Home About Me Relationship ADD: Why can’t she keep my interest?

Relationship ADD: Why can’t she keep my interest?


I don’t know why … but its so hard for a girl to keep my interest.

Guess I just jumped into that one kind of quick. No antidote, no interesting story, no joke … right to the point. So lets work backwards on this post … see how that works out.

I have talked to a few other guys, some seem to share this same thing. I don’t dare ask a black women for her opinion, afraid of getting the “All you black men are like that. Can”t commit! Can’t settle down! Just wanna f*ck everything!” speech. While I do think it plagues guys more than women … its a serious problem … for me at least.

Its crazy the amount of times I have just lost interest. It comes like a thief in the night too. Sadly, there is often no warning, no precedent, and no logic. At some point we’re talking, things are good, then suddenly the calls dry up. I’m not proud of it, but I just can’t muster the strength to call the person back.

My good female friend has given me two theories.

The First: Its me. I get bored easily. I need strong conversation, great personality, and a resume that impresses me. In addition, I’m lazy about things, so therefore it takes a lot for me to not be lazy and hold interest.

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The Second: I meet and entertain a lot of bucket heads. I have no business really talking to these girls in the first place and I need to do a better job at picking high quality females.

There is some truth in both of these, but my friend is a little to “harsh” … so we’ll just reject both of them.

After a bit of soul searching and analysis … I think I have made a few discoveries.

  • I’m lazy in pursuing maintaining contact with females.
  • I do entertain the company of several girls I know are worth talking to.
  • I hate calling.
  • I really hate calling.
  • Women just aren’t the priority in my life they used to be. Got bigger “fish to fry”.
  • I’m addicted to good, intelligent conversation … and thats not always easy to come by.
  • I’m slightly judgmental … so I’m compiling my list of Fundamental Character Flaw’s … although conversation is “good”

I have also noticed a few things that have been helpful in crushing this ADD.

  • Females who aren’t afraid to call: This helps me get over my not calling issue. I rarely ignore a phone call and once I have experienced the addicting conversation I crave … calling is no longer an issue
  • Females who aren’t pressuring me for anything: I don’t like to be asked about when I’m taking you to dinner next, when you can bogart the calendar, or when I plan to get married. Focus on getting to know me and the reverse. Everything else happens in time.
  • Females showing genuine interest: I’m not trying to get played, simped, or used for food or movies. Also, if I think someone is not feeling me, what reason do I have to call and pursue you?
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So … hopefully … this doens’t plague me for the rest of my life. Hopefully I’ll meet the person that keeps my interest forever. Also, I’m pretty sure I have Adult ADD by the way (you wouldn’t believe how many times I got distracted just writing this post) … maybe thats the reason … eh.

I know there is someone else who chronically loses interest too. I know someone has some tips, hints, or methods.


  1. Roger that SBM. Loss of interest has led to the decline of many relationships for me. From the male's perspective – it just requires soooo much effort on our parts to get the ball rolling. The way things are you have to "put in work" – a lot of it – to get the "reciprocal call" or a call period. If I don't get IOIs (Indicators of Interest)in the form of calls, texts, emails, great convos, mutual interests, and/or schedule availability – then *I* lose interest – and quick.

  2. I had to read this post a couple of times and think about what I really wanted to say. As a woman who is pretty good about calling and staying in contact with a man she's interested in, your attitude is somewhat annoying. In particular, the part about being lazy and really hating calling. Boo, you gots to give to get. Now, granted there are still a lot of women who are all up on that 'I don't don't call guys' nonsense, but I don't subscribe to that mantra. I will call you but after a while if I feel like you aren't putting forth the same effort that I am, then I'm not wasting precious breath and on-peak minutes on your ass. TRUST. And since I'm older now, I really don't have a lot patience with that madness.

    @Anti-Dater: as far as putting in work?? Dear, let me remind you of something. You are the man, you are the hunter, therefore you have to put in work. (Well you don't have to really, but then don't complain about the chicks you end up with either). Again, if the lady isn't returning the communication, keep it moving. But please, stop acting like women don't have to put in work too. Smooches!

  3. @ Tiffany in Houston

    At what point in the modern world do women actually have to put in work?

    Maybe when the guy calls enough(3+ times/wk for 4-4 wks)?

