Home Dating & Relationships Marriage Stay At Home Wife … Thats Bullsh*t!

Stay At Home Wife … Thats Bullsh*t!


“When I get married I’m not working! My man can take care of that … I’m trying to stay home, cook and clean a little, and catch up on Maury! Kids … yeah I want some … but I’m not working no matter what”

What kind of bullsh*t is this?

OK, let me take a step back. First and foremost, I’m not talking about a stay at home mother. I mean just a wife, as in no kids, who feels the need to not work.

This topic came up when me and a female friend were talking about women working after marriage. She simply can’t see why anyone would want to stop working after getting married if there aren’t kids involved. She is a strong degreed black woman (as most my female friends are), maybe thats why 8 hours at home to her and letting her skills lapse, is a fate close to death … but maybe its something else.

When I told her I actually knew of women who became stay at home wives after college, gave her some current sitcoms popularizing the idea, and reveling her with the stories of girls telling me this was their goal in life, she became damn near outraged.

In this day and age, I just can’t see what would make someone want to stay at home all day long, doing little to nothing. I’m a lazy person, but even I would lose my mind. Sure there are clubs to join, books to be read, cleaning, cooking, knitting and whatnot, but if there aren’t any kids, how much can this take up??? To me, it just says you lack motivation and are lazy. If thats the case … why would I, or did I, marry you?

See Also:  Men Really Are Dumb...Sometimes.

At one point in time I was talking to a girl who worked at Microsoft. As someone who has had some dealings with the company, she was probably making a minimum of $70k and I think she did engineering or computer science in school. This educated black woman was determined to quit whatever job she had as soon as the ring went on … “I do. I quit!” She saw no need for her to work, use her degree, or contribute financially after she got married. Even if her husband made less than her, she wasn’t working to me. If only I could show you all a picture of the look of pure disgust she cause my face to contort into.

There was a time when being a stay at home wife made sense. There was a time (back in the 1800s and early 1900s) where butter had to be churned, cows had to be fed, corn had to be shucked, floors had to be scrubbed on hand an knees, and washing machines consisted of a board and bucket. In addition, it was almost impossible for women to work and earn good money doing it.

That sh*t is no longer the case. Cleaning can be knocked out in hours with vacuum cleaners, robotic vacuums, and maid services. With microwaves, programmable ovens, the million other things the modern kitchen has … cooking is not an all day task. Hell, there are enough restaurants, carry outs, and delivery places to supplement even the most determined chef. There is simply no reason in 2008 that a childless wife needs to (or should want to) stay at home.

See Also:  He Said He Wasn't "Looking for Commitment" But Then He Got Married

And worst of all is when I hear this from a woman with a degree. To me, what did you go to school for then?

If you want to stay home and become a published author, start your own business, or even get a degree from home, then I can understand. Your actually not a stay at home wife, your in school or working from home. But I can’t think of one other valid reason. Again, this same argument does not apply to women with children.

What would you say if a guy said “I don’t want to work. I’m gonna stay home, cook, and clean the house while you go to work. And honey … could you pick up an Xbox on the way home … thanks.”

I would love for someone to tell me just one valid reason for the “Stay at Home Wife” in 2008!


  1. What would you say if a guy said “I don’t want to work. I’m gonna stay home, cook, and clean the house while you go to work. And honey … could you pick up an Xbox on the way home … thanks.”

    I would say ok baby!! What game you want to go with that!! Lol

    I can’t hate on anybody with a college degree big up’s to yall but stupid is stupid and college degree’s don’t suddenly change values and make you and expert on life. I’m sure who ever said they wanted to stay at home PERIOD came up with that idea long before they went to college. I know plenty of college educated women who make or mad six figures but would rather say at home. I would actually do the same if me and the hubby could afford me that luxury, with my crocheting and all I would make sure he had a hot meal clean socks and clean floors to walk on and good sex when he asked. Y’all youngin’s live in a microwave society so I blame the world for you thinking everything is roses and peaches but it takes more than you think to keep a house I know because I have played wifey before. Now I don’t condone sittin on your ass and doing nothing for the rest of your life, we all need a balance and it would be up to that man and woman to decide what’s good for them, kids or no kids. If my man works a decent job and we afford all the bills without struggling and getting ahead in a reasonable fashion then my butt will be at home chillin too, then one day I may write a book or create the next big talk show or make a baby or two ……….when I feel like it. and I would do the same for my boo if he asked me too!!!

    Double Kisses!!

  2. Real house’s wife’s of Orange County is the tv show I think the wife’s are specially touched on this show (not the good kind), I wouldn’t exactly go as far as they do but you get the point.

  3. Sorry … I just can't get with that. I noticed you focused on the degree aspect a lot, but that was a moot point and really just not the focus.

