If you’re a man like me, you’ve known this woman.  You’ve bought her drinks at the bar, she’s sat across the table from you on dates, and she’s laid next to you in bed. She’s been a lover, a significant other, a friend with benefits.  She’s perfect, possessed with everything you might ever desire in a long term partner and potential wife.  If you’re a man like me, at some point in your life you’ve been with a woman who you could have married but did not. As men, sometimes we need to sit back and reflect on the women we’ve known and why these relationships with seemingly perfect people didn’t work out.

We fell apart, the bond was broken, should’ve kept our thoughts between ourselves. And though they say they cared, they didn’t help. Makes me wonder, should we blame ourselves?

One of the most unpredictable aspects of love is chemistry. We love to think that when two perfect people get together, the perfect relationship is inevitable. Unfortunately, love often has other ideas. No amount of individual perfection can overshadow bad chemistry; sometimes two souls can’t help but repel each other. On paper it made sense, to all of your friends it made sense, but when faced with the prospect of spending forever with this seemingly perfect woman, you knew it wouldn’t work. No matter how hard you tried you were never going to be able to develop an emotional attachment strong enough to pass the test of time.

What makes these situations difficult is that as men, we often attach a greater value to chemistry than do women. For us, chemistry is near the top of the list of things we expect out of long term mates. No matter how ambitious and intelligent she is, no matter how loving she is, no matter how beautiful she is, if we don’t click, we won’t consider spending forever with her. We may loiter in her life for a while, but when it comes down to it, we know we’ll never commit long term. Women, it seems, are different. For a great many women, bad chemistry doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. It’s something that can be worked around if everything else is securely in place.

Lyric: Jason, I am trying to love you, but I don’t want my heart broken. But that’s exactly what you’re gonna do if you keep trying to save a brother that don’t want to be saved! 

In order for any situation to work there must be an alignment of two people at the right time and the right place.  The right place does not necessarily mean physically, but more often than not, it means mentally.  Women are likely to drop everything they are doing and make the relationship work.  They may have dreams of greatness but they set aside their goals for their men when they are under the impression that they’ve found a lifetime companion.

For men, life’s responsibilities almost always supersede relationships.  We sometimes prioritize things differently than women, and are rarely thrown off.  As men, we have plans and we plan on seeing them through.  And isn’t that what’s attractive about the choice picks of our gender, the ability to both conceptualize and execute?  It’s never crossed my mind that perhaps I’m letting my present situation affect my future happiness. I’m always convinced that when I’m ready, I’ll be able to find the right woman. I do not know if most women think this way. From my perspective, it seems like the ladies are way more willing to set aside personal goals and personal ambition if they’ve found a man they deem worthy of such sacrifice.

“Know when to leave when the heat is coming, I learned that.  This is where DeNiro would be if he ain’t turn back.”

In Michael Mann’s classic caper flick Heat, Robert DeNiro’s character is a pursued bank robber with but two more steps to take to reach freedom. Instead of waking away, he decides to turn back to go after his love. It doesn’t end well, hence the above referenced Jay-Z lyric. As strange as it might sound, the willingness to walkaway from a bad situation, no matter the consequences, is not only applicable to career criminals, but also to two individuals in love.  I have friends who’ve had on again off again relationships with women they’ve known since college. In their minds, when they finally decide to settle down, she’ll be the one they settle down with. The problem is while we may have ideas around the how of when we’ll settle down with these women, we rarely consider their plans. We just expect our women to understand and to go along with us as if there’s some tacit agreement. We figure we’ll be ready to settle sometime between 30 and 35. Never mind the fact that she’d always dreamed of being married by 25.

This is where the willingness to walk away becomes paramount. If we’ve both communicated our plans, and neither of us are willing to compromise or budge, we both need to be willing to walk away – no matter how perfect for each other we might be and no matter how much love might exist between the two of us. You never know, sometimes one individual showing they have the will to step back from a situation that isn’t to their long term benefit can inspire the other to meet halfway and make the relationship work.

Most, if not, all of my relationships are birthed out of the thought that something substantial could come of them.  It may not have been marriage, because not every relationship must end in marriage. But no matter how perfect the relationship could have been and no matter how difficult the break up, there’s always something to be learned. As men, we reserve the right to not marry a woman, or give her the relationship she desires, if we know it’s not sustainable. That’s the hardest part about being a decent man and it’s also the hardest thing to accept for women who have everything to offer.  They did everything right and ended up with nothing. Sometimes, that’s the way love goes.

Have you ever had the perfect relationship fail because of chemistry, bad timing or your unwillingness to walk away? What happened when perfection failed?

- Dr. J

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

There's always that person who fills their champagne glass up to the brim in a crowded room. *Rolls Eyes*

I’ve got tons of friends, but contrary to the way others might approach their friends, I manage my friends with expectations.  Some people use categories such as; associates, acquaintances, homies, friends, or whatever other terms they develop to explain their relationship with a person, but I use expectations.  For this very reason, there are many times that someone will tell me how someone behaved in a situation and I’ll say, “I can’t raise another man, but I’m pretty sure many of them in our networks do not know how to act.”

There are times when you’ll be called upon to attend certain events that you should have coaching on how to behave.  Your mother probably thought she did a great job raising you, but she probably never took the time to finish off the task once you turned 21.  Here’s where you need to be in the company of greatness in order to be your best.  These are some events that many of us will have to attend but need a little coaching to be our best.

Housewarmings 

Some of us look at housewarmings as a time to furnish our house, this is the worst possible way to approach this event.  Others attend housewarmings and never understand the significance of our attendance at these events.  For those who attend housewarmings realize the importance and what’s really going on here, a person is inviting you to their house to turn a purchase into a home.  Focus on that.  It’s not a time to make an appearance and show off yourself, but to commune at a friend’s or family member’s new purchase to turn it into a home.

For those who are throwing a housewarming, it’s not a time to freeload.  Let’s skip the jargon, and move to the meat of the matter.  If you are throwing a housewarming, this is your time to show off your house.  The correct way to hold a housewarming is to provide food and beverages, and you do not have the housewarming until your house is ready to be seen.  You should have decorated and completed every room before you throw the housewarming.  When people walk into your home, they should not be completing your bar or kitchen, or collection of art.  All of those things should be completed before throwing the housewarming.  Yes, a housewarming is expensive, but it is the transition from a house to a home.  Make sure you do this right.

Weddings 

When you invite someone to, or are asked to attend someone’s wedding it means something important.  For the people who attend your wedding, they are witnesses to the vows you take before God and Family as you embark on a journey for life.  Weddings aren’t a time to throw a party, they are a time to exchange vows.  If someone invites you to their wedding, they are telling you that they want you to be a part of this journey in their life.