    Maybe when the guy selects a location for a date?

    Maybe when he pays for the first few dates?

    Maybe…not much effort at all but looking pretty and being entertained. The first part about dating is moreso about entertaining a young woman and "proving" that you are worth her while. The bulk of the work lies with the male and is burdensome. Brothas – don't get fatigued by this process!

  4. I'm sorry Tiffany, but I just can't agree. I will admit, it maybe came off a little harsher than it really is when I talked about "not calling". I will admit that I am generally bad at initiating calls whether its my boss, the repairman, or my friends … so thats universal. With females, it truly comes up when I call you 3,4,8 times, and you feel because your sans-penis that I should continue to blow up your phone until you deem it "the right time" to talk. WTF. Actually, next time that happens, I'm going to "unleash the beast" on the answering machine … lol.

    With Antidate, I completely agree, especially with the second comment. Girls out here do NO WORK. Looking good and providing midly interesting conversation on the first dates is not work. For the "courting" period … its all us.

  5. SBM, well since you elaborated a bit, I can soften my stance a bit.:) I can see what you mean and I guess since I've never been that type of woman (I think I mentioned I'm 34 now) I really can't relate. I was like that when I was younger too, though. Dealing with boys who didn't like me is a waste of my time. So if I liked you then we were comminicating point blank.

    Initially the tone I got was that you felt like you was a bit too good to be calling these chicks..like they should be jocking you..but now I understand.

    And you and Anti keep hollering about these girls who put in no work..evidently looking cute and being brainless isn't working for you two, right??? Sounds to me like you need to be a bit more selective, eh?

  6. LOL @ "cute & brainless". Honestly, I think I'm too selective. I have dismissed girls for the quality of their college, the type of shoes whe wore on a date (only once … and she wore water shoes … like the ones you wear in the pool), or not knowing what a word meant.

    Given that … please tell me when is it that a women has to put in work?!?!?!? At some point … yes … but the intitially courtship period is just us trying hard as we can to impress you. Thats why I want to be called! I mean damn … do I gotta do everything!!!

  7. Ok Tiffany is right and not just because my name is Tiffany too. LOL

    Dammit she is right. I think we as women who have decided to persue have turned many a black man into a passive aggressive bit$$$chy man guy.

    i'll be back….

  8. Comeback Girl: Your going to have to explain that one to me? You think women have decided to pursue too much and has made us bitch-like in the process!?!?!?!?! HA! Madness!

  9. @ Comebackgirl

    Thou hast read my mind (or maybe my blog) lol. My latest and greatest was about the need for men to Man Up. I didn't really write it from the perspective of how women treat men – it was about Society in general.

    An earlier comment i made alluded to the modern black woman and how things are sort of skewed. Dudes put in work often and get rejected/end up no where often with few signs along the way.

    The turning a black man into a "passive aggressive bithcy man guy" hits the nail on the head. Society wants that. Black women are socialized to do it (I know i'm asking for it and I'm ready : ). It seems like the attitude is "I will give you no sign of victory but you damn sure better keep trying" That can work wonders on the mind of a person…

  10. Antidater and SBM I think both of you guys are on to something. A Black Man's guide to dating and understanding black women. I think Black women would love like a podcast or Youtube or even a tv show. Get on dat k?

    Antidater I was about to go there. I do believe that society does put the Black man at a disadvantange and his Mama also coddles which doesn't help a man be a great man, husband or father. But at some point Black men need to recognize something that I'm working on. I can blame Daddy Frank all day long about my insecurity trust abadonment issues. But in the end it only manifests more the same behavior and me not recognizing when I've attracted somebody other than my Daddy.

    So yall need to step it all the way up. Have the pity party but cast all the society stuff aside.

  11. Do I tell you all how much I love my readers … and thats the honest truth. My mind would turn to mush without you all.

    Antidater is actually a real good friend of mine … well before this blogging. I would say we should get together and write a book, but black people (at least the ones in need of the knowledge) don't read anymore. Gotta remain anonymous, but we can do a video blog with a plastic Malcolm X and King mask (I'll let you get first dibs on your favorite).

    Dudes out here are way too soft. I've been complaining of simps out here messing up the game (cough … antidater … cough … lol) and the independent women, that I love SO much, taking a mile for every inch.