    I don't care if you didn't make it out of the 6th grade, I just do not see the need for my wife, girlfriend, or whatever to stay at home and live off the fruits of my labor. I rather help clean or cook and enjoy a double income than have potatoes made from scratch every night.

    No one is saying you need to be making partner at your law firm, but you need to do something to supplement them bills!

    1. okay im almost 3+ years late none the less i like. Now i think we are mistaking what is our duties as women and what is responsible partnership.

      As a life partner it is up to me to be the pinch hitter in the family if my husband has the drive, to go out there and work to fortify our kingdom and to provide and make sure that the home front is taken care of, then it is my obligation to do the same. there is no reason why being a "stay at home mom" is even an option Mother hood is not a free pass on equitable responsibility.

      As an educated black woman, i can still go out into the work force do a full days job and come home and nurture my children, be a loving wife, and still build and sustain a wonderful relationship with my family.

      I think it downright laziness.

      why do i need to stay home in order to cook, change diapers, and clean my house? but speaking for myself, there are womanly duties i must perform. gone were the days when we were barefeet and pregnant and were uneducated and that was the life we knew. we can do a whole lot more with 2 incomes.

      im done i could write a book on this but hey, i guess the welfare system was birthed from the same mentality.. smh

  4. Well I didn't plan to make it a degree issue until you made it a point to mention that most of your friends have one and the girl who gave you the inspiration for the blog did as well. I assumed that between the two of you, that yall figure if you have a degree you HAVE to put it to use which is not always the case. What if there arent a bunch of bills,credit cards, cars, houses ect to pay on?? DOUBLE INCOME is just more reason to buy shit you don't need and rack up more bills in the first place. I must be the only one comming to my senses but I could be on finance over load too so. But still we gonna have to agree to disagree on this one. cuz if my man say don't work I will be the first to call my job n say F*## yall!!!

  5. If my man said you don't have to work, just write your books and I'll take care of the home front…I'm like Mikki. I won't hesistate to leave corporate America for good.

  6. If you have some serious passion that motivates you, is time intensive, and will contribute to our well-being … I'm all for that, but I'm not about to take care of someone who feels like chilling at home.

    I want a partner, not a dependent.

    If I marry Ms. CEO and she says "stay at home … you don't need to work", I better be starting my own business, writing a book, or raising SBM jr … otherwise I'd feel like I wasn't bringing anything to the table.

  7. SBM I didn’t say be dumb, its obvious that if you have a college degree and motivation you can market yourself at anytime in life. That doesn’t mean not look at bills not have your own money and wake up so lazy that you dunno what day of the week it is to be hung out to dry incase you get a divorce because that’s disastrous and stupid , you still have to be smart about yours like shacks wife she brought a couple houses lol. For the record I will always want to live with 2 incomes because now days you really have no choice, but if im well off (which damn I think I will be by the time I get married) I wont need to work and nicca u bess believe that wont be because of a MANS money it will because I handled mine long before he came into the picture.

  8. One person's contribution doesn't have to be just financial, but I just can't see what needs to be done around the house or wherever that requires you to be in the house 8 hours a day.

    I'm just not cool with supporting another grown individual unless they are truly being productive with their time, and I honeslty don't see what desire an adult would have to chill in the house all day.

  9. Antidater, most women do believe in equality and no ones defending laziness. If both parties agree to the woman staying at home, then there shouldn't be a problem. That's why it's important that this is something discussed prior to getting married.

    And why does she have to be lazy if she doesn't work outside of the home??? A lot of women who don't work do more than just sit around all day.

  10. What it all boils down to is what that man and that woman have decided what will go down in THEIR household. Period.

    Personally, I don't really want to stay home. I would prefer to work.

  11. Wow, well you know there are still alot of women who are tinkering away in corporate america just to pay bills until they get married as if marraige will solve all the problems they have. They still hold on to that knight & shining armour bit & Mr. Provider. Nowadays, it takes 2 decent paying incomes to have a comfortable life together. And honestly, not working isn't sexy to me. I don't care how fine you are, even if you have a dazzling kilo watt smile (& I do love a nice smile)– BUT— if you have no ambition, drive, passion to be a better man for you & yours, it's just not sexy AT ALL. I can do bad by myself.

  12. Antidater: As usual, I pretty much have to agree. While there was a time when it made sense at it was a gender role issue, the modern woman of the 2000 should not be happy not working with no major time commitment at home. To me … staying at home to "cook & clean" is sitting on your ass all day.

    Tiffany: Many of the things I talk about boil down to personal choice at the end of the day, but that doesn't mean I can't get up on my soapbox and throw two pennies everyone's way.

    KD: I agree. That old "come save me" mentality is old and doesn't work. If you want to keep up, 2 incomes is what it takes. And especially being from DC with median house costs of $450k (good house is about $550K) … whose raising a family on a single income!

