Today’s post is a Guest Post from a good friend of mine, Ayanna Abrams, Psy. D.  She graduated from The Chicago School of Professional Psychology, and is completing a postdoctoral fellowship as a Psychotherapist at Emory University Student Counseling Ctr.  I thought this would be a good way to present this post.  I had long thought about writing an article after reading this article from Yashar Ali on Huffington Post, titled, A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not “Crazy”.  I didn’t agree with this article, I thought he was trying too hard.  I thought it would be better presented from a woman.  Anyway, please enjoy today’s guest post.  I’ll see you guys in the New Year!

I first want to begin this guest post by thanking Dr. J for the opportunity to speak about a particular area of interest for me in my clinical work: relationships within the black community, and particularly, the sociohistorical and political influences that continue to have an impact on the ways in which we, as a community, see one another and therefore, interact and develop meaningful relationships. When asked to contribute to this blog, I was initially surprised that I would be thought of, but I’m excited to offer a small snippet of what I see, what I do, and to be able to have an open and honest dialogue about the impact of language on our perceptions and behaviors.

I pretty regularly have conversations with friends and colleagues about relationship happenings, whether in my own, in theirs, in friends’, and what we see with our clients and in the media, and there’s much overlap.  Probably too much.  Who and what we have as relationship role models is in many cases, lacking, and has a direct impact on how we are in relationships, as well as how we expect others to be when in relationships with us. What I’ll write about today holds importance for any race/ethnicity, but has been specifically been more detrimental to black relationships for well known reasons of racism and sexism that are too much to really delve into today.

So…“crazy.”  This is a word that gets thrown around pretty often, and has a number of different meanings, positive and negative, depending on the context. For the purpose of this post, we’ll assume that the use is negative.  First of all, crazy literally means, “full of cracks or flaws; unsound; mentally deranged, demented; insane, etc.”  *Merriam-Webster Dictionary and Dictionary.com.* Clinically, the word is not even utilized, because of its derogatory nature and complete inaccuracy when used to describe a person’s character.  What I find problematic with its use in relationships, and its use by black men towards black women, is that it is:

1) A false accusation and label that has been used to define, determine and limit the character of a black woman who asserts her needs in any given relationship, be that romantic, professional, familial, etc.

2) Oftentimes a blanket and loosely based reaction to women holding men accountable for actions that are inconsiderate, offensive, invalidating, etc.

3) Undermining and gives chance to ignore his role in what has led her to do or say something “crazy.” It’s easier to point the finger at others, rather than keep the focus on and take responsibility for your own actions.

4) Consciously and unconsciously used to manipulate women into confusion about what is acceptable, to the point where she’s now second-guessing herself and accepting bad behavior as normal. How many times have you or have you known a female friend to ask, “Am I crazy, though? Is this just me?”

5) In fact, counter-productive to RESOLVING the issue, which lies at the heart of the problem, right? Think back to a time when you either called a black woman crazy or watched the scenario go down when someone you know did that…it’s kind of akin to saying “You need to calm down,” right? When’s the last time that’s actually worked for you?

Bold labeling in any relationship is problematic, because it makes a generalization about a specific problem and cannot be taken back. The impact of words used against us cannot and should not be forgotten, especially when our reaction to these words is useful information for how we set boundaries.  In addition to this, there are many more implications when peers from within our already mis-labeled community label us in hurtful ways. For many black women, these labels become internalized and can lead to a number of psychological problems and relationship misconceptions and dysfunction.  The waters under the current functioning of black relationships are already muddy, and reactively using language to divert from problems within your relationship, without diligent attention, is not only insensitive in the moment, but devastating over time.

Black women have enough myths perpetuated by the majority, and to have a black man use this power against them is unacceptable and damaging.  The impact of labeling does not stay with the woman who you accuse, but trickles into the remainder of your relationship and her other relationships, in which she now begins to question herself and her right to be treated a certain way.  It encourages her not to express herself, to take what is laid before her without challenge, and to de-value herself as you have clearly demonstrated for her. If you, her partner, view her as such, what reason is there for her to believe that others will view her any differently? That she can BE any different? Men can “crazify,” women at any given point during an interaction, and the ease with which certain wounding language is used makes it normalized and believable.

The other side of the coin is, let’s face it, men AND women in relationships can frequently engage in really unhealthy behaviors when they do not get what they want or feel they deserve from a partner.  I do not want to put out the perception that not calling women “crazy,” means that unacceptable behavior should be overlooked for fear of not perpetuating a stereotype and uplifting the black community.  Actions like damage to property, stalking, harassment of you or others close to you (or thought to be close to you), manipulation of any sort; these behaviors are not healthy in any relationship, and before leaving her with the words, “You’re crazy,” this might be a chance to a) remove yourself from a situation that is harmful to both of you, or b) decide to work through what the issues may be, with BOTH partners being accountable for what has led to this moment.  She did not get to this point on her own; trust me.  And whether that is because of you or someone else, there is a better way to acknowledge this.  Honestly, if you cannot think of a better way to resolve an issue than to call her names, then maybe this is not the relationship for you.  But, in many cases, diversion to what you may deem as her problematic thought processes will work, and allow you the flexibility to act how you want.

It might be time to take a deeper look at yourself and your relationship patterns if you continue to engage with the “crazy,” woman or women.  We all know a man, and some of you may be a man, who complains about it, but, in fact, ENJOYS the “crazy.” …hence reinforcing it.  There’s the phenomenon that the main men who complain about “crazy,” women seem to always be in a relationship with one, right?  The “crazy” chick is a chick who provides almost non-stop attention and ego-boosting potential, so there’s a secondary gain for him.

As a psychotherapist, I also want to point out the powerful negative stigma associated with the word “crazy,” and how shaming it has been for many individuals, particularly in the black community, in seeking out mental health services because of the connotation that it holds.  Now, I’ve seen the clinically “deranged, unstable and unsound,” individual, and the black woman before you, who may be asking for more than you are willing to provide her, is far from that.  Calling her “crazy,” leaves her more damaged than when you entered a relationship with her, whether either partner recognizes this.

I encourage anyone reading this post to retreat from destructive labels, open up communication within your relationships and consider the larger context and impact of your words.

- Ayanna Abrams, Psy. D.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

Not every post's pic has to feature black people!

I recently watched the movie, She’s Out of My League. It’s actually pretty good. I will qualify that compliment with the fact that I began watching it with the lowest of expectations, so you may want to keep that in mind. At one point in the movie, the characters break down the spread one has to cover in order to get with someone “out of your league.”