The wedding reception is not a time to “hit the open bar” or “make a scene on the dance floor.”  First and foremost, you need to bring a gift.  Your gift should at a minimum cover the cost of your party’s plate.  But in order to make the right gift, it takes more.  Here’s what your gift means, “This is my gift to you, to encourage you to have the best marriage possible.”  A cash donation is totally fine, but make it mean something.  The cash donation is saying to the newlyweds, “Here’s something to help you make it.”  Moreover than the gift, there is how you should behave at a reception.  The program is important because the newlyweds and their wedding party would like to do and say the things that are the foundation of their marriage.  Pay attention to the program, don’t talk during toasts and don’t miss a toast because you want to get another drink.  And never spend time complaining or comparing this reception to another.

The Birth of a Child 

The birth of a child is a significant event in anyone’s life.  Many of us hope to live forever, but we only have one life to live.  The birth of a child is a blessing from God, given to us to enjoy and celebrate.  Therefore, when you are asked to witness the birth of a child, you should understand the importance and choose your actions carefully.  If this is a close friend of yours, you should be there at the hospital or at the home if a homebirth is chosen.  Be a voice of encouragement and also of joy, trust me both parents will need it.

The Christening or selection of Godparents is another event that many of us totally miss.  A Christening is much like a wedding, the people that you ask to be there are witnesses to vows.  They are there because you have deemed them fitting of being there as you go to God to ask for his blessing and guidance throughout the life of this child.

This next part, I want to be very clear about, the godparents that you select for your child are to be companions in the success of this life, but they must understand and be capable of completing the task if the parents are not.  You don’t pick a godparent for your child because they are your close friend and it would be “cool.”  You pick a godparent because you want them to be an integral part of your child’s life and they have the capability of raising them in your absence.  And if you are selected as a godparent, if you truly feel that you cannot fulfill the responsibility, respectfully decline.

Significant Life Changing Parties 

Over the years, there are birthdays, new jobs, reflection moments and retirements.  To get the most important piece of advice about parties out the way first, remember this, if you can’t afford to throw the party, don’t throw the party.  Nothing irks me more than when someone throws a party and requires that others finance the party.  I’ve thrown a successful barbecue every year, I have NEVER asked anyone to bring a thing.  I keep the company of friends who don’t show up empty handed, but even if you don’t, take that into consideration.  Many of us provide the stage, but don’t finance the show.

When someone asks that you attend an event of significance, you should make it a point to be there.  Hopefully, your friends won’t require your attendance at every checkpoint, but only at landmarks.  For me, I think that birthday celebrations should happen in the following; 18, 21, 25, 30, 40, and then 50.  They go on from there, but those are the intervals for which you make it a big deal for your friends and family to be there.  When you take a new job or you retire, your friends should be there.  You put a lot into those ventures and your contributions should be rewarded not by only your coworkers, but those who have been soundboards for your many vents and frustrations.

There you have it.  Of course, this is just a sampling, I don’t have all the time to upload all my thoughts on behaving the right way under important circumstances.  I want to add that I’ve picked much of this up from reading books that aren’t targeted towards a particular race or gender, those would only yield a certain type of result.  I also have mentors and friends in my network who have been in rooms that I may not have been in before.  It costs nothing to pick up the phone and call them to ask for a minute of advice, in fact, it can be your most prudent decision.  I’m interested to hear your thoughts, maybe a personal story, or even recommendations for other events where you have been witness to malfeasance.  Cheers.

- Dr. J 

“Maybe i’m just different.”

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

Today’s post is a Guest Post from a good friend of mine, Ayanna Abrams, Psy. D.  She graduated from The Chicago School of Professional Psychology, and is completing a postdoctoral fellowship as a Psychotherapist at Emory University Student Counseling Ctr.  I thought this would be a good way to present this post.  I had long thought about writing an article after reading this article from Yashar Ali on Huffington Post, titled, A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not “Crazy”.  I didn’t agree with this article, I thought he was trying too hard.  I thought it would be better presented from a woman.  Anyway, please enjoy today’s guest post.  I’ll see you guys in the New Year!

I first want to begin this guest post by thanking Dr. J for the opportunity to speak about a particular area of interest for me in my clinical work: relationships within the black community, and particularly, the sociohistorical and political influences that continue to have an impact on the ways in which we, as a community, see one another and therefore, interact and develop meaningful relationships. When asked to contribute to this blog, I was initially surprised that I would be thought of, but I’m excited to offer a small snippet of what I see, what I do, and to be able to have an open and honest dialogue about the impact of language on our perceptions and behaviors.

I pretty regularly have conversations with friends and colleagues about relationship happenings, whether in my own, in theirs, in friends’, and what we see with our clients and in the media, and there’s much overlap.  Probably too much.  Who and what we have as relationship role models is in many cases, lacking, and has a direct impact on how we are in relationships, as well as how we expect others to be when in relationships with us. What I’ll write about today holds importance for any race/ethnicity, but has been specifically been more detrimental to black relationships for well known reasons of racism and sexism that are too much to really delve into today.

So…“crazy.”  This is a word that gets thrown around pretty often, and has a number of different meanings, positive and negative, depending on the context. For the purpose of this post, we’ll assume that the use is negative.  First of all, crazy literally means, “full of cracks or flaws; unsound; mentally deranged, demented; insane, etc.”  *Merriam-Webster Dictionary and Dictionary.com.* Clinically, the word is not even utilized, because of its derogatory nature and complete inaccuracy when used to describe a person’s character.  What I find problematic with its use in relationships, and its use by black men towards black women, is that it is:

1) A false accusation and label that has been used to define, determine and limit the character of a black woman who asserts her needs in any given relationship, be that romantic, professional, familial, etc.

2) Oftentimes a blanket and loosely based reaction to women holding men accountable for actions that are inconsiderate, offensive, invalidating, etc.

3) Undermining and gives chance to ignore his role in what has led her to do or say something “crazy.” It’s easier to point the finger at others, rather than keep the focus on and take responsibility for your own actions.

4) Consciously and unconsciously used to manipulate women into confusion about what is acceptable, to the point where she’s now second-guessing herself and accepting bad behavior as normal. How many times have you or have you known a female friend to ask, “Am I crazy, though? Is this just me?”

5) In fact, counter-productive to RESOLVING the issue, which lies at the heart of the problem, right? Think back to a time when you either called a black woman crazy or watched the scenario go down when someone you know did that…it’s kind of akin to saying “You need to calm down,” right? When’s the last time that’s actually worked for you?

Bold labeling in any relationship is problematic, because it makes a generalization about a specific problem and cannot be taken back. The impact of words used against us cannot and should not be forgotten, especially when our reaction to these words is useful information for how we set boundaries.  In addition to this, there are many more implications when peers from within our already mis-labeled community label us in hurtful ways. For many black women, these labels become internalized and can lead to a number of psychological problems and relationship misconceptions and dysfunction.  The waters under the current functioning of black relationships are already muddy, and reactively using language to divert from problems within your relationship, without diligent attention, is not only insensitive in the moment, but devastating over time.