  13. Personally, I was raised to always have your own money. The values of relationships & marraige although still prevalent today, are not as serious as it was back in the day. Even if my man made mad loot and we were set for life, I personally (degree or no degree) couldn't just sit at home and just cook, clean & pamper him. I would have to have purpose beyond that, whether it was starting a non-profit, writing books, helping him with his business or volunteering. I'd have to contribute to other places to feel fulfilled. Even if he was ADAMANT that he didn't not want me working and that there was no need for it. You know some men seriously do not want their women to 'work' when they get married. I still would have to do something fulfilling. But I do agree with Mikki, defininng a person's contribution to a relationship is in the eyes & hearts of the beholders. For one man his woman catering to him, cooking, cleaning is her contribution and all that he needes. For another man he's turned off if a woman does't do more. Laziness doesn't have it's definite perameters but what's lazy for one person may not be lazy for someone else.

    As far as degrees. I think the education behind that piece of paper is more important and it does make for a well rounded individual but a person can make low (but paasing) grades and get a degree SO… it's really (to me) about the ambition, drive & passion in that person to strive to be a better person and partner.

  14. To be honest, I would be upset if I was married and my husband wanted to stay at home…unless he was seriously ill or had his own business that was thriving.

    A woman would like to feel secure financially to know that her husband would be able to foot the bills if for some reason she couldn’t work. Not saying I condone not working just because you’re married; but it would be nice to know that your husband, man, what have you, could take care of all of the bills plus you guys live comfortably on one salary—preferrably his.

  15. Thats my point Shelia, whatever it is you want to do write a book make kids, thats your business. I wouldn’t be cool with a man dictating what constitutes “doing something” cuz in his eyes id be molly maid, buffy the body, martha stewart, and that lady that does 30 minute meals lol. I’m just saying it goes both ways I would support my man if he wanted to stay home work on a hobby and take care of home not to say he cant work but if i can bring home the bacon and switch roles so he can do what he is passionate about for a while then go for it boo!!!

  16. Sheila:
    A sense of security is great, and I would show my wife my payment stub if it would make her feel comfortable in knowing that I could support the both of us if needed. My problem is with those who don’t just want it showed to them, but want to test the finacnially security of thier partner.

    My friend brought up the fact about her feeling she would have wasted all that time in school if she didn’t work. Yes, just because you went to school doesn’t mean you have to use your degree, but I honeslty have to question what you went to school for.
    Sure more money means your going to spend it on more dumb stuff, but damnit … I want to be able to take my wife to the beaches of Greece or chill in Paris. Thats like me not taking a better paying job because I’m afraid I’ll buy too many nice things …

  17. Honestly lack of ambition is unattractive to me. If you don't work and you sit at home spending your significant other's money, what exactly is your purpose in life? I could understand if one mate worked while the other went back to school or had some other pursuit that didn't pay up immediately, like writing or a business. But if I'm supporting you, then you HAVE to be doing something during the day and not when you feel like it either. I don't think anyone, man or woman, should rely solely on their mate to pay their way through life. If that mate decides one day that they like their secretary more than you, how will you support yourself if all you've been doing for the last couple years is chilling at home?

  18. I’ve only been able to depend on two men in my life and that’s my father and grandfather and now they both are gone to glory. For me, I’ll always have my own money because I don’t want to have to depend on a man for anything. This is a good topic because this is the kind of stuff couples should talk about long before they say I Do.

  19. Sheila:
    Yeah, after seeing the response I’m going to make sure this question is answered within the first month of the relationship. Don’t want to mess around and fall in love with someone just to find out we’re not “compatible” in this one key area.

    Also, the fact that we (people, not men) are not 100% dependable … might be good idea to keep that resume current and growing. Wasn’t in Waiting to Exhale where Angela Bassett gave up her career for that guy who left her for another woman.

  20. I’m all for Paris trips and nice things, but what I am saying is that if we can comfortably live on one income meaning the lights or gas not getting shut off and we got food to eat then what is the problem?? I for one don’t plan on finishing college for “more money” because now days its about how to manage what you got (for me at least) and most folk can’t even do that. I want to finish school to show my children that an education is in fact important for helping them become well rounded and not getting crushed by the “man” and that’s it. My education will not be a waste if I am taking care of my children or if I am staying at home (without kids) supporting my husband in what ever he is doing. My man might be happy with me cookin and cleaning. Your idea of “contribution” is a bit skewed I think. Just because your paycheck isn’t the end all be all doesn’t mean you can’t contribute to the house. Again I’m not saying be a fat lazy person. But for example if I went to work and my man decided he wanted to stay home and work out 6 days a week and have a 6 pack for me to look at then well shit it’s a win win situation lol.

  21. @Malayika –> "…how will you support yourself if all you’ve been doing for the last couple years is chilling at home?"


    It's called DIVORCE of the Paul McCartney variety. The lazy ex-spouse gets a divorce, takes half the shit, and gets a generous alimony – specifically because they had no income.