    Ahh well … I'm gonna pitch a show to BET. SBM the simp slayer (I'll define simp for ya'll later in a post) and The Antidater. We can change the game!

  12. @Comeback

    It's not a pity party! I am not blaming Society. It is rather a realization that there are some extra hurdles erected (by sistuhs) for brothas to jump over. Why is it coddling for a sistuh to return a brothas call or show some Indicator of Interests per SBM's point?

    SBM had a post a while back about it being ok for a woman to call. We have the presumption that men are seeking to be equal partners in relationships – not the traditional male-dominated relationship. If that's the case – why not put in an equal amount of work, partner?

  13. Oh yeah … Antidater and Come Back Girl … I see a little love connection going on. CBG … if "O" starts tripping … give my man a chance. Solid guy … lol.

    I'm not soft or bitchy … just hate being forced to chase aimlessly with no signs of interest, then getting cursed out when I lose interest.

    Someone has to take a stand.

  14. Quit your whining guys. You may put in work in the beginning but women do FAR more later if a relationship develops. LOL. Men tend to get comfortable and do much less when a relationship occurs.

  15. Anti–I think you guys have been watchin WAY too many reruns of sex in the city and girlfriends. I like for a man to show interest. Strategy is incorporated into every social exchange known to man-and courtship- is no different. A woman likes to feel like a woman period. And so does a man. I got 5 on the fact that if you show the right woman that you really care-she will break her neck to make you happy. Its just the way it is.

  16. Please … Relationships are always in benefit of the woman. I mean, we like having somebody, but when it comes to hoolidays, burden of communications and doing extra things … there is no way women put in as much work.

    Maybe back in the 50's when women did all the cleaning, child rearing, etc … but nowadays, tasks like that are more evenly split, but we still have to give you diamonds for valentine's day, plan trips to Paris for birthdays, give the back massage, and force our feelings out.

    So one-sided …

  17. SBM pretail when was the last parisian getaway you purchased. I mean it goes back to the law of attraction. If relationships benefit women then (TO YOU) than the experience of it not benefiting you equally will show up. I'm a win/win , Quid Quo Pro kind of girl myself. I think it can work for both. Many relationship ADD prone women don't want to feel like they're in prision either. The whole equation must be kept interesting to many women as well.

  18. SBM – how dare you even mention the 1950s woman. Relationships aren't like that anymore. The rules of courtship were designed for a period in time when men had to prove that they can take care of a woman becuase she most likely wouldn't work. Women can take care of themselves now so it only makes sense that men continue to court women in the old-school fashion (sarcasm).

    Ahhh – The Law of Attraction. If you beleive that you and your partner are putting in an EQUAL amount of work – then you will think that is the truth while you put in 75% of the work. (more sarcasm).

    I think I could go on and on about this – I may post something about it. @Comeback I think we may need to justagree to disagree 🙂

  19. 'Ahhh – The Law of Attraction. If you beleive that you and your partner are putting in an EQUAL amount of work – then you will think that is the truth while you put in 75% of the work. (more sarcasm). "


    What you define as "work" could be that which I don't consider work yet derive pleasure from.

  20. @Comeback:

    Please just give me some examples of the "work" that women put into the relationship. I can think if the basics like keep communication open and resist the urge to go through my email (sorry … cheap shot I know … but its a joke) … but those are basic things we both do. We have a few more things to handle that women just aren't expected to do in 2000.

    Personally, I don't care too much, but damn if its not true that we do more.

  21. Well the women I personally know (MYSELF included) cook, entertain their friends from time to time when say a game or something comes on, personal encourgement and inspiration (ie "YOU CAN DO IT", "GO BLACK MAN GO"), sex when you don't necessarily FEEL LIKE IT, messaging fragile egos etc etc.

    now 95.5% of this is not work. Its all a matter of perspective for me.

  22. the blogtalkradio.com thing looks cool. Thoughts SBM?

    @Comeback Most women aren't like you. These comments are pointed at the women who receive much from guys who give plenty and end up with little or nothing of value in return, e.g, no cooking, no unexpected sex, little to no encouragement, etc.

  23. @Anti: That still all comes back to the type of selection you as the MAN are making.