Black women have enough myths perpetuated by the majority, and to have a black man use this power against them is unacceptable and damaging.  The impact of labeling does not stay with the woman who you accuse, but trickles into the remainder of your relationship and her other relationships, in which she now begins to question herself and her right to be treated a certain way.  It encourages her not to express herself, to take what is laid before her without challenge, and to de-value herself as you have clearly demonstrated for her. If you, her partner, view her as such, what reason is there for her to believe that others will view her any differently? That she can BE any different? Men can “crazify,” women at any given point during an interaction, and the ease with which certain wounding language is used makes it normalized and believable.

The other side of the coin is, let’s face it, men AND women in relationships can frequently engage in really unhealthy behaviors when they do not get what they want or feel they deserve from a partner.  I do not want to put out the perception that not calling women “crazy,” means that unacceptable behavior should be overlooked for fear of not perpetuating a stereotype and uplifting the black community.  Actions like damage to property, stalking, harassment of you or others close to you (or thought to be close to you), manipulation of any sort; these behaviors are not healthy in any relationship, and before leaving her with the words, “You’re crazy,” this might be a chance to a) remove yourself from a situation that is harmful to both of you, or b) decide to work through what the issues may be, with BOTH partners being accountable for what has led to this moment.  She did not get to this point on her own; trust me.  And whether that is because of you or someone else, there is a better way to acknowledge this.  Honestly, if you cannot think of a better way to resolve an issue than to call her names, then maybe this is not the relationship for you.  But, in many cases, diversion to what you may deem as her problematic thought processes will work, and allow you the flexibility to act how you want.

It might be time to take a deeper look at yourself and your relationship patterns if you continue to engage with the “crazy,” woman or women.  We all know a man, and some of you may be a man, who complains about it, but, in fact, ENJOYS the “crazy.” …hence reinforcing it.  There’s the phenomenon that the main men who complain about “crazy,” women seem to always be in a relationship with one, right?  The “crazy” chick is a chick who provides almost non-stop attention and ego-boosting potential, so there’s a secondary gain for him.

As a psychotherapist, I also want to point out the powerful negative stigma associated with the word “crazy,” and how shaming it has been for many individuals, particularly in the black community, in seeking out mental health services because of the connotation that it holds.  Now, I’ve seen the clinically “deranged, unstable and unsound,” individual, and the black woman before you, who may be asking for more than you are willing to provide her, is far from that.  Calling her “crazy,” leaves her more damaged than when you entered a relationship with her, whether either partner recognizes this.

I encourage anyone reading this post to retreat from destructive labels, open up communication within your relationships and consider the larger context and impact of your words.

- Ayanna Abrams, Psy. D.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

It Was All Good A Few Years Ago

Not too long after graduating college, an ex-girlfriend from back home asked me why I didn’t come around anymore and why I didn’t spend time with my best friend from high school. I didn’t have an answer, the best response I could come up with was “I think we’ve grown apart.” The truth was,  I went to college and he didn’t, not only did he not make it to college, but it also seemed that his ambition died after the twelfth grade.  I just couldn’t relate to the mindset of a man who quit life. This lead me to think about the relationships that fail over the course of one’s life and I wanted to share them and some of my thoughts about them, with you.

“I know Mom, but this is the woman in my life now.”

I remember one time Christmas came around and I was saving money to buy something for my lady friend. My mother wanted Alvin Ailey tickets, front row. Can’t argue that, my mother loves Alvin Ailey. I had to make a decision between dropping the $500 for those tickets or the $600 for a new bag for my lady. I had to tell my mother, “I’m sorry but I hope that this lady becomes a part of my family one day, I’ll get you one ticket, but I’m not sure I have the money to do two.” At some point in your life, your mother or father will be second to the person in your life. Nobody wants a mama’s boy and you don’t want to create an unnecessary barrier that separates you from someone who has the potential to be your life partner. It’s a delicate thing to balance and eventually, every man who takes a wife has to make the choice and put her first. If she’s first … other people, who were once first, will have to deal with your relationship adjusting.

“My bad dog, but this just ain’t me no more.”

I was sitting on the block doing what we had done many times before on the 4th of July: shooting bottle rockers at one another and laughing. At one point, my boy pulls out a hammer and shoots it in the air, I sat for a moment too engulfed in the Henny that we had been drinking and just laughed. As cops circled the area, I realized I had to get out of there. I wasn’t the same dude that I was in the past, I had a college education and good job, I didn’t want to become a statistic. I keep it cordial with my boy that I’ve known since I was 4, but we’ve never hung out like that again. It’s hard parting ways with people you’ve known your whole life. It’s hard coming back to the old neighborhood and not having an idea of what’s transpired since you’d last been around. And it’s hard realizing how much you’ve grown in looking through the warped mirror that is the difference between you and friend you were once just like. It happens, it’s real, it’s part of growing up.

“Keep it real, we were only friends because of the partying and the chicks.”

One of the dudes I thought would always be in my life, I lost to the realization that our friendship had outgrown us. I look back on someone that I would hit the bars with, talk about life, be there for whenever and realized, “Hey, we only really talked about partying and bullsh*t.” As you get older you realize that many friendships built in college are based on the frivolous, collegiate lifestyle. If our friendship is centered around scheming on chicks, what happens when scheming on chicks is no longer necessary or important. I had to let that friend go, I wish him the best, but as an adult, I needed more from my friends than just war stories and drunken half-memories.

“You’ll make a great wife, but probably not for me.”

I had to learn the hard way that there comes a time when you lose a friend who could have been your wife. I remember meeting up with an ex-girlfriend to tell her she’d make a great wife, but I wasn’t ready for marriage. There will be stepping stones in a man’s love life, and in a woman’s love life. We don’t always end up with the person we thought we’d spend the rest of our life with and that’s okay, as long as we grow and are better people for it.

The say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. What I’ve discovered over the years is that some of the people I thought would be here for a lifetime, were only meant for a season. That doesn’t invalidate our friends and love, but it does give me perspective. Friendships should be based not just on the history you have, but also on the memories you might be able to make in the future. We all hold onto relationships- sometimes for way too long. We do this to avoid failure. We’ve got friends we know we should let go, we’ve got family and loved ones that are for us, toxic. Share with me your thoughts and maybe some friendships that you lost along the way. Today is a time of reflection, let’s reflect on the faith that the sometimes dark past has taught us.

- Dr. J

We are now taking RSVPs for this Friday’s NYC Holiday Happy Hour at The Empire Room in the Empire State Building.  It’ll be from 6pm til 10pm! RSVP and stay up to date on future SBM events via the link here: http://eepurl.com/hUUcU

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

She looks like she means business.