    Kanye West has a wise words for those dealing with goldiggers: "Brothas, if you ain't no chump – holla we want PRENUPT!"

  22. Mikki:
    I just want to double check … but you are completely comfortable with supporting working and supporting your man as long as he has a six pack, cooks, and cleans?

  23. @ kd I agree with you

    @ I would like to publicly apologize to SBM for getting overly defensive about having a college degree. He swore to me its not about that…..

  24. KD: I'm glad to see someone with the progressive thinking that I love. As I've mentioned a million and one times … Independence is just plain sexy.

    Malayika: Laziness is just anti-seductive. Who wants to support another adult in this day and age?

    Antidater: WE WANT PRENUPS!!! Every person, no matter their networth needs to get one! Its what HOT!

    Mikki: Aww … thanks

  25. SBM, this topic is near and dear to the antidater’s heart.

    Whereas, I do love a woman that treasures tradionational values.

    And, I do realize that a woman cooking and cleaning is great and all.

    I hereby declare that I will NOT be supporting a woman who wants to sit at the crib and do NOTHING. Its ok for a while. Maybe until maternity leave is over. Marriage is not graduation to idleness. Sitting on your ass and not contributing to the household is some skullduggerish tomfoolery (real words, they just sound funny).

    It is oh so convenient for women to talk about equality on one hand but defend outright laziness on the other.

  26. I completely agree with SBM. It really seems like the epitome of laziness to stay home, without child and "clean" all day long. And honestly, if you went to college, why spend a $120,000 plus on a degree to sit home? Economically, it's just not a wise decision.

    And Mikki: I hear your argument if you and your man are comfortable on his salary, extra money from the wife could produce unncessary spending. But, in this day and age, that extra salary could always go to RETIREMENT. We don't know what the outcome of the presidential election will be, but having money when you get old is a big issue. Thinking only about the luxury of the presence could really kill your future.

    Also, what if your spouse dies? In that scenario, there's no alimony for you to live off of and then you will have to re-enter the job market after X years of staying at home to "clean". How exactly would an employer view that? The stay-at-home mom may have a better chance of getting employed in that situation b/c she didn't stay home and do nothing.

    I understand women staying at home to raise kids. Raising kids is an important job and for some families the best way to do it is with one spouse at home. Staying home to write the book or get the master's is also cool. It's just the stay at home wife thing that I don't understand.

  27. I'm late to the conversation but I wanted to put a different perspective in here.

    I was a stay at home wife with out kids for a while. Not by choice, we moved to another part of the country and I really didn't do much research before moving about my field (my oversight). It took me a long, long time to find a job without a local network or an understanding of how to break into the field in this new area.

    I enjoyed the break for a little while, keeping the house clean, planting a garden, cooking great meals, reading books, learning some new hobbies. It's true, most people could find things to do if they didn't have to work.

    But it didn't take long for me to grow depressed, and it really took a toll on my self-esteem. I felt dependent and stifled and useless. Even though money was not an issue, I felt like I wasn't contributing, and that it changed the dynamics of the relationship. What was fun became a chore, and I began to resent that my husband expected me to take care of everything, because after all, I was home all day. I think that had I not eventually found a good job, we'd have ended up splitting up. And even though we’ve worked on it, the memories of the those negative feelings are still there.

    I'm not using my experience as a judgment of others. I think that people should do what is best for them and the rest of us need to butt out. Unless we're paying their bills, we have nothing to say about how they live their lives. We all have many talents to contribute to the world beyond a 9-to-5 gig making money for someone else.

    I do point this out because I fear that often women underestimate the impact financial status has on the marriage and on their own self-esteem. It’s easy to buy the romantic idea of happily ever after that will come when you quit your job to care for your home and family. But it often tips the power balance and that leads to so many other problems. My best advice for a woman who wants to stay home is to have several serious conversations with her husband before making the decision, and find out what the expectations really are on both sides. And of course make sure you’ve got at least 6 months pay saved up to deal with anything that might come up.

  28. Going to college is not just for getting a better job, some people simply enjoy learning and want to become more educated people. This is yet another example of the materialism that is polluting society. The fact that you only believe that a person is contributing to the relationship is by financial means is completely wrong. A person worth is not determined in any way by whether or not they work a traditional job. The idea that a woman should work and can replace house cleaning and cooking with maid service and microwavable frozen food is completely ridiculous. This is yet another example of america's laziness and that our solution to every problem is to simply throw money at it and hire someone else to fix it. By the way microwavable food is not real food, and a truly good meal can take hours to prepare, our reliance on convenience food is part of what is contributing to American obesity. Having both spouses working can mean more money and therefore more money to buy things but honestly being able to shop to your hearts content is not my idea of a happy existence, it is not always necessary to have the newest and nicest things. Obviously if your financial situation requires that both of you work or if you both like your jobs then by all means you should keep them. But don't judge the women who choose to stay home, that is also a full time job and many of the women who are staying home take on leadership positions in charitable organizations. The idea that people are wasting time unless they are working is also rather silly, life should not be focused on becoming the most efficient person or even contributing the most to society, instead they should think about what makes them happy and follow their passion and trust that everything will work out for the best. And finally the belief that everyone needs to earn money and that money leads to power and control in the relationship is an idea that only perpetuates men's perceived dominance over women considering that men will generally make more and this idea only contributes to the idea of women's inferiority because even when they are working they will most likely not make the same as men.

