody wants a mama’s boy and you don’t want to create an unnecessary barrier that separates you from someone who has the potential to be your life partner. It’s a delicate thing to balance and eventually, every man who takes a wife has to make the choice and put her first. If she’s first … other people, who were once first, will have to deal with your relationship adjusting.

“My bad dog, but this just ain’t me no more.”

I was sitting on the block doing what we had done many times before on the 4th of July: shooting bottle rockers at one another and laughing. At one point, my boy pulls out a hammer and shoots it in the air, I sat for a moment too engulfed in the Henny that we had been drinking and just laughed. As cops circled the area, I realized I had to get out of there. I wasn’t the same dude that I was in the past, I had a college education and good job, I didn’t want to become a statistic. I keep it cordial with my boy that I’ve known since I was 4, but we’ve never hung out like that again. It’s hard parting ways with people you’ve known your whole life. It’s hard coming back to the old neighborhood and not having an idea of what’s transpired since you’d last been around. And it’s hard realizing how much you’ve grown in looking through the warped mirror that is the difference between you and friend you were once just like. It happens, it’s real, it’s part of growing up.

“Keep it real, we were only friends because of the partying and the chicks.”

One of the dudes I thought would always be in my life, I lost to the realization that our friendship had outgrown us. I look back on someone that I would hit the bars with, talk about life, be there for whenever and realized, “Hey, we only really talked about partying and bullsh*t.” As you get older you realize that many friendships built in college are based on the frivolous, collegiate lifestyle. If our friendship is centered around scheming on chicks, what happens when scheming on chicks is no longer necessary or important. I had to let that friend go, I wish him the best, but as an adult, I needed more from my friends than just war stories and drunken half-memories.

“You’ll make a great wife, but probably not for me.”

I had to learn the hard way that there comes a time when you lose a friend who could have been your wife. I remember meeting up with an ex-girlfriend to tell her she’d make a great wife, but I wasn’t ready for marriage. There will be stepping stones in a man’s love life, and in a woman’s love life. We don’t always end up with the person we thought we’d spend the rest of our life with and that’s okay, as long as we grow and are better people for it.

The say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. What I’ve discovered over the years is that some of the people I thought would be here for a lifetime, were only meant for a season. That doesn’t invalidate our friends and love, but it does give me perspective. Friendships should be based not just on the history you have, but also on the memories you might be able to make in the future. We all hold onto relationships- sometimes for way too long. We do this to avoid failure. We’ve got friends we know we should let go, we’ve got family and loved ones that are for us, toxic. Share with me your thoughts and maybe some friendships that you lost along the way. Today is a time of reflection, let’s reflect on the faith that the sometimes dark past has taught us.

- Dr. J

We are now taking RSVPs for this Friday’s NYC Holiday Happy Hour at The Empire Room in the Empire State Building.  It’ll be from 6pm til 10pm! RSVP and stay up to date on future SBM events via the link here: http://eepurl.com/hUUcU

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

This one didn't make the list, but i'm a big fan of the tight fitted hoodie. Perfect for under your coat or for a quick run to the store.

It’s a week before the beginning of winter and the fall is ending.  And while choosing the right coat can be perplexing when it’s 30 degrees in the morning, 65 at lunch and 45 during your commute home, it’s important that we begin to bundle up.  Three months ago we spent some time looking at the must-haves for a man’s fall closet, but it’s time to refresh our list with Five Things Every Man Should Have In His Closet This Winter.

Back with a special mix for today’s post is, @CarverTheGreat, this one’s called Flight School, and it’s about making your wardrobe just that, fly. Stream below, or download here:

1. Full-length Wool Coat – Let’s get the formalities out of the way.  Your trench coat doesn’t stand a chance against this winter and it’s no longer cool to wear a North Face with slacks.  Therefore, it’s time to invest in a Full or Three-Quarter length Wool Coat.  The most important thing about this piece of fashion is warmth and length.  You want it to fit, but warmth is critical.  Make sure it’s a slightly heavy wool, and not too long that you end up tripping when trying to walk.  Depending on your shade you want to pick a color that works for you.  I prefer a black coat, but the khaki and navy blue may work better for you.  Ralph Lauren sells some awesome coats, but Syms is about to go out of business, so you can probably get one from last season there if you don’t want to spend Ralph Lauren money.

2. Cardigans and V-Neck Sweaters – Drake isn’t the only one who should know how to wear a nice sweater.  All men should keep an excellent collection of sweaters.  First, do me a favor, reach into your bottom drawer and take out those sweaters with words on the front.  We’ve all worn our share of chaps, or other logo embossed sweaters. Throw them away immediately.  Let’s go shopping for a nice cardigan or v-neck sweater.  Personally, I’m more of a v-neck, shirt and tie kind of guy.  I’ve got tons in every color possible.  Again, match your sweater with your shade.  For the darker men, a nice yellow sweater works great, for the lighter men, a nice pink sweater goes a long way with the ladies.  Listen up brothers because this is a tip that’s going to take you far, the color for 2012 is Orange.  Plan accordingly.