Stainer: Okay, anyway… I love Kirky, but let’s face it, the guy’s a five.
Devon: Stainer, that’s just a dirty pool. He’s at least a six.
Stainer: A six? Alright you go ahead and pump rainbows into his @-hole. I’m just being honest.
Jack: Come on, cut him some slack. Look. Half a point cause he’s a nice guy. Right? And he’s funny, so that’s half a point each. That brings him to six.
Stainer: But he drives a sh*tbox, deduct a point. Take a point off.
Kirk: Wait, what’s wrong with my Neon?
Stainer: Oh, I don’t know, except the people who make that car don’t even like it. So, we’re back to a five.
Jack: Five.
Stainer: Meanwhile, this Molly, is a hard ten. And that five point disparity, that’s a chasm.
Kirk: Chasm?
Stainer: Chasm! You can’t jump more than two points.

As I’ve gotten older and remain unmarried, I’ve had no choice but to reflect back on some of my more serious relationships and attempt to figure out why they failed. I then have to decipher if they are worth pursuing anew, assuming the person hasn’t moved on to some less qualified chump bigger and better things.

“I’m just sayin you can do better” – Droopy Drake

Like most men people, I’ve wanted someone who is out of my league. However, the more I thought about that statement, the more I began to wonder what the hell it even meant. Is it related to looks only? Intelligence? Career and life accomplishments?

If I date someone who’s beautiful but dumb and unemployed, what have I really accomplished? Is she still out of my league? What if she’s ok in the looks department but advanced in her career and extremely intelligent? Is she out of my league then too? Is this strictly based on my own interpretation or the perception of others?

I have a friend and we were dead serious joking about how we want a woman that is so fine when people see us together they make bitterly jealous and snide remarks like: 1) I’m just sayin you can do better; 2) He must be rich; or 3) He aint hittin that right!

I have wondered for quite some time what my future wife will be like. Upon first impressions, what will I and others think of her? Does it matter what others think? For me? Honestly? Yes, sort of. I want a woman in my life that others are jealous of. Be it for superficial or intellectual reasons or the lifestyle her and I have worked together to build. With age, I’ve gotten more practical.

There was a time in my life where I vowed only to (seriously)  date women that were finer than the last woman I seriously dated. This was sustainable for a while until, well, I dated a woman that was too fine to top. Shortly thereafter I realized how stupid a goal this was to have in the first place. You know how it goes: When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways…

Streetz already did a full analysis on Drake’s Marvins Room, from which I quoted from earlier. What bothered me about this song and a part of the movie itself is how much influence we can sometimes allow others to have on our relationships. If some man, even your X-man, has the influence to make you question the merits of our relationship simply by telling you that you can do better, how strong was our foundation to begin with? I have a simple rule about men trying to take my woman, which I know they will because I have no plans to be with a woman that men wouldn’t want to take. Indirectly, it’s a compliment to you and my taste that another man would attempt such a feat. At the same time, if he can take you, he can keep you.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you consistently looking for someone out of your league or are you content dating the men in or below your league? How do you determine where they fall – based on your own opinion or that of others? What are your thoughts on the movie character’s conversation highlighted above? Ladies, if you’re a 10, how does a 5 go about covering “the Chasm?”

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from wisdomismisery.

If you believe this; I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn, I would love to sell you.

“Because if you gonna do something egregious, you might as well go balls to the wall. If not, just be the hot ass mess that you are.” That’s one of my favorite quotes.  There are those situations that we find ourselves in that cause us a great deal of anguish and frustration. Have you ever been so knee deep into a mess of a situation that you couldn’t even reach out to your friends because you already knew they would tell you that you had no business in the situation to begin with? What’s worse is that you actually know that you have no business being in this situation, however you should have known long before reaching the point of anguish that you would be in it.

There was this girl in college that had a rough few semesters before she figured it out. She wasn’t like many of the other freshman young ladies, she wasn’t from a big city and she had never had a boyfriend. When she got to college it wasn’t long before it seemed like The Usual Suspects had ran through her. I heard a story and I am never sure if it was true or folklore that she had slept with almost 8-10 guys within the first two weeks of school. When I met this girl she was nice though. I always found girls from big cities to be a bit more aggressive. That’s fine, an inner city can toughen you up. I thought this girl was actually a very personable young lady and she had a lot to offer to a relationship.

Before we get too far into it today, once again, yours truly, Dr. J and also Carver The Great (@carverthegreat), team up for another mix for the post today.  Download here (http://www.mediafire.com/?iob1odvgqco1ddt), or stream with the link below:

I’ve got this thing about myself, I rarely ever ask about a girl’s past. I don’t want to know. I tell all men that it’s not important how many men a woman has actually slept with or what she’s actually done in her past, it only matters what you think. So when I’m dating a girl, I never ask, (OH I’ll find out some ish if it’s worth knowing), but I never ask. I make an inference based on the way she carries herself and come up with a history in my head. Before bringing this up to anyone, I personally make a decision if I’m willing to deal with all this or not. I think that’s where most people get themselves into trouble is by involving everyone in their decision to deal with someone. They will talk to their friends and review general societal norms to develop what they personally feel about something. To me, that’s always been kind of backwards, especially because I find very few men who are publicly willing to date someone just like them or their friends.

I had a buddy who called me up one day and told me that he needed me to look out for a young lady who was moving to DC. He said her name but it never really dawned on exactly who this girl was until me and the girl were hanging out in DC one time and she told me that while she was dating my friend he cheated on her several times. The irony of this situation is that not only did she just confess to me that he cheated on her several times, but as you can see, I really had no recollection of who she was until she told me this. It was at this point that I put the pieces together and realized that the girl he always said he was “talking to” was in fact his girlfriend. From time to time we would have awkward conversations about relationships and our past and it would always be blatantly obvious that she was talking about my friend. One time she even said, “I’ve always wanted to be nothing more than a wife and mother and raise a family, but I spent a lot of time dating a man who didn’t want those things with me.” She was very attractive and we shared many of the same values about life. I always thought that had we met under a different circumstance we could have been great for one another. It was when those thoughts slipped into our minds caused us to weigh heavily the possibility that we could ever be together.

I’ve got a few rules about the women I date. First rule, nobody is allowed at the wedding who has seen my bride naked. Now I’ll agree with most people that the chances of me ever knowing that some guy at my wedding has seen my wife naked are slim to none because she’s not likely to tell me, but I should at least have some policy in place should it need be enforced.

Second rule, if you never told me that was your girlfriend, then it wasn’t your girlfriend. A man doesn’t leave room for speculation as it comes to the women he’s dating seriously. He makes it known amongst his circle of friends, “This is my woman.” If you don’t do that then you can’t expect your boy to respect that bond. Funny thing about this is that it wasn’t even a personal story that brought me to this conclusion. I had a couple of guy friends who didn’t speak all that much. Well, one got to the other’s girlfriend and in addition to the fact that one didn’t even know the other had a girlfriend, his lady didn’t even know they were close friends.

Third rule, if you’re going to date someone who has been around your network a few times, you have one choice, move to another network. You must be sure that you are willing to put your relationship with this person above the existing friendships and step out on faith that your relationship is stronger than that. You can’t have it both ways.