  29. I can totally under stand your opinion. However I think as a stay at home wife I can give some incite to "my side".

    I grew up in a very feminist based household where I was told to "suck it up" and "don't ever let a man run your life". But I went through university got my BA degree in Nursing, married the love of my life and am now a stay at home wife. What do I do? Just what you might think

    – Clean

    – Cook

    – Make


    I clean the house every day. I do different rooms on different days of the week. I do Laundry twice a week or three times the odd week (my husband is a steel grinder). I do the garbage and the recycling. By the time you sweep, mop, dust, clean car, make bed, wash kitchen surfaces, vacuum, pick up laundry/do laundry, pull weeds/water plants, feed pets, walk dog and organize; 8 hours can pass easily!


    I take my bike to the farmers market Saturday mornings during the summer for fresh vegetables or for herb seeds and supplies. And I walk to the grocery store on Wednesdays for the rest of the grouches. I get up early (6:40am) to make breakfast and pack him a good lunch. By 5:00pm I'm preparing dinner for when my husband gets home.


    All of the quilts, drapes, pillow cases, shower curtain and even some of our kitchen tee towels I made. I enjoy painting a lot and have created some of my favorite pieces for my husband while he's away at work.

    I love being a stay at home wife because it suits me. Don't get me wrong it is not for everyone. I'm not shy. I just enjoy the quite time and being able to read and do what I love 🙂 It has it's stresses but it is not stressful on my marriage like a lot of "cubicle jobs".

    My university education was not wasted in any sense. It gives me the option to work if I ever choose so (not likely) and I met a lot of good people and learned a lot about life, society, and also about the subjects that I took by attending university.

    Being a house wife is who I am and I wouldn't change that for the world!



  32. I stay at home because that's where God intended me to be.I too have a masters degree. But get way more satisfaction out of staying home being a home keeper.
    I do all the house work the shopping the cooking. All the duties inside and out of the house. So when my hubby comes home he can rest form the day at work. And I am not to tired to give him the attention he disserves. I AM blessed to stay at home and take care of my hubby. HE is worth it!

    I am not a homemaker because I had too little ambition or education to make anything else of myself. No—I am a homemaker because God has given me the infinite honour of being a wife, and I delight in employing every ability that He has equipped me with in this glad career. I love being home. I love being intimately familiar with each creaking floorboard and each pattern that the sun makes upon the walls as it travels across the backyard. I love making bread and tending to my cat and dog's who think they are human. But most of all, I love the happy look that I see on my husband's tired face when he comes in at the end of the day. And I cherish the fulfillment that the Lord gives me in all of these things.

    Indeed, "my borders enclose a pleasant land".
    (Psalm 16:6)

  33. wow, lazy…I had no idea I was so lazy. let's look at my day, granted….I have two children, one of whom I homeschool, nevertheless….I get up at 6 am. Get my kids breakfast (my hubby has already left for his job. I get em fed and dressed, take my oldest to high school, home, dishes, start homeschool with my seven year old. At eleven, I begin my housework in whatever zone I am in, this week kitchen and dining. I dust, sweep and mop and straighten cupoboards and school area, resume homeschool. Done by two. Vacuum and laundry time. Three o clock, pick up my oldest from charter school. Home, go over her schoolwork and Children do chores. I start dinner, Fold and put away laundry started earlier. Dinner at six, do dishes clean up kitchen. 7-8:30 is free time. Bath time for kids, 9 o clock lay out clothes for tommorrow, make hubby's lunch, make daughters lunch read youngest a story. My bath or shower and bible study and then bed, by eleven. wow, and I didn't even use my college degree. In contrast, my husband works from 6:30 to 2:30 daily. Now who's lazy?

    p.s. when my seven year old moves out, your damn skippy I am staying home and taking it a bit easy, you know why? Because, for 25 years I will have worked 18 hour days and I will have EARNED IT.

  34. After 20 years of a high powered career, childless marriage and recent divorce, I've made a lifestyle decision to (hopefully) become a stay at home wife and (hopefully) mother some day soon!