Your television set is obsessed with showing you other people’s faults so that you spend time telling yourself that you’re at least better than that person. That’s why reality TV is so popular and the shows have nothing to do with where they began. Think about this logically, the shows that we grew up watching like Real World aren’t even hot anymore. You would think that the older shows would dominate, right? Like can you imagine if people didn’t regard the Simpsons and Law & Order as two of the best shows on television? Maybe not, I can’t get enough of Modern Family and 30 Rock.

Two of my favorite shows are Bridezilla and Say Yes to the Dress. I’m man enough to admit that though, some of you aren’t. It makes sense to me though, I always want to be prepared for my wedding. Just so you don’t think I’m losing my touch and going flaccid on you; when I graduated from college I drafted my prenupt. I didn’t want to fall in love and forget all the reasons I had for wanting one in the beginning. If I reach that age and I don’t feel the need to have one, I’ll just throw it out, but I’ll be sure to review it. But back to the show, these two shows show me some things to look for in a woman to find out if she’s going to be a Bridezilla or if I’m going to coming out of pocket because she’s getting out of pocket.

I’m not here to speak on your relationship, or anything about dating that girl that would tip you to her habits. The reason why – in addition to the retirement, Bridezillas don’t only affect the people they marry. It affects their family, their friends, the groom, the groom’s friends, the wedding planner, and everybody in attendance. Check out these clues:

1. They like things a certain way – Have you ever had one of those people who just liked to have things “a certain way”? They love to dictate to you what the right way to do something is. They let you know that you shouldn’t expect people to furnish your house at your housewarming. They let you know what is and what isn’t acceptable to wear. They are the ones who rearrange people before a photo is taken. They even kick their line sisters out the picture because they don’t know how to lean and throw the dynasty sign.

2. They are usually the “president” of their crew – Every crew has its leader, my crew has three. It’s three of us, Frick, Frack and Fro and we spent most nights in college doing absolutely nothing because nobody wanted to go with the other’s plan. You ever been on an email thread with the “president” of your crew thinking, “She don’t ever want to go where anyone else wants to go”? That’s the “president.” She’s Regina George, she’s Rachel Meadows and it’ll leave you thinking, “why can’t we go to the party?”

3. They been waiting a long time for this day – All women have an idea of what they would like their wedding to be like. If you peep, most girls take longer to come out the womb. That’s because they spend nine months whiteboarding on their mother’s stomach and it takes a little extra time to commit all those notes to memory. The longer a woman waits, the more and more detailed this plan gets. It gets to a point that she knows exactly how she wants each minute of her wedding to go. She has her outfit picked out, marketing schemes figured out, and a few tracks laid, before the deal is signed.

4. They watch all those wedding shows – The problem with all those wedding shows is they give you tons and tons of ideas of what you would like to have in your wedding. The women who watch those shows, do not watch them to be entertained. They watch them to see what they want and what they would not tolerate. Don’t believe me, next time you’re at happy hour ask your friend about that episode when the bridesmaids wanted to wear different dresses that worked best for their bodies. When she replies, “Oh hell no.” Slide her in that group of friends, “Will check “no” and return invitation,” or prepare yourself to be a bridesmaid of a bridezilla.

5. The easiest way, they told you, “I’m getting married!” – This is the best and quickest way to figure out if you’re dealing with a bridezilla. When they tell you they are getting married, if they never mention their husband, it’s a good sign that she’s a bridezilla. First of all, “she” isn’t getting married, “they’re” getting married. Second of all, “I’m getting married!” is almost always followed by, “I’ve got so much work to do now.” There’s goes that “I” word again. Remember, “Never I, never me, always us, always we” … wait, I mean, “Our marriage, their wedding” … wait, well you guys know what I mean.

Those are my clues that I’m dealing with a Bridezilla. What about yours? How many of you would confess to being a Bridezilla, or a bridesmaid for one? It’s cool, nobody’s judging you. The fact of the matter is, women have a plan for the wedding and a man has to have a plan for the marriage. He’s probably too busy to know what persimmon is anyway. For the men, do you think you could marry a Bridezilla? How will you react when she shows up to your bachelor party to make sure it goes to plan?

- Dr. J

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

Everyday i'm hustlin...

Before my laptop crashed, I had a list of people who made it without college degrees.  I wasn’t talking about people who dropped out of Ivy League schools.  People always want to point to Mark Zuckerberg and say, “See you don’t need a degree to succeed.”  My reply, “Aight bet, just get into an Ivy League school before you make that decision though.”  I’m talking about good and regular citizens like me and you who may or may not have a degree but we make due anyway.

I thought about this because as Black people we always stress the need for higher education.  I think that it’s important that you tell the youth to reach for the stars and so I don’t think it’s wise to tell a 10 year old, “You don’t have to go to school, you can do good all by yourself.”  That’s not the right type of motivation that the youth needs.  However, I do think that we shouldn’t think of someone as a failure or having a ceiling just because they don’t have a degree.  My family is very successful, but my grandfather didn’t go to college, he actually dropped out of high school and ran away from home in South Carolina and he did what all of us do, “he made some sh*t happen.”  My grandfather hustled numbers until he had a family and then he settled into a fulltime gig at Sterling Dry Cleaners for 30 years until his retirement.  My grandfather got me to thinking though, how necessary is the degree.  Check me out.

Despite popular belief the military is a great option – Here’s what I don’t like about the military: they put guns in the hands of young Black men and tell them to go kill their own people.  Here’s what I like about the military: they educate men and women with state of the art technology and they also teach a sense of discipline and maturity that is ions ahead of what happens at four year institutions in America.  You can go into the military, serve your country and you will exit the military either through discharge or retirement and have access to some of the best things in America.  I know a dude who retired as a Lt. Colonel and came into my firm and make 200K.  When you ask him about his degree, he doesn’t know what that means, but he oversaw over 10,000 troops in Iraq.  I don’t care what you say, you can have six degrees from Harvard, that ain’t got nothing on being in charge of 10,000 men and women’s lives in a time of war.

If you go to work everyday and you work hard, you will be rewarded - Like my grandfather, if you go to work everyday and work hard, everything will work out for you.  It’s real men out here right now without degrees who do what they have to do to provide for them and theirs.  They should be applauded.  You ain’t got to put on a shirt and tie to bring home a paycheck, legally.  If you are a contractor for FedEx, be the best at what you do; pass all your drug tests and show up on time.  You never know, one day that may turn into your own business and Kobe Bryant from the Lakers.  Now that’s paper!

