If you’re a man like me, you’ve known this woman.  You’ve bought her drinks at the bar, she’s sat across the table from you on dates, and she’s laid next to you in bed. She’s been a lover, a significant other, a friend with benefits.  She’s perfect, possessed with everything you might ever desire in a long term partner and potential wife.  If you’re a man like me, at some point in your life you’ve been with a woman who you could have married but did not. As men, sometimes we need to sit back and reflect on the women we’ve known and why these relationships with seemingly perfect people didn’t work out.

We fell apart, the bond was broken, should’ve kept our thoughts between ourselves. And though they say they cared, they didn’t help. Makes me wonder, should we blame ourselves?

One of the most unpredictable aspects of love is chemistry. We love to think that when two perfect people get together, the perfect relationship is inevitable. Unfortunately, love often has other ideas. No amount of individual perfection can overshadow bad chemistry; sometimes two souls can’t help but repel each other. On paper it made sense, to all of your friends it made sense, but when faced with the prospect of spending forever with this seemingly perfect woman, you knew it wouldn’t work. No matter how hard you tried you were never going to be able to develop an emotional attachment strong enough to pass the test of time.

What makes these situations difficult is that as men, we often attach a greater value to chemistry than do women. For us, chemistry is near the top of the list of things we expect out of long term mates. No matter how ambitious and intelligent she is, no matter how loving she is, no matter how beautiful she is, if we don’t click, we won’t consider spending forever with her. We may loiter in her life for a while, but when it comes down to it, we know we’ll never commit long term. Women, it seems, are different. For a great many women, bad chemistry doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. It’s something that can be worked around if everything else is securely in place.

Lyric: Jason, I am trying to love you, but I don’t want my heart broken. But that’s exactly what you’re gonna do if you keep trying to save a brother that don’t want to be saved! 

In order for any situation to work there must be an alignment of two people at the right time and the right place.  The right place does not necessarily mean physically, but more often than not, it means mentally.  Women are likely to drop everything they are doing and make the relationship work.  They may have dreams of greatness but they set aside their goals for their men when they are under the impression that they’ve found a lifetime companion.

For men, life’s responsibilities almost always supersede relationships.  We sometimes prioritize things differently than women, and are rarely thrown off.  As men, we have plans and we plan on seeing them through.  And isn’t that what’s attractive about the choice picks of our gender, the ability to both conceptualize and execute?  It’s never crossed my mind that perhaps I’m letting my present situation affect my future happiness. I’m always convinced that when I’m ready, I’ll be able to find the right woman. I do not know if most women think this way. From my perspective, it seems like the ladies are way more willing to set aside personal goals and personal ambition if they’ve found a man they deem worthy of such sacrifice.

“Know when to leave when the heat is coming, I learned that.  This is where DeNiro would be if he ain’t turn back.”

In Michael Mann’s classic caper flick Heat, Robert DeNiro’s character is a pursued bank robber with but two more steps to take to reach freedom. Instead of waking away, he decides to turn back to go after his love. It doesn’t end well, hence the above referenced Jay-Z lyric. As strange as it might sound, the willingness to walkaway from a bad situation, no matter the consequences, is not only applicable to career criminals, but also to two individuals in love.  I have friends who’ve had on again off again relationships with women they’ve known since college. In their minds, when they finally decide to settle down, she’ll be the one they settle down with. The problem is while we may have ideas around the how of when we’ll settle down with these women, we rarely consider their plans. We just expect our women to understand and to go along with us as if there’s some tacit agreement. We figure we’ll be ready to settle sometime between 30 and 35. Never mind the fact that she’d always dreamed of being married by 25.

This is where the willingness to walk away becomes paramount. If we’ve both communicated our plans, and neither of us are willing to compromise or budge, we both need to be willing to walk away – no matter how perfect for each other we might be and no matter how much love might exist between the two of us. You never know, sometimes one individual showing they have the will to step back from a situation that isn’t to their long term benefit can inspire the other to meet halfway and make the relationship work.

Most, if not, all of my relationships are birthed out of the thought that something substantial could come of them.  It may not have been marriage, because not every relationship must end in marriage. But no matter how perfect the relationship could have been and no matter how difficult the break up, there’s always something to be learned. As men, we reserve the right to not marry a woman, or give her the relationship she desires, if we know it’s not sustainable. That’s the hardest part about being a decent man and it’s also the hardest thing to accept for women who have everything to offer.  They did everything right and ended up with nothing. Sometimes, that’s the way love goes.

Have you ever had the perfect relationship fail because of chemistry, bad timing or your unwillingness to walk away? What happened when perfection failed?

- Dr. J

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

You Just Lost One...

I swear I wasn’t looking for trouble…

It was Sunday, and I was recovering from the community service I performed from the prior evening, helping young women mitigate the cost of heir higher education. I checked on Twitter to see what the morning conversation was about. I saw a young lady’s tweet appear across my timeline that took me aback and gave me pause. She said the following:

“I didn’t realize it was that many people over 30 with no kids & not married… Y’all losing and I’m sorry to say it.”

Blank.F*cking.Stare!!