3. Dress Boots and Trendy Socks – You’ll need to have boot that gives you a bit more warmth than your typical dress shoes.  I prefer a Black or Gray leather boot with a slight heel.  Anything to high makes it obvious you’re compensating for something.  You can grab an affordable pair at Kenneth Cole or Aldo, but if you’re like me, Cole Haan has a Wingtip Dress Boot that’s pretty hot.  Also, you’ll be spending a lot of time in the weathers, so when you visit friends, it’s shoes off at the door!  That’s why it’s imperative that you step your sock game up.  At a minimum no holes in your sock and make sure they don’t smell. Brown shoes go with blue or brown socks (never black). Black shoes get black or dark gray socks (never brown or blue) and at this point, unless you’re heading to your local gym for a workout – you really don’t need white socks at all.  For my Caribbean folks, please wear socks.  Let your feet be great though, novelty socks are trending these days and are an excellent way to show that you appreciate warmth, but can keep it fashionable.  I have my own personal place where I shop for socks, but you can start with Happy Socks and then go from there.  Sorry guys, I can’t let you know where I’m shopping for my socks.  I love the exclusivity.

4. Accessorize with Hats, Scarves and Gloves – If you’re a slim or slender guy, I would tend to recommend the Fedora, for the stocky guys, go for a driving cap.  To be honest with you, those rules aren’t etched in stone, so do what you want, nobody’s checking.  Next is your scarf, for men, we tend to do fashion out of necessity and completely miss out on the memo… Women love a nicely dressed and groomed man.  Think for a moment, how much do women love scarves?  A lot, so that’s why it’s important that you love your winter scarf just as much.  I prefer a lengthy cashmere scarf, I’m a big fan of ribs and checkers.  Some people prefer crinkles, but those aren’t as warm.  After you get your scarf, visit this site to find some really neat knots to take it to the next level.  For your gloves, I call them OJs, but they are basically leather driving gloves.  Should be a tight fit so that you don’t lose your mobility, I hate loose fitting gloves.

5. Andis T-Outliner – Us men like to let our beards and goatees grow out during the winter.  Women love facial hair, but they hate messy facial hair.  So you need to be groomed accordingly.  Here’s where I recommend you do like most Black men and get an Andis T-Outliner.  Simply put, most Black men have no business letting a straight edge razor go anywhere near your face.  And when it comes to shaping there’s nothing better.  Invest in a pair now and they’ll last you a long time.

So here’s what you’re most likely to find in my closet, but I’m always interested to hear from the fellas what they’ve been eyeing this winter and what they hope to see under their Christmas tree from the lady in your life, even if that’s your mother.  Also, ladies, what say you about winter fashion?  Have you noticed something that you would recommend the fellas grab the next time they’re at Macy’s?  And also, what are some of your must-haves for yourself?  It’s a winter going on out there, no man is safe from, or as my main man Freeway said, “It’s cold winter, y’all [negros] better bundle up!.”

- Dr. J

Flight School Tracklist: 1. Good Morning by Kanye West 2. So Fresh So Clean by Outkast 3. Gold Watch by Lupe Fiasco 4. La Di Da Di by Slick Rick & Doug E. Fresh 5. Throwin My Money by TiRon 6. Flight School by Kanye & T-Pain 7. I’m So Fly by Lloyd Banks 8. So Fly by Slim & Yung Joc 9. Fly Together by Red Cafe & Rick Ross 10. Otis by Jay & Kanye 11. Champion by Kanye 12. One More Chance by Biggie — — Check out Carver The Great at his personal website, where you can also find booking information and more music!

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

Not included on this list: "I would never date a white girl."

In my former life, you could have expected a post called, “5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Listen to Women.”  They way I’m feeling these days, eh… you may see that post one day, but it doesn’t really interest me, probably would have only written it for your entertainment.  (This is an example of seeing the change in Dr. J, congratulate it, or he’ll think it’s pointless.)

Check out today’s mix from @CarverTheGreat, it’s called William Leonard Roberts, and it’s a nicely put together mix of Rick Ross tracks.  A tracklist can be found below, but download it here, or stream below:

Honestly, I don’t get upset when women make statements that I don’t agree with, or that I think are false.  I get upset when I’m listening to a woman explain something to me about her man and I’m caught between laughter and blurting out, “That fool is lying!”  Even in my own conversations with men, I find myself looking across the table with my best Bill Duke expression thinking, “This fool is full of ish.”