    Tiffany In Houston | Jan 29, 2008 | Reply


    I agree and his perspective. Why is truly loving somebody "work"-even when a woman's pickin up dirty boxers on the floor (and all that beginning romance is day to day stuff)-its not really work if she loves him. The converse is equally true. If a man is totally and completely committed and in love-he keeps his promises, making you happy makes him happy. etc etc.

  24. I think I conceded earlier that as time goes on … women do step their game up. But their is no argument against the fact that men do 90% for the entire "courtship" (an archaic concept IMHO) and for a good while afterward.

    Comeback, you sound like one of the good ones. But I think me and Anti are speaking to the status quo. Its also hard to tell whether the girl is the nice caring type or the selfish "give me more" type.

    Even with the "work" you mentioned … we do all the same (replace Sex with talks) especially since guys are cooking nowadays.

  25. SBM where are these men that cook and I mean can really cook? Guys my age (35+) do cook and clean but alot expect the old school woman to also so modern things like work outside the house.

    Why the complaining either you court or not? If you want something it takes effort. Is is fair sometimes no. Shoot, women have had to go through alot in relationships over the ages and now when men have to step it up they complain. Please.

  26. @Comeback & Tiffany

    Selection will definitely have an impact on the outcome. Yet, there are a lot of other brothas who are experiencing the same. Do we all have selection problems or is there just a problem with the selection? lol

    I am one of the men that can really cook. I can throw down and I know many others like me. Both my mom and my dad could throw down. I am shocked that a number of young black professional women find the mere thought of cooking appalling.

    You say that men have to step up a little and I am all for men stepping up. Yet, what has been discussed thus far is more akin to brothas been taken for granted and taken advangate of.

  27. My original post was about my ADD with girls. Not sure what about that was complaining really.

    But really … its easy to say we're complaining … because women never want to hear the truth.

    Face it, its a lot we gotta do to "win" ya'll over. ALL me and Antidater want are some call backs. Damn … is that asking too much?

  28. Anti: There is a problem with both the selection and the selection process. I will firmly agree with you there. And men in the initial stages do put in some chase time, I don't deny it but then I'm not opposed to it either. It comes with the territory. I firmly believe in knowing your role. You hunt, I gather. 🙂

    On the back end, women have to hold it down. We hold the relationship together. We hold you down on the emotional and physical tip. We soothe, we negotiate..things like that. We are the glue. You ain't never heard that 'the hand that rocks the cradle is the one that rules the world.'

    Quit fussing about some chick that won't call you back. Go find you one that will and will be estatic to hear from you!

  29. I have to give 10 points to the ladies side on this one and not just because I am one lol. I am 25 and I can honestly say I put in work too ALWAYS. I don't need to have you take me a bunch of dates to understand your feeling me. I have cooked, entertained, and the other kind of entertained, wined, dinned, stimulated the mind, stroked ego's, paid for dates, and brought you gifts too and called even when I didn't think I should and the most I got was, Mikki your great and wonderful but yea I'm finna go holla at whats her name cuz ummmm your to much like right…. WTF?? And you don't even know how to change a tire!!!

  30. CBG: WTF? That some back in the day comment I'm sposed to understand. Mighta made sense except for the Nordstrom's part. But who knows … I might just be slow.

    Tiffany: The glue? Really? So we don't do anything to hold the relationship together? And as I said, that was def the truth back in the 50's and 60's, but the game has changed so much since then … can't say its the same. Hold down the "emotional and physical tip" … really? Love to hear just a little more about that one.

    Mikki: Again … you sound like you might be one of the good one's. Maybe every Black man should start a blog … looks like the good ones read & comment … lol. Yeah, that guy prolly had the ADD too. Its serious …

  31. @ Tiffany On hunters and gatherers…women hunt just like men these days. Men have had to learn to gather (cook, clean, etc) while some women just don't do it.

    Plus, men are still stuck in the 50s/60s role while women's roles have "evolved". We still court women as if they couldn't take care of themselves. Why not change that? Nah. Something about getting cake and eating too – then running to Nordstrom's for some ice cream. lol

  32. Anti and SBM

    insanity is doing (and I'll add thinking) the same thing/way and expecting a different result. What if there was truth in what we all said. A truth that just required a little adaptation. Relationships are about negotiation. To me if you know what you're doing everyone's needs can get met. But men are very selfish minded by nature and they think that since she gets her way….I can't have mine.