There are so many things wrong with this statement that I had a hard time responding to her directly. The bored and playful Streetz wanted to turn her mentions into Chernobyl. The intellectual [name redacted] wanted to really pick her brain and understand where she was coming from, while giving my own perspective on her comment. I won’t go into the crux of the conversation, you can check out my twitter feed search Streetztalk 30 you should find it. Although she made the statement blanket for both men and women, in subsequent comments, she singled out women. So let me speak from that perspective.

First of all, this isn’t the 1920’s anymore. I would like to think that women aspire for more than just a family and kids in 2011. To say that women 30+ with no kids or spouses are losing, means that marriage and kids are the end all be all for a women’s happiness. This thought process is both antiquated and chauvinistic.  How many women do we know who are career women? Those career opportunities were few and far between a century ago, so naturally women were all expected to be homemakers. In this century, women have more than housewife dreams (in general). They are leading corporate America, graduating from college at a way higher clip than men (and black graduation rates between men and women are even worse), and are happy contrary to popular belief. of course, culturally, they will feel the normal pressure of the holiday dinner interrogations about when they will be married, but God forbid we
stop touting the “many problems” that women have without looking at the big picture.

Thought processes which state that women are lonely without marriage or kids, is one of the reason why we have so many single moms, deadbeat dads, and failed marriages in this country! I’ve said countless times that too many people marry and have kids because it projects a false sense of happiness and stability. I’m all for marriage, and hope to have Young Streetzies myself one day, but I won’t do either because I’m “lonely” and a “loser”. I’ll do both when the time is right. How many women do we know who stay with a bum ass dude because “she loves him” or “she’s hoping he’ll act right one day”. They will even take a ring from a man whom they know aint sh*t, just because they feel pressure of their age and time slipping away. just because a cheating, lying, or abusive dude pops the question, doesn’t mean that he still won’t have chicks poppin their coochie for him after the wedding too! How many times have we heard “trap stories” about women who purposely get pregnant to keep a man? I think time has taught us that this never works. I don’t care if things are bad dating wise, and you feel lonely, just getting with someone for the sake of, is ridiculous. With all of our technological advances, and people living longer, the pressure of meeting those social requirements aren’t as strong. They are only amplified by those people who are lacking something in their lives and filling that void with marriage and children.

People measure happiness many different ways. being married and having kids is definitely one of them. I have a problem when you quantify another person’s happiness by their relationship status, based off of your own. The woman who sent that tweet was 27 with a kid and her dude just popped the question (which is why she was probably so hyped). She explained that she had a lot going for her, and wasn’t just desperate for marriage. that’s cool, but I could also argue that it’s mad lonely to tweet things like that, because obviously she felt a certain way prior to her man’s proposal. What if that marriage doesn’t work out? Does that mean that she is a failure or prove a sense of loneliness on her part?

I have my days when I’m down, and I question my successes and failures. That doesn’t make me lonely. That makes me HUMAN! let’s be careful how we measure happiness. When you try to manufacture happiness through marriage and children, you are doing nothing more than putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. Be happy if those aspects of your life are flourishing, but don’t exhibit hubris  by inferring that if others haven’t experiences your happiness by 30, than they lost. Oprah isn’t married or with kids, is she really losing? Please…

Discuss at your leisure,

StreetZ

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Streetz.

Not every post's pic has to feature black people!

I recently watched the movie, She’s Out of My League. It’s actually pretty good. I will qualify that compliment with the fact that I began watching it with the lowest of expectations, so you may want to keep that in mind. At one point in the movie, the characters break down the spread one has to cover in order to get with someone “out of your league.”

Stainer: Okay, anyway… I love Kirky, but let’s face it, the guy’s a five.
Devon: Stainer, that’s just a dirty pool. He’s at least a six.
Stainer: A six? Alright you go ahead and pump rainbows into his @-hole. I’m just being honest.
Jack: Come on, cut him some slack. Look. Half a point cause he’s a nice guy. Right? And he’s funny, so that’s half a point each. That brings him to six.
Stainer: But he drives a sh*tbox, deduct a point. Take a point off.
Kirk: Wait, what’s wrong with my Neon?
Stainer: Oh, I don’t know, except the people who make that car don’t even like it. So, we’re back to a five.
Jack: Five.
Stainer: Meanwhile, this Molly, is a hard ten. And that five point disparity, that’s a chasm.
Kirk: Chasm?
Stainer: Chasm! You can’t jump more than two points.

As I’ve gotten older and remain unmarried, I’ve had no choice but to reflect back on some of my more serious relationships and attempt to figure out why they failed. I then have to decipher if they are worth pursuing anew, assuming the person hasn’t moved on to some less qualified chump bigger and better things.

“I’m just sayin you can do better” – Droopy Drake

Like most men people, I’ve wanted someone who is out of my league. However, the more I thought about that statement, the more I began to wonder what the hell it even meant. Is it related to looks only? Intelligence? Career and life accomplishments?

If I date someone who’s beautiful but dumb and unemployed, what have I really accomplished? Is she still out of my league? What if she’s ok in the looks department but advanced in her career and extremely intelligent? Is she out of my league then too? Is this strictly based on my own interpretation or the perception of others?