Me: I find myself troubled when I look at pictures of Rosa Acosta.
Him: She seem bad, but if you had money you would probably think different.
Me: I don’t have money though.
Him: She doesn’t do it for me, she comes across as ghetto.
Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about, you would wife down Rosa if she gave you two seconds before she went to the ladies’ room.
Him: Nah, I would never wife a girl down like that.  That’s not wifey material right there.
Me: [Thinks to himself, "Negro I’ve seen who you date and I know that your standards are way lower than you’re proclaiming right now. Rosa Acosta would easily be the most attractive women you’ve ever dated in your life and you can go head with all that bullsh*t."]

I’m well aware that the mention of the name, “Rosa Acosta” leaves a sour taste in a lot of women’s mouths.  If the way men gush over Rosa bothers you, make this list “Six things…” and make that the sixth thing you can take with a grain of salt from a man.  If not, let’s move on to my list.

1. They don’t like implants. – I can’t count the amount of conversations that I’ve had with men and women where men claim that they don’t find implants or plastic surgery attractive.  I think it was the big homie who said, “Natural breasts or Fake breasts? Trick question, the answer is breasts.”  That’s actually the gospel brought to your front door by Wisdom Is Misery and it’s true.  Men might claim to think that but when it comes down to it, they don’t mean that.  If non-matching panties don’t ruin the mood, then ass shots don’t either.  Seriously, stop and think for a moment of what a dude would do forced with the decision to take something down and his thought process was inundated with, “I’m not sure how I feel about ass shots.”
2. They mind if you got a sex tape. – Recently, video vixen and model Suelyn Medeiros released a sex tape.  I’ll just speak for myself, it had no effect on how I view her.  In fact, it only made my slight obsession a little worse.  It could be Suelyn or Kim Kardashian, it doesn’t matter, that tape doesn’t have anything to do with a man’s decision.  Of course, he’ll tell you that he wouldn’t date a girl like that, but that’s because he doesn’t want you thinking that he’s attracted to high-end women with no class.  But in the words of the late great Patrice O’Neal, “Be a dirty filthy whore.”  Do you really think it matters that she has a sex tape?  I got a friend who was using his girl’s laptop and came across a folder with the title, “[Her ex's name] Pictures.”  He clicked on it and it was a video in there of some dude and his girl doing a Mr. Marcus & Karrine Steffens impersonation.  He watched the whole thing and never told his girl he found it.  Anytime she didn’t want to put out, he knew he could just watch that video.
3. Their credit is above 800. – Men like to boast about their credit score because women want to know their credit score.  In reality, “I got a couple past due bills I won’t get specific.”  I’ll keep it 100 and funky, it’s almost impossible to get it above 800 unless you’ve never made a mistake in your life.  Raise your hand if you had roommates in college or in early adulthood that may have left you ass’ed out on a couple utility bills?  Raise your hand if you ever had a “I just ain’t got it” moment in your life?  Raise your hand if you carry a 30-day past due balance on your cell phone bill because you know that on the 31^st day is when they turn it off?  Yeah, 1x is the death of persona.  Raise your hand if you won’t pay your rent until the 10th this month?  Christmas and New Year’s threatening the entire month of January’s bills?  800 credit score, my arse.
4. They want a supermodel. – “I mean I’m not being picky, She don’t even have to a big ol’ ass you know, Just something well proportioned to her body, You know a nice little tail you know.” – Andre 3000.  Nothing could be closer to the truth.  There are only a few men out there who really want to date a supermodel, I can’t find them.  Next time you are at a nightclub or strip club, let me know if you see any men in awe over the super tall and skinny women in there.  Nope, not going to happen.  Men want something they can reach out and grab, it’s like Toys R Us, we like grabbing the toy and touching to see how it works.  En Vogue had it right.  Put down the fruit bowl, and pick up a bowl of ice cream.
   

   In the middle of authoring this post, I had an epiphany.  Thought i’d share it with you today.  I always thought that sex for a man was completely unfair because you have to focus on NOT doing something.  That’s just horribly frustrating.  Well, I imagine that for women trying to have TNA without ever getting to the point of fat, has got to be the female equivalent.

5. They don’t cheat. – Asking a man if he’s ever cheated is like asking a woman how many men she’s slept with.  You have to ask the question several times and multiple ways to get a straight answer out of her.  “Have you ever slept with another woman while you had another woman who was referring to you as her boyfriend?  Wait, do you think that having sex outside of your relationship whether meaningful or not is considered cheating?  Man, just give me your definition of cheating so I can understand your answers.”  Some of the greatest men to ever walk this planet happened to have some faults and cheated once or twice.  It happens, the men will keep this to ourselves and you young ladies keep your real body counts to yourselves too.