    Well, I think I woke up one day and just realized that all I really had was my "job". But more imortantly, that I was wasting all my life and talent and energy on a "job" … And my "job" wasn't sitting with me alone on Christmas morning, or on NYEve. My job gave me a paycheque. That's it. Nothing TRULY meaningful… Truly meaningfull is a husband, children, a family, a loving and warm home environment.

    I suppose it's where you decide is the most meaningful place to put your love and energy. For me – it's not about being "taken care of" …but rather "taking care" of my husband, children, home, friends and family and keeping everyone and everything running well and harmoniously. That's the stuff you can "take with you" – NOT your boss' annual report. I mean, what could be more important than that?

    Problem is, it's hard to find guys who value this idea.

    To the posters who think it's all about laying around and being taken care of, in MY vision of a stay-at-home-wife and mum – it's about taking care of everything that makes a home a "HOME"… what on earth could be wrong with that?

  35. I'm a stay at home wife, but my husband & I agreed on this lifestyle. We have the means for us to live this way & we are trying to have children. I think it's a very personal choice & it's not for everyone. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer — it's circumstantial & doesn't mean that every stay at home wife is a lazy good for nothing mooch off of her husband.

  36. My husband and I discuss this quite often. He is currently on Active Duty in the Navy. I am a Navy Veteran, we are both in our late 20's and to date, have no kids, but are hopeful some day.

    When we first got married, I had just gotten on my feet after having left the navy and had been hired by one of the top notch Cancer Research Clinics in the world in an entry-level position that could have led to so many possibilities. I was on cloud nine. He came back into my life (we had lost touch a very long time before), swooped me off my feet and we were soon married. I was working, had a very good position, and was pursuing my BS. I chose to relocate to his duty location, thus having to leave my awesome job.'

    After relocating many states away…I had a difficult time finding work, remained in school, and soon graduated. I did eventually get another very good position with the federal gov't, but soon enough, another transfer was pending. Since then, I've not had much luck in the job market, hate my current position, and we are moving again soon.

    What I and my husband will attest to is this…he claims that he was happier for the 1 year of our marriage that I did not work. His job at the time was very stressful and he was happy to come home to a clean house, home-cooked meals (it was then that I discovered my love of cooking 4 course meals, pampering, intimacy when he wanted, bills paid, according to him, I spent less money, and I wasn't complaining about work…like I am now.

    Mind you, my parents were high achievers as was my brother, especially my sister, and that need to do the same trickled down to me. I was and still am conflicted because as I am a candidate for my masters degree, I feel my marriage is not where it should be. I constantly am griping about work, the house is rarely the way I want it to be, cooking – I don't enjoy it anymore, laundry is his responsibility, and our intimacy is taking a toll. He says I spend more because we – together make more. Things are not getting done at home. We are pending another relocation and so much regarding taking care of our home to prepare it to sell has fallen by the wayside.

    I ask him and he says that he would love for me to stay home because he was much happier and I was the person that he fell in love with in the beginning. I was happy, carefree, pursued my art interests, was well-read, a pleasure to talk to, and he loved to be around me. I know he loves me now, but we are both stressed about work and now about home and our love life suffers. I'm resentful and because of it choose not to go the extra mile in making him and taking care of all of his needs and treating him the way I would like a priority. I'm tired and have "business" to think about.

    So what is stopping us from going back to this way of life. My feeling like I'm letting my family down and not living up to their standards. Me giving up my independence and having something for myself. He says he'd delight in having a wife at home who is extremely educating because I will be the educator of his children. Kids are a whole 'nother story because we do not want anyone else raising them. Especially since we are not around family. But, in the meantime, I feel less of a woman because I can't give him my full devotion, which I so enjoyed when I had the time (as a stay-at-home wife) to do it. He feels less of a man because right now, financially speaking, we need both incomes, but we are working on that. My theory is that if I can "take care of him" the way I'd like, he will take care of me. "Let me take care of you so that you can take care of me".

    My sister can't accept this idea and thinks it would be to my detriment and though she and her husband are outstanding parents, they are always on the road via their jobs to give their children the life that they want them to have …. while our mother cares for them.

    I was proud to take care of my man. I did things that were entertaining throughout the day, but I tell you what, he enjoyed me very much when he came home. Now when we get home at the same time, life is not so relaxing. Too much to do…I'd throw myself at his feet if we can make this work and go back to that lifestyle again. He deserves me.

    My husband had a prick for a supervisor at one point (when I was not working) who loved to gloat about his wife's 6 figure salary. My husband said that he saw the "hateration" written all over his face when he'd come in with specially prepared lunches that I took the time to make. That moment to him was priceless.

    I feel it's my job to take care of him and his home, his children, as much as it is his responsibility to take care of me and our well-being. I'm his equal, but we are not the same (in my opinion). This type of yin and yang works for some, but not all. It's old fashioned, yes, but if done the right way, can have so many advantages.