I met a girl one time at a coffeehouse/bookstore, she was pretty, seemed like the type of girl I’d want to date. This was the first time we met, but I had already asked around about her. Exploratory information only: “Who is she” and “What does she do” or “Who does she hang out with”. Those answers all came back with nothing more except, “To be honest, nobody really knows who she is.” I’ve always been very weary of a person with nothing on their resume. Not that I am searching for dirt, but I had to dig deeper. We had a mutual friend and so I asked, “What’s her deal” and our mutual friend, “I don’t know Jay, she is very liberal with who she sleeps with.” I knew what that meant, but it didn’t stop my interest in pursuing something with her, although it did begin to put a cap on how far I would initially go to court.

Once we offically met in this bookstore we were both sitting around discussing relationships, the conversation got heated and things might have been said that shouldn’t have. The topic of asking about the number of people a person has slept with came up and of course everyone had a lot to say. Most men typically approach this situation the same, they want no parts of the discussion so they say it doesn’t matter. I got the sense that she thought the conversation was a little nonsensical and she even said herself, “I don’t see what the point of asking the question is, what are you going to find out that you will like hearing?” That didn’t really raise a flag to anyone there except me because I had been privy to some information based on my background investigation for her.

Later after this discussion things went to a more social setting, we all settled at a bar and me and her had some one-on-one time. We talked about the conversation in the bookstore and she said I looked disinterested. My response, “Yeah I usually am, I mean I just feel differently about that whole conversation than most people, but it can be misunderstood by a lot of people.” She asked me what I meant and I explained to her this; I’ve always felt like if you refused to disclose your number then you thought you did something bad, if you weren’t afraid to disclose your number then you didn’t think you did anything wrong. I could live with that. She said, “Well, how many people have you slept with?” And I answered, alcohol probably had something to do with that. She then said, “Are you going to ask me?” I said, “Fine, how many?” She replied, “Um.. I think about 30, no maybe closer to 35, but the number is different, are you asking how many of those I was consistently sleeping with?”

Earlier I pointed out that most people make decisions on the people they will date based on the opinions of others. Let me append to that; men truly take into consideration how they look in a situation when choosing a mate. This might surprise you, but if a man meets a girl and he knows that she’s been around, but his boys don’t know, he ain’t going to say nothing, he’ll just let it rock. By the same token, the reason why I always remain quiet when it comes to cheating in relationships is because I truly believe that both sexes are just as likely to cheat, the interesting thing is, a man won’t tell everybody he’s been cheated on. Women will tell everybody they been cheated on and then wonder why their friends judge them for going back to their husband. If you had the privilege to talk to a married couple about infidelity in their relationship, I would be willing to bet that one of the first questions a man will ask is, “Who else knows about this?” That is the quintessential question to a man, (I can’t speak for women), because they know that if this indiscretion in their relationship stays between the two of them, they are willing to work through it.

I can’t share with you if I decided to actually pursue something with any of these three women. I think the point is although many people think circumstances are cut and dry, most times they aren’t. Many of us will find ourselves in situations that from a distance are “hot ass messes.” I’m not sure that matters. I’m sure that none of us are Saints, but we don’t have to be forever Sinners. My main Cole called it perfectly when he said, “She said, she not a hoe, but she far from a virgin.” I was listening to that and I thought, “Keep it real with you, that’s what men want.” I can’t tell any man anything more than this, “Stop looking for the perfect woman, she doesn’t exist. And if she does, she doesn’t want you.” A man is going to date a woman who’s been cheated on before, you’ll date a woman who’s been around, and you’ll date a woman with some baggage. That baggage that a woman carries may be a few kids, or it may be the fact that because of those kids she can’t afford a divorce, or just maybe her dingbat ex-husband won’t sign the paperwork. All I’m suggesting is that, not every woman is going to come fresh out the package, unused, no baggage, no damage, sometimes you got to reevaluate where you stand and what makes you personally happy, sometimes when you stop listening to other people you find something that may work out for you.

- Dr. J

Track Listing on Today’s mix: 1. Me & My B*tch by Biggie, 2. You’re All I Need by Method Man & Mary J. Blige, 3. Freak Though by T.I., 4. Do For Love by 2Pac, 5. Fall For Your Type, 6. Prostitute Flange by Lil Wayne, 7. Me & You Against The World by Musiq, 8. Ex-Factor by Lauryn Hill,  9. Song Cry by Jay-Z, 10. Blame Game by Kanye West

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

The f*?

Double Standards are everywhere!

I mean … some of them really suck … some of them are helpful … some of them just …well, don’t make sense.  Most of the people that complain about double standards benefit from some of them simultaneaously.

Double Standards are everywhere when it come to the sexes.  There are things that a guy can do that are just not acceptable for a female.  There are things a woman can do that are unbecoming for a man.  Let’s take some time to focus on the later.

*break* (for those of you unclear about what a double standard is)

A double standard refers to one class of entities being treated differently from another class of entities, and implies an unfair or unjustified differentiation. Double standards can be applied to many entities including people, groups, and concepts.

cite: wikipedia

So, as a public service to all of those soft, simping, lame, punk sumb*tchin misinformed males,

SBM presents the Double Standard guide for men

aka … sh*t she can get away with that you can’t.

Crying

I think this goes without saying.  Sure if your parent dies, someone kills your dog, you get kicked in the balls, or someone throws sand directly in your eyes (the eyebrows and eyelids don’t count) … then let the tears fly, but otherwise … man up!  Your just not allowed to cry.  Bambi’s mom got shot … man up!  Your girl just left you … man up!  You caught your best friend giving your wife the “bidness” … get the shotgun because its time for someone to die, then man up!

Tongue Rings

I polled the world on tongue rings many years ago, and there is one thing well agreed upon fact: men don’t wear tongue rings. If they do … they duck sick don’t appreciate the company of women.  I don’t care if its a stud, hoop, or a spinning glow in the dark piece, it does not belong in the mouth of a man.  On women it can be sexy, implies good fellatio head kissing, but sadly there are some warped men who didn’t get the memo.

Temper Tantrum

Men get mad … that’s our right under the law (as long as no one gets hurt)!  But, to b!tch, moan, complain, or generally make a pouty face is not flying.  While its annoying as hell when a woman does this and may be grounds for instant dismissal, it’s expected and understood.  Women can get mad, make all kinds of faces, I wouldn’t even be shocked if she held her breath until her face turned blue (wtf are ya … 5?)  but for a man, it’s … unbecoming.

Touching a stranger of the opposite sex

Ever been in a club, supermarket, or church and just had someone randomly grab or rub your chest, ass, side, or other sensitive area.  If you are a guy, you turned around thinking “who is looking to come home with me!”  If you are a woman, you thought “who is fiting to get stabbed!”  Women can touch, rub, grope, stroke, jerk whatever they want on a man and be well recieved (unless she looks like she got mushed in the face as a baby), but a guy will get stabbed arrested.  Don’t do it to yourself!