I have a friend and we were dead serious joking about how we want a woman that is so fine when people see us together they make bitterly jealous and snide remarks like: 1) I’m just sayin you can do better; 2) He must be rich; or 3) He aint hittin that right!

I have wondered for quite some time what my future wife will be like. Upon first impressions, what will I and others think of her? Does it matter what others think? For me? Honestly? Yes, sort of. I want a woman in my life that others are jealous of. Be it for superficial or intellectual reasons or the lifestyle her and I have worked together to build. With age, I’ve gotten more practical.

There was a time in my life where I vowed only to (seriously)  date women that were finer than the last woman I seriously dated. This was sustainable for a while until, well, I dated a woman that was too fine to top. Shortly thereafter I realized how stupid a goal this was to have in the first place. You know how it goes: When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways…

Streetz already did a full analysis on Drake’s Marvins Room, from which I quoted from earlier. What bothered me about this song and a part of the movie itself is how much influence we can sometimes allow others to have on our relationships. If some man, even your X-man, has the influence to make you question the merits of our relationship simply by telling you that you can do better, how strong was our foundation to begin with? I have a simple rule about men trying to take my woman, which I know they will because I have no plans to be with a woman that men wouldn’t want to take. Indirectly, it’s a compliment to you and my taste that another man would attempt such a feat. At the same time, if he can take you, he can keep you.

Ladies and gentlemen, are you consistently looking for someone out of your league or are you content dating the men in or below your league? How do you determine where they fall – based on your own opinion or that of others? What are your thoughts on the movie character’s conversation highlighted above? Ladies, if you’re a 10, how does a 5 go about covering “the Chasm?”

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from wisdomismisery.

Yes I do ... but be loved... that's something else.

When looking across the entire spectrum of human emotion, the feeling I’ve had the most difficult time trying to encapsulate and internalize is without a doubt, love. Love for me has always been a bit of an enigma. I can perceive it in others and I can conceptualize it, but I’ve always had this sneaking suspicion that the way I define it and the way I experience it is starkly different from everyone else. Today I want to explore that. I want to take some time to discuss some of the things I’ve discovered about the innate nature of love and some things I’ve discovered about myself and my approach along the way. Bear with me on this one folks – it’s going to seem like I’m jumping around, but I’m gonna bring it back home – I promise.

The first place I’d like to go in this exploration is science. What does science say about love? Well, like everything with science – it depends on who you ask. Most of the more reliable scientific research defines love as a series of hormones released at varying stages of a relationship. It is the release of testosterone and estrogen when a man and woman first meet that fuels initial attraction. The cause of this release can be a number of things from the obvious characteristics like aesthetics and grooming, to the not so obvious like body language and smell. After that initial attraction is established and the two of you begin exploring that attraction, the part of our brain that controls reward (the ventral tegmental) is activated. This part of the brain causes the release of dopamine – an addictive, ecstasy inducing hormone. You know that feeling you get when you hit the winning shot in a game of basketball, or that feeling you might have when you ace an exam you’ve been studying for – that’s dopamine – your brain’s way of rewarding you for your success. When we are engaged by an individual we’re attracted to, our brain releases dopamine giving us those same feelings of pleasure.

As with most drugs, that “dope” high is fleeting and the longer you’re with someone the more difficult it becomes for that person to stimulate your ventral tegmental and release that dopamine. This is where the hormone oxytocin kicks in. Oxytocin is one of the most amazing things produced naturally by our bodies. To put it plainly, oxytocin is like emotional glue. When released in our bodies it binds us to the individuals responsible for that release. The times where scientists see the greatest amounts of Oxytocin released in humans: you guessed it … during child birth and during an orgasm. This explains why the connection between a mother and her newly born child is immediate and usually unshakeable even though she really doesn’t know the child. Likewise, when two people bring each other to orgasm during sex – particularly if that orgasm is simultaneous, the amount of oxytocin present in the room at that time is off the charts and the bond that is subsequently created is incomparable to any other bond humans have between one another. Sex is natural, sex is beautiful, sex is powerful and as far as science is concerned, sex is love making.

The thing that intrigues me about this scientific approach to defining love is that because all of these feelings we have are caused by our bodies release of specific hormones, the love we feel for others is essentially uncontrollable. We can try and fake it, but truthfully those hormones are either released, or they are not. Now while we can’t control our own hormonal release we can manipulate how others perceive us in order to stimulate a certain hormonal response in them. To put it plainly, based on the science, by perfecting your ability to stimulate hormonal release in others it is completely possible to manipulate someone into loving you regardless of how you may or may not feel about that person.

How does one do this you might ask? Well, if you’re a man unscrupulous enough to want to make a woman fall for you just for the sport – the biological steps are easy. Upon introduction, mind your body language; keep your shoulders back, your chin up and stand close enough to her to indicate interest without violating her personal space. Be clean and don’t wear heavy scents. Our bodies produce natural pheromones that attract the opposite sex but excessive odor caused by uncleanliness or heavy cologne can overpower and distract those natural olfactory aphrodisiacs. Add to that a decent wardrobe, some education and a dash of swag and by now she’s probably attracted, or at least intrigued. All you have to do from here is feed her natural dopamine addiction. The easiest way to do this is to control the consistency and depth of your communication. Instead of having a three hour phone conversation that ends happily having exhausted all there is to talk about, have a one our conversation that leaves her happy, but wanting more. After that, the only thing left is sex. If you can find away to give her the best sex of her life, you’ve pretty much sealed your place in her heart.