A Good Government Job, is still a good Government Job - My boy told me he couldn’t date a chick who didn’t go to college.  She was a DC slim with hazel eyes, and I said, “Dog you just not from here, she probably doing alright for herself.”  If you not from DC, I’ll have to explain this later but, YOU AIN’T GOT TO GO TO COLLEGE TO MAKE GS-13.  All them position descriptions say, “or equivalent experience.”  A lot of females grow up and they know they need to get out the house as soon as possible, they graduate high school and go in the government.  You put your time in the government and you can retire.  If you are motivated you can turn a GS-3, into a 5, into a 7/9, into a 9/11/12 and then be on your way in no time.  (All that is are the GS schedules and the way the positions are in the government.  The Federal government is just set up in a way that you can keep moving up without a degree.)  My whole point was this, how can you judge a chick for not having a degree when she got more money than you?  (Sidenote: Being from here, I got too many family members in the government to ever take shots at that life, keep this in mind during the comments.)

Trade school is a good look these days - You know how much plumbers make? $80 an hour.  Yep, and I’m not talking about that guy who comes over your house and pays you in yards. I’m talking about the dude who unclogs your drains because you don’t know how to put your hair in the trash can.  You go to trade school and you can be making $80/hour for life.  That’s a skill that they can’t take from you.  Because of the decrease of men becoming plumbers, their rates are going up and so is their business.  You know how much the person who operates a crane on a construction site makes?  They make a bill an hour.  You know how much a consultant makes?  On average, about $30-35 an hour.  Think about that.

I’m just not the social type and campus life is crazy - One of my boys raps, y’all know him, but I won’t shout him out.  He was my roommate freshman year in college, he only lasted two weeks.  He couldn’t deal with campus life.  It wasn’t like he was partying or banging everything that walked, he was just not into it and it depressed him, so he dropped out.  He got himself in a good position once he left college and he started dropping these weird mixtapes and hanging around artists.  He’s making paper now.  The only reason I bring this up is because there are some people who just ain’t made for college campuses.  We force their hand by dragging them there.  They don’t do well, they may graduate, but just barely.  Those people would be better served if no one forced them to college, but instead taught them some other routes that they could go.

What do you guys think though?  Is it important that we present these other options to our youth?  Do we stop stratifying ourselves with our degrees?  What’s the difference between paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to market yourself, or just finding it out yourself?  What’s the difference between a hustler and a professional?  What you think?

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

"I Love Girls, Girls, Girls, Girls. Girls I do Adore..."

As men, one of the things we like to spend our time doing is categorizing. We put everything into categories from our sports, to our music to our women. I’ve gotten to know my fair share of women in my life, so in today’s post I want to discuss 5 archetypical women I’ve known and adored, but with whom I could never build a successful long term relationship.

I'm sayin Ang, can we just chill tonight baby?

5. The Activist

Back in my more militant days, I used to daydream about what it would be like to date a woman who shared my desire to overthrow the powers that be and create a country where equality of opportunity wasn’t just a goal, but a fundamental characteristic.  In my daydreams, we’d sit around discussing the politics of the day, analyzing where the president was failing and what we needed to do to get him on track. We’d lay in the bed, our brown skin intertwining into infinity as incense burned and Little Brother plays.  When injustice, like this Troy Davis execution occurred, we wouldn’t be protesting on twitter, we’d be in Atlanta chaining ourselves to a fence somewhere.  But then I remember how in reality, I’m probably not as militant as I think I am. I like nice things, things only afforded in capitalist societies. Capitalism is so not revolutionary. I think about how little of my time is spent actually doing activist type stuff, and how much of my time is spent pursuing my own personal, selfish interests. The truth is, if I dated someone who was seriously ’bout that activist life, we probably wouldn’t get along so well. To her, I’d  be a sell-out.

"Only Thing Wrong With Her She's Always on the Scene"

4. Got Damn She’s Fine But She Party All The Time

Another woman I’m fond of in fantasy is the super high maintenance, perpetually glammed out party girl. She’s the “it” girl. The girl who’s at all the parties, always on the scene and always looking absolutely fabulous. What I love about this type of woman is that in my mind, she’s always on. Never a dull moment. We can go to all the openings of the all the best new clubs, restaurants and lounges. We hit the city like J and B with “All of The Lights” playing as we enter all the dopest spots. In reality, I’m totality incompatible with the chick who’s always on the scene. Firstly, I’m not a dude who likes to always be out and about. I like parties, but I also like ordering in and reacquainting myself with a Spike Lee joint I haven’t watched in a bit. Next, I’m doing aiight, but I’m not at Zuckerberg status just yet … popping bottles and being at all the best spots costs bread … bread that at this point could be used elsewhere.

3. Lights Please

“She Said it’s o.k. rubbed my head and told me to relax, laid a n*gga down proper like she was recording tracks, said I know you wanna change the world but for the night please, just reach over and hit the lights please.”

Wise words from a decent man – the homey J. Cole. This song inspired this post. In this joint, Coley Cole writes my life as he discusses a relationship with a woman who, as it relates to her dealings with him, has no interest in anything besides sex. The idea of a woman who’s only interested in boning is so awesome in fantasy, but in reality there’s no way to really make that work for the long haul. I might not be Malcolm X, but I’m also not completely disinterested in what’s going on in the world outside my window. I be havin’ deep thoughts and ish. Sometimes I need to let those go and if every time I want to discuss something of substance my woman is telling me to turn out the lights – we’re not going to work.

"Can You Iron Both Shirts For Me?"

2. The Homemaker

The idea of having a woman whose only goal in life is to make my home situation as comfortable as possible seems amazing. I picture myself coming home to the smell of almost ready food in the kitchen, ESPN on the T.V. and a freshly made Old Fashioned on the coffee table. I kick off my shoes(without ever planning to put them away), as my woman massages my shoulders. In truth, I couldn’t be with a home maker for a number of reasons. First, I don’t want to be the only human contact my woman has 5 out of the 7 days in a typical week. When you’re the only person they get to talk it’s almost impossible for them to not go crazy telling you all about every moment of their day. You’re responsible for the bulk of their mental stimulation, so they’re going to tell you about every episode of SVU they watched, every news item that piqued their interest, and every other single thought they had throughout the course of the day. In addition to that, I like my woman to have personal ambition. I like her to have career goals of her own, material and non-material desires of her own, and most importantly close friends and acquaintances of her own. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problems with homemakers – I just don’t think I could ever be with one.

"Troy Davis deserved to what???"

1. The White Girl

I’m not against interracial relationships. I think that if two people find a way to make each other happy they should pursue that happiness for as long as they possibly can. In theory, it seems like it’d be awesome for me to be with a white woman. Much of my world-view is shaped by the fact that I identify myself as a black man. Being with someone of a different race, in theory would provide endless of amounts of interesting conversation, banter and access to a perspective I don’t often get a chance to experience personally. In truth though, I could never be with a white person. I value my blackness too much. Not only could I never be with a white person, I probably could never be with a black person who didn’t appreciate their blackness the same way I do. I just love being black and I love being around black people.

