M Dot: SBM. I got this brand new theory for you.
SBM: Do tell …
MD: Dating older guys are the key. They have gotten the clubbing and the women out their system, and their ready to settle down.
SBM: You sure about that …
MD: I mean yeah … of course. It makes sense.
SBM: Yeah, but haven’t you seen those older guys in the club. You think the 42 year old & single guy buying college seniors drinks is ready to settle down?
MD: Yeah … he’s got a biological clock doesn’t he?
SBM: *burries face in hands*

When I was younger, I spent a lot of time thinking about what was the perfect age of women I should target. If I went too young, I would have to deal with youthful nonsense, an altered view of dating, and a lack of experience. With a 25 year old woman, I might find something I liked, but who knows if she was in that “my career is everything” stage of her life. As you got close to 30, the marriage thirst g0t serious. Nothing worst then dating a woman who drops wedding magazines around your house. Post 30 was a sweet spot … beaten up by the lack of marriage, comfortable with herself, and lowered expectations (don’t be mad at me … accept it).

Basically, when it comes to age … I can stereotype women. The biological clock starts ticking, the mom starts asking about the ringless finger, and women start dreaming of a wedding. It’s predictable and the marrying age for women is set in stone. Once that age hits, she is ready to get married. She may not be married, she may have given up on marriage, but she 100% without doubt wants a husband (divorced doesn’t count … she already had one). End of story.

Men, for once, are more complicated. Men seem to get married all over the place, or never. With Black Men still winning, some are really taking advantage of the situation. Every man has picked an age range to get married. It could be 18, it could be 58 … every guy is different.

Think about it …

We all know someone who has gotten married at the “expected age”. Met their girl a little after college, stayed with her for a few years, then made a real woman out of her. Mid twenties marriage … just like our parents (well … maybe “thier” parents moreso then ours). They had a kid before 30 and things just sounded like something out of a sitcom. He set his internal age, entered “marriage mode”, and found his girl.

But then you went to the club later that night. You saw that 50 year old brother eyeballing every 20 something that walked near him. You know this guy (he’s “that” uncle). Has no plans to get married, loves the game , and can pick up girls half his age with ease.

Marriage Mode

When a man has decided he is ready for marriage, he enters marriage mode. They way he thinks about women and relationships changes.  Suddenly the allure of the game is less appealing.  The club might not be as fun. Intelligent conversation might actually matter again.  And the days of dating 8 months before you get a title are gone. Either you are in wifey consideration … or your dead.  It’s just like W.I.M. said yesterday , at this point dating more than 12 months without commitment is a waste of a woman’s time. He hasn’t hit the age and he isn’t in Marriage mode.

The decision to get married is a lot more personal and varied for  men than women. For any woman trying to date or get married, look for the signs … don’t try and force it … cause it doesn’t work!

What is your marrying age? How can you tell if a man is close to his marrying age or not? Believe in marriage mode?

- SBM aka “I hit my age” aka “Texas was hot as hell”

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from SBM.

Somehow, We Always Come Out Of the Woodwork

We’ve all been there. We’ve all had relationships that felt great, that met our needs at the time, that made us feel fulfilled and happy, but also ended so horribly that the idea of post-breakup communication was out of the question. Then, months, or years later, something happens. It’s almost inevitable.  Because we men are creatures of habit and because we can’t let you women just move on, there’s a good chance that at some point we pop up and try to reinsert ourselves into your lives.  We do damage, leave …  and then we reappear.

Any good detective will tell you that criminals who are guilty can’t help but return to the scene of the crime; neither can we. When we know we’ve done wrong it’s in our nature to reappear for a number of reasons.

Sometimes we want to show you that we’ve changed, and are better people.

In this case, because we’re not trying to get back together with the woman, this is a ridiculously selfish reason to come back into her life. The guilt of what we’ve done is so affecting that we want you to know that we aren’t really that person any longer or that we never really were that person. We want you to see us for who we are and to know that we’re not the douche-bag we pretended to be when we were with you. In reality, we’re really great people – really – we are – our current girlfriends can attest – we really have changed. I’m sure that makes you guys feel great – knowing that you were the only person capable of bringing out the worst in us. Knowing that we’re not really interested in what you had to go through to heal or in knowing how you’ve moved on, all we want is to be able to sleep peacefully at night knowing that you know it wasn’t us now, it was us at that time in our lives or, it wasn’t us at all, it was you (don’t worry we forgive you). Or it wasn’t us, nor was it you, it was just the ‘we’, that brought that out. Either way, if this is why we’re reappearing, it’s probably best if we just stay gone.

Sometimes we want to see whether or not you’ve changed.