Ladies, don’t feel bad, you have this same power over men. Upon meeting a man, wear clothes that afford him the opportunity to take note of the language your body is talking while leaving a lot to his imagination. Don’t be afraid to stand close to him and let him inhale a hint of all that makes you a woman. Add to that a decent shoe game, some education and a dash of swag and by now he’s probably attracted, or at least intrigued. From here, feed his addiction to dopamine by making yourself available to him at your leisure – not his. Then, all that’s left is sex. When the bedroom door closes and the lights go off, introduce him to your Sasha Fierce and your place in his heart will be sealed forever. This may not get you down the aisle – but you’ll at least have access to more of him than any other woman he’s ever known – on your own terms – for as long as you desire.

Look, I realize there are many other factors that can override the impact of hormones – particularly things like culture, social constructs and societal expectations – but biologically, it’s that simple. What separates men from women is that men use these powers indiscriminately and women only use them when a man has already piqued their interest.

So what does all of this say about love? And where do I fit in all of this. I grew up believing that love was this inexplicable, inextricable, natural emotion. I thought it was something that was impossible to avoid and impossible to control. But this belief didn’t coincide with what I was experiencing because – no matter how hard I tried, I never felt it. What I’ve come to understand about myself is that I am one of those rare people whose brain has repressed its ability to allow others to influence my production of estrogen, dopamine and oxytocin at the same rates as everyone else. But the fact that I don’t feel love as much as everyone else doesn’t mean that I don’t know it’s there. I know that I am loved and because I know this, I’m able to reciprocate that love. By developing my own ability to stimulate that release of love in others I’ve been able to give back that which those who love me have given me – even if I’ve never fully accepted their gift. But that still leaves me with one question … am I being manipulative?

And what about you guys? Do you guys notice a difference between loving and being loved? Is your love the result of conscious effort, or is it something completely beyond your control? Anyone out there cold and bitter and incapable of anything related to love? All are welcome here – feel free to share how you got where ever it is you are. I really just wanna know: How do you love?

*Admin Note*

Save the Date! Next Wednesday, August 31, 2011 – The SBM Fam will be hosting Happy Hour at The Empire Room at The Empire State Building from 6-10pm, please RSVP to rsvp@singleblackmale.org for further information and confirmation.

till then, yall know where I am – low and firing.

*Admin Note 2.0*

So that we can maintain site speed and preserve the likable like button, we’ve implemented a new comment system. You’ll find that it has a few cool features. Go forth and be merry with it.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

Behind every married man or woman there usually can be found a number of men and women who, at some point, thought they might be the one but were lost along the way. We rarely talk about these relationships, these stepping stones to the altar because ultimately, marriage is the holy grail of relationships; once one hits that pinnacle, everything that came before seems to pale in comparison. But those relationships deserve better because without them there’s a good chance we’d never have been able to recognize the real thing when we found it. Over the years, I’ve noticed that of all the different iterations of romantic relationships five stand out as the ones we have before we settle down. In today’s post I want to identify each and discuss why they’re important.

5. I Know

Have you ever been addicted to another human being? Ever had someone who you could not bring yourself to not be around regardless of how healthy or unhealthy being around that person might be. Sometimes, the chemistry between you and another person mixes in such a way that it just seems impossible to separate yourself from that person. The weird part is that you might not even be particularly attracted to them, you might not be that fond of their personality and they might not even be that great in bed – still though – you can’t seem to get away.  I’ve been in an addictive relationship before. The kind where you keep going back to each other despite your relationship status – I’m glad I experienced it before getting married. The addictive relationship is important because it’s a reminder that you are human. It’s a reminder that you’re capable of inexplicable attraction and that feeling has you trippin, nose wide open… it’s your addiction and the only way to break it is to avoid it.

4. Rolling In The Deep

We all like to say that we have no regrets in life. We pretend that we wouldn’t change anything that’s happened to us because doing so would prevent us from becoming the person we are today. I hear all that and that sounds nice, but I’m pretty sure I would have turned out alright even if I took back a one or two previous relationships.  If there’s not a person in your life that you wish you never fell for there’s a good chance that you’re the person someone wishes they never fell for. I know that for one person on this Earth I’m the person she wishes she never fell for. I’ve promised myself I’ll never write a post about her, but what I will say is that from that relationship I learned that it’s completely possible to love someone who doesn’t love you and will never love you. Loving someone that doesn’t love you is the most impossibly pointless endeavor anyone can ever find themselves sucked into and usually, when you finally pull yourself away you realize that you learned nothing, gained nothing, and lost – for a time – everything.  When the scars of your love remind you of the fact that you could have had it all, and didn’t, you’ll probably wish you’d never had met that person.