    It's not a waste, nor is it about lazy. I'm not your typical "military" wife – the stereo-typical one who sits at home, gains weight, and does nothing but has babies. I would offer my man so much more. It takes a commitment. And it is a risk…especially on behalf of the woman. This is why the continued education is important. One more – I desire to work out of the home – gotta keep that resume current.

  37. I really don't understand why women would allow men to do all of the work and just stay at home, perhaps that is the reason why men end up with affairs at work and divorce their wives. The majority of men don't have college degrees and I don't understand why women would rely on them for eveything. Come on women, we are no longer in the 1800's where women were not able to work. We are a new generation of women.

    1. Maybe just maybe the wives will mess around while the husband is at work and leave the husbands…who's to say…then again MAYbe that relationship is strong and will last longer the two income household that has nothing in common with each other and also find something else to do with their time so they won't have to speak to the spouse.

  38. <blockquote cite="comment-291">

    Malayika: Honestly lack of ambition is unattractive to me. If you don't work and you sit at home spending your significant other's money, what exactly is your purpose in life? I could understand if one mate worked while the other went back to school or had some other pursuit that didn't pay up immediately, like writing or a business. But if I'm supporting you, then you HAVE to be doing something during the day and not when you feel like it either. I don't think anyone, man or woman, should rely solely on their mate to pay their way through life. If that mate decides one day that they like their secretary more than you, how will you support yourself if all you've been doing for the last couple years is chilling at home?

    I just have to say…these comments are very modern day…but the funny thing is that everyone, man and woman wants one or more of the "homemaker" opportunies but want it THEIR way…"if you do this, I will do that" " IF you have sex when and where… I will give you…" same thing all around…I don't believe anyone knows what they want…just going by your feelings, not what is "real"…selfishness comes to mine…if you don't want to work, don't! If you do..do it but don't complain about what another does or doesn't do (there may be physical problems your nosy self may not be aware of) because no ones "perfect life" is the same as the next persons…sad to say…all these extra chnages over the years has affected the raising of our children (The important part of the subject) People with no children…keep doing what you do….everyone seems the need to complain about other peoples lives…*throwing stones* SMH

  39. What I find funny about the comments about all the women sitting on their asses is…since this IS the woman bashing section…but I wonder how much time besides the bull you throw at the various jobs you've had in the past 12 months…what are the wonderful things you do besides **ck women, both physically and mentally. That's why you need the woman out there increasing YOUR "Home portfolio" unknowingly to you, they are out there doing the same thing your doing…kind of funny and sad that you think you have it figured out. Then as soon as the man figures this out…the women are whores and home wreckers. Lol

  40. SBM, it sounds like you don’t want to take any B-S from anybody and that’s good; also that you want an equal partner (equally ambitious in life, for one thing), and that’s also really healthy.

    You asked for one valid reason for being a stay at home wife, and so I wanted to write in about my perspective as a mostly stay at home wife in 2011. I have a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and also completed my licensing to be an MFT. I work 1-2 days per week and sometimes less.
    For my husband and I, with no children and no plans to have children, this has been just about perfect. For one thing, I always dreamed about being a stay at home mom, and going back to therapy after my kids were grown (which is what my mom did with her career as a teacher and it worked out quite well). When we realized before we got married that he truly didn’t want children, a few years later it dawned on me that I could still be the typical housewife I’d dreamed about (yes, some occasional girls do dream about cooking and cleaning!), even without children, and gradually started cutting back my hours at work (I’m per diem). My husband and I have always lived pretty simply (no cable TV or e-mail on our phones) and his job pays well (he’s a police officer) so between those two things we could easily live on one income with no children. With his schedule it is so much better because before, there were so many times when days would go by without me seeing him. As far as running out of things to do like you mentioned, that never ever happens to me. My theory is that basically you have the same personality regardless. If you’re generally “lazy” as you put it, you’ll likely be lazy at work. I have always been much more on the over-achieving, fast-paced, over-analyzing end of the spectrum and one thing that I realized quite strongly when I stopped working (mostly) was that I put that pressure on myself more than any employer ever did. I can fill my days from start to finish and actually get stressed NOT working! Now that I have learned to calm down, my days are still full from start to finish. Whereas my husband says that if he were at home all day he would do nothing, and I’m sure that it’s true 🙂 You are right when you say that due to today’s modern inventions like the vacuum cleaner, no one needs to stay home all day to do the chores. On the other hand, due to today’s modern inventions no one needs to work so long either to meet our basic needs, yet we still do. We work (many times) way more than we need to in order to meet our basic needs, because we want the fancy cell phone, cars, clothes, entertainment, etc. This is not a criticism of that necessarily; different things make different people happy. Also this is an argument for the middle class and higher in income; there is no way that some families can support themselves on one income. To answer what I do all day, I take the bus/bike everywhere to help the environment, shop at local farmer’s markets to support real wages for people, cook what most people would call “gourmet” meals all the time, from breakfast to lunch to dinner, including breads and desserts from scratch. Instead of buying new clothes I take the time to mend ours. I deliver our recycling to the recycling company which doesn’t come to our apartment complex. I answer e-mails and have time to talk to friends if they really need to talk (I’m much more introverted on the spectrum though). I cuddle with my husband whenever he needs it which is at least daily. I clean up the apartment throughout the day; I actually love tidying things up (genetic personality, I guess) so I am one of those post-feminist wives who actually still likes putting her husband’s socks in the hamper and isn’t bothered by that at all – lol. I do all of the dishes (we don’t have a dishwasher), do the laundry weekly, enter our bills into Quicken, sort all the mail, babysit for my nephew and niece weekly for 4 hours, do all of the grocery shopping, plan all of the grocery lists. I guess everyone is different but since I love to cook that is how I choose to spend my time. My husband loves having a stay at home wife because we have so much more time together. Recently he had a really difficult incident at work and he commented on how he was so lucky because I was actually available to support him through it instead of being busy all day instead. I don’t think that this life choice is for everyone, nor do I think that everyone would stay busy as much as I do, and nor do I think that this would make every woman or man happy. However, I really truly believe that what you do with your life is your responsibility, and if you want to be doing something different with it, and your circumstances make that possible for you and your partner, then you should consider doing it! I’m not going to let what you or anyone else thinks about my decision affect what I decide to do, even though I respect your opinion. I only live once! Every couple and every individual is different, so this is not universally applicable, but I just wanted to answer your question. Also, I read that in the Netherlands most women there also work just a few days a week like me. I did want to keep working 2 days a week in case something happens to my husband and I need to support us or myself, and I didn’t want to have to go back to school at the same time as such trauma might happen; this way I am current in my field. Also, I do feel an obligation towards society and all of my teachers who took so much time to teach me, so I want to give back. It would be hard for me as a therapist to teach people to pursue their life to the fullest without doing so myself, though, so for me this is just a living out of what I believe.