Contrary to popular belief, we men are human. We do catch the vapors every once in awhile. The only thing better than meeting an awesome new woman is meeting an old girlfriend who now seems way more awesome than she was when you were with her. I’m sure social networking sites like facebook go a long way in exacerbating this. An old flame uploads new pictures and, voila, her phone turns into the “hey, it’s me, it’s been a minute…” hotline. When we’re interested in getting to know the new you our interest is not genuine. It’s more of a novelty. We want to prove to ourselves, and to you, that we didn’t make a mistake the first time around. That you’re not really that different, that the thing about you that always annoyed us is still there just below the glossy airbrushed surface of your new professionally taken profile pic. We want to find out whether you’ve been doing hella squats and that’s all you back there or whether that’s just an awesome camera angle. We want to know if that nonchalant confidence you exuded when you jetted off after briefly chatting with us when we bumped into you on the street was actually real confidence or the product of many-a-night spent practicing everything you’d say and do should you happen to randomly run into us somewhere. Again, if this is why we’re coming back, it’s selfish and we might as well stay gone.

Sometimes we’re just being manipulative.

Here’s a secret about some of us men I probably shouldn’t be telling. Sometimes, we just want control. Many of us went through a period in our lives where our most valuable talent was our ability to exert an unhealthy amount of control over the women we were dealing with. The thing about having that sort of control is that it makes it impossible to build any sort of lasting relationship. If we can control you, we can’t respect you. We can pretend to, but, in reality we don’t. The two things women reading this should take from this point are:

1) Never let a man have full control over you unless that man has married you.

2) If a man who once had that sort of control over you reappears, we probably just want to see if we still have it.

Be honest with yourself. If you’re unsure of whether or not you really are free, then when we come back, you need to run. Just run. Don’t be embarrassed, don’t try to prove to us that you’re free, just run the other way because you’re about to go through that same thing you went through all that time ago. I wish we weren’t this way, but sometimes, some of us are.

Sometimes, we realize what we’ve lost and are ready to be whatever we need to be to get it back.

Of all of the reasons a man might reappear, this is the most rare. Sometimes, without us really realizing, a woman can carve out a perfectly round little space in our hearts and lives. We leave her, thinking she’ll be the only one who experiences any loss, but, really, we lose too. Try as we may to fill that spot she left with the square pegs of another woman or of other women, there’s always a certain amount of emptiness that remains. And maybe one day we wake up and decide we’re going to give it another go. All we can do is reappear and hope our spot is still reserved.

Some say “all’s fair in love and war” and I agree to a certain extent, however, the fact that all is fair, doesn’t always mean all is right. As men, I think we sometimes have to take responsibility for the damage we’ve done and respect the fact that our women are entitled to rebuild themselves in whatever way they see fit.  We also have to be responsible about how we decide to return to their lives. We have to think about whether we are returning because we think we can ‘help’ them, whether we’re returning because of our own selfish motives, or whether we’re returning because we think there might be a real chance at a lasting “we” this time.

Fellas, have you ever popped back into the life of a woman you’d been with previously? How did things turn out the first time and how did things turn out the second time around? Ladies, have you experienced any of the above scenarios, or maybe one I’ve missed?  How do you approach rekindling old flames?  As always, feel free to over-share in the comments.

Lastly, I want to thank everyone for downloading my novella Secrets Discovered In Memoriam. The feedback has been amazing and I truly appreciate you all. If you’ve emailed me sharing your thoughts, and I haven’t got back to you, don’t worry, soon come. If you haven’t downloaded it yet, you can check it out here: Secrets Discovered In Memoriam (right click -> open new window).

The summer’s bout to get hot, when it does, you know what to do… stay low and keep firing…

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Mr. Spradley.

A man asks for his space and now it's the silent treatment.

I had just finished dropping some groceries off at my grandmother’s house when I said in frustration, “I actually have to get going because I got a million errands to run today, I’m about to take my phone home and leave it there.”  The only part that was frustration was the fact that I didn’t have a million errands, probably had closer to like four.  The problem with those errands is they had nothing to do with me.  But sensing that frustration my grandmother responded, “OK, I’ll let your mother know.”  Funny right?  My family actually has gotten used to all the things that I do to assert my independence and privacy.  Would you have realistically ever thought that in 2011 a person with no house phone or “black” phone would be able to get away with leaving their phone home on a Saturday?

Go Dr. J:

A few things about me; I’m an only child, and although I love the company of other people, outside of hanging out with those people who I can truly be myself with (and that’s only two people), I love my personal time a lot more.  I could give you tons of reasons why I am the way I am, but I thought that would be too cliché, so I thought it would be more thought-provoking to talk about the need to take personal time in certain situations.

With Family – This may surprise some, but being an only child typically means that it’s always you and your family.  Well, the complicating factor is that I’m the only man in my immediate family.  Most of the women in my family are divorced or their husbands have passed.  This can be overwhelming because you end up being the man in all of their lives.  Therefore, from time to time, I feel the need to get away from all of it and just spend time away from the pressures of being the husband, son and handyman of about twelve women.  