3. Freakn’ You

It’s completely possible to marry ‘the best you’ve ever had’ but most likely you won’t. This is something that a lot of people will never admit to, but for most of us there’s one person who will always have the only key to unlocking certain carnal sides of our nature. These are the parts of our bedroom personalities that we never knew existed till we found ourselves letting them loose with that one person. It could be a number of things, I’m not going to get to listing them here, but let your imagination run for a little bit. Think about that thing you did that time that you never thought you’d do, but also know you’ll never do with the person you marry. Some things are just in the DNA of some relationships and other things are not. When the DNA of a particular relationship includes the best sex you’ve ever had and ever will have, it’s hard for you to deny each other when the opportunity presents itself – but you have to I mean, when your wife calls, are you really gonna play it off like she’s your cousin Dawn?

2. Bestfriends

It’s really common for a man and woman to develop a friendship and then have that friendship develop in to a romantic relationship. In my mind, this is actually the ideal way for a relationship to be born. But every so often, the opposite happens. You meet someone and begin dating them with the explicit understanding from jump, that the relationship is romantic in nature; but somewhere along the line you realize you guys make a terrible couple but awesome friends. If most of the time, you argue and fight, learn to make her your best friend. The thing that’s great about this relationship is that you can use that person as the prototype for your future mate. You want someone who has all of the things that make them best friend worthy, but none of the stuff that makes the two of you incompatible. Plus, they know you better than your friends know you because in attempting to date them they saw a side of you your friends never see and can share that with their friends who might be actually be perfect for you. They’ll be your biggest spokesperson consistently championing your awesomeness.

1. I Guess I’ll See You Next Lifetime …

There’s something wonderfully heartbreaking about meeting a person who’s perfect for you at a time in your lives when that perfection can not be explored. In the movies, love is worth moving mountains, uprooting lives, breaking hearts and whatever other sacrifice needs to be made for the guy and girl to end up together. In real life, it ain’t that type of party. Real life is real and sometimes fate just isn’t on your side. You can’t always give up everything for love. The good thing is, these sorts of relationships can end up being beautiful when you end up finding someone who makes you just as happy. When you do, you’re left with no regrets but instead warm memories of these near-love stories that you look forward to sharing with your kids when they’re old enough to understand life’s complexities.

Where do you all stand? Have you had any of the above relationships? If so how have they helped you as you’ve progressed further on down the line toward settling down? Are you in one of these relationships right now? If so, please over share, we’d love to hear what you’re experiencing. Summer is still hot. SBM NYC Happy Hour coming up soon. Till then, y’all know where I am… low and firing.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

Dating ain't teach me how to dance doe.

The other night I was getting my dose of Twitternet and noticed that #collegetaughtme was the hot new trending topic. Everybody was following the hashtag with things they learned from college ranging from promissory notes to trains…and I don’t mean a mode of transportation unless the destination is New Triz City near Nutville and Groupsberg. Yesterday morning I logged on to Facebook and noticed some freshly posted pictures from one of my friends that happens to be tied to a few people in my past. Similar to the child that knows a noisy radiator means hot but decides to touch it anyway, I clicked to view the album and quickly found myself turning into Mumbles McExpletives.

There are still a couple women from relationships past that if someone told me they were seriously injured I’d say “Karma is the b*tch that never forgets.” And for as much as I dislike these people, I have to be thankful for the ideas they spark. As I was brushing my teeth and thinking about falling pianos, the light-bulb went off and I had a moment of genius that led me to this post. How about #datingtaughtme? So for today, here are a few lessons learned from my adventures in booships.

#datingtaughtme that taking the high road doesn’t mean I have to be cordial later on.

Some people need to be phased out of life like characters out of books. They may have committed an egregious act and you no longer want anything to do with them. I’ve learned that it’s better to not speak than to come off hostile. As you probably noticed, I have a way with words. This translates into spoken wit. That’s not good for somebody. If the gasoline and match met on the bridge, I’m not obligated to say anything to you no matter what people around me may think.

#datingtaughtme that upfront friendship doesn’t necessarily make for a better romantic relationship.

Sometimes 1 + 1= 2.5

It should make sense, but most of the time it just doesn’t work. Extra points for being able to joke, drink, and smoke together doesn’t mean y’all should be together. You may, however, be able to sleep together repeatedly and not feel dirty in the morning.

#datingtaughtme that “stop being so insecure” can really mean “You almost caught me cheating and I need to make you divert your attention and chase your tail.”

Trust your instincts. Need I say more?

#datingtaughtme that you get out what you put in. Pause.

If a relationship is failing, you should be looking at yourself first. Instead of venting to your peoples about how upset the sugar-gone-sourcakes is making you, try figuring out what you could be doing better. This also applies to general affection. No Country for Sit and Wait. A closed mouth don’t get fed. You get my drift.

#datingtaughtme the importance of kissing.

There is passion before insertion. I can assert my manliness before inserting my manliness (throwback), etc. As a matter a fact, I wrote a whole post on kissing. Wack kissing leads to short relationships. Doctors Phil and Drew as well as Dr. Steve Harvey confirmed this…

So those are just a few things that #datingtaughtme. What has it taught you? For the purpose of this post, dating doesn’t just mean going out and awkwardly sitting at dinner faking it ’til you make…out.