Every man who says one of these statements is not lying, but if someone held a gun to your head and asked you to bet your life on it, “Always pick, “He’s lying!””  This list isn’t all inclusive, so if you have a few others that you would like to add feel free to list them below in the comments.  I took a handful of the most popular ones that drive me crazy, I’m sure you’ve got a few that bother you just as much.

- Dr. J

Today’s Tracklist: Tracklist: 1. Here I Am, 2. All I Really Want, 3. No. 1, 4. Hello Good Morning, 5. Break My Heart, 6. Fly Together, 7. Magnificient, 8. Aston Martin Music, 9. Super High, 10. I Love My Bitches — Check out Carver The Great at his personal website, where you can also find booking information and more music!

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

This is how I like my Hip Hop. Because if i'm going to listen to ignorant music, I prefer my videos come on a 3AM, when it's just me and Jergens watching.

There was a time in this country where all you heard on the radio was Gangsta Rap.  Thank the Lord that’s over.  I can appreciate  Gangsta Rap as much as the next guy, but it was just a little depressing after a while.  After Biggie and Tupac died it was obvious that people actually started taking rap music way too seriously.  I always like to tell the younger generation this story about the reason Pac and Biggie got popped.

Growing up, I loved wrestling.  As boys in the neighborhood we used to go outside and play on this grass hill under this tree.  We would reenact every wrestling match we ever saw.  My favorite wrestler is and will always be Shawn Michaels, HBK, the Heartbreak Kid.  You wouldn’t believe how many of my boys I kicked in the face.  Well, one time, my boy E did the figure four leglock on my boy and broke his leg.  As we explained this to our parents, they looked at us and said, “Wrestling is fake! What the hell is wrong with you?!”  That’s basically what happened to Biggie and Tupac, they were just trying to sell records and someone took the thing way too seriously.

So to say that I was happy to see Gangsta Rap go, is probably an understatement. After Gangsta Rap went away there was a period in hip hop which I like to call, “Now-a-Later” raps.  It was basically started by Jay-Z, he would later accuse other rappers of doing the same thing, but we are all aware that it says in, The Holy Bible of All Things Hip Hop, “Thou shall not speak against Jay-Z under any circumstances, the punishment is death.”  I am about the business of keeping God’s commandments as it comes to Hip Hop.  But this was an area where rappers spent most of their time rapping about something now and hoping they get it later.  I always wondered why these rappers weren’t making more money, they were free marketing campaigns for designer fashion, technology and automobiles.  They should have used that to make some bread.  Anyway that lasted for a while, there were a few other eras in Hip Hop; sampling got way out of hand, Jay-Z did an unplugged and then everyone wanted a live sound, the South got the ball and is still heisting, and we mostly definitely cannot forget about get shot or go to jail rappers.

Check out today’s mix from @CarverTheGreat, it’s a compilation of songs by the artists that we’re talking about today.  A tracklist can be found below, but download it here, or stream below:

But right now in the game we have two types of rap: Plastic Surgery Rap & Emo Rap.  Plastic Surgery Rap really isn’t much to talk about.  Take a moment and read the story about wrestling in my youth again.  Yes, Plastic Surgery Rap is fake as hell, but you can’t stop looking at it.  I’m not talking about whether Onicka Tanya Maraj’s ass shots finally wore off either.  I’m talking about rappers like (well let me not mess up my own promotion)… put it to you like this my boy summed it up best with this quote: “Fake t*tties are like Ross raps, fake as hell but I feel em.” Or like, the big homie NC17 said, “In rap music everything you say is supposed to be backed by court verified documents. Street cred is overrated, I know some real goons— they’re in jail. I know some real thugs—they can’t rap on beat. I love Rick Ross because he knows how to weave a tale so grand that if you allow yourself to believe one word of it you’d be like “Damn, he’s an extraordinary human being.””  That’s Plastic Surgery rap, it’s fake, but it’s entertaining, so I love it.

Now this Emo Rap thing has just gotten way out of control.  Sometimes I’m listening to a new track on the radio and I’m just like, “Do some pushups, dawg.”  I thought women were supposed to be the ones who were constantly saying, “What about my feelings?”  Nope, it’s a line long as hell of rappers in the game right now who are emo.  I told myself before I started writing this article that the best way to write it would be to classify this as a type of rap instead of holding these feelings towards these artists as rappers.  I think they’re all very talented, but they’re not realizing how their music has a reaction on men… and consequently the trickledown effect on women.