With Friends – As an only child I’ve learned that you are expected to be social when around people.  This is probably why I enjoy being around strangers so much.  It’s the perfect opportunity to just stop and be quiet for a while.  I love to take advantage of that time, but when I’m with my friends they tend to look to me for excitement.  Honestly, in real life I’m much more reserved and tend to take breaks from hanging out with friends to spend time alone being me.  

With Coworkers – Coworkers are NOSY as hell.  I know that everyone means well, but they will nag you on end for details about your personal life.  I know that they don’t have a problem sharing information about their marriages, homes or children, but I need to keep them at a distance from that part of my life.  Funny story, my fake baby mother at work came to me one day and said, “Ladies at work are starting to wonder things because you don’t talk to any of them.”  Actually one of them started this rumor because I literally just did not want to hang out with a female coworker outside of work, but she was convinced we should “hang” out.  Anyway, I responded, “Let them, they don’t need to be that close to me.”  I’ll probably never understand why people spend every day from 9-5 with you and then turn around and want to spend more time with you. 

With Routine – Routine is a double edged sword.  Many people probably sleep on the same side of the bed each night, they probably roll out of the same side too.  Most people have their ways and they are stuck in them.  But you will become too monotonous if you never take a break from your routine.  My mother has the exact same ritual every day when she comes home.  She picks up the mail, goes into the kitchen, rinses out her water bottle, sits down at the kitchen table and starts going through mail.  As a kid, I started messing with her by putting the mail in random places to see if she would open it elsewhere.  She never did though, I could put that mail on the moon and she’d bring it back to the kitchen table.  I just couldn’t imagine going through years of my life doing the same thing every day.  At times, I go a different way to work or leave my cell phone at home, just to avoid routine. 

I got to run — Most, come alive in the summertime!

Most:

Besides all of the above, one of the biggest ways in which Only Child Syndrome effects people is when it comes to romantic relationships. When it comes to romantic relationships, being an only child can dictate a great deal. My experience is similar to Jax’s except, I’m not an only child, I just grew up as one. Like him, I grew up around a bunch of women, and like him, I was the primary male in their lives. There are a couple positives that came from this unique set of circumstances:

Maturity – When you’ve grown up an only child you have an increased ability to listen and understand what people need. As an only child, particularly if, like Jax and I, you’re surrounded by women, you get lots of attention from the adults around you. Instead of always being treating as one of the kids, you eventually get to the point where the adults accept you as one of them. They share with you things adults wouldn’t normally share with children and you gain a certain sense of maturity not typically ascribed to those of your peer group. 

Self-Sufficiency – When you’re an only child, a great deal of your time is spent alone, so you become an expert at entertaining yourself. I remember sitting up in my room as a child creating whole worlds of fantasy. I had an immaculate toy collection that included 12 inch versions of each of the X-Men and the primary X-Men villains. You can’t imagine the mutant universe I created. The comic book plots I acted out … I’m getting on a tangent. The point is, being an only child I was forced to learn to enjoy quiet moments spent with myself. I was forced to think outside of the box and I was forced to solve problems on my own.  This can be great in relationships because your happiness is never dependent on your partner. 

The other side of the coin is that sometimes, being an only child can be a bit damaging. For example: 

My way or the highway – As kids, your parent’s pretty much rule the world, there are very few decisions you really get to make on your own. But, when you’re an only child and those rare situations arise, you get to make those decisions without having to consider the feelings or desires of anyone else. Over time, you kinda get used to that and it can be a difficult adjustment when in a relationship. The idea of considering someone else in your decision making is often foreign to an only child. (Dr. J – This leads many only children to be leaders in their environments.  If you’ve ever seen Godfather II, watch the way Michael Corleone was raised, he was practically an only child.)

Please – leave me alone! – When my wife comes home from work, she tells me about her day. When I say she tells me about her day, I mean, she walks me through each and every event that took place from the moment she walked out the house. Her day and the amount she wants to talk have a correlative relationship. The worse her day, the more she wants the talk. She’s a twin – makes sense. Me, it’s the opposite. If I had a really really bad day, I don’t want a hug, I don’t want consoling, all I want is for you to leave me alone. Some of this is just personality differences, but a big part of it is born out of being an only child. As an only child, I always had to work though my own issues. The adults were too busy being adults to worry about my kid problems as a result … I needs my space – unless you’re trying to crush. In which case, an exception can be made. But after we’re done, gimme my space back – I’m still stressed and need to think things through.  (Dr. J - *waves church fan*)

SBM Fam, are you an only child? What are some of the more interesting aspects of your personality you directly attribute to the fact that you have no siblings? If you’re not an only child, have you ever dealt with one? What kind of impact did their upbringing have on the relationship? 

NBA finals are over … kinda sucks. Difference between Lebron and Dirk: when sh*t got hot and it didn’t look like he could win with squad that drafted him, Lebron took his talents to South Beach. Dirk, well, Dirk did what you’re supposed to do when the drama pops off… 

stay low and keep firing. 