I helped her get it re-upholstered,

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Slim Jackson.

There are several questions that make life for men difficult.  A few questions that never have a good answer, yet can never be left unanswered.  They put us on the spot, make us sweat, and may cause stomach pains.

- Where is this relationship going?
- Did you sleep with her?
- Do you love me?

That last one … that’s the killer.

The first time a woman asked me if I loved her, I didn’t really understand the question.  She was my first real girlfriend.  Sure I was smashing, and sure I enjoyed my time with her, and yeah, I wanted her around me.  Generally speaking, I missed her when she was away, but did that mean I loved her?

And then there was loving someone and being in love with them.  How did one tell the difference?  I had heard some stuff about hearing Marvin when you kissed, but … let’s be real … a better test was if I went to sleep after I busted or got up and left.  I mean, what was she really asking me?  Did she want to be loved, or preferred me to be in love?

Long story short … fast forward a bunch of years … I figured it out.  Now if I get asked that question again, I just look up, mentally run over a couple of questions, and answer. For any man (or woman), when prompted with this request, just go over these questions in your head.  If you answer them all yes … you just might be in love.

Would I rather share a full sized bed with them than sleep alone?

Have you, as a grown individual, ever tried to share a full sized bed with another grown individual?  It’s painful.  You move 6 inches in the wrong way and you are on the floor.  Your booty is poking over the side, your feet are off the edge, and the blanket isn’t big enough.  Sadly, when you finally “fall”, you actually don’t want to lay in one by yourself.  You actually want that other person there.  It’s better to be hot and crowded with them, than alone.

Are you making excuses to NOT go out with your friend?

This is true for everybody, but especially for a man.  When you have “plans”, but someone reminds you that your man made plans to hit the strip club, you make up an excuse.  Suddenly your boss needs some last minute assignment, your stomach is bubbling, your car has a flat.  Except, when your in that altered state of mind.  Now there is nothing better than staying at home and watching Love Jones. That’s how you know it might be something serious.

When you drop that L-bomb … it doesn’t sound like a lie?

The last one is when you say that word, you truly believe that you mean it.  I’ve said it before when I didn’t mean it, and you can tell.  It just sounds fake in your head when it comes off your tongue. It might sound right to them, but you know the truth because you said it.  When you can say it, look them in the eye, and feel like you mean … well … you might be sprung.

Love isn’t always difficult.  3 questions is all you need to answer.  It seems silly, but it’s real.

Took me sometime to figure it out, but I know now.  When I say it, when I’m asked, when it comes up … answer is always the same and always the truth.

- SBM aka “I’m in a good mood” aka “Don’t call me soft”

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from SBM.

What Could Go Wrong?

Looking back on it, she was a great person. She was attractive, funny, smart, and she treated me as well as any woman has every treated me. All of this makes it really difficult to understand why I felt the need to break up with her after only 4 months of dating. But that’s the way memories are sometimes, they show you an altered reality – what you want to see – not what actually was. When I look back on it honestly, I know exactly why we had to break up… I had projected.

Let’s backtrack a little bit. I had been traversing the varying stages of singleness for about a year and I was growing tired. I was tired of going out all the time, tired of feeling like I needed to keep myself spectacularly styled, tired of putting in all the work and effort required to make being a single man fun. I wanted a relationship and it seemed that just as I was coming to this realization, she came along. She would be Lisa. I met Lisa when I was in high school, while working at a woman’s clothing store. We didn’t have the same schedule so we didn’t work together very often, but the two or three times we did, we spent the whole time chatting, joking, enjoying each others company and not getting any work done. After high school we lost touch, but then one day we randomly ran into each other while walking through the mall. We exchanged information and it seemed like the timing was perfect. Summer had just ended, I was coming out of a series of flings and she was about 5 months removed from the relationship she had been in since she was 16 years old.

For the next two weeks we spent our days chatting online and our nights talking on the phone. It seemed like we were trying to fit all of our life’s experiences into each and every conversation. Some nights we’d find ourselves dosing off, fighting to stay awake as we shared some irrelevant tidbit about something we’d seen or known at some point in our lives. As you might imagine, it didn’t take long for us to take our relationship to the next level. We were together and everything seemed perfect.

I can’t remember exactly when it happened but at some point the relationship became arduous. Seeing her was a chore, talking on the phone was a chore, caring about the nonsensical minutia of her day was chore. A couple months prior I was struggling to try and figure out what I used to think about before I started spending all my spare thoughts on her. Now, only two months into exclusivity and I was already looking for a way out and so was she. Thankfully, we didn’t belabor the inevitable. With the writing already on the wall we eventually took an argument that was essentially about nothing, made it about something, dug ourselves into our own little corners and decided that neither of us would budge. We used that argument as the impetus for our break up and as quickly as our budding love had burned, it was now completely and utterly extinguished. We both were left wondering where it all went wrong.