Kissing someone of the same sex

I really don’t even feel like wasting time elaborating on this one, but let me make it clear.  Two women kissing = sexy. Two guys kissing = vomit! And I’m not just saying this as a heterosexual male, women have told me they rather see lesbian porn than gay porn.  Two women are just soft, gentle and beautiful.  I’ve never seen two men kiss, but I imagine some weird  fight for dominance.

Talking about masturbation

Just like same sex kissing, with women its this sensual and erotic moment and with guys its just this dirty yet daily act.  Its like comparing a ballet to the dutty wine.  Talk about it around other guys,  “no homo” moment.  If she is talking about methods, toys, shower heads, and time …sexy as f*.

Putting anything in or near your anus

Ok … I’m really not gonna explain this.

I hope this PSA helps your average b!tch ass n***a soft guy.

- SBM aka B* N* Deterrent aka Simp Slayer

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from SBM.

Russell Stay Winnin

Sometime around 11th or 12th grade, as all of my male classmate’s growth began spurting and they became taller than our female compatriots, I came to one of my life’s more important realizations: Height Matters.

I’d always known that height mattered if you wanted to be a professional basketball player or a model or something like that – but those things never really interested me. It wasn’t until my late high school years that I realized that height mattered in a more fundamental way, a way that would actually impact my life.  I could sit around a list all of the advantages being tall might afford an individual, but instead, just think of it like this: If a guy who’s 6’’5’ wants to walk 10 feet he probably has to take three or four steps.  If a guy who’s 5’’8’ wants to walk 10 feet he probably has to take four or five steps. That’s pretty much life for a guy who’s not so tall. What I realized when I came to the realization that height mattered and that I was not going to be a tall person was that if I wanted to have the fullest life I possibly could, if I wanted to have the sort of influence I desired, if I wanted to win the way I think I deserve to win, I needed to buttress my not so tallness with complete and utter awesomeness.  In today’s post I’m going to share with you all some of the things I’ve learned along the way

Look Closely at #3 - Prince Rogers Nelson the GOAT - Think he Cares about his Height?

1) Accept the fact that you’re not tall.

One of the worst things you can do if you’re not a tall person is be self-conscious about your height. If you’re not tall you need to accept that fact and keep it pushing. You also have to accept the fact that people will have no problem pointing out to you the fact that you’re not tall.  A dude who’s not tall can be 35 years old and a woman will have no problem telling him he’s “adorable.” You just gotta eat those. There’s something inherently wrong about making fun of a fat person because they’re fat. Likewise, if a person is universally ugly – by every standard of beauty of the face of the earth, it’s not cool to remind them of that. But if you’re short, it’s perfectly ok for someone to call you an oompaloompa. #LifeIsHard, deal with it. You also need to understand that some women have height preferences. When a woman tells you that she only dates men that are over six feet, you have to be confident enough in yourself to look her in her eyes and tell her that she’s totally entitled to that preference and that you make it a point to avoid dating women who prefer to date men who are over six feet.

Being a World Class Chef Makes Height Irrelevant ... Marcus Samuelsson FTW

2) Be Interesting

If you’re not tall, you can’t be lame. There’s nothing worse than being corny and short. Instead be a renaissance man. You need to always be reading a book and always have a new hobby you’re in the middle of developing. You should try to stay up on on the latest happenings in the areas of music, fashion, art and politics and you should be able to convert that knowledge into interesting conversation. Nobody cares if the 6’3’’ dude that just walked in the spot can explain in adult English why we needed to raise the debt ceiling, everyone is too mesmerized by the fact that he had to duck to walk through the doorway. But you and your 5’7’’ self, nobody even noticed when you walked in so when it’s your turn to speak, you need to be Obama. I don’t mean 2011, compromise on everything, Obama, I mean spring 2008 “so what my pastor is racist, you still love me” Obama. Your references and taste should be impeccable. You need to be able to lead a conversation seamlessly from Tolstoy to Tyler the Creator without missing a beat and without sounding pretentious. Because evolution and genetics did all the work in developing the tall man physically- personal internal development on his part is beneficial but not always necessary. The not so tall man needs to make it a point to continuously strive to make himself the best possible person he can be if he plans to win at life.

Sharp

3) Develop your sense of style and keep yourself immaculately groomed.

When you’re not tall you have to be really careful about what you decide to wear. I never got down with the whole baggy clothes phenomenon because oversized clothing makes a not tall man look like a kid playing dress up in his dad’s closet. You also have to be wary of some today’s more current trends. Right now for men, the trend seems to lean toward this semi-couture/semi-urban I care but don’t care sorta look. I blame Kanye.  Thing is, when you’re not tall, dressing like Kanye is not a good look. Wait, let’s be clear – at this point dressing like Yeezy isn’t a good look for anyone, but when you’re not tall somehow, super trendy is easily mistaken for effeminate.  Being short and trendy when you’re a guy is like when a girl is tall and only wears sweat pants and t-shirts. You kinda just assume they play for the other team. Develop your own sense of style. Familiarize yourself with the classics and borrow a few of the more current trends to accentuate the look.

4)Understand the Concept of Home Games and Away Games

It Works if You're T.I.

Home field advantage doesn’t only exist in the realm of sports- there are practical advantages to understanding the difference between a home game and an away game. As it relates to those of us who aren’t tall, you need to understand that certain environments will rarely be conducive to success for you. A perfect example is a club. I have a friend who’s about 6’’3’, 215 lbs. To whit, he’s a handsome dude who’s brown enough to not be light, but light enough to pass the brown paper bag test. When he walks into the club, women don’t just want to sleep with him, they want to procreate with him. They don’t just fantasize about having mind blowing sex with him, they fantasize about mixing gene pools with him. That’s not what women see when they see a not so tall guy in the club. That’s why the club scene, for guys who aren’t tall, will forever be an away game.

Also, women always make it a point to wear their highest heeled shoes when they go out to the club which makes it seem like every chick in the spot is amazonian. Next, if the club is crowded, you might as well be Stevie Wonder. It gets really annoying when your boy keeps trying to point out an attractive woman across the room and all you can see are the shoulders of the four guys in front of you. Besides that, it’s really awkward when that attractive woman starts throwing it back at you as you’re dancing and her a** keeps landing in your stomach area, knocking the wind out of you. It’s just really, really awkward, seriously. Most importantly, the club is a loss for the not so tall man because the loudness of the music mitigates your best asset … your words. You’ve spent all this time developing yourself, making yourself the best conversationalist on the planet but it’s all worth naught because it’s too loud to talk to anyone. The club is an away game. Home games include BBQ’s, Dinners, Lounges and certain house parties.