Young Dr. J baby… and Lower Frequency… SB Money!

If you’re in DC this Friday and Saturday, (June 17^th and 18^th), I want you to check out something.  “Sketches of a Man” is a collection of Monologues featuring 7 different men who have experienced a major event in their lives and how they were forever changed. These are their stories…stories of Love, Passion, and Vengeance!

Dacron, the ladies man who learns the hard way that Karma is real! Nigel, who plots the ultimate revenge! What will he do when given the opportunity?  On that historic day that changed the world, Thaddeus made a decision that put him on a journey to the unknown. A lost and tortured soul, Mason suffered a horrific ordeal as a child and lived to tell about it! A loving father, Xavier turns tragedy into triumph and learns to help others along the way. Corey is pure evil – but he wasn’t always. Find out what changed this boy next door into a monster! And finally Dexter; successful, handsome…he has it all. He will do whatever it takes to maintain the perfect image!

I’ll be there on Friday, get your tickets here: http://www.eventbrite.com/event/1499257319

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

Black don't crack. Guess how old she is.

I was sitting at my desk as I normally do when someone gchats the good Doctor and says, “Hey check this article out.”  I sat there for a few minutes reading this article that Tracy McMillan wrote and I nodded my head to each point.  I was so in tune with each of her points that I began to want to be her fourth husband.  However, once completing the article, I like many of you thought to myself, “This might be the greatest blog of the year.”

Tracy gave six reasons why a woman isn’t married: You’re a b*tch, you’re shallow, you’re a slut, you’re a liar, you’re selfish, and/or you’re not good enough.

If it hadn’t have been a woman this article would not have been as well received, because I cannot tell you how many times men say these same exact things to women on the regular and get the ultimate #nosign.  For some reason, men aren’t smart enough to develop thoughts like these six points that Tracy came up with.  In my mind, I was just thinking, I’ve been saying this to women for years.  If the Get Over It series yielded anything, it was to tell you that. “You’re the reason why you’re in the situation that you’re in.”

What’s so weird to me is that there are so many women who will tell me, (because I’m not sleeping with them), that they have these problems.  However, if you ask any of the ones who I’ve considered dating and decided against it, they won’t admit to any of these.  Yes, I’ve had women tell me to my face, “I’m just too into me right now to want to be married.”  But, those women won’t admit that in public.  Or maybe I should say they’d rather tell you that they are a b*tch rather than you telling them.

It makes me think of this quote by the big homie Kain, “How come whenever you ask me for some money and I don’t have it, you call me a broke n*gga?  Correct me if I’m wrong, but if you’re asking me for money, doesn’t that make you a broke b*tch?”  #iDied.  It’s so true, but what’s also true is that if you ever call a woman, a nagging woman, who is also broke, “a broke b*tch” it might be the last words you ever say.  And I think for that reason that’s why women were more willing to take the words from Tracy than from a man.

I do think there were two reasons that she didn’t talk about; Bad timing and You don’t really want to be married.  It should be noted that a lot of women claim to want to be married, but don’t do anything to put themselves in a position to be married.  I had a conversation with a friend one time and I told her why she should stop going out.  You know in the minds of most women between the ages of 21-27, they aren’t trying to settle down, they want to have fun.  And it doesn’t seem to matter to them when they are told, this may be fun now, but trust me, none of us guys want to marry that girl who was in the club with us during those years.  We want someone who has not been around so much.  But those same women insist that they want to be married one day, but they just don’t show any signs of being able to put themselves in a wifeable situation.  

And then there was bad timing, and I think it should be noted that for some people when your time came, your circumstances didn’t permit you to get married.  I just think of all the women who “date” men into their thirties and then find out he’s not the one for you, or you log into Facebook and find out that he’s engaged.  “But he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship!” Or what about when family gets in the way of your 20s and 30s.  I’ve seen a few instances where someone’s family commitments caused them to lose a real good person in their lives.  Since women are expected to be caretakers and typically end up being the one to take care of an aging relative, they miss out on some things in life.

Anyway, I’m interested to hear the SBM Massive’s thoughts on the article.  I want to say that I’m happy Tracy wrote the article, I thought it was spot on.  I think that anyone who refutes her article is part of the problem.  If that didn’t apply to you, I’m pretty sure you know some people in your circle who it did apply to.  What were your thoughts about the article?  Was it on point?  Do you think she left something out?

Minor note: Tracy McMillan and Terry McMillan are two different people.  I saw someone who went IINNN on her books the other day and I kind of just sat there like, “You ain’t got no clue what you’re talking about.”

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

"See ... your knees don't even hurt!"

Yes … it’s one of those posts!

I know it’s taboo for a black man to badmouth the “Strong Black Woman”.  I mean, it’s done everyday almost, on the internet and in real life, but we will always be given hell for saying anything bad about the SBW.