Looking back on it what I realized was that we had projected. When we ran into each other in the mall, the fact that we had “known” each other in high school for a couple of days made it seem like we were long lost friends. When we started talking on the phone, the fact that we stayed on the phone until we could no longer keep our eyes open made it seem like there were endless amounts of things to talk about. When we decided to be together, failure seemed impossible because it seemed like we knew each other better than anyone else had ever known us. The truth was, we didn’t know each other at all. We knew projections of ourselves. I had projected onto her everything I ever desired in a woman and she projected onto me everything she ever desired in a man. We made ourselves believe that we were who we wanted each other to be and that made it impossible for us to ever truly know each other. It made it impossible for the reality of who we really were to ever live up to the fantasy we had envisioned. What I realized was that everyone is interesting when they have their whole lives to share with you. You want to hear about the birthday party they had when they turned five, and about their first kiss and about the first time they fell in love. But the fact that those things are interesting and worth knowing doesn’t always mean you’re compatible. Once you’ve learned all those things, once you’re saturated with knowledge of what they’ve experienced, you have to still find that person interesting and worth spending time with – intrinsically – for the relationship to grow and progress.

Maybe we could have worked. Maybe if we had taken it slow things would have been different. We didn’t and we couldn’t go back. Our relationship ended up in the “it was cool at the time” box with Sega Saturn, half-moon parts and Parasuco jeans with the stripe down the leg. Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever found yourself out of a relationship just as quickly as you’d got into it? Have you ever projected your desires onto someone you were interested in?

Lastly, this is the last time I’m going to say this – please download the novella if you haven’t already! You can get it here:

Secrets Discovered In Memoriam

Stay low and keep firing.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

Recently, I was perusing Twitter, and the usual antics were on display. My timeline is pretty diverse, so different conversations will occur and I will be entertained and intellectually stimulated. One conversation that I saw was posted by the homie @itsMarisaRoss. She posed the following question:

Fellas, if you get married, and your wife doesn’t want to take your last name (or hyphens it), would you be mad?

I saw a lot of commentary from men and women on the issue, and I chimed in quickly, but figured I’d speak on the issue with the SBMassive! Here is my stance on the issue.

I never really felt the hyphenated names. I understand the concept of women carrying their father’s last name with them. I understand that women mostly just took a man’s last name just because and never really had a choice, and now they want to exercise their right. I feel that with marriage, there are certain aspects that should be kept “old school” and taking a mans last name as your own is only right.

I remember asking my mother why she kept my father’s last name even after they divorced. She would tell me “Its MY name, I earned it!” I thought that was SO real! It was interesting that she equated possession of his last name to a sense of entitlement and accomplishment. It is in a sense though. Let’s be real, the pursuit of marriage has long been more desired on women’s side than men. Men usually see it as “the final frontier’ and a loss of self. Like they are dying to be reborn and leaving their old selves. No more reindeer games, because now you have to be serious and start this family. Women are the ones who dream of this day, plan this day from a young age, and look towards M-Day as the culmination of a loving relationship. So acquiring that last name, like the ring, is the women’s equivalent of an XBox “Call me MRS Wifey” achievement being unlocked. So why would you want to bastardized your married name with that hyphen of your old name? My mom is also Caribbean, so you know we have 50-11 names. Mail comes to the house and we can literally have 4 different letters with 4 different names for her, smh. You would think the fed’s listening…n*gga what last name?

When I get married, I want to proudly present my wife and say “This is my wife, Mrs Metta World Streetz”. I don’t want to drop a hyphen on that sh*t! Maybe that’s me being a traditionalist, but that’s how I feel. Being part of the working world, I understand the need to keep maiden names. It can be a pain to legally change your name on all of your documents, and change your Outlook and all pertinent information. I also agree that a woman’s identity and name are her own. So if she hyphenated her own name, I wouldn’t be too upset. I don’t think I’d be upset at all really.

My one area for concern is children. I do NOT want my children with hyphenated names. It causes crazy confusion for all parties involved. I remember a dude in my dorm who had a hyphenated last name. I would ask him his name, and he’d skip the hyphen sometimes, and add it with others. I asked him why, and he just *insert shrug text art* and said it depends on how he feels. I’m big on names, especially my own, and respect for names. That couldn’t be me, and I don’t want that for my kids.

Women get the joy/blessing of carrying a child 9 months, and some feel it’s their right to be able to name the child with no input also. I can agree to an extent ( a small extent), but damn can a dude get his FULL last name in there at least? How many of these illegitimate kids running around with their dads last name and no hyphens, yet in a married relationship you want them to hyphen? Chill. I think that’s too much. Let them have their dad’s last name. They still carry the lineage on, and hell if I have daughters I would have to cope with that reality too. Your name still lives on with your progeny, regardless.

Also, don’t be completely adverse to taking your husbands last name. I saw some woman on Twitter say she would NEVER take her husbands last name, and if he didn’t like that too bad. I can already tell she will be forever single with a sign over her coochie that reads “Winter Is Coming”. Don’t be her. Have an open mind, and at least hyphenate.

Women, rock out with the hyphen. If that’s the biggest issue you have with your relationship, you are lucky. Just let the kids rock with the full name.I think that’s a happy medium.