Look, the purpose of this post isn’t to say that guys who aren’t tall are handicapped or seriously disadvantaged. We don’t need to pass around the collection plate for the vertically challenged.  Truthfully, everyone – regardless of height -  should work on developing themselves in the aforementioned ways. But for the man who’s not very tall, working on these areas will help even the playing field between you and all the nephilim descended folks you might find yourself competing against.  So fellas, especially those of you under 5’9” – do you think your height has had a positive or negative impact on your life – particularly your love life. Has a woman ever told you that you were too short for her? For my tall dudes out there… why are y’all so corny? Just kidding … sort of … No shots though.  Ladies, if you were a ride at a theme park, what height would be the minimum? Where does height fall on your list of desired attributes in a potential mate?

Lastly, quick admin note: For the time being, the homey CEO Slim Jackson is going to be alternating on Thursdays with our comrade Wisdom Is Misery. I’m rocking out on Mondays … gotta keep yall on your toes.

As always… stay low and keep firing…

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

Somehow, We Always Come Out Of the Woodwork

We’ve all been there. We’ve all had relationships that felt great, that met our needs at the time, that made us feel fulfilled and happy, but also ended so horribly that the idea of post-breakup communication was out of the question. Then, months, or years later, something happens. It’s almost inevitable.  Because we men are creatures of habit and because we can’t let you women just move on, there’s a good chance that at some point we pop up and try to reinsert ourselves into your lives.  We do damage, leave …  and then we reappear.

Any good detective will tell you that criminals who are guilty can’t help but return to the scene of the crime; neither can we. When we know we’ve done wrong it’s in our nature to reappear for a number of reasons.

Sometimes we want to show you that we’ve changed, and are better people.

In this case, because we’re not trying to get back together with the woman, this is a ridiculously selfish reason to come back into her life. The guilt of what we’ve done is so affecting that we want you to know that we aren’t really that person any longer or that we never really were that person. We want you to see us for who we are and to know that we’re not the douche-bag we pretended to be when we were with you. In reality, we’re really great people – really – we are – our current girlfriends can attest – we really have changed. I’m sure that makes you guys feel great – knowing that you were the only person capable of bringing out the worst in us. Knowing that we’re not really interested in what you had to go through to heal or in knowing how you’ve moved on, all we want is to be able to sleep peacefully at night knowing that you know it wasn’t us now, it was us at that time in our lives or, it wasn’t us at all, it was you (don’t worry we forgive you). Or it wasn’t us, nor was it you, it was just the ‘we’, that brought that out. Either way, if this is why we’re reappearing, it’s probably best if we just stay gone.

Sometimes we want to see whether or not you’ve changed.

Contrary to popular belief, we men are human. We do catch the vapors every once in awhile. The only thing better than meeting an awesome new woman is meeting an old girlfriend who now seems way more awesome than she was when you were with her. I’m sure social networking sites like facebook go a long way in exacerbating this. An old flame uploads new pictures and, voila, her phone turns into the “hey, it’s me, it’s been a minute…” hotline. When we’re interested in getting to know the new you our interest is not genuine. It’s more of a novelty. We want to prove to ourselves, and to you, that we didn’t make a mistake the first time around. That you’re not really that different, that the thing about you that always annoyed us is still there just below the glossy airbrushed surface of your new professionally taken profile pic. We want to find out whether you’ve been doing hella squats and that’s all you back there or whether that’s just an awesome camera angle. We want to know if that nonchalant confidence you exuded when you jetted off after briefly chatting with us when we bumped into you on the street was actually real confidence or the product of many-a-night spent practicing everything you’d say and do should you happen to randomly run into us somewhere. Again, if this is why we’re coming back, it’s selfish and we might as well stay gone.

Sometimes we’re just being manipulative.

Here’s a secret about some of us men I probably shouldn’t be telling. Sometimes, we just want control. Many of us went through a period in our lives where our most valuable talent was our ability to exert an unhealthy amount of control over the women we were dealing with. The thing about having that sort of control is that it makes it impossible to build any sort of lasting relationship. If we can control you, we can’t respect you. We can pretend to, but, in reality we don’t. The two things women reading this should take from this point are:

1) Never let a man have full control over you unless that man has married you.

2) If a man who once had that sort of control over you reappears, we probably just want to see if we still have it.

Be honest with yourself. If you’re unsure of whether or not you really are free, then when we come back, you need to run. Just run. Don’t be embarrassed, don’t try to prove to us that you’re free, just run the other way because you’re about to go through that same thing you went through all that time ago. I wish we weren’t this way, but sometimes, some of us are.

Sometimes, we realize what we’ve lost and are ready to be whatever we need to be to get it back.

Of all of the reasons a man might reappear, this is the most rare. Sometimes, without us really realizing, a woman can carve out a perfectly round little space in our hearts and lives. We leave her, thinking she’ll be the only one who experiences any loss, but, really, we lose too. Try as we may to fill that spot she left with the square pegs of another woman or of other women, there’s always a certain amount of emptiness that remains. And maybe one day we wake up and decide we’re going to give it another go. All we can do is reappear and hope our spot is still reserved.

Some say “all’s fair in love and war” and I agree to a certain extent, however, the fact that all is fair, doesn’t always mean all is right. As men, I think we sometimes have to take responsibility for the damage we’ve done and respect the fact that our women are entitled to rebuild themselves in whatever way they see fit.  We also have to be responsible about how we decide to return to their lives. We have to think about whether we are returning because we think we can ‘help’ them, whether we’re returning because of our own selfish motives, or whether we’re returning because we think there might be a real chance at a lasting “we” this time.

Fellas, have you ever popped back into the life of a woman you’d been with previously? How did things turn out the first time and how did things turn out the second time around? Ladies, have you experienced any of the above scenarios, or maybe one I’ve missed?  How do you approach rekindling old flames?  As always, feel free to over-share in the comments.

Lastly, I want to thank everyone for downloading my novella Secrets Discovered In Memoriam. The feedback has been amazing and I truly appreciate you all. If you’ve emailed me sharing your thoughts, and I haven’t got back to you, don’t worry, soon come. If you haven’t downloaded it yet, you can check it out here: Secrets Discovered In Memoriam (right click -> open new window).

The summer’s bout to get hot, when it does, you know what to do… stay low and keep firing…

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

A man asks for his space and now it's the silent treatment.

I had just finished dropping some groceries off at my grandmother’s house when I said in frustration, “I actually have to get going because I got a million errands to run today, I’m about to take my phone home and leave it there.”  The only part that was frustration was the fact that I didn’t have a million errands, probably had closer to like four.  The problem with those errands is they had nothing to do with me.  But sensing that frustration my grandmother responded, “OK, I’ll let your mother know.”  Funny right?  My family actually has gotten used to all the things that I do to assert my independence and privacy.  Would you have realistically ever thought that in 2011 a person with no house phone or “black” phone would be able to get away with leaving their phone home on a Saturday?