Well, first and foremost … I love Strong Black Women (generally speaking).

I have always been a fan of independent women.  I love educated women.  I really love black women.  And I love women who have some proper sense of self worth and know how to get sh*t done on their own when it needs to be done.

With all that being said, there are somethings about the stereotypical Strong Black Women that downright scare me.  There are some traits that fill my insides with cold bile and make me want to recoil in horror as I see them do certain things.  There are somethings that are common to many (notice I didn’t say all or majority) of Strong Black Woman that I just can’t stand.  And since it is my turn to express my feelings to the world … let me tell ya about it

***disclaimer***
I highlighted the word stereotypical because it is every woman’s decision whether or not she will fall into the stereotype or not.  Just because you are a SBW, doesn’t mean you have to act like the one portrayed in flawed popular media.  Thank You.
***********

Dresses Me in Her Image

I say this because it has happened to me.  I’m not talking about the person who buys you something that they like to see you wear, or gives you suggestions on what might look good on you.  I’ll even give props to the woman trying to “upgrade” her man’s wardrobe.  But when you have a woman who refuses to go out with you, or throws a temper tantrum when you don’t buy the tie they picked out (she ran out of the store), or refuses to let you dress themselves (these are real stories people) … that’s a problem.

Calls Me “Uncultured”

Those of you who know me know that I do love caviar on water crackers (it’s really good) … but I also love Funyuns with my malt liquor.  I refuse to give up the cheap and low end things I enjoy because of their perceived “classlessness”.  I am a articulate, educated, and well established man who has achieved … stuff, and if I want to listen to Wacka Flaka … I don’t want to be insulted.  I earned the right to go hard in the paint.

Wants me to move into her Single Family House

This one actually deserves a whole post on it’s own.  For whatever reason, there are a healthy amount of land owning women that assume at some point in my life I want to move into their house.  And I don’t mean condo or townhouse, but a real life house with a backyard.  It’s hard to explain exactly why this is emasculating … so I won’t (now).  Just believe me when I guarantee you there are many men who feel like me.

States her Independence every other day

Yes … I know you finished school on your own.  I know you are a partner at your law firm.  I know no one has given you any handouts.  And I know you work harder than most men at your level just to be treated fair.  But honestly, I don’t give a f*ck.  We are dating and I am not interviewing you.  I am not your younger sister looking for motivation in life and I am not Oprah looking to put your story on TV.  I just want some head and to be happy.

Won’t give me head on her knees

Apparently there is a growing group of women who find the act of pleasing their man while on their knees demeaning.  WTF?  When it comes to bedroom antics, suck it up (pun intended) and take one for the team (not intended).  Stop being so proud all your life.

Ok …

Random, yes.  But you know there is truth in my words.  There are a lot of women who run away from the stereotypes listed here, but after having dated more than one women embodying several of these … this is more than just random griping of Black men.

Men: What did I miss?  What other attributes of this mythical SBW exist that I didn’t capture?  Let your pain be heard

Women: Is this you?  Do you agree with one or two things on this list?  Do you have a friend that is this stereotypical creature who is running amok?

- SBM aka “I got some knee pads for ya” aka “You can independently decide to hum on my b*lls!”

P.S. – This isn’t just a black thing!

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from SBM.

As always, I want to hear from any and everybody with thoughts, gripes, and complaints.  My email box is always open at sbm@singleblackmale.net

-SBM
************************

Be on the look out, this is the 3rd installment, in a series of 6.  While, i’m going to take a break to bring you some other material over the next two weeks.  I will be back.  However, I thought that this was a pleasant way to go into intermission.  In this part of the series, I take a concept that we all know from childhood and show how it pertains to our lives today.  What are you hoping to gain when you reach Emerald City, or will you just get over it and obtain it yourself?

No Brain

Dr. J – So what’s got you all upset today?
Black Girl Lost – The guy I’m talking to, I love him.
Dr. J – Love is a strong word for a married man…. who lives with his wife and child.
Black Girl Lost – You don’t understand it’s complicated.  He only lives there with her because of the kids, they live separate lives.  He just doesn’t want me over there because she is crazy and sometimes slips out on girls that he is dating.
Dr. J – Does he let you call the house?
Black Girl Lost – Oh nah, he doesn’t pick up his phones after 9PM because his daughter is sleep and he doesn’t want to wake her.
Dr. J – *blank stare*

I am amazed at times at the logic of the opposite sex.  I’m fairly sure this is a two way street, women probably wonder about the logic of men.  The point is, and should always be, that you either do not have a brain or you just have gotten to the point where you never use it.

No Heart

You complain about how many men have done you wrong, and so now you are this cold woman who hides her feelings deep inside.  How do you expect a man to love you if you don’t show him you have a heart?  Get over what that last guy did to you.  He did that to you, but not every man should have to deal and put up with your ish.