But that’s just me. What about you guys? Fellas, have you dated any women that fit into the categories I’ve described above. Or, have you dated a woman who, on the surface seemed awesome but turned out to not be so awesome? Do you fantasize about certain types of women despite knowing you won’t ever be able to be with them? Ladies what about you? Ever thought it might be sexy to be with a drug dealer, or a super hood type dude – or maybe you’ve actually been there and done that? What was it like? What about a white guy, or a musician or some other archetypical male? Who are the guys you dream despite knowing it would probably never, ever work?

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

 

Let's be clear, I ain't saying she's a gold digger...

In the past month a few things have happened, three to be exact; the NFL Lockout ended, all of our enemies are officially “non-muthaf*cking factors”, and the reunion episode of Basketball Wives has aired.  Your first question is, “What does the lockout have to do with anything?” It’s fairly simple, after the NBA Finals ends, every man, every real man immediately stops watching basketball and turns his eyes to the upcoming NFL season.  That includes a heavy analysis of the NFL Draft, Offseason workouts, and ranking your fantasy football players in preparation of the Fantasy draft in August.  Well, with the lockout most men didn’t have a thing to focus on, we were helplessly pandering for something to do with that spare time.  I knew almost immediately that without any real sports to watch many men would fall victim to the fact that in the strangest and rarest happenings involving a man and a woman, the woman could finally “have the remote.” Personally, I decided to figure out what everyone was talking about on Twitter and finally check out some of these shows that flood our Timelines; Basketball Wives, Mob Wives and Single Ladies.  Don’t judge me, offer me an alternative.

In dedication to Basketball Wives and because it’s shot in Miami, DJ Carver the Great blesses us again with, I Bet That B*tch Look Better Red, the Miami-themed Mixtape:

Immediately upon watching one episode of Basketball Wives I said, “Damn Evelyn is easy on the eyes and has that accent thing going.” Three episodes later, I tweeted, “The only way this thing works is because Evelyn Lozada is beautiful.” I hit up a friend who is a faithful watcher and she said, “I don’t think she’s cute at all, plus she’s been around the block.” I didn’t agree, but my response was, “That don’t matter to nobody but women.” Well, what did I mean by that?  It’s simple, “basic broads” ask questions like, “What does Chad see in Evelyn?” Not a single man has ever wondered that, he’s either known or he didn’t care all that much.  Furthermore, a woman on her own grind is more focused on the step ahead, than Basketball Wives Season 3.  I mean, listen to yourselves, when someone asks you who the show is about, you sound like DMX; “Meeka, Juli, Suzie, and Ashley. Shaunie, Evelyn, Jennifer and Royce, a chick named Kim, Gloria and Roman.” I couldn’t keep up…  What I realized after watching a number of episodes of Basketball Wives is that Evelyn Lozada’s life is the fuel that pushes this show foward; love her or hate her, she is the reason we all watch. Then I had to ask myself, why? Why are we all so interested in this moderately attractive, moderately intelligent ex girlfriend of a b-list basketball player with a reputation for sleeping around. I’ve come up with 5 reasons.

1) By most men’s standards — she’s “pretty”

All those under the power of my voice, [passes out chill pills], take two of those, breath, stretch, shake, let it go.  Evelyn is the prototype for pretty.  She’s fair skinned, she’s got that long hair, she’s google fine. (A lot of people didn’t get this, google fine means men will go on the internet just to get pictures of you and stare at them.) However attractive you think Evelyn is, it’s always up for discussion.  You can ask one dude and he’s like, “She’s the toughest one on there.” You can ask another dude and he’s like, “She looks like the predator.” In all honesty, in the Dr. J’s rating system of women on the sole basis of looks, she can be rated no higher than 8.  Not perfect, not only a blemish, pretty, but there is dissention on her standing.  So to me she may be an 8, to another man she may not be, but we can all agree, the majority of men who are mystified by fair skin, long hair and a Spanish accent think she’s “pretty.”

2) She’s mastered the Art of “#youfirst”

I always liked watching Rev’s House because of Vanessa Simmons, she had the inexplicable ability to let Angela do ALL the work and then come in at the end and take half the credit.  If you want to sum up, Vanessa and Angela’s relationship in a sentence it would be, Vanessa said, “Daddy’s rich, I don’t know why you want to do all that work, but cool, do that and I’ll just show up and be pretty.” Evelyn got some of that in her too.  To be honest with you, it’s because her fame is driven by the men she’s dated and that’s the source of her notoriety, she’s let a man do all the legwork of “How to Make it In America.” She didn’t spend hours in a gym shooting the jumpers, she didn’t spend two-a-days in the gym trying to “get big”, and she didn’t have to build a network from scratch.  She has had a few men in privileged positions do all that work for her.  She just seized the opportunity after the dirty work was done.

3) She’s willing to sacrifice the pie, for the cake

Most women do not have the quan to date a man like Chad.  I don’t know Chad, he seems like a pretty standup guy, but he is a professional athlete and there’s some baggage that goes with that.  We don’t have to name all of that baggage, let’s skip to the main one, “inconceivable access to hoes.” Whether he’s dipping out or not, Evelyn has to know that the possibilities are high.  And it’s better to assume that he is dipping out, than to not assume and end up being surprised by a random paternity suit in the mail.  Evelyn has mastered the ability of “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” The US military rocked out on this strategy for years, fought wars, and won; Evelyn took a hot line and made it a hot song.  She’s managed to somehow sacrifice a slice of pie (cheating) for the big picture (the man).  And as Katt Williams said, “Some of y’all ladies is looking for a 100% good n*gga, and I had a meeting with all these n*ggas in attendance tonight and established that there is no such a n*gga. So stop looking for him. Some of y’all had a 98% good n*gga and y’all got rid of him for 2%. Now you sitting next to a 71% n*gga hoping he upgrade. – You got rid of him for 2%, cause he cheated on you, a little f*cking 2%.”

4) Her strength cometh from the Loin

Wait a minute, before we get any further do not think for ONE SECOND that Evelyn does not have Uranium between her legs and what did we say in our SBM past, “Any man who is interested in world domination and power knows that he needs some Uranium.” In my head, I imagine that being Evelyn Lozada is like … is like … (I’m trying to capture the equivalent scene for what perfection in bed would be for a man) – It’s probably like being at a Jay-Z concert, where Lil’ Wayne was the opening act, Monday Night Football is playing on the big screen as the Lakers are winning the NBA Championship and a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader is whispering in your ear “the royal penis is clean your highness.” I think I speak for all men in attendance today when I say that Uranium can only be described as, “Makes you want to reach out and grab something that only you can feel.” So yes, please believe me, Evelyn keeps her man satisfied in ways that HE wants to be satisfied.  You won’t see her talmbout, “What did you ask me?  You better go get your mommy to suck your d*ck!” She’s one of those who goes at it with the conviction of a project chick, and grace of a goddess. “This is for the ones who wobble it and be putting they mouth on it, and they suck everything out of it then they catch it and swallow it.”