  33. Further both of yall are hella confused on what to keep and take from teh 60s. Sure economically and socially women have "evolved", but biologically we still have the same fundamental needs that our grandmothers had. So know I may not need for you to seranade my ass outside my window or ask my mama if I can go to the soda shop. But opening my door would be nice. Holding the umbrella if its raining is also a fine gesture.

    I'm not saying be a sucka punk. But just make a woman feel soft and pink. EVERY WOMAN WANTS THAT. From Hillary to the receptionist answering phones all day.

  34. Tickled..I remember when I was 25…I can safely say that the game remains the same and so do the discussions.

  35. Sigh … I leave to knock out some business and suddenly I'm considered as having left … puh.

    Anyways, its nice u want to feel all soft and pink. Thats so special, it makes me warm inside.

    My man Anti said it best. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't have the chivalry of the 60's and the independence of the 90's.

    I am and will always be a gentleman, but thats because I'm a nice guy. And even that has its limitations. If you want to cast of the shackles of your foremothers (which I in complete support of … as I have shown in my posts) you better learn to call back.

  36. CBG: So how am I confused? I'm all for moving into the 2000's full force. There is a reason putting your jacket on the ground went out of style and the serenade.

    Mikki: When your 35 … you stop playing the games … IMHO. Around that age, calling is no longer this taboo thing.

    Tiffany: Does it really stay the same? Do I have nothing to look forward to (besides marriage that is)???

  37. My man Anti said it best. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t have the chivalry of the 60’s and the independence of the 90’s.


    and as long as you both refuse to reconcile either, you'll be SBM and he'll be ANTI dater. You both have already decided your positions which are fixed and non-negotiable.

    good luck wit dat.

  38. You know Comeback girl I Think these two men have hope, once they find the woman that is independent, loves to cook, jams to screw music, calls them til they get butterflies inside, cute in the face tight waist, no baby daddy having, non buckethead, intellectual,lady in the streets freak in the sheets, down for my man, no plastic shoe wearin,blue jean gym shoes having, nails done 24-7 hair always laid, always paid, takin her home to mom gotta approve first but before i take you change your top my mom will think its ugly, ok honey what ever you say type girl. did i miss anything?

  39. I almost don't know where to start.

    @Comeback SBM and I would be on the right path if we just agreed with the sistuhs on this one??

    You quoted SBM:

    My man Anti said it best. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t have the chivalry of the 60’s and the independence of the 90’s.

    You stated that we need to reconcile the 60s and the new millennium. We need to learn how to negotiate. The goal of negotiating is not compromise (win-lose, lose-win) but rather trying to achieve as many objectives of each party as possible given constraints. Constraints (budgets, expectations, needs) have changed since the 60s. Why do women want men to live in the past but insist that they are the future?

    A true negotiation would mean redefined roles. But that's not what Comeback has stated – i hear a request for a compromise of the men lose, women always win variety.

  40. To Mikki:

    Got me confused with females … I don't want everything. Didn't I write a post about that … lol.

    Look, I'm easy to please. Real easy to please. I like to talk but hate calling, so I want a call back after I make the first move. Not even tripping on the cooking thing. I need a decent earning potential, a solid intellect, and a partner … not a dependent.

    I'm gonna take this back to one of my old comments. Will someone explain to me whats so wrong with wanting a woman who knows how to show interest in her man??? How did all that other mess get added in???

    Also, I do need to point out there are some key differences between me and Antidater's views … but thats still my man … he has some valid points.

  41. Look, I’m easy to please.


    Um no your not. Mikki characterized you very well (and she aint pull not of that out the sky) I read about half of your requirements in previous posts: nails done (no plolish ever cracked (preference french tips), calls you, independent no buckethead etc etc.

  42. I'm flattered that my little "one off" comments in my posts have stuck, but their all out of context.

    I will admit, I used to have an elaborate point system when it came to girlfriends (jump-offs had like 3 criteria) back in college. Include such specifics like education, region where they grew up, technical know how, even greek organization (50 points to who can guess mine). I have since shunned that list and process and have simplified it.

    All I want is intelligence, a goal oriented go getter, someone with a strong enough sense of self she can show interest, a freak in the sheets (you did get that one), and someone who is open to knew stuff (like Mr. Michael "5000" Watts).