P.S. If you follow us on Twitter, you may already know. But if not, Single Black Male won the Best Blog Design and Best Blog Post Series categories at the 2011 Black Weblog Awards. Thanks to everybody for their support in helping us bring home a couple trophies. Special thanks to Lianne Farbes for the site redesign. We sure as hell couldn’t have done that ish ourselves.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Streetz.

Every time he bags a modellin chick, he does this!

He’s the Captain. he’s the model for which every baseball player strives to achieve. He dates the baddest women, and he is the newest member of the 3000 hits club. This is the man who put NYC on his back daily, and reps a city, a sport, and a culture like no other. This man is Derek Jeter. I always respected him because he shows that you can emulate an ideal and actually live that ideal. In an age where professional athletes are marred in scandal, steroids, and other legal and moral troubles, you have Derek Jeter. You have a guy who isn’t involved in any off the field bullsh*t. A man who on the field is respected by every opponent and teammate he’s ever had or will face. He just gets it when it comes to image and character. That Jeter, he has an edge. When it comes to relationships, Derek carries that same awareness and image conscious bravado. I mean, you don’t have a hit list like THIS without knowing how to move in a room full of vultures. For all his on the field success, there’s a few things men can learn from Derek Jeter’s relationship swag:

Discretion

I know who Derek Jeter has dated, but I’d be lying if I said whether or not I knew the inner workings of those relationships. Derek Jeter is the poster child for discretion. He keeps discussion to Baseball, his family, and not much else. He really isn’t heavy in the tabloids. You will not see him starring in a reality TV show. You won’t see him on that TwitPic screen showing his Metta World piece for the world to bear witness. It’s just not his style. Famous or not, people are messy. They will let the world know all the inner workings of their relationships, the ups and downs, the strengths and weaknesses. What ever happened to keeping things in house? What happened to having a bad day or a disagreement with someone, and just working it out instead of posting facebook statuses and sub-tweets on the Internet? One reason relationships fail, and people get embarrassed is because when people know everything about your personal life, they can twist it and use it against you in any way shape or form. Criticism won’t be as constructive if you tell any Joe Shmoe your relationship issues. It’s just not a good look!

On another note, I really never hear the women Derek dates talking about their relationship either. See ladies, DJ2 figured out one of the crown jewel secrets of male-female interactions: Find a discreet woman, and you will find salvation. I’m private for the most part, and absolutely hated when exes would tell our issues to common friends and random people we knew (think associates, classmates, coworkers, etc). When this happens, people will form an opinion about you and about the relationship that you can’t really change unless you tell your side of the story and make it a complete mess. It’s a double edged sword: you either keep your mouth shut and let people think what they will, or you speak and lose privacy. Derek finds hot women and discreet women. You can’t beat that combo!

If you’re not ready for serious commitment, move on!

Men get caught up in this constantly. You never hear Jeter in any cheating scandals, and while it may be a reflection on his character, I would say he’s smarter than that. See, Derek isn’t maried and hasn’t been married to date. He more than likely enjoys his single/non-married life, and doesn’t want to complicate it with mistresses and such. He is probably on the list of the top 5 athletes in the world who could bone your wife without breaking a sweat, but he uses his powers for the greater good. He gets involved with these women and eventually, it “doesn’t work out” and he moves on to the next one. You ask me **looks around, now looks back at the computer screen** I think one of 3 things happens that has caused the relationships to fizzle:

He’s bored

No matter how pretty/attractive you are, if you don’t have an engaging personality, you will eventually get broing, stale and expendable. When you’re a dude who’s been with gorgeous women, after a while that becomes your norm and you’re not going to stick around because “she looks good”. She needs to be a total package. As demanding of success as Jeter in on the field, I can only imagine his relationship standards. Poor women, lol.

The “where is this relationship going” question arose, and DJ replied “No Sir!! NOT ME!!”

The difference between Jeter and regular dudes, is when proposed with this scenario, the regular dude would dance around the issue, make up mad excuses, and hope they can buy time to think of a beter response until she brings it up again, Derek Jeter seems like the type of dude to say “That’s not what Im looking for right now, and if you are than maybe we should end this so no one gets hurt.” Remember, DJ is a winner, and winners can assess situations and knows that the right moves, even if it results in a minor loss, will lead to ultimate victory. he probably does a cost benefit analysis on the relationship, and if he doesn’t see it going farther, he chucks the deuces. Better to have loved and lost, right?

Shes Crazy

Hello, Mariah.

These are just a few ways that Derek has shown men indirectly how to be a bachelor, date, and not get caught up in some BS, especially if you’re a celebrity. No baby mama drama. No 50-11 kids whom you don’t even remember all of their names floating around the world. No real slander that has been dealt on his name by women or anyone else. Now, no one is perfect, and I’m sure he has character flaws that he covers well (Ask A-Rod about how he holds grudges). One thing you can’t deny: He has been the quintessential role model for what’s right in sports since 1995, and he lives that and reflects that perception in relationships as well.

RT @reallifekaz: 3,000 hits. Endless hoes. Congrats to the Captain, Derek Jeter.

Nuff Said

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Streetz.