Go Dr. J:

A few things about me; I’m an only child, and although I love the company of other people, outside of hanging out with those people who I can truly be myself with (and that’s only two people), I love my personal time a lot more.  I could give you tons of reasons why I am the way I am, but I thought that would be too cliché, so I thought it would be more thought-provoking to talk about the need to take personal time in certain situations.

With Family – This may surprise some, but being an only child typically means that it’s always you and your family.  Well, the complicating factor is that I’m the only man in my immediate family.  Most of the women in my family are divorced or their husbands have passed.  This can be overwhelming because you end up being the man in all of their lives.  Therefore, from time to time, I feel the need to get away from all of it and just spend time away from the pressures of being the husband, son and handyman of about twelve women.  

With Friends – As an only child I’ve learned that you are expected to be social when around people.  This is probably why I enjoy being around strangers so much.  It’s the perfect opportunity to just stop and be quiet for a while.  I love to take advantage of that time, but when I’m with my friends they tend to look to me for excitement.  Honestly, in real life I’m much more reserved and tend to take breaks from hanging out with friends to spend time alone being me.  

With Coworkers – Coworkers are NOSY as hell.  I know that everyone means well, but they will nag you on end for details about your personal life.  I know that they don’t have a problem sharing information about their marriages, homes or children, but I need to keep them at a distance from that part of my life.  Funny story, my fake baby mother at work came to me one day and said, “Ladies at work are starting to wonder things because you don’t talk to any of them.”  Actually one of them started this rumor because I literally just did not want to hang out with a female coworker outside of work, but she was convinced we should “hang” out.  Anyway, I responded, “Let them, they don’t need to be that close to me.”  I’ll probably never understand why people spend every day from 9-5 with you and then turn around and want to spend more time with you. 

With Routine – Routine is a double edged sword.  Many people probably sleep on the same side of the bed each night, they probably roll out of the same side too.  Most people have their ways and they are stuck in them.  But you will become too monotonous if you never take a break from your routine.  My mother has the exact same ritual every day when she comes home.  She picks up the mail, goes into the kitchen, rinses out her water bottle, sits down at the kitchen table and starts going through mail.  As a kid, I started messing with her by putting the mail in random places to see if she would open it elsewhere.  She never did though, I could put that mail on the moon and she’d bring it back to the kitchen table.  I just couldn’t imagine going through years of my life doing the same thing every day.  At times, I go a different way to work or leave my cell phone at home, just to avoid routine. 

I got to run — Most, come alive in the summertime!

Most:

Besides all of the above, one of the biggest ways in which Only Child Syndrome effects people is when it comes to romantic relationships. When it comes to romantic relationships, being an only child can dictate a great deal. My experience is similar to Jax’s except, I’m not an only child, I just grew up as one. Like him, I grew up around a bunch of women, and like him, I was the primary male in their lives. There are a couple positives that came from this unique set of circumstances:

Maturity – When you’ve grown up an only child you have an increased ability to listen and understand what people need. As an only child, particularly if, like Jax and I, you’re surrounded by women, you get lots of attention from the adults around you. Instead of always being treating as one of the kids, you eventually get to the point where the adults accept you as one of them. They share with you things adults wouldn’t normally share with children and you gain a certain sense of maturity not typically ascribed to those of your peer group. 

Self-Sufficiency – When you’re an only child, a great deal of your time is spent alone, so you become an expert at entertaining yourself. I remember sitting up in my room as a child creating whole worlds of fantasy. I had an immaculate toy collection that included 12 inch versions of each of the X-Men and the primary X-Men villains. You can’t imagine the mutant universe I created. The comic book plots I acted out … I’m getting on a tangent. The point is, being an only child I was forced to learn to enjoy quiet moments spent with myself. I was forced to think outside of the box and I was forced to solve problems on my own.  This can be great in relationships because your happiness is never dependent on your partner. 

The other side of the coin is that sometimes, being an only child can be a bit damaging. For example: 

My way or the highway – As kids, your parent’s pretty much rule the world, there are very few decisions you really get to make on your own. But, when you’re an only child and those rare situations arise, you get to make those decisions without having to consider the feelings or desires of anyone else. Over time, you kinda get used to that and it can be a difficult adjustment when in a relationship. The idea of considering someone else in your decision making is often foreign to an only child. (Dr. J – This leads many only children to be leaders in their environments.  If you’ve ever seen Godfather II, watch the way Michael Corleone was raised, he was practically an only child.)

Please – leave me alone! – When my wife comes home from work, she tells me about her day. When I say she tells me about her day, I mean, she walks me through each and every event that took place from the moment she walked out the house. Her day and the amount she wants to talk have a correlative relationship. The worse her day, the more she wants the talk. She’s a twin – makes sense. Me, it’s the opposite. If I had a really really bad day, I don’t want a hug, I don’t want consoling, all I want is for you to leave me alone. Some of this is just personality differences, but a big part of it is born out of being an only child. As an only child, I always had to work though my own issues. The adults were too busy being adults to worry about my kid problems as a result … I needs my space – unless you’re trying to crush. In which case, an exception can be made. But after we’re done, gimme my space back – I’m still stressed and need to think things through.  (Dr. J - *waves church fan*)

SBM Fam, are you an only child? What are some of the more interesting aspects of your personality you directly attribute to the fact that you have no siblings? If you’re not an only child, have you ever dealt with one? What kind of impact did their upbringing have on the relationship? 

NBA finals are over … kinda sucks. Difference between Lebron and Dirk: when sh*t got hot and it didn’t look like he could win with squad that drafted him, Lebron took his talents to South Beach. Dirk, well, Dirk did what you’re supposed to do when the drama pops off… 

stay low and keep firing. 

Young Dr. J baby… and Lower Frequency… SB Money!

If you’re in DC this Friday and Saturday, (June 17^th and 18^th), I want you to check out something.  “Sketches of a Man” is a collection of Monologues featuring 7 different men who have experienced a major event in their lives and how they were forever changed. These are their stories…stories of Love, Passion, and Vengeance!

Dacron, the ladies man who learns the hard way that Karma is real! Nigel, who plots the ultimate revenge! What will he do when given the opportunity?  On that historic day that changed the world, Thaddeus made a decision that put him on a journey to the unknown. A lost and tortured soul, Mason suffered a horrific ordeal as a child and lived to tell about it! A loving father, Xavier turns tragedy into triumph and learns to help others along the way. Corey is pure evil – but he wasn’t always. Find out what changed this boy next door into a monster! And finally Dexter; successful, handsome…he has it all. He will do whatever it takes to maintain the perfect image!