Commander-In-Chief - Drake Drizzy Rodgers

I’ll start off by saying, I have listened to all Drake’s music. I know all the words to Marvin’s Room and Brand New.  First time I heard Brand New I almost cried… so I just did some pushups and went to the club.  Drake takes the game a little too far though, actually it’s not Drake it’s the people who listen to Drake.  Back in the day, you could get teased for a whole semester for being Captain Save-a-Ho, now everybody wants to Take Care of someone.  Back in the day, women used to call up their ex-boyfriend on New Year’s Eve talking about how they wasn’t going to take the baggage of the way he treated her into the New Year.  Oh my Lord, I pray for some women reading this article right now, I’m sure you will get a few phone calls from that dude you just wanted to be friends with on December 31^st.

Secretary of the Interior (Because nobody really cares what this department does) – Joe Budden

Everybody has a friend that smokes a little too much weed and gets in their feelings.  You usually take their phone away from them, but with Joey you have to take every electronic appliance you can find away from him.  This guy’s tweets are horrible.  I got nothing against Joey, that’s one of my best friend’s cousin.  I just don’t think that he realizes that he’s causing people to feel well within their rights to rant on Twitter for an hour or two anytime a chick does them wrong, or when they THINK they have beef with a dude.  I seen two dudes beefing on Twitter one time and I was like, “Do you hit your keys really hard and fast to show him that you’re not to be tweeted with?”

Chief of Staff – Lil’ Wayne

Lil’ Wayne is the best rapper alive right now.  Don’t even try and start an argument with me over this, because you know I’ll argue about it all day and night.  Anyway, Lil’ Wayne is like every kid under the age of 18’s role model.  How to Love and How to Hate were both emo as all hell.  I was expecting him to drop How to F.. well let me stop, because Wayne seems like he does okay for himself.  He got Lauren London pregnant.  Most of the dudes I know that are not with their baby mama anymore always start a sentence with, “but in high school she was bad.”  Lauren London is bad and for that Wayne I commend you.  But you have to cut this jeggings business all the way out.  I seen a kid on the train the other day, he had on some Ray Bans, Vans, a plastic leather coat, a fitted with dreds, green tiger print jeggings, and a nose ring.  I thought to myself, “I bet you he got a tattoo that say, Young Money, too.”

Minister of Music – Kanye West

I would have put Chris Brown here, but you know what, if someone kept bringing up something from three years ago to me all the time I would probably go HAM too.  However, Kanye West is the Minister of Music when it comes to being emo.  First and foremost, nobody told him to put his heart and soul … and personal life into his music.  He clearly never saw the movie Showgirls because then he would know that strippers got hopes and dreams too.  But Kanye has to stop with all this crying at Watch The Throne concerts man.  I miss my Uncle Charles too dawg, but I will not be crying on stage.  Now you got dudes on the block and J. Cole not afraid to say they cry sometimes.  It’s depressing, b.

2012 Presidential Candidate – J. Cole

J. Cole is a very talented rapper.  His mixtapes were on-point.  I think his lyrics can be powerful, but when you single them out (as people have a tendency to do with Lil’ Wayne) you can find a few corny ones in just about every 16 he’s ever produced.  That’s why you have to look at the full body of work.  He has a good angle, pause, he talks about abortion, his mother, going to jail, begging Jay-Z to listen to his demo and trying to get intellectual with jumpoffs.  Here’s my only issue with Cole: he connects with his fans because he comes across as a real dude who came from nothing and somehow he made his situation better, but then he has a track where he talks about how great his life is now and I’m left feeling like, “But dawg, I’m still on the bus.”  Yep, J. Cole will have you hype one minute, then depressed thinking about how rough things are in your life, and then he’s talking about hopping out of vans and not knowing chicks names and you like, “Man if I could just remember this one chick’s name maybe she’ll let me take her to Applebee’s.”

These are my thoughts on emo rap.  I’m interested to hear yours.  Again, I don’t have anything against these guys as people, I just don’t know if they realize the implications of their music in society.  What do you guys (and girls) think about emo rap?  Who are some of your favorite artists in the game right now and why?  Let’s chat it up about Hip Hop today, make me proud.

- Dr. J

Tracklist for Today’s Mix, Emo Rappers by @carverthegreat: 1. UGK by Drake, 2. BM Jr. by Lil Wayne, 3. Quality Of Life by Joe Budden, 4. World Is Empty by J. Cole, 5. Can’t Get Enough by J. Cole, 6. Round Of Applause by Drake, 7. Tony Montana by Drake, 8. Marvin Gaye by Kanye West, 9. Amazing by Kanye West, 10. Can’t Tell Me Nothing by Kanye West, 11. Lord Knows by Drake & Rick Ross, 12. Devil In A New Dress by Kanye West & Rick Ross — Check out Carver The Great at his personal website, where you can also find booking information and more music!