5) She’s a Spartan, and she knows how to hit her mark

Here’s something about high-profile men that you need to know; they are extremely competitive.  Evelyn has done a tremendous job with her past, she’s put herself on a level that men view her as a fine art.  Fine art is the perfect way analogy.  Fine art has had many owners, but it doesn’t matter who’s had it, it only matters who has it now.  Most heard I was writing this article and he said, “Jay you need more examples.” And I replied, “I got it from here Most, damn…”

There’s Nicole Murphy, Tracey Edmunds, Demi Moore and Pamela Anderson.  These women can pull a guy off of who they’ve been with, because they are all less significant than all the men they’ve dated.  You may argue Demi Moore, but I’ll preemptively tell you that at the time she was dating Bruce Willis, he outdid her, and now that she’s dating Ashton, he’s outdoing her.  So in a lot of ways, you’ve got to credit that Evelyn’s got the ability to target high-profile men, hook them and hook them when they are already under the premise that someone else of a high-profile stature has been with them previously.  Now that’s the Quan.

Wait, a second though, the real question you should ask yourself is, “why do you care?”

You care because women are inquisitive.  Here’s why you shouldn’t care and you don’t really need to know anything about Evelyn Lozada: All of you here reading SBM today will go on to lead normal if not exceptional lives.  You’re all phenomenal in your own right.  You don’t need a “baller” to complete you, to make you, or to even associate with.  You’ll be the ones who go out and get your own.  Therefore, you’re not part of the “basic b*tch” family who is more concerned about how they can emulate Evelyn, than acknowledging that they don’t have to.  The other reason is because Evelyn doesn’t care what anyone else thinks of her.  She had a good friend give her some constructive criticism and her response, “You are a non-motherf*cking factor!” She definitely doesn’t care what you have to say.

BUT, most important is this from a close female friend of mine whom I love very dearly, “But back to women who date high profile men, none of those relationships are ever monogamous.  There are two types; men who lie and men who don’t.  Men who lie will tell you they love you, introduce you to they mama and girlfriends of their teammates.  Men who don’t will only call you at 3AM, never take you out to dinner and tell you all about their girlfriend.  So the true differentiation is that Evelyn Lozada is the type of chick men want to lie to so she doesn’t go anywhere — at the end of the day, she’s not really winning.  However, when you compare her to the chicks that Ocho is with when he called Evelyn on the phone to say goodnight, she’s winning — but in life, not winning.”

- Dr. J

More information about “I Bet That B*tch Look Better Red”: Tracklist: 1. Best I Thing I Never Had by Beyonce, 2. Novacane by Frank Ocean, 3. Out Of My Head by Lupe & Trey Songz, 4. All I Want Is You by J. Cole, 5. Up All Night by Drake, 6. Did It On Em by Nicki, 7. She Will by Lil Wayne, 8. Headlines by Drake, 9. Bananas by Ray J, 10. Take It Down Low by Akon & Chris Brown, 11. Down On Me by 50 Cent & Jeremih, 12. She Wanna Have My Baby by Game & Trey Songz, 13. Livin Better Now by Jamie Foxx & Rick Ross

*Admin Note*

Save the Date! Next Wednesday, August 31, 2011 – The SBM Fam will be hosting Happy Hour at NYC’s Hudson Hotel from 6-10pm, please RSVP to rsvp@singleblackmale.org for further information and confirmation.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

A while back, I was asked by a website (which will remain nameless) with a predominately African American audience to write a post about why I find black women beautiful. I passed on that unpaid opportunity. Not because I don’t think black women are beautiful, they are. I passed because the idea of dedicating an entire post to explaining why black women are beautiful seemed ridiculous to me. It felt like I would be stating the obvious. Why would I need to remind black women they are beautiful when seeing and accepting black women as beautiful is as natural to me as informing someone the sky is blue?

But, maybe I was wrong.

Until I started writing for predominately black websites I truly underestimated the color plight both internal and external to the black community. I was passively aware of it but it wasn’t until I was fully immersed in the comments and blogs written by and for (mostly) black consumption that I realized, stated bluntly, black people have a lot of damn issues. Least of which is our color complex.

When I say “black women are beautiful” I am describing all black women. All shapes, sizes, hairstyles and skin tones. I say this with minimal effort because it’s a fact to me. It occurs as naturally as breathing. Because it can’t be said enough, I’ll say it again, black women are beautiful.

Still, I will admit that one of the difficulties I had in writing the requested post was I couldn’t adequately segregate what I found beautiful about black women specifically. You see, I find women beautiful period. I also believe all women naturally go through issues that are unique to women. However, I did not find these difficulties unique to black women. Granted, I am not a black woman and I will readily accept that I am not privy to the unique difficulties which may be experienced solely by black women.

Additionally, because of the beauty encompassed in all the various shades and features of black women, I could not sufficiently quantify the sole qualities I found beautiful within black women and black women alone. In other words, in describing the beautiful attributes of black women, I would be essentially explaining the beauty of women. Frankly, to me, women are beautiful but that’s not what you came here to read today.

The comments on Dr. J’s post highlighted many of the issues I see when witnessing black women’s interactions within their own sex and beyond. Nevertheless, if the following do not apply to you, then they are not meant for you and you should move on with your life amicably.

1) Light Skin v. Dark Skin. I genuinely do not understand how a light or a dark skin woman/man, who identifies themselves as black, can so eagerly disrespect another man/woman who identifies themselves as black because of their skin tone. None of us had a say in choosing our skin tone. None. Specific to today’s topic though, I will never understand how a woman can claim to be pro-black then turn around and define what black is while leaving out whole swathes of the same race of women you claim to be defending. This doesn’t make sense.

2) The “European Complex.” You cannot say if a dark skin male finds a light skin female attractive he has a color complex as defined by this alleged “European Standard” which if it does exist – and I’m not saying it doesn’t – would affect everyone INCLUDING EUROPEANS WHO DO NOT LIVE UP TO SAID STANDARD, but if a light skin female finds a dark skin male attractive, that’s how it should be. This is an inherently flawed and blatantly contradictory logic. This doesn’t make sense.

3) You cannot add using division. Defining what is black automatically discriminates against black people that do not meet your often made up and increasingly fluid standard. It would behoove black women (and the black community as a whole) to move away from this toxic mindset as quick as possible. All black people are not from Africa and many of you have never been, have no plans to go, and are so far removed from African heritage you can’t name a place in Africa that wasn’t in an infomercial you saw on BET. If black is beautiful, then accept that black is indeed beautiful in all its various complexions. More importantly, accept all that would like to be a part of that beauty and would embrace it with equal measure if only you would allow them to do so. This makes sense.