I’ll be there on Friday, get your tickets here: http://www.eventbrite.com/event/1499257319

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

One of the more interesting things I’ve noticed over the past few years has been the particular set of struggles and tribulations experienced by women whose moral code is the most influencing factor in their love life. These are women who desire romantic connections as deeply as anyone else but who also have a strict set of values they are trying desperately not to compromise in fulfilling those desires. It’s what I like to call “The Good Girl Dilemma.”

Good Girls can generally be split into four different categories – each with their own particular set of issues. In today’s post I want to take a look at the four and offer some advice for being or dealing with each.

1) The Angel

Typically, the Angel is someone who grew up in a religious household and therefore put their relationship with God before their relationship with anything else. Angels are beautiful. They are attractive for a number of reasons. First, it says something about their character that they are able to remain true to their core beliefs in the face of all the temptation that exists in the world. Also, the fact that Angels have very little relationship experience usually means they’re not completely jaded and disillusioned when it comes to men. They still believe in things like trust, fidelity, love’s ability to overcome and all that other awesomeness women lose sight of after male mistreatment. Angels also have their own issues that can make things difficult. Sometimes Angels can have trouble understanding the shortcomings of those less sanctified. Many people find faith, or a moral code later on in their life. The lives they’ve lived prior to that discovery may be filled with all manner of sin and debauchery. Some Angels just can’t accept this and that lack of acceptance can hinder relationships. Also, Angel’s inexperience in relationships may mean a lack of emotional and sexual maturity when in a relationship. If you’ve been in a few healthy relationships you learn how men and women communicate with each other what works, what doesn’t and how to make a relationship work. Saints can sometimes be clueless on this front. They can also be clueless in the bedroom which can lead to a whole other bag of issues.

2) The Teeterer

The Teeterer is the woman who’s spent much of her life as an Angel, but is at a point where the loneliness and perceived hopelessness of her romantic situation are causing her to question the things she’s always known. I have a deep empathy for women reaching this point. You spend your whole life believing that if you do the right things and be the right person, eventually your soulmate will find his way to you. The truth is, in today’s society, that doesn’t always happen. When you see yourself rounding the corner of your late twenties and staring your 30′s in the eyes, but you still have the same amount of relationship experience that you had when you were 17, you might begin to have a bit of a crisis of faith. When every guy you’ve ever had any feelings for tells you “you’re too good for him” or “he doesn’t want to hurt you” or “he’s just not ready for someone like you” it can be a little disheartening. Especially if you’re watching all of your friends who are less morally inclined fall in love, or at the very least, have fun being single. At some point the Teeterer is always tested, maybe it’s a guy at work they like, or maybe it’s a guy from their past who reappears, or maybe it’s just a guy the meet in a club during a moment of weakness, at some point a test will come and how she responds will dictate a big part of the rest of her life.  If you’re a woman at this point remember that you are best at being you. You’re not going to be good at being someone else, so no matter how green the grass looks on the other side of the fence, be yourself. If you’re dealing with a woman at this point – know what you are and aren’t willing to give her from jump. Be man enough to let her know, early on, if you’re not what she’s looking for.

3) The Good Girl Gone Bad

“But once a good girl’s gone bad, she’s gone forever.”  This isn’t entirely true, but there’s some truth to it. Sometimes a Teeterer will fall and find herself in a relationship she knows she shouldn’t be in or doing things she knows she shouldn’t be doing. When this happens, sometimes she’s able to summon her inner strength and fortitude and go back to being the woman she expects herself to be, and other times the rabbit hole is just too deep. Sometimes, she falls all the way in and the person she once knew may never be seen again. There’s no more tumultuous time in a human’s life than when a good girl decides to go bad. When a woman loses sight of or rejects the moral code with which she’s previously lived her life, all hell breaks loose and the outcomes are completely unpredictable and sometimes pretty sad. There’s lots of anger, sadness and guilt and those emotions express themselves in a myriad of ways.  If you’re dealing with a good girl gone bad, you need to understand that who she is now isn’t who she always was nor is it who she always will be. Contrary to popular belief, good girls gone bad often find their way home so it’s important to realize that you may not know or like the person they eventually become. You have to understand that you’re dealing with a woman in transition and relationships built during major life transitions rarely work. If you’re a good girl gone bad my only advice is that you protect yourself in all ways, and be self aware. Don’t just act, take the time to decide what you are willing to do and what you’re not willing to do based on whatever morality you’re currently living your life by. You don’t have to be who you were, but at least maintain a standard.

4) The Bad Girl Gone Good.

“They say you can’t turn a bad girl good…” This too, is not entirely true. I’ve seen women change. And by change I mean, I’ve seen women go from living lives where what they will and won’t do is situational, to living lives where what they will and won’t do is decided by a value system strengthened way before any particular situation arises. It can happen, but it usually takes an extraordinary set of circumstances so dealing with this type woman means understanding and accepting those circumstances. If you’re dealing with a bad girl gone good, you have to understand that she’s probably seen a lot and experienced a lot as is therefore going to have a very low tolerance for male mischievousness.  You never know how much of herself she had to cauterize to make the changes she wanted to make, so her opening up to you- if she ever does- is a big deal. It’s a responsibility you need to know you’re accepting when you pursue a relationship with her. On the flip side, bad girls gone good make awesome people to be with if they’ve fully made the transition over to the good side. The know all of the bad girl tricks we men come to love but they now reserve them for you and only you.

Good girls, whether they were born good and remained, whether they fell and got back up, or whether they were born bad and became good are an interesting set of women to get to know and explore. Ladies, do you find yourself sitting in one of the categories above? What has your experience been like? Fellas, ever dealt with a good girl – what was that like? What have I missed. Feel free to over share in the comments.

Lastly, it looks like summer is coming early this year. When it gets hot the goons come out so always keep your eyes open, your head on a swivel and if it pops off …

Stay Low and Keep Firing.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

I think I might be able to do this forever

The most common question I’m asked by my single friends is: “How did you know that she was the one?” This is the holy grail of questions when it comes to choosing to settle down with a woman and, not surprisingly, the answer is not so simple. In today’s post I want to talk about some of the things I realized throughout the course of my relationship that helped me to know, with absolute certainty, that the woman I was with was the woman I should be marrying.

There are so many factors that go into determining whether or not the person you’re with is the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with. It’s not a decision that should be taken lightly, or that should be done without a considerable about of thought and internal preparation. For me, it boiled down to a number of factors that, overtime, made the next steps of our relationship quite clear. Here are a few of the more important ones.

She Held My Attention

As single person, it was extremely difficult to find a woman who could keep me interested for more than a couple months. I met some really great women in my single years, but, for some reason, no matter what, once I got to the point where I’d learned everything there was to know about that person, I lost interest.  With my wife, even after I’d learned all about all of the different things she’d experienced in her life, after she’d shared all of her memories and all of the different influences she’d had – I still wanted to spend time with her. I wanted to make new experiences and new memories. My inability to shake my interest in her was one of the early signs that she might be the one.