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

Everyday i'm hustlin...

Before my laptop crashed, I had a list of people who made it without college degrees.  I wasn’t talking about people who dropped out of Ivy League schools.  People always want to point to Mark Zuckerberg and say, “See you don’t need a degree to succeed.”  My reply, “Aight bet, just get into an Ivy League school before you make that decision though.”  I’m talking about good and regular citizens like me and you who may or may not have a degree but we make due anyway.

I thought about this because as Black people we always stress the need for higher education.  I think that it’s important that you tell the youth to reach for the stars and so I don’t think it’s wise to tell a 10 year old, “You don’t have to go to school, you can do good all by yourself.”  That’s not the right type of motivation that the youth needs.  However, I do think that we shouldn’t think of someone as a failure or having a ceiling just because they don’t have a degree.  My family is very successful, but my grandfather didn’t go to college, he actually dropped out of high school and ran away from home in South Carolina and he did what all of us do, “he made some sh*t happen.”  My grandfather hustled numbers until he had a family and then he settled into a fulltime gig at Sterling Dry Cleaners for 30 years until his retirement.  My grandfather got me to thinking though, how necessary is the degree.  Check me out.

Despite popular belief the military is a great option – Here’s what I don’t like about the military: they put guns in the hands of young Black men and tell them to go kill their own people.  Here’s what I like about the military: they educate men and women with state of the art technology and they also teach a sense of discipline and maturity that is ions ahead of what happens at four year institutions in America.  You can go into the military, serve your country and you will exit the military either through discharge or retirement and have access to some of the best things in America.  I know a dude who retired as a Lt. Colonel and came into my firm and make 200K.  When you ask him about his degree, he doesn’t know what that means, but he oversaw over 10,000 troops in Iraq.  I don’t care what you say, you can have six degrees from Harvard, that ain’t got nothing on being in charge of 10,000 men and women’s lives in a time of war.

If you go to work everyday and you work hard, you will be rewarded - Like my grandfather, if you go to work everyday and work hard, everything will work out for you.  It’s real men out here right now without degrees who do what they have to do to provide for them and theirs.  They should be applauded.  You ain’t got to put on a shirt and tie to bring home a paycheck, legally.  If you are a contractor for FedEx, be the best at what you do; pass all your drug tests and show up on time.  You never know, one day that may turn into your own business and Kobe Bryant from the Lakers.  Now that’s paper!

A Good Government Job, is still a good Government Job - My boy told me he couldn’t date a chick who didn’t go to college.  She was a DC slim with hazel eyes, and I said, “Dog you just not from here, she probably doing alright for herself.”  If you not from DC, I’ll have to explain this later but, YOU AIN’T GOT TO GO TO COLLEGE TO MAKE GS-13.  All them position descriptions say, “or equivalent experience.”  A lot of females grow up and they know they need to get out the house as soon as possible, they graduate high school and go in the government.  You put your time in the government and you can retire.  If you are motivated you can turn a GS-3, into a 5, into a 7/9, into a 9/11/12 and then be on your way in no time.  (All that is are the GS schedules and the way the positions are in the government.  The Federal government is just set up in a way that you can keep moving up without a degree.)  My whole point was this, how can you judge a chick for not having a degree when she got more money than you?  (Sidenote: Being from here, I got too many family members in the government to ever take shots at that life, keep this in mind during the comments.)

Trade school is a good look these days - You know how much plumbers make? $80 an hour.  Yep, and I’m not talking about that guy who comes over your house and pays you in yards. I’m talking about the dude who unclogs your drains because you don’t know how to put your hair in the trash can.  You go to trade school and you can be making $80/hour for life.  That’s a skill that they can’t take from you.  Because of the decrease of men becoming plumbers, their rates are going up and so is their business.  You know how much the person who operates a crane on a construction site makes?  They make a bill an hour.  You know how much a consultant makes?  On average, about $30-35 an hour.  Think about that.

I’m just not the social type and campus life is crazy - One of my boys raps, y’all know him, but I won’t shout him out.  He was my roommate freshman year in college, he only lasted two weeks.  He couldn’t deal with campus life.  It wasn’t like he was partying or banging everything that walked, he was just not into it and it depressed him, so he dropped out.  He got himself in a good position once he left college and he started dropping these weird mixtapes and hanging around artists.  He’s making paper now.  The only reason I bring this up is because there are some people who just ain’t made for college campuses.  We force their hand by dragging them there.  They don’t do well, they may graduate, but just barely.  Those people would be better served if no one forced them to college, but instead taught them some other routes that they could go.

What do you guys think though?  Is it important that we present these other options to our youth?  Do we stop stratifying ourselves with our degrees?  What’s the difference between paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to market yourself, or just finding it out yourself?  What’s the difference between a hustler and a professional?  What you think?