——————-

As a young black man masquerading as an all knowing grown black male writer, I sometimes feel I’m at a disadvantage. Having had a positive black role model in my life, my father, and an equally positive black woman in my life, my mother, I honestly cannot relate to some of the visceral comments/blogs I read on the Internet when it comes to black male and female relations. To a point, it saddens me that I even have to affirm something as apparent as the fact that black women are beautiful. Well, duh! But, if it needs to be said, it needs to be said. Truth is, I don’t have as much of a problem saying it as I do with the fact that it needs to be said at all.

Maybe that is the real problem…

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from wisdomismisery.

There's only but a few words that can be used to describe how waking up to this every morning would feel.

I never understood why they send kids to those “camps” when it seems like they might be gay growing up. I imagine that it’s a bunch of people all sitting around you praying and telling you who you should be. The church is good for that type of behavior. Well, last week I think I was accidentally sent to a camp. No I’m not gay, but I’ve got some issues with my preferences. Bear with me, I’m going to really be honest and real for a second about some stuff that has happened in my past. To be perfectly honest with you, I believe in preferences, I believe in types and I believe in complexes. Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m not attracted to short hair. Or so I thought. If someone mentions to me, “I’m thinking about cutting my hair.” My first response is always, “Don’t cut your hair, leave your hair alone.” I could not even be dating this girl, that’s just how I feel. Now I am well aware that you can NOT prefer women with short hair, but you can never, never, never, NEVER tell a Black woman what to do with her hair. And I admit, yes I do know some people who can pull off a short hairdo with no problems and still look attractive doing it. But with the exception of Cassie (who can do whatever she wants to do), when a woman cuts her hair, I immediately slide her into a box that says, “She’s cute, but I probably will never desire to date her.”

What I am about to say I need all of you to read very slowly and carefully… If you skim over this part you’ll end up hating me forever and totally misunderstanding me.

A man should always look back over his dating history to see if there are any patterns worth noting. From time to time I do this and I notice that the gross majority of women that I’ve dated have been light skinned or Latinas. I’m not bragging about this, I’m just making an assessment. Over the course of my life, I’ve dated women of all complexions and races. In fact, there’s a story about this race thing and myself worth telling, but this is not the time or place. Let’s just put it this way, I don’t discriminate. It’s not something that I’m proud of at times because I can show up to an event with a date and she may be brown skinned and my friends, female friends will say, “What are you doing with her? You do NOT find her attractive.” This upsets me. Mainly because if I choose to have a girl on my arm then I must find her attractive, but let’s just say I don’t have the most supportive environment. The point I’m trying to make here is this, if you were trying to predict what type of girl that I would be attracted to, as I’m sure most of you have done or are doing right now it would be, a light skin or Latina girl with long hair. I’m actually cool with that. Here’s how I know I don’t have a complex, while that’s not ALWAYS true, I’m not mad about it, if I had a complex i’d always defend myself to the death. It’s like when women say to a man, “You only like those pretty girls.” I’m not sure how to take that, so I just walk away quietly so not to cause a disturbance. Anyway, I don’t get mad because most people haven’t seen all the women I’ve dated and they single out certain occurrences and create this persona. I joked my senior year of college that I would love to get a copy of, The Autobiography of Jay’s Life, written by someone other than me.

So last week I was MIA because I was stuck in the deep South. I appreciate all the love you guys showed me on my post last week, I wasn’t around during the day to actually comment, but it seems like y’all enjoyed. Thinking back on last week I have drawn a few conclusions about what happened to me in the deep South.

1) Be careful when you’re on travel with people who are not of your race in the Deep South. If you are sitting in a restaurant and you see a spot on the wall where the paint looks a little bit more fresh than the rest. That’s probably where the “No Coloreds Allowed” sign used to reside.

2) I won’t call any names, but the person who writes Red’s World and How She Exists In It… put a curse on me. She recently got a new haircut and asked me what I thought. I told her, “You know people who are beautiful can do whatever they want with their hair, I’m sure you’re still turning heads.” She thought I was lying and just being nice, but I wasn’t. Nonetheless she put a curse on me and it probably sounded like, “Till you do right by the short haired girl, everything you think is going to crumble.”

3) The Deep South is the “camp” where men who tend not to date women with short hair go to get straightened out.

This part of my life is called, “When a boy from DC goes to the Deep South and can’t stop staring.”

It sort of all happened very fast and it was very surreal. We entered a restaurant for some of that good BBQ that you can only get in the South and I noticed that our waitress was sporting a short haircut and she was as brown as a Snickers bar.

Wait, 4) A southern accent will change your perspective on everything.

So as she seated us and took our drink order I looked at my coworker and said, “You know I thought coming to the middle of nowhere that the women wouldn’t be all that attractive, but THIS PLACE ROCKS.” I couldn’t stop staring at this girl and I found anyway to keep her at our table. I may have drank 8 glasses of water at dinner just to keep her coming back. And of course, I had plenty of questions to ask about the menu. End scene.

The next day in the office I started to notice some of the people who worked there. Almost immediately upon walking through security I broke my neck at this Hennessy colored girl who walked by and mystified me. I thought to myself, “Mental note, leave business card with her after interview.” And I would have but my teammate didn’t have his and I didn’t want it to be awkward. I always feel like a business card is not really me trying to talk to a girl, it’s more of my way of saying, “I see what you’re doing and I like it, here’s a piece of me, should you ever be in need.” The funny thing about this is, people in the South are so nice, because in DC if you try and give a girl your business card, you will get your ass cussed out. End scene.

When I get to my hotel on one of our long days at the office, I walk in and I’m met by this beautiful sister who had the brightest smile I have ever seen in my life. She asked me, “How was your day, is there anything I can do for you today?” I had a few things in mind, but I just responded, “Nah sister, you’re doing everything you can for me right now with that smile.” It suddenly dawned on me that Black men only break out the word “sister” when they mean business. It’s how you seal the deal with a Black woman. You can say, “Damn you got a fat ass” or “Hey you in the blue” or my personal favorite, “Your feet must be tired because you been running through my mind ALL DAY”, but none of those work as well as, “How you doing today sister?” I went up to my room and then went back downstairs to work in the bar area which had a perfect view of the front desk and my Cherry Oak colored crush. While sitting here trying to concentrate on finishing up some notes, and sipping a Stella (Did y’all know that Embassy Suites has a free happy hour everyday from 5:30 to 7:30?!), I heard something go off in my head.

“The doors of the Church are now open.”

I stopped and I looked around because I’ve heard this before but never really thought it applied to me. But it was at this moment that I started to cry, scratch that, I mentally thought about crying. I sat there staring upon this beautiful woman and I thought to myself, “What have I been doing all my life?” I needed to have explored more of these brown skin girls. You could say I caught The Holy Ghost for Short Haired Brown Girls. I kept my composure and played what I would describe as the National Anthem for my time in the South. India Arie, Acoustic Soul, Track #4.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.