No Courage

You would argue that you’ve lost all faith in men.  I would argue that pretty soon they will lose all faith in you.  If you don’t have the courage to step out there and be seen, you can never be found.  You’re scared to actually do three things; you’re scared to go out there, you’re scared to be there, and you’re scared to leave if it’s bad.
You feel like if you go to that speed dating event, or you sign up for match.com, or allow a friend to hook you up on a blind date, that you’ll appear desperate.  Companionship is a part of life.  I mean, people always say you shouldn’t go looking.  And I agree with that…. somewhat, you might want to put a little bit more thought into your love life than letting something come to you when you least expect it.  I think that way at least you will have something that you appreciate that fits you well.

Some women are afraid of relationships.  This is funny to me.  This is how you let a lot of men get away with craziness.  Somehow all of us men had a meeting and we came up with a plan to get you guys to hate titles just as much as we do…. AND IT WORKED.  Tons of people will be in full fledged relationships, but never want to add the title.  They damn there live together, they do everything together, they are sexually exclusive, they do ALL of EVERYTHING you would in a relationship, but… if you ask her, so do you have a boyfriend?  No, he’s not my boyfriend.  *Dr. J gives her the Negro Please Award*

Lastly, when women stay with men that they should leave it exhibits low self-esteem.  Like for real, i’m sorry, but when did you notice that he was a dirt bag?  Was this before or after he slept with your sister?….. Who is 15.  Or you are in a relationship with a guy who is verbally abusive.  Any of these are signs that you need to leave.  But in reality, some women just need to have a man.  They remember how hard it was to get the guy the first time and so they never want to let go.  You have to have the courage to get over that guy and move on with your life.

Let this blog be a reminder to three of things you should always make sure to keep in your tool kit.  I believe they are important in helping you get your MacGyver on in your relationship.  Anyone who thinks they can get anywhere in life without these three things is tripping.  Even though the Wizard of Oz gave three excuses for why you can live without, know that the Wizard of Oz was actually a loser.

This is brought to you by the Get Over It Series, don’t try to flip this back on men, it’s about women, not men.  “It’s a thousand you’s it’s only one of me.” – Kanye West

SBM Readers, i’m turning the floor over to you.  Are you looking for someone to give you a heart, a brain or even some courage?  Or will you step up and take it?

-Dr. J

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

Naw ... not even her!

Fine Female Acquaintance: You know its just so hard to find a good man.
SBM: *heavy sigh* Why do you say that?
FA: It’s just hard to find a guy who just isn’t intimidated by me.
SBM: You out here hitting reggins (backwards) in the throat?
FA: *blank stare* No …
SBM: You out here backhanding these simps and sending them to sleep on the cough?
FA: Uhhhh … No …
SBM: Then do enlighten me as to how you are intimidating all these “I’ll kill you if you step on my white on whites” type of reggins running these streets?
FA: I’m successful
SBM: Interesting.  How do you know they are intimidated?
FA: They aren’t trying to wife me.
SBM: *laughing inside* Maybe they aren’t scared … maybe … just maybe … its something else

Yes people … I am hear to break the fallacy that all men are intimidated by strong or successful women.

For the vast majority of non-simping a$$ successful black men … this is just bullsh*t.

Now, let us enter the mind of your average male.  We strive daily to give you a peak, but today go ahead and dust your shoes off as we go on a stroll through the male mind and see what its up do.  Ignore all the graphic chexual content on the walls, floors, blasting over the intercom, on the TVs, etc.  That only comes up every 8-10 minutes.

Woman: “I am really focused on my career and becoming a managing partner at my firm.”
Male Thought: “This chic aint trying to cook for me if we get married.”

Woman: “I bought this 3 bedroom single family house on my own because I had the money too. When I meet the right man, we’ll have a nice home to start in.”
Male Thought: “How has she planned what her husband is doing and where he is moving before meeting him?”

Woman: “I am willing to let a man take control … when I deem he is ready.  And if he slips up and makes a decision I see bad, I will let him know.  But I want to be lead by a man.”
Male Thought: “This b* outta her mind.  How is that giving him control when you can veto him and you have to ‘deem’ him ready? Sound like a manager at a job, not a loving wife.”

Woman: “I am perfectly capable of paying for everything I want on my own … I just want my man to want to take care of me.”
Male Thought: “She sure seems hellbent on proving to me and every other man she can do things on her own. I feel like an accessory instead of a needed part of her life.”

Basically … we aren’t scared (cue Bone Crusher).  We are not afraid of you.  We … men … do not see this strong woman as something to be feared or that will threaten our manhood … we just think you will f*ing slum as a loving wife, girlfriend, or life partner.

Yeah … I said it.

A lot of the characteristics and personalities that make you “strong and independent” are also signs that you will not be able to lend us the support that we need.  We need a cheerleader … not a coach. No man wants to have his decisions and actions critiqued by his manager and boss, to have his loving wife explain why she is taking back control.  As soon as we realize this and end any relationship hopes, we are labeled as intimidated.