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

Damn Gina!

I have never been able to put my finger on it, but I always wonder when was the point where Black people were convinced that they were “bothering” somebody when they asked for decent liberties at work.  I know how they did it though. That much I am 100% sure of.  It was when they titled any Black person with an issue at their job, “Angry.”  Have you ever wondered what “Angry Black” man or woman really meant?  I have, but it’s always compared to things that don’t really make sense to me.  They say a Black woman who is too aggressive or argumentative in the workplace is an “Angry Black woman.”  Pssh, Black people have had a term for that since the time of slavery, “She has an attitude problem.”  Attitude problems can go to anybody white, Black, Puerto Rican or Haitian. I don’t buy it when it’s applied as this “Angry Black woman” syndrome.  I’ve sat and watched and I’ve just come to the conclusion that the “angry black man card” is the white counterpart to the “race card” for Black people.

I always wonder if I’m the Angry Black guy in my office.  I thought about these five things and wondered “does that make me the Angry Black guy?”

1) Am I paid enough for the BS I have to put up with?

This is probably what I spend most of my time thinking about when I’m at work.  Am I making enough money and am I paid enough for all the BS I have to put up with on a daily basis?  This is white people fault, sorry buddy, but you have to call a spade a spade.  If you can manage to take down stories of injustice then you should take down articles that show that white people make more money on average than Black people.  Since there’s no changing this fact, and I know somebody at my firm who makes more money than me, this is always going to bother me.

2) If you don’t want me to sleep with my coworkers, why do we got to hang around each other so much?

I think most Black men thought they just ain’t want Black men sleeping with white women in America… okay maybe that was just me.  However, turns out they don’t want you to sleep with your coworkers because it could cause problems in the workplace should it not work out.  Here’s what I don’t understand, why do we have spend so much time together?  It’s bad enough that you want me here first thing in the morning and then you don’t let me go until the day is over and you HAVE to let me go home and sleep.  But what the hell is all this work picnic, work happy hour, work service event on the weekend, softball and kickball with the coworkers?  Please explain why you want to hang out with each other all the time.  Do you guys have friends outside of work you can hang out with?  I’m getting upset just thinking about this.

3) Am I smarter than my boss?

I don’t think we’re ever going to get to the bottom of this.  I think we’ve all worked for someone who was a complete idiot.  That’s fine, you will have good bosses and you will have bad bosses.  You know what really grinds my gears to no end?  When my boss intentionally has to make it known that he’s the boss despite the fact that he’s wrong.  Besides all that, I just think to myself sometimes, “Didn’t I say that two weeks ago?”  It’s like a never ending battle.  I think the logical solution would be for bosses to give their subordinates credit when credit is due for solving a tough problem or going the extra mile.  I find that this is not logical. It’s WAY more logical to just steal the idea and keep it moving.

4) If you piss me off, what is the most productive way of me expressing my discontent?

People in general have weird ways about them.  They nonchalantly do something to piss you off and then get mad when you’re pissed off.  You don’t include a person on several meetings, you have “brainstorming” sessions where “you don’t need to come to this, we’ll just fill you in [NEVER],” and then you write on their review, “Needs to be more proactive and take initiative.”  At what?  Busting you in your f*cking lip?!  This is a casualty of war and people will get upset at work, but then how do you express your discontent?  This is where I just don’t get it or see eye to eye with people.  I’ve always said, “If you act crazy, what does that make me for coming back at you in a logical manner?”  Dumb as hell.

5) Not to belabor, Point #2, but if this place isn’t made for me, why you expect me to be happy being here?

Let’s keep it all the way 100, there’s nothing about Corporate America that was made for Black people.  “Consider what we’ve seen” (in my Morpheus voice), we can’t speak our language in the workplace, we can’t go to the school of our choice (Re: HBCU) and then gain equal access into it. You keep asking me to show up on-time. You seek to deny me my MLK holiday. And we celebrate Jewish and Christian holidays, but not Kwanzaa?  Word, yeah okay.  Sometimes when you’re in the workplace you feel like you’re in sex trafficking.  You’re put in this crappy place that’s not your home and told that you better enjoy it, or you’ll end up dead or in poverty.  So when you ask a Black person in the workplace, “why are you so angry?”  Think about it from their perspective.  The only thing they have left is an attitude.

- Dr. J

I promise to stop listening to N.W.A. while blogging, but it’s just what I like to hear at work.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

My favorite part of the year is the fall, that’s when you can actually really do some damage on the fashion scene.  One of the things that most men never realize is that a keen sense of fashion is critical in deciding his social status.  Women notice almost immediately when a man has on some nice threads, even men take note too.  Keep it real fellas, you really want me to believe you never saw a dude with something on and thought to yourself that you wanted to get something just like it this weekend?  Yeah, me neither.