    1. Why should it depend purely on gender? Women stayed home in the past because there were no or few jobs for women. The other problem is women wanting to be home with their kids. I don’t want kids but if I did, ya know what????? I’d only marry a guy who would do his share with all domestic work. If he refuses in any way, just because of laziness or any excuse — he’s OUT!

  41. Well good thing my boyfriend doesn’t think the same way you do. He sees how much I struggle to keep a job and how hard it is for me to support myself and he loves me so much that he wants to be there to help support me and get me on my feet and help me start my own business from home one day. He loves me enough that he’s willing to sacrifice.And he loves having a spotless house and someone to cook him breakfast every morning and an amazing home cooked meal every night …eating out can be expensive .Most of all he loves seeing me happy. Yes we know you can’t think of any reason why but not everyone thinks like you do.That’s your own personal choice and between you and your girl and other couples that don’t mind being or having a stay at home Girl friend wife is none of your business

  42. Lots of women have trust funds and don’t need to work I get 1,200$ a month from family and have 30,000$ in the bank from when my grandparents passed away in 2012 And we own are own home with a mother in law suit that we rent for 2,000$ a month and even more during the holidays Plus my boyfriend is a black hawk mechanic and makes more then enough to support the both of us

  43. “To find a woman who chooses to stay home so she can minister to the needs of others is a rare breed. It’s not a lazy choice, it’s a choice that brings many blessings to people around you. ”
    https://pintsizedtreasures.com/dear-stay-home-wife-mom-without-kids-house/ that is the link i took that info from. might give you some different point of views.

    but in all fairness my spouse needs help taking out the trash, team work he says as I do everything else with little help. and being away from the house 10 hours a day 1 hr drive each way. i’m sure to have dinner by 9 because we like to eat healthy and not eat processed foods. not to clue you in on the other struggles of caring that needs to be done in a household.

    Not everyone has the same background each person is different. The good thing is you know you want a working partner. shouldn’t be to hard to find. at least you know what you will not accept in your life. Just hope your dream partner isn’t as you typed.

  44. If you made better money … then you might want your wife at home. Of course you don’t want that if your only making 0-100,000. My husband wants me home to be available to him. It wouldn’t be enjoyable if he wasn’t capable of it. I resisted it for years !!

  45. It’s a reality that most men need a woman money to build up their lives. Unfortunately then they usually dump her and go after a helpless 20 something!! Woman need to make sure that the man they marry has enough already and isn’t looking for someone to split the bills. He will replace you. Men need to feel powerful. Women that pay half plus do everything else know they are powerful. So that’s what happens people. Woman please understand that you need to find a man that can and would like you to be taken care of. StY away from men who want you to work hard and contribute 1/2


Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get SBM Delivered

Get SBM Delivered

Single Black Male provides dating and relationship
advice for today's single looking for love

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This