There is a balance that can be reached, but I see so many women fail at.  I can often ask no more than 4 questions and figure out they are not giving up the control they claim they are.  They are attempting to wear their work pants into the bedroom … and we don’t like that.

This does not apply to all men. Them reggins with no job, money, or house of there own may very well be intimidated.

But really … strong women aren’t looking for them, so don’t even think about that.

I know many of the women won’t agree.  I know many of you who self identify as “strong” will continue to cry “these men out here just can’t handle me”.  I pray for you.  Take a second and think about this?  Don’t I raise some good points?  Has any remotely successful actually said “you intimidate me”, or was it just your girlfriends?

Men, am i right? Is it just me?  Am I alone in not being shook by a woman with a 6 figure salary?

SBM aka Only God intimidates me aka “Take of my pants and let go of those reigns”

P.S.: I’m not saying women don’t scare men.  It is possible she can be so perfect, that we get scared that we might actually have to settle down and stop running the streets … but that ain’t intimidation … recognize.

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from SBM.

"And another thing, you're baby mama, that b*tch is hating!"

1. Excessively Drunk Women – When I was a boy I thought a group of drunk women was the move. When I go to the club now and see a chick throwing up in the bathroom, I get repulsed. Who’s mans is this?!

2. All the way turned up – Why I can hear you in a club on any night is a problem. It’s loud, there’s loud music, and still I can hear your voice shrieking over the speakers. Or what about those women who can’t control their volume when their drunk and try and talk in your ear but they’re screaming?

3. Negative Women – These women think everything is wack. “How about this lovely 80 degree weather today?” “This is wack, why these girls think it’s ok to be wearing their open toes?!”

4. Impatience – They hate waiting. They are the type to tell you to let them know when you have arrived at the restaurant so they can leave their house. They have cavities on each side of their mouth from sucking their teeth so much.

5. Teen Spirit Women: Waiting to be entertained – These are the ones who are rimming the club waiting for the party to jump off. They bring nothing to the party, but will call it wack because it didn’t turn into a bashment. Although, they didn’t come to dance anyway.

6. Random hair cuts or attempts to go natural – Have you ever seen that look a man has when he’s been caught cheating? It is NOTHING compared to meeting up with his boo and she decided to cut all her hair off. Your hair was down to the middle of your back yesterday, but now you sporting a Kobe fro. We will not be partying like it’s 1999 boo.

7. Liars – You can just tell this woman is lying. And often times it’s about something she doesn’t have to lie about. She got a hating friend who tells you all her business, especially about how she buys fake designer shoes. And you witness her blacking on some dude; “My shoes cost more than your whole outfit, negro!” #DIQUE.

8. Ms. Know It All – I don’t even have words to describe this one because she probably wants to describe it herself. When you told her that eating too much salmon could cause mercury poisoning, she even brought her grandmother into it, “My grandmother ate salmon everyday and she lived to be 106!” Seriously, this woman can’t take a piece of advice or fact that she didn’t come up with to save her life.

9. Attention Hordes – These women are always showing out looking for a reaction in the building. She usually has the attention of most of the guys, but if there’s one focusing on one of her friends, she makes it a point to hook that guy too. “Oh you got a nice chest. Do you work out?” Meanwhile, dude ain’t got a six-pack, he got a loaf of bread and he’s drinking a 40.

10. Women who think they can do WHATEVER they want – These are the women screaming at the promoter outside the club. These are the women who will break things in your house because they are having a temper tantrum. These are the women who say things like, “And I will tell him to do it, and he will do that ish.” These are the women who end up at the Chesapeake Rest Area because their man didn’t make it out of Maryland before he put her out the Range.

These are my ten. What are some of yours?

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Dr. J.

I'm sayin.. I can't watch LOST in peace?!

Arguments are a reality in any relationship.  There are different classes of power struggles that occur, and it seems that at some point every issue a couple has will be contested. Do we ever stop and say “why do we argue about everything?” or “Is what upsets me really that important?” Picking and choosing your battles are important. I’ll tell you why:

Women, I understand that you feel every issue you have with a man is of equal importance no matter how minuscule or major. I’m here to tell you that focusing on the minute issues will have you win a few battles, but you’ll lose the war.  My mom used to get tight when I forgot to take the trash out. I’d literally forget 5 minutes after she told me because I was watching something on TV or something more interesting crossed my mind. You know what she did? Shed remind me at night again and if I still forgot, I had to put the trash in the backyard and had double to take out on Friday (2x a week garbage flow in NYC). She didn’t nag or complain, she just gave me equal responsibility. Now, I’m not saying to be our mothers, but friendly reminders, even jokes, can work in place of incessant complaining. I feel like women know what’s a minor issue and what’s major. I promise you if you save the real beefin for something major, a man will respect you for that and be very receptive.