She Prioritized Me Accurately Throughout Each Stage of Our Relationship

As you all know, I think I’m pretty awesome and as a single guy, I was accustomed to the women I was interested in agreeing with me about my awesomeness. While, I think MrsMost always agreed with me in that regard, she never allowed her interest in me to trump her interest in other things that were of more importance to her. She would not cancel dates with her friends to spend time with me at my whim or put me before anything she had committed to prior to our being together.  With each step in the gradual progression of our relationship – from courting, to dating, to together, to engaged, to married the fact that we both managed to accurately prioritize one another helped me to understand that that this was someone who would know how to prioritize all of the varying needs we’d have throughout the course of our lives together – from being husband and wife, to being parents.

Grandmoms Liked Her

This might sound a little crazy but, I think grandmothers have a sixth sense when it comes to gauging the long term compatibility of the women their grandsons bring home. I think this was especially true with my grandmother since I’d been raised by her and my aunt.  Some guys only bring home the women they think are special. Not me. I used to bring all of the women I dealt with home to meet grandmoms.  My wife was, by far, her favorite. She could sense, even in the earliest stages of the relationship, that this might be it. I’m not usually one who cares about the approval of others, but knowing my grandmother thought my wife was different from all the rest meant a lot.

The Mental Picture of My Future Changed

As we travel through life we always have a mental picture of what our future will look like. We look out five, ten, fifteen and sometimes even twenty or thirty years into our future and contemplate what our little worlds will look like. When I was single, I’d look out in to my future and see myself single throughout my mid-twenties, married and enjoying life in my late twenties and early 30′s, a parent in my 30′s and a grandparent somewhere in my 60′s. In all that projecting, the person I projected by my side was always some beautiful phantom of a woman whose face I could never quite discern because I had yet to meet her. Somewhere along the line in my relationship with MrsMost that all changed. When I imagined my future life, the face of the beautiful woman standing next to me in both my immediate and long term future was clear.  It was her, and there was nothing I could do to shake that.

I Prayed

Once I really started to contemplate retiring my jersey, I prayed. Every single day from the day I thought about getting the ring, till the day I said “I do” I asked God to take her out of my life if we weren’t supposed to be married. I prayed extra hard while we were engaged because we had the worst arguments we’d ever had to date during that time. Thankfully, he answered my prayers by keeping us together and here we are what seems like a lifetime later.

So, how do you know when someone is the one? I guess it’s different for everyone. There may not be one particular moment where you just decide that this person is it. I guess it all comes down to the cumulative moments of epiphany you have throughout the course of your time with a person where you realize that what your lives were before won’t be the same as your lives after. SBM readers, where do you guys stand on all of this? Single dudes, have you ever been with a woman and contemplated next steps and turned the other way? What made you realize she wasn’t the one – or, was she the one, and you just got shook? Single ladies, how do you guys go about deciding whether someone might be the one? And for those of you engaged or married – what moments of epiphany lead you down the aisle? As always – feel free to over share in our comments section.

Lastly, Raise your hand if your in DC this weekend (raises hand)!

Stay Low and Keep Firing.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

It’s probably not a good idea as a relationship blogger to admit this, but there are a few things I just don’t get about men. Why they lie about the dumbest things, why they seem to love crazy girls, and why they always come slithering out of their holes after they’ve left you. But if there’s one thing I do know about men it’s this: they don’t like to feel like as$holes.

Men will do all manner of dumb and hurtful shyt in order to avoid this feeling of as$hole-ness. Which of course just results in them being an even bigger a$shole, but they don’t get that because men don’t understand the basic concept of being cruel to be kind.  But being cruel to be kind is very simple.; it just means that sometimes you have to suck it up and do or say something a little mean for the ultimate benefit of someone else.

I can picture you all screwing up your faces at me right now so please allow me to illustrate some of the times where being an as$hole is the nice thing to do:

1. After a bad first date, first phone call or first thronx.

Sometimes we meet someone, we think we’re clicking and decide to take it a step further only to discover that this person is a no-go. It happens to the best of us and there’s nothing wrong with that. The problem is though that too many men are ending these first encounters with “I’ll call you” knowing good and damn well they will not. Now I know it makes you feel like a bad guy to end a first date with a simple “Thanks it was fun” or “Get home safely” but it really just makes things easier for all concerned. Saying “I’ll call you” when you know you have no intention of doing so just fills the woman with hope…the pathetic and desperate type of hope that is gonna make her call you when you don’t call her, or “just happen to be passing by” your favourite sports bar on Sunday. So just spare yourself the aggravation and save “I’ll call you” for circumstances in which you actually do intend to call.

2. When you don’t want to see her anymore.

I ranted about this on my blog a few times but it bears repeating because it’s a pretty common example of where some men go wrong. Many men seem to think that when they lose interest in a woman or want to break up with her, the kinder thing to do is to slowly drift out of her life without discussing it with her. Or to instantly vanish without discussing it with her. Or write her an email letting her know they’re done without discussing it with her. Notice a trend here? It seems there are a whole bunch of men roaming the earth thinking that it would be “mean” of them to tell a woman why she no longer interests him, so they just take off and leave her hanging. Yeah no. It doesn’t work that way my loves. What happens when you don’t explain things to a woman is that she wastes countless hours trying to figure out what went wrong. And if she can’t get past it she will likely take out her frustration on the next poor simp who tries to date her. So suck it up and do both the woman and your fellow man a favour – explain yourself before you bounce.

3. Post-break up

A wise man once told me that “a gentleman when he decides he doesn’t want to be with a woman breaks up with her and doesn’t call again”. This is a prime example of a circumstance in which a man’s “kindness” hurts a woman more than it helps her. I mean it’s not that I can’t understand the crappy feeling of knowing that someone you once or still care for is hurting because you left them, but continuing to call them “just to check on them”, entertaining their pathetic pleas for help (a woman who is trying to get a man back will always pull the “I need your help” #swindle) and throwing one in her for old time’s sake because she needs closure are all d!ck moves. They may make you feel better by soothing your guilt, but they confuse the woman and make it harder for her to get over you and move on with her life. Or maybe that’s why you do it?

I know that doing something you don’t want to do to benefit someone who is no longer granting you p*ssy privileges you no longer want to be involved with seems backwards to men, but it really is for the greater good. For one thing, telling a woman unequivocally that you don’t want to be with her will usually shame her into no longer contacting you; therefore freeing up your phone line and email inbox for your next victim woman. Plus women like to talk and having a reputation as a f*ck ‘em and chuck ‘em without a backward glance type of man is only going to make getting new p*ssy that much harder. So do that girl and yourself a favour and be a bit of an as$hole when the situation warrants it.

What do you guys think? Do you see the benefit of being cruel to be kind or am I talking sh!t here?

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Max.