@DrJayJack & @CarverTheGreat Present: #Freshcode A Tribute To Andre 3000, download here, or stream below:

Nonetheless, I took the liberty of putting together a short list of items that every man should make sure he has in his closet this fall.  I’m not going to recommend you start cuffing your jeans, invest in silk scarves, or turn into a wolf man to keep up with the times.  These are subtle additions that will definitely help you stand out in a crowd.

Michael Kors 'Blacked Out Runway' Chronograph Watch - $250

Michael Kors wristwatch – There used to be a time when a big faced watch was appropriate to give you that regal look.  However, recently the trend has shifted to subtlety but upon a closer look you realize that it’s as fashionable as ever.  I purchased the above watch because it allowed me not to have some flashy with “fake” diamonds or a huge face, but it’s got the blacked out look that catches the eye of a cultured watchman.

Banana Republic Heritage Classic Belt Trench - $298 (on sale for $250)

3/4 length trench coat – I’ve told myself that the last trench coat was going to be the one that lasted me for years.  This year, I fell in love with yet another Banana Republic trench coat.  These are the perfect addition to your collection.  We’re quite too old to still wear a pea coat everywhere we go, and if it ain’t the pea coat then it’s the North Face or leather jacket.  Do yourself a favor and cop a trench coat.  I would recommend Gap or Banana Republic because it’s easier on the pocket, but you can go ultra Travolta with the Burberry or Ralph Lauren trench coat with the same results.  Here’s the most important thing, never get a baggy trench coat, a baggy trench coat just screams Law & Order SVU.  You want a trench coat that fits.

Not pictured, but Cole Haan has cool pairs for $198

Saddle shoes – Personally, you guys know that I’m always attempting to stay trendy without going too far with my fashion.  If you’re reading any magazines, you’ll see a lot of ankle boots, I am not a fan.  I always liked the Kenneth Cole Reaction ankle boots, but lately, they’re just not the right look for me (or any other Black man).  Take advantage of the return of the saddle shoe.  Charlie Brown shouldn’t be the only nicely dressed man to wear some saddle shoes, you should grab a pair too.  If you don’t like the white/black jumpoffs, feel free to do any color coordination to your liking.  I’m a brown shoe guy, always have been, always will be.  I prefer the two tone brown saddle shoes.

Banana Republic Heritage New Slim Indigo Jean - $98.50 (on sale for $80)

Tight Fitted Jeans (or Slim) – If you are still wearing baggy jeans, go out back and shoot yourself in the head with a revolver – seriously, euthanize yourself.  Personally, I think that baggy jeans is something that men who didn’t love their body came up with to cover up their faults.  If you have the ability to wear a tight fitted pair of jeans, do so.  Do not wear jeggings, never wear jeggings unless you’re trying to impress 12 year old girls.  However, take all that unnecessary air out of your jeans and get some jeans that fit you nicely.  The obvious question that I always get is, “I’m thinking about slim cut jeans or tight fitted, but how tight is too tight?”  That’s simple, try on the jeans, if you can make a fist and put it in your front pocket, those are too loose.  Vice versa, if you’ll have to pull a female move and only take your ID and credit card with you in the club, those are too tight.  You want the front of your jeans to have a smooth, no crease or wrinkle look to them, and for the back of your jeans to show off your hammies and calfs.

Apple iPad, starts at $499

Apple iPad 2 – Anyone who knows me well knows that I just cannot stand Apple technology, I think it’s a ploy to control humanity.  When I think of Apple, I immediately think SkyNet.  However, there’s no doubt in my mind that an iPad is the best piece of technology to date in terms of handheld devices.  The iPad is the definitive item in a man’s fall collection.  This device will allow you to check email, write an article, chat with friends, check fantasy football scores, or catch up with your significant other via FaceTime all at the same time.

A couple things, i’m admittedly average height (5’9″) and a slim build (I might be 152 lbs, soaking wet, with my jeans on in the rain).  This list will differ for everyone based on their height and weight.  So for those of you who aren’t “bringing skinny back,” what are some items that you’ve peeped that you think are required material for men?  Be sure to give some background on why you think that’s a good add.  Ladies, tell us a little about what you like to see a man wearing, but feel free to mention your five items too.  Cheers.

- Dr. J

Today’s Tracklist: 1. A Life In The Day of Benjamin Andre 2. I Can’t Wait 3. Roses 4. Behold A Lady 5. Party (Beyonce) 6. Sleazy 7. Throw Some D’s 8. Walk It Out 9. Green Light (John Legend) 10. Hey Ya!

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.