Men, you know and I know that we tend to tune out and filter conversations with our girls depending on our level of importance, which usually means that only 10% of womens issues with us we’d consider significant. Ignoring general concerns of your lady is similar to ignoring that minor crack that rock left in your windshield. Sure, it’s small and doesn’t cause trouble, but neglecting it over time can cause an even greater crack to occur, and the damages could increase 700%! If you only took care of it earlier right?

You have to be aware of a woman’s mood and know when somethings bothering her. Sure she may say “nothing” meaning it’s definitely something and she wants you to Professor X her mind to solve the issue, but she can never say you don’t recognize problems! Communication is key!! Also as men if you’re going to deal with an issue internally, don’t let it ferment in your soul until you’re “mad as hell and you can’t stands no more”. It isn’t fair to her especially when women will ask what’s wrong. I know it may come across as emo, but a preemptive strike on any problems you have with your boo will go a long way to healthy communication and relations!

Picking and chosing battles can decrese the levels of stress in a relationship that develop with petty, stupid arguments. I personally have no time to dwell on small issues and I will make that perfectly clear. Yes we think all of ouf problems are important, but friends, family, cut buddies, bf/gf and husbands/wives will all have characteristics that piss you off. You either learn to deal with it, address it, or wak on by!

Cosign? Any examples? Don’t fight me on this. ONE!

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from Streetz.

We spend a lot of time talking and discussing about the good.  What makes a good man?  How to find a good woman?  What makes you toes curl, eyes roll back into your head, and the Lord’s name to come out of your mouth s*xual relations good? But … what good is the good without the bad?

There is no doubt that the world is filled with lame and un-dateable guys.  I hate em, women hate em, eff em.  They usually mess things up for the good guys (like us here at SingleBlackMale) and can turn a beautiful black woman with the potential to make herself and a man happy … into a spiteful and bitter sister.  F*ing shame …

Today, we will highlight these lames … these herbs … these tools (for the 2520s in attendance) … as I present:

SBM’s List of Absolutely and Completely Un-dateable Men

The Simp

I know there are a lot of women reading this right now and thinking “Simps aren’t bad … I love me a good simp” … but I’m talking about a real simp.  Simps have no backbone, they can’t make you feel like a woman because they can’t act like a man.  Sure he might spend money on you and give you undue amounts of attention … but so does a puppy.  You trying to f**k your puppy?

The Arrogant A$$hole

“Wait, so you don’t have an S500? You don’t know P. Diddy?” This guy loves to talk about himself, where he went to school, who he knows, and what he owns.  According to him … the best thing about his girl is that she has him attached to her.  He might impress friends, but will annoy any woman after bringing up his recent promotion 10 times in an hour.

The Loser

No motivation outside of catching the weed man Monday mornings.  No job (or an underpaying one), lives with mom/cousin/ex/friend and just ain’t doing sh*t.  Can’t afford gas (or a car) … but somehow always makes it to the club. Run unless your looking for another dependent in your life.

The Wannabe Player

He swears he has 8 other girls waiting for him if you act up, and reminds you every other day.  He has tons of females friends who don’t want him, but he swears all want to be broke off … and when he inevitably cheats (attempting to live the lifestyle) it will be with the girl nicknamed “Even I wouldn’t put my d*ck in that”.  If you gonna play yourself … at least find a real one.

The Cheater

He claims he can stop anytime, really “loves” his girlfriend, and only loves her (“these other b*tches ain’t nothing to me baby … we just f***in”).  Somehow someway … he just keeps slipping and falling d*ck first into some p*ssy.  He has smashed your friends, co-workers, and tried to holla at ur moms … but pops wasn’t having it.  Save yourself the syphilis shot.

The Pretty Boy

3 hours in the morning to get ready, 3 hours at the gym, And a personal stylist to cater to his twice a week shape up.  Never met a mirror he didn’t like and is quick to remind his loving girlfriend how lucky she is to be dating an adonis … a god among men (as he likes to say).  He might be pretty to look at … but feed your shallow a$$ a solid dose of act right and get you some substance.

The Effeminate

He cries at movies.  He watches Lifetime.  He drinks cosmopolitans.  He’s seen ever episode of Sex In The City (#SBMSecret I do like the show … Miranda be whilin) and cried at the end of the movie.  He always wants to talk about his feeling and doesn’t drink beer.  I was about to leave him off the list because there isn’t actually any “man” in there. Unless you want to date “one of the girls” drop some tissues and run.

I covered the basis, but I’m a guy so I have only noticed these lames from the sidelines.  Ladies, did I miss your current situation a type you experienced? Fellas, any advice for these ladies.  We all know lames … lets air em out.

SBM ala Luke Skywalker (Bringing balance to the force) aka See Ladies … I’m not always treating ya’ll bad!

Original content from Single Black Male. Click here to check out more from SBM.