    Is that really so bad?

  43. Well since we are guessing…Representing for the Devastating Divas of DST!!

    Spring 1994 (Lord, I'm dating myself!), Eta Beta, #14…:)

  44. Comeback:

    Naw, not a post. Didn't know if anyone else wanted to guess.

    Honestly, a little insulted you would think me a Kappa. I take that back … I'm really insulted.

    You should stick with your instincts … A Phi A Phi A Phi AAAAAAA!

    Antidater reaks of that hot red mess.

    Tiffany: Shoulda known you were a Delta. Love ya'll (yes I know the "issues" with that … and apologies to my Sorors … love ya'll too).

  45. I'm coming in here a little late to the discussion.

    You may be losing interest because you're not ready to commit to one lady. If you were ready, I can't see you having communication issues. You would call her, email, text message, etc. She wouldn't have to initiate the majority of the communication.

  46. Personally, I'm a big fan of monogamy, hate dating, and yearn for a bit of regularity. I don't think I'm afraid of settling down, but who knows. While I do think I'm afraid of a true relationship, I'm all for some sort of regular "situation".

  47. @SBM Don't be mad you that you didn't pledge Kappa.


    I don't know about the right woman thing because your "right woman" needs to believe that you are the "right man". There are lots of opportunities for relationship status confusion in dating.

    Plus, the "economics of dating" insist that young professionals date many people or have Multiple Long Term Relationships (MLTR) to reduce the risk of being the last kid standing in the dating game's version of musical chairs. Hence, a guy is not always justified to use all of his calls, texts, emails, and energy on that one "right woman" because chances are she's not it.

  48. I was getting ready to ask you about your own character flaws, more or less a random question since I just wrote a blog about it, but then I realized you already posted them. I think it is very important for individuals to be able to identify their own flaws, and not just focus on others. Anyway, I commend you for being able to put it out there.

  49. @YBL: I really shoudl revisit this. I almost demand whoever I date know herself well enough to know her faults … If I can't do the same … I don't deserve her.

  50. I think many individuals have the problem of being able to demand everything from other individuals, but can't stand infront of a mirror and demand the same from themselves. To know who you are, is apart of loving yourself.I don't think anyone can truly love anyone else if they cannot love themselves first.

  51. What's even worse is forcing yourself to feel indifferent about a person to not seem over-enthused…and before you know it you've kept it moving.

    I really gotta do better with that.

  52. My boyfriend was like that – attentive at first, now i feel like i have to work really hard to keep his interest. He is really fun and smart, great looking and great personality, tho he seems a bit impulsive & restless, like not easily entertained. Reading about ADD made me understand more about his need for stimulation (ive read that one way of keeping interest is subconsciously seeking conflict). Anyways our relationship never gets boring – its liek a constant rollercoaster. Im not trying to change him tho, I love him the way he is, and Ive come to realize that im one responsible for my needs and that they are met, cant expect him to "do all the work" as you said. What im trying to say is that Im sure your gonna find someone whos gonna keep you interested, shes out somewhere looking for you im sure of it. Best of luck finding her.

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  54. My friend just tell me and I can't believe it, Mike's daughter are dead so tragedy and so sad. I am a big fan of him, he is a great guy, best boxer – crazy little bet but every body know him and like him.

  55. Good morning

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  56. Wow, this list is great! There are so much things that I really need to learn how to do, but just not doing them. It is time for me to stop procrastinating and give the list a try.

  57. I've never thought this could be true, thanks for shedding a light anyway. Keep up the great work, I really enjoy reading your posts.

  58. Intimate relationships play a central role within the overall human expertise. Humans have a general want to belong and to like that is sometimes happy at intervals an intimate relationship. Intimate relationships involve physical and sexual attraction between individuals, feeling and captivated, romantic feelings, and sexual relationships, additionally because the seeking of 1 or additional mates and emotional and private support for the members. Intimate relationships give a social network for those that give robust emotional attachments, and fulfill our universal would like of happiness and also the have to be compelled to be cared for.

  59. I’m way too late for this post seeing that it’s a few years old. The bottom line is this… if you’re interested in something or someone, then you’ll make an effort. All the other things are just